Monday, July 6, 2020

Update-Thoughts

Wednesday, I texted Bunny to cancel getting together on Friday.  I didn't want to say I am not physically attracted to her.  I have been seeing Firefly and she takes care of my physical needs even though Firefly will be gone for 3 months I would rather wait or find someone else than to pay for Bunny's company.  I feel a bit guilty for canceling.  Bunny is a pretty 22 yr old girl.  Most guys would jump at the chance to be with her.

Bathwater: Hey, I am afraid I have to cancel Friday.  This is just not what I want right now.

Bunny: What's up are you okay?   I am curious if I did something wrong, please let me know.

Bathwater: I am fine.  I think you are great.  I hope we can remain friends, but I know you are looking for an arrangement and I am not sure I want that right now.

Bunny: I understand, I would love to be friends with you and still hangout and do things!  I want ot do yoga with you.  And that's perfectly okay!  I get it!

I find it funny that these girls half my age find me interesting.  You can argue that  I exchange money for sex with Firefly and the Gymnast, but Bunny wants to stick around even though we will not have such an arrangement.

I remember when I first started dating Billy there was a big debate about our relationship on one of my previous blogs.  One anonymous person wrote "... I think you can't attract quality women of your own age, so you go for the damaged, fragile young girls who will look up to you as a savior/sugar daddy and put up with your failings and lack which quality older women won't do."

I don't think that is true.  I do end up getting involved with damaged younger girls. Those are the types that tend to get involved with older men.   I relate to them.  I have been through a lot myself. 

For every Firefly, Gymnast or Bunny I have met this year, there have been two girls that never make the blog.  Either because they don't go past the first meeting, or the fizzle out quickly.  What have I gotten from regular dating sites?  One date, The Hippie and she came with baggage.  A 7 yr old son.  I am not looking to be dealing with kids again at my age. 

I think the anonymous person would be more correct if they said, I cannot find a attractive quality woman my own age.  The available ones are few and far between and have their pick of men.  You don't go fishing in a lake where they are not biting.  You fish where you catch something.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Summer Nights

Firefly strolls into the house from the garage.  She crouches down in front of the refrigerator to extract a diet Coke from the carton.  I am vacuuming the basement stairs when she enters.  As I am winding the cord back around the handle I see her orange hair poking up through the pass-through over the sink.

She strolls into the living room with a frown on her face.  "I ate Mexican for dinner and it gave me a stomach ache". She peels off her denim skirt and plops onto the couch in a black thong and a beige puffy-sleeved top.

I return her frown.  "Seriously?  I have a piece of Oreo ice cream cake in the freeze with your name on it."  I lift her legs, sit down next to her and place them back across my lap.  Idly I run my hands along her legs while she tells me about her dinner.

After awhile, she begins to perk up.  I tug at the band of her thong as we continue to talk.  She has no big plans before going back for her 90 day stay.  Holidays and weekends are just another day for her right now.  She asks if I will come see her while she is in rehab. I tell her of course, if she puts my name on the list.

We head up stairs.  I go to use the bathroom in the second bedroom. I return to find to find Firefly in the shower.  "The least you could do is invite me in with you,"  I tell her.

"I can't hear youuuu," she feigns.

"I am going to start charging you for the water." 

I am lying on the bed when she gets out.  She curls up next to me and wraps her naked thigh over my torso.  Her head is on my shoulder.  She looks up and gives me a kiss. "You are cute," she tells me. 

She begins to gently rub me trough my underwear. "Is that a pencil you have in your pants?"

"Well if you knew what you were doing maybe it would grow," I say jokingly.  The truth is, I am already hard.

"Oh, you are terrible," she scolds.  "Get you clothes off." We have sex, finishing with her riding me reverse cowgirl to climax.

We continue our conversation after.  Firefly knows about Bunny.  "You don't expect me to go 90 days without sex do you?"  I ask her.

"You better not replace me.  I can get very jealous."  I don't let her know, but I am actually thinking about cutting Bunny loose.  I am just not into her. I don't tell Firefly that.  I little jealous competition keeps her interested.

"I you want the part, you need to act the part when you get."  

She knows what I mean.  Currently Firefly is using a guy for his car.  He thinks he is her boyfriend. She plans on ditching him when she is in rehab. She doesn't have the balls to tell him in person. Don't feel sorry for him though, he would rather allow her to trick then actually work. Again, she is so much like Billie.


Tuesday, June 30, 2020

North Lake

I am on vacation this week.  Saturday Alexis, Sam and Sam's boyfriend went to Alexis' cottage in Lapeer, Michigan.   It is a little over an hour north of me.  The cottage is on a small lake.  I got to kayak a few times over the weekend.  The others mostly drank.  It was an okay weekend.  Perhaps I will fill in the details later.  I am having a hard time writing anything today.


The lake is beautiful in the morning.  The water is like glass and it is quiet.


Friday, June 26, 2020

A Firefly

There is a third girl I meet on Seeking Arrangement (SA).  I have not spoken about her up until now and when I tell you about her you will know why. Firefly, as I will call her, is a petite red head.  She has a cute little figure that girls only have when they are young.  Firefly has this childlike energy about her, that I feed upon.  She reminds me so much of Billy, I think the Psychic had them confused, when she said, "I don't see her ever going away (perhaps she meant it metaphorically).

Firefly has the same bad habit as Billy.  She is an addict.  I saw the signs right away.  "After you told me about your ex, I know I wasn't going to be able to hide it from you", she said to me early on.

I told here, "I've been down this road before.  I am not getting sucked down it again."

"I understand." She replies, sheepishly but a mischievous grin never leaves her face. Sex with Firefly is fun and exciting.  There is something about her I find very attractive.  It is more than her superficial similarities to Billy.

We spent a lot of time together last month, she was struggling to get by and waiting for an opening in rehab facility.  I don't understand my appeal to these young girls.  It goes beyond the financial. I see it in the way they hang out with me.  I see it in their reluctance to leave.  I see it in Firefly, and I see it in Bunny.  The mutually beneficial nature of the relationship keeps things easier to understand. I don't want to fall in love.  I just want someone to have fun with.

 "If you don't get in soon, I am cutting you off," I told Firefly.  She waited over a week for an opening.  Then on a Sunday, unexpectedly, she got the call from the rehab facility and she was gone.  I expected to get a text from Firefly telling me she bailed from the place a day or two later but it never came.  Quitting opiods is not easy.  You have to want it.

Yesterday she reappeared.  It has been ten days.  She looks healthier.  She is transferring from the short term facility and into a long term program. She will only be out for a week. The long term program will last anywhere from thirty days to a year.  It is something I wish Billy would have done.  Firefly is only twenty.  She does not have that hollow look to her face that comes from years of drug use.  That look was taking over Billy's pretty face..

 "Take your time.  There is nothing going on out here," I say, waving my hand about indicating this virus plagued world.  She gives me a hug before leaving through the garage.  "I am proud of you," I tell her as she retreats into the night.



Wednesday, June 24, 2020

A Call from Tinkerbell

Yesterday I spent my time between working and reading old posts.  There is a lot of reading involved in figuring out which to put into my memoir and crafting a cohesive story from them.  The past is hard to read sometimes but to put a positive perspective on it, I know I would not act the same way again.  Still, I would not have the memories I have today if I hadn't gone through those things.  I have no regrets.

Tinkerbell called me on my drive home.  She was driving home also.  It brightened my day just to hear her voice.

"Two of my four children wished me a happy father's day," I said to her jokingly.  Tinkerbell is not my forth child, but she is not far from being it either.

"Very funny. Sorry about that. It was a awkward father's day here," she says to me, then goes on to tell me her struggles with trying to get the T-Rex (her teenage son) to call his father and to get him to acknowledge Tinkerbell's current boyfriend who is taking on a parenting role.

As always, I understand both side of the situation.  I understand why Tinkerbell tries to instill these things in her son and I also get the T-Rex's reluctance.  The T-Rex has had several male figures in his life, myself included but I am sure his father's lack of interest in being a parent is hard for him.

We spoke for twenty minutes.  The time went by quickly.  Our conversations are always laced with humor.  In the last fifteen years, I have probably spent more time talking to Tinkerbell on the phone than anyone else, including Billy.

Tinkerbell asked if I had heard from Billy.  I told her I didn't see a reason to reach out to Billy.  Tink thought that was true.  I miss Billy.  Anyone who reads my blog already knows that, but I know right now there is nothing to gain from communicating with her.

Some may question why I am writing a memoir about the last fifteen years of my life if Billy plays such a significant part of that story.  My answer would be, because it is a good story.  It is the kind of tale I picture being made into a TV series on HBO.  It has all the necessary plot points: sex, drugs, a love triangle and an over all arch of redemption.

Hello. How are you?
Have you been alright through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights?
That's what I'd say.
I'd tell you everything, if you'd pick up that telephone. Telephone Line, ELO

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Best of: Saturday Night

My youngest son came over Sunday.  We ate pizza and watched episodes of Space Force on Netflix.  He is twenty-one and is planning on going away to college next year.  He wants to go to Northern Michigan University in Marquette seven hours away. 

I do not remember much from my childhood.  I wonder what he remember.  There are times I documented.  Once I get done working on my memoir I am going to put together a collection of the posts from the past for him.  This is one.

Originally Posted: Monday, December 19, 2005
Saturday

It is past midnight. I sit on the floor in my kid's room reading "The Historian" by the glow of the bathroom light. The novel is a Da Vinci Code like search for Dracula. My youngest is sick. His stomach hurts. He has already thrown-up once. My time is divided between comforting him and trying to allow him to sleep. There is nothing more I can do for him. I have already plied him with the proper medications.

"When will it stop hurting?" He moans.

"I don't know honey."

"I think I have to throw-up again." He scrambles out of bed and kneels before the toilet. He begins a series of retching that turns my stomach and squeezes my heart. When he finishes, I hand him a glass of water, so he can rinse his mouth. I regard him closely, his smooth face is pale, his lips bright red, like the vampires of my book I absently think.

"Does your stomach feel better?"

His blue eyes peer at me from beneath his long brown bangs, they are large eyes with thick lashes, they stand out against the whiteness of his skin. He swallows hard and shakes his head no. At six years old, he is straddling the gap between being the baby of the family and a young boy. He doesn't whine, instead he handles the stomach ache with a calm maturity beyond his age.

I call him to me and hold him in my lap. We wait out the pain together. After a while I lay him in his bed and retreat to my own room. I finish the last few pages of my book. The story is long, the authors prose moves along slowly with just enough intrigue to keep me reading. In the morning, I find my youngest next to me. His stomach ache is gone. I feel his forehead. He has a slight fever but he is in cheerful spirits. I get him some Moltrin, argue briefly with him to take it, then we sleep some more, me aware that these times will soon be gone.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far


I am not making progress.  I could blame it on what is going on in the world but I am not sure that is entirely the case.  I am banging my head against a wall.  I repeat bad habits expecting the outcome to be different and I get depressed when things turn out the same.

Billy is never far from my mind.  She is this construct that I gauge everyone I meet against.  I am not she would measure up to the person in my mind.  If I found this person, the one who soothed all my issues, this perfect match for the imperfection that is me, she would be exactly the wrong person for me.  I know this but I have a hard time accepting it.  

Billy used to say, when she wasn't using she didn't feel like herself.  I understand what she means.  When she is not using she IS herself and that person is a stranger to her.  I am a stranger to myself.  

We spend our lives constructing the world around us to make us comfortable instead of deconstructing what is that makes us need to protect ourselves.  I get the concept and yet I find it extremely hard to practice in this world.

So disappointed follows disappointed,  I keep looking for a quick fix instead of accepting the way things are, because I do not find joy in the way things are.   I would not find joy in the past but I cannot stop thinking about. 


I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway... Barely Breathing, Duncan Shiek

Sunday, June 14, 2020

Bunny

Friday the skies were clear but the temperatures remained cool.   I put the top and doors on the Jeep and headed over to a local outdoor mall to meet with a potential replacement for the Gymnast.  I have decide to call her Bunny.  The name has some significance to her.  She used the word as part of her user name and I noticed it was spelled out in the little plastic beads of a bracelet she wore.

Bunny: I don't know if I told you this already, but I will be in cozy clothes nothing fancy.

Bathwater:  Me too.  I am not a fancy guy.  I prefer jeans and tees.  I drive a Jeep not a Lexus.

Bunny:  Haha, nice.  Perfect, I love that.

I made it to the mall early.  She texted me while I was still sitting in my car. 

Bunny: Hello, are you here yet?

Bathwater: I am in the parking lot

Bunny:  Me too!  I just got here.

Bathwater: I am heading to the fireplace.

Bunny: What are you wearing?

Bathwater:  Jeans and a blue tee.

I sat down on the ledge of the outdoor fireplace and scanned the crowd.  Some wore masks, some did not.  I was not wearing a mask but I had one around my wrist  in case we decided to enter any of the stores.  Bunny waved to me as she walked up. 

Bunny says she is twenty-two.  She has naturally curly shoulder length brown hair.  She wore a red and white fisherman's bucket hat, a matching red and white long sleeve sweater and light blue mom jeans.  When she sat next to me I noticed rainbow colored socks with the words "Fuck off" printed on them sticking out of her high top white Chuck Taylors.

"I would not have pegged you for having a sleeve," she begins the conversation with.

"No?  It is in the pictures. I have a lot of tattoos.  My back is covered in a similar angels and demons theme," I tell her lifting up my shirt a bit so she can see.  She approves, and that starts us on a discussion about tattoos.  She does not have any but wants one.  She feels society is still not accepting enough of them.

Later I would describe her to Tinkerbell and her boyfriend as coming across as a bit intense.  She has serious nature about her, but she also has an infectious smile.  Bunny is not afraid to discuss the topics most people say away from, religion, politics, and the protests. 

She lives close to me.  I'd say very close.  We shop at the same local grocery store and she works a mile from the condo.  That is a plus.  She is tall, 5' 8", I told her she would be taller than me if she wore heels. she assures me she does not.  I find her typical of the girls her age I meet.  She is sensible and not caught up in the fast fashion we see all around us.

It was early evening but it was chilly beneath the shade of the fireplace.  I suggested we walk a bit in the sun while we continued our conversation.  In total we were together for two hours.  "You are refreshing," I tell her.  "To be honest I came here reluctantly.  I have meet a few disappointments." She understands and tells me about a few of her bizarre encounters. 

We get along mentally.  I hope there is a sexual connection.  I was with her for two hours and I cannot describe her figure to you.  She hides it. None of her pictures are revealing. I think that is on purpose, though I am not sure of the reason.  On the site she called herself curvy.  In my experience that means a few extra pounds but Bunny does not seem fit that description.

We are meeting again this Wednesday.  I am intrigued and a little hopeful that I have found someone to spend a few of these summer days with.

Thursday, June 11, 2020

1984 to Taoism in One Post

Jules asked my why I try to remain pseudo anonymous on my blogs and in my memoir.  For the record, when and if I publish my memoir it will not be anonymous, but I have been thinking about this a lot during these protests and rallies going on.

My stories are full what some people might find questionable moral activity.  In fact in the next chapter of my book the question of whether I was helping or harming Billy is raised and hotly debated.  My reading audience was torn on the answer.  I think only Billy and I can answer that question.  Was I good for Billy?  I know she would say, I saved her life and got her where she is today.

Was being with Billy good for me?  I feel that Billy will always be both the worst and the best person I will ever be in a relationship with and I came away a stronger person.

Which brings me back to Jule's question, why the anonymity.  I read articles about people being recently fired from their job because they are on the wrong side of the Black Lives Matter protest.  They are caught on video or called out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.  In some instances I totally agree with the practice, in others I feel the situation is a bit more of a grey area.  I feel most of life is a grey area though.  I ask myself, is it right to punish ignorance?  One of the founding principals of this country is free speech and I believe through conversation people can learn.

My concern this, all this technology makes it too easy to be video taped or singled out without our consent. Could I be singled out and fired one day for one of my beliefs?  Could one of my socially acceptable opinions today become villainized in the future?  I know a lot of my readers currently live with these fears because of their lifestyle.

The path of life is in the middle where the extremes overlap.  It is not a solid line.  It is a grey area, where to little and to much come together.  That is where you will find me.

Monday, June 8, 2020

Chapter 6- I Called Her Billie

Day is a beautiful day.  It is sunny, with only a mild breeze.  Outside is quiet except for the chatter of birds.  I have been at piece lately and accomplishing what I want to accomplish.  I finished chapter six of my memoir and posted it over at Wattpad--for now.  When it is complete I will be taking it down, looking for some proof readers and editors, then publishing it somewhere somehow.

Here is the link for anyone who is interested.  If you like my writing here, you will probably like the story.  It is a story that tells itself through selected old blog posts.

https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/213417032-lost-and-found-in-glitter

Tomorrow I start going back to the office two days a week.  I choose Tuesday and Thursday.  I am okay with it.  After all, I have  been going to work everyday for 35 years except for a brief few years when I actually worked from home.

The number of new cases in our state is very low.  I think they will remain that way for the next two months before rising again.  We should all enjoy the reprieve.


Sunday, June 7, 2020

Getting Out


Saturday I picked up my older brother and we want to see his accountant.  It was finally time to do my dad's taxes for 2019.  The tax office had Plexiglas shields up around the reception desk.  Everyone was required to wear a mask.  It is the requirement in most places here.


 My older brother is two years older.  I regarded him as he signed us in at the desk.  He is 3 inches taller than me and about 60 pounds heavier.  He was dress in a shiny black synthetic polo shirt and matching black synthetic pants.  He wore worn brown shoes that didn't match the rest of his outfit.  I am not sure if he noticed.  In my eyes we make an odd pair.  I am dressed in a blue graphic tee, plead cargo shorts and black slip-on shoes. 

The accountant kept us waiting an extra thirty minutes.   He looked to be about our age. I found him an odd man.  My brother used the term, "he looks like he is on cocaine".  That is how I would describe him also.  He had a fast and animated way of talking.  He would talk to himself as he entered numbers into his computer and standing up behind his desk for what appeared to be no reason expect nervous energy.  My brother said he has something wrong with him but it has never come up.  Regardless he seemed competent.

Picture 1 of 8
After I met up with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We took a ride down to Ferndale.  Tink wanted to by a bike and there was a man there who refurbished them and sold them from his lawn. She ended up buying a powder blue Rollfast bike similar to this one but in better shape.

Bathwater: You realize that bike is 50 years old.  It is probably now the oldest thing you own.

Tinkerbell:  Well it is definitely not the oldest thing I know because you hold that spot.  Now, leave my bike alone.  She is perfect.  I named her Sue after run around Sue.

Thursday, June 4, 2020

Going Back

I texted with The Gypsy yesterday.  She confirmed that the Gymnast is still in Arizona.  Apparently she never made it past the state.  The Gypsy said she the Gymnast ditched her for some sugar daddy out there.  From what I have seen on Instagram, he seems like a tool.

My company wants us to start returning to the office two days a week, starting next week.  It is ridiculous request.  There is no reason for us to be in the office and it is against the governor's suggested protocol.  We can do 95% of our work from home.  Going to the office should be on an as needed basis.  Of course the owner is a miniature carbon copy of the President so what do you expect.  Several people are upset about it.  There is little being put into affect to ensure people are protected.  The owner's response to the complaints, "if they don't like it, they can tender there resignation".  I will be updating my resume.

I have an on going office joke.  I have been telling people, much like the computer virus that the owner let into our system by opening an attachment from his email, he will be the one that let's the Covid-19 virus into the office.

I do not particularly like working for this company, or the Chinese automotive supplier we represent. The pay is good, but the work doesn't fill the soul.  I am not afraid of catching the virus.  I just don't want to be responsible for spreading it to friends or family.  I would like things to go back to normal.  I will be selectively returning to some of my old routines.  Some, I will have to do, others I will do because the bring me happiness.

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Chapter Six, Is a Struggle

I am working on chapter six of my memoir.  It is painful going back and reading about the early days of my relationship with Billy.  Sometimes I wonder if I am writing the right book.  They say everyone has at least one story in them.  I feel like this is mine and yet I am not sure why I am writing it. Who am I doing it for?  When I expressed my concerns to Tinkerbell yesterday she texted back:

Tinkerbell: People say if your writing your memoir and you don't learn something from it you shouldn't be writing it. Sounds like you are on track to have a very good memoir.

I keep asking myself, "Is it good enough?  Will people want to read it?"  I suppose it is those fears which can stifle anyone if you let them.

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Lost

I am lost.  Summer is here but I do not feel like going outside.  The world outside is as depressing as the one within my walls.  I used to dream of one day just getting in the car and driving away but that doesn't look so inviting anymore.  Riots, masks and social distancing.  I want to say, "Wake me up in 2021", but the future is much like the past and no longer sustains me.  This is all there is.


You tried to lie and say
I was everything

I remember when I said
I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you
Let me inside
Let me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost
If you want me to
Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you... Lost In You, Three Days Grace

Sunday, May 31, 2020

What a Difference an Afternoon Makes

Said to me this week.

Tiny:  After meeting you I cannot see you being with someone your own age.  You are young at heart. Most people your age are boring.  They have given up.


Saturday I went over to Tinkerbell's condo and helped her and her boyfriend paint the deck.  We all share a similar sense of humor and for a few hours, the pressures of living with the threat of a virus were forgotten.  It was a beautiful day and the work went well. 

My air conditioner was not working last week.  Before calling in a repairmen I went on line to make sure it was nothing easy.  I could not find anything I had done wrong.  It turned out to be a bad relay switch in the unit.  I recommended the repairmen to Tinkerbell.  Her air conditioner never worked.  She never bothered getting it repaired.

"Before you call him let me take a look at it.  I have learned a few things,"  I told her.  I took the thermostat off and discovered it was wired wrong.  I switched one wire and replaced the thermostat and the unit clicked on.

"You telling me all those nights I sweltered upstairs and all that was wrong was a wire?"  Tinkerbell's boyfriend asked.  He took it with a good sense of humor but Tink assured me he would never let that go.


"If you are depressed you are living in the past.  If you are anxious you are living in the future.  If you are at peace you are living in the present."

Friday, May 29, 2020

And Then Summer Began

Things are starting to open up here in Michigan.  Friends are starting to talk about going on vacation to northern towns in the coming months.  I do not have any such plans.  My close friends are couples.  That worked out fine when I was with Billy but now I am alone.  I feel like what the Psychic said is not true.  It is more like a metaphor what my life is become.

My conversation with the girl faded out.  No truths were reviled.  No reasons were given.  I think the Gymnast is back in town but she is being strangely silent.  The government is giving the poorest $900 a week.  Few girls are looking to make extra money.  If they are it is because they are in dire need like an addiction problem. 

I am not looking forward to things going back to this semi open state.  I went to the office yesterday for a few hours.  I wore a mask and carried sanitary wipes the entire time. I avoided touching communal areas. I met with customers at a distance.  They all wore masks.  The entire experience gives me a false anxiety.  I stopped caring about the virus weeks ago.  I have stopped caring about a lot of things.

I just wanna stay in the sun where I find
I know it's hard sometimes
Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind
I know it's hard sometimes
Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it's fun to fantasize
All my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was
But it's fun to fantasize
Oh, ohI'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride...Ride, 21 Pilots

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

I BeenThinking to Much

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)...I  Miss You, Blink 182

It is songs like this that still bring a lump in my throat.  This weekend I hung out with a few friends.  I rode my bike a few times and took the top and doors off the Jeep.  I am being socially selective of who I am hanging around.  I would say I was around 8 to 10 people this weekend.  That isn't really a lot over the course of three days but when you figure each of them has been near 8 to 10 people the contact tracing can become impossibly complicated very quickly.


Jules asked, what is my version of happiness. I think happiness is found in moments.  A bike ride with a friend.  An intimate hug.  A shared glance.  The more of these positive moments we string  together, the happier we feel.  When we are devoid of these moments.  We relive them from our past or we fantasize about future moments in an attempt to make us feel better.

I am here in the loft, in this climate controlled condo connected to 12 other units, in this neighborhood of 10 similar buildings.  As the circle expands to the adjacent subdivision it includes hundreds of people but like the particles of an atom there is an expanse between us.


Friday, May 22, 2020

Nine Years Ago

Today I am stuck in the past.  It was nine years ago today that Billy and I first met.  An unplanned coincidence brought me into the Penthouse Club in the afternoon.  She was a dancer that only worked day shift. It was the Friday before Memorial weekend.  She was so young and pretty.   In a perfect world we would never of met, never loved each other and never left permanent traces of ourselves on each other.  I am at a loss of words to describe those nine years, but they changed me.

I found this in my achieves.  I wrote it just before I ended my last blog.  It was about the time Billy and I started living together.

Don't Look for Normal (Partial)
Originally Posted- Thursday, January 30, 2014

Shit I don't know anymore.  What is normal? 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
I was thrown down the one less traveled,
Like an infant down a well
Frightened, and lost I struggled to find my return
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
The years pass, the leaves grow well trodden by my passing
I was thrown down the road less traveled, by
And that has made all the difference.

Inspired by Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken

I was a married father with three children, big house, three cars and a six figure job.  I wasn't happy and I didn't really know what people were all about.  Ten years have passed since my divorce,I make less money, both my best friend and my girlfriend are strippers... still think I am better off.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

21 Days to Work With

I went into the office today.  I turned in an expense report right before we started sheltering in place and it got lost.  The company owes me $405.00.  I had to go in and find my receipts so I could recreate the report.

There are a lot of cars on the road.  Makes me wonder where all these people are going if we are still under the shelter in place order.  The thirty minute drive was the longest I've taken in weeks.  Hard to believe I used to drive it everyday.  Already the memories fade.  What do the say, it takes a minimum of 21 days to start a new behavior.  Well we certainly surpassed that minimum.

I saw a few people in the office. No one was actually wearing a mask except me but no one was actually close to anyone else.  There are going to be different levels of adherence to the guidelines do pending on peoples opinions.

In the center of Michigan, damns are failing and there is wide spread flooding.  I am not a religious man, but isn't this how they describe the end of times?  Plague, famine, and floods?

In case you haven't noticed, I have not been very cheerful lately. No it is not because I haven't gotten laid lately.  The last 12 months have just been one thing after another.  Billy left in August, I had those pains throughout December, dad died at the end of January and now I have be sheltering since March.  Honestly, the next 12 months don't look much better.

A Day in April

Tink and her son are living with her boyfriend on the other side of town but she still comes back to her condo to do work on it several times a week.  She is not working and she gets bored easily.

Tinkerbell:  Hey I am heading to the condo in few.

Bathwater:  Today is not Wednesday.  (The day she said she would be back.)

Tinkerbell:  No but today is a shitty day outside so I am going to try hanging those shelves.

Bathwater:  You are so bored!  Let me know when you get there.

Tinkerbell: Okay, I will pick you up.  You can come to Lowes with me. (which I am sure was her intention all along.)

I packed my drill and tool belt and waited for Tink to arrive.  She pulled up in her black Kia Rio and I place my tools on the passenger floor and slid into the passenger seat.

Tink wore paint stained black sweats, the only out fit I have seen her in lately, with knee high rubber boots and her full length puffy winter coat.  Her wavy hair was held in a loose bun on the top of her head.  She was the personification of not caring about her appearance.

"Its a little warm for that jacket isn't? "  I remarked as we got out of the car. 

"It was cold this morning!" The overcast morning was muggy and cool but not winter jacket cold.

Lowes had a regular amount of foot traffic.  I noticed mask wearing is not taken seriously by everyone.  We picked up what we needed and head for her condo.  I installed a light fixture and several shelves. 

It was nice to be around someone and talking for a while.  Much like the blog, I don't have to sensor my life around Tink.  Her condo is looking good.  Once the restrictions are lifted she will be able to rent it.




Monday, May 18, 2020

Quandary

I continued lock down this weekend.  Rainy weather made it easy to stay inside.  The Gymnast made it to Arizona.  So far it looks like them just doing a bunch of driving.  Saturday I had another dream about Billy.  I wish they would stop.

So I find myself in a bit of a quandary.  I have been chatting with a few girls on line on Seek Arrangements.  It is a dating site where you can find anything from woman who want to date older men to prostitutes and girls that want to be keep.  It is where I found the Gymnast.  I started a new account and I said my age was 50 not 55 because none of those girls I have met on their think I am 55 and the lower number gets you better results.  That isn't my quandary.

The problem is I starting texting with a girl on there who wants to date an older guy but isn't looking to be kept.  She actually seems pretty cool.  We have a lot of common interests. She is 29 and the age difference would be steep if I was 50.  I am afraid 55 would be a deal breaker.  She will find out eventually should I let it ride or tell her now?  It would be too bad.  She is most interesting person I have spoken too on a dating site.  We haven't met yet though, perhaps there is no physical chemistry.

What do you think?  Let it ride a bit longer or reveal it now?

Friday, May 15, 2020

Another Dream

Last night I dreamed I was trying to convince Billy to stay with me.  It was a reply of our final days in the real world in a stretched out switched location way that happens in dreams.  In the dream as in real life she declined.  I woke with a tightness in my chest and feeling stress.  If I am dreaming about it, what is the chances I will be able to resist letting her back into my life if the opportunity presents itself?

I don't want that.  She had everything I could offer her and she throw it away.  If she didn't realize that then, she will not realize it in the future.  I don't forgive her.  I never will. 

Yesterday I went over Alexis' house and she cut my hair.  My desire to quarantine is waning.  Things will not be going back to normal anytime soon and I am not very happy about it.  I have been trying to be more charming on the dating site Bumble.  I have been talking to a few women but it is not going anywhere.  I think a big part of it is because I don't give a fuck.  I am really interested in either of the women I am talking with.  Just another week inside my capsule.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Updates

The Gymnast and the Gypsy have decide to go on a road trip to Arizona.  A rather foolish 29 hour drive to be taking right now if you ask me.  No one did.  So I didn't offer an opinion.  They have to be back by the end of the month for the Gypsy's court date.

Tinkerbell called and asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's with her. I jumped at the chance to get out of the house. I earlier I could not remember the last time I went anywhere.  Looking back it would be the day I looked at the truck. That would be a week ago!  No wonder I am getting a bit depressed.

I like hanging out with Tink.  It reminds me of the days we used to hang out all the time.  These trips are shorter, but she is still one of the few people I can talk to for hours and not get bored.  Lowe's was not crowded.  There were no lines at the door waiting to get inside.  Everyone wore a mask.  It is a strange new world we will be opening up too come June. 

The Weather here is starting to get warmer...again.  I hope we get some 70 degree days soon. I would like to go ride some trails on my bike.

I took my friend Sam's bike to the shop today also.  She has not ridden in three years.  It needed a tun-up.  I did a curbside drop off.  The owner of the small bike shop said he could not get his employees to come back.  They were making too much on unemployment.  I think this is true for a lot of people out there.  There should be a better way to get the economy rolling than paying people more money to sit home than to work.  If I made more staying at home than working you can be damn sure I wouldn't be in a hurry to go back.  Of course this also says something about the state of wages in this country but now I am digressing.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

Aquamarine

I am sitting in the spare bedroom at the Lego table building what, I am told, looks like an abandon factory.  The table is 4 ft by 7 ft.  I made it myself, from laminated white press board and an old bed frame.  Several models are scattered over it and plastic bins filled with Lego parts are tucked beneath. About 10:30 p.m. Sienna, my cat quickly moves from siting next to me to hiding in the corner under the table. Her sudden change is a clear indication that someone is here.

The Gymnast walk through the door quietly a few moments later.  "I stopped to use your hand sanitizer," she tells me.  She takes off her jacket, places her bright blue back pack on the floor and sits on the bed.  She is wearing light grey camo patterned sweat pants and a grey polo shirt that has been converted into a crop top.  The bottom third of her blond hair is dyed an aquamarine.

"It has been a weird few days she," she says.  "First Gypsy gets arrested and then my ex boyfriend's cousin OD's on heroin."  She tells me about Gypsy's arrest.  Typical young people foolishness involving sex and drugs.  Parked in a car when they should be quarantined at home. Gypsy and her are close but they are not lovers.  Looking back I can remember having friendships like that when I was her age.

I get up to get her a water.  When I return she is in my chair intently adding pieces to my creation.  "Your factory is growing carrots.  Do you have any more of these?"  She asks holding up a green plastic vine piece. 

"If you find one of anything, you can usually be assured you'll find at least three more."  I dig several more out of a container on the table.

"Here I made you a little tower to guard the place from beasts."  She places her creation on the plate along side my own.

"I'll get you a beast," I reply and enthusiastically race to the hall to grab the dragon I made a few weeks ago and placing it into the display. 

"Okay don't start showing off!"

We head downstairs to play video games for a while.  We play a few games of Call of Duty Zombies and Borderland before heading upstairs.  "You have a towel we can put down?"  she asks me. "I am still bleeding."  

"Just grab a red one from the cabinet," I say to her while she is in the bathroom.  For me the night is not about the sex, it is about being close to someone. I spend as much time resting my chin on her belly and talking, as I do going down or her.  After we have sex, we watch about half of the movie "Super 8" before she rolls onto her side and begins to snore.

In the morning, after a few sips of coffee in bed she says, "For as cuddly as you profess to be you are really not so much at night."

"I try to give you your space.  I don't want you elbowing me in the middle of the night. If it was up to me, I would be like this." I spoon up behind her, wrap my arm around her and gentle cup her right breast. 

We are both naked from the waist up.  She rolls over, wraps her thigh over my torso and rests her head on my bare chest.  We linger this way and continue taking.  No topic is off limits.  She tells me about Europe and about the career she wants to pursue.  She is going away again for a few weeks.  The virus is not stopping her from enjoying life.  "I pay you too good,"  I chide her, but really I envy her.  I feel trapped in my own malaise. I would love to get away with her somewhere.  Just not now.  Not with the world the way it is, I am afraid to venture outside.

The Gymnast knows I am still hung up on Billy.  I don't try to hide it from her.  There is no reason, we are not lovers we are friends with benefits.  She understands the relationship I had with Billy, her own was like that. "Everyday there is the adrenaline of some new drama going on," she states, describing both relationships perfectly.  "Maybe you just need someone new to forget about the old one."

"I have someone," I say, tapping my index finger against her forehead.

She stays till noon.  Sliding between my legs and going down on me before we clean up and dress.  It is a safe arrangement.  She checks her drama at the door.  I am fond of her but I am not in love.  I don't want to be in love with anyone.  I don't think she does either.  I remember what being in love is like, the irrational behavior and emotional turmoil it brings. It is not safe to fall in love with a beautiful woman. Love comes with a price. A lesson I have failed to heed in the past.

Is the Gymnast good for me?  I do not know.  Probably not.  Girls never are but being alone can be just as bad.

Saturday, May 9, 2020

A Call

Billy started back to work on Thursday.  Back to work and away from the new boyfriend's jealous eyes, she called me Friday.  She is sure she had the virus back in late March/early April when she was sick although she was never tested.  She is lives close to the city of Detroit and travels into the city to buy her drugs. I think she is probably right.  She is not clean but she says she is only using about six packs a day.  That is over a $400 a week habit, but half of what she was using before.  I suggested maybe it was time for her to take that final step and get on Suboxone and to get of the illegal stuff.  She said she wanted to wait until the issues with the virus have died down.  I think she is afraid of letting it go.

She said it is worse for her when she doesn't hear from me.  She is always wonders how I am. "Figured you would appear eventually," I told her.

She sounds happy. I have mixed feelings about that.  I know we can never be a couple again.  I would never trust her. She would end up leaving again and I am tired of watching her killing herself.  It was time for us to part.  I should want her to be happy.  Maybe if I was happy I would want that for her. 

I just don't know what would make me happy.  I do know I am lonely.  It isn't a new truck or an acrobatic fuck buddy that only shows when she wants.


Friday, May 8, 2020

The Gymnast and the Gypsy

I decided against getting the truck at this time.  I will wait until things are safer economically.  I do not think the deals will be going away any time soon with so many people unemployed. 

The Gymnast was supposed to come over yesterday afternoon.  I received this text around 1:30 p.m.

Gymnast: Okay so I've been up all night.  I'll still come see you but not till later.  I have to bail Gypsy out of jail.  (Gypsy is the female friend she went to Europe with).

Bathwater:  I am sure there is a good story there.

Gymnast:  I wasn't even with her.  I was home in bed and got a call at like 1:00 a.m..

Bathwater: Well good you don't need to be going back to jail.  Of course neither does she.  What was she doing?

Gymnast:  She was parked smoking and someone called the cops on her.  They found one pill in her car.

Later did not materialize.  I am sure she is still dealing with the getting Gypsy free.  I have this theory.  I am just speculating, but I get the feeling that the Gymnast and Gypsy are more than just friends.  The Gymnast had a boyfriend before, a want-to-be rapper that overdoses back in November but she has told me she is not looking for one now.  Gypsy does not have a boyfriend either.  I am going to ask the Gymnast next time she comes over.

I am glad it is Friday.  Work has been slow.  My customers are on furlough or working from home.  Even the latter seem absent.  I am trying to trade the cost of getting my friend Sam's bike tuned up and a beer for a hair cut.  I think that will make me feel more human than than a new truck.


Thursday, May 7, 2020

Disinfecting Lego Style

I have the disinfecting team out in the tunnels removing any traces of the virus.  This is an original design where I am playing with different wall and pipes.  Believe it or not there are several hours in creating this.  I think you can click on an image to see a larger version.





Tuesday, May 5, 2020

New Truck?

I am thinking about buying a new truck and taking advantage of the 0% financing.  I can afford the truck.  I would be keeping my Jeep and eventually giving it to my son when he goes to study in the upper peninsula where they tend to get a lot of snow.  Max is not going to go up north until next fall so I do not need to buy the truck right away. Does anyone have an opinion on whether I should wait or if I should get it now?  Do you think the situation will get worse and the prices will be better if I wait?

Monday, May 4, 2020

A Question

This weekend I found myself fighting the malaise.  The sun can out and we crested seventy degrees again.  I cleaned the Jeep.  Went on walks with one of my twins.  I even rode my bike outside for a few miles.  It is all just killing time and I am losing my motivation for it.

In the comments of my last post Lucy asked, "Do you know what it will take for you to get over Billy?"

The best answer I can give is-- time.  It has been hard lately, Billy is never far from my thoughts.  She gone and has taken away the pleasure of certain activities with her.  I don't feel like bike riding anymore, it brings back memories of when we were together.  So I walk instead.

The physic said, "I never see her (Billy) totally going away."  That may be true, but what we had is gone. I am no longer willing to pay the cost of loving her. Letting go is all about releasing control.  I have to remind myself that.

I cannot control my future, I cannot change the past.  I can only live in the moment. 


Thursday, April 30, 2020

The Gymnast Returns

Lying on her back, she sleeps peacefully next to me,  Her face is tucked partially into the covers. By the dim morning light I regard her.  She has a new piercing, a small barbell at the bridge of her nose.  Lying in bed we are worlds apart.

The Gymnast is back. A lack of money has brought her out of quarantine. Outside the birds have started their morning ritual of chirping.  She doesn't seem to notice.  I get up, make coffee and start my day.  I am letting her sleep while I write this. The alternative would be for me to be pawing at her soft firm ass, which I do occasionally during the night, but she likes her sleep as much as she likes to have sex.

The cat peeks in on our guest but doesn't venture passed the doorway into the bedroom.  I wonder if she will ever be comfortable with someone new joining our family.  The Gymnast will not be that person.

Last night, the Gymnast is quieter than usual.  "I have a lot on my mind," she tells me, but doesn't give any details when I press for more.  The virus has given us all more to think about.  "This was supposed to be my year to travel,"  she continues,  "Now I have got to go back to school."

"You are young.  You will still have time to travel.  For me every years seems precious."

I press my face against the warm soft skin of her chest.  "It feels so good to be next to someone," I tell her as I look up into her eyes.  Her lips curl into a smile. "Don't laugh," I scold before placing my face down onto her again.

"I get it," she replies, as we both slide out of our underwear.  "I am with my sister and grandfather all the time."

The Gymnast is a comfortable distraction   When she is here, she fills a part of that hole Billy left behind but she also reminds me how large that hole can be.  The last few days I have been thinking about Billy.  Trying to make sense of it all.  I keep thinking back to that saying,  All life is suffering.  We cannot change the past or trying to control the future.

The Gymnast rolls out of bed around 10:30.  I sit on the side of the bed and watch as she slides takes off the tee shirt she is wearing exposing her firm bare breasts.  She puts on a thin long sleeve grey shirt from the floor and replaces the tee shirt.  "So am I going to see you again, or do I need to wait till you are financially strapped?"

"I will be back.  I always come back,"  she assures me.

We head downstairs.  She takes a few sips of coffee before putting on her shoes by the door.  "Come here I tell," pulling her toward me.   "Give me a hug before you go."  I hold her close resting my chin on her shoulder and weaving my fingers into her soft blond hair.  Reluctantly, I let her go when she pulls away.

You've find yourself a friend that knows you well.
But no matter what you do 
You always you tripped and fell
So steady as she goes..  Steady, as She Goes, The Reconteurs


Tuesday, April 28, 2020

The Past Intrudes On Trust

I am working on chapter six of my novel this morning.  I have been thinking about this post lately.  I know I dwell too much on the past.  I blame it on the quarantining. This is a pivotal moment in our early relationship.  This is three months after we first met and a month after Billy's first failed attempt at rehab.  These blog posts are ingrained in my memories.  Unlike events I did not record they remain vividly remembered.  The lesson I have learned is never stop recording my days.  I regret the not recording more.

Originally Post Saturday, August 27 2011
The Past Intrudes on Trust

Billy and I are sitting diagonally next to each other at a high-top table in her hometown, eating desserts. The people around us all sit across from each other. The restaurant is crowded and a din of cacophony fills the air but we are focused on each other.

I take a break from my ice cream cookie to look at her. Her chin is resting in her palm and she is staring back at me, our postures are symmetrical. "Sometimes if you knew what I was thinking when you weren't around, the thoughts that go 'round inside my head, I'd have to apologize before even speaking them. I have seen to much. I have been hurt to often, " I say.

"What about me? I'm might be young but I am not used to a guy treating me good."

* * *
The past leaves it's scares. The worms of paranoia still slither in my head during the lonely hours of the night, questioning. Shadows linger...

Memories.

Tinkerbell and I lay close to each other in bed. It has been two months since she has moved in with me. I am reading a book by the light on the night stand. Tink was furiously texting a boy from her phone. She has caught him in a lie. It doesn't matter that everything she has been telling him was a lie. He thinks she is a dancer, living with the T-Rex at a sister's house.

I put down my book and suggest she ditch the liar. Boyfriends and girlfriends were against the rules of the house. Monogamy was out of the question, Tink was like a guy, she couldn't keep her dick in her pants. Tink crosses her naked thigh over mine to pacify me. Her skin was soft and warm. It was a calculated move on her part, all her moves were calculated but it appeases my need to be close to someone.

Months go by. The boy gains importance in her life and soon I am the one being fed the lies. Tinkerbell starts dancing again. She switches visitation times with the T-Rex's dad so she can spend more time away from my home. I feel the change, so I ask her to leave. She says she is ready to go anyway. Still I think it is a surprise. It is for me.  I always thought we would be together in the end.


* * *

Later Billy pulls up to the pumps of the gas station. She is driving-- again.  I am looking at the girl, not the road. A strand of blond hair has fallen into her eyes. "What is this?" What is going on between us?" I ask her, waving my hand between us.

She understands what I mean. "When I talk about you, I say my boyfriend, Bathwater."

"You do? " I smile in surprise and motion for her to come with me. I walk around to her door before she gets out and lean in the window. "I talk about you all the time, you know. I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my girlfriend."

Monday, April 27, 2020

Monday

It's been a long year since you've been gone
I've been alone here I've grown old
Fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

We close on my father's condo this week.  The terms are immediate occupancy so we scrabbled to get the remaining furniture out this weekend.  The places we can donate the stuff are all closed.  My brother waited till the last minute to discuss this.  Perhaps he didn't realize or he was hoping the restrictions would be lifted this week.  I stopped by my friends Jay's house after.  We kept the socially distant.  Nothing is the same.  Nothing is going to be the same for a while.

Lately when I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking old.  Maybe it is the long hair.  My friends say I look better with long hair but I don't think so.  I am not feeling my age but I think I am starting to look it.  Fuck next will I have to start acting it?

The whole world has issues right now.  It feels like there is no one to complain too.  Do I have anything to complain about?  I am still getting paid.  I am not sick.  I do not need anything.  Well that isn't really true.

I keep a journal of memories 
I'm feeling lonely I can't breathe
Fall to pieces I'm falling...Fall to Pieces, Velvet Revolver

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Hanging On

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes


I awoke realizing I had already re-posted "And We Are Broken".  I really am in some twisted version of Corona Virus groundhogs day.  Our governor has extend her "stay safe, stay at home order till mid May.  My mental state will be frazzled my then.  I miss humanity.  This year was supposed to be so different.  I was going to meet new people, take a few well deserved vacations how did we end up here?

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on...Everybody Hurts, REM

Distant Past "Warning Some May Find This Disturbing"

It is late Friday night. I am sorting Lego and listening to 90's alternative music.  The songs remind me of the past. I don't feel like lying in bed.  This song is playing and I knew there was an old post tied to it. This was originally posted during the height of Billy's addiction.  I think the writing is superior to half the stuff I write today.

And We Are Broken
Originally Posted:  Monday, February 18, 2013

I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Goodbye...

I watch Netflix episodes of Alias off my phone in bed.  I watch the pounds creep up on my bathroom scale.  I have been reading, searching for a place for my voice among other novels-- still I strain to put anything new together here.

My inner circle comes and goes from the condo.  I even went out with Jay and Alexis for a night of drinks at the bar.  They reminisced about their childhood sexual experiences together.  It was awkward. 

Alone in the darkness of my room thoughts of being content with the limited perceptions of sight, taste and sound without the pains of a physical body start to become appealing.  It can't really be called depression.  In accent times it was one of the original seven deadly sins that affects me-- acedia

I get that text message, "Hey".   One word--

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living
She's golden, she lives for me
She says she lives for me ovation, she got her own motivation
She comes 'round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
It's like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse 

It is Saturday morning and Billy wants to hang out and I agree-- to all it will entail.  I pull my Challenger from the garage.  The weather has kept me from driving it the last few days.  The sky is clear but a few light snow flakes float on the wind.  I haven't checked the weather but I don't feel like switching vehicles and suffering the hour and a half drive to Billy's house and back in the truck.

We talk on the phone as I drive her direction.  I am anxious to see her; she is anxious for other reasons.  I tell her so.  "You feel the same way I do right now.  There is anticipation running through your skin accept not for me, it is for your drug of choice."

I make good time till I get into the city.  I hit a snow squall.  The roads turn slick and visibility is reduced to a quarter mile.  The Challenger's 22 inch wheels and low profile tires are like pontoons on icy pavement.  I am reduced to twenty five miles an hour in the slow lane.   There are cars spinning out around me. 

The snow is not the kind that will accumulate into inches on the roads.  That would be better for the average northern driver.  The freeways remained slick slowing traffic, causing the heat from the under carriages to make the roads icier.  My hands are clenched to the steering wheel.

When I arrive, Billy comes to the car carrying a large purse and two bags filled with clothes.  "Have you been kicked out again?"  I ask her.  

"No."  When I express my doubts she assures me.  "You can call my mom if you want."

Physically she looks good.  She is the heaviest I have ever seen her.  I can tell her mind is not clear.  She tells me she is on Xanax, and that her stomach is in knots.  She has been using another person to acquire heroin, getting them hooked then piggy backing off them to get her own by pretending the cost is higher, until her patsy went to the dealer by himself and figured it out.

The snow in the city has gotten worse.  I'm sliding around the streets of Southwest Detroit in parts of town we have no business being. Billy cannot remember half the stuff she is told or does when she is high but she knows every street in the ghetto.  We come to a stop in the middle of a snow covered street.  Cars line both sides.  I look out my driver side window.  A burned out home and an abandon house are on my left.  Several house on the right don't look much better. 

Billy steps out of the car and meets the dealer on the sidewalk.  This guy has sold to us before but has never seen my car.  We usually buy from one of his runners on a different side street. She is back within seconds.  I catch a glimpse of a black guy walking back into a house.  I would not be able to pick him out of a line-up.  I am not sure I would be able to get back to the same location.

Billy directs me in a series of right and left directions that get me back on the freeway, while she unwraps eight foil squares the size of your index finger nail and pours the off-white powder onto her phone screen.  

The amount of heroin looks small.  The effects, combined with the Xanax, can be seen  immediately.  She snorts the powder.  Within minutes she is 'nodding.'   It takes an hour to get out of the city and the snow squalls.  Billy appears to be sleeping for the ride but I can rouse her with a nudge.

Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play
She said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
Baby, baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Goodbye..."

When we get home I put in a pizza.  Billy gets comfortable.  We make a pot of coffee.  Outside the snow squalls have caught up to us.  Big puffy flakes fall in a whiteout of snow.  Looking out the windows from the couch the scene is picturesque.

We eat and play video games.  Billy  talks of quitting next week. Her movements are slow she has no concentration.  Watching her is like watching a person trying to keep from falling asleep during everything she does.  It is sad to watch. 

I ask her if she has ever seen herself before.  She says no.  I start video taping her with my phone while she is eating.  She doesn't notice.  I want her to look at the video tomorrow when she is straight.  She is compliant and mostly happy when she is on dope.  Her mind shuts down and she has a heightened sense of touch.

Billy snots another bump.  When it kicks in there is no use trying to play video games.  She suggests watching a movie and I agree.  We lay on the couch together.  I let my hands drift over her soft skin while the movie plays.  She gets lost in the sensations of my touch.  Billy turns to me and we kiss.

I let my hands drift down between her legs.  Her eyes are closed, her lips are slightly parted.  She is awake and he breathing reacts to my movements.  She begins to rub me.  My need for her becomes urgent.   We are spooned with me lying behind her.  Both of us have on light pants.  I pull them down and enter her from behind.  

It has been weeks since I have had sex and I can control myself long while I am inside her.  I cum quickly.  Billy is asleep before I get back from cleaning up.  I take up my position on the couch and hold her close.  I drift in and out of sleep with her while she snores.  I'm sure she doesn't remember we even had sex on the couch.

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth
Will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock
With a tick tock rhythm
A bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again
Then I bumped again, she said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life 

I wake her after midnight.  "Sara honey, let's go upstairs."  

She apologizes for falling asleep"In my defense, I usually am in bed by nine at home.  I have nothing else to do."  

Billy does her final bump before we go upstairs.  She takes off all her clothes.  I follow suit.  In the dark during foreplay she makes the comment, "You are not video taping me, are you?"  As if she had some disjointed recollection of my taping her earlier.

"How can I be?  The light is off."

We have sex earnestly in the dark.  I pound into her hard from behind, feeling my body slap against her soft ass with each thrust.  She moans with each stroke.  We finish facing each other and fall asleep tangled throughout the rest of the night. 

I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords could make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
All right
And when the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we're tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I'm struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
Slides up around the belly
Face down on the mattress

The next morning I have to take her home.  I have Tinkerbell, Max and The T-Rex coming over that night.  Billy is still is involved with the other guy.  We don't try to figure anything out.  We have time for breakfast.  She picks a diner close to her home.

The drug haze is gone.  She is thinking clear.  I show her the video of her from the day before.  She is not happy with what she sees.  She doesn't think she is always like that.  I assure her she is.  I tell her I could not believe her mom didn't know she was on Xanax yesterday.  This is the Billy I like. The Billy that is fun to be around but not using.  The morning after Billy.  She is not high but she is not yet affected by cravings or withdraws.  For a few moments, she is normal.

One, and you hold me
And we're broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
I feel myself heavy on the ground
I'm scared I'm not coming down
No no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws just locked now in a smile
But nothing is all right
All right

She asks the owner of the restaurant if they are hiring.  She charms him into allowing her to apply for an opening that doesn't officially exist. She tells me that she is going to go to her doctor on Tuesday to get on Suboxone, if she can't she is willing to go back to rehab again this week.  I hope she does.  She should never quit trying to quit.

I clean the house when I get home, erasing all evidence of her presence before Tinkerbell arrives.  I don't want to answer any of her questions.  When Max arrives we make replicas of the perk-a-cola bottles for every perk they offer in Call of Duty.  This morning I weigh 4 pounds less. 

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
In the place we used to sta-a-a-a-rt....
Semi- Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind