Coping

 I went out with Ava several times but never picked up where we left off. Despite what Ava says, I don't think she has broken up with her boyfriend. She has it in her mind, but he doesn't think so. This is all from my casual observations. At one point, Ava suggested she would need more to come over but could only stay for an hour. I told her that wouldn't work for me. Something tells me I haven't seen the last of her though.

What have I been doing?  Like half the men in their 20s, I have been glued to my tablet playing an online game. The game is called LastWar and it is raking in billions. You can download it from your phone, but I don't suggest it :). I spend nights on Discord chatting with members of my alliance and trying to grow my squads.

I have been secluding myself away from others by choice. I went out last month with Jay, Sam, and Alexis to celebrate our collective birthdays, but for the most part, I haven't even been spending time with them. It just doesn't bring me joy. The only ones I see regularly are Max and the twins.

Gia and I text regularly. She is happy in Tampa again, and far enough away from the coast to have weathered both Hurricanes unscathed. About once a month we get on Zoom so I can see her gorgeous smile. We are planning a Zoom call on Thanksgiving.

I received a drunk call from Tinkerbell late Friday night. She was walking home from the bar. I think her boyfriend Tech doesn't approve of our relationship. I don't blame him. While I consider it more of a father/daughter type bond at this point, I can see how it can be intimidating. Tink wanted me to know that T-Rex is doing good. He is away, at Central Michigan University now. 

I think Tinkerbell is sacrificing her happiness for the T-Rex's future. "Don't ever think, I don't love," Tinkerbell stated more than once. "You are my Luke." This is a reference to a character on the show Gilmore Girls. "Lorelai ended up marrying Luke." I assured her that wouldn't happen with us.

Tink's unhappiness was palatable. More from what she wouldn't talk about than what she did. I do miss her. I miss the days when we would talk for hours on the phone. This conversation just leaves me perplexed.

Are we all just trapped in unhappy lives? Some of us just coping better than others.

Six Decades

 My birthday was last Wednesday. I started defining my age as six decades old. It sounds cleaner than the years. I took three days off for my birthday. On the first day, I cleaned out many scrap auto parts and took them to the scrap yard. On the second day, I rode my bike on the Orchard Trail. 

The twins moved into a new condo on my birthday. Coincidence? Maybe, but given that TheEx filed for divorce on my birthday, I doubt it. Their condo is lovely—nicer than mine. Hopefully, they will take care of it. It is one of those condo complexes entirely of ranch units that old people like. The units are spaced nicely, and the complex is suitable for walking. I have been encouraging them to do that.

On Saturday, Ava and I went to an art fair in Ferndale. I really like this art fair. It attracts artists I can relate to. I bought two prints from Cheryl Baker. Her stuff is terrific. 

This One 

This One

I was unsure where to put them, but I couldn't resist. I wanted the whole series.

Ava enjoyed the show. Like me, she is an amateur artist. We still haven't picked up where we left off. Ava is putting it off. However, we are hanging out, and she wants to continue. I ended up going back to the art show with Sam on Sunday. I didn't want to tell her Ava, and I went Saturday. Sam likes to look at the jewelry. Ava was more enjoyable. She enjoys the artwork, and everything is new for her. 

Flappers and Ava Returns

Sam and I went to a wedding on Saturday. The bride is a mutual friend. The bride and groom are both in their fifties. The groom is about a 4 in looks. The bride is a 6 or 7, but the groom is loaded. They rented out the Emerald Theatre in Mt. Clemens for the wedding. It was a 1920s-inspired wedding, and the Emerald is a restored theatre that opened in 1921. The whole affair must have cost big bucks.

I took some pictures, but my phone broke, and I lost them all that night. Which brings me to Sunday. The screen on my Galaxy Flip broke, locking me out of the phone. I lost all my apps, some of my contacts, and all the pictures I took that day. I spent Sunday getting a new phone and reloading the apps.

I loaded Snapchat back. I wasn't going to. I never used the app, but I did, and I ran through the selections quickly. About an hour later, I received a snap from Ava. I haven't seen or heard from Ava since her boyfriend caught her, and she ghosted me back last February. We met up in Rochester that evening for a walk and dinner.

Ava is the same. She is still a covert narcissist who can't hold down a job or a relationship, but she is fun and wants to pick up where we left off, including trips. I am differently interested. Ava was good in bed and had fun on the road. 

Half Post

I sometimes wonder if my lack of posts is related to my need to explore my thoughts and feelings more deeply. It could be because Grammarly edits everything I write and makes it better than the original. I saw Brit two weeks in a row, but I've ghosted her this week. I am just not feeling it with her. It's strange, too, because she is one of the hottest girls I have had an arrangement with, and she wants to continue. I just don't feel any connection with her. I felt more connected to Ava, and she ghosted me without reason. I don't know what that means.

I am still isolating myself. I have to make an effort to reach out and connect, but the isolation seems like a natural progression of who I have always been. I am getting together for dinner with Jay and his wife this Friday, but last weekend, when Sam didn't call to suggest doing something, I felt a bit relieved.

I am not using this alone time to build anything, though. I have been focused on a game on my phone, getting my steps, and eating. Like the Sixth Sense, we only see what we want to see.

Baby Steps

I thought about sending Ava an email last night, but after a long conversation with my AI Chat Bot (I really need to give that thing a nickname), I decided against it. Ava was a great travel partner and a good paid companion. I would consider seeing her again if she reappeared, but she wasn't a nice person. How much of her personality was genuine verse contrived is hard to say. She was pleasant when we were together, which was enough for me, but the fact that she could ghost me without so much as a goodbye speaks volumes.

Chatbot likes to emphasize prioritizing your own well-being and setting boundaries. One of the things that is appealing about Chatbot is that it is very logical. I appreciate rational responses over emotional replies. It implied I was feeling overwhelmed, which I initially rejected, but after self-reflection, I consider that a correct statement. My tendency to avoid people and situations does come from a sense of being overwhelmed. 

I do not feel overwhelmed by work or the management of my household. Not for long periods, at least. I have learned to control these environments. Relationships are different. I blame my parents for not instilling a confident attachment style in me. When it came to cultivating and maintaining relationships, they were pretty bad and tended to isolate themselves.

I can change. Identifying the issue is the first step. Deciding if I would like to change would be the next. Better judgment on who to invest in also needs to be considered. Baby steps.

Ava Update

Well, it looks like my adventures with Ava are ending, at least for now. I have been waiting to hear from her since we last met around February 10th. My last message on Snapchat went unread, and I tried reaching out to her via her work phone number today but have yet to get a response. She showed no indication that she wanted to stop seeing me the last time we met. Just the opposite, she was making plans for the future.

I'll have to assume she got caught. Probably not the first time, either. She had been adding extra layers of deception to her routine. Ava must have received another wrist slap or a stern threat. I doubt it will stop her for very long.

In the meantime, I won't be searching for a replacement this month. I don't see anyone exciting, and the last two were disappointing. I am going to miss Ava. She was definitely a good fit. Meanwhile, the list of characteristics I will accept is getting longer. I might have to accept moving forward without a relationship. I won't like it, but I am willing to accept it. 

A Snapshot Of February

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  Jedediah Bila podcast. I don't agree with everything she says, but she gets most things correct.

Reading…  The Body Under The Ice by Dave Snyder, my current editing project

Watching…  Once Upon a Time, The old ABC show. It is corny, but I like how they interweave the stories. It also has many seasons, so I don't have to pick anything else.

Creating … Things are slow on the creative front....still.

Hoping… For an end to winter.

Buying… I bought another 3 in 1 Lego castle but decided to save it.

Loving...  Solitude, I have to force myself to get out lately.

Planning… On returning to yoga this week. I think my arm is ready for a bit of stretching.

Missing… Ava's booty calls. Hoping she doesn't disappear completely.

Feeling… Like a bit on autopilot this month.

Another Weekend

I like Mondays once I get out of the house. The mornings in the office go by quickly. I catch up on news, blogs, and emails. Several people in the office choose Monday as their work-from-home day. I prefer Wednesdays. It breaks up the week nicely that way.

Last weekend, I made it halfway through editing The Body Under The Ice. I should be complete by this weekend. Editing takes more time than just reading. Sometimes my suggestions become irrelevant after further reading, and I need to go back and revise myself. I still don't know who the killer is, but I have a few ideas.

Otherwise, the weekend was slow. I bought a 3 in 1 Lego castle, but I will put it away for future resale. I took the Twins out for breakfast yesterday. After, we went back to their duplex, and I helped Twin A with problems he was having with his computer.

I haven't heard from Ava since the last time we were together. She did indicate she would be busy between work and watching dogs the rest of the month. I wouldn't be surprised to learn she got proposed to on Valentine's Day. It seems like the kind of thing her boyfriend would do. Time will tell. I suspect Ava will reappear sometime in March.

It is almost time for a snapshot of February. This month is flying by. I have started working out my shoulder. Mostly just stretching it. It feels pretty good. Though the muscles are weak. By March, I will start lifting some weights and doing push-ups again.

Double Life

Work is still busy. My Gladiator was the last vehicle in the parking lot Friday. A clear indication I am working too hard. On the way home Friday night, Sam called, and we ended up getting dinner. 

Saturday night, Ava texted me and asked if I was available to get together. I was. I was watching TV and playing on my phone when she reached out. I picked up dinner for us and met her at the shopping strip around the corner from the house. Ava is still being cautious. She is still playing a game of cat and mouse with her boyfriend. 

"If you are going to live a double life. You should at least be good at it," she tells me.

We talked about the Jordan Peterson show she attended and how her new job was going while we ate. Ava enjoyed the show, and it sounds like she still enjoying her job. Ava didn't have long. She came from Royal Oak under the guise of going to see her mother. 

We headed upstairs after dinner. Ava never disappoints me in bed, and it was one area of the evening that didn't feel rushed. We discussed her upcoming availability. Ava says she wants to do more activities when it gets warm, but I am not sure how that will work. 

"What are you doing on Valentine's Day?" Ava asks while we are lying in bed. "Maybe I can get off work early."

"It is short notice, but I could arrange for a half day. You naughty girl."

"I don't know if I can swing it. I have to let you know Monday," she continued.

I didn't bother mentioning the audacity of her suggestion. I didn't hear from her Monday, so I am assuming she couldn't make it work, but her even considering it is outrageously inappropriate considering her situation.

Tidbits

Work has been so busy I haven't had time to post. I am writing this now at 6:30 pm. While I wait for a meeting to start.

Here is a little Ava tidbit. The last time I saw Ava, she indicated she was seeing Jordan Peterson with a male friend. Not a friend from the dating sites, but a friend (who I would guess she dated at some point). Ava only has male friends, and most of those are guys she has been intimate with. 

Anyway, she told me to keep Thursday open in case he backs out. Which wasn't a problem, I told her, though I said I was disappointed she didn't ask me, I would have enjoyed the show.

Monday, Ava told me she loved the show, but her boyfriend would be attending the next time. Apparently, she didn't even ask him. She just assumed he wouldn't want to go because he hates crowds and get anxious. I think it has more to do with the fact she was afraid she wouldn't enjoy it with him.

One day last week, I think it was Friday, a new girl I have seen came over. I am going to call her Joy. Joy is a petite 29-year-old single mother. She has long blond hair and a pretty face. Joy has pluses and minuses about her. She lives far away but doesn't mind the drive. She doesn't have much money and is struggling to pay her bills. I am not going to become a savior for her. I'm done with that.

Joy is talkative. I am not sure if it is because she spends her day around children or if she is just high-strung. I am taking things slow with her, but she is eager to hang out, even beyond what would be normally expected. That is a plus if she can get her personal life in order. Time will tell.

I am seeing Joy again on Sunday. Ava wants to come over Sunday, but I told her I already have plans. Ava indicated she was going to be busy between watching dogs and work most of the month, which is fine. It will give me a chance to get to know Joy.

Sunday

Saturday night, we received more snow. By Sunday afternoon, the roads were clear. I went to lunch with Sam on Saturday. We went to the Engine House in Mt. Clemens for a bowl of French onion soup. 

Ava texted me on Saturday, saying she was sick and probably wouldn't be able to come over Sunday. Ava said she would let me know either way. Sunday night, I was watching TV in bed when she called. I quickly jumped into the shower and picked up some agreed-upon carryout from Noodles & Co.

I meet Ava in the shopping mall parking lot around the corner from my house. Part of a new level of secrecy. She didn't want to drive to my house. Ava can explain being at a shopping mall. She is always shopping. Her boyfriend has caught her in lies and tightened the screws. Nothing stops her, though.

"He's paranoid because when we (her and the boyfriend) started seeing each other, I was seeing other people," Ava tells me.

He's paranoid because his gut tells him you are still seeing other guys, I think to myself, but don't say. Ava wouldn't see it that way. She toned her antics down for a few weeks, but it certainly didn't last. Ava just dismisses his feeling. It's pretty cold. When he was happy and didn't have a clue was one thing. Now, it seems like mental cruelty.

Sunday night, he was at home watching dogs while Ava was out. "I split the money with him," she says. The guy makes six figures. I doubt he wants to spend his Sunday night watching dogs while his girlfriend is out galivanting around town. 

Ava hops into the truck, and we head back to the condo to eat. She carries a bag of hair products with her. Things she bought earlier-- shampoos and such. Ava already has more than enough products in the spare bathroom. Still, she leaves the new ones behind. She is a shopaholic. I'm sure she has no room for more at home.

Ava uses her shopping addiction as one of the reasons she needs to keep seeing me. The reasons she continues to see me have more to do with entitlement and the thrill. I don't take any of them to heart. She is opportunistic. She makes for a horrible girlfriend but a good travel companion. It leaves me wondering how much of the former flows into the latter.

Though our time is short, she deals me, "this is the most fun I have had in weeks." Personally, I would have enjoyed a bit more time. Ava tells me she will be busy between work and dogs the last two weeks in February, but she wants to pull off an overnight or a weekend together soon. 

 Max has a new job. He will be working on a demolition crew making $20 an hour. That is not bad starting pay, but it will be hard work. He needs some routine in his life. I think he will be doing this while he tries to get into an electrical apprentice program.

Speaking of routine, I need to get back into mine. I have been stuck on a building in my Lego project. I need to either take it down or order more parts. I am going to decide this weekend. Both will probably be in order. 

We are supposed to get more snow this weekend. Hopefully, it doesn't interfere with Ava and me getting together. She has yet to confirm plans, but I am sure she will reach out one way or another. She is good about that.

This work week has been slow. My counterparts are all on holiday for the Chinese New Year. This means the next week or so will be busy with us catching up on projects. Then hopefully, I will have a lull until new programs start coming up.

Snowfall

 We received our first significant accumulation of snow yesterday, about five inches. I worked from home and watched the snow fall. We are getting more over the weekend, but nothing should interfere with a typical day.

This was the view from my balcony.

I received some snaps from Ava yesterday. She wants to get together this weekend. Plans are still formulating. 

Ava: I want to try to pull off an early dinner with you this Saturday or Sunday. I will know by  Friday.

Bathwater: Sounds good. I want to hear about your new job.

Ava: We can just do takeout because I can't stay long.

Bathwater: I would still enjoy seeing you.

Ava: Yeah, it would still be nice to chat, even if we only had time for Starbucks, I agree.

I am looking forward to seeing what will unfold on the weekend.

A Snapshot of January

It is hard to believe it is time to post a snapshot of January 2023, but here it goes. 

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  AJR and my 2022 Playlist on Amazon

Reading…  Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson, but I do not like it

Watching…  House, I have a lot in common with the main character.

Creating … Things are slow on the creative front....still.

Hoping… I find someone new to waste time with.

Buying… I have managed not to buy anything lately. Second month in a row!

Loving...  Chocolate chip cookies lately.

Planning… On preparing my taxes soon.

Missing… Ava's booty calls. It has been a while since I have seen her. I haven't heard from her for almost 3 weeks now. I am not sure I will anytime soon.

Feeling… Like isolating for the remainder of winter. We will see.

It Is What It Is

This post has been in draft for a few days. Work has been busy, and I have been lazy.

I worked in the office Friday afternoon after Ava and I parted. I texted Sam and asked if she wanted to go to dinner. I was making an effort to get out. I haven't been very social lately. Tinkerbell hasn't shown any interest in getting together for whatever reason, and though I have seen a few other friends over the last few weeks, I prefer sitting at home.

The weekend was no different. I went to dinner with Sam, but I couldn't wait to get home. I spent the rest of the weekend watching episodes of House and playing video games. I am not sure if this is a problem. I would deny I am depressed. I have had depressive episodes, and this doesn't feel the same. 

Sam invited me to a fundraiser at a hall next weekend. It would be a chance to meet some new people, but it sounds exhausting. I have not been good company lately. Which does point toward depression or maybe just winter.

It has been a while since I heard from Tinkerbell. She is distancing herself from me. She tends to do that with everyone in her life. She doesn't speak to her family. I can't blame her, though. After all, I tend to do the same thing. We are kindred souls.

I have stopped wondering what this year will hold for me. It is what it is. Ava's favorite saying. She'd be proud. 

Intimate Moment

I texted Ava Friday morning. "You are not sleeping in on me, are you?"

"He left for work late. It's complicated."

 We planned to meet at my condo early. I took a half day off, though I worked while I waited. Ava arrived quicker than I expected. It is a forty-minute drive from her home to mine. 

I head downstairs when she enters, grabbing her in a tight embrace and squeezing her butt with both hands. 

"I have to shower," she tells me after a long series of kisses.

I headed back to the loft to finish more work while Ava jumped in the shower. We met up beneath the covers. I showed off my new scars, and we discussed what was new. Ava is starting a full-time job this week. She will be an administrative assistant. The position will take most of her time, and she still plans on watching dogs on the weekend. Though it may afford some opportunities for us. The verdict is still out.

I tried not to exert my shoulder too much. I let Ava do half the work. She looks good on top. After, we drove around the corner for smoothies and continued our conversation. We discussed various days that might work out to get together this month. I think part of the reason Ava stayed away is she doesn't do good with weakness. She has no empathy and isn't the caregiving type. That's okay. I am not good at relying on others.

Wednesday

 Ava came over last night. It was the last time we would see each other this year. Her schedule is continuing to get more unpredictable. Ava indicated she is taking an administrative assistant position after the first. I think she is resigning herself to a more mundane life. Still, she was talking about getting away for a weekend in January. We will see.

Ava told me she has dogs sitting jobs booked over the holidays. She will watch dogs in her boyfriend's home over Christmas and New Year. In addition, she talked about booking two more dogs which would require her to visit a person's house three times a day for an hour. This would mean her boyfriend would be dragged into helping her.

When I indicated her boyfriend might find it less than ideal, she minimalized my claim and ended up changing the subject. I certainly would not want to be watching dogs over my holiday. Limiting my free time and taking away from any time they would spend together. I doubt she shares the proceeds from the jobs, but I am sure she would have a justification for that too.

After Ava left, I stayed up late into the night watching The Queen's Gambit on Netflix. There aren't many programs on right now that I am interested in watching. I have several old series on DVD. I might have to pull one of those out while I recover.

I cannot wait for the week to wind down and for the holidays to be over. I have my company's Christmas party this Saturday. I've debated skipping that. I want to get the brakes looked at on the Gladiator. They have been squeaking, though the truck should not need brakes yet.

I cannot wait for the seclusion of my upcoming vacation/recovery. I am not sure if that is a sign of depression or just me wanting to be alone. Maybe I am missing the point of the holiday season, but it just seems like a time of added stress. It has always felt that way to me.

Booty Call

 Ava texted me last night. I swear, sometimes I think she reads this blog. We arrange for a last-minute booty call. I am okay with those, though her sneaking around only allows a little time. Ava snacked on chips before we headed upstairs to watch an episode of Wednesday on Netflix on the bed. 

I had Ava sit in front of me, and I massaged her back while we watched the show. I've watched each of the episodes at least twice. I like it. Wednesday is full of great one-liners, and the girls who play the main characters are both excellent. Some of the timing in the episodes becomes questionable after a second watch, but not enough to be discouraging. I hope they can make this one continue for a few seasons.

As the episode ended. My hands moved around to cup Ava's firm breasts. She purred to the rhythm of my touch before excusing herself to brush her tooth. Ava returned and joined me beneath the covers. I rolled on top of her and chided her for just wanting a quicky. 

"I'm so glad you have an hour to spare for me." I jokingly reduced the time each time I took a break from exploring her torso to come back and kiss her.

Nothing compares to the comfort of being with someone familiar. I've grown fond of Ava's quirks. She is not the typical woman I meet. She is a peculiar mix of youth and maturity about her that I find appealing. Ava doesn't show any signs of going away. None of the red flags seems to be triggering her boyfriend. She just told me about another apparent incident that occurred. 

Though I should give Kat more time to become comfortable, I am not feeling the urge. I spent time talking with the other woman online whom I found interesting. Kat was the best of the bunch. They don't compare to what I have now. I will probably wait and try again after I start to recover.

Changing Plans

 I met up with Ava for dinner at Somerset Mall last night. She complained that she could not buy more than one $500 Visa gift card at a time at local drugstores and that the $500 cards were even hard to find. The problems of a person who works for cash. The fact she is out buying gift cards to make purchases for the holidays tells me she is making the most of the time her boyfriend is away. I have to deduce what she is up to with Ava by what she doesn't say.

We ate at California Pizza kitchen. While we were out at dinner, she sprung a change in her plans for Friday. Originally, we were going to meet up Friday and go to a strip club (her idea) then she was spending the night. Ava made a last-minute dinner date with a friend for her birthday. 

"But you already have plans," I reminded her. 

That was when a litany of excuses came out, but I wasn't accepting them. Ava said she didn't think I would mind, yet she didn't bother consulting me before changing things."I can see what it is like arguing with you," I told her. 

Ava commented that she sees me about once a week, and I reminded her that she is paid to be there. That was not altruism on her part. The mood at our table shifted. We ate in silence until she shifted the conversation to the meal. I replied with short remarks. This was not going to be an excusable offense.

We walked the mall after dinner, browsing some of the stores. I made a quick purchase at the Lego store while we were there. Our conversation was disjointed. I would be referring to one thing while she another. Some of my humor returned while we shopped, but distance remained between us. 

Ava offered to change her plans back. In the end, I told her she could do what she wanted, but in my mind, I was feeling consequences were in order. Ava was heading to the gym after, and she offered for me to join her, but I decided it wouldn't be worth it.

This morning, she text me to let me know she moved her dinner with her friend to Monday and that we were all set for Friday. It was a prudent move on her part. We will see what happens Friday.

Flags

 It has been snowing here all day, but we are not getting any accumulation. To the west of us and to the east, they are getting feet of snow. I live in a safety zone that is spared. I think it has something to do with the nearby lakes.

Ava stopped over last night. She seemed preoccupied. I accused her of shoehorning me into her scheduled. Which was correct. Ava didn't know what the term meant. I told her it was forcing something into a tight space. She sees it as going out of her way to ensure she spends time with me. There is no convincing her otherwise.

I can't be offended. That is just Ava. She doesn't sit still. Always racing from one thing to the next. "That's just life," she would say. I'm trying to ban that phrase from her vocabulary. Life is what we choose it to be.

Ava's latest argument with her boyfriend was over her phone. He bought her a new phone months ago and put her on his plan. She didn't want that. He wanted her to get a new phone number to cut ties with her "past." By past, he meant her sugar-baby relationships. Ava argued that she needed to keep her Google number because it was attached to her financial apps.

This week Ava ordered a new SIM card for her phone. She no longer wants to be on his phone plan, which started the argument. Ava stated after the argument with her best friend, J, she no longer wants to be beholden to any man.

Part of the problem is the SIM card will only work over wifi. I told Ava I was on her boyfriend's side. She needed a phone that worked all the time, but I wouldn't argue if she wanted to pay for her own plan. Despite his sheltered mindset, the boyfriend's red flag meter must be going off. Maybe Ava sees it too. 

Ava told me she bought him a $300 electric snow blower for the winter. It was an early holiday gift. She says her boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck. Mind you, he works in the same industry as me and makes good money. 

On a separate note. Am I the only one who thinks Elon Musk is destroying Twitter on purpose so he can send it into bankruptcy? He can eliminate debt and then rebuild it. I mean, he is an ass, so he may think everyone should work like dogs. He has made similar comments before at Tesla, but I don't think he is this stupid.