Blah

It is a quiet week. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night, I went to the 7:00 pm Basic Class for yoga. I prefer the Wednesday class at 5:30 pm. The regulars that come to the Tuesday night class are talkative and loud prior to the start. It makes it hard to get relaxed. Ava prefers the later start time. Even though she didn't join me this week, I didn't bother switching. I will next week if Ava doesn't join me.

The newlywed bride is trimming my hair Thursday. I'm sure Alexis will have plenty to tell me. My hair isn't that long. Usually, I'd wait a week, but I feel like I will be busy next week, and I want to look nice for the Tennesse trip.

Ava and I are going to dinner Friday. I haven't asked her any questions concerning the arrangement she is thinking about entering. All she's told me so far is, thanks to my advice, she would be living alone if she accepted it. I'm pretty sure Ava will. Whether she will still be able to see me regularly, if she does is yet to be seen. I should start looking for a new girl, but I haven't been in the mood.

I've been on other dating apps lately and had a few conversations, but I haven't been interested in anyone who has been interested in me. I just fade after a few text exchanges. The Detroit metro area is abysmal for dating.

My road trip is only is ten days away. The forecast is not predicting warm weather, but I don't care. I just want to get away for a few days. This is the first time Ava and I have traveled together. I'm curious how she will be on the road and on the trip in general.

Not Far

 I bought  The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It is actually an interesting book. It is not earth-shaking with revelations but a gentle and readable reminder of sensible ideas. I am on the last chapter. I bought the audio too and will be listening to it while I drive.

Ava and I went to yoga last night. In typical Ava fashion, she was a few minutes late. The girl burns the candle at both ends. She never has enough time in her day. 

At the end of the night, we were lying in bed naked and spooned together. Soft music was playing, and she opened up a bit about her parents. She said since getting the booster, her mother was peeing blood. The doctors didn't have a good reason. Her mother is still in a lot of pain from injuries in a car accident.

"The only thing I say to my father is, not far," she tells me.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"It doesn't matter whether I'm walking out of the house with my backpack or my suitcase. When he asks where I am going, I say not far, then hit the door running like a kid."

"But you are not a kid."

"But I am."

It was an emotional conversation, and she shed tears as she spoke. A lot goes on with her that doesn't get said. Like all of us, she is a product of her upbringing and still trapped by it in many ways. 

A Comment

 I went to yoga last night. It is the second time I have been back to class in two years. The classes are small. Few people are risking stepping into the studio. I like the smaller class size, but I know it is not economically feasible for the studio.

Ava joined me. She liked the class and the teacher. I told her I planned to continue going, and she was welcome to join me whenever she was available. At least till summer, when I plan on getting my exercise outdoors. I have to start wearing my glasses during yoga class. There was a cute woman next to me, but it is hard to engage with someone in a dimly lit room when you cannot see.

Jules wrote in my comments:

No matter what you think, this Ava chick is getting under your skin. The only thing you can change is your reaction to her and things she does. In order to do that successfully, you need to figure out your triggers.

I do know what is triggering when I sit back and look at things in the context of Jule's statement.  It is the shallow sexual relationship we have. Ava doesn't offer more. I am not looking for her to fall in love with me, but the intangibles that are missing are triggering because there is nothing to hold onto. I don't feel trusted, respected, or needed. I think Ava is being deliberately deceitful. It makes it hard to form any type of connection with her. When I ask myself, is she a bad person? The answer is, I don't know. Unless she treats me uniquely for others, I would find it hard to believe others have not picked up on this too.

I felt more connected to Firefly who has countless flaws than I do Ava. No, it is not because Firefly and Billie have the same issues. Ava confesses to having problems, but she never shares them. I am sure I question too much. I can't help that. This issue with Ava has two dimensions, but if she were gone, I don't think I would find myself missing her. I would find myself missing the convenience of having her around.

Praying for love and a lap dance
And paying in naivety..But It's Better If You Do, Panic At The Disco

Dwelling In the Past

The weekend left me moody and dwelling in the past. It is not where I want to be, but often the present is not where I want to be either. It is one thing to understand my motivations, but it is another to want to change. I am not changing. I am not sure how to reverse years of self-programming or what change is supposed to look like. What I do know is there hasn't been enough.

Sometimes, it is tough realizing I am the problem without being too hard on myself. I feel like I should take the month of March to identify which parts I need to change and which to keep.

Ava spent the night Friday, but the encounter felt hollow. It left me feeling empty. I would say I couldn't point to one thing that made me feel this way, but that wouldn't be true. In fact, there were several things. I told her she was spreading herself too thin, a point she agreed with, but I do not feel the need to guess at her motivations. 

Ava holds back details concerning herself. Other things she shares seem more like "shit tests," comments to elicit a response. Last week, we made plans to go to yoga Tuesday. I told her she would need to register on the yoga studio's website to sign us up for the class. Saturday, she did so using an alias. Something I felt was unnecessary yet telling. 

There is a mystery there, but I am losing interest in it. My time feels better spent elsewhere. If we make it to our road trip, perhaps I'll learn more. I feel like it would be time better spent taking Max on the road trip this morning.

Sunday, Max came over, and we changed the coil pack and spark plugs on his car. I asked him to look into a new computer for me. He has been playing a new version of Age of Empires, and I would like to play it too.

Saturday afternoon, I took Twin A to lunch. We went to the same restaurant that Billie, my dad, and I often frequented on Sunday mornings when Billie and I were still together, and my dad was alive. 

That brings us back to the past. I miss being with Billie even though I don't want her back. I don't dream about possible futures with her. She is the past, and I have accepted that. I am at a loss to describe what I am missing. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still think about her every day. It isn't healthy, It holds me back. I think it always will.

Last Week's Violet Update

 Last week went by quickly.  The hours in the office crawl, but the underlying stress of the holiday season makes me feel as if I have too much to accomplish.  Last Tuesday, Ava and I went to a Gong Immersion season performed by an ex-coworker who retired and now concentrates on spiritual and new age interests. It was fun and meditative.

Friday, I took Ava to downtown Rochester. To see the lights and walk the town. People were out enjoying the season. The night air was cool but not unbearable. We have yet to get any significant snowfall, and temperatures are still getting into the forties. Ava did not seem overly interested in the experience, but she did not complain.

When we got back to my condo, we headed upstairs, where it seems our mutual interests lay. I asked Ava if she would like to try a vibrator. I pulled out a black wand-style vibrator I bought for Gymnast and showed her how it worked. Ava took to it enthusiastically. At one point, I wondered if I would get it out of her hand. She came twice with the vibrator, once while I was inside her and the second time while I used it on her.

I am still getting mixed signals from Ava.  My friend Sam thinks I am overthinking things. Ava is nesting at the condo. Each time she comes over, she leaves something behind. I don't mind. I am not seeing anyone else, so no one is asking questions about the lip balm with the hair ties wrapped around it sitting on the headboard or the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. Still, I would say that our arrangement is closer to the one I had with Gymnast than the one I had with Firefly.

I would like to see her more, but maybe it is too soon. Some parts of her life are still mysterious, and others are confusing.  I have no complaints concerning the time we do spend together. The sex is fantastic. Ava goes on forever, and I get tired before she indicates any desire to stop.

Sam and I are seeing a new psychic this Saturday, and she is supposed to be really good. Perhaps this one will be able to shed some light on Ava.

Nothing to Report

It is hard to write off an entire year when you have a decreasingly few good years left and I feel like we will be writing off more than one year.

I've started this post a few times.  At first it was going to be a recap of my weekend.  Friday, Bunny and I went kayaking.  Saturday, I went biking with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We rode thirty-one miles over the course of the day.  Sunday, I did yoga in the park, than got a massage in the afternoon.  

Firefly came over Sunday night.  She is treading water, but refusing to surrender to the process. I offer what advice I can but if she doesn't make some changes she will end up in jail again.  She reminds me very much of Billy.  

I have become reclusive.  Mostly because of the virus but sometimes I wonder.  It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not have another long term relationship.  Much of my life has revolved around a relationship, finding one or searching for one.  It is what I learned growing up.  The goal to life.  You work hard.  You get married and you have kids.  It turns out, that was the worst mistake I made.  

I have no idea what direction to go next.  For twenty-five years I collected Legos thinking one day to build great things.  Lately they sit unused.  My current project is writing the memoir.  It seems more of a cautionary tale than anything. 

 

Over Think

Bunny:  Just bring my yoga mat correct?

Bathwater: Yes, but it looks like the rain is going to come soon.  I was just going to text you and suggest doing it here.

Bunny: I am still going to drive up to the park.  If it is not going on I will come over.

Sunday Bunny and I planned on going to yoga in the local park.  I went the prior two weeks.  The rain canceled our original plans.

Bunny came into to the condo from the garage.  It has become the unofficial guest entrance.  "It started pouring as I pulled up," Bunny tells me.  "I felt sorry for all the people packing up and running back to their cars."

She is wearing spandex shorts and a loose tee over a sports bra.  I regard her figure, but try not to be obvious.  Bunny is a tall woman, 5' 8".  She has full breast but not over weight.  She is a pretty girl, but I feet more of a physical connection with the Gymnast or Firefly. I cannot explain why.  Partly it is that Bunny is more Bohemian than most girls that attract me.  She doesn't shave her armpits or wear deodorant, and only trims her pubic hair.  I have dated stripper types for the last fifteen years, they don't have an inch of hair on them.

We set up our mats in the basement in front of the big screen TV.  We do an hour of yoga by following along to a YouTube video.  Parts of the video are challenging for me.  I am not in the shape I was in before the virus outbreak.

After yoga, we go out to a local restaurant for lunch. The place is not crowded, but we both feel a lack of comfort being in public.  The staff wears masks, but the customers, including us are without while we are seated eating.  Bunny orders a salad with chicken and I get eggs with sausages.

Bunny tells me she still wants to go kayaking with me.  We make plans for this Friday. Bunny and I don't have any type of arrangement.  I've told her, I cannot provide that for her.  It is a polite way of saying I am not physically attracted to her.  I paid for breakfast and would pay for us to kayak, but I do not provide anything else besides my company. 

I find it odd.  Maybe I shouldn't. Most of my friends are female. None of the others are so young, but age has never been a boundary.  I don't find it odd because of a lack of conversation.  I know Bunny is looking for an arrangement but she doesn't push the issue.  I fact we have not discussed it further.

I find myself in unfamiliar waters.  If Bunny wanted to date.  I probably would... casually.  I always question peoples motives.  It is easier to understand being needed than being wanted.  I am probably overthink things.  I do that too.

Yoga at the DIA

I parked the Jeep on the street outside the DIA (Detroit Institute of Arts).  It is Saturday morning.  I am dressed lightly, totally unprepared for the twenty degree temperatures and the arctic wind.  They have a new fancy way of paying for parking using a kiosk along the curb but the damn thing was not taking my credit card.  Luckily Tinkerbell, her boyfriend and the T-Rex arrived at the same time and were parked a few spaces away.  Tink's boyfriend put his card in the kiosk for me.

"Why do we have to go all the way downtown to do yoga?"  I ask Tinkerbell a few days earlier.  "Have you even done yoga before?  My yoga studio is much more convenient."

She as assured me that it would be more fun doing yoga in the great hall in the art gallery.  I had my doubts.  The T-Rex was even less enthusiastic.  It is a good way to get people down to the art gallery but in February?  The non-profit who organizes the events does a good job.  They are a mobile studio and they organize events in various locations around the city.  It is a great way to introduce a different crowd to these locations and give access to yoga to a different crowd.

That's me stretching my arms in the center

Mindfulness

Is there something more?  I have signed up for a yoga class.  I am reading books on mindfulness and meditation.  I am seeing the relationship with Billy for what it was.  I miss her less each day.  The void left behind has always been there.  I am trying to fill it from within.  I no long want to conform to my construct of life.

The weather here is unseasonably cold and wet.  Tomorrow is Halloween.  They expect snow.  Yes snow,  on Halloween.  This evening is Devil's Night though I do not expect many devils to be out after dark with the temperatures hovering in the mid forties.  Traffic on the way home is heavy people trying to get home for holiday functions I imagine.  I leave work early also.  I am going to my first yoga class.

I have passed the studio a thousand times.  It is on the edge of a strip mall. The word yoga is in bright inviting neon letters above the door.  It gets good reviews on Yelp.  It seems to be a family run business.  There is an bearded gentleman in his sixties behind the counter.  He explains the basics to me.  The instructor is a solidly built woman around forty.  She has short blond hair and is wearing sweat pants and a tank top.  Her outfit is casual and not worn to impress.

There are a dozen women and one other man in the class.  All of them are dressed casually.  The instructor is friendly.  The names for the positions are unfamiliar to me but the moves are not out of reach. I have decided to stick with it for the rest of the year.  Perhaps I can advance to a different level.