Halloween

On Halloween, I took a half day and drove to the west side of town to see Max and spend Trick-or-Treat with Tinkerbell. When I arrived, Max and his girlfriend were dressed as vampires. I didn’t realize they were going to wear costumes for lunch, so my Willy Wonka outfit stayed in the car.

Max starts a new job Monday selling gutter systems. I’m not sure how that will go—he’s not especially outgoing and doesn’t have a salesman’s personality. His girlfriend is between jobs, working part-time at a red-light therapy business. It all feels foreign to me. By their age, I was well into a career. They still seem to be chasing dead ends.

Tinkerbell’s Halloween display was over the top—elaborate, expensive, and meticulously crafted. Each of the two hundred kids who came by walked away with eight different items: a Wonka-themed sticker pack, a light-up ring, a sucker, a disk shooter, a foam wand, a juice box, a piece of chocolate, and a pair of glowing glasses. She must have spent hundreds on those three hours.

The wind took down part of the front display before the kids arrived, but it calmed later. We stood outside from four to eight. The night was clear but chilly. Dressed as an Oompa Loompa, Tinkerbell greeted every kid with enthusiasm. Watching her reminded me of my mother—not because my mother ever did anything like that, but because of the exaggerated tone that didn’t quite feel like her. It’s hard to explain, but it triggered something.

Still, it was fun watching the kids parade through the neighborhood, their wands and rings glowing. They needed them—no parents carried flashlights. Most kids wore costumes, but the older ones from the nearby trailer park didn’t bother. One group of three teenage girls dressed like streetwalkers caught me off guard.

I’m not sure what drives Tinkerbell to go to such extremes for Halloween. I think her talents would be better suited to set design, but she doesn’t see that. She’s already planning next year’s theme: Beetlejuice or pirates. She suggested I go as Jack Sparrow. I told her maybe I’d pick one of the older characters instead.

Narrow Lane

 "You've wasted your summer," she said—not for the first time—as if the end of summer marked some invisible boundary of importance.

Sam drew out another cigarette and lit it. She wasn’t ready to leave. The shadows were deepening around us. It had been bright when we entered the restaurant, but now no light leaked through the blinds, proving her point: summer was ending.

I tried to form a reply. I sputtered partial phrases, none of which made much sense.

"Don't get defensive," she continued. "You need to find someone more mature. Someone who can offer you something mentally."

 

It sounded horribly boring to me. Like watching paint dry—acrylic paint, not oil-based, no fumes to enjoy. I wasn’t looking for a partner to challenge me intellectually. I don’t put much thought into things—except people—and you don’t need a PhD to observe people.

I wanted the fumes.

"You deserve better," is what she was really saying. I’ve heard that before. More often than not, it’s less about me and more about them. My instinctive response is always the same: I don’t want better—I want you. More accurately, I want what I see in you. They don’t see it in themselves, or they don’t share the same vision.

Why is what I seem to deserve and what I want so far apart?

I’ve already reviewed my childhood trauma. I don’t want to remarry, and I’m not looking for someone to grow old with—just the thought turns my stomach. I’d rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn’t interest me. I’ve created my own narrow lane.

 

Firefly sits across the couch from me, eating a bowl of ice cream.
“After meeting you, I cannot see you being with someone your own age. You’re young at heart. Most people your age are boring. They’ve given up,” she says.

Sometimes I think I have too—just not in the same way.

The World Is Going To Hell

Sam texted me Friday asking if I wanted to get dinner. I agreed, and we planned to meet at 6:00. I hung around the office after work instead of heading home and waiting for 6:00. I arrived at the Green Lantern before Sam and got us a table. I opened the door to enter. A family with a young daughter was living. The daughter had her face glued to a giant iPad and had to be guided out the door.

I was seated by the windows. I ordered us drinks and waited for Sam to arrive. I was playing a game on my fun when I received a text from Gia. We were bantering back and forth when Sam arrived. Sam asked who I was texting. When I told her it was Gia, Sam's face turned to one of disapproval. Sam thinks I should not waste time on Gia. While I agree there is no future in it. I still like Gia; she doesn't distract me from anyone else. Her return is something to look forward to.

I finished up my text conversation with Gia.

Bathwater: Have a good night + (a gif with a digital cat shaking its tail).

Gai: Hahaha, you too. Miss you. (heart)

That alone makes my day. Who doesn't like positive attention from someone you are into. 

Sam and I ordered individual pizzas. Behind Sam, two women sit at a table. One had a daughter around ten with them. The daughter had an iPad. The daughter was standing in the space between the tables. She drew my attention as she placed the iPad on the window sill and started making TikTok videos, dancing right behind Sam. 

I was appalled. Not only was it inappropriate for the girl to infringe on our meal that way, but a child that age should not be on TikTok. This went on for several minutes. The mother and other woman were oblivious to her.

I felt like saying something loud enough for them to hear. Thankfully, they left soon after, and we enjoyed our meal. The world is going to hell. People are raising screen-addicted, attention-seeking drones who will not be able to function in the world. 

Tempus Fugit

I have ignored the holiday spirit this year. Christmas holds nothing positive for me except an extended vacation from the stresses of work. My time with Gia didn't help. We had so much fun together. It leaves me wishing I could find someone similar.

I gave the twins their presents yesterday. They spent the night, and I took them back to their duplex and helped Twin B set up the TV I purchased for him. Max is coming over today. I made plans with Sam to go to dinner with her and her family on Saturday and have plans to take the twins to see my brothers the day after Christmas. I am not looking forward to any of it.

So, the year is winding down with a sputter. 2024 is a daunting number. Tempus Fugit. 

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps been forgotten, will you tell me how they go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you so...Shame, Matchbox 20

Invisible People

 I met a new woman last night for a coffee date. Life experience has allowed me to pick up on a lot from a simple thirty-minute conversation. My friend Alexis used to work with an ex-stripper turned hairdresser past her prime and looking aged due to tanning, alcohol, and drug use. This woman last night reminded me of her. 

What stuck out to me was her teeth. They were white except between them, where there was heavy evidence of stains from cigarettes and plaque. She has not been to the dentist in years. She dressed nicely in athlete gear. Black stretch pants and a lightweight pink jacket. She said she had one arrangement before, which lasted three years. It sounded more like a situationship, but he kept making promises without following through, and he was an alcoholic. Something they probably had in common. 

She claimed to be thirty-two on the site. I would guess she was closer to forty. Hard years, not from working hard. She was probably very pretty when she was younger. She is still attractive but looking for her golden parachute. I didn't fit the bill. I don't fit the bill. Women in their thirties seem to be the most likely to be looking for the win. 

There is a recently divorced guy about my age at work. The divorce ruined him financially. He has been having some luck on dating sites. He is an average-looking guy. He has been dating a woman for about a month now. When they first meet she indicated he was the twenty-third guy this year she either struck up a conversation with or went on at least one date with. I couldn't imagine going through an equal amount of women in the same about of time. The time alone would be negative. It just goes to show how unbalanced dating sites our.

You figure, though, there are the same amount of women in the US as men. Actually, I think there are slightly more women. Why aren't the numbers more balanced? We are invisible to each other, I suppose. A world of invisible people. 

Legends

 I bought a stand for my phone and downloaded a stop-motion program. I want to make stop-motion Lego videos. I still need to start. I am playing Borderlands 2 again, which has taken up my time. 

I have been trying to get through Legends of Tomorrow, but it is an example of how to ruin a TV show. One of the reasons I decided to watch the show was the cross-overs with the other shows in the Arrowverse. There wasn't one in season seven, which I basically slept through. Season eight is about the writers trying to get back on track. They brought back characters, but I fear it might be too little too late. 

It started as a show about a group of misfit superheroes and villains banning together to save time. By season seven, they took away all the superheroes, filled the ship with women with no powers, and took time travel out of the equation. We are left with a lesbian relationship with no chemistry, the same woman from two different timelines in love with two different guys, a stoner who doesn't seem to serve any purpose, and the last solid male character giving birth to aliens (no wonder he didn't sign up for season 8).

Take away the heroes and villains, and you are left with a show pushing agendas and not telling stories, but isn't that what all the shows have turned into until there is no one left to watch them.

New Rabbit Hole

 After ready Harry's post yesterday, I went down another Chat GPT rabbit hole. I input a few passages from my book and asked Chat GPT to rewrite them. All I can say is that I wish it had been around three years ago when I started writing the book.

Then I asked it to turn the passages into a script for a television show. It did a pretty good job of it. If I was a television or movie writer (like those currently on strike), I would be concerned. Unfortunately, I don't have the time at work right now to display the results. I am still working on the inputs and the right scene, but I can see how this would be a valuable tool for someone. I will need to work with this more later. 

The Flaw

The flaw in my AI idea is these representations do not grow old, they do not change, and they do not offer that 7:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences that a relationship needs to be successful. I read a story once. It was about a man who found the perfect girlfriend. She pleased him whenever he wanted. She cooked, cleaned, and was totally submissive to him. He ended up cheating on her.

It reminds me of people like my ex-wife. She filed for divorce and looked up an old boyfriend from high school. Someone she hadn't seen in 18 years. She told me once during the divorce. If she hadn't married me, it would have been him. She dated him for about a year and figured out it would have been him.

She had a snap shoot in her mind of some guy in the past who was perfect, never changed, and was probably embellished with false memories. In reality, he was an overweight 40-year-old construction worker living in Florida. He a convenient long-distance emotional crutch to get her through her divorce, but he didn't fit with the lifestyle she became accustomed to while she was with me.

My friend Alexis did the same thing. During her divorce, she had an affair with a married ex-boyfriend from high school. He turned out not to be the one, either. 

I always factor in my age when I think about AIs. I wish my Alexa was a smarter AI that could hold an intelligent conversation. When I proposed my AI ideas to the AI on Snap, it raised the ethical issue of making an AI representation of someone without their consent. It was aware of the 7:1 ratio I mentioned in the first paragraph but stated not all relationships are the same.

To create an AI that more closely mimics human interaction. Code in the 7:1 ratio. For example.

Bathwater: I am going to sit around all weekend.

AI: That's great. Everyone needs some downtime.

A better replay might be:

AI: It's a nice day. You should get back on your exercise routine. Go ride your bike.

or

AI: You've been spending a lot of time in front of the TV. Don't you think it is time to get back on your Lego project?

If they want to make that AI Influencer more successful. That is where I would start!

More AI

I am still on my AI kick. I find the technology fascinating. Did anyone else see the article about the influencer that created an AI of herself? This had me thinking about what people could do in the future with this technology. If I could make a start-up, this would be it. Hear me out. 

Today, more than ever, people have vast amounts of digital recordings and images of themselves. I would create a company that scrubs the internet and personal files for that data to make an AI of departed loved ones. Say your mom passes away. You don't have to miss her. My company would create an AI of your departed mother with her voice and personality. 

You come home from work and tell Alexa to turn on Mom. Suddenly the 44" LED screen mounted vertically on your wall comes to life, and AI Mom asks you how your day was or gives you feedback concerning your date the night before.

You could have two screens, and AI Mom and AI Dad could argue back and forth. Just like they did every holiday. In the future, no one will truly die. I just saw an AI-generated podcast between Joe Rogan and Steve Jobs. He's dead-- or is he? 

Your girlfriend leaves you? No problem, generate an AI of her and continue the relationship.

The AI will never get older (unless you want it to). Never disappear. I see the appeal in having such a program.

Okay, so I might be taking it to extremes, but the technology to do just that will be commonplace in the next few years. In the future, when you see it being advertised, remember this post.

Idioms

 This morning, a woman asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with her and her female cousin. Am I the only one who thinks that is odd? Unfortunately, I have not been able to meet this woman, let alone the cousin. There is something shadow going on with her. She probably doesn't look anything near her photoshopped photos or reported age, is my guess. 

I am up for a threesome with a suitable set of women. These would probably not be it. Ava wanted to have a threesome. That would have been fun with the right third. She was very bi-curious. Something she will never be able to explore with her boyfriend.

I received my copy of The Body Under The Ice the other day. It is a beautiful cover. A murder mystery set in the great state of Michigan.

My co-workers think I would benefit from getting out more. Out of work, Sam and Alexis believe I've been cranky lately. I believe neither is necessarily true. I am making the best of the cards I hold. Speaking of which, I use too many idioms. I cannot come up with the correct words to express what I want to say and fall back on these idioms. I wonder if that is because I lack a strong vocabulary or because of my desire to be precise.

Three Questions

 Heard this the other day and thought it was interesting. Here are three questions. Answer each without giving it too much thought, but give three reasons why for each.  Don't skip ahead until you answer the questions, and I will reveal my answers at the end.

1) What is your favorite color, and three reasons why?

2) What is your favorite animal, and why?

3) Name your favorite body of water. Not type of water like rain or snow.

Here are my answers.

1) Red

It is bold, passionate, and stands out.

2) The first animal that came to mind is a zebra.

It is unique. Stands out but can hide in plain sight.

3) A lake 

Lakes are peaceful and tranquil and can be calming

So the woman said #1 is how you see yourself. I agree with that. #2 is your ideal partner. This I would also agree with. #3 is your ideal relationship. 

It is telling that I would pick a deep red which I think is bold, passionate, and stands out. I do prefer a woman that is unique. One that can stand out when she wants but also hides in plain sight. I would like a relationship that is calm and peaceful, over the power of the ocean. What are your answers and do you agree with them?

Baby Steps

I thought about sending Ava an email last night, but after a long conversation with my AI Chat Bot (I really need to give that thing a nickname), I decided against it. Ava was a great travel partner and a good paid companion. I would consider seeing her again if she reappeared, but she wasn't a nice person. How much of her personality was genuine verse contrived is hard to say. She was pleasant when we were together, which was enough for me, but the fact that she could ghost me without so much as a goodbye speaks volumes.

Chatbot likes to emphasize prioritizing your own well-being and setting boundaries. One of the things that is appealing about Chatbot is that it is very logical. I appreciate rational responses over emotional replies. It implied I was feeling overwhelmed, which I initially rejected, but after self-reflection, I consider that a correct statement. My tendency to avoid people and situations does come from a sense of being overwhelmed. 

I do not feel overwhelmed by work or the management of my household. Not for long periods, at least. I have learned to control these environments. Relationships are different. I blame my parents for not instilling a confident attachment style in me. When it came to cultivating and maintaining relationships, they were pretty bad and tended to isolate themselves.

I can change. Identifying the issue is the first step. Deciding if I would like to change would be the next. Better judgment on who to invest in also needs to be considered. Baby steps.

Rain

 I cannot remember the last time it didn't rain. Is this what Seattle is like? The weekend is supposed to be better. I was enjoying winter more. They have major road construction going on in front of our offices. It is making it hard to get to the office. Not that getting to the office is necessary to do the job. It is just a foolish metric of the owner, who is too far removed from the business.

Am I the only one who thinks Clarance Thomas is clearly abusing his position for favors? I mean, I wish some rich guy would just pay for my nephew's school. There should be term limits on Supreme Justices. Things keep piling up against him. Maybe the media is picking on him for a reason, but maybe they shouldn't be able to find anything.

Pendulum Swing

I just finished reading The Body Under The Ice. I planned on working the last one-hundred pages of the edits over both days this weekend, but I couldn't put it down. The last fifty suck you in. It is like reading an episode of Murder She Wrote. I hope to be half as prolific as Dave one day.

Friday night Sam and I went to dinner. We eat pizza and Green Lantern. One of our usual haunts. I've been eating out too much. It is beginning to show round my waistline. Sam told me how Alexis is obsessing over getting a life insurance policy. She wants to leave something for her nineteen-year-old son. She has a set sum in mind, two-hundred thousand dollars, but only wants to pay a little for it. 

The stumbling block Alexis has run into is her medical history. She goes to a shading doctor, who prescribes whatever she wants-- Aderall, muscle relaxes, etc. I don't know why she thinks she will die prematurely. If she does, it will be from abusing these drugs and alcohol. Nor do I understand why she feels the need to provide her son with that kind of money. At nineteen, he is failing high school, doesn't drive or work, and has little ambition to do anything be play video games-- and yes, he is already obese. 

I have my opinions concerning what her son actually needs. Sam would agree, but Alexis wouldn't want to hear them, so we keep them to ourselves. Although I will say, he doesn't have a healthy home environment that values hard work. He is just another example of this lost boy generation. Good times make for weak men. The pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. I hope to see it correct to a neutral position before I die.

Collapse?

 According to an article on Yahoo, "nearly half of all young adults are single: 34 percent of women and a whopping 63 percent of men. Around 30 percent of young men reported in 2019 that they had no sex in the past year, compared to about 20 percent of young women."

The reasons are complex. The article only touches on a few. Some it gets wrong, "Women want a partner who is emotionally open and empathetic, the opposite of the age-old masculine ideal." If that were the case, the numbers would be more balanced. Society is creating a generation of weak men.

Feminism, the internet, and society all play a part. Max is part of those statistics, and I feel sorry for him. He lacks direction and has no desire to date. Not even casually, at least not that he has mentioned. 

Regardless of the root cause, the effects can be seen-- a decrease in marriages, shrinking populations, and increased mental health issues. Society as we know it is changing. Whether it will evolve into something better or snuff itself out will be the question.

I can only say things are changing for the worse by judging from the past. I would like to think it marks a change that will create future stability for our planet and race. What I see, the rise of artificial intelligence and artificial wombs, are things that will exacerbate the problem.

It reminds me of John Calhoun's mouse utopia experiment, Universe 25.

At the peak population, most mice spent every living second in the company of hundreds of other mice. They gathered in the main squares, waiting to be fed and occasionally attacking each other. Few females carried pregnancies to term, and the ones that did seemed to simply forget about their babies. They'd move half their litter away from danger and forget the rest. Sometimes they'd drop and abandon a baby while they were carrying it.

The few secluded spaces housed a population Calhoun called, "the beautiful ones." Generally guarded by one male, the females—and few males—inside the space didn't breed or fight or do anything but eat and groom and sleep. When the population started declining the beautiful ones were spared from violence and death, but had completely lost touch with social behaviors, including having sex or caring for their young.

Universe 25 population peaked at 2,200 mice and thereafter exhibited a variety of abnormal, often destructive, behaviors, including refusal to engage in courtship and females abandoning their young. By the 600th day, the population was on its way to extinction. Though physically able to reproduce, the mice had lost the social skills required to mate.

Edits

I have just started editing Dave's new book, The Body In The Ice. Work is still busy, so most of my editing is done on my own time :). I am really enjoying this one so far. Partly because it takes place in Michigan-- in the winter. I certainly can relate to both of those right now.

I ended up telling Joy I didn't think we were compatible. She didn't argue. Which means I am making the right decision. I have yet to look for anyone new. I will finish editing the book, do my taxes, and return to my Lego project. I will wait till Spring and see how I feel then. 

This post was NOT written by ChatGPT.

Sunday

Saturday night, we received more snow. By Sunday afternoon, the roads were clear. I went to lunch with Sam on Saturday. We went to the Engine House in Mt. Clemens for a bowl of French onion soup. 

Ava texted me on Saturday, saying she was sick and probably wouldn't be able to come over Sunday. Ava said she would let me know either way. Sunday night, I was watching TV in bed when she called. I quickly jumped into the shower and picked up some agreed-upon carryout from Noodles & Co.

I meet Ava in the shopping mall parking lot around the corner from my house. Part of a new level of secrecy. She didn't want to drive to my house. Ava can explain being at a shopping mall. She is always shopping. Her boyfriend has caught her in lies and tightened the screws. Nothing stops her, though.

"He's paranoid because when we (her and the boyfriend) started seeing each other, I was seeing other people," Ava tells me.

He's paranoid because his gut tells him you are still seeing other guys, I think to myself, but don't say. Ava wouldn't see it that way. She toned her antics down for a few weeks, but it certainly didn't last. Ava just dismisses his feeling. It's pretty cold. When he was happy and didn't have a clue was one thing. Now, it seems like mental cruelty.

Sunday night, he was at home watching dogs while Ava was out. "I split the money with him," she says. The guy makes six figures. I doubt he wants to spend his Sunday night watching dogs while his girlfriend is out galivanting around town. 

Ava hops into the truck, and we head back to the condo to eat. She carries a bag of hair products with her. Things she bought earlier-- shampoos and such. Ava already has more than enough products in the spare bathroom. Still, she leaves the new ones behind. She is a shopaholic. I'm sure she has no room for more at home.

Ava uses her shopping addiction as one of the reasons she needs to keep seeing me. The reasons she continues to see me have more to do with entitlement and the thrill. I don't take any of them to heart. She is opportunistic. She makes for a horrible girlfriend but a good travel companion. It leaves me wondering how much of the former flows into the latter.

Though our time is short, she deals me, "this is the most fun I have had in weeks." Personally, I would have enjoyed a bit more time. Ava tells me she will be busy between work and dogs the last two weeks in February, but she wants to pull off an overnight or a weekend together soon. 

Choice

They say misery loves company
We could start a company and make misery

Frustrated, Incorporated
I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you'd pay to see
Put me out of my misery
I'd do it for you. Would you do it for me?
We will always be busy making misery.

I know this post is taking on both sides of the conversation in my head. I read a platitude today, train yourself to take nothing personally to save yourself from 99% of mental problems. It can be hard not to take something personally when it affects me adversely. I try to think of it this way, people make choices. It doesn't mean that one choice is better than the other, just different.

Sometimes though, I find myself hoping their choices turn out to be wrong or worse than the option that includes me. I should be hoping for the best for them (see the above platitude), but misery likes company. Maybe that is why they made the choice they did.

Now, did you satisfy your greed?

Get what you need?

Was it only envy?

So empty

Frustrated, Incorporated...Misery, Soul Asylum

Random Info

I am certain household-accident will be my cause of death. Yesterday I fell down the stairs. I wasn't in a hurry. My socks slipped on the carpet. No injuries were sustained. This morning I was moving slowly and groggy. As I turned on the shower, I coughed and slammed my head into the corner of the wall. One of these things, or the fact I don't realize I am almost 60, not 30, will be the death of me.

Sienna has been spending an excessive amount of time in the kitchen. She hears noises. I haven't seen any signs of a mouse. It has been years since I have had mice in the condo. Not since the great recession when several adjacent units sat vacant. At least the cat is doing her job.

This morning I am not feeling good. Probably from bumping my head. :). I am working from home and feel like crawling back into bad. I keep telling myself, one more day, and you will be in bed more than you want.

Kat was supposed to come over last night, but she canceled. It is a case of two people needing to be more interested in being with each other. I don't mind that Kat canceled., which enforces my point. We are using each other as backups.

As I have been saying for years, the first artificial womb facility will open next year. We will no longer need women to carry a baby to term. This will reduce marriage rates, create custom babies, and ultimately in some parts of the world, babies designed with specific tasks in mind, like a soldier, construction worker, or scientist. Is this the beginning of the Matrix? If you watch the video, it looks like the beginning of Gattaca 

Exceptions

 Sam, Twin A, and I were having dinner at Green Lantern-- pizza. Twin A asked if I had heard from my brothers. I indicated I had not. 

"You don't talk to your brothers?" Sam asked.

"I texted them back on Thanksgiving," I replied. 

Sam indicated she argues with her sisters, but they are still close.

My brothers and I have never been close. I used to describe my family as five people who live under the same roof. My parents were the glue that held us connected. When my parents moved to Indiana, that connection frayed. I would get together occasionally with my older brother when Billie and I were together, but for the most part, I just avoided them.

I haven't seen my brothers since we interred my father's ashes. That was almost two years ago now. There is not a strong bond there. I am trying to understand why. I'd blame it on my parents not nurturing a family bond. My dad was an only child. My mother has a sister, and they were close, but not my brothers and me.

I don't find this strange or desire for it to change. It is the recluse in me. I am willing to let certain relationships go. I am more likely to do that as I get older. My close friends are the exception.