Shadowbox

 Yesterday I cleaned the house before taking the truck to the hand-wash car wash.  The temperature was in the mid-forties. The car wash needs repair. Several of the bays are blocked due to issues, and those that are open need cleaning or work. It was nice to get outside in the fresh air. The truck needed cleaning, I don't like letting it get so dirty, but I don't go many places.

Firefly asked for some money to buy a shadowbox.  She is creating a memorial for a friend who died. She stayed out late. When she did return, I was already in bed. She placed a cheaper picture frame on the dresser. I asked her what happened to the rest of the money, but I already knew the answer.  She spent it on crack. She would deny it, but it would be the truth.

"Don't ask me for any more money," I tell her. She knows I do not want to support her drug use.

She doesn't seem to have a plan. She has not mentioned the boyfriend in a while, and I don't ask. She did tell me he and she were using meth that weekend she wrecked her car. Along with dope, it is his drug of choice. Firefly does not usually use meth. They should work on themselves and avoid each other. Firefly doesn't seem ready to work on herself.

I think her being her is better than the streets, but I do not get much from the arrangement. Not sure how this will play out. 

All your dreams are made
When you're chained to the mirror like the razor blade
Today's the day that all the world will see...Morning Glory, Oasis

Withdrawal

 Firefly is in bed, tossing and turning beneath the black and gold comforter. She is going through withdrawals. The first twenty-four hours are the worst. It is not going well, but she has not given up. She gives out a primal moan, turns over, and states, "I can't do this."

"Yes, you can," I tell her softly. "I know you can. You have done it before."

"Not like this."

I am not keeping her here, but she is on Xanax and Seroquel, and I will not move my truck from behind her car if she tries to drive away. She can choose to give into the body aches and chills, but she will be sick out on the streets without a car or money. She knows it.

I don't know what to do with Firefly. She is so young. She has a long way to go. My condo better than the trap house she stayed at when I kicked her out, but I am not sure being here is enough. She needs a psychologist, structure, and a job to keep her busy. 

I don't want to upset her. So, I return to my desk in the loft and attend a meeting. Firefly continues her restless shifting for a few minutes before the drugs take effect, and she falls into a fitful sleep.

She thinks I don't understand going through withdrawals. Maybe not, but I have seen it before. Firefly is tough. She handles them better than Billie. It is what comes after she has difficulty with.  She returned from our twenty-four-day road trip on Suboxone and ready to get a job. Left to her own devices, it didn't take her long to derail things.

The house is quiet in the afternoon. My typing is the only sound disturbing the silence. Periodically, I get up and check on Firefly. Her breathing is shallow but rhythmic, so I leave her alone.

I work on the computer till late in the evening.  I am intent on my editing when I hear Firefly call my name. Her voice is weak. She sounds pitiful.

"You okay?" I ask, coming into the room. 

She asks if I picked up a prescription refill for her. I haven't. I forgot, and I put on some clothes to run to the pharmacy. The medication isn't ready when I get to the pharmacy. The doctor's office did not call it in. She will be out in the morning.  

Firefly takes the last of her Seroquel and sleeps through the night. The worst is over by morning, but she has a long way to go. 

Judgment

 For those of you worried I am stringing the woman from Bumble along, don't. She never replied once I told her my job.  I knew she wouldn't. Most women use apps like Bumble and Tinder for self-gratification. It makes them feel good getting the attention of hundreds of men. Ninety-nine percent of those men just want to get laid and don't even look at anything but the picture.

In my comments, Lucy, the author of the blog Waiting For A Miracle, said she would like to be herself and be left alone. It can be hard being yourself on the internet today unless you surround yourself with like-minded people. On this blog, I reveal myself. Some don't like it. They disagree with my lifestyle. I should be someone more socially acceptable.

For those who don't read the comments, I'll paste it here.

Secret Escape- LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! Imagine passing judgement about someone AND THEIR FAMILY when you fuck crackhead hookers!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL You've gotta PAY bitches to play with your wiener, but holy hell LOOK AT ALL THE RED FLAGS!!!!! You're a fucking joke old man, don't waste this woman's time with your bullshit, go pay some junkie to fuck you if you're sooooooo bored.

Secret Escape likes to pass judgment on me and those around me. Seems like a personal attack. Someone from the real world would rather attack me anonymously to make themselves feel better, perhaps? Why else would they keep coming back? This person does not reveal their own life on a blog, at least none that I have seen. Criticism seems to be what they enjoy. I have blogged for fifteen years, I have seen this before.

I could delete the comments, but theirs do not bother me. Yes, I pay for sex. So what? Most men do in some form or another. Some men just call it marriage. I am getting old, I'm fifty-six, but age is just a number, a fact of life. Everyone gets older every day. Is someone with an addiction worse than a woman with two kids? Who are you to judge?

And that is the real question, who are you to judge? Tell your life story and let others pick it apart. Have you lived? Have your life choices made you bitter, or are you a young person with no life experiences passing judgment on things they don't know? I haven't met any saints. I haven't meant many people above criticism, but I have met many in life who are quick to judge without ever looking at themselves. If you don't like what you see here, I suggest you stop reading and look at yourself. I am sure if you did, you would find a lot to judge.

Red Flags

 I started a conversation on Bumble yesterday. This seldom happens. The Detroit metro area is terrible for dating. She is 44 and lives an hour away. It will not go anywhere. Her profile is riddled with red flags. She says she is a feminist, a liberal, and works for a college. 

I believe in equal rights for all, but in this country, when a woman touts the fact she is a feminist, it does not mean she believes in equal rights for both men and women. I lean more to a Red pill mindset.  I believe feminism has harmed marriage and child-raising.

She is liberal. I am impressed with some of the up-and-coming liberals, but I am a moderate.  I can see both sides of an issue. I am not ready for the Big Reset or Marxism. 

She works for a college. I have nothing good to say about colleges. They are overpriced liberal strongholds that do not provide value for the cost.

She has two children, ages 10 and 12. Both are nonbinary, she tells me. Perhaps they are, but I wonder how much of the mother's ideas have influenced the children. I am not interested in dating someone with young children. The fact she has children intrigues me. I would really like to know what happened to the father. Was she married? How long? Those answers interest me. 

Our conversation starts light, talking about my recent vacation. Her second question is, "Tell me about your job. Do you like it?"  Conversations usually shutdowns when I say I work for a Chinese automotive wheel supplier. I left the fact my company is Chinese-owned this time.  I want the conversation to continue; I am bored. I doubt we will match.

I get it. I have red flags too. I share my bed with a twenty-year-old addict, but I am trying to change this. Imagine if she looks me up and reads my book or this blog. Dating? Dating is hard.

TikTok

 I am working upstairs in the loft when I hear the familiar sounds of someone entering the front door. Sienna, my cat, quickly scurries off to hide in the spare bedroom. She doesn't like unexpected guests. I know who is here. Max has not been over in a few days to make TikTok videos.

I go downstairs. Max and his girlfriend are seated on the couch. His girlfriend has a Starbucks coffee sitting on the coffee table. Max is searching his phone. He wants to show me what he wants for his birthday.

"You are jumping the gun a bit, aren't you?" I say. His birthday is still two months away. He sends me a link to a $300 War Hammer figurine. We both agree the price is a bit steep

.

He sends me another link. This figurine is over $1000. "You should just buy yourself a 3D printer and make your own," I suggest. He feels the size would be prohibitive.

 

I put a frozen pizza in the oven for myself. My eating habits have deteriorated since Billie and I broke up. I don't feel like making meals for one. Firefly seldom eats. When she does, it is usually after midnight.

The pair go down the basement to make videos. I am glad I have the green screen and lighting in the basement. Max uses it more for his TikTok than I do for my Legos. 

I go back to the loft and continue working. I can hear them laughing downstairs. They stay for an hour. I tell Max he needs to cross-advertise on YouTube and Instagram to get more followers. I feel he could make some money off his hobby if he took it seriously. He does not seem interested. Maybe he knows the reality of it better than I.

You can check him out on TikTok tech_priest_.

Polar Vortex

 To Billie and Tinkerbell, my book represents a past they wish to forget. It is something they would not want to read. I did not understand this at first. Not all the things I captured concerning myself were positive either, but there were good moments along the way.

For me, my book symbolizes moving forward. I am working on it still. I apologize to and appreciate all those who have bought a copy. I am working with Grammarly and an editor for one more attempt at getting it to where I can feel happy with the results. It has been a learning experience. I will gladly send another copy to those who purchased it when I am satisfied. During the past few weeks, I have felt discouraged, but I have found ways to move forward and ways to improve my writing.

This morning it was -10 degrees outside. I drove to the dentist for my six-month cleaning. I cannot imagine being outside for any amount of time in such cold. 

Cold seeps into the house during the day. I never feel warm until I am downstairs riding my bike or back under the covers of my bed. Lately, I have preferred being under the covers.

Firefly stays up all night, disrupting my sleep pattern. It is the crack. The past two days reminded me why I  kicked her out in the first place. She is worse now than before. She wants to be left alone but given any freedom, she self-destructs. I'd compromise if it didn't affect my sleep, or my life.  But it will end up happening. It is enviable.

Snow

The snow started in the evening. I did not notice at first. I was busy exercising on my bike, showering, and working on a Lego project. It was after eight before I looked outside. The temperature is in the teens. The snow is light and accumulating fast. The wind is blowing it around adding to the whiteout conditions. They say we will be getting 6 to 10 inches. I am looking forward to taking the Gladiator out into it tomorrow.

It seems like a large swath of the nation is getting snow. This will be the most we have received at one time so far this year. It is pretty good considering it is mid-February. I have not ventured from the house much. A run to the grocery store and a quick trip to the craft store are the two exceptions this week.

Firefly is back. She rolled in Friday night looking worse for wear and announced, "I am going to take a shower."

"Hello to you too," I replied.

She did not do herself any favors while she was on her own. There is not much good I can say about her condition. She has been using. I think having a stable home helps, but not enough. She is her own worst enemy. 

Pour A Little Salt

Tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right at the moment, this order's tall

John, the author of the blog Going Gently, mentioned a few posts back reaching out to his ex and having a conversation. After the psychic reading, I sent Billie an email. I know now why a cannot. I think the psychic was trying to warn me.  She tried avoiding the topic of Billie.

We exchanged emails. Words filled with encouragement. We skate around the sensitive issues, never discussing what is going on deeply in our lives. That is not how I communicate with my other friends and it leaves me with a mixed bag of emotions. None of them good. I am living in the past; searching for the comfort Billie symbolizes.

What I see happening between you and Billie, the relationship keeps going back and forth but then it never really takes off.  When it does take off, it fizzles out. I see in an inconsistent way; you and Billie are going to communicate with each other. It is going to be very generic. --The Psychic

I have been plagued with self doubt this past week. Firefly leaving has left it mark. I am once again searching for a new direction, but feel stuck in the mud. I am not sure what I want, but I wish I could fixate on something else.

And now, all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lies
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
And who will fall far behind?.. Skinny Love, Bon Iver

The Book

I am very proud of my book. It is something I wanted to do for a long time. It may not be best seller material but I think it is a compilation of some of my best writing. I know it is difficult for some of the people mentioned in the book to relive the past. It was hard for me to reread some parts.  Tinkerbell doesn't want to read it.  I doubt Billie would either.  It was never my intention to paint anyone in a bad light. It is a story. The characters are real and the events happened.  True all the events were recorded through my eyes and people see things differently.

 I don't think it paints anyone as a villain or a hero. It is a snapshot of life. I think it is a good story because things aligned.  Blogging was popular and I would put a lot of effort into chronicling my life. I don't think I will be able to recapture it again. It was fifteen years in the making. I doubt there will be a volume two.

 I only wish I could capture a fictional tale with the same vivid imagery.

Psychic Again

 Sienna, my cat, has taken to sleeping on my side of the bed in front of my pillow during the day now that Firefly has gone.  I think it is because the house is cold. The temperature outside has been in the low 20's during the day and into the single digits at night.

I had another psychic reading today. As usual, she was spot on. She spoke a lot about Firefly. She did not see Firefly going away.  She said the following about Firefly:

I pick up a lot of karma. I want to say it was meant to be--the two of you meeting. I do see the two of you getting back.  I see her moving back in.  If you try reaching out to her, there will be times when she will talk to you, then there will be other times when she will ignore you--because she can be very stubborn. It takes her a while to cool off.  For example, I said I see her moving back in, and I said not anytime soon. If she were in front of me, she would say, NO WAY.  She would think I am crazy.

She had the following to say about Billie:

Your love for Billie is extremely deep.  You are always going to have feelings for Billie.  I see you and Billie inconsistently communicating with each other. It is going to be very generic.  I see you seeing each other, but I want to say I see Billie having her guard up. She will be somewhat protective of her heart. Billie still has feelings for you, and I see that she always will.  It is just that she would like to be friends. 

What is in my future? Not much other than Firefly still coming around. This psychic doesn't say what you want to hear. She just tells you what she sees. I was left feeling sad. It was like someone looking at my life and telling me the truth--the truth about myself and my relationships with others. It is an honesty that can be hard to face. Seeing the reality of the near future, there is nothing left but to make the most of it.

Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, het now

When the world comes in...Don't Dream It's Over, Crowded House

The Weekend

 I discussed Firefly’s departure with my friend Jay over the phone on Friday. He said, ‘now you are going to have to find another one,’ when I was finished.

I don’t feel like finding another one—at least not yet.  I don’t think I have seen the last of Firefly. We parted on good terms considering.  I would be fine with her stopping by occasionally.  She is just not moving back.

Two copies of my book came in the mail Friday. I waited long than the others who ordered it. Bad review aside, I feel a sense of accomplishment looking at the book on my nightstand.

I took my twins to breakfast Saturday morning.  The Coney Island where we ate was not busy or crowded.  I think most people are still avoiding eating out.  After breakfast, they came back to the condo.  We played Star Wars Battle Front for several hours and then they stayed the night.

I got a text from Firefly on Saturday night.  It was not from her phone.  It said, ‘send boyfriend’s number.’

‘Where is your phone? You told me you knew his number by heart the other night.’

‘It died. I thought so.’

I sent her the number and added, ‘I am not even going to ask why you are away from your phone charger.’

She did not offer an excuse.

Tonight, it is going to get down to 2 degrees above zero.  My furnace has been turning on frequently. The house is dry. I only have a portable humidifier I keep in the bedroom. I am going to turn down the heat and turn on the electric mattress pad when I go to bed.

Departure

Firefly came back from her extended overnight with her boyfriend Wednesday night. We discussed the rules she agreed to when she got back from Texas. She acted demurely and agreed to them but was back to lies and deceit before the night was done.

Thursday, she spent the entire day in bed. She said it was because she had a migraine. Who knows. I also saw her text, someone Wednesday night, saying she was already getting sick.

Today, I told her I was fed up with the games and that she should leave. She argued briefly. She said I was crazy and liked to make things up, but I know better. This is not the first addict I have been around.

Firefly has a job. She starts working at the dry cleaners Monday. Her father came through and bought her a car. She can figure things out on her own. It is not worth it to me putting up with drama anymore. Her focus is never on doing what she needs. It was time.

We parted amicably considering. I told her, 'I don't hate you. I am just tired of the arguing.'

She packs up a considerable amount more than when she moved in here. We hugged for a few moments in the kitchen, we shared a kiss, and she left. I am sad about it. She can be fun. I like Firefly, but I don't feel any guilt. She is much better off than when she came to me. She said she did not know where she was going. I hope she goes back to her parents. At least for a few weeks.

A Ramble of Thoughts and Updates

 So few people blog these days. There was a time when I had thirty people on my blogroll who chronicled their lives on blogs. I used to call it, getting to know a person from the inside out.  The posts were often deep and personal. The written word seems to be dead. Replaced by photos and one minute videos.

My son Max dresses up a a cosplay character from War Hammer games and makes TikTok videos calling himself the tech_priest_. He has acquired 13,000 viewers in a few months. The problem with photos-- they can be filtered. No one is baring their soul on Instagram, usually just their body for attention.

Firefly is starting a job this Friday at a local drycleaners. That is a good thing. She has been moping around since the crash.  The boyfriend is out of rehab. firefly is starting the same behavior as before. She cannot be separated from him. That does not work for me, if she wants to live here. They are no good for each other. She needs to focus on saving money and buying a car. I do not think he has a job. There is no motivation to find one when she is around him either. He is an electrician by trade but he was selling drugs to make money before he got the two DUI's. He has not dealt with those yet. You cannot tell me an electrician cannot find work right now.

The boyfriend's roommates and his family do not want them together. They can see what he refuses. They go out of their way to make it difficult for him to see her. Firefly and the boyfriend sneak around and hide their relationship. It is only a matter of time before someone on that side figures it out.

Firefly signed a set of rules similar to a three-quarter house when she got back from Texas. I let them side in December because I wanted to go one the road trip. Now, the vacation is over. I am telling her tonight she can either live by the rules or move out. I do not plan on arguing or policing her. Part of me wants to be alone for awhile. I am beginning to enjoy my solitude. That is a far change from when I was first divorced.

All the reediting of my book has me missing Billie.

I feel like this is a stand alone statement because there is nothing I am going to do about it.  I miss the connection and comfort we shared. In the book I pondered what is worse; never experiencing something, or missing something you experienced. I feel like it is never experiencing something. Our lives are a collection of experiences.