How the Universe Works

I’d been searching for the cover photo I used on the original version of my memoir. I wanted to use it again, if possible—but it was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t in any of my saved files. Not in my online photo backups. I was starting to fear it was gone for good.

But tonight, as I was pulling my backpack out of the backseat, I noticed a zip drive on the floor. My car is brand new. The interior is spotless. The zip drive just sat there—completely out of place. I checked my bag. All the pockets were closed.

How did it get there?

I plugged it into my computer. On it were several old files—including all the work I’d done on the original draft… and the photo.

This is how the universe works.

Just A Little Bit

 

There are moments when 

When I know it and
The world revolves around us
And we're keeping it
Keep it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all knowing

Sing like you think no one's listening
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would...Existentialism On Prom Night, Straylight Run

You can listen to experts, facts, and opinions. You can look at both sides of the conversation, but there comes a time when you need to decide what works for you. I don’t think any one person is totally correct. When it comes to how to live. I listen to several ideas then formulate my own philosophy. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to question and modify it.

Lately, bitterness and anger over the past have been an issue. Jordan Peterson says if you have memories older than a few years, it is because you haven’t learned from them. I believe there is some truth to this. Writing my memoir allowed me to close the door on much of that period of my life. I haven’t come to resolved how it ended—not yet.

Speaking of unresolved issues, Firefly does not show up on the jail website and being an inmate anymore. However, she did not reach out to her parents or me from the rehab for clothes. That isn’t a good sign. I will not speculate yet.

What Would You Do?

Tinkerbell: Breakups are rarely because someone doesn't love that person anymore, but I would hate to see you make yourself miserable and delay the healing process hoping that she comes back.

Me: I don't hope she comes back, but it is like losing two people.  You lose the lover and the friend.

I feel like life is downing me like I am trying to keep my head above some invisible wave.  I am reaching out to self-help videos, yoga, books, and people like life supports.  When I sit back and look around, life has not changed.  I have the same job and the same friends.  Only one person is gone from my life, which makes things easier, not harder.

I miss Billie, I tell myself, but that is not exactly true.  I miss her presence when I come home, but I can hang out with friends.  I miss her soft skin and cuddling up next to her, but I can find that with Rose or another girl.

The real problem is I feel alone and exposed.  Exposed!  Billie was my little security blanket, and I could curl up with her and hide from the world in a comfortable cocoon of stagnation.  I am exposed to new experiences like yoga and unknown people, and they are all pushing against my issues, and it frightens me.  It is this fear I need to release.  This is what they mean when they say let go and live life.  What would you do if you were not afraid?  

Untethered Soul

I have been learning.  Grief is the best motivator to learning about yourself.  I have read a few books recently.  "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment...", "The Untethered Soul", and "Running on Empty".  I recommend all three.  None of them have all the answers but they are giving me incite into who I am.

I am working toward becoming more mindful.  I still have more to learn.  I want to release myself from my fears and move beyond grief and pain.  The Untethered Soul has opened my eyes to a new way of thinking about things.  It short on how to achieve some of the things it teaches but it gives me a starting point.

Billy did not respond to my email yet.  I hope she does not see it.  I am in a better place today and would not have sent it.  One thing that has come to me as I have grown older, life is about learning.