After visiting Joshua tree National Park yesterday we are off to the sketchiest part of our trip. We will be spending the next three days, including New Years, in Las Vegas. I would like to visit some areas but I also want to try to remain safe. Previously we managed to avoid crowds and visit national parks. Las Vegas will be different. I will let you know how it goes.
Here are a couple images from Joshua Tree.
Firefly is a stereo typical example of what is wrong with girls of her generation. She is cute, but not exceptional. She spends her time online looking for validation, stemming from insecurity. She has an OnlyFans account. She expects guys to send her money to see seminude and nude images of her. Some actually do, but not enough to make a living from. Is it worth having yourself naked all over the internet?
She lives with me and is traveling around the country with me. She has one boy at home who thinks he is her new boyfriend and that our relationship is platonic. Its not. Far from it. Ours is a mutually beneficial arrangement. She has another boy she thinks is the one she is going to marry. He says things like, I am waiting for you. They are both simps. I have not even mentioned the handful of other guys she talks with. She will never be able to commit to one man.
I warn her she needs to settle down and commit, while she is in her prime, before her looks are gone. Continuing to chase the easy money will leave her with no education and no career. She is setting herself up for failure. At least a failure to be happy.
I know she has had it hard but a lot of the choices are her own. I talk around these things with her, but I don't push too hard. She doesn't want to hear the truth.
My only mistake was not getting a national parks pass from the beginning. We have been to several and have several more to go. Spending Christmas in Tucson was a good idea. The weather was great. Highs were around 70 degrees. We spend a few days at the pool and went to Sabino Canyon for a hike.
It was time to move on yesterday. Firefly gets lazy and I like to see new things. We are in Palm Springs, California. It rained last night. Their idea of a winter storm. We are going to Joshua Tree tomorrow. I would like to head for a few more places in the area. The plan is to drive up through the Mojave with my Jeep Gladiator Mojave on the way to Las Vegas next.
We left at 9:00 am. The storm that battered the east did not affect us. The day was overcast but without precipitation. We filled the truck bed with bags. Better to have too much than not enough.
Firefly sleep the first 4 hours. She said she has not been sleeping very well. We stopped once to get drive through and refuel in Ohio, then again later to go to the bathroom in Kentucky.
Firefly perked up as the day progressed. The last two hours of the drive she was taking pictures and videos while singing along with me to alternative rock tunes.
We spent two nights in Nashville, taking in music row and the Parthenon. The next day we headed for Memphis and Graceland. So far I think Graceland was one of are favorite stops. There is plenty to see. We arrived around 2:00 pm and ended up being the last car in the parking lot. Firefly likes to explore everything. She takes pictures and reads all the exhibits where ever we go.
It is hard to believe we have already been on the road for 8 days. We spent 2 days in Hot Springs, Arkansas before driving through Texas and staying over at Carlsbad New Mexico. We saw the caverns which was another great adventure and headed out to White Sands. White Sands is pretty but not the place to be on a cold and windy day. It was like being back in the snow but with more grit.
We are in Tucson now. We are staying in a fancy resort and resting. I will upload some pictures later today or tomorrow. We still have more places to see.
Tomorrow we are leaving. I am packing the "lit flare" (Firefly) and heading out into the fireworks shop, as Rothwilder put it. Our first stops are Nashville, Memphis, Hot Springs and Galveston. From there this get a little murky. Carlsbad is on the list and we are staying outside of Tucson for Christmas. We will be in Las Vegas for New Years and visiting Zion National park along the return leg, with several other possible stops along the way.
It is two days before our departure. Firefly says she is excited but she still needs to get her prescription for Suboxone today. Yesterday they would not give it to her. She had a faint trace of cocaine show up on her drug test. She says it was a false positive but I doubt it.
I am not going to get my hopes up until we are actually on the road. I have been disappointed too many times in the past. If we go, I plan on making it an epic journey to the best of my abilities. If we don't, I plan on painting the moldings along the top of the half wall that borders the loft and stairwell. Inside I have resigned myself to either outcome.
I have sent Tinkerbell a copy of my book for her to read and give me feedback. I am pretty happy with it. It looks like a novel. It has a cover page, copyright, dedication, and table of content. I have been reading a book on Amazon that describes how to format it for self publication. Dave I might pic your brain on this also as you have successfully published four novels that way.
My hope is to have a picture of me beside the Jeep Gladiator with the mountains of the Southwest behind me. If nothing else, this goal, completing my first draft, is complete. I am taking my computer on the trip. To do research on the journey. I will try to keep you posted along the way.
I regard her closely. Firefly is so young. She looks at me silently. Her lower lip protruding in a subconscious pout. "I have never taken a twenty-six day vacation. I have never traveled the country. I want to do it with you. I want to create new memories. You are young this trip might inspire you to travel more, but this might be the best chance I will ever have."
None of my friends have said anything to discourage me from taking this trip during the pandemic. No one has said I am being selfish. I think I am being selfish. That could just be the voice inside my head.
I emailed Billie the other day during a bit of a low point. It was a brief note apologizing for not reaching out when she did. I told her I am fine and the boys are fine and I missed her. Her mom is sick with Covid and having a hard time with it. Our exchange was devoid of any details concerning ourselves, just a thousand unanswered questions.
I have to start creating some uplifting playlists for the ride. Although this song speaks volumes about the way I feel, I would rather keep Firefly in a positive mood.
I don't get very political on here. I usually use this space to explore my personal life. But if you ask me, this is how nations crumble. This is how they lose their influence and control. It makes me sad to see.
I have been pacing the floors of my condo. Walking in aimless tight circles. I haven't been eating much. My weight is the lowest it has been since Billie left. Sleeping is hard even when I dose myself with medications. I have not been out of the house since Sunday. Firefly is supposed to be coming home tonight. She has been gone for three days. I feel like she will come up with an excuse not to show up before the day is out.
I am fixated on the uncertainty of this upcoming trick. I am not sure if Firefly even wants to go anymore. She is weaning herself off of benzos. My gut tells me is will be hard to deal with on the trip. It is hard to deal with her here. I keep telling myself to not be impulsive. There is not harm in waiting it out a few more days. We don't have any advanced reservations. I have nothing to lose. If we don't go, I think I will just take the car away again and be done with her. If we do, I will probably sign it over to her and ask her to move out. I should never have put myself in this position. I am really at a lose what to do.
I don't foresee any vacation with Firefly. I don't see her being able or wanting to travel. She is still bouncing from place to place. Mostly avoiding here, because here, she doesn't get away with anything. I am going to have to cut her off. She doesn't seem to want to be clean. She just seems to say what people want to hear. She is very much like Billie at her age. It is triggering for me. I already know how this plays out. It will be better for me just to cut her off. I don't need to deal with the holidays and Firefly also.
I have been pinning my hopes on a vacation in the middle of this pandemic. It doesn't make much sense. I just wanted the chance to get away with someone. I feel like this will be my last chance to make such a road trip. That is why I have been still dealing with Firefly and why I am willing to risk the pandemic. I don't think it is much a risk getting sick. I am pretty sure Firefly caught the virus just before Thanksgiving. She lost her sense of smell and had a fever. She is getting over it. I did not get sick. I believe either I got it back in March from the Gymnast or I am asymptomatic.
I feel like I have spent my whole life wanting more. Maybe I have just spent my life trying to control what happens next. I need to get back to just letting go.
It is going to be a long winter. Firefly is still in the wind, I am not sure if we will be going anywhere. I have been working from home and isolating. I pace the rooms of my condo. I stare at the multitude of Legos built models and in unopened boxes, but I have no motivation to build. Do hobbies, like relationships, just fade away?
Sometimes it feels like Billie tainted everything around me. It was not enough to paint the walls and replace the carpet. She still haunts every corner of this home.
I am just tired. I am tired of struggling to capture something out of reach and unwilling to settle for something less. I need a good motivational book because I have lost all drive and purpose.
My friend Sam likes to say to me, "How many times do you want to get kicked in the teeth before you turn away?" She was referring to me communication with Billie and the fact that it always sets me back. For the record, I have not been in contact with Billie since April. I ignored the text and emails she sent to in September. I want to reach out to her though because I want to reach out to someone.
Sam's question could refer to all my relationships though. Looking back while writing my memoir I see the patterns repeat. It seems I do not learn from my experiences.
I have finished a first draft of my memoir. It comes out to 349 pages. A respectable size for a novel. I am still working on refining and adding things. I am no longer posting it to Wattpad but if a few people would like to read it in this state and provide feedback email me at dashfelodese@gmail.com
I would love to hear any criticism.
I started this post prior to the events around Thanksgiving. The losses I have experienced this year cannot be expressed by the number of days that have past. I miss Billie. I feel like the flawed life we had together will get distorted by time into a perfection that didn't exist. Only my memoir reminds me of the truth, but being with someone is never perfect. It is not meant to be that way.
Firefly wants to come home in a few days. She is drying out at a friends house. I have spoken with the friend and he seems to be legitimately try to help her. We will see how it goes. If she can just make it to the 17th and our vacation I think 20 some days on the road will help her refocus or drive us both insane.
The holiday season. Is the time I struggle the most. Last year I was sick and too busy taking care of my dad, but this year I have been working from home full time again and this long vacation has already been a struggle. I am not sure how well I will be able to handle eighteen days off alone. Twenty-five days on the road would be an adventure. An adventure I really would like to have.
* * *
Monday night Firefly came home late with little in the way of explanation. Tuesday it was difficult to pull her out of bed at noon so she could make her 1:15 appointment with the addiction doctor. She didn't come home Tuesday night. She said she was staying with a friend in Warren. It start big text exchange. I told her this was not working for me and she should find another place to live among other things.
Wednesday she continued to avoid coming back to the condo. She was probably afraid I would take away her keys. It rained all day Wednesday. I headed out to a few places I felt I might find her but I didn't see any trace of her. I gave up and went home. She text me again in the evening telling me she was in Washington Township staying with another friend.
By Thanksgiving morning the rain had stopped. I got up earlier. I cannot stop Firefly from spiraling out of control but she was not going to be using the car I paid for and insure to do it. I figured if she was staying with a friend from school like she said it would be in an apartment. Twenty year old kids cannot afford to own a home in that area. There ae not many apartment complexes in the area. So I took a twenty minute drive to Washington Township and did a little looking around.
The first place I checked was on the way to where I really felt she would be. I drove through but didn't see the Saturn Vue. I found the Vue in the second apartment complex. I parked me truck across the street and walked back to the Vue. The Saturn had a quarter tank of gas. I drove it to a nearby Meijer parking lot. The grocery store was open and people were still buying last minute Thanksgiving day meal items. I walked back to my truck and drove home. Once I got home, I took an Uber and retrieved the Vue.
It was not until after 5:00 pm that she noticed the car was missing.
Firefly: 'You took the car?'
Bathwater: 'You went off the rails and disappeared for two days.'
She said she is going to pay for the car and then I can be done with her. It won't happen. She was silent today. Probably going through withdrawals.
We had our first snowfall of the season. A dusting that just cover roofs and grass. Temperatures are expected to rise this week. It doesn't look like we will have any real accumulation this month. This week is a short work week. It should be slow.
Firefly had a fever a couple days last week. I think she had a mild case of covid. It didn't infect me. I did not show any symptoms except for a headache. She didn't get tested. I still feel I had the virus back in March but who can say for sure. I have limited those I am around. Firefly has been doing her usual. She is on Suboxone but she has not reduced the amount of crack she smokes. It is irritating. I am not sure we will go on a road trip in December. There are two things against it. Her drug use and the virus.
I have been playing Borderland 3. I do not find it as fun as 1 or 2. I want to start an original Lego model but I have not gotten up the ambition. I am not sure what theme I want to build around. It will be either Call of Duty or Harry Potter. I really want to replicate some of the rooms in the classic Call of Duty Zombie maps in Lego.
We are working from home again. The governor has issued another three week lockdown. Truthfully we should never have gone back to the office. It was only two days a week, but we had three covid cases amongst the team in that time. A three week stay at home order will mean only one or two more times in the office for me.
I am watching a documentary on quantum theory. A topic that intrigues me and confuses me. Apparently it is a topic that confuses the experts too. I am drawn to entanglement theory. In quantum physics, entangled particles remain connected so that actions performed on one affect the other, even when separated by great distances. I like to project this theory onto people. We affect those we are entangled with even over long distances just by changes we make in ourselves.
The more I learn about quantum theory the more I think we are in a simulation. A simulation our conscious has more control over than we realise.
It was one of those weeks. I did a search on the name of Billie's new boyfriend. He came up in the voting records at his new address. The house she moved into with him. It is a small two bedroom, one bath 1100 sq. ft. box in Southfield. Not a great neighborhood. It is thirty minutes away but I had to drive by...just to see.
Sunday Tinkerbell, her family, and I went to Greenfield Village. I always like Greenfield Village. Henry Ford decide he was going to preserve history and created a museum and a the village to keep historic builds preserved for future generations. If you are a Henry Ford or Thomas Edison fan you will like it. You won't hear much about Nikola Tesla or the Dodge brothers though. It is history seen through the eyes of Henry Ford.
The forecast called for sunny and mid forties but in actuality the sun did not appear much. We spent several hours walking the grounds. We were cold and tired by the time we left.
Wait a minute baby
As some have guessed, Firefly first week home was a bit of a struggle. It is smoothing out. She is on Suboxone and has appointments with a psychiatrist and an addictionologist. I am dealing with a bit of a horny insomniac. Which I am not complaining about. There is nothing wrong with falling asleep after sleep and waking up to sex.
We are still making plans for a sweeping 25 day vacation across the southwest. It should be a once in a lifetime adventure. Sure I may go back out west, but will I have 25 days off and a willing companion again before I retire (which I never plan on doing).
Today I started investing on upgrades to the gladiator for the trip. I am adding a dash cam, racks for rotopax and holding equipment to things we might need on the road including first aid kits.
It is only six weeks away. I have been looking at cities and destinations along the way: Nashville, Hot Springs, Galveston Isle, Carlsbad, Roswell, Tuscon, Mojave Desert, Grand Canyon and back through Utah and Colorado as weather permits. We are not booking things far in advance just picking and choosing as we go although we will probably celebrate Christmas around Tucson.
It is after midnight. I am trying to sleep. Firefly is still trying to settle down and is staring at the screen of her phone. When her Seroquel kicks in, I roll onto my back and she snuggles into me.
"Why do you keep me around," she asks.
She is drowsy and is asleep before I can reply. I don't have an answer. Rothwilder would say I am retreading familiar ground. This is true, but I am expecting a different outcome, or am I here because I know what to expect? Covid changed a few things. It is not easy to get out and keep busy. Having Firefly around has helped.
How is she doing. I am really not sure. She is on Suboxone. Which means technically she is not doing any Fentanyl, but she is getting the Suboxone off the streets which means continuing her old routines. Let's just say it is a work in progress.
The year keeps plodding on toward the end. I am still counting down the days.
Last week the day after selling the Silver Jeep I made arrangements to purchase a 2003 Saturn Vue for about 1/10 the price of the Jeep. It looks good on the outside but it has 188,000 miles on it.
I've had to do a few things to it but I think it will get Firefly around for a while. She is back by the way. Her insurance only paid for 10 days and she was not able to get a scholarship to stay longer. She is doing okay. She is struggling but has not relapsed so far that I can tell. She is a bit manic at times and has some insomnia but both are normal. We will see how it goes. She is looking into local day programs. She definitely needs a lot of therapy.
I had her sign a list of house rules and requirements. Violation of any will get her kicked out of the house. It strict but she needs it. She can be a handful and will walk all over you if you let her. We are talking about just getting in the Gladiator and heading south over the Christmas holiday. I have 16 days of and would like to drive down into New Mexico, Texas and Arizona. We'll see.
Firefly left Friday. As is her typical fashion she was running late but she successfully made it to the rehab in Texas. We will see where things take us from here. The house is emptier with her gone. I cleaned the silver Jeep up Friday and put it up for sale. It sold Saturday to the first guy who looked at it. His girlfriend has one. He is going to flip my Jeep and keep the extra parts for her Jeep. He got a good deal but I am happy with the selling price. He is picking it up Wednesday.
I will miss the Punisher but the Gladiator more than makes up for it. I have been counting down the days left in the year. I can have 16 days off at the end of the year if I save my vacation days. It would be nice to get in the Gladiator and just take off. I wonder if Firefly would be interrested.
Wednesday after I took Max home, I arrived back at the condo thirty minutes before Firefly. I was tired, but Firefly likes to stay up late into the night. She went back to the bathroom to apply a face mask and a hair treatment.
"Did you die in there?" I text her, after several minutes pass.
"Give me five minutes loser," she replies.
Text and meme's continue to be exchanged.
"I swear I am going to get that sex doll while you are away."
"Oh hush you are gonna miss me!"
When she finally gets out she sits and front of me wearing only a pair of nude colored pants and asks for a back rub. I oblige knowing what will come after but my heart is not into the task. I am horny and tired and still have not gotten my second wind. She lets me off the hook quickly after a few minutes and lays next to me.
"It is so wrong that I like having sex with you more than Toad, (the boy she is seeing), but you have a bigger dick and more experience," she says.
I smile and ask, "should we get out the toys for our last night?"
She says yes, so I pull a small vibrator from the dresser and use it while going down on her. Her body arches and squirms to my rhythm. She doesn't last long before she is pulling me up toward her.
"Thought you liked girls going down on you," I whisper in her ear.
"They don't have dicks," She says and grinds her pelvis into me.
I tease her before entering her, "What do you want?"
"Your dick."
I enter her slowly, continuing to tease before burying myself deep inside her. It is an epic sexual encounter. Pillows are knocked from the bed as we have sex in multiple positions. I finish with me on top of her missionary. We are both hot and sweaty.
"We will still have time to do it again tomorrow," she says to me. "You hungry?"
"You are crazy," I tell her.
We go downstairs and I help her make a chicken wrap. It is close to 3:30 am before we settled under the covers. Firefly wraps her leg over my torso and cuddles her face into my chest. She is asleep in minutes.
It is 8:30 pm, I am in bed watching season two of The Boys on Prime. Firefly is in the bathroom taking a shower. I am looking forward to one last even with her when my phone rings. My son Maxwell works the evening shift unloading at Lowes. He dropped a pallet on his foot and they want him to get an x-ray.
"Can you take me to get an x-ray?" He asks.
"Yeah, of course I will be right there." The store is just five minutes from the house.
I get up, slide into a pair of jeans and tell Firefly the situation through the bathroom door before taking off.
"That okay my mom wants me to stop over, anyway. She says she has something for me," Firefly tells me.
I take the new Gladiator up to Lowes and park in the fire lane out front. I check my phone for open urgent care facilities in the area. Most of the ones that deal with workman's compensation injuries are closed. The nearest 24 hour one is an hour away. Max comes limping out a few minutes later. He is wearing a black Vans pullover hoodie and jeans.
I suggest we go to a Henry Ford urgent care that is right up the road and he agrees. It is just past 9:00 pm when we get there but the place seems deserted. I drop Max off at the door and park the Gladiator. When I reach the entrance they already have him in a wheelchair but the nurse working the door tells me I have to wait in the car. They are not allowing guests in with the patients.
I head back out toward the truck to wait. I cannot help be admire the truck under the parking lot lights. I am still in awe of it. It is a mighty beast. I stop an take a photo. It is blurry but a car pulled in near by will I was snapping the image and I didn't want to appear to be gawking over my own vehicle so I did not take another.
An elderly security guard wheeled Max out thirty minutes later. His foot is bruised and may have a hairline fracture but nothing serious.
"Do you want to get your truck, now or just wait till tomorrow?" My house, his mother's house where he lives and the Lowes are all within a five mile radius.
"I'll get it tomorrow," he informs me, so I head for his home.
"Don't you have safety boots?" I ask on the ride.
"I do, but I decided to wear my tennis shoes today." Apparently work boots are not required.
This morning I text him. "How is your foot?"
"Better but bruised to hell."
And we can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm
And we can top the old times, clay-making that nothing else will changeThe house holds the little warmth of the day. The nights are cool but we still leave the sliding door cracked. Saturday we left our bikes at home and decided to hike the trails at our park. The weather was perfect. In typical fashion when going out with Tinkerbell, the T-Rex and her boyfriend the hike was over three hours long. I feel it in my knees and legs. Even though I ride my bike most days, doing something different can be telling.
I am cuddled up next to Firefly. We are both restless. It is after midnight and she is winding down. I am on my second wind. We are spooned. My hand is stroking her legs and ass. Our legs are intertwined but my knees and legs are aching and I am having trouble laying still. I get up, go down to the kitchen and take two Tylenol.
When I slide back into bed I face the opposite direction. Firefly turns with me and continues to cuddle into me until we fall asleep. I am still pushing her to get into a rehab. Being here is not doing her any good. She is treading water and costing me money. I told her I am putting the old Jeep up for sale next week. She thinks she will be gone by the end of the week. I will miss her when she is gone but she has to leave first.
The end of the year will coming quickly now. I am looking forward to the change. People think the virus will risk will be higher this winter. I am fine with just buckling down and staying indoors. We will see. I want to get back to my routine. I have been putting on weight and my stomach has been giving me some pains again. Not bad ones but I am getting worried that it will return around the holidays.
We have been going back to the office two days a week since July. It is not necessary. My customers are still working from home. I can do 90% of my job from home. Going to the office should be as needed but the owner is old-fashioned and figures you are only working if he can see you (though he is often not here).
Two people in my office have come down with Covid 19. They did not get it from each other. We have been lucky that both started showing symptoms on the weekend and had little time in the office prior. They could have easily spread it to others. Friday we have office meeting. I have a feeling the owner will be pushing for us to start coming back 3 times a week. It is not a popular idea amongst the team.
I have not heard back from the casting director. Looks like my movie carrier might have stalled. Maybe a lot of people responded and they don't need me.
Firefly has still not picked a rehab. She has been doing research on line asking question on discussion boards. She is back to looking at places in California. Last night she told me she is calling two places today. I will be glad to see her go. She is disruptive to my routine. I don't think it will be a good idea for her to return when she is done. I think I provide added stress on her. She definitely adds stress to my life.
This year is still moving quickly. I wanted to get a rough draft of my memoir completed by the end of the year but I have not been working on it lately. I have been creating a list of things to do around the house for the winter months.
"So, how is your little friend doing?" Alexis asks me. It is a leading question, but I know where she is headed.
"Fine, why? Did Sam tell you she met Firefly?"
Alexis laughs, "Sam said, she looks like she is twelve."
"She looks sixteen," I counter. "But, I swear she is twenty."
I have mostly female friends. Over the years, they have described my desire to date and sleep with younger women as weird or creepy. I understand why, though they would never admit it. Seeing a man their own age dating a younger woman cuts too close to home for them. I am not weird or creepy, though. Several studies have shown, no matter his age, a man finds a woman in her early twenties to be the most attractive.
This means I am not out of the ordinary except for the fact that I pursue what I desire. Most guys, given a choice, would sleep with a younger woman over an older woman. Some guys don't have the choice because they are married, poor, or not attractive. I don't seem to have those issues.
I just turned fifty-six. I have not slept with a woman over thirty since my divorce fifteen years ago (my ex-wife was in her early thirties at the time. Alexis likes to say, no girl in her twenties wants to be with someone your age. I would agree. Why would they want to date me, but Billie did for seven years.
Firefly and the Gymnast both enjoy having sex with me. They show too much enthusiasm for it to be obligatory. Firefly doesn't cuddle up to me and stroke my chest at night because it is expected. Our relationship is mutually beneficial, but there is a greyness to it that I don't try to explain anymore. It doesn't matter. I have never been in a relationship that didn't have some mutually beneficial aspect to it.
"You want me to tie you to the bed?" I ask Firefly as I slowly kiss my way down between her legs.
"Tomorrow night, I am too tired for that tonight."
"Tomorrow?" I smile to myself before I start stroking her with my tongue.
* * *
In other news, about a year ago, after Billie left, during my "don't say no to anything phase," I signed up to be an extra with a casting agency in Detroit. I did not hear from them until this week. Steven Soderbergh is filming a movie in Detroit this month, tentatively called Kill Switch. I was asked if I am available and if I am interested in being an extra. The role is a mob-type character. Perfect for an Italian like me. I said yes, and I am waiting to hear back from them. It would be one more thing to scratch off my bucket list.
I feel like writing off the rest of September. I am ready for October. Firefly has till the end of the month to come up with a plan for reentering rehab. I will be instituting my own plan. I want to sell my old Jeep by mid October. She will be without a car unless she buys her own and her money saving has been on a sharp decline the last two weeks. I actually want her gone. Not because I don't like having her around, but this time is not doing her any good. She is stuck in a holding pattern.
I am looking forward to having the condo to myself again. The cat, on the other hand, has finally started to take a liking to Firefly. If she wants to return, once she has completed 30 to 90 days of rehab, we will need to have some discussions. I am getting too old to be parenting another twenty year old girl through her daddy issues. I am going to have to visit that Physic again while Firefly is away to gain some perspective.
Saturday I purchased a kayak from my friend Alexis. It was only $175. It is a good kayak for the price. I am not sure if it is a good investment though. I don't go kayaking enough. Perhaps this will make me more inclined. I have it strapped to the ceiling of the garage. I will probably move it to the wall above my ladder once I sell the silver Jeep.
Due to lack of good content I have decided to include images of my Silver Jeep that will be going up for sale soon.
I have a standing rule, if Firefly uses my old Jeep it needs to be home by midnight. She can do what she wants after midnight, but the vehicle remains home. She thinks it is safer to be driving around at night. I disagree knowing the neighborhoods she visits.
She tends to get home at midnight and often does not fall asleep until 2:00 or 3:00. I reeks havoc on my sleep schedule because I will often find myself up also.
"I'm going to get me a full length mirror and put it in my bathroom," she tells me. "So I can evaluate my outfits."
"Your bathroom? What?" Since when did this arrangement become permanent? I think to myself, but do not say out loud.
"They are only like $5 are Walmart." She continues strolling back into the spare room.
She has commandeered the bathroom in the spare bedroom as her own. I don't mind, she has a slew of products I wouldn't want to fight my way around every morning. She keeps her clothes, and sleeps with me, in the smaller master bedroom.
Last night at 2:00 am, after a late night session of sex, I follow her down to the kitchen for a snack. She is dressed in black panties and a black bralette. "I have been told it is not normal to have nude girls roaming through the house," I say, as a lightly grab her butt in passing.
"Well it must suck for others."
I agree.
Friday I still had those six words stuck in my head, "hope you have a great year". I worked the day on my computer at home. Firefly woke late and continued to be late the rest of the day. She left to score drugs in the afternoon and got caught in rush hour traffic on the ride home.
Firefly: I wanted to get you a cake on the way home but I guess that's not happening.
Bathwater: Just get home and we will figure it all out.
We ended up leaving for the restaurant at 7:00 pm. Firefly was dressed in a little black dress and sheer jacket. She looked cute but the weather was a bit cool for the outfit. She did not care she had been determined to wear the dress since our trip to Ludington.
We had to wait 45 minutes for a table which gave us enough time to run across the street and buy a cake. Firefly had them write, "Happy 21st Birthday" on it.
While we waited in the car for our table she said to me, "You still haven't told me how old you really are."
"Yes I have, I'm twenty-five," I assure her but she is not buying my claim. "Was born the year after JFK was shot, look it up."
Firefly bounced around across from me during the meal. She was happy, in a way I don't see very often. Like most of her generation she was as interested in taking pictures of the evening as enjoying it. We ate the cake at home in bed while watching a few episodes of the series, Justified. Once our stomachs settled, we had sex in several positions.
Those are the good days. The days I don't mind having her around. The rest of the weekend she spent with her old boyfriend (not the violent one), he is an addict like her. A functioning addict one step away from crashing. He is very much like Billie. Firefly thinks he is her forever. I keep reminding her that the chances of them both getting clean is not good.
I tell her she needs a plan by the end of the month. I don't have much faith in her recovery. Everyone she knows and everything she does revolves around drugs. She will need to give that up if she wants to change.
She says she wants to move back here after rehab. "I'm not your parent," I tell her. "I don't want to deal with you." Right now I just want to get her to rehab. Coming back will be under a strict set of conditions. Things her family should have instituted when she was fifteen, not twenty.
This is the index card taped to my bathroom mirror. It has been there for about a year now. It says, "Just because I miss someone doesn't mean I need them back in my life. Missing is just a part of moving on."
Today is Billie's birthday. She turns twenty-eight years old. I will not be contacting her. Phoenix said he was a hopeless romantic in the comments a few posts back. I was once too. Not anymore. If I focused on Billie, she would come back into my life in some dramatic love triangle. I don't need that. I don't deserve it. I hope your life is everything you wanted it to be. But then again, it was everything you could possibly hope to have, and it wasn't enough.
The weather in Silver Lake was mostly cool and rainy. Our view from our hotel, blue skies over matching blue water separated by a strip of sand. Firefly is a good traveling partner. She is not demanding and rolls with the situation when it comes to eating and activities.
We had a good day Friday and made the most of the weather. We took the silver Jeep (my old one) out on the sand dunes for one more run. My silver Jeep (the Punisher), can handle the dunes without issues. I let Firefly do most of the driving. It was her first time experiencing the thrill of bouncing up and down the hills.
She buried it once on the top of the test hill, the tallest of the dunes. She slowed down too early and planted it at the top. It wasn't a big problem. There is always someone willing it give you a pull.
Saturday we went into Ludington. A small town on the shore of lake Michigan. The weather was cold and windy. Firefly did not have any opportunities to strip down to her swimsuit but we made the best of the day exploring the town. Sunday morning the wind we creating large white caps along the shore. The path to the lighthouse was under the waves.
I told her we can try doing one more trip before she leaves for rehab if she has the time. The weeks are going by fast here. I feel like I have a lot I want to do. I have to get the silver Jeep cleaned up and up for sale. We still need to vacuum out all the sand inside it and I need to replace the passenger side fender skirt because some little bug hit a trash can trying to avoid an accident.
