Running On

Gia and I sit in the Buick, waiting in line for gas at BJ’s. A cool summer morning filters sunlight through the windshield, warming us in the stillness.

I turn up the radio. A lull between songs, the murmur of a concert crowd—and then it begins. A pulsing rhythm. Jackson Browne’s Running On Empty, an iconic moment recorded live in Columbia, Maryland, 1977.

Lookin' out at the road rushin' under my wheels
Lookin' back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

Gia has lived in eight or ten cities in twenty years. No roots, nothing sustained. Always running to the next city.

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Tryin' not to confuse it with what you do to survive

She runs from connecting, from herself. Surviving behind walls so thick they’ve become her identity. Pushing away anyone who might slip inside.

I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Lookin' into their eyes, I see them runnin' too

It seems like a sad existence, but it’s all she’s ever known. Performance as armor. Survival as self.

When she stopped trying, so did I. It’s hard to see value in someone who doesn’t see it in themselves. But she still lingers—in song, in unanswered questions I still try to understand.

I turn to her and say, “This is your theme song.”

Honey, you really tempt me, you know, the way you look so kind
I'd love to stick around, but I'm runnin' behind…Running On Empty, by Jackson Browne

Gia listens for a moment, then shakes her head. She disagrees.

But I don’t.

Conversations

Gia and I are still texting daily. Mostly, she just replies to mine, but she always responds.

Bathwater: Happy New Year. Did you make any resolutions?

Gia: Nope. You?

Bathwater: To stop wasting time and to see you again. I am going to need your help on the second one. :).

Gia: Okay! I am just home right now. I need a little break from being on the road.

It is hard to keep things from fading. The distance and her avoidant nature are daunting, but I don't want to give up on her, and she hasn't given me a reason to give up. Still, there is little hope of connecting.

Give me a reason.
To end this discussion
To break with tradition
To fold and divide
'Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes
Talking with strangers, waiting in line
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still
Are you feeling fine?
(Yes, I feel just fine)
Tell me that you're alright
"Yeah, everything is alright."
Oh, please tell me that you're alright
"Yeah, everything is alright"... Everything Is Alright, Motion City Soundtrack.

Happy New Year

It's a new day
But it all feels old
It's a good life
That's what I'm told
But everything, it all just feels the same

I am back to work. I didn't miss it. I was falling into a pretty good routine. I could embrace retirement. I built three Lego models while I was on vacation. All in the last week. I would spend up to eight hours daily just listening to podcasts, building and sorting. My Lego table is a jumble of parts when I am building.

You already saw the Treehouse. I like that one. I have put it away for this year's show. Here are the two others. The first is a companion piece for the Treehouse.

The second was an experiment. I was trying a new way to make a round tower. It worked out well.

Now, I have fifty- five emails to sift through and respond to.  So the year begins.

This is the anthem.

Throw all your hands up.

Y'all got to feel me

Sing if you're with me...The Anthem, Good Charlotte

Even The Losers

Well, it was nearly summer, we sat on your roof
Yeah, we smoked cigarettes, and we stared at the moon
And I showed you stars you never could see
Babe, it couldn't have been that easy to forget about me

Baby, time meant nothing; anything seemed real

Yeah, you could kiss like fire, and you made me feel

Like every word you said was meant to be

It couldn't have been that easy to forget about me

Billie and I broke up four years ago. It seems longer than that. The memories have begun to fade with time. Saturday is Billie's birthday. Monday is mine. It will be the fifth birthday we celebrated apart, and it will be the first time I don't reach out to her and wish her a happy birthday. I don't see a point anymore. I don't hate Billie, but I have never been able to accept the way things ended. I understand it, but I can never forgive it.

Two cars parked on the overpass

Rocks hit the water like broken glass

I should 'a known right then it was too good to last

God, it's such a drag when you live in the past

Tempus Fugit, "Time Passes"

Still, I wonder. 

Baby, even the losers

Get lucky sometimes

Even the losers

Keep a little bit of pride

They get lucky sometimes... Even The Losers, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Him

While digging through the achieves for the last post, I came across this post:

Originally Posted May 7, 2007
Him

 “Welcome to the real world,” she said to me condescendingly... No Such Thing, John Mayer

Three and a half years ago:

“If I hadn’t married you, I would have married him,” my ex says, trying to justify her actions. We sit on the gray-tiled step in front of our fireplace. It is fall, but a bright Indian summer sun shines through the window. The space between us is thick with emotion.

‘You are an idiot,’ I’m thinking, but I don’t vocalize the words.

The “him” she is speaking of is an old boyfriend. She hasn’t seen him in 17 years, but she’s never forgotten him. On the contrary, she’s built him up in her mind over the years. When her dad died and left her a hefty inheritance, “he” was looked up on Classmates.com. 45 days after her father’s death, she is filing for divorce, engaged in a long-distance relationship with “him,” and trying to justify it to me.

The Present

Alexis, Sam, and I meet for a late supper at Fridays. Alexis is going on about the attributes of her “him.”

“I know, I’ve seen the statue,” I chide, having heard it all before. “He’s Adonis, with good parenting skills.”

He is also a high school boyfriend. Her “him” is married now, but she has been talking to him lately. The spark between them is still there.

“You don’t understand. He has always been the one,” Alexis says.

My Ex’s words come to mind. “Oh, I understand, but you got to move on.” I try to convince her.

“I am!” She smiles, and I can see it’s not entirely true. She will never stop idolizing him.

I won’t let her have her moment, and it frustrates her. She grows quiet, and her thoughts turn elsewhere.

Sam comes to Alexis’ defense. “I understand how she feels. If B returned to my life, I would consider taking him back and dumping (her current boyfriend).”

B is Sam’s “him,” and I know what she says is true.

I really don’t understand harboring these feelings. They are unrealistic. I want to say they sabotage future relationships, but it is my turn to grow silent.

I’ve never been a “him,” at least not that I know. I’ve been in love maybe three or four times, but there is no “her” in my past. You love; you get hurt; you move on. There is no looking back. There is no going back.

How do you compete with a “him” from the past? He’s not there to come home late. He’s not there to forget the milk on the way home. He’s not there to blame when their life is not what they expected. The fact that “he” is not there and you are-- seems to be forgotten.

I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above-- No Such Thing, John Mayer

*     *     *

TheEx and her "him" lasted about a year or so after the divorce. Alexis had a brief affair with her "him . Neither enjoyed the fantasy for very long. Not surprising. 

It's Me

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Friday, Sam and I went to Green Lantern for dinner. I ordered a small gluten-free pizza, and Sam ordered a salad. Our conversation was stilted. We are both people that articulate the things we are thinking, and neither of us has anything new going on in our lives to discuss. 

Sam ordered a second tall Blue Moon beer with her meal. It takes her a long time to finish off these drinks, and she is usually a bit buzzed after. I found myself staring at the glass, wanting her to finish. Sam will not leave before her beer is done. She likes her Blue Moons.

I wanted to leave. I am less inclined to enjoy these nights out. They are triggering in a complex way that I find hard to explain even here. I would never try explaining it to her for fear of insulting her. We have been friends for more than fifteen years. Much has happened during that time. We have both changed. Like an old married couple, you wake up one day and realize you don't recognize the person sleeping next to you.

Stoically, I am sliding into this new phase of my life, yet still hoping for one last fling to extend the fun. Growing bitter about my choices, even though I know I would not change them if given a chance. 

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees...Anti Hero, Taylor Swift

Originally Posted March 7, 2009

Six Months Ago

"You've wasted your summer," she said, not for the first time, as if summer marked some invisible boundary of importance more significant than the other seasons.

Sam drew out another cigarette and lit it. She was not ready to leave. The shadows were deepening around us. It was a bright early evening when we entered the restaurant now, no light showed through between the window blinds. Another sign that summer was coming to an end.

I tried to form a reply. I sputtered partial phrases, none of which made much sense. "Don't get defensive, " she continued. "You need to find someone more mature. Someone that can offer you something mentally."

It sounded horribly boring to me. Like watching paint dry-- acrylic paint, not oil-based. No fumes to enjoy. I don't really want someone to challenge me intellectually. I don't really put much thought into things, except people, maybe, and you really don't need a Ph.D. to observe people.

* * *

Last weekend:

Tinkerbell sits at the table in front of my computer, feeding her addiction to mySpace. I am sitting on the counter in the kitchen facing her. "See, he is avoiding the issue, and so are you," I say.

"How can he and you not fight? You are the most annoying person I know! He avoids fighting because he is afraid of losing you. Which means he is probably suppressing issues; eventually, that will make him unhappy."

She listens, and we talk more. The conversation is mentally stimulating. It is a side no one else sees.

Steady As She Goes

Today I drove to work only to find that I forgot my computer. I decided it wasn't worth returning to the office once I returned home. I will be working the rest of the day from home. It is a slow week. My colleagues in China are on holiday, and several people in the office are on vacation. It's a good judgment call.

It has been lightly raining all morning, but I like the overcast day. We haven't had many this year, so it is a welcome change. I have been debating whether to go out tonight. I think I will just go to BJs warehouse to pick up a new office chair, get a few food items, and call it a day. Driving an hour across town to go to a strip club doesn't sound appealing.

Sam has been working late, so I don't think she will want to get something to eat. Strike that. Sam just called as I was writing this. She is interested in getting dinner. I guess I will be going to dinner and then getting my new office chair.

Otherwise, nothing new has been going on here. I have had no luck in finding a replacement for Ava. It feels like I need to start searching on other sites. There are not many real women on SA anymore. 

It seems the more I hang out on my own, the more I want to be alone. Sometimes I get envious of those around me who have had better luck on dating apps, but then I realize what they consider luck would not be the same as mine. 

When you have completed what you thought you had to do
And your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue
Then you'll get along
And then you'll get along
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)... Steady As She Goes, The Raconteurs

Constant

The only difference
That I see
Is you are exactly the same 
as you used to be...The Difference, The Wallflowers

I had a coworker stop by the condo the other day. I gave him a tour of the place. He indicated so much space would make him feel lonely. While it may be more than I need, I've never felt lonely in it. My condo has been the one unchanging constant since my divorce. People have come and gone, but the condo and I remain. 

Choice

They say misery loves company
We could start a company and make misery

Frustrated, Incorporated
I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you'd pay to see
Put me out of my misery
I'd do it for you. Would you do it for me?
We will always be busy making misery.

I know this post is taking on both sides of the conversation in my head. I read a platitude today, train yourself to take nothing personally to save yourself from 99% of mental problems. It can be hard not to take something personally when it affects me adversely. I try to think of it this way, people make choices. It doesn't mean that one choice is better than the other, just different.

Sometimes though, I find myself hoping their choices turn out to be wrong or worse than the option that includes me. I should be hoping for the best for them (see the above platitude), but misery likes company. Maybe that is why they made the choice they did.

Now, did you satisfy your greed?

Get what you need?

Was it only envy?

So empty

Frustrated, Incorporated...Misery, Soul Asylum

Just Don't Need It All

He wants to dream like a young man

With the wisdom of an old man

He wants his home and security

He wants to live like a sailor at sea

Beautiful loser, where you gonna fall?

You realize you just can't have it all

He's your oldest and your best friend
If you need him, he'll be there again
He's always willing to be second best
A perfect lodger, a perfect guest
Beautiful loser, read it on the wall
And realize you just can't have it all
You can't have it all. You can't have it all
Oh, oh, can't have it all...Beautiful Loser, Bob Seger

I have had much on my mind lately, but I have not been able to articulate it. When I go to dinner with Sam, I am silent. I've noticed I gravitate to a certain type of person, whether it is a woman or a man, they tend to have issues that trigger my deep-rooted childhood.

A coworker said to me today, "You are lucky I like you."

I replied, "No, you are lucky I like you. Whether you like me or not has no bearing on my job."

I have not heard from Ava in two weeks. It will be interesting to see how long it will be before she reappears. If she even does at all. Hopefully, she gets this new job sorted out and makes time to slip away.

Tinkerbell called me twice last night. She received a bad review from her bosses. The major complaint was that she didn't get along with her coworkers. Tink is a good worker. Her staff like her. The people in her groups like her. The managers on the same level as her are older. I think they are intimidated by Tinkerbell. Although, getting along with others has never been her strong suit.

I find it disappointing that she ignored me over the holidays only to reach out when she was having a bad day. She didn't mention any other problems, but maybe she is suffering from the same seasonal blues.

Broke Parts

I think Ava did get caught. She just didn't want to tell me. She probably wiggled her way out of it with lies but feels like she is on thin ice. With her uncharacteristic last words, "I'll be in touch." I wouldn't be surprised if she just ghosts me. I would be disappointed but not surprised.

Ironically, I don't have to make these things up. Sunday, I reached out to a girl from SA that I was texting back in September. We once planned to get together for coffee, but she got Covid, and things fizzled at the time. So we never met. 

Summer: I would definitely like a re-do, though, and to get a drink with you sometime!

Bathwater: How is your week looking? I am open except for Wednesday.

Summer: I can do Tuesday. I have to work till around 5:00.

Bathwater: Tuesday works for me. Let's meet at Atomic Coffee in Royal Oak around 6:30. Does that work for you?

Summer: Yes, that will be perfect.

Monday night, I received another message from Summer.

Summer: Hey there! I would like to be upfront about something before we meet tomorrow. I am not sure if I told you before or not, but I'm currently in a relationship in which he does not know I'm on the site on the side.

Is that a problem for you? I can only truly meet on weekdays and stay out till 8-9 ish.

It turns out Summer has been in a relationship for a year and a half. Her availability would be much the same as Ava's. Still, I agreed to get coffee with her Thursday. I do like a puzzle. Am I the only one that finds these woman's actions unusual? Is Summer another narcissist? My lifestyle must expose me to a specific type of woman. 

Sometimes I do feel surrounded by the wrong people. 

We are, we are, we are made from broken parts
We are, we are, we are broken from the start
And our hearts, our hearts, they were beating in the dark
'Cause we are, we are, we are built from broken parts... We Are, Hollywood Undead

Them Shoes

My mind is filled with ghosts
And more than most of all, my love's gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone where I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm livin' in a past life
In a past life, too
It's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So, here's a little feedback

You gotta wear those shoes

I spend my time trying to figure people out. Maybe it is to avoid figuring out myself. I don't think there is much left about me that I don't already know. At my age, there are no significant plans to make any changes. 

We received our first snow last night. It was not enough to cover the ground or the roads, just a harboring of what is to come. It is cold here. It is hard to believe we had temperatures in the sixties just a week ago.

I warned Ava the last time I saw her that she would need to find an excuse to get away between the Christmas and New Year holidays. Otherwise, she would be stuck with him for ten days. Judging from her actions on Halloween, her birthday, and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, she is probably dreading those ten days.

Her desire to distance herself from her boyfriend is apparent. I think it is both conscious and subconscious on her part. I try not to take away much from her wanting to be around me during those days. She is running low on other places she would like to escape. It is a tangled web that will continue playing out, at least until after my surgery.

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
And you have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes... Them Shoes, Patrick Sweany

Hands Down

 Friday, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a local pub and caught up. The discussion turned to music. Jay's wife said, "I like love songs. He doesn't."

Jay piped up and insisted he likes love songs and tried to prove it by pulling up the lyrics to a country song about a guy who loved his ex until the day he died.

"Sounds like a cautionary tale, not a love song," I noted. "I think Dashboard Confessional writes a good love song."

It was the same thing I'd said here before. Neither of them had heard of Dashboard Confessional. I wasn't surprised Jay's favorite band is U2. 

At dinner, I'd go into why I think so.

Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me
This night is wild
So calm and dull
These hearts they race
From self control
Your legs are smooth
As they graze mine
We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer..Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional

His songs remind me of times with Billie. This isn't a sad post reflecting on the past with rose-colored glasses, though. It is just the truth. 

I watch you spin around in your highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel

You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart... Stolen, Dashboard Confessional

I still listen to these songs. I like them. I like love songs. Stolen reminds me of the time Billie and I went to a local festival. Billie wore this long lyrca sundress that hugged every curve. 

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets

But you're not alone, and you're not discreet

Make sure I know who's taking you home

I'm reading your note over again

There's not a word that I comprehend

Except when you signed it

"I will love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs

And sit alone and wonder

How you're making out

And as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone

Making out

And so I am.

I'm missing your laugh

How did it break?

And when did your eyes begin to look fake?

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending...Screaming Infidelities, Dashboard Confessional

Hands down, the best.

Rocks and Islands

On Halloween, Ava texted me. She wanted to get together for dinner. Ava also had to pick up what I could not fit into the truck to move it to the storage unit this afternoon. We don't get kids in the condo complex, and I have never passed out candy here, so I was free.

"Why aren't you passing out candy with your boyfriend?" I ask in the truck on the way to dinner.

"He's Jewish; he doesn't do that sort of thing."

I was unsure what being Jewish had to do with passing out candy, but after asking a few follow-up questions, the only clear thing was that she preferred being out with me to being home. 

Ava made it over early, so we had time for dinner. We don't usually get together on Monday, but Ava seemed full of pent-up energy. We ate dinner at California Pizza Kitchen at an outdoor mall. The restaurant and mall were empty. Everyone was home for Halloween. We had warm weather the past two days, so we walked the mall after dinner. 

When we got back to the condo, Ava sorted through her things, and we loaded her car. After, we headed upstairs for some fun in bed. Ava left around 11:30, stating she was heading back to her boyfriend's house. 

I met Ava the following afternoon at the storage unit to unload her stuff. "Isn't that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?" I asked.

Ava glossed over my comment with an unclear reply. The night before, she indicated she wanted to return to SA to find another outside arrangement. She considers it work and doesn't see how it harms her relationship. I can see a multitude of ways it does.

I have to break from the narrative to discuss my thoughts on this. I have no problem with Ava choosing to pursue arrangements. She makes more money doing that than her other pursuits. It says to me, though, that despite her boyfriend's good qualities, he is not enough. At best, he is a good fallback if, in five years when her options begin to narrow. 

She is opening herself up to better options by continuing to engage in outside relations. I think, at this point, she has lost her ability to pair bond with anyone. Call me old-fashioned, but statistics show the more partners a woman has, the less likely they are to be happy in a relationship. 

I am no different than Ava. I have reduced relationships to commodities. I am not sure if that is due to my experiences or society. Maybe that is one of the reasons we get along. It gives me much to think about. I have been thinking about a few things lately, like closing doors to all the past, to the things that no longer bring me joy.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island

Ava and I moved her belongings into the storage unit. The whole adventure took less than an hour. This morning she promised me no more heavy lifting this year. I replied, "don't make any promises. You will jinx yourself."

"It must be nice not to have any issues," Ava said to me during pillow talk. 

"Yes, it is." 

I used to think not being in a relationship was an issue. I don't see it that way anymore. There are advantages and pitfalls to both scenarios. I have everything I need to be happy, and I can fulfill my own needs.

And a rock feels no pain.

And an island never cries... I Am A Rock, I Am An Island, Simon and Garfunkel 

Times Like These

 Ava came over last night. She arrived late in the evening wearing jeans and a puffy vest. I have not seen her since our trip to Hocking Hills. She is as confused as ever. On the one hand, she tells me she has been looking at apartments, but they are all too expensive. On the other hand, she tells me her boyfriend is pushing her to get married. 

As of now, she is trying to hold him off with excuses, but at some point, as of now, I don't think she will refuse. She feels like she can continue getting together with me and still wants that. Her mother and boyfriend keep asking Ava when she will get a full-time job. They keep wondering how she can afford to spend money if she isn't working. Something tells me they are suspicious. I'm sure her mother knows. 

I am sure the boyfriend will keep blindly pushing his agenda because he thinks it works for him. It doesn't seem like an ideal relationship. They still argue constantly, but Ava blames that somewhat on herself. I know what is going on in Ava's mind. She thinks maybe her boyfriend is the best she can do and doesn't want to lose that opportunity, but financially he doesn't fit into her long-term goals, and she is not ready to settle down. She will straddle the fence as long as possible.

I think she would be happier pursuing what she wants, but Ava won't take that path unless she is forced. I don't see her getting caught, though. Which is hard for me to understand. I am on the outside and know what she does, but I cannot see how he hasn't figured it out. If it was me, I would have long ago. 

They say women have an easier time concealing affairs. The man in the matter is less likely to stir up trouble because he wants his continued access to sex. When a guy has an affair, the woman is more likely to want to be with that guy long-term and will make waves in his relationship. 

I see some validity in this. I will not be telling Ava's boyfriend what she has been doing. However, when I discuss the situation with Sam, she feels he should know. I think he should be able to figure it out himself. All he would have to do is drive over to her mom's house and find her car missing. Our trip to Hocking Hills should have clued him in. Ava said they didn't even discuss it when she returned. I do wish things would change. Ava and I could be having much more fun.

Ava took a shower. After, we ate pizza in bed while watching a show on Netflix. We had sex until after midnight, then curled up and fell asleep. Around 5:00 am, we started dry humping each other and had sex again. 

I left her sleeping in bed in the morning while I began working from home and writing this post. I will need to find a replacement at some point. The long winter months will have me itching for an extended vacation. Ava isn't able to do that at the moment. 

I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
Ah-ah-ahh

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again...Times Like These, Foo Fighters

Round Here

The Lego project is proceeding on schedule. I took a break the last two days to clean the house and organize my workspace. Max wants to sell his car and get a different one. Part of me agrees, but I don't have the stomach to start looking for a decent replacement. I am letting him do the leg work and will see what he finds. I just paid $5000 for his next semester of college. I am not looking forward to spending more on another car. I would instead take Ava to Hawaii.

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge
Of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

Ava came over last night wearing high-waisted black jean shorts and a pastel pink bralette. She looked pretty. I slipped my hand into the waistband of her shorts and pulled her in for a kiss. I showed Ava some of my progress on the display before we settled down on the couch to chat.

She parks her car outside of my house
And takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

The more the evening progressed, the more I noticed Ava seemed preoccupied. She has a job interview today. That is part of the reason, but Ava is also not where she wants to be in life. She is dreading her thirtieth birthday coming up in November.

She stated she had nothing big planned to mark the occasion. 

"I had the perfect trip planned," I tell her. "You went and spoiled it."

Ava is a mash-up of contradictions. For instance, she wants to buy her boyfriend something for their three-month anniversary but still refuses to call his house home or do her laundry there. Ava says she needs to be with someone with a high libido but then indicated she stopped initiating sex with the boyfriend because he refused to have sex with her during her period. She still claims our arrangement is the one good thing she has going.

Ava is lying on her belly in the center of the bed. She is naked except for the teal-colored tee shirt of mine she always borrows when she stays the night.

"Do you think I should be with someone who accepts me for who I am or someone who challenges me.?" She asks.  

I roll over onto her. Sitting on her thighs, I begin to massage her back while I try to formulate an answer. 

"I don't think it is that simple. You should be with someone that accepts you. You don't want to be with someone trying to change you. You should have that lifeline of acceptance to fall back on, but you should also have someone you can grow with."

I think she was saying that this current guy takes care of her and puts up with her quirks, but he doesn't challenge her or help her accomplish her goals. 

And then there is the biggest contradiction of all: she still comes to see me. I no longer bring it up anymore. It all makes sense the more I get to know her. I am unsure if she is self-sabotaging her relationship or if it is just her overall inability to commit. If I had to guess, I would say it is a combination of the two that keeps her justifying her actions.

Seeing me makes her happy, and she doesn't want to lose that. I don't think she would see breaking up with this boyfriend as a loss of the same significance. Which reaffirms my belief in not getting into a serious relationship.

She says it's only in my head.
She says, shh, I know it's only in my head...Round Here, Counting Crows

Survival

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Ava strolled in after eight. I put aside the Legos I was working with upstairs and joined her in the kitchen. She brought dinner for herself, sushi from her favorite restaurant. Early I had indicated I had already eaten. 

I talked about the latest book I just finished, which leads us on different tangents. When I get time, I will read parts of The Ape Who Understood the Universe again. I don't do it justice in conversation. It is fun to watch Ava get fired up on topics like health and fitness. Her voice gets louder, she starts talking fast, and she is more animated.

Ava looks at her watch, "It's after nine. We should head upstairs." She heads for the bathroom in the spare bedroom, which she has subtly filled with her own products, to take a shower. Later, I tell her she is still nesting here. Ava denies my comment, but not that she has made the bathroom her own.

She is gone longer than usual. I am already lying in bed in semi-darkness when she is finished. "Did you get distracted in there?" I ask.

"I cut myself shaving," Ava tells me. "It took forever to stop the bleeding."

"Honey, you could throw yourself on the bed straight from the street. I wouldn't kick you off.."

"You going to let me tie you to the bed tonight?" I ask purely out of habit.

Between kisses, she responds, "someday," with a smile.

It takes a moment for me to switch gears from conversing to passion. Ava tells me this is the best sex she has ever had. I have no complaints. I think part of the allure comes from the fact we only get to see each other a few times each month.

"I know. I am the best boyfriend you never had," I say. "Can you name one thing you don't like?" The whole time we have seen each other, I have never heard her express an attraction toward something I was lacking. 

She has to think about the question before responding. "You still keep in touch with your exes."

"True, but I wouldn't jeopardize what I have over the past." 

She retells a short conversation she had with her current boyfriend. This seems to be an issue he has.

Ava doesn't think she can continue seeing me until the end of the year. I believe that is an arbitrary time frame she has constructed in her head-- a justification. I'll just continue seeing Bathwater until the end of the year because I need to save money. Perhaps that's true. Ava can be stubborn when she wants. Time will tell.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversations?
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me

"You can do whatever you want," I suggest. Like Ava, it seems easy for me to brush off the morality of it. Survival trumps morality in this case. Survival is a basic instinct. Morality is a social construct. Ava is stuck between what she wants to do and what she feels she needs to do. 

We lay on top of the covers. It is late, and a cool breeze drifts in from the doorwall. Ava's head rests on my chest, and I feel her floating in and out of sleep. I roll on top of her and kiss my way down her torso one last time before she goes to clean up.

Downstairs, we make plans to get together in the following weeks. I hold Ava close, kissing her and giving her butt a squeezy before she races off.

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

And did you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

And now you're lonely looking for yourself out there... Drops Of Jupiter, Train

Slow Spinning Redemption

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right; I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

Saturday was the memorial for Sam's father, who passed away earlier in the year. We had beautiful weather. I told Sam I would pick her up and be her chauffeur for the day. I helped set up the hall and made myself useful while staying out of the way. After the memorial, I stuck with Sam and went to her sister's house, where she was getting together with the rest of her family. I wanted to ensure she was okay and safe on such an emotional day.

That night, I received a 2:00 am call from Tinkerbell. She was out drinking with Tech and some friends. Her thoughts often drift to me when she is drunk and feeling unhappy. One of the things she said to me was, "You are my home."

Tink is not close to her family, and I consider her my fourth child. Anyone who has read my book knows we have had a long and complicated relationship. She is one of the few people I can talk to for hours on the phone. Her sense of humor makes me a funnier person.

Sunday, Sam and I went to an art fair in Saint Clair. It was held in the park along the riverfront. When I recounted the story to Sam, she said, "I wouldn't be surprised in the future if she winds up on your doorstep." 

I would not be surprised, though I don't expect it to happen until T-Rex graduates from high school. He has two more years. 

Ava texted me on Tuesday, "Hey, I might be back for a day this weekend. Are you available to meet this Sunday?"

"Yes, I would love to see you Sunday. I can arrange to be around."

"I will let you know more, either today or tomorrow," she continued.

"Wonderful, I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad I will get to see you soon."

She ended the conversation with a 100% emoji, a heart, and a cute emoji that looked like her with the words back at you.

I don't deny that I have left an impact on other people. Rather than accepting it unconditionally, I often question the motives or meaning. I don't think doing so is terrible, but it stems from a lack of confidence in myself and who I am. 

Billie said to me during our last exchange, "...you really do deserve someone who cares about you for who you are because you are a great person. You were such a positive person in my life, even though I was not.. at all. I'm glad I reached out too because I saw you as someone I would want to stay in touch with."

There is a term used in the manosphere, alpha widow. It can be defined as follows: 

An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact on her life.

But that impact can be sexual, financial, emotional, or any combination of what makes him who he is. I do not call myself an alpha male as defined by the manosphere. I have been a blue pill beta most of my dating life, though I have come to appreciate and embrace many of the ideas. They call those guys the top 20 percenters. In other words, the top 20% in looks, status, and frame. I consider myself in the top 30%, which is a difficult position. I am close, but not close enough.

Sometimes though, I don't think I give myself enough credit for my impact on others. 

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

Tonight, Tonight

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel

Tuesday, the temperatures crept up into the mid-nineties. I worked in the office in the morning. In the afternoon, I did a product review at a customer's house instead of his office. It was hot, but it didn't take too long, and his house was only ten minutes from my condo, so I finished the day from home.

I ordered dinner for Ava and me from her favorite restaurant, and she picked it up on the way to the condo. Ava arrived about 7:30 pm. It was still ninety-four outside. "Boy, if I knew UberEats drivers were this cute, I'd be using the service more," I tell Ava as she enters. 

She is wearing a peach-colored jumper and is carrying the paper bag with our sushi order. We discuss the benefits of fasting and using a sauna while we eat. Ava is knowledgeable on a wide variety of health-related issues. It is her passion. I tell her she should use her knowledge to help others. 

Ava tells me she would feel like a fraud because she is not where she wants to be, but her standards are too high. She is in excellent shape and eats healthier than anyone I know. Plus, it is her passion. She spent the last ten years researching healthy foods, exercise, and mindfulness.

We talk of taking a walk after dinner, but the temperature is still ninety, so we watch documentaries on the couch. We watch one on the college admissions scandal and another on the failed Fyre concert. Both are lessons in greed, privilege, and how terrible people think.

After the shows, we sat on the couch, huddled beneath a blanket. The condo was in a delicate balance between being too cold downstairs and too warm upstairs. We discussed her relationship. Ava seemed to need to unload her concerns and frustrations. I try to offer incites into his thinking as well as her own. Then suggest we head upstairs.

It was close to midnight, but we were not in a rush because Ava was staying the night. "I'll say one more thing," I told her, "before I close my counseling office for the night and ravish you." The tidbit of advice escapes me now. I was already concentrating on kissing my way down her torso.

"You going to let me tie you to the bed tonight?" I ask.

"Someday." It is her standard reply, but I keep asking because I know she will say yes one day.

"What will you do when you can't see me anymore?" I ask her during a lull in the action.

"I am going to have to start a blog, write about our encounter as fantasies, hand it to him and say this is what I want," she says with a laugh. 

We have sex till we are both exhausted and end up with her on top of me in a tight embrace. "We should have stayed downstairs. I could have bent you over the couch."

"Sure!" 

"You say yes, to that, but you won't let me tie you to the bed? They say if you ask for an outrageous thing, people are more inclined to submit to lesser requests. That must be it."

Ava laughs and agrees with me. "Yep, that's it."

I go to clean up while Ava checks her phone. Ava's mother is blowing her up on Snapchat. Ava was with her mother earlier and told her she was sleeping at a friend's place. Her mother was not buying Ava's story and called her out. Ava's mother could see her location on Snapchat and knew Ava was at my place. Ava was caught lying. Something she says she doesn't do with her mother.  

"If your location is on in Snapchat, you have bigger issues than your mother," I tell her. 

Ava says no, and shows me that only her mother can see her location. Ava was upset with herself for not covering her tracks better and was thinking of ways to justify her actions. We are both naked on the bed. Ava rests her head in my lap. She wants to go shower but is reluctant to move while I am gently stroking her hair and side.

"I am sorry I am so much trouble for you," I tell her.

"It's not your fault," she replies. I know this to be true. These issues are something she willingly creates for herself.

After she showers, we are together again beneath the covers. Ava is on her side, reading something on her phone. "What are you looking at?" I ask.

She explains they are justifications for her actions. It is a list of statements, but the print is too small for me to make out any words. The last one she says is significant. It has something to do with addiction. I didn't press her on why it was relevant.  Though now, looking back, I wish I had. Ava doesn't have any addictions. She doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. She even keeps her love of dark chocolate at bay. 

Is sex her addiction? She says she was a virgin till the age of twenty-four and doesn't seem to have the experience of a sexoholic. Early in our relationship, I once said to her, "I don't know if I am fifty shades of greying you or if you have more experience than you let on." I still think it is the former. If it is her addiction, I feel she can reel it in at any time. At least momentarily. So I treat each time we get together as if it will be our last.

Still, I am thinking back to the words of the Psychic. When she said emphatically, "If Ava ever says she can't see you anymore, she'll be back."

Ava compares potential suitors against her list of requirements: do they have a good job, are they rich,  are they close to her family, are they good to her, etc. Genuine desire seems low on her list. 

I know I check off everything on her list, including desire. All except one. I am too old to be a suitable long-term partner. I am okay with that. I am not looking to have that type of relationship with her or anyone else, for that matter. The more I experience, the less appealing it becomes. 

I sleep soundly for four hours. When I wake, the room feels warm, and I turn down the temperature using my phone. I stroke Ava's round butt until she starts slowly moving with the rhythm of my hand. I become aroused. Ava doesn't protest when I enter her from behind and quietly moans with each stroke. 

I roll Ava onto her stomach. My movements become more urgent, and I cum quickly. I kiss her on the cheek and whisper softly to her.  Ava is content and goes back to sleep while I go check my emails. I took the day off, but my job is often a 24/7 activity.

Later, we take separate showers and meet up downstairs. "We should get you something to eat," I say.

"Thanks, but I have to get home and do damage control," she tells me. 

It was only nine in the morning. "I was hoping you could stay longer," I say, but I don't protest further. I could tell the upcoming conversation with her mother was preoccupying her mind.

Lately, I think our encounters leave Ava with conflicting thoughts. Those will continue until she is forced to make a choice. I understand why she is reluctant to choose, but I keep my opinions to myself.

She discusses plans for meeting again before she leaves. "I don't think I can make the weekend of the 8th work, but we'll see. If not, the second weekend in July should be okay."

"That's fine. Just let me know." I never press her to make time for me. I just let things play out.

We linger briefly in the garage, hugging and kissing before she leaves. "Keep in touch," I say to her. "Don't disappear."

We'll crucify the insincere tonight.
(Tonight)
We'll make things right; we'll feel it all tonight
(Tonight)
We'll find a way to offer up the night
(Tonight)
The indescribable moments of your life
(Tonight)
The impossible is possible tonight
(Tonight)

Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight
Tonight, tonight... Tonight, Tonight, Smashing Pumpkins

My Thoughts

 I don't blame Ava for making the decision she did. She is getting everything she wants right now. Well, almost everything. The fact she admits to wanting to change him and that she wants to continue seeing me despite the fact it would jeopardize the relationship suggests some things are missing.

Ava has a strong personality and can positively influence a person. She changed some of my habits just through her presence, but this new boyfriend was complacent before meeting Ava. He was overweight and didn't take care of himself or his home. Relationships tend to make a person complacent, though, and like I told her, he probably thinks he won the prize, and the race is over. It's not.

I've come to understand female nature better in the last two years by reading and analyzing past relationships and the women around me. Ava is a textbook example. I am not saying she is a bad person. On the contrary, I like Ava. She is a lot of fun to be around. Without feeling I've been taken advantage of, I've taken away some valuable lessons from her and had great experiences. I'm sad to see it ending so soon.

I wish I learned these things earlier in life, but back then the information was not as readily available. It is a shame most of our knowledge comes through living experiences. I envy those who learn things at a young.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes...When You Were Young, The Killers