The Weekend

 Saturday, Tinkerbell and her boyfriend brought T-Rex across town to spend time with his girlfriend before he goes away to camp for six weeks. T-Rex met his girlfriend at the Fishfly Festival, Tinkerbell, her boyfriend, and I tagged along to the festival.

The day was humid and overcast, but we did not get the rain that flood Detroit just thirty minutes away. In the city, they received 6 inches of rain in twenty-four hours. Many of the freeways were still flood Monday, and more rain in on the way.

Fifteen-year-old T-Rex is over 6 feet tall.  He is a good-looking gangly kid who towers over his short curly hair girlfriend. The Fishfly festival was lame this year. Probably partly to do with the limited time they had to organize it this year. I must admit, it isn't very exciting on a good year.  We sat outside and had drinks while the kids walked up and down the two blocks of carnival rides. Even the kids got bored quickly and headed off to her house.

The three of us entertained ourselves by walking past Tinkerbell's old condo and making rude comments about the new owner's lack of upkeep.

Sunday, I had a video call with Firefly for thirty minutes. The call starts, and I see what looks like a break room with closed doors in the background and a staircase leading to the second level of closed doors. Firefly comes bounding down the staircase and picks up a phone. She is centered on my phone.

She has a smile on her face. She looks healthy. She has "prison make-up" around her eyes, made from color pencils. She says that is what you do when you are bored. She is hoping the judge signs off on her request to go to rehab Monday (today). Then she will be transferred directly to rehab from the jail. She can walk out of rehab, but she would have a warrant out for her arrest.

She doesn't seem to want this.  It isn't going to be a fancy rehab like the ones she has attended in Florida, Texas, and most recently in Las Vegas, but she sounds determined to stay there for thirty to ninety days. Her determination is due to wanting to avoid further time in jail. At some point, I hope it shifts to wanting to enjoy other things in life.

Sick Of The Drive

 After successfully doing my job from home for over a year, I find driving into the office to be soul-crushing. My goal is to find a more progressive-thinking company. The truck will be paid off two years from now, and I hope to have most of what is left on my mortgage paid off.  Once that is complete, I will be willing to take a pay cut to enjoy a little more flexibility.

The older I get, the less patience I have for things that don’t make sense. Fighting traffic and sitting in a cubicle because someone thinks I am more productive is ridiculous. My boss is trying to engage with people. He is trying to make it appear as if we can collaborate better in the office.  There are forty people in our office. I will discuss work with anyone I need to discuss things with, but I only engage regularly with two people.

Today is Friday, one of the last official work from home days I am taking, although you can bet there will be many unofficial ones. You won't find me driving through winter snowstorms to get to a cubicle. Yes, I know the truck can climb Mt. Everest, but why should I battle the other people on the road. I have done my part to raise this issue with management. I don't think anyone disagrees. A few are afraid to speak up. 

I think it is all about timing. When they start major road construction in front of our office. I will again be questioning the sense of coming in every day.

The Verdict, for Now

 Firefly's hearing was today. The judge did not reduce her bond. It would still cost $2000 to bail her out and the person could be on the hook for $20,000 if she didn't show up for her court date. I am not signing up for that. The judge assigned her case to drug court. It will take some time for the paperwork to go through. She will be in jail until then.

Firefly was not happy when I indicated I would not be bailing her out. 

"I'm sorry dear. I am not signing up to that," I intoned. 

"No, you are not sorry. Obviously, you don't care about me."

"That's not true but you can think what you want."

I never paid that much to bail Billie out, and Firefly is not Billie. I think jail is the safest place for her right now. Who knows what she is really thinking. She sounds more like an addict who wants to get out and score than a person suffering in jail. A few more weeks of forced sobriety can only help. It is time to do a little growing up and perhaps find some humility. 

I feel anything I do for her is out of the goodness of my heart. I am not getting anything out of it. Her previous actions don't merit any favors. Still, I wish it worked out better for her.

Slow News Day

My book is part of a free Amazon Prime giveaway for anyone with a Kindle. You can't lose :).

I am convinced my staircase will be the death of me. My cat will trip me during one of my late-night descents, and I will break my neck. The cat will proceed to sustain herself by feed off the body until the corpse is found. Just saying.

On father's day, Max came over. he ordered food, and we played Warhammer 40k. I won, although it was close.

I'm still not a big fan of the game, but I think that is partly because I don't want to start painting my own figures. I have enough unfinished hobbies around the house. 

I feel I need to make a list of home improvements to tackle this year.  Minor repairs mostly, but I won't start anything inside until the end of summer or the fall. I don't plan on moving soon, but it doesn't hurt to keep the place up. 

Car Update

 I found Firefly's car.  It is in a Walmart parking lot just not the one she told me.  This Walmart is two miles south of the one she told me on the same road.  That right, it isn't only in the south that there is a Walmart on every corner. I still don't have a key, but the mother of the guy she was with is getting his stuff today and I think he was in possession of it. 

I did look inside the car. It was filled with her clothes, drugs, and trash. I am going to try moving it today.  I am not sure whether I will put it at my house or her parents. Everyone is suggesting not to bail her out. I am leaning that way also. I do not know what she is thinking or if she could possibly control herself long enough to get to rehab.

I feel like I have given her enough help. At this point, nothing would benefit me. It is sad but true. I went into this arrangement thinking it would be good for both of us. It hasn't helped her and it certainly hasn't done much for me. The court will mandate rehab. I am not sure if they will hold her until they find a spot. She could find a spot quicker on her own, but they won't allow her to go out of state. Guess we will know more on Tuesday.

Melancholy Friday

 I have started weaning off the Prednisone. I can feel its effects mentally. At least I know what is causing my depressive mood and poor sleep. Last night I dreamed of Billie. A depressive vignette of us reconnecting that I found myself diving back into over and over.

I remember the stupid things, the mood rings, the bracelets, and the beads
Nickels and dimes, yours and mine, did you cash in on your dreams?
You don't dream for me, no.
You don't dream for me, no.
But I still feel you pulsing like sonar from the days in the waves
That girl is like a sunburn
I would like to save
That the girl is like a sunburn
I would like to save
She's like a sunburn
She's like a sunburn.

I was listening to this song during my workout this morning and thinking about the past. This time each year, the small town near me, New Baltimore, has a Fishfly Festival.  It celebrates the coming out of the ground of the fishflys. A harmless little bug that lives for a day but swarms every light source at night and smells like a fish.

One year Billie and I went to the Fishfly carnival. She wore this blue patterned full-length lycra summer dress that clung to every curve of her body. /Her blond hair was short above her shoulders. She looked amazing. I will never forget that dress or the way it fit her.

Firefly is still in jail. Her court date is Tuesday, the twenty-second, but she does not feel like she will be released. She hopes the judge will send her to rehab, but that takes time and could keep her in jail for weeks. She thinks the judge will lower her bond. It would have to be very low before I consider bailing her out. I miss having the little muppet around, though, especially on days like today.

There's every good reason for letting you go

She's sneaky and smoked out

And it's starting to show

I'll never let you go.

I'll never let you go... Never Let You Go, Third Eye Blind

Business as Usual

 Well, things are almost back to normal. Yesterday, I spent the day in rural Michigan, or as I like to call it, 'the land of churches, Dollar stores, and cemeteries.' This was a work trip to our manufacturing facility to review the plant with six people from one of our customers. Few people are wearing masks, which is okay if you have been vaccinated.  It is amazing how many people in the red portion of my state have been vaccinated. Insert eye-roll here 🙄.

The steroids have not helped with the pressure or the ringing in my ear yet. I took two a day for a week. Tomorrow I start weaning back to one a day. I have good days and bad days but no silent days.

Max took down his TikTok account. He says it was a 'cringy community,' so he got bored of it. He does get bored of things easily. Seem to be a lot of people on there starving for attention and their fifteen minutes of fame. What has society come to?

My manager went with me on this work trip. I used the time alone on the 2.5-hour drive to put in a few jabs about us being back in the office full time. They seemed to roll off his back. He is a bachelor and lives ten minutes from the office. I think he likes coming into the office—besides, no one questions when he takes off early or works from home. So far, that actually goes for all of us. Everyone is silently doing what they need to do, just as long as it is not extreme—business as usual. 

Ringing In The Ear

Meniere's disease is the diagnosis for my ear. They put me on steroids, and I have an MRI scheduled in July.  It is the type of disease they don't know much about and don't have many solutions to.  It is a build-up of fluid in the inner ear, the cochlea.  The steroids don't seem to be helping yet.

More details from Firefly's arrest. She was arrested at Walmart for shoplifting. She had the drugs on her when they searched her. Stupid is as stupid does. Her car was left in the Walmart parking lot, but she had the only key. It was not in her possessions when I retrieved them from the jail.  The key could be with his possessions. I might try to get those, but there is no hurry at this point. The car was in the parking lot Saturday, but this morning it was gone. The police have no record of it being impounded. It might have been stolen, or something else might be going to I do not know about. Either way, I am not going to look further into it until they get out.

Her phone was not among her possessions either. I feel like she is back to stage one, back to where she was a year ago. All the help I have provided has gotten her nowhere. I am not sure what the future holds for her.  I hope she surrenders to the process and gets her shit straight. 

Familiar Details

Tinkerbell is an internet sleuth. When I told her Firefly was arrested, she found Firefly and the boyfriend on the county inmate tracker during her lunch break. It wasn't a challenge. Firefly is in the county jail, which means she did not get arrested in Detroit.  They were probably pulled over on the return. Suburban police wait on the main roads coming out of the city to pull over suspected addicts.

Firefly is being held with a $20,000 bond. There is no 10% which means someone would have to post the entire $20,000 to get her out of jail until her court date. I don't see that happening. I actually think jail is a good place for her. If she survives detoxing cold turkey, she will be clean before her first court date on the twenty-first.

The boy has a $10,500 bond. $10,000 is from the current offense, and $500 is 10% of either a probation violation or a warrant out for his arrest.  I can only speculate. He looks like he was doing a lot of thinking in his mugshot.

For those of you who read my book, this all sounds very familiar.  Excerpt from my memoir, Lost and Found In Glitter.

Another Arrest (Recreated from Court Records and Memory)

Unposted: April 8, 2014

In the spring of 2014, Billie lived with her parents. LLL was out of the picture for good. He lost his house and was living with his parents. Billie worked the day shift at Penthouse. I went into the club to see her. She was a brat that day, but I could not understand why. She agreed to come back to my condo but tried to ditch me on the road. We ended up in a car chase through the city of Detroit and back to her parent's house. We were arguing outside their home when the police showed up. I am not sure whether her mom or the neighbors called the police.

Billie went inside the house. One office went to talk to her. The other spoke to me briefly and suggested it would be best if I left. I got into my Challenger and drove the hour home.

Later, Billie told me what happened next. She was sitting on her couch in the living room. The office saw her shove a baggy full of dope between the sofa cushions, and she got arrested. She couldn't avoid being arrested. She had a warrant for not obeying her previous arrest terms, but the dope added a second possession charge. This time there was no bail, and they sent her to Wayne county jail in downtown Detroit.

I was partially to blame for her arrest. She remained in the Wayne county jail for over a month. Billie felt like her parents weren't helping her. I got her a lawyer and paid off her outstanding fines. She was sentenced to probation and a drug rehab program, but she went to neither. The day she got out of jail, she used. She returned to stripping a few days after, but jail scared her, and things slowly changed. This was the turning point of our relationship.

*     *     *

Unlike Billie and me, this will not be a turning point for Firefly and me. I understand Harvey's question now. While I should have gone to AlAnon during my time with Billie, I am glad we had the time together we did. I needed it as much as she. Firefly, on the other hand, only benefits from being around me when it helps me. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon.

"We think we are out to find partners that will make us feel happy, but we are not. We are out to find partners that feel familiar. And that may be a very different thing. Because familiarity may be bound up in particular types of torture (from our childhood). We pick partners that make us suffer in the ways we need to suffer in order to feel that love is real." Alain de Botton

I feel I've come a long way just being able to understand that quote. I imagine the guy Billie is with and I would have a lot in common.

Arrested Development

 I've wanted to post more, but going back to the office full time has left me busy adjusting. There is a lot I would like to write about. My past few posts do not do the events justice. They are rushed. I was trying to cover too much at once. This one might also.

Last night I went to over to Alexis' house for a haircut. Sam came home early from work, and the three of us sat outside in the garage talking after. Sam has not been in a good mood lately. She is dealing with cleaning out her dead father's house. I have helped her when I can. Last week I tore a wooden bar about in the basement, and Monday night, we dragged the pieces out to the curb for the trashmen to pick up.

We stayed out talking past 9:30, but I was getting tired and hungry, so I left for home. On the ride home, I got a text message from Firefly's pseudo boyfriend's mom.

Dot: I'm sure you've heard about the two of them getting arrested. My other son is getting married this weekend--so sad this had to happen at a happy time.

Bathwater: No, I did not hear that. When did this happen?

Bathwater: The last time I saw either of them was late Saturday night when he drove her here in her car to get some of her things.

Dot: Last night. (Monday)

Bathwater: Wow. Sorry. Neither of them is a saint, but they are worse together.

Dot: Sorry for you too. Thanks.

Firefly was supposed to be going to rehab. I am not sure what went wrong. Either she was lying, or her parents would not pay for the flight. 

In my comments, Harvey from the blog Brain Dump asked me, The last time someone suggested that you go to Al-Anon, how did you respond?

No one has ever suggested that to me. I don't have any addictions. Which does not mean I do not have any issues. I empathize with people with substance abuse issues, but I believe they can be controlled with help. Billie and Firefly never wanted me to go with them to an AA meeting, usually because they had no intention of going themselves.

I do feel sorry for Firefly, but she has had plenty of help and has squandered it. She needs to learn things the hard way. 

From the Ashes

Saturday, Max, his girlfriend, and I braved the hot afternoon sun and headed to the cemetery to meet with my brothers and their wives to inter my father’s ashes.  It was an anticlimactic affair. We did not arrange for a service or rent a chapel.

We dressed casually, so did my older brother and his wife. My younger brother, his wife, and my nephew dressed up in matching purple with dress shirts and ties.  I find my younger brother’s family odd. They go everywhere as a unit. They are vegans but not the healthy kind.  They put on more than a few pounds during the covid lockdown, except for my nephew, who is vegan and has celiac disease. I imagine he doesn’t eat anything at all.

It was close to 90 degrees outside, but the cemetery was busy. I found that unusual. Mostly, they look empty when you drive by. Seems people were dying to get in this one.  I don’t understand why. It is costly to place even ashes on the site. I told Max, “When I am dead, just cremate me and toss the ashes under the nearest tree.”

It cost $850 to open the wall. Considering it only takes a step ladder, screw drive, and caulk gun, I would do it for half the price. My older brother and his wife said a prayer as the granite faceplate was replaced. The rest of us just stood around awkwardly. My father might not have approved, but I don’t believe his life force is attached to those ashes.

The family wanted to eat at Oliver Garden after. I m not close to my brothers. Now that dad is gone, I will probably see them once a year or less. I cannot explain why. I am sure it has to do with the way we were raised. When we arrived at Oliver Garden, they told us it would be an hour and a half wait for a party of eight. So I opted not to stay. We stopped at the Dairy Queen drive-through on the way home instead.

Late Saturday night, Firefly stopped by to pick up the few things she left behind. She has been gone since we returned from our Soaring Eagle vacation. She was on a bender adding a synthetic Xanax her pseudo boyfriend get off the dark web to her usual mix of fentanyl and crack.  Firefly brought him with her. He was only moderately less high. The boyfriend doesn’t think he has a problem because he functions. If you consider being unemployed and having a suspended license functioning.

Firefly was too fucked up to drive. She was full of lies and looked like hell. She has since dropped off from posting on social media. I figure she is either dead or back in rehab. Firefly was looking to go to a place in Florida. I was disappointed in how she left things.

“Take your shit. I am done with you,” was the last thing I text her.

A Decade Under the Influence

Ah, ah, when I was younger
I, I should have known better
And I can feel no remorse
And you don't feel nothing back

I don't remember the anniversary of the day I got married. The day passes each year without a thought, but the Friday before Memorial Day always lingers in my mind. It was the day I met Billie. She is fading from my heart and my thoughts. Our brief conversation last month was not enough to keep me dwelling on her for long. It is hard to believe a decade has passed—a decade under the influence.

Friday, Firefly and I were driving back from our Soaring Eagle vacation. The day was cool and cloudy. I didn't reminisce about the past. Firefly is reluctant to go back to rehab. She said it in words, and she says it in her actions. I pushed the issue with her this morning before leaving for work. We are drawn together out of comfort. This is not the situation either of us wants. It is good enough for now, so we settle.

And I don't feel nothing at all
And you can't feel nothing small

I think we serve a purpose for each other beyond the physical and financial. Firefly puts my relationship with Billie into focus. Being with Firefly is like looking into a funhouse mirror. She is a distorted image of the past. For her, I think it helps her reevaluate her relationship with her father.

I am restless and putting on weight. I feel like being unconstrained for the summer—being on my own. It is peculiar. Typically, I don't like being alone, but I have noticed I am more productive when alone—just a  new observation, another change.

Thoughts of Billie don't stir the same emotions within me. Age and experience eroded my youth and naivety. That is not a good thing. 

Honey, I love you, that's all she wrote.

Oh, Ophelia, you've been on my mind, girl like a drug
Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love...Ophelia, The Lumineers

Soaring Eagle

 I'm back. Back home and back to the office.

Last Wednesday, Firefly and I packed up some clothes and head out to Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. It was Firefly’s birthday, she turned twenty-one. Going north up I-75 can be busy during the holiday weekend, but it was no problem Wednesday afternoon. The weather was not on our side during our three-day trip.  It was cold and rainy. We made the best of it.  We checked into our hotel, changed, and headed to the casino for dinner.

The casino is following the latest CDC guidelines. If you are vaccinated, you don’t need to wear a mask. No one checks for a vaccination card. We stayed in a hotel a mile away from the Soaring Eagle Casino. Though she gambled and drank illegally while we were in Las Vegas back in December, she wanted to experience it legally.

Firefly dressed casually in jeans, a white spaghetti strap crop top, and a pink pastel jacket. I wore jeans and a polo. Firefly signed up for the players club and received $10 in free play.  I received $10 for referring her. We decided to eat at a bar off the casino.  They were still serving a limited menu. After dinner, we tried few slot machines without any luck before Firefly decided she wanted to try roulette.

We stopped at a roulette table without any other patrons. I handed the operator a $100 and told him to split it between us. Both the operator and I tried explaining the different ways to beat. The operator even offered up his own strategy. I lost my $50 using my own lack of system, but Firefly kept hitting, and we walked away from the table, $65 ahead.  After a few more plays at the slots, we walked away even the first day.

The next day we drove into Midland, Michigan. We visited the Tridge.  Three bridges that connect over the Tittabawassee River. It was last year about this time that the river flooded and covered the area we were visiting. We ate lunch downtown. The sky threatened rain the entire time. We took a quick swim and a nap at the hotel before heading back to the casino.

The second night I sat down in front of a $3 max bet slot machine and started playing.  I started winning right away. Firefly reluctantly sat in front of the machine next to me. She was not having any luck at slot machines, but both machines were hitting that night. She walked away with $160, and I won $90. I would say that it is a successful trip to the casino. It covered our drinks and food and only cost me the price of the room.

We headed home Friday. We skipped stopping off at Frankenmuth, Michigan. The weather was too cold. Traffic was light heading south, but going north, the holiday travelers were backing up in areas.  We were glad we planned the trip to miss the rush. We spent the holiday weekend close to home.  I did some work for the twins and for Alexis, but otherwise, we remained low profile.