Nuggets

Last Friday, I went to see the psychic. It could have been a better reading. She did come up with a few good nuggets, though. She did see me seeing Gia again. She described Gia perfectly. The Psychic said Gia liked to be in control, she was focused on money, and I would show her she could still have fun. When I ask the psychic about different people, I never give her any of my opinions, only the names. She always comes back with wildly different descriptions that only match that person. For example, what she said about Billie or Ava would never apply to Gia.

She didn't see anything developing with Gia. Just more of the same. I am okay with that. The Psychic did describe someone else being around me. Someone I currently know, but I still need to take the time to figure it out. She said this year will not be my year with a travel partner. She sees that in 2025. Oh well.

Thursday night, I received a message through TikTok from a different dancer I often talk to from the club. I did not plan on returning to the club until Gia returned in April, but since this girl reached out, I made the trip on Saturday. 

A lot of girls were working, but none really interested me. The one I went to see was there. She is fun to talk with. I planned to take her to the back and spend some time with her, but she disappeared. Not with a customer in the back. I think she just left. Either way, the night was disappointing, and I don't plan to return anytime soon. 

This week is Chinese New Year, the year of the dragon. My colleagues in China are all on vacation, so work has slowed down for the week. 

The highlight of my days is my brief text exchanges with Gia. I reach out a few times a week, and we usually banter back and forth a bit when she replies. Distance is a hard thing to overcome, though. 

The Psychic

 Sam and I went for pizza Friday night. After, we sat in the Gladiator and listened to my psychic reading. We both agreed the psychic wasn't wrong, but it wasn't an exciting reading. Here are the highs and lows.

She said Ava would reappear sometime in the spring, but we are toward the end of our relationship. She described Ava and her situation accurately and suggested her departure was not planned, but out of necessity. The psychic mentioned several women but described Ava exactly (goes back to my remote viewing theory).

She warned me a woman from the past coming around asking for money. This could be Firefly, though I didn't ask if it was her by name. I probably should have.  

She said you have more female friends than male friends. She suggested although there will be women around 2023 was going to be a dry year in the dating market. She indicated I am going to start wondering if there is something wrong with me, but not to get caught up in that negative energy. 

She did not mention Sam by name but described her and I doing things this summer. Sam agreed it was her. The psychic described the woman as like a placeholder until I get into a real relationship. a real relationship will happen in 2024. Let's hope it doesn't take that long. Sam says the psychic's timing is usually of. 

I didn't ask about specific people this time. I wanted her to focus on me. She described me doing a lot of soul-searching this year and wrapping up old relationships. She does see me in a long-term relationship. Something, I don't really see. 

Healthwise, no issues. Although she likes to mention my stomach. I think she picks up those issues from the past. 

As far as work goes, I am a valuable employee they will not get rid of because they can give me a job that gets done without needing supervision. She did see a shift in responsibilities coming in the spring. This could be true. Shit is hitting the fan at work. I received two calls from my boss Saturday concerning emergencies and he never calls me.

Filler

In two days, I am going back to the psychic. It has been about ten months since my last reading. Looking back, she didn't do too bad. It is more fun than seeing a therapist; you don't have to go as often. It is not an exact science, but I do believe she sees something. Perhaps her talent is similar to remote viewing with a healthy dose of understanding people. I don't live by her words, but I cannot discount all of them either.

Tinkerbell and Tech are celebrating St. Patricks Day in downtown Detroit. She invited me to join them, but it sounds like too much work. I enjoy hanging with them, but I don't need the hassle of parking, the crowds, or the drinking.

The last few days have been cold with flurries. Something we didn't see much of during winter. Next week, the temperatures will start rising, hopefully. I have yet to begin looking for Ava's replacement again. My experiences with Kat and then Joy have left me not wanting to put in the effort. I am waiting a month and concentrating on regaining my upper body strength. I am adding more protein and fewer carbs to my diet. 

I had one match on Bumble this week. A 43-year-old woman from the Ann Arbor area. I don't consider Bumble as actively looking for dates. Conversations there never go anywhere. She didn't want to bother with small talk. Instead, she wanted to meet for drinks right away. She didn't want to "answer twenty questions" but quickly asked where I work. She didn't bother reading my profile to figure out where I lived (an hour away from her). 

In our brief conversation, she indicated social media was her new passion since giving up drinking. In her profile, she states yes to cannabis and kombucha. That says to me I don't she has just switched her substance of choice. I could be wrong, Ava would say she was pro both of those too, but they were never a part of our encounters. Ava only used cannabis bills to help her sleep.

Regardless, I am not interested in driving an hour away to meet her for coffee. She refers to Ann Arbor as A2. Ann Arbor is a very left-leaning area. I am more central in my political beliefs. She is a vegan. Her profile says no meat. There is so many non-starters there the only reason I bring her up is for blog filler.

Psychic Reading- Part V

 I saved this installment of the Psychic reading for today. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend 2011, I first met Billie. We have talked about Billie in the past. The Psychic could have looked back at her notes, but the Psychic sees hundreds of people a year. Does she keep notes on all of them? 

"I do like to ask about other people. My ex, her name is Billie. I just want to check in on her metaphysically. I don't check in with her much on the physical stream anymore. But there is a deep connection between us. I have always had trouble disconnecting. I'd just like to know how she is," I told the Psychic.

"Okay, you know what, I feel like she looks a lot older than she is. She's not the same person she used to be. Her face looks sunken in. I feel like she's on the thin side."

"She always has been," I say.

"Yeah, but you know what, see, sometimes I don't think she really eats, and I feel like she looks skinny and needs to put on a little weight. That's what I would say. I feel like there's a guy in her life, and he tries to take care of her. That I do."

"You know, like when somebody has an addiction problem-- like if somebody gave her painkillers. She would keep taking them. She likes the way they make her feel. When she's doing this. It relaxes her. When she's not doing that, I feel like she has a lot of anxiety-- a lot of anxiety. And she's like paranoid, you know, nervousness."

"I do see in the future you are going to, I don't know, reconnect with her or someone who knows her. Just saying something like, how is she doing? I do not see her living till she's old. She needs to be careful of someone hurting her. It's not the guy she's with. I don't know, sometimes I think she's not with good people. That's what I pick up with her. There's a female in her life, and I think it's somebody connected to family and also, it's someone that she's talking to more, and I think a while ago they weren't talking. So, developing a relationship there."

"I don't think she's been feeling well. So, just not feeling good. That's what I pick up with her."

"Should I reach out, or not reach out?" I ask.

"NO, because then you will have another one, another person. Like I said, she's got this guy that takes care of her. I really think she tries to stop it when you say addiction. I just feel like, I don't know, I don't think she can. She's getting older. She doesn't want her life to continue like this, and the problem is that she might go from one addiction to another one. You know, like pills. But she is thinking, well, this is better than what I used to do, and I think there's someone around her that drinks a lot."

"Like I said, she's okay."

I laugh nervously, "she doesn't sound like it."

"I know, but I see her being in a home. I see people stopping over. I feel like they all do the same thing. I do think she tells herself I shouldn't do this. She's very smart person, but it's taken hold of her. It's controlling her life, and I think things are starting to hit her more because I think she looks in the mirror and is like, who is that person. I don't think she did that before. And now, she's like, I better do something about this, or it will kill me."

"So, do I see her being this way for the rest of her life? I don't. I don't. I don't see that. I think she's so hard on herself that she wouldn't want to reach out to, let's say, family or people that she used to talk to before because Billie doesn't want them to see her like this, and she thinks they are not going to want her around anyway. What keeps happening is that she's in a circle, and all these people are just doing what she's doing. I think someone that comes around her has a child that comes around. But this other person is taking care of her."

The Pyschic's words make it sound like this guy is not taking care of her, but sometimes I wonder if I did any better. I would rather hear Billie getting married and thinking about having a baby than this.

Billie is a memory now. A lesson best not repeated. There are days I miss her, but those are fewer and further between. Perhaps the Psychic was correct when she said, "you are more accomplished in life than you thought you would be."

I hope everyone has a good holiday weekend.

Psychic Reading- Part IV

I have never mentioned Max to the Psychic before. So, we have never talked about him.

 "Any other questions?"

"My son Max, what do you see for him?" I ask.

"Alright, let's see. I think he gets indecisive. You know, and I think he's a people pleaser. What I mean by that is, let's say his mom said something like you are doing so good in school or a sport. Max is thinking, I really don't want to do this, but I think he'll keep doing it because it's making her happy, that's what I mean."

"I see him being more on the quiet side. If you ask him-- Are you doing okay, Max? He'd say—yes. Anything bothering you? Nope. I feel like he has always going to be that way."

"I see him being frustrated and confused. I think the two of you have a special bond. When I say, you go slow with him… it's like if you are with him and he is quiet, you don't bombard him with questions. I think you go at his pace. Sometimes, it is quiet when you are with him, but that is just how he is".

"There's a female around him. I don't know if it's the mother, but there's a female, and it's like I think he's very connected. I mean connected to where-- let's say if she was going on a trip, I think he might have anxiety. He'll always be close to her, and honestly, I think in a past life, I think he was her father in a past life. You know, because I don't always see her making smart choices. Do you know what I mean? I feel like when you put them together, he'd be the one making the right choice."

"He's not dating anyone," I tell her.

"No, I want to say it's a female like either mom, grandma, or someone in the family. I think there is karma there. Let me put it this way. Let's say, 10 years from now, if she makes a wrong decision, he will intervene and help. I am going to say it is not going to be good for him because sometimes she can be a train wreck. He will take on the role of rescuing her."

The only female in his life right now is his mother.

"I don't see him getting into a relationship anytime soon. He doesn't like a lot of change. He's like, if things are consistent, I'm good. That is just how he is."

"When he sees something that he wants to do, I think he does it. He has a lot of drive. He gets that from you. He just doesn't like talking about his feeling."

"When he does get into this relationship, not at the beginning, but I think he's going to talk more as time goes on. I see the woman a woman in his life getting him to open up and talk more. I do see him always being close to you."

I think it is fascinating how she describes Max. She is very correct. She doesn't point out health issues or any problems in his life. And honestly, he doesn't have any right now. 

Updates And Psychic Reading- Part III

My scheduled trip to Mackinaw will be either postponed or canceled. The original dates have turned into Tink and Tech taking T-Rex and his friends up to the island with other parents. It would not be the same as the original plan. I am disappointed. Tink said we adults would either go in September or head to Chicago instead.

Last weekend I went out with Sam Friday and Saturday night for dinner. Sam wanted to listen to my psychic reading. She agreed with me. The psychic was on point in her descriptions of the people I asked about.

Sunday, Sam wanted to go for a bike ride. It was overcast and had rained in the morning. The temperature was cool. Not ideal for bike riding, but I dragged myself away from watching season three of Deadwood, put the rack on the back of the Gladiator, and went to pick her up.

We took the bikes out for about an hour. Sam had worked a long week and had not gotten out on her bike as much as she would like, but the temperature continued to fall, and without the sun, we were through.

*     *     *

 The Psychic was a bit harder to understand when it came to dating. She was talking about Ava and me going on a trip when she sidetracked.

"You want to know what's interesting when you go on trips, you meet people. You talk to people. I don't know if this has happened yet. If it hasn't, it's going to happen. You are going on a trip, just talking to people, and then suddenly, here comes this one woman. It's like you two are talking, and you're going to be thinking, god, we get along so well that I feel like you're going to be attracted to someone."

You're going to be thinking she is probably with a boyfriend or husband, but I don't think she is. She might be with a group of friends. I don't see you like seeking it out. I just see you sitting there and being sociable. I want to say I don't see this person being from Michigan. So, that's one opportunity. I know it is somewhere warm because I can see you in short sleeves. I feel like you'd be staying where people go."

"Now, sometimes, when I talk, I pick up more. I don't know if this is such a thing, alright, but there's a place you're going to go to more frequently because you really like being there. Now, it's funny, like when you keep going somewhere, they start giving you perks and other things? I can see that happening. I sit here laughing. It's almost like getting discounts. When I say I know you go back, I can feel there's this one guy you talk with, but I think he works there. When I see him, I think he's kind of like black hair, and it's a little bit wavy, and I want to say probably like maybe no turn 5 foot 10, and I feel a little stocky, not heavy."

This feels like the past. She is talking about me going to the strip club and talking to the restroom attendant. He doesn't work there anymore.

"Like I said, it's like going back to the same place, and let's say if something happened a year from now and you're like, Oh my god, it's this place I keep going back to because I like being there. This is the thing I want you to remember, you're going to be going there again with a new lady."

I took Ava to the strip club.

"So if you start saying, oh keep going back here, because I think you like trying different stuff."

There was more that was disjointed. I am not sure if it was the past or future, but it sounds vaguely like a strip club.

"So, if you are drawn more to a specific place, I can see you taking a new lady."

"When I say talking to a new person, you don't like to feel fenced in. Part of you likes to go out, and the other part likes your private. It's about 50/50. So, with you with your private time, you are quieter, and you just want peace. Now when I say the other part of you like going out and doing things, it's like a club where people are at and everybody talking. I feel you meet a female, but it's not like where people are having dinner. It's a place where there are many people and people are talking, and then I just see you talking to somebody. Just talking and then numbers and then hanging out. So I could see that."

"So, if you said to me, Donna, when will it happen? I'm going to say sometime between mid-summer and the end of winter. So, it's not that far off. So, it's less than a year. When I say that, I know you'll meet someone else. I want to call that casual. You know? Because when I call that casual, it's the one I see mid-summer that's more serious. That's what I mean."

"The one around you now, she's still going to be around. You know what? I really feel this one around you now will get so frustrated because of this other guy."

"Any other questions?"

"All this other intrigue with relationships and women always seems to come. I never think it will, but it does," I tell her.

"So EVERBODY that is there, I feel like they are going to be pushed aside because there is someone new coming in. This person is going to be more stable, and you're going to be looking at this person more permanent, but you are just going to take it slow. I feel like she's got a job. She is stable. I feel like it's something that you want, but part of you thinks, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. Then you're like, what am I going to do about this one? What am I going to do about that one? That's what I see going on. So, I want to say, just hang in there."

Psychic Reading- Part II

What I find interesting about the Psychic is that fact, despite there being many ways to describe a person, she always nails them. She is never ambiguous. We will see that when she describes Firefly in this post and Max in an upcoming post.

"I have a friend, Firefly, whom we have talked about here in the past. She doing well. She has a lot on her plate. She is pregnant. She is going to be having a baby in August. Is she going to keep it all together?"

"Yes, but I think she is worried. "I wanna say like, she's worried she's stressed. She and the baby will be okay. I think she's worried about money. She needs to take things day by day and everything is going to work out. It's just-- okay, I got a feeling there’s a new guy in her life. I don't know if you want to tell her this, but I don't feel like these two are going to stay together."

"I won’t tell her that," I assure her.

"You know and I really feel that-- I don't know, I hope I’m wrong- but I don't… I just feel like she wants to be in love. She wants to have a marriage and a family. That's very important to her.  She would do anything and sacrifice anything just to have that.

This is an accurate way to describe Firefly.

I feel like sometimes-- I want to say he's all in it, you know, being there together. Then there are times I could see him--let's say going out and let's say spending money, coming home, and then she's thinking we needed that money to pay bills. So I feel like there's going to be a money issue here. You know she's looking forward, like I said, to the baby and being together and everything else but I just feel like as time goes on, I just feel him drifting a little bit more away."

"She's still going to try to hang on and then each time, I know when something doesn't go right, I think she's gonna talk to you more."

 "I don’t mind. I like checking in on her. She is one of my projects," I tell her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true it's a project. Just to see how she's doing. She's very strong, very protective over that baby. Great mother! You know, wonderful mother, but I think he gets absent-minded. I think he's really trying to work hard. I feel like both of them grew up in difficult families so that's why I think the two are put together.  She just needs to talk to him sometimes 'cause sometimes I think she doesn’t want to say anything. So, she needs to say things like we need to work on this together. Don't let it go too far to when they start arguing.  Just let her know that when the time is right she needs to sit down and say, let's talk. Because if not, people start getting irritated and resentful.  Then it gets out of hand, but by doing that they can make this work. Definitely, she is going to have another baby. Yep, there's gonna be another one."

 "Let’s hope she takes her time," I reply.

Psychic Reading- Part I

Friday, I went to see the Psychic. The good one. There is so much to unpack from the session it will take several posts. She emails you an audio copy of the session. I have transcribed the recording. It is eight pages long. I uttered approximately one word for every hundred she said during the reading. The reading is like a fluid stream of thoughts. You have to experience it to understand. 

The Psychic sat across from me at her kitchen table. She doodles on notepaper with a pen as she speaks. Sometimes it is just X's she draws. Other times a name or some other symbol will appear. She went through three sheets of paper during my reading.

*     *     *

"Now, let me hear you say your first name," She begins.

"Bathwater."

"Like I said, you stop me if you need to. You like-- I wanna say helping people. I wanna say, you attract people. You are good at guiding people. You know, leading people in the right direction, and I wanna say you are a part-time counselor. That's what I want to say here. I wanna say you've been that way your entire life. Going way back like, let's say when you're in school, I want to say you kept it to yourself. Like kids at school, let's say they were picked on and things like that, I think you would talk to them. You know what I mean? Like when everybody else or most people wouldn't, it was you."

"Now you are better because, in the past, you really want to be a perfectionist in things that you do. You know, like you're working on something, everything's got to fit. I feel like that's how your mind works. Let's say something is broken. If you can pick it up, you're holding it, and you figure it out in your mind. So I wanna say you are good working with your hands, but you've always been that way, and it's just I wanna say it's like a gift you got. It's a skill, and now when I say you're better at this than in the past. I think there was a part of you. I don't want to say worried about what other people thought, but I wanna say more insecure, and then I wanna say that's more connected to school, but you're very different than when you were in school. I wanna say this-- you are more accomplished in your life than I think you thought you would be because when you say, I am going to do this or that you do that."

"I feel like there's gonna be a short trip this summer. I do see that. I feel like it is going to be near water. When I say short, it reminds me of just getting away to get away. You are planning this with a female, and okay, now when I say this like the two of you, I don't feel it's scheduled yet. When I say a place, I think that she might have more-- okay, you know, like I think there's something about her that like something to do with paperwork, you know something isn't completed with this female."

"Is this a new female, or is it someone I am dating?"

"Someone that you are currently dating. No, let me stop you there and say this. I am going to put that trip off to the side for a moment. And, when said like, someone currently dating, okay, how would I say this? I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like she might be unpredictable."

Without me mentioning her name or describing Ava at all, unpredictable is the Psychic's word to describe Ava.

"You know, so when I said, Oh yeah, the trip, I paused because I don't know, honestly don't feel it's gonna be her because like let's say planning something and then let's say if you're getting near wherever you are going, she might actually back out. So, when I say that like being unpredictable, I feel like you know how she is by now. And you will be like, I knew it. You can just tell."

This next part is a bit convoluted, but I am leaving it in because of some critical points.

"I got a feeling that I'm trying to say-- like somebody from her past is talking to her, or something like that. It reminds me of like talking to somebody. I am trying to be specific when I say that because I don't feel like she spoke with this person a lot lately, but I feel like her talking to this somebody. It's not like she wants to get into a relationship with somebody else. It's nothing like that. It's she feels like she's stuck, you know? Like I'm not going anywhere. So when I say I see you're like going out more, be careful because I think there will be miscommunication between the two of you. I think it might be her, but she's not leaving your life."

"And by the way, I wanna say this one. IF EVER, like let's say she says I don't want to be with you anymore, she will be back. But with you, honestly, how I feel it will play out down the road is that you're going to meet somebody new. Just talking and getting to know somebody--going out a little bit here and there, and then I see you having more feelings for this new girl, Then this one that's around you will feel guilty about. Like I am talking to her, but I like this new girl. I got the feeling you will eventually cut the cord with the one that is currently with you. I just feel like there's such a history with the two of you. You've known her for quite a while."

I tell her, "I can expound if you like."

"Okay, yes."

"I have been hanging out with a girl named Ava. It's been very casual, but she is hitching her horse to someone else, but she doesn't want to break things off with me either. So, there is that complication which I'm fine with, but her availability is questionable, which leads to what you are saying. So I don't know if this is a short-term infatuation with her like you are saying, but we do have a good time when we go on trips. We went on two trips last month," I tell the Psychic.

"Okay, this has happened since the last trip. How would I say this? I wanna say she is little unstable. And see-- I got a feeling-- you know more what's going on, and I don't feel like that other guy really does. What I am going to say will sound ridiculous. I don't feel she's really into this guy."

"Normally, I would think, yeah, you know she will be with him, but I don't feel like it, and he's controlling. So when I say she needs to watch it a little bit because he will check on her, like drive by where she is at. God forbid he sends her a text, and she doesn't answer. Text, call, text, call that is what's going to happen, but that is what chases her away, but I don't see him going away soon. So you figure we are in May, I think they've been having some issues going on. Turning this guy a little bit. But, he came into her life (fast). Like he just jumped into a relationship with her."

"Right!" I agreed.

"You know, and it's like, I think she just doesn't like the closed in feeling. And by the way, speaking about closed in feeling, she is the type of person that someone comes into her life and, let's say they're starting to smother her, she's never stuck around. She can't do it, and I believe she said that this guy quite a few times, you know, like back off, back off, and he don't get it."

Ava has said precisely the same thing. She has only ever had a series of short-term relationships, and she has already tried breaking up with this guy.

"Okay, she will be with you, and I've got a feeling he's going to try to contact her, but  I can tell then she gets angry about it, you know, but he doesn't listen. So they will have their own drama. I do not see her breaking it off anytime soon. I just think sometimes she's going to be thinking, 'Well, maybe it's going to stop being like this.' But that it's not going to happen. Now he's gonna talk to her about going on a trip. So, I see him taking her on a trip, and then you're going on another trip with her, so that's going to be before August. No, before September, that's right, it's gonna be this short trip, it's gonna be near water."

At this point, she switches gear and starts talking about two different women I will be meeting and a place I will begin frequenting. I am leaving that for another post. The Psychics just goes with what she sees, and it isn't always linear. Though she did mention the trips twice.

Later on, she continued.

"The one around you now, she's still going to be around. You know what, I really feel this one around you now, she's gonna get so frustrated because this other guy-- I wanna say if she says, 'I'm gonna go get my nails done.' He would say, 'I'll pay for it,' you know, and maybe say 'I'll come and get a pedicure done,' so he’d be there. So, what I think some times she will not tell him stuff. He does this overly much. That's why I don't feel a person really stays with him." 

Then later still.

"You know that female that you're going out with? She has an intuitive side because maybe she will say, 'Were you thinking about going on a trip?' and you'd be like, 'yeah.' I just feel like she can get in tune with her feelings with you. So I want to say that there is some connection between the two of you that keeps pulling you together. You know, and not pulling apart. She sees that sweet side of you. She laughs with you. She can be a kid at heart. So can you. And you know, when you think about it, you don't see people like that anymore, so it makes her happy. Also, I said the two of you will stay together, but anyone that is going to end it is going to be you.

"Okay, now, as I am going on, any questions?

"You nailed Ava to the T. 'She's with him not because of who he is but what he does for her. She's already tried breaking up with him once before, and he would not allow it," I tell her.

"I think he's gonna be trouble for her."

"I think she's going to have drama with this guy and I think sometimes she is going to talk to you about it. So I want to say be prepared because when she's doing this, I just feel she is going to frustrate you because it's almost like "do you care that you wanna be with me or now am I just your friend." Then you are being the guidance counselor again. I feel like she's going on a trip with him, and then I feel like some time by the 4th of July I think it's six weeks, you will be on a trip. It's like she goes on one trip and then goes on another. Like I said, back and forth, but not trying to compare the two of you, but I feel like you're the fun one.

 And like I said I think with this guy, for example, he'll say, 'you wanna new phone, here I'll get you a new phone,'' but sadly, I think he feels like he owns her."

Sometimes the Psychic will soften her words, but she never tells you what you want to hear. When Billie left, the Psychic flat out said she was not coming back. Another time I asked if she saw me dating anyone she said no. There are many ways to describe a person, but I have never seen her get someone I've asked about wrong.   I also asked about work, Firefly, and Max. She had more to say, but I will split those into different posts.

Closing the Door

I am self-aware. Firefly would say that I didn't understand her addiction, but that is not true. I am an addict in recovery. It's just that my drug of choice is a person. 

(Excerpt) It's Not Right
Originally Posted: July 10, 2012

 I can't explain my addiction to Billie. I try to write it off as only an attraction to the outside package, but that would be a lie, although I know every curve, every line, and flaw on the outside. There is also something within that draws me to her.
 
"Ever been close to someone, but miles apart? I've been there several times. You hold them tight as if you can force them closer until they whimper, and you realize you're hurting them. There's nothing that will span that distance." 

*     *     *

I wrote that ten years ago. I say I am in recovery, but every email, every text, every Firefly is just me chasing that high. I am in recovery, but once an addict, always an addict. It keeps me from getting close to someone.

And it won't matter now.
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...All I Want, Toad the Wet Sprocket 

Before I mentioned Billie, the psychic suggested I've been reclusive for the past couple of years. I have been. She told me I could be happy with someone like Ava, but I would always be looking for that missing passion-- that addiction (my words, not hers). 

Being in love is my addiction. Each time it happens, it is worse than before. The thought scares me, and so I avoid it. Sam says she has a good feeling about Ava. The psychic thinks I deserve to be happy. It's like telling an alcoholic, one drink won't kill you. I've said to Firefly there are many things in this world to experience. The only way to do that is to give up what you long for.

I am closing the door. Without fanfare. Without spoken truths. I have a weakness, but it doesn't make me weak, because I see it for what it is and I am not giving in.

Psychic Weekend

 This could get long. There is a lot to record from the weekend. 

Friday

Ava: 7:15 is great. (Time to pick her up)

Bathwater: Lol, you need to remove the word punctual from your resume, but you can keep enthusiastic and eager to learn.

I picked Ava up Friday at 7:15 and headed to Naughty Time Novelty. The parking lot was packed with cars, but Ava was relieved only a few people were in the shop, and most were at the Chinese restaurant next door. Ava reviewed all the items. She was interested in the corsets, which was not a surprise, and was drawn to a purple tail attached to a silver butt plug that was surprising.

We didn't buy either the tail or a corset, but they are on the list for a future date. I did buy Ava a tiny pocket vibrator that could be easily mistaken for a Blistex lip blam and an imposing purple wand for us to experiment with later. The purple wand turned out to be cumbersome, and I am still waiting for a report on how the other performs.

We ordered dinner and took it back to the condo. Ava snuck a vegan chocolate-covered ice cream treat before her meal. She bought them the first night we had dinner and sneaks a few every time she is over, and I think they are an indulgence she cannot keep at home.

After dinner, we headed upstairs. Good sex seems to be another of Ava's indulgences, and we align there. Ava is undoubtedly good for my ego. She claims I am the best she has had; wearing a condom allows me to keep up with her stamina. 

"I feel like I just ran a marathon," I remark after, while we lay together with her resting her head on my chest.

"At least you won."

"I'm not sure it counts if I am the only participant."

"Hey, a trophy is a trophy," she insists, and we both break out in laughter.

Saturday

Sam and I left the next afternoon for our psychic appointment in Holly at noon. The winds were brutal and wrestled against them to keep the Gladiator in its lane the entire forty-minute drive.  There was an event going on in the small downtown, but we avoided it, parked outside of resale shop where the psychic saw customers in the upstairs and found a local bar to grab a quick meal before our readings.

The warm temperatures we expected disappeared in Holly, and we were woefully underdressed for the short walk from the bar to the resale shop. Sam took the first appointment. She seemed more eager than I. While she was with the psychic, I wandered the store. It was filled with handmade knickknacks and antiques. A few items I found interesting, but I didn't purchase anything.

The psychic is a pleasant woman in her early thirties. I felt my reading was more common sense than spiritual insight. Sam felt less skeptical about her own. The psychic did not hit me with anything shocking or unexplainable. She was definitely not as spooky as Donna, the previous psychic I have seen.

In summary, she said I needed to put Billie in the past, but who doesn't say that (I have more to say about that in a future post).  She said I had three choices when it came to Ava. I could allow things to remain the same. She calls this the safe and boring route. The psychic said Ava would be okay with that, and she is waiting to see what I will do. My second choice is to push Ava's boundaries and forge a stronger connection, but it will never be an all-consuming love like I had with Billie. My third choice is someone I have not met yet, named Kelley or Kylie.  She described this person and said it could be a more passionate love, but I would have to work for it (I will expound upon all this more in a follow-up).

Saturday Night

Saturday was a long day. After our trip to Holly, I dropped Sam off and returned home. I had thirty minutes to prepare for another forty-minute drive and my obligatory company Christmas party.  The party was an agonizing four hours of loud voices and awkward conversations.

I haven't enjoyed the Christmas party since Billie and I broke up. For some reason, it was more of an affair, more enjoyable with her by my side. I have never related well with my peers. I am an outsider by nature and do not make any effort to fit. Going to the psychic and then the party left me emotionally drained. 

Last Week's Violet Update

 Last week went by quickly.  The hours in the office crawl, but the underlying stress of the holiday season makes me feel as if I have too much to accomplish.  Last Tuesday, Ava and I went to a Gong Immersion season performed by an ex-coworker who retired and now concentrates on spiritual and new age interests. It was fun and meditative.

Friday, I took Ava to downtown Rochester. To see the lights and walk the town. People were out enjoying the season. The night air was cool but not unbearable. We have yet to get any significant snowfall, and temperatures are still getting into the forties. Ava did not seem overly interested in the experience, but she did not complain.

When we got back to my condo, we headed upstairs, where it seems our mutual interests lay. I asked Ava if she would like to try a vibrator. I pulled out a black wand-style vibrator I bought for Gymnast and showed her how it worked. Ava took to it enthusiastically. At one point, I wondered if I would get it out of her hand. She came twice with the vibrator, once while I was inside her and the second time while I used it on her.

I am still getting mixed signals from Ava.  My friend Sam thinks I am overthinking things. Ava is nesting at the condo. Each time she comes over, she leaves something behind. I don't mind. I am not seeing anyone else, so no one is asking questions about the lip balm with the hair ties wrapped around it sitting on the headboard or the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. Still, I would say that our arrangement is closer to the one I had with Gymnast than the one I had with Firefly.

I would like to see her more, but maybe it is too soon. Some parts of her life are still mysterious, and others are confusing.  I have no complaints concerning the time we do spend together. The sex is fantastic. Ava goes on forever, and I get tired before she indicates any desire to stop.

Sam and I are seeing a new psychic this Saturday, and she is supposed to be really good. Perhaps this one will be able to shed some light on Ava.

CBD

 Sunday afternoon, I received a text from Alexis, "We are ready when you are."

Alexis, Sam, and I had made plans to go to a psychic fair. I was hoping the rain would change their minds. It didn't. So, I put down my book, crawled out of bed, and to a quick shower.

I got to their house before 1:00 in the afternoon. The day was overcast at the best of times, and it drizzled rain on and off all day. We piled into the Gladiator and headed for St. Clair Shores. The psychic fair was outside of a VFW hall a few miles from the twin's house.

Alexis started drinking before I arrived at her house. She also happily admitting to taking an Adderall pill. It was going to be one of those trips. 

The fair consisted of thirty tents lined up in three rows on a patch of lawn outside of the VFW hall. Several food trucks sat on the pavement in front of the lawn. Most of the tents contained vendors selling crystals or jewelry. Five or six house various types of psychics.

Alexis and I stopped at a tent. The woman was selling various CBD products. When she saw that I was vaping, she handed me a free sample of a vape cartridge filled with CBD oil. Yes, I am still occasionally vaping, but only non-nicotine products.

The woman started espousing the differences in CBD. Alexis got bored and decided to stir the pot. She broke into the woman's monolog and asked, "Yeah, but will any of it help with his impotence issues." 

The woman was not sure how to respond. With a smirk, I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "Just ignore her."

We didn't stay long. No one from our group got a psychic reading. We went to a nearby restaurant and had lunch. Sam started drinking, and Alexis continued. I didn't. Later, when we returned to their house, we spent some time sitting in their garage and watching the rain. The drinking continued. That is another story I don't want to get into right now except to say they drink too much.

When I got home that evening, I tried the CBD vape. It had a strong weed smell to it. It didn't take many hits. I wasn't sure what it would do for me, but I didn't like the effect. CBD tends to mess with my emotions. That is part of the reason I was so down in my last post. Drugs and alcohol tend to have a strong depressive effect on me.

I am not saying I don't have thoughts of Billie or that the events with Firefly aren't stirring my head. It is just easier to handle most days. No, I don't want Billie back. That is a dead-end. I know it.  As for Firefly, she was a nice distraction when things seemed mutually beneficial for both of us, but that hasn't been the case for a while now. I am not attached to her.  I think I use her as an excuse not to find someone else. I find dating or looking for someone new difficult and time-consuming. 

For every Gymnist or Firefly, I go through at least 4 or 5 I am not interested in. Find someone with true dating possibilities or long-term relationship potential is like looking for the right needle in a needle stack.

Firefly did make it to the Rehab Tuesday. We will see how long she stays.

Psychic Again

 Sienna, my cat, has taken to sleeping on my side of the bed in front of my pillow during the day now that Firefly has gone.  I think it is because the house is cold. The temperature outside has been in the low 20's during the day and into the single digits at night.

I had another psychic reading today. As usual, she was spot on. She spoke a lot about Firefly. She did not see Firefly going away.  She said the following about Firefly:

I pick up a lot of karma. I want to say it was meant to be--the two of you meeting. I do see the two of you getting back.  I see her moving back in.  If you try reaching out to her, there will be times when she will talk to you, then there will be other times when she will ignore you--because she can be very stubborn. It takes her a while to cool off.  For example, I said I see her moving back in, and I said not anytime soon. If she were in front of me, she would say, NO WAY.  She would think I am crazy.

She had the following to say about Billie:

Your love for Billie is extremely deep.  You are always going to have feelings for Billie.  I see you and Billie inconsistently communicating with each other. It is going to be very generic.  I see you seeing each other, but I want to say I see Billie having her guard up. She will be somewhat protective of her heart. Billie still has feelings for you, and I see that she always will.  It is just that she would like to be friends. 

What is in my future? Not much other than Firefly still coming around. This psychic doesn't say what you want to hear. She just tells you what she sees. I was left feeling sad. It was like someone looking at my life and telling me the truth--the truth about myself and my relationships with others. It is an honesty that can be hard to face. Seeing the reality of the near future, there is nothing left but to make the most of it.

Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, het now

When the world comes in...Don't Dream It's Over, Crowded House

More From the Psychic

I transposed more of the psychic's words from my reading back in February. It is still on my mind, which is probably a bad thing.  She allows you to ask questions but she doesn't need much prompting as you can see.

"Back to Billy," I say to her.  So we are going to have interactions still?"

"She continues to make contact with you because you help her.  You talk to her. You help her. Sometimes I feel like you might help her out money-wise."  She tells me.

“I don’t want to do that,”  I assure her.

"Okay, you got to not do that.  In other words, be strong.  The only thing I have to say about that is if you help her out money wise it will also help out the guy she is with because they are together. Sometimes I see her getting moody because she doesn’t get what she wants but I never see her completely going away.

"Protect your heart a little bit about you and Billy talking a little bit about getting back together.  Like the subject is going to be brought up...BUT...  Not now and not in the near future but you are going to make a decision in the future about letting her back in your life.  And what I mean by allowing her back in your life to where you and she are together again. But you would say, you are not doing this, you are not doing that.  That is going to be away down the line.  In other words, I don’t think she learned her lessons yet."

I completely agreed.

"As time goes on, every so often you will hear from her.  It will always be drama or something going on.  And sometimes you are going to just be a sympathetic ear and try to guide her.  She likes to hear that.  You keep her strong I feel, and somewhat balanced by talking to her.  She does get depressed and hard on herself because she won't understand why you would even want to talk to her sometimes. So she just beats herself up.  In the future, there is going to be a change, an opportunity that is going to present itself for the two of you, just not anytime soon.  I see things staying the same."

“Does she regret where she is at right now or is she happy?”

"She not happy where she is at. She doesn’t regret it. She is just kind of going with the flow.  She has days when she regrets it.  I just don’t think she has gotten to the point where she has had enough.  But she struggles, I do see that, and she adapts to any situation she is with.  I think where she is at is not in a good place but she just tries to adapt to it."

At this point, I asked her if she saw someone different was coming into my life.

"Okay what you have to do is put that energy out there for a good healthy relationship.  Try and pull away and not engage in this.  Because if you notice The Gymnast and the other have similarities."

"That is what attracts me," I say laughing.

"Right, so once you are able to move past that you are not going to have that.  If you were to ask me. Am I going to end up in a healthy productive relationship? Yes you are.  You just haven't found her yet. and I want to say the places you are going and the things you are doing.  You are going to the wrong places.  Stay out of clubs (see uses the word clubs not bars, as in strip clubs).  That is not where to meet anybody.  (Tinkerbell and Billy were both strippers)  It is not that everyone that works at a club is bad but it is the energy.

Do you think Billy will ask to get back together?  Does all this mean I will tell her no?  She didn't say.  I think she would have if she saw it.  Yes, I know I don't want her back...but

Crawlin' back to you
Ever thought of callin' when
You've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too
Busy bein' yours
To fall for somebody new.. Do I Want To Know, Artic Monkeys

Blue and Yellow

And it's all in how you mix the two
And it starts just where the light exists
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
And it burns a hole
Through everyone that feels it

Well your never gonna find it
If your looking for it
Won't come your way
Well you'll never find it
If your looking for it

Should've done something but I've done it enough
By the way your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you...

The words of the psychic still echo in my head.  "Do you see anyone coming into my life?"  I ask her.

"No one good,"  was her reply.

No one good.  Last night was another trip down the rabbit hole.  Two girls came over.  It was not planned, more of a spontaneous hook up.  It is a repeat of prior encounters.  I'll spare you the details, except to say it was worth the lost sleep.  The girls find me charming.  They peg me for 10 years younger than I am, by the way I look and talk.

"I had a lot of fun with you!  You are one of a kind."  One of the girls sends me after.

 I have meet six girls from the Seek Arrangements site.  Two just for drinks.  They all fall into the category of “no one good”.  Not that they are bad people.  Just that they are not what I am looking to meet.  The Gymnast came closest and she is the youngest.  What does that say about me?

“I would give it a break for a while,” my friend Jay sends me in a text, “or it will mess you up.”

I agree with him.

I miss Billy.  I miss what I had with her, but I know there is no going back; not even if she wanted.  I don’t think she knows what she wants.  Still I cannot close that door

These encounters paints clear a picture of what type of relationship I want.  It is the void of substance during the encounters.  I want what is missing  I have't found a way to find it.

Well your never gonna find it
If your looking for it
Won't come your way
Well you'll never find it
If your looking for it

Should've done something but I've done it enough
By the way your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you  

Waste some time with you...Blue and Yellow, The Used

Confidence

"What you need to do is build up your confidence.  I just don't see yet...anybody good coming in (to your life) yet." The psychic said, finishing our session.

Confidence-

• a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities

 It is easier to attract the bad ones.  I am attempting to at least temporarily, replace The Gymnast, . However, the quality of girls I meet is declining.  I met with Maddy Sunday.  She is another girl looking for a mutually beneficial relationship.  Another girl from a broken home without a stable father figure.  She is twenty-three, heavier than I like, and less refined but I am hoping she will not be needed once the Gymnast returns.

Searching for someone to take care of my needs is frustrating.  Whether it is finding someone for a potential relationship or finding someone for the night.  I don't get laid if I am not constantly on the lookout and I still like having sex.

I give Maddy a tour of my condo before we settle on the couch in the living room. Maddy is wearing a worn purple tie-dyed pullover hoodie and black leggings.  Her long curly blond hair is pulled back in a ponytail.  I turn on the big screen over the fireplace but our conversation keeps us from getting drawn into any shows.  She is short on time.  Part of me doesn't mind that.  There is little for us to do even though the February weather is mild and I am not that into her.

After a while, we head upstairs, undress, and get under the covers.  She says my body is warm, usually, it is the girl that is warmer than me.  I ask her if she is okay.  "Heck yeah," she says.  "You are hot."  All the yoga, weight training, and other exercises are good for something.  I thank her for the compliment without giving her one in return.  I find her average and I am not big on false flattery.

It is our first time having sex.  I don't pull out the toys or throw her into multiple positions.  I take it slow and see what she is like.  She gets excited quickly during foreplay, it gets me aroused and I enter her.  She cums once and I cum also a few minutes later.

After, we are lying in bed. She says, "You have a large dick." 

"Really?  I have not had any complaints but I think of myself as average." I reply.

She disagrees.

The Gymnast enjoyed sex with me too.  Both girls are more than half my age, that alone should be a confidence booster.  Still, they do not take the place of a meaningful relationship.  Billy didn't care about my physical appearance or my bedroom prows. She was there for me.

Somehow I need to translate the confidence these encounters give me towards meeting someone age-appropriate.  Someone I find interesting and attractive.  I have not figured that out yet.  On paper, as they say, I am mediocre.  In person, I am a cut above.  I need to remember that.

Psychic Mumbo-Jumbo

Six months ago I went to see a psychic.  Since then everything she told me came to pass.  In addition she described Billy perfectly as being an addict without me ever mentioning it.  Here are few things she said.

Concerning Billy:  She has money issues and they won't stop anytime soon.  (Last time I checked Billy had $12 in her bank account).

I see doctors involved with her. (Billy never goes to the doctor but had the abortion in January).

I don't see this relationship ending any time soon (Billy and the new guy).  Emotionally protect your heart. 

Your father's health is fragile (she went on to describe congestive heart failure) and you will be the one taking care of him.

She also described my trip to China as being something I do occasionally and that I would be stay on the water.  It was a city and hotel I have never been to before and it was on the water.


Monday I went to see her again.  She did not have any good news for me. She said, Billy will continue being Billy.  The new boyfriend is not clean.  He does not do heroin but he will take the occasional pain pill and not think anything of it (obviously he does not understand her addiction).

Is there someone coming into my life anytime soon?  I don't see anyone good.

She said Billy and I will continue talking (Billy wants to go to dinner next week) and that she doesn't see her completely going away.

I feel like I am doing the right things for the wrong reasons.  I am doing yoga and just started with a personnel trainer and there is book club.  I don't enjoy these things the way I should.  I don't want to go backwards and I don't see where I am going.  I am supposed to be experiencing the present.  The present is lonely.

Dismemberment

I pulled into the driveway at the address she provide me in her email.  The brick ranch showed signs of age on the outside.  A snow covered Ford focus is parked in the driveway.  She opens the door as I approached.   She is younger than she appeared in her photo and prettier, with curly blond shoulder length hair and a wide comforting smile.

Once inside she has me take off my shoes.  She is dressed in a long sweater over purple and pink leggings and matching purple and pink wool socks.  I am in jeans and a faded red pullover. 

On the inside the house looks freshly remodeled.  The furniture is comfortable and new. There is incense or a scented candle burning and native american music is playing. I am here for a shamanic healing and she is my shaman.  I sit cross legged on the couch and she mirrors my pose on a chair opposite me.  She explains what she will be doing.  She is going off on a spirit journey to clear my chakras and restore balance.

I sit crossed legged and meditate while she is on her journey.  They atmosphere is conducive to meditation.  I find myself in a deeper state than ever before. Images and colors pass before my mind but disappear when I try to focus on them.

Twenty minutes late she is explaining what she did.  She was directed to do a spiritual body dismemberment and to heal each chakras outside the spiritual body.  She says she has never been instructed to do a dismemberment before.  She tells me I was a samurai in a past life and was instructed me to remind me of my power.  My spirit animal is a red dragon. Which is coincidentally what I have tattooed on the left side of my chest and what I painted for my bedroom when I moved into the condo many years ago.

She recommended a book, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior.  I have started reading it and it falls in line with much I have already been reading.  I am not sure how much faith I have in her journey but it was worth keeping an open mind and I do feel different today, stronger.

The Future

Currently I am taking care of my dying father.  I am focusing on making him happy.  He is often the reason I get out of bed each day.  I still believe unseen forces align our lives. They do not determine our destiny, but the give us the things we need, if we allow them. I have positive affirmations written out on cards. These are suppose to help me reprogram my mind and help me get over this break up.  The top card says, "Everything I need comes to me at the right time and place."

My co-worker would say we tend to give significance to random events in our lives.  I believe there is more to it all.  My friend Sam went to see a psychic last week.  This is the second psychic to tell her she will be getting married again.  The psychic said she would be meeting him soon.  Sam does not believe it.  She is twice divorced.  Both guys cheated on her.  Deep down I think she wants to meet someone.  Don't we all?

My dad is finding it harder to swallow certain foods.   I think the tumor in his throat is growing again.  It is hard to tell without testing.  I don't want him to die of starvation, unable to get anything passed the lump in his esophagus.  Other parts of his body are failing.  Any of them could be the final cause.  Getting old sucks.

I have a friend at work.  Her mother-in-law is dying from a disease that hardens the lungs.  Her mother-in-law is in hospice and has been for over a week.  My friend says it is agony watching her slowly die.  It scares me.  I am not ready to see this happen to my dad.