Morning Messages

Tuesday morning, I was driving to work. A familiar face popped up on my display screen while I was backing the Jeep into a parking spot. It was Billie sending me a text.

Billie: Hey, haven't talked to you in a long time..hope you are doing well.

Bathwater: I am doing okay. I was just thinking about you too. How are things with you?

Billie: I'm doing really good, you probably wouldn't believe it, but I'm pregnant, due in September, and off fent!

Bathwater: That's great! I am glad to hear it. I know that is what you've always wanted. I am happy for you. A September baby suits you. Are you having a boy or a girl?

Billie: Yes, I am excited. It is a big change for me. A girl. I have been able to build up my credit, help with getting a new roof, furnace, air conditioning, and cut trees down. It's a good feeling. How are you, though?

Bathwater: You will be an excellent mother, Billie. You have a good heart. I went on a few road trips in April. Went exploring caves in Tennesse and then Kentucky. I am making the best of things, but it's not been ideal.

Billie: That's good. I am glad you are getting out. What do you mean it hasn't been ideal? Have you been able to find someone?

Bathwater: I've found a series of temporary someones. They seem to fizzle out at the most inopportune times. Like summer :). I am not holding out much hope, but that's okay.

Billie: I wish you could find a person that genuinely cares for you. You deserve that...and it is not impossible.

Bathwater: I went to the psychic a few weeks back. She painted a bleaker picture of how you were doing. I am glad it is not so. But then, I will have to take any good things she said with a grain of salt. I think the problem is I don't want to care about anyone else, but I am truly happy for you.

Billie: Thank you! I really just wanted to fill you in on all the changes happening, they seemed so far away at one point, and now things are falling into place. I still have to deal with stress often, but that is the same for everyone I guess. I just really wish you would find the right person for you. I have a feeling you are still looking in the wrong places.

The conversation went on. At points, it sounded like the Charisma Exercise, which was good to hear. I am glad Billie is doing so well. So much for the psychic?

 

Memorial Weekend

 It is Memorial Day, and I am delaying going on a solo bike ride by writing this post. Saturday Alexis texted me asking if I would replace some items in her bathroom. She fell and took out the toilet seat, shower curtain rod, and tube spicket. She claims alcohol was not involved, but judging from the bruises all over her body and the destruction, I doubt that to be the case.

Her husband of convince bought the parts to replace the broken items but managed to get the wrong ones. It took three trips to Home Depot to get the right parts. Her hubby was in Frankenmuth with an ex-girlfriend. Alexis was out drinking with a male friend. I've stopped asking. I will probably do a whole post on people next week.

Sam and I went biking on Saturday. Her bike is old and not suited for her anymore. We made it halfway on our ride then she started to complain about her arms. I suggested we switch bikes. Mine is a comfort bike. What I told her she should be riding. It made the difference and we road for another five miles.

After, we met up with Jay and his wife for drinks and a light meal. Jay's wife works in finance. She was telling us how her company is pandering to the woke culture on the left. Everyone has a group and they are encouraged to participate. It can be detrimental to your career if you don't.

Unironically, there is not a group for old white guys. You would be scorned and laughed out of human resources to suggest such an idea because we have been privileged our entire lives and cannot possibly be faced with any issues. Obviously, we do not deal with cancer, aging parents, high rates of suicide, and labels. We are asked to understand others, who do understand us. 

I think there is a lack of understanding all around and we are all being sold a lie. I am going to take that bike ride.

Lessons Inked In Latin

Friday morning, I published my post and was reading other people's posts. John, at Going Gently was discussing turning sixty and what he has experienced over the years. #7 Actions, not words, is a phrase I have tattooed in Latin as part of the sleeve on my left arm, "acta non verba" along with several others that I would be wise to remember.

My sleeve and my back tattoo are a collage of life lessons displayed in cryptic images of cherubs and devils. The phrases (in Latin) include:

Remember to live.

I suffer, but I shall overcome.

What nourishes me, destroys me.

Don't waste your time saying that is not fair.

Actions, not words.

Pain for its own sake.

The title of this blog is also Latin. Felo de se was used to describe a person who took their own life. I have used the title for several years. There were times I believed that would be me one day. Today I prefer the translation, felon of oneself, or victim of oneself (victima de se). Placing the responsibility for what befalls me in life on myself rather than others.

My sleeve depicts a mixture of innocence, indifference, and pain while my back depicts controlling my demons.

I feel like it is time to add on.

Psychic Reading- Part V

 I saved this installment of the Psychic reading for today. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend 2011, I first met Billie. We have talked about Billie in the past. The Psychic could have looked back at her notes, but the Psychic sees hundreds of people a year. Does she keep notes on all of them? 

"I do like to ask about other people. My ex, her name is Billie. I just want to check in on her metaphysically. I don't check in with her much on the physical stream anymore. But there is a deep connection between us. I have always had trouble disconnecting. I'd just like to know how she is," I told the Psychic.

"Okay, you know what, I feel like she looks a lot older than she is. She's not the same person she used to be. Her face looks sunken in. I feel like she's on the thin side."

"She always has been," I say.

"Yeah, but you know what, see, sometimes I don't think she really eats, and I feel like she looks skinny and needs to put on a little weight. That's what I would say. I feel like there's a guy in her life, and he tries to take care of her. That I do."

"You know, like when somebody has an addiction problem-- like if somebody gave her painkillers. She would keep taking them. She likes the way they make her feel. When she's doing this. It relaxes her. When she's not doing that, I feel like she has a lot of anxiety-- a lot of anxiety. And she's like paranoid, you know, nervousness."

"I do see in the future you are going to, I don't know, reconnect with her or someone who knows her. Just saying something like, how is she doing? I do not see her living till she's old. She needs to be careful of someone hurting her. It's not the guy she's with. I don't know, sometimes I think she's not with good people. That's what I pick up with her. There's a female in her life, and I think it's somebody connected to family and also, it's someone that she's talking to more, and I think a while ago they weren't talking. So, developing a relationship there."

"I don't think she's been feeling well. So, just not feeling good. That's what I pick up with her."

"Should I reach out, or not reach out?" I ask.

"NO, because then you will have another one, another person. Like I said, she's got this guy that takes care of her. I really think she tries to stop it when you say addiction. I just feel like, I don't know, I don't think she can. She's getting older. She doesn't want her life to continue like this, and the problem is that she might go from one addiction to another one. You know, like pills. But she is thinking, well, this is better than what I used to do, and I think there's someone around her that drinks a lot."

"Like I said, she's okay."

I laugh nervously, "she doesn't sound like it."

"I know, but I see her being in a home. I see people stopping over. I feel like they all do the same thing. I do think she tells herself I shouldn't do this. She's very smart person, but it's taken hold of her. It's controlling her life, and I think things are starting to hit her more because I think she looks in the mirror and is like, who is that person. I don't think she did that before. And now, she's like, I better do something about this, or it will kill me."

"So, do I see her being this way for the rest of her life? I don't. I don't. I don't see that. I think she's so hard on herself that she wouldn't want to reach out to, let's say, family or people that she used to talk to before because Billie doesn't want them to see her like this, and she thinks they are not going to want her around anyway. What keeps happening is that she's in a circle, and all these people are just doing what she's doing. I think someone that comes around her has a child that comes around. But this other person is taking care of her."

The Pyschic's words make it sound like this guy is not taking care of her, but sometimes I wonder if I did any better. I would rather hear Billie getting married and thinking about having a baby than this.

Billie is a memory now. A lesson best not repeated. There are days I miss her, but those are fewer and further between. Perhaps the Psychic was correct when she said, "you are more accomplished in life than you thought you would be."

I hope everyone has a good holiday weekend.

Psychic Reading- Part IV

I have never mentioned Max to the Psychic before. So, we have never talked about him.

 "Any other questions?"

"My son Max, what do you see for him?" I ask.

"Alright, let's see. I think he gets indecisive. You know, and I think he's a people pleaser. What I mean by that is, let's say his mom said something like you are doing so good in school or a sport. Max is thinking, I really don't want to do this, but I think he'll keep doing it because it's making her happy, that's what I mean."

"I see him being more on the quiet side. If you ask him-- Are you doing okay, Max? He'd say—yes. Anything bothering you? Nope. I feel like he has always going to be that way."

"I see him being frustrated and confused. I think the two of you have a special bond. When I say, you go slow with him… it's like if you are with him and he is quiet, you don't bombard him with questions. I think you go at his pace. Sometimes, it is quiet when you are with him, but that is just how he is".

"There's a female around him. I don't know if it's the mother, but there's a female, and it's like I think he's very connected. I mean connected to where-- let's say if she was going on a trip, I think he might have anxiety. He'll always be close to her, and honestly, I think in a past life, I think he was her father in a past life. You know, because I don't always see her making smart choices. Do you know what I mean? I feel like when you put them together, he'd be the one making the right choice."

"He's not dating anyone," I tell her.

"No, I want to say it's a female like either mom, grandma, or someone in the family. I think there is karma there. Let me put it this way. Let's say, 10 years from now, if she makes a wrong decision, he will intervene and help. I am going to say it is not going to be good for him because sometimes she can be a train wreck. He will take on the role of rescuing her."

The only female in his life right now is his mother.

"I don't see him getting into a relationship anytime soon. He doesn't like a lot of change. He's like, if things are consistent, I'm good. That is just how he is."

"When he sees something that he wants to do, I think he does it. He has a lot of drive. He gets that from you. He just doesn't like talking about his feeling."

"When he does get into this relationship, not at the beginning, but I think he's going to talk more as time goes on. I see the woman a woman in his life getting him to open up and talk more. I do see him always being close to you."

I think it is fascinating how she describes Max. She is very correct. She doesn't point out health issues or any problems in his life. And honestly, he doesn't have any right now. 

Booty Call

I have two more posts concerning the Psychic drafted. I'll get them out before the upcoming holiday weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday I was scheduled to travel to the land of Farms, Cemeteries, and Dollar Stores (rural Michigan), for work but it was postponed. I messaged Ava and asked if she wanted to join me at yoga at 7:00 pm. Ava usually takes her mother to her doctor's appointments on Tuesday. So, it is a convenient time to slip away.

Ava said she didn't have time for yoga. She needed to be at her boyfriend's by 9:00 pm. She indicated she might have time for dinner or cuddling. I told her we could do dinner. I didn't want a rushed session in the bedroom and Ava is usually late.

Closer to dinner, Ava texted me and indicated her mother wanted to get dinner with her and canceled. We made plans for a sleepover the following Tuesday. I went to yoga, made dinner, and settled in for the night. I took a couple allergy pills to help with the fluid in my ear (with the warmer weather, my ear has been bothering me). 

It was after 10:30 when I realized I left my phone in the Jeep. I went down to the garage, recovered my phone, and noticed Ava had just sent me a message.

Ava: Hey

The simple message was uncharacteristic for her.

Bathwater:?

Ava: Would you like to get together tonight? My plans changed, but I need to know now.

Bathwater: Sure

Ava: Okay, all I have to do is shower. I'll keep you posted.

I was a bit groggy and out of sorts from the allergy pills, but I jumped into the shower. Ava usually sends me a text with a time to pick her up. Fifteen minutes after her last text, while I was putting on clothes, Ava rang the front doorbell. 

This was also uncharacteristic. If she was driving here, I figured she would give me a warning so I could open the garage door for her. I greeted her awkwardly, before recovering and pulling her in for a hug. 

"This is that late-night booty call I always asked you for," I joked.

Ava showered at the condo and joined me in bed. She steered the conversation away from her relationship and talked about the nightmare her current side hustle turned into over the weekend.

Ava spent the night. We stayed up late into the evening, before curling up beside each other and falling asleep. I woke early, leaving Ava tucked beneath the covers in one of my tee shirts. Sienna and I tip-toed around the house. Wednesdays, I still work from home. I answered emails and started this post before waking Ava at 9:00 am. 

Ava wanted to run up to TJ Max in the morning. Her weakness. She loves shopping and TJ Max is her favorite place. She thinks everything there is a bargain. Ava had her hands full at checkout. Most were things she didn't come in to purchase.

"Maybe you could feed your urge to shop and then just return items," I suggested.

"I have never returned anything. Everything I buy I end up using."

I find that hard to believe. I think Ava has a pile of goods labeled someday packed away in her parent's basement, but I didn't press the issue.

We returned to the condo and kissed quickly in the garage. Ava went off to complete her shopping and I returned to my computer.

Updates And Psychic Reading- Part III

My scheduled trip to Mackinaw will be either postponed or canceled. The original dates have turned into Tink and Tech taking T-Rex and his friends up to the island with other parents. It would not be the same as the original plan. I am disappointed. Tink said we adults would either go in September or head to Chicago instead.

Last weekend I went out with Sam Friday and Saturday night for dinner. Sam wanted to listen to my psychic reading. She agreed with me. The psychic was on point in her descriptions of the people I asked about.

Sunday, Sam wanted to go for a bike ride. It was overcast and had rained in the morning. The temperature was cool. Not ideal for bike riding, but I dragged myself away from watching season three of Deadwood, put the rack on the back of the Gladiator, and went to pick her up.

We took the bikes out for about an hour. Sam had worked a long week and had not gotten out on her bike as much as she would like, but the temperature continued to fall, and without the sun, we were through.

*     *     *

 The Psychic was a bit harder to understand when it came to dating. She was talking about Ava and me going on a trip when she sidetracked.

"You want to know what's interesting when you go on trips, you meet people. You talk to people. I don't know if this has happened yet. If it hasn't, it's going to happen. You are going on a trip, just talking to people, and then suddenly, here comes this one woman. It's like you two are talking, and you're going to be thinking, god, we get along so well that I feel like you're going to be attracted to someone."

You're going to be thinking she is probably with a boyfriend or husband, but I don't think she is. She might be with a group of friends. I don't see you like seeking it out. I just see you sitting there and being sociable. I want to say I don't see this person being from Michigan. So, that's one opportunity. I know it is somewhere warm because I can see you in short sleeves. I feel like you'd be staying where people go."

"Now, sometimes, when I talk, I pick up more. I don't know if this is such a thing, alright, but there's a place you're going to go to more frequently because you really like being there. Now, it's funny, like when you keep going somewhere, they start giving you perks and other things? I can see that happening. I sit here laughing. It's almost like getting discounts. When I say I know you go back, I can feel there's this one guy you talk with, but I think he works there. When I see him, I think he's kind of like black hair, and it's a little bit wavy, and I want to say probably like maybe no turn 5 foot 10, and I feel a little stocky, not heavy."

This feels like the past. She is talking about me going to the strip club and talking to the restroom attendant. He doesn't work there anymore.

"Like I said, it's like going back to the same place, and let's say if something happened a year from now and you're like, Oh my god, it's this place I keep going back to because I like being there. This is the thing I want you to remember, you're going to be going there again with a new lady."

I took Ava to the strip club.

"So if you start saying, oh keep going back here, because I think you like trying different stuff."

There was more that was disjointed. I am not sure if it was the past or future, but it sounds vaguely like a strip club.

"So, if you are drawn more to a specific place, I can see you taking a new lady."

"When I say talking to a new person, you don't like to feel fenced in. Part of you likes to go out, and the other part likes your private. It's about 50/50. So, with you with your private time, you are quieter, and you just want peace. Now when I say the other part of you like going out and doing things, it's like a club where people are at and everybody talking. I feel you meet a female, but it's not like where people are having dinner. It's a place where there are many people and people are talking, and then I just see you talking to somebody. Just talking and then numbers and then hanging out. So I could see that."

"So, if you said to me, Donna, when will it happen? I'm going to say sometime between mid-summer and the end of winter. So, it's not that far off. So, it's less than a year. When I say that, I know you'll meet someone else. I want to call that casual. You know? Because when I call that casual, it's the one I see mid-summer that's more serious. That's what I mean."

"The one around you now, she's still going to be around. You know what? I really feel this one around you now will get so frustrated because of this other guy."

"Any other questions?"

"All this other intrigue with relationships and women always seems to come. I never think it will, but it does," I tell her.

"So EVERBODY that is there, I feel like they are going to be pushed aside because there is someone new coming in. This person is going to be more stable, and you're going to be looking at this person more permanent, but you are just going to take it slow. I feel like she's got a job. She is stable. I feel like it's something that you want, but part of you thinks, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. Then you're like, what am I going to do about this one? What am I going to do about that one? That's what I see going on. So, I want to say, just hang in there."

Psychic Reading- Part II

What I find interesting about the Psychic is that fact, despite there being many ways to describe a person, she always nails them. She is never ambiguous. We will see that when she describes Firefly in this post and Max in an upcoming post.

"I have a friend, Firefly, whom we have talked about here in the past. She doing well. She has a lot on her plate. She is pregnant. She is going to be having a baby in August. Is she going to keep it all together?"

"Yes, but I think she is worried. "I wanna say like, she's worried she's stressed. She and the baby will be okay. I think she's worried about money. She needs to take things day by day and everything is going to work out. It's just-- okay, I got a feeling there’s a new guy in her life. I don't know if you want to tell her this, but I don't feel like these two are going to stay together."

"I won’t tell her that," I assure her.

"You know and I really feel that-- I don't know, I hope I’m wrong- but I don't… I just feel like she wants to be in love. She wants to have a marriage and a family. That's very important to her.  She would do anything and sacrifice anything just to have that.

This is an accurate way to describe Firefly.

I feel like sometimes-- I want to say he's all in it, you know, being there together. Then there are times I could see him--let's say going out and let's say spending money, coming home, and then she's thinking we needed that money to pay bills. So I feel like there's going to be a money issue here. You know she's looking forward, like I said, to the baby and being together and everything else but I just feel like as time goes on, I just feel him drifting a little bit more away."

"She's still going to try to hang on and then each time, I know when something doesn't go right, I think she's gonna talk to you more."

 "I don’t mind. I like checking in on her. She is one of my projects," I tell her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true it's a project. Just to see how she's doing. She's very strong, very protective over that baby. Great mother! You know, wonderful mother, but I think he gets absent-minded. I think he's really trying to work hard. I feel like both of them grew up in difficult families so that's why I think the two are put together.  She just needs to talk to him sometimes 'cause sometimes I think she doesn’t want to say anything. So, she needs to say things like we need to work on this together. Don't let it go too far to when they start arguing.  Just let her know that when the time is right she needs to sit down and say, let's talk. Because if not, people start getting irritated and resentful.  Then it gets out of hand, but by doing that they can make this work. Definitely, she is going to have another baby. Yep, there's gonna be another one."

 "Let’s hope she takes her time," I reply.

Psychic Reading- Part I

Friday, I went to see the Psychic. The good one. There is so much to unpack from the session it will take several posts. She emails you an audio copy of the session. I have transcribed the recording. It is eight pages long. I uttered approximately one word for every hundred she said during the reading. The reading is like a fluid stream of thoughts. You have to experience it to understand. 

The Psychic sat across from me at her kitchen table. She doodles on notepaper with a pen as she speaks. Sometimes it is just X's she draws. Other times a name or some other symbol will appear. She went through three sheets of paper during my reading.

*     *     *

"Now, let me hear you say your first name," She begins.

"Bathwater."

"Like I said, you stop me if you need to. You like-- I wanna say helping people. I wanna say, you attract people. You are good at guiding people. You know, leading people in the right direction, and I wanna say you are a part-time counselor. That's what I want to say here. I wanna say you've been that way your entire life. Going way back like, let's say when you're in school, I want to say you kept it to yourself. Like kids at school, let's say they were picked on and things like that, I think you would talk to them. You know what I mean? Like when everybody else or most people wouldn't, it was you."

"Now you are better because, in the past, you really want to be a perfectionist in things that you do. You know, like you're working on something, everything's got to fit. I feel like that's how your mind works. Let's say something is broken. If you can pick it up, you're holding it, and you figure it out in your mind. So I wanna say you are good working with your hands, but you've always been that way, and it's just I wanna say it's like a gift you got. It's a skill, and now when I say you're better at this than in the past. I think there was a part of you. I don't want to say worried about what other people thought, but I wanna say more insecure, and then I wanna say that's more connected to school, but you're very different than when you were in school. I wanna say this-- you are more accomplished in your life than I think you thought you would be because when you say, I am going to do this or that you do that."

"I feel like there's gonna be a short trip this summer. I do see that. I feel like it is going to be near water. When I say short, it reminds me of just getting away to get away. You are planning this with a female, and okay, now when I say this like the two of you, I don't feel it's scheduled yet. When I say a place, I think that she might have more-- okay, you know, like I think there's something about her that like something to do with paperwork, you know something isn't completed with this female."

"Is this a new female, or is it someone I am dating?"

"Someone that you are currently dating. No, let me stop you there and say this. I am going to put that trip off to the side for a moment. And, when said like, someone currently dating, okay, how would I say this? I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like she might be unpredictable."

Without me mentioning her name or describing Ava at all, unpredictable is the Psychic's word to describe Ava.

"You know, so when I said, Oh yeah, the trip, I paused because I don't know, honestly don't feel it's gonna be her because like let's say planning something and then let's say if you're getting near wherever you are going, she might actually back out. So, when I say that like being unpredictable, I feel like you know how she is by now. And you will be like, I knew it. You can just tell."

This next part is a bit convoluted, but I am leaving it in because of some critical points.

"I got a feeling that I'm trying to say-- like somebody from her past is talking to her, or something like that. It reminds me of like talking to somebody. I am trying to be specific when I say that because I don't feel like she spoke with this person a lot lately, but I feel like her talking to this somebody. It's not like she wants to get into a relationship with somebody else. It's nothing like that. It's she feels like she's stuck, you know? Like I'm not going anywhere. So when I say I see you're like going out more, be careful because I think there will be miscommunication between the two of you. I think it might be her, but she's not leaving your life."

"And by the way, I wanna say this one. IF EVER, like let's say she says I don't want to be with you anymore, she will be back. But with you, honestly, how I feel it will play out down the road is that you're going to meet somebody new. Just talking and getting to know somebody--going out a little bit here and there, and then I see you having more feelings for this new girl, Then this one that's around you will feel guilty about. Like I am talking to her, but I like this new girl. I got the feeling you will eventually cut the cord with the one that is currently with you. I just feel like there's such a history with the two of you. You've known her for quite a while."

I tell her, "I can expound if you like."

"Okay, yes."

"I have been hanging out with a girl named Ava. It's been very casual, but she is hitching her horse to someone else, but she doesn't want to break things off with me either. So, there is that complication which I'm fine with, but her availability is questionable, which leads to what you are saying. So I don't know if this is a short-term infatuation with her like you are saying, but we do have a good time when we go on trips. We went on two trips last month," I tell the Psychic.

"Okay, this has happened since the last trip. How would I say this? I wanna say she is little unstable. And see-- I got a feeling-- you know more what's going on, and I don't feel like that other guy really does. What I am going to say will sound ridiculous. I don't feel she's really into this guy."

"Normally, I would think, yeah, you know she will be with him, but I don't feel like it, and he's controlling. So when I say she needs to watch it a little bit because he will check on her, like drive by where she is at. God forbid he sends her a text, and she doesn't answer. Text, call, text, call that is what's going to happen, but that is what chases her away, but I don't see him going away soon. So you figure we are in May, I think they've been having some issues going on. Turning this guy a little bit. But, he came into her life (fast). Like he just jumped into a relationship with her."

"Right!" I agreed.

"You know, and it's like, I think she just doesn't like the closed in feeling. And by the way, speaking about closed in feeling, she is the type of person that someone comes into her life and, let's say they're starting to smother her, she's never stuck around. She can't do it, and I believe she said that this guy quite a few times, you know, like back off, back off, and he don't get it."

Ava has said precisely the same thing. She has only ever had a series of short-term relationships, and she has already tried breaking up with this guy.

"Okay, she will be with you, and I've got a feeling he's going to try to contact her, but  I can tell then she gets angry about it, you know, but he doesn't listen. So they will have their own drama. I do not see her breaking it off anytime soon. I just think sometimes she's going to be thinking, 'Well, maybe it's going to stop being like this.' But that it's not going to happen. Now he's gonna talk to her about going on a trip. So, I see him taking her on a trip, and then you're going on another trip with her, so that's going to be before August. No, before September, that's right, it's gonna be this short trip, it's gonna be near water."

At this point, she switches gear and starts talking about two different women I will be meeting and a place I will begin frequenting. I am leaving that for another post. The Psychics just goes with what she sees, and it isn't always linear. Though she did mention the trips twice.

Later on, she continued.

"The one around you now, she's still going to be around. You know what, I really feel this one around you now, she's gonna get so frustrated because this other guy-- I wanna say if she says, 'I'm gonna go get my nails done.' He would say, 'I'll pay for it,' you know, and maybe say 'I'll come and get a pedicure done,' so he’d be there. So, what I think some times she will not tell him stuff. He does this overly much. That's why I don't feel a person really stays with him." 

Then later still.

"You know that female that you're going out with? She has an intuitive side because maybe she will say, 'Were you thinking about going on a trip?' and you'd be like, 'yeah.' I just feel like she can get in tune with her feelings with you. So I want to say that there is some connection between the two of you that keeps pulling you together. You know, and not pulling apart. She sees that sweet side of you. She laughs with you. She can be a kid at heart. So can you. And you know, when you think about it, you don't see people like that anymore, so it makes her happy. Also, I said the two of you will stay together, but anyone that is going to end it is going to be you.

"Okay, now, as I am going on, any questions?

"You nailed Ava to the T. 'She's with him not because of who he is but what he does for her. She's already tried breaking up with him once before, and he would not allow it," I tell her.

"I think he's gonna be trouble for her."

"I think she's going to have drama with this guy and I think sometimes she is going to talk to you about it. So I want to say be prepared because when she's doing this, I just feel she is going to frustrate you because it's almost like "do you care that you wanna be with me or now am I just your friend." Then you are being the guidance counselor again. I feel like she's going on a trip with him, and then I feel like some time by the 4th of July I think it's six weeks, you will be on a trip. It's like she goes on one trip and then goes on another. Like I said, back and forth, but not trying to compare the two of you, but I feel like you're the fun one.

 And like I said I think with this guy, for example, he'll say, 'you wanna new phone, here I'll get you a new phone,'' but sadly, I think he feels like he owns her."

Sometimes the Psychic will soften her words, but she never tells you what you want to hear. When Billie left, the Psychic flat out said she was not coming back. Another time I asked if she saw me dating anyone she said no. There are many ways to describe a person, but I have never seen her get someone I've asked about wrong.   I also asked about work, Firefly, and Max. She had more to say, but I will split those into different posts.

Photos

Tuesday 5-17-2022 

I picked up Ava at 7:30 pm, and we went to a local park with lovely landscaping so she could take new profile pictures for me. She managed to take a couple good shots. The camera and I are not friends.

Ava canceled her phone plan. She can only communicate over wifi which is absolutely crazy. Especially when you consider she has someone willing to pay for it. Ava only received half my text concerning the pallets.

After, I asked her if she wanted to return to the condo, and she agreed. "I'll have to shower first. I haven't shaved in a couple days." 

Ava was distracted by her phone, keeping up appearances with her boyfriend and fielding inquiries from her latest side hustle. I loaded the pallets into the back of the Gladiator while she showered. We met together in bed, where her distractions were temporarily forgotten.

We spooned together after. Ava continued her texting while I laid behind her stroking her breast. It isn't ideal, but for now, getting together is not something either of us wants to quit. We each have our own reasons. 

A Few Changes

On my first blog, I took the time to create several headers, and I would rotate them. I was creative back then. Blogging has always given me a sense of satisfaction. I have always struggled to stay anonymous while honestly writing about myself and my cast of characters. I didn't do an excellent job at anonymity this time because, for a while, I didn't care. 

A Few of My Old Header

Out of caution and consideration, I have tightened things up here. I know once you put something on the internet, it is always on the internet, but for now, I think it is enough to make it hard for people to connect with things will be enough.

Paddling

Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm alive
Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm climbing in the trees...Record Player, Daisy the Great and ARJ

This morning, I drove to work. I didn't realize I was more than a half-hour early until I pulled into the empty parking lot. To say I am distracted would be an understatement. I have been thinking about the future. The things I've read and seen paint a bleak picture. I've started reading The Menu: Life Without The Opposite Sex by Aaron Clarey. The beginning reinforces what I already know. I am hoping the end provides some appealing paths.

I have always felt stuck between generations. I was born the last year of the baby boomers, but I don't fit into that crowd in many ways. My friends like Jay, who does fit, don't seem to have a better direction, just more financial security while they sit around watching Netflix and checking the market.

This malaise has been an undercurrent of many posts lately. Today I am left finding it hard to move forward because I don't have a direction. I am in the boat I've created, paddling against the stream. I don't have the strength to paddle forward or the courage to turn and navigate the rapids behind me. Today a reason to give up my efforts and allow the boat to hit the rocks is appealing.

Airport

Friday, I checked Sam's flight arrival status before leaving for the airport. Her plane was scheduled to land at 10:20 pm. By the time I made it to the arrivals area, it had been delayed fifty minutes. The Detroit Metro airport arrival zone was busy. I guess it is not unusual for a Friday night. I left the airport and parked at a gas station not far away.

I made my way back to pick up Sam at the new arrival time. She arrived safely, and we headed home. Sam drove from Detroit to St. Paul with her stepson. She drove his car, and he drove a U-haul truck.  He is staying in St. Paul for two months as a summer intern. Sam was exhausted from the trip.  She regaled me with stories from the trip, including a torrential storm and the stepson's girlfriend's support bird. It was a hilarious tale, but I could not begin to do it justice here.

Saturday, the twins came over and spent the night. It was the first time both spent the night simultaneously in a long while. We took a walk through the nearby neighborhoods, and I made dinner.  It was a good visit.

Sunday, while I was driving the twins to their mom's house. I saw pallets being offered for free along the road. I texted Ava.  She has this strange idea that she can use pallets to create a seating area in the backyard of the new boyfriend's house. When she told me of her plans, I asked, "Is he handy?"

"He's Jewish. He'd rather pay someone else to do things," Ava replied.

Bathwater: I saw a couple stacks of pallets when I was out driving this morning. Are you still looking for some?

Ava: If they look good, yes. Just 9 max, but even 2-4 is a good start.

Bathwater: If I pick them up, I don't want to get stuck with them. 

Ava: No, you won't get stuck with them.

I picked up four and set them in the garage for Ava. I am not sure how she plans on getting them to the house.

Later I washed the truck, but it turned out to be a useless endeavor. Sam called me later and wanted to get something to eat. We picked a restaurant on Lake St. Clair. It started raining while we were eating, and it rained again Monday morning on the way to work.

So far, the dating apps are devoid of any exciting prospects. So far, I've only chatted with a scam artist, a depressed mother of three, and two sixty-year-old women whose interests are tennis and golf.

If Ava decides it isn't worth trying to maintain a connection, I fear it will be a dry Summer for me, but perhaps I am just being pessimistic. Ava and I are supposed to get together Tuesday, but I haven't pestered her about it. I'm sure she will reach out one way or the other, and then there are also these pallets.

Losing

 I have been losing too much weight lately. I have been tracking my weight on my phone since April of 2018. Wednesday marked an all-time low. I lost sixteen pounds the summer I was going through my break-up with Billie. I am six pounds lighter than that now. At this point, I think everyone would say I have lost too much. Still, I'd rather be too skinny than too large.

I don't think it is health-related. It may be stress or depression-related, but those tend to be temporary. I have changed my diet. I've added more fruits and vegetables into my lunches. That is the influence Ava has left on me.

It was a mild 71 degrees outside Wednesday. I took a walk outside at lunchtime. When Billie and I were together, she would be too tired from a long day of work to go outsides, which seemed okay. These last few years, it's felt like every day I spend inside during the summer, I am missing out on something.

I need to make plans for the weekend. Tink and family will be in DC. Sam is helping her stepson move to Wisconsin for a summer internship this week, but I pick her up from the airport Friday night. Maybe she will go biking, or I can get the twins out for a walk. I see my friend Jay and his wife Friday for dinner, but he usually has plans for the weekend. He likes to play golf. I never took to the sport. I never had the patience or desire to improve past my limited ability.

I have put myself out on dating apps, Tinder, Bumble, and SA. It was something I did instinctively before Ava made her announcement, but those usually take a month or two before they pan out if at all. Ava has promised to help me update my photos which will probably help. I don't usually put much effort into photos, and she is a perfectionist. 

I booked another reading with the psychic for next week. I know most of you don't believe in psychics, but this one has always been insightful and it is a fun distraction. I still want to get to Hawaii. If I get that chance, I am going to take it.

My Thoughts

 I don't blame Ava for making the decision she did. She is getting everything she wants right now. Well, almost everything. The fact she admits to wanting to change him and that she wants to continue seeing me despite the fact it would jeopardize the relationship suggests some things are missing.

Ava has a strong personality and can positively influence a person. She changed some of my habits just through her presence, but this new boyfriend was complacent before meeting Ava. He was overweight and didn't take care of himself or his home. Relationships tend to make a person complacent, though, and like I told her, he probably thinks he won the prize, and the race is over. It's not.

I've come to understand female nature better in the last two years by reading and analyzing past relationships and the women around me. Ava is a textbook example. I am not saying she is a bad person. On the contrary, I like Ava. She is a lot of fun to be around. Without feeling I've been taken advantage of, I've taken away some valuable lessons from her and had great experiences. I'm sad to see it ending so soon.

I wish I learned these things earlier in life, but back then the information was not as readily available. It is a shame most of our knowledge comes through living experiences. I envy those who learn things at a young.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes...When You Were Young, The Killers

Instinct Over Triggers

I'm in the simulator, I'm doin' a-okay
But every day is just rewind and replay
Not today (ah)
I'll head out to Monterey
Throw my phone into the waves
Can you see it in my eyes? Am I finally awake?

I left work yesterday and headed straight to pick up Ava. She wanted to get a light dinner before yoga. When she got into the truck, I could tell she was apprehensive. As we headed to the nearby restaurant, I asked her what had been going on with her. Ava started describing her week, but she wasn't making much sense.

"You are talking in euphemisms," I said. "Just tell me what's going on."

My instincts were correct. The guy she has been casually seeing wanted one thing for his birthday last week.  He wanted her to be his girlfriend. Despite her trying to say no and holding him off, in the end, she said yes. He had deduced how she made the bulk of her money, and she told him she had an incurable venereal disease (the reason she was sick last weekend and something I just learned). Neither mattered to him. 

He is madly in love with her. Blindly in love with her. He wants her to move in with him and has added her to his credit cards so she doesn't have to work and can concentrate on school. He made him an offer she couldn't refuse, but she doesn't love him for who he is. She loves him for what he does for her. His whole life has been about pleasing her since the day they met.

It seems he didn't have much of a life before they met. In his mid-thirties, with little experience and only two prior girlfriends in his life. It is a situation I understand well.

We continued our conversation over sushi. Ava is willing to cut ties with anyone else, but she still wants to continue seeing me. I pointed out that would be problematic at best. It is not the attitude one enters into a serious relationship. I don't see any difference in the relationship with this new boyfriend than in the one she was contemplating getting into with the rich guy. Both are opportunistic and not based on desire. Still, she wants to get together next Tuesday and is talking about times in the future when she can get away. I told her I would not say no, but that I would be looking for someone else, and she was okay with that. She even offered to help me spruce up my profile with new pictures and to be a future reference. I assured her that once a girl meets me, I usually do alright.

After dinner, we headed back to the condo so I could change before yoga. She gave me a long tight hug in the kitchen, and we kissed. I told her I wasn't surprised. Boyfriends always ruin arrangements like ours, but I was disappointed. Summer is here, and no matter how many times she slipped away, it wouldn't be the same.

We went to yoga, and in the car, she mentioned he was already talking about marriage. Something she is even more reluctant to consider. 

"Marriage? He doesn't even know you," I said, and she agreed. She thinks marriage is an archaic concept.

"No matter how rich or poor you are, for most people, marriage is the biggest financial decision you will ever make."

"Wait, I have to write this down," she replies.

We returned to the condo after yoga. We sat on the couch. Ava rested her head on my lap, facing me. I stroked her arms and waist as we continued talking. "He thinks he is winning the prize at the end of the race," I told her. Maybe he is, but my experience says no. Ava is part of a generation of women that thinks there is always something better around the corner. 

I did most of the talking. I told Ava he has a oneits. Now that he has found her, it doesn't matter how many red flags she raises, he will come to think that she is the only one for him. "How can I change him?" She asks me.

"You can't. Everything you are doing is just reinforcing his beliefs. He thinks that not working on himself and doing everything for you is the way to your heart, but you don't want to be with him for who he is. You are with him for what he does for you. You will come to resent that."

She struggled with my words, but they left her contemplative, and I sensed I had said enough. Ava gave me another long hug, and we kissed before we packed up for the ride back. "I've always treated each time I've seen you as if it could be our last," I tell her. Yet we still have plans to get together next Tuesday. "We are still friends, Ava."

That pleased her. I seem to have a knack for acquiring past lovers as friends lately. Still, each time one of these relationships ends, a little piece of me dies inside-- and summer is here.

Da-da-da-da-da
Crack a smile, crack a smile (da-da-da-da-da)
Stay a while, stay a while (da-da-da-da-da)
I think the best is yet to come
So drink up, and good luck

I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue. It came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees...Record Player, Daisy The Great, and AJR

Triggered

Recent events have been triggering my anxiety. I think it is anxiety, though I don't consider myself an anxious person. I described it as restlessness at first. Today, I have been thinking about the root cause, not the triggers. Summer is here, and I want to enjoy the season. That hasn't happened in the last two years. Relationships fizzled. So when Ava canceled getting together twice last week. Once without much of an explanation, the other due to being sick. That was a trigger.

It is a combination of past experiences and my insecure attachment style. My mind could be creating problems that don't exist, but I am hyper-alert and cannot turn that off. It is a learned survival mood learned from childhood. I cannot fathom how people who aren't function. It would be like an alien mindset.

These are all things that make me who I am. Either you understand them, or you don't. Tinkerbell understands them. She called me Monday from her new car on her drive home. Tink knew something was off with me on Sunday. I discussed the latest concerning Ava with Sam Monday night. The last thing she said to me was, "if you need to talk, call me." That is because Sam understands who I am too.

I never sat down and described myself this way to them, but they know. They understand me. I don't feel like Ava gets me. Partly because she doesn't see that person in me and somewhat because she doesn't look deeply. Once, she said, "I don't share my problems with others because I don't have the room to take on theirs."

Weekend

Saturday, Tink and Tech came over to show off the new car. They dropped T-Rex off at his girlfriend's first. T-rex's girlfriend is moving to Texas, so this will be the last time he sees her. Tink is happy about that. She doesn't feel like the girl is a good influence. 

Tink's new car is a gold color-- a light, burnt orange, metallic. I am happy for her. She has needed a new car for a while. We planned to take a ride up along the lake to Algonac. Tink offered to allow me to drive the new car, but I was moody. Just before they arrived, I got a text from Ava. She was sick and would not be able to hang out Saturday night and Sunday as planned.

Tech did the driving, and I sat in the passenger seat. The sun was out, and temperatures were in the high fifties. We parked the car and took a walk along the boardwalk in Algonac. The small city sits on the bank of the St. Clair river. It was windy near the water but not unpleasant. We walked over three miles, and on the way back, Tink and Tech stopped at a fair to buy flowers for Mother's Day.

Sunday, I ran around all the local stores looking for a lighter blanket for summer. I wanted red or black, but I settled for a beige quilted blanket after exhausting all my options.

Found

I was looking through old posts this morning. I want to do a blog post on Peter Pan syndrome. Instead, I got lost in the past. I found these two entries. Due to editing down the number of entries neither made it into my book. I still think I was a better writer back then. I miss the larger audience I used to have. Back then, I would get a dozen or more comments from my largely female audience on every post.

The Date 
Originally Posted, Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The date was a lunch date. I do not know why I always allow myself to be roped into first meetings involving meals. I should know better by now. It should always be coffee or drinks. Because at the end of the story, no one will be saying, "Well, at least you got a free meal out of it." 

I was dressed in my new work clothes, a bright blue button-down shirt, and dark blue pants. I even pulled out a pair of dress shoes. They are a little dated (squared toe), but I don't think she would have known. I felt I looked good. We arrived simultaneously and were immediately seated in the non-smoking section. She had shoulder-length hair, perhaps to shades above bleach blond, and was desperate for a hot oil treatment. Maybe she dyed her own hair and not just the roots when the gray became prevalent, whatever the reason something was taking a toll. The ends needed product. She ordered fish, and she has a thing for seafood. 

I would have guessed her late husband had died of cholesterol issues, not a car crash. I ordered the chicken Parmesan sandwich-- damn the cholesterol. I felt rushed with the meal. She finished quickly, though I asked the questions and allowed her to talk. We talked about our children, cellphones, and concerts (believe it or not), but there was no chemistry. We started talking about work, and she made a face and said she was happy being a stay-at-home mom. I couldn't help wondering who's hard work and death had given her that luxury.

She was religious, went to bible study groups, wine tastings, and went to concerts in limos. I am agnostic, hang out with strippers, and still abuse the occasion prescription drug (yes, most of those habits I could easily clean up). I was not what she was looking for. Which actually was a relief because I already knew this. I allowed her to link to me on Facebook. She was proud of her technological accomplishments over the last few months, like texting and Facebook. Once she viewed my tattoos and my friends, I figured that that would put any interest to bed. If I am 45 and she is a year younger than me, I'd say she would be more comfortable with a guy around 50 with a six-figure income.

*     *     *

Wendy's Tattoo
Originally Posted, Monday, March 29, 2010

Now that you think I am harshly judgmental and wouldn't want to go on a date with me either, I will continue with the rest of Thursday evening.

In every good Peter Pan story where there is a Tinkerbell, there is a Wendy. My Wendy lives an hour to the west of my major Midwestern City, so our visits are few and far between. Wendy and Tinkerbell (no I have not been talking to Tink) are like oil and water though they have never met.

After the date, I had already made plans to see Wendy later that evening. Wendy rents a basement room from her aunt. When I got there she was sleeping, which seems to be her usual condition when every I arrive.

The room was freezing cold. "Get in here and cuddle with me," she orders holding open the comforter, "I've still got six minutes before we have to leave for the bank."

I take off my shoes and oblige. I lie on my back and she snuggles in half on top of me. "What are we doing tonight?" I ask.

She explains her unexpected windfall for choreographing the local high school girl's flag guard and then announces her intention to get another tattoo.

"Sounds like a great idea!" I had been seeing her posting different tattoo ideas on her Facebook for the last couple of days.

She pushed out of bed exactly at the six-minute mark and we drive off to the bank. Her tattoo artist's shop is locked in the center of College Town. We had to park and set out on foot. I expected a night of drinking and playing pool so did not dress for a stroll in the 30-degree weather that decided to return for the evening. We were shivering by the time we entered her preferred artist's studio.

She showed him the pieces she wanted, disappointingly but not surprisingly he was booked for the rest of the night. She makes an appointment to get a tribal-style lion on her right hip for next Wednesday. We headed back out into the cold. Wendy pulled me into a Mexican restaurant around the corner where we eat while she culls her phone for referrals to other artists. She is determined to get something done tonight.

I described my date from earlier that afternoon to her. "See, you always do this," she rebukes me, "you go out a few times, say see I tried, then you end up back with strippers and floozys."

I haven't mentioned Rose to her yet. "So maybe I just like to know when I'm being fleeced."

She doesn't have an answer for me. She knows it would take someone in between to relate to me. When we get back to the car, I hand her the keys, not because I have been drinking but no matter how many times I come to College town and its cluster of nearby cities I refuse to learn my way around. It saves her from having to tell me which way to turn every two minutes. No matter which way she takes us it always seems like we are driving in circles to me.

Ironically the next tattoo parlor is next to a local strip club (no we didn't stop in). Wendy wanted to get a small moon and stars on her left arm to balance out the moon on her right arm. Don't ask, she is OCD that way. There was an artist ready and willing to do the work. While he drew up the piece, which was no bigger than a quarter Wendy and I argue over the quality of the tattoos in the various artist's portfolios.

Wendy's New Tattoo

She didn't flinch and it took all of fifteen minutes. After we went around the corner to have a few beers in celebration. The whole adventure has me excited to add to the tattoo I have on my left arm. I have to find my original sketches and figure out something.

NPC

Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow.
To find it.
To find it...Plush, Stone Temple Pilots

Lately, I feel like I have been waiting for tomorrow. The cool temperatures have not helped, but in typical Michigan fashion, it is going from the 60s this week to the 80s next week. Perhaps then I will feel more motivated.

Ava canceled last minute on yoga yesterday. She didn't go into detail except to say we were still getting together Saturday. 

Everything is running on autopilot here. I don't have much going on or much to report. That makes me restless. I almost feel better when there is some drama going on. I feel like an NPC, just moving in the background.

General Updates

Firefly and her boyfriend moved into their own apartment over the weekend. I was on standby to help but wasn't needed. She is working and is still keeping herself busy. Good for her.

Tinkerbell leased a new car-- a Ford EcoSport. It was about time because her Kia was on its last leg. She is happy with the car, but not with the car payment.  I didn't tell her a car payment never goes away when you lease, but I don't think she wants to stretch her budget to buy a car.

Max's car is in the shop--again. We took it to the dealership after a local repair shop failed to fix the issue during three attempts. I think we may have to dump that thing and find something else.

As for myself, I have nothing to report. My weekend was uneventful. Twin A and I went to lunch Saturday, but mostly I spent my time alone. The weather was warm enough Sunday for me to do some walking.

Ava and I are going to yoga Tuesday, and she will be spending the night Saturday. Tink and Tech are coming out to my side of town Saturday too. I'm not sure what they want to do other than show off her new car. I am hoping for a short week and an exciting weekend.