Slow Spinning Redemption

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right; I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

Saturday was the memorial for Sam's father, who passed away earlier in the year. We had beautiful weather. I told Sam I would pick her up and be her chauffeur for the day. I helped set up the hall and made myself useful while staying out of the way. After the memorial, I stuck with Sam and went to her sister's house, where she was getting together with the rest of her family. I wanted to ensure she was okay and safe on such an emotional day.

That night, I received a 2:00 am call from Tinkerbell. She was out drinking with Tech and some friends. Her thoughts often drift to me when she is drunk and feeling unhappy. One of the things she said to me was, "You are my home."

Tink is not close to her family, and I consider her my fourth child. Anyone who has read my book knows we have had a long and complicated relationship. She is one of the few people I can talk to for hours on the phone. Her sense of humor makes me a funnier person.

Sunday, Sam and I went to an art fair in Saint Clair. It was held in the park along the riverfront. When I recounted the story to Sam, she said, "I wouldn't be surprised in the future if she winds up on your doorstep." 

I would not be surprised, though I don't expect it to happen until T-Rex graduates from high school. He has two more years. 

Ava texted me on Tuesday, "Hey, I might be back for a day this weekend. Are you available to meet this Sunday?"

"Yes, I would love to see you Sunday. I can arrange to be around."

"I will let you know more, either today or tomorrow," she continued.

"Wonderful, I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad I will get to see you soon."

She ended the conversation with a 100% emoji, a heart, and a cute emoji that looked like her with the words back at you.

I don't deny that I have left an impact on other people. Rather than accepting it unconditionally, I often question the motives or meaning. I don't think doing so is terrible, but it stems from a lack of confidence in myself and who I am. 

Billie said to me during our last exchange, "...you really do deserve someone who cares about you for who you are because you are a great person. You were such a positive person in my life, even though I was not.. at all. I'm glad I reached out too because I saw you as someone I would want to stay in touch with."

There is a term used in the manosphere, alpha widow. It can be defined as follows: 

An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact on her life.

But that impact can be sexual, financial, emotional, or any combination of what makes him who he is. I do not call myself an alpha male as defined by the manosphere. I have been a blue pill beta most of my dating life, though I have come to appreciate and embrace many of the ideas. They call those guys the top 20 percenters. In other words, the top 20% in looks, status, and frame. I consider myself in the top 30%, which is a difficult position. I am close, but not close enough.

Sometimes though, I don't think I give myself enough credit for my impact on others. 

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

Coffee

Thursday, I had a coffee date with a new girl. I am going to call her Dee. Her name will not be significant because she will only be discussed in one post.  Dee and I made plans to meet at 7:00 pm for coffee in Royal Oak, a thirty-minute drive from my condo. I pushed through rush hour traffic, showered, filled the Jeep with gas, and managed to make it to downtown Royal Oak with just minutes to spare.

Dee arrived while I was placing my order, and I added her coffee drink to mine. I dressed for the date. I wore a nice pair of dark jeans, a blue short-sleeve button-down shirt, and these turquoise Timberland knock-off shoes that everyone compliments me on.

Dee dressed more casually in a pair of colorful lounge pants and what appeared to be a white tank top which clearly showed her nipples beneath. From her pictures, I did not expect Dee to be as thin as Ava or the girls that usually attract me, but she seemed nice when we texted, so I decided to give her a shot. Pictures are not a clear indication these days. Dee's pictures were of her five years younger and at least twenty pounds lighter.

We sat in the coffee shop and talked. On the website, Dee claimed to be thirty-two. She reminded me of a woman trying to extend her party years without keeping up with herself. Our conversation was decent and lasted for well over an hour before I steered us to the door and walked her back to her car. 

The experience left me feeling deceived and disappointed. I could not see myself climbing into bed with Dee and knew it would be worth investing more time in her. My gut said she wasn't into me either. I really didn't expect her to reach out to me today. It would have been a first. I've never had someone meet me for a drink or coffee and not want to continue. It is I who has declined several.

Dee did reach out to me twice today. My initial thought was just to ghost her but I sent her a polite text thanking her for giving me the opportunity to meet her, but that I didn't think we would be a good match.

Currently, no one else is on the horizon. Before the conversation with Dee, I thought about just not looking for a while. As I've said, I seem to have better luck in the fall. Still, I hate wasting the summer. Ava hasn't disappeared, but she is unavailable for trips or short adventures. This brings me back to time and timing.

Tonight, Tonight

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel

Tuesday, the temperatures crept up into the mid-nineties. I worked in the office in the morning. In the afternoon, I did a product review at a customer's house instead of his office. It was hot, but it didn't take too long, and his house was only ten minutes from my condo, so I finished the day from home.

I ordered dinner for Ava and me from her favorite restaurant, and she picked it up on the way to the condo. Ava arrived about 7:30 pm. It was still ninety-four outside. "Boy, if I knew UberEats drivers were this cute, I'd be using the service more," I tell Ava as she enters. 

She is wearing a peach-colored jumper and is carrying the paper bag with our sushi order. We discuss the benefits of fasting and using a sauna while we eat. Ava is knowledgeable on a wide variety of health-related issues. It is her passion. I tell her she should use her knowledge to help others. 

Ava tells me she would feel like a fraud because she is not where she wants to be, but her standards are too high. She is in excellent shape and eats healthier than anyone I know. Plus, it is her passion. She spent the last ten years researching healthy foods, exercise, and mindfulness.

We talk of taking a walk after dinner, but the temperature is still ninety, so we watch documentaries on the couch. We watch one on the college admissions scandal and another on the failed Fyre concert. Both are lessons in greed, privilege, and how terrible people think.

After the shows, we sat on the couch, huddled beneath a blanket. The condo was in a delicate balance between being too cold downstairs and too warm upstairs. We discussed her relationship. Ava seemed to need to unload her concerns and frustrations. I try to offer incites into his thinking as well as her own. Then suggest we head upstairs.

It was close to midnight, but we were not in a rush because Ava was staying the night. "I'll say one more thing," I told her, "before I close my counseling office for the night and ravish you." The tidbit of advice escapes me now. I was already concentrating on kissing my way down her torso.

"You going to let me tie you to the bed tonight?" I ask.

"Someday." It is her standard reply, but I keep asking because I know she will say yes one day.

"What will you do when you can't see me anymore?" I ask her during a lull in the action.

"I am going to have to start a blog, write about our encounter as fantasies, hand it to him and say this is what I want," she says with a laugh. 

We have sex till we are both exhausted and end up with her on top of me in a tight embrace. "We should have stayed downstairs. I could have bent you over the couch."

"Sure!" 

"You say yes, to that, but you won't let me tie you to the bed? They say if you ask for an outrageous thing, people are more inclined to submit to lesser requests. That must be it."

Ava laughs and agrees with me. "Yep, that's it."

I go to clean up while Ava checks her phone. Ava's mother is blowing her up on Snapchat. Ava was with her mother earlier and told her she was sleeping at a friend's place. Her mother was not buying Ava's story and called her out. Ava's mother could see her location on Snapchat and knew Ava was at my place. Ava was caught lying. Something she says she doesn't do with her mother.  

"If your location is on in Snapchat, you have bigger issues than your mother," I tell her. 

Ava says no, and shows me that only her mother can see her location. Ava was upset with herself for not covering her tracks better and was thinking of ways to justify her actions. We are both naked on the bed. Ava rests her head in my lap. She wants to go shower but is reluctant to move while I am gently stroking her hair and side.

"I am sorry I am so much trouble for you," I tell her.

"It's not your fault," she replies. I know this to be true. These issues are something she willingly creates for herself.

After she showers, we are together again beneath the covers. Ava is on her side, reading something on her phone. "What are you looking at?" I ask.

She explains they are justifications for her actions. It is a list of statements, but the print is too small for me to make out any words. The last one she says is significant. It has something to do with addiction. I didn't press her on why it was relevant.  Though now, looking back, I wish I had. Ava doesn't have any addictions. She doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. She even keeps her love of dark chocolate at bay. 

Is sex her addiction? She says she was a virgin till the age of twenty-four and doesn't seem to have the experience of a sexoholic. Early in our relationship, I once said to her, "I don't know if I am fifty shades of greying you or if you have more experience than you let on." I still think it is the former. If it is her addiction, I feel she can reel it in at any time. At least momentarily. So I treat each time we get together as if it will be our last.

Still, I am thinking back to the words of the Psychic. When she said emphatically, "If Ava ever says she can't see you anymore, she'll be back."

Ava compares potential suitors against her list of requirements: do they have a good job, are they rich,  are they close to her family, are they good to her, etc. Genuine desire seems low on her list. 

I know I check off everything on her list, including desire. All except one. I am too old to be a suitable long-term partner. I am okay with that. I am not looking to have that type of relationship with her or anyone else, for that matter. The more I experience, the less appealing it becomes. 

I sleep soundly for four hours. When I wake, the room feels warm, and I turn down the temperature using my phone. I stroke Ava's round butt until she starts slowly moving with the rhythm of my hand. I become aroused. Ava doesn't protest when I enter her from behind and quietly moans with each stroke. 

I roll Ava onto her stomach. My movements become more urgent, and I cum quickly. I kiss her on the cheek and whisper softly to her.  Ava is content and goes back to sleep while I go check my emails. I took the day off, but my job is often a 24/7 activity.

Later, we take separate showers and meet up downstairs. "We should get you something to eat," I say.

"Thanks, but I have to get home and do damage control," she tells me. 

It was only nine in the morning. "I was hoping you could stay longer," I say, but I don't protest further. I could tell the upcoming conversation with her mother was preoccupying her mind.

Lately, I think our encounters leave Ava with conflicting thoughts. Those will continue until she is forced to make a choice. I understand why she is reluctant to choose, but I keep my opinions to myself.

She discusses plans for meeting again before she leaves. "I don't think I can make the weekend of the 8th work, but we'll see. If not, the second weekend in July should be okay."

"That's fine. Just let me know." I never press her to make time for me. I just let things play out.

We linger briefly in the garage, hugging and kissing before she leaves. "Keep in touch," I say to her. "Don't disappear."

We'll crucify the insincere tonight.
(Tonight)
We'll make things right; we'll feel it all tonight
(Tonight)
We'll find a way to offer up the night
(Tonight)
The indescribable moments of your life
(Tonight)
The impossible is possible tonight
(Tonight)

Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight
Tonight, tonight... Tonight, Tonight, Smashing Pumpkins

Time

There were more dreams over the weekend. One was a conversation with Billie. I still have a hard time processing the end of that relationship. I am happy for her, but our discussions never resolve my conflicted feeling. 

Lately, I am acutely aware of how much time I spend waiting for time to pass. It's like I am wasting my life away. This morning I am waiting to hear from Ava. She is supposed to spend the night tonight, but scheduling has become more problematic. Usually, when she is quiet, it is not a good sign. 

Firefly had a lovely baby shower over the weekend. She says her apartment is full of baby things, but she is still worried. Firefly seems happy. Hopefully, she can keep her spirits lifted once the baby is born.

It seems these posts lately do not go in the direction of my thoughts. Mostly, because my thoughts are cloudy. I don't know about anyone else, but I am waiting to see what the future holds. Times feel uncertain. Too many things can go wrong. 

Weekend

Saturday, I washed the Gladiator and did some cleaning around the house. I would have been okay with that, but I had made plans to go biking with Sam. Sam met me at the condo, and we set off for the Orchard Trail. We road the 7.5-mile stretch from Armada to Romeo. On the first leg of the ride, Sam fell. She was trying to cut in behind me so some faster riders could pass, and her front tire clipped my rear tire.

Sam scraped her knee pretty good, but we made it the rest of the way. We even got ice cream at Dairy Queen. Sam jokingly blamed me for the accident. She said I was going too slow. I told her that argument would not hold up in court. Sam's bike hit mine. She needed to apply the brakes. I think she panicked when the riders came up. I checked in with Sam the next day. She said her knee was swollen, but she would heal.

I picked Max up on Father's day (his car is still in the shop), and we ate breakfast. I tried to talk Max into going on a bike ride, but he wanted to watch The Book of Boba Fett on Disney+. I wasn't okay. I like the way they are entwining the shows together, although I think baby Yoda has outlasted his cuteness factor.

I have not heard back from Brickworld. I am hoping they will send me more criteria for displaying my creation. If not, I will take my current project apart and build something new. The current model is taking up to many Legos. 

Spills Over

The night was hot. I didn't turn the air up, which made for restless sleep. In my dream, I am in high school but not a teenager. I am working on the script for a play. It is a love story involving vampires and werewolves. I feel like it is a good story with a thought-out plot, but the details have escaped me, and it is frustrating.

I find myself confronting a teacher. "Well, if I didn't have so many parts to manage, I could spend more time on the script."

The parts are frustrations from my waking world leaking over to my dreams. I woke and made a conscious effort to remember the vivid dream but was too groggy to get up and write it down.

*     *     *

It took a trip to the ATT store to get my phone switched over. I am not sure if I am getting a better deal. I will probably need to make another phone call to them and complain before I do. I may upgrade my phone, but I think I will wait till Christmas.

The Lego show sponsored by Brickworld is coming up in September this year. To display your creation at the Detroit show is by invitation only. I have started inquiries to see if I can get an invite.

Stress and The Relief

 I am feeling stressed. How about you? Max's car broke down AGAIN yesterday. I hate that car. He wants to sell it and buy a friend's Jeep Cherokee. I don't want to invest another $2000 in his car problems. Especially while I am watching my investments tanking.

Work is picking up, much like the Psychic said. That doesn't mean much to me, but extra stress and work. Gas is high, the temperatures are high, and the water levels are low out in the west. I feel we are in for a few years of doom and gloom.

Ava came over Tuesday night. That was stress relieving. We picked up dinner, took a brief walk in New Baltimore park along the lake, and then went back to the condo and ate on the balcony. Ava is always interesting to talk with. She can talk about her boyfriend and his long-term potential while eating dinner and then scream after her second orgasm in bed with me. 

"You have some cognitive dissonance going on here," I tell Ava as I slowly thrust inside her. "Do you know the term?" 

Ava smiles and nods yes, but doesn't try justifying her actions. I like that. I understand exactly what she is doing. She doesn't need to explain her actions to me. Still, she could stop coming over at any time.

"Even if you found somebody else and could only have dinner, I would still come to see you," Ava says to me in the kitchen as she is getting ready to leave.

"Of course you would, because you need a friend you can tell everything," I reply.

We plan for her to sleep over next Tuesday, and she wants me to take her back to a strip club the weekend after the holiday. 

Myths And Facts

 I find a lot of truth in these facts versus the myths propagated by the self-help industry. I got these from Sam Vaknin, who is himself, a rather colorful and questionable person.

Myths Promoted by Self Help

1- You can learn from your mistakes.

-Fact, you will likely repeat your mistakes throughout your lifespan.

2- Change is possible.

-Fact, most big behaviors are cemented by age twenty-five.

3- Your partner's past doesn't matter, only who they are now.

-Fact, your partner's past is your future.

4- Trauma is an objective experience.

-Fact, Trama is subjective. It is not what happens to you. It is how you react to it.

5- Love and time cure all.

-Fact, love, and time usually lead to loss. Love and time are risks, not opportunities.

6- Sex is an empowering experience

-Fact, only in the minority of cases, and the majority occur during the infatuation stage. In most cases, sex leads to regret and self-loathing. 66% to 80% of women and 50 % of men have negative emotions after casual sex. 20% of committed relationships are sexless because it has become an unpleasant experience.

7- Having multiple choices empowers us.

-Fact, Choice creates anxiety. People hate choice and will walk away from multiple options. People want to be told what to do by a higher authority.

8- Parents should be friends with their offspring.

-Fact, there should be a clear hierarchy.

I am a logical thinker, becoming more so with age. I depend on statistics and would rather make my decisions based on probability than the hope I can beat the odds. This isn't to say I have done this in the past or with all my recent decisions. That brings us to the second myth.

I believe change is possible if it is made a priority. Too few people are willing to put in the effort to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

I have heard a few of these facts before. I believe they are true. I also think people can sway from who they are but correct themselves. Saying, people seldom change can overlook who they were.

Summer, Not Summer

 Max came over Saturday morning. We went to breakfast, then he helped me add spacers behind the wheels on the Gladiator. Just for the look. The spacers push the wheels and tires out 1.25 inches. It sounds like a little but it makes a subtle difference in the appearance. We all know an extra inch doesn't hurt. 

Sunday, I helped Sam move a chair from her mother's house to her current home and a second chair from her sister's house to her mother's house. After, we went for a bike ride. We went to Metrobeach. It is not my favorite place to ride. You end up dodging too many people that don't seem to realise they are sharing a path.

Sam and I have been spending a lot of time together. She even joked to her mom that I am her new boyfriend, but there is no romantic interest between us. 

Work is becoming is busy. I have a coworker retiring at the end of the month and I am inheriting one of his projects. It is currently is shit show of a project and I don't see him resolving the issues before month's end. This business is for a part we didn't want. It and it will cost us more in engineering time and effort than profit, but we couldn't say no to the customer.

This is not the summer I envisioned. 

Changing Things Up

I spent over two hours on the phone switching my wireless carrier from Verizon to ATT on Saturday. I wanted to bundle my phone and internet for a 25% discount on my phone service. The first customer representative was friendly to talk with, but he fucked things up. I spent an hour undoing what he did, but now I have to wait till Thursday to place a new order. What a headache.

I also went and signed up at BJs. It is a bulk food club, like Cosco. After the cashback, it will cost me $5 for the year. I don't really buy food in bulk, but I figure I can spend enough money there each month to make it worthwhile. The real reason I signed up is for the cheaper gas. Right, now, gas is costing me about $100 a week. 

Due to this inflation, I am looking for ways to cut my monthly costs. Being fiscally responsible is so much work. I need to stop vaping. That would save me a bundle. Unfortunately, I have not been able. I enjoy it too much. I would cut back on the number of times I see Ava, but she is looking at getting a full-time job in July, so I think her availability will wain anyway.

I am not in a hurry to replace her if it does. At least not until the fall. I seem to have better luck in the fall. Which is unfortunate because I really like being active in the summer. Still, having some around in the winter gets me through the holidays.

I haven't heard back from Tinkerbell yet. I think the best-case scenario is they put a patch over the relationship. It might hold till T-Rex is out of high school, but she will be thinking about leaving again once he does. People seldom change.

Week's End

Alexis' mom was in a car accident Wednesday. She is okay, but she is in the hospital with broken ribs. Apparently, the hospital is overcrowded so getting her into a room was problematic. She will be in the hospital for a few more days.

The girl I saw last week wants to meet again. I never gave her a blog name because I didn't think her story was going somewhere. She claims not to be your typical addict. Then again, I would say Billie was not your typical addict. Billie was a functional addict. Either way, I don't need to go back down that road. 

Tinkerbell called me last night at 11:00 pm. It was usually late for a weekday. She and Tech are having issues, and she was upset. They are not the type of issues that are easily fixed. They are supposed to talk more tonight, but I feel, at best, it will only be a temporary fix.

Work has been busy. I don't have time to put my thoughts into words. I will try catching up this weekend.

Everything Comes With A Price

Lately, I have had more I would like to record and filter through here than I have the time.

Tuesday, I woke up extra early and was on the road by 5:00 am. I need to drive almost three hours to Grand Rapids for a review at the plant with a customer. It poured during the first hour of the drive. On Monday, I put new All-Terrain tires on the Gladiator, which sure did come in handy on the wet roads.

I made it to Grand Rapids early. Then I found out one of the customer's tested positive in his hotel room for Covid. He spent all morning running around trying to find a place to confirm it. He got the results of the test at 12:30. It was also positive. The plant would not let him or any of his party enter. 

What was supposed to be a two-day trip to Grand Rapids turned into a wasted drive. I tried salvaging the even by texting Ava to see if she could slip away on short notice. Tuesday is usually her best opportunity.

The weather was clear and cool on the drive back. It isn't as fun making long drives when you are alone. I prefer my road trips with a companion. When I am alone, all I fixate on is my thoughts and getting to my destination.

I made it home by 4:00, and Ava said she would be over at 6:00. I picked up a light dinner for us at Noodle and Company, and we sat at the kitchen table, ate, and caught up. I understand Ava, probably better than she understands herself. At the very least, I see her from a different perspective.

Ava wants to be financially secure. I suggested hard work is part of the process, but she dismissed it. Ava feels hard work hasn't gotten her where she wants to be in the past. She sees others getting rich quickly and wants her share of the pie. Maybe it is my age speaking, but I don't think it works that way for most people. I don't think most people want to put in the effort to become rich.

Ava stays longer than she intends, then rushes off at the night's end after making plans to meet again.

Ava justifies her actions according to her thoughts. She is a master of cognitive dissonance. For example, Ava has this boyfriend who constantly buys her flowers (an activity she thinks is wasteful) and is always out buying her favorite foods to keep her happy, so she wants to be with him. He doesn't realize the best way to keep her comfortable and around is to just let her be herself. She certainly would have more respect for him.

Meanwhile, she slips away to see me when she can, admitting to having the best sex she has ever had with me. I can't help noticing a moral conflict there. At least for now, she rationalizes it away. I am just having sex with him and making money. It doesn't mean anything. Ava's boyfriend wouldn't see it the same way. Her actions will eventually get her caught. I don't see the guy dumping her, though. Instead, he will beg her to change, and without consequences, she will probably do it again.

He doesn't understand that. He has little relationship experience and is rooted in old ideas, while Ava is a textbook example of the modern woman. True, I am seeing things in a favorable light for me. However, I am also seeing things based on human nature and the odds. If Ava was older, or once a few more of her get-rich schemes don't pan out, Ava would hook up with someone like him because she would see it as her best bet for long-term security. For now, though, she still thinks she has time. 

If there is one thing I've learned, everything comes with a price.

Week In Review

Elon Musk is not only the wealthiest man on the planet. He continually shows he is also the biggest dick on the planet. That is more than I wanted to say on that matter.

Last night, I made plans to meet Firefly at Green Lantern Pizza. It is a place Sam and I often go to eat. I had the hostess seat me, and Firefly arrived a few moments after.

Firefly was dressed in yoga pants and a lightweight, long sleeve shirt. The grey top was one she purchased when we were on our road trip and had an image of the Parthenon in Nashville, Tennessee, on it. The oversized top mostly hides her advanced pregnancy.

 Firefly's hair is blonde, but her nature orange is showing through. She looks healthy. Her face is clear and fuller. I didn't change after work because I dressed casually in jeans and a dark blue button-down shirt.

We hugged and sat down to order. Things have been falling into place for Firefly. She and her boyfriend moved into a condo recently. It is in a good area not far from my work. She is six months clean, and her probation is on track. Money is tight, but so far, they are getting by. Firefly seems to be getting a lot of assistance, which helps.

I ordered a gluten-free pizza. Firefly ordered a Ceaser salad, and we talked for over an hour and a half, catching up. Firefly's baby shower is this month. She said about forty people would attend. I declined but told her to let me know if she doesn't get something she needed for the baby.

I am glad she is doing well. Firefly seems focused on succeeding, and that is all we can hope.

This weekend was packed with activities. I met a new girl Saturday, she seemed nice, but I could tell she was an addict, and I told her I could not see her. It wouldn't be good for her or me. 

Saturday night, I went to dinner with Sam, and then Sunday, we went biking though it was drizzling and overcast. Sam and I have been spending a lot of time together. We get along well, and it gets me out of the house.

Sunday morning, before biking, Max came over, and we went to breakfast. He seems to be doing really well. Max has lost a lot of weight. He weighs the same as me and looks really good. Max has no interest in dating, though the girls would flock to him. He is learning Sicilian for fun. I have to go to Grand Rapids for two days this week for work, but I will try getting Max out on a bike when I get back.

The Counselor

This post strayed from the title, but I am reluctant to change it. I think the relevance is still buried within. 

Ava strolled into the condo early Wednesday morning. "What's going on? The bikes aren't on the rack."

"I wasn't too sure of the weather or how much time you would have," I reply.

"It's not supposed to rain till later, and I don't need to be back till 12:30," Ava explains.

"It will only take me five minutes."

I ran upstairs, threw on some shorts, and loaded the bike onto the back of the Gladiator. Under a gloomy grey sky, we headed out to the Orchard Trail. a few raindrops appeared on the windshield during the drive, but the actual rain held off during our ride. 

Though overcast, it was warm out. Ava seemed preoccupied and quiet at first. I did most of the talking, which isn't out of character for me. Ava loved the trail. The section we rode is covered by a canopy of trees and is very scenic.

Ava opened up along the ride. She talked about her new relationship. Much like the Psychic suggested, I found myself playing the counselor. Still not sure what to make of that psychic reading. 

We rode a short nine miles before loading the bikes back up and heading for the condo.

Ava went upstairs to freshen up, and I used the bathroom downstairs. Ava had the blinds drawn and the bathroom door shut when I entered the bedroom. It can never be dark enough for her, and in the winter, we would compromise and leave the light in the hallway on. She confessed she is this way with everyone. She doesn't want me to see her stretch marks. I have never noticed any stretch marks, and regardless, I think she is beautiful. I have enormous scars on both my legs. My body is a map of my age and experience. A few stretch marks do not compare.

Ava snuggled under the red sheet and beige comforter that would soon be discarded. "Are you going to let me tie you to the bed today?" I ask her.

"I don't think I will ever be ready to relinquish that much control to some," she tells me.

"If not me, who else would you trust?" (who else would offer?) "Besides, you know the safe word." 

Ava laughs. I've often kidder her that our safe word should be don't stop.

"I'd be gentle. I just like to see you get wet and excited," I tell her.

"Then take me to the strip club."

"Silly, I've already taken you to the strip club!"

This is a side of her she doesn't reveal to anyone else. While I kiss and stroke her body, our conversation devolves into a fantasy of us adding a third to the bedroom. We kiss, and I explore Ava's body with my hands and lips, taking my time. Ava relishes the attention, and she is wet and excited by the time I position myself above her.

I like to tease her by entering her slowly, but Ava doesn't let me anymore. She thrusts her hips forward, plunging me deep inside her. Ava does things with me that she confesses she has never done with anyone else. That sounds more elaborate than the reality. Still, the sex is a long and drawn-out mixture of passion and sweat. Some of the best I've had. 

She feels this way too. "We are lucky to have found each other," she tells me during our encounter.

I agree, but keep the rest of my thoughts to myself. Ava and I get along well in many ways. Sometimes I wish we could be more, but I am not naive enough to believe it is possible. Anything more would dilute the excitement I feel whenever we are together.

Ava doesn't complicate my life. On the contrary, I am the contradiction between what she has and what she wants. I am the thorn she is unwilling to remove.

After, we lie together beneath the covers. Ava's head is on my chest, and our faces nuzzle together like jigsaw pieces. Ava plots out elaborate schemes for us to get away. Plans that are too risky, too complicated to succeed. Still, she wants them as much as I do.

I am going to sit back and see how it unfolds. I don't pressure Ava. I think she gets enough of that from the other side. I feel like our encounters sow enough doubt in her mind. My actions stem from a greater understanding of human nature I am acquiring. A knowledge I don't focus upon myself with enough intensity. 

Words From The Past

Because I have been rummaging through old posts and deciding I was a better writer back then, I am reposting this because it seems relevant. 

Words Give Us Away
Originally Posted, Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Our words give us away." It seems like the phrase should come from the lyrics of a familiar song, but I can't seem to remember the tune. Help me, please, if you do. It is not the spoken words I'm referring to. Those only hold the weight our bodies and our actions give them. "Actions speak louder than words" is one of my favorite mantras.

I am referring to the written words. The post we make on the blogs we pseudo-anonymously hide behind. I have this theory, the more popular the blog, the more contrived the posts. Perhaps that is just sour grapes over my decline in readership. I am often told by some that no one thinks like I do. I haven't decided if that is a bad thing or not. I'm leaning toward feeling it is a good thing-- just not a comforting thing.

So why the title? What am I trying to say? A couple things and nothing. I feel I should be writing but am short on material-- for now. Lately, I'd rather be talking than writing. Though the talking does lead to writing. I have left those in the draft mood for now. I have been reluctant to print what I want to say here because our words give us away.

*     *     *

I had a category on previous blogs, "Too Close To Call." Often cryptic posts eluding how I was feeling fell into this category.

Play The Martyr

Originally Posted Saturday, November 17, 2007

Play the Martyr, stretch out your arms, and call for the nails. It doesn't matter that the crowd has gone home. You could leave on your own. When you're dead, there is no need to take responsibility for what you've known all along.

Play the Martyr, curse their sins till their stones crush your skull. Don't pick yourself up. Let them drag your remains through the mud. An unmarked grave will mark your unremarkable life.

Play the Martyr, hang from the gallows, neck snapped at the spine. You know just how dangerous second-best can be. You settle for lies like you settle for less. Does this make you feel safe?

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My writing then was fueled by depression and alcoholic outings. These days, I seldom drink, and my depression is mostly held at bay without the need for antidepressants. Devoid of the chaos I tend to bring into my life, all that is left is to live. Sometimes, that seems like the hardest thing to do.