After visiting Joshua tree National Park yesterday we are off to the sketchiest part of our trip. We will be spending the next three days, including New Years, in Las Vegas. I would like to visit some areas but I also want to try to remain safe. Previously we managed to avoid crowds and visit national parks. Las Vegas will be different. I will let you know how it goes.
Here are a couple images from Joshua Tree.
Firefly is a stereo typical example of what is wrong with girls of her generation. She is cute, but not exceptional. She spends her time online looking for validation, stemming from insecurity. She has an OnlyFans account. She expects guys to send her money to see seminude and nude images of her. Some actually do, but not enough to make a living from. Is it worth having yourself naked all over the internet?
She lives with me and is traveling around the country with me. She has one boy at home who thinks he is her new boyfriend and that our relationship is platonic. Its not. Far from it. Ours is a mutually beneficial arrangement. She has another boy she thinks is the one she is going to marry. He says things like, I am waiting for you. They are both simps. I have not even mentioned the handful of other guys she talks with. She will never be able to commit to one man.
I warn her she needs to settle down and commit, while she is in her prime, before her looks are gone. Continuing to chase the easy money will leave her with no education and no career. She is setting herself up for failure. At least a failure to be happy.
I know she has had it hard but a lot of the choices are her own. I talk around these things with her, but I don't push too hard. She doesn't want to hear the truth.
My only mistake was not getting a national parks pass from the beginning. We have been to several and have several more to go. Spending Christmas in Tucson was a good idea. The weather was great. Highs were around 70 degrees. We spend a few days at the pool and went to Sabino Canyon for a hike.
It was time to move on yesterday. Firefly gets lazy and I like to see new things. We are in Palm Springs, California. It rained last night. Their idea of a winter storm. We are going to Joshua Tree tomorrow. I would like to head for a few more places in the area. The plan is to drive up through the Mojave with my Jeep Gladiator Mojave on the way to Las Vegas next.
We left at 9:00 am. The storm that battered the east did not affect us. The day was overcast but without precipitation. We filled the truck bed with bags. Better to have too much than not enough.
Firefly sleep the first 4 hours. She said she has not been sleeping very well. We stopped once to get drive through and refuel in Ohio, then again later to go to the bathroom in Kentucky.
Firefly perked up as the day progressed. The last two hours of the drive she was taking pictures and videos while singing along with me to alternative rock tunes.
We spent two nights in Nashville, taking in music row and the Parthenon. The next day we headed for Memphis and Graceland. So far I think Graceland was one of are favorite stops. There is plenty to see. We arrived around 2:00 pm and ended up being the last car in the parking lot. Firefly likes to explore everything. She takes pictures and reads all the exhibits where ever we go.
It is hard to believe we have already been on the road for 8 days. We spent 2 days in Hot Springs, Arkansas before driving through Texas and staying over at Carlsbad New Mexico. We saw the caverns which was another great adventure and headed out to White Sands. White Sands is pretty but not the place to be on a cold and windy day. It was like being back in the snow but with more grit.
We are in Tucson now. We are staying in a fancy resort and resting. I will upload some pictures later today or tomorrow. We still have more places to see.
Tomorrow we are leaving. I am packing the "lit flare" (Firefly) and heading out into the fireworks shop, as Rothwilder put it. Our first stops are Nashville, Memphis, Hot Springs and Galveston. From there this get a little murky. Carlsbad is on the list and we are staying outside of Tucson for Christmas. We will be in Las Vegas for New Years and visiting Zion National park along the return leg, with several other possible stops along the way.
It is two days before our departure. Firefly says she is excited but she still needs to get her prescription for Suboxone today. Yesterday they would not give it to her. She had a faint trace of cocaine show up on her drug test. She says it was a false positive but I doubt it.
I am not going to get my hopes up until we are actually on the road. I have been disappointed too many times in the past. If we go, I plan on making it an epic journey to the best of my abilities. If we don't, I plan on painting the moldings along the top of the half wall that borders the loft and stairwell. Inside I have resigned myself to either outcome.
I have sent Tinkerbell a copy of my book for her to read and give me feedback. I am pretty happy with it. It looks like a novel. It has a cover page, copyright, dedication, and table of content. I have been reading a book on Amazon that describes how to format it for self publication. Dave I might pic your brain on this also as you have successfully published four novels that way.
My hope is to have a picture of me beside the Jeep Gladiator with the mountains of the Southwest behind me. If nothing else, this goal, completing my first draft, is complete. I am taking my computer on the trip. To do research on the journey. I will try to keep you posted along the way.
I regard her closely. Firefly is so young. She looks at me silently. Her lower lip protruding in a subconscious pout. "I have never taken a twenty-six day vacation. I have never traveled the country. I want to do it with you. I want to create new memories. You are young this trip might inspire you to travel more, but this might be the best chance I will ever have."
None of my friends have said anything to discourage me from taking this trip during the pandemic. No one has said I am being selfish. I think I am being selfish. That could just be the voice inside my head.
I emailed Billie the other day during a bit of a low point. It was a brief note apologizing for not reaching out when she did. I told her I am fine and the boys are fine and I missed her. Her mom is sick with Covid and having a hard time with it. Our exchange was devoid of any details concerning ourselves, just a thousand unanswered questions.
I have to start creating some uplifting playlists for the ride. Although this song speaks volumes about the way I feel, I would rather keep Firefly in a positive mood.
I don't get very political on here. I usually use this space to explore my personal life. But if you ask me, this is how nations crumble. This is how they lose their influence and control. It makes me sad to see.
I have been pacing the floors of my condo. Walking in aimless tight circles. I haven't been eating much. My weight is the lowest it has been since Billie left. Sleeping is hard even when I dose myself with medications. I have not been out of the house since Sunday. Firefly is supposed to be coming home tonight. She has been gone for three days. I feel like she will come up with an excuse not to show up before the day is out.
I am fixated on the uncertainty of this upcoming trick. I am not sure if Firefly even wants to go anymore. She is weaning herself off of benzos. My gut tells me is will be hard to deal with on the trip. It is hard to deal with her here. I keep telling myself to not be impulsive. There is not harm in waiting it out a few more days. We don't have any advanced reservations. I have nothing to lose. If we don't go, I think I will just take the car away again and be done with her. If we do, I will probably sign it over to her and ask her to move out. I should never have put myself in this position. I am really at a lose what to do.
I don't foresee any vacation with Firefly. I don't see her being able or wanting to travel. She is still bouncing from place to place. Mostly avoiding here, because here, she doesn't get away with anything. I am going to have to cut her off. She doesn't seem to want to be clean. She just seems to say what people want to hear. She is very much like Billie at her age. It is triggering for me. I already know how this plays out. It will be better for me just to cut her off. I don't need to deal with the holidays and Firefly also.
I have been pinning my hopes on a vacation in the middle of this pandemic. It doesn't make much sense. I just wanted the chance to get away with someone. I feel like this will be my last chance to make such a road trip. That is why I have been still dealing with Firefly and why I am willing to risk the pandemic. I don't think it is much a risk getting sick. I am pretty sure Firefly caught the virus just before Thanksgiving. She lost her sense of smell and had a fever. She is getting over it. I did not get sick. I believe either I got it back in March from the Gymnast or I am asymptomatic.
I feel like I have spent my whole life wanting more. Maybe I have just spent my life trying to control what happens next. I need to get back to just letting go.
It is going to be a long winter. Firefly is still in the wind, I am not sure if we will be going anywhere. I have been working from home and isolating. I pace the rooms of my condo. I stare at the multitude of Legos built models and in unopened boxes, but I have no motivation to build. Do hobbies, like relationships, just fade away?
Sometimes it feels like Billie tainted everything around me. It was not enough to paint the walls and replace the carpet. She still haunts every corner of this home.
I am just tired. I am tired of struggling to capture something out of reach and unwilling to settle for something less. I need a good motivational book because I have lost all drive and purpose.
My friend Sam likes to say to me, "How many times do you want to get kicked in the teeth before you turn away?" She was referring to me communication with Billie and the fact that it always sets me back. For the record, I have not been in contact with Billie since April. I ignored the text and emails she sent to in September. I want to reach out to her though because I want to reach out to someone.
Sam's question could refer to all my relationships though. Looking back while writing my memoir I see the patterns repeat. It seems I do not learn from my experiences.
I have finished a first draft of my memoir. It comes out to 349 pages. A respectable size for a novel. I am still working on refining and adding things. I am no longer posting it to Wattpad but if a few people would like to read it in this state and provide feedback email me at dashfelodese@gmail.com
I would love to hear any criticism.
