Out Visiting

Yesterday I went to see Firefly at the restaurant where she works. I am proud to say she is doing good. She looks healthy. Firefly is a bit stressed but happy. Her baby is a chubby bundle of joy. I think little Ava has given her something to focus on. I am really happy for her.

We chatted for an hour while I ate and she worked. The restaurant was slow, so we had time to swap a few stories. Firefly is engaged to her boyfriend. They hope to get married in September, but as with all kids their age, money is tight.

Went to see Jay and his wife after. Jay finished the remodel of his basement and is now embarking on a new project.  His 82 year-old mother just bought a condo, and Jay will be working on that.  It keeps him busy. He enjoys remodeling and gets antsy when he doesn't have a project.

My arm is still on the mend. I have mostly stopped using the sling. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to find out the next steps in my recovery. Otherwise, things have been peaceful here. 

Christmas Present and Past

It is the day after Christmas. Twin A spent the night yesterday. This morning, I got out of the house to pick up a few supplies. When I got home, I noticed my phone had stopped working. The clerk at the phone store said it was the screen, but I had wanted a new phone anyway, so I bought a new Galaxy flip for myself. I can afford a Christmas present. It is the only one I received. Not that I was looking for gifts.

I went to have dinner with Alexis and Sam on Christmas eve. Alexis made ham and other accompaniments. I heard from Ava, my kids, and a few friends on Christmas. The only one who didn't reply was Tinkerbell. She was silent. 

I stopped enjoying Christmas about the time I got divorced. Though, it has always stressed me out. The best Christmas I've had lately was when Firefly and I were on the road trip, and we did Christmas in Tucson. I did a brief search through old posts. There were no happy Christmas posts. Even when Billie and I were together, we went to Milford and spent the day with her extended family. I never enjoyed that. I felt like a fish out of water.

Here is a post from a December past.

All I Want For Christmas
Originally Posted Tuesday, December 15, 2009

All I want for Christmas is Miranda Kerr with a bow on her ass. I'd settle for a select few others if there are no more Mirandas on the shelf.

Presents show how well a person knows you or how much a person thinks of you. I hate getting presents. Luckily I get very few anymore, so I needn't worry much. A few years back, I was picking Max up on Christmas Eve. He came out of the ex-wife's house with a present wrapped for me. It was a few of his own toys. The poor kid felt so bad. Luckily now he gets to buy things at Santa Shop at school. What a mother.

I like giving gifts. Tinkerbell was always a fun person to buy for. She liked anything I picked out. The Twins know how to suck the joy right out of Christmas lately. We will see how THAT proceeds. I swear I've raised them wrong. They are greedy little bastards. Honestly, I'll be glad when the holidays are over, and everyone is gone. The shit just stresses me out. Besides, what's the point if Miranda Kerr isn't under the tree?

*     *     *

When the kids were little, I always ensured they had something for their mother for Christmas. I didn't put much effort into it, but I ensured they picked something out. 

Christmas now is time away from work. A chance to do for me and relax. That is where the joy comes from. Maybe I am bitter or just being realistic. Next year, I should plan another getaway.

A Snapshot Of December

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  A Charle Brown Christmas

Reading…  I downloaded Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson but have only started to read it.

Watching…  DVDs I watched both seasons of Dark Angel, Jessica Alba at her hottest. I swear the network told the studio to tone her down after the first few episodes and Firefly, Josh Whedon's space cowboy series.

Creating … Things are slow on the creative front.

Hoping… For a speedy recovery and to see Ava come the new year.

Buying… I have managed not to buy anything lately. Just paying for medical expenses.

Loving...  My time away from work. I don't feel the need to check on things.

Planning… NO plans for next year as of yet, but hopefully, soon.

Missing… Ava's booty calls. It has been a while since I have seen her.

Feeling…  Optimistic about my recovery time.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Day Three Through Five

 Day three was uneventful. I watched DVDs and sat around. On day four, I pulled out the PIK line for the pain pump and took a shower. There is little to see. I have four insertion points, one at the armpit, two at the side of the shoulder, and one at the back.

The pain is mostly gone. I have been taking the sling off more and more. I am down to using a half-pain pill when needed. I can raise my arm to a horizontal position. I would say it is going well. I am optimistic about the speed of my recovery.

We have been under a Winter Weather Advisory for forty-eight hours. We only received an inch of snow but have been plagued with high winds and single-digit temperatures. It is an excellent time to stay indoors.

I am typing this two-handed, but still, I need to do most things with my right arm. Shaving, brushing my teeth, and anything that requires strength. 

Max came over yesterday. He brought me a new vape, had something to eat, and watched the first episode of Wednesday.

Alexis is having dinner this evening and has asked me to join them. She is having intermittent trouble with her heat. It sounds like a pilot light issue. It could be the winds. I wouldn't mind getting out of the house. It has been five days. I need to sit down and work on my Lego project. I have been too antsy to do so.

I've managed to get in an average of 8,000 steps a day for the last 4 days by pacing downstairs. I don't want the rest of my body going to seed while I recover. I plan to get back on my bike downstairs next week.

Day Two

 Day two seems like it will be the worst. I may have overdone it. I woke up early. I cannot sleep on my back, yet that is my only option. Feeling and movement came back to my arm and hand. Along with that came the pain. I started taking the hydrocodone along with the pain pump feeding directly into the area. First, one pill, then two.

I built a store-bought Lego to keep myself occupied, and I paced the first floor to get my steps in for the day. I saw the mouse at the trap. He sat there eating away while Max and I watched.

The pain continued to get worse throughout the day. I was napping upstairs when Sienna started meowing at me. I got up and checked the trap. It was still empty, but something else was going on. Does anyone remember when the carriage unit attached to mine had a leaky hot water tank? Water leaked down from their utility room into my laundry room. Well, it happened again.

This time it was water from their washing machine. I was so pissed. I threw a coat over my shoulder and knocked on their door. I looked like a deranged homeless man. This was a new renter. She was reluctant to open the door.

"Your hot water tank is leaking again," I started bluntly.

"I just moved here," she replied.

Honestly, all these overweight middle-aged women look the same to me. I apologized and explained the situation. I asked her if she knew how to shut the water off. She assured me she did. I left unsure and promptly returned. I didn't want forty gallons of water pouring down the ceiling. That is when she informed me she thought it was from the washing machine. The drain pipe was not appropriately secured.

Angry and in pain, I called Max to come help with the ceiling. I was lying in bed at the end of the day. My shoulder was throbbing, and I was feeling helpless. I was on the phone complaining to Sam about my situation when I heard the snap of the mousetrap. Things are starting to look up.

Day One Part II- Mousetrap

While pacing downstairs, waiting for my meal to cook, I spotted the mouse on Tuesday night. It scurried around the corner from the living room into the kitchen. I wasn't sure I had seen it at first. I camped out in the kitchen, and it reappeared from under the dishwasher. I called Sienna. The cat was sleeping on the couch. Sienna finally saw the mouse but failed to catch it. She had a second chance a half hour later and failed again.

I found an old trap in the garage and baited it. I used chocolate pudding left over from my first road trip with Ava. Ideally, I like using peanut butter, but I don't eat the stuff, so I don't have any around. I placed the trap in the small gap between the refrigerator and the wall, fat enough back that Sienna would not trip it.

I checked the trap later in the evening, and the bait was gone. Now I know the mousetrap is in a good spot. I rebaited it with a piece of a chocolate cookie. I smashed it into the center. The trap is old. It might have lost its sensitivity. I will need to ask Max to pick up some more and some peanut butter.

Surgery

 I am typing this one-handed. The surgery went well. Max and I arrived at 5:30 a.m., and we were out by 10:00. There is no pain. The only thing I do not like is that I cannot move my arm or hand. It is from the nerve block. My hand is lifeless. It reminds me of that stripper I met a while ago. I wonder what happened to her.

So far, I am just feeling restless. I have been pacing the condo and searching for things to do with one hand. Sleeping will be hard. I cannot sleep on my back. I think I'd rather be in pain than have a dead arm. We will see.

Random Info

I am certain household-accident will be my cause of death. Yesterday I fell down the stairs. I wasn't in a hurry. My socks slipped on the carpet. No injuries were sustained. This morning I was moving slowly and groggy. As I turned on the shower, I coughed and slammed my head into the corner of the wall. One of these things, or the fact I don't realize I am almost 60, not 30, will be the death of me.

Sienna has been spending an excessive amount of time in the kitchen. She hears noises. I haven't seen any signs of a mouse. It has been years since I have had mice in the condo. Not since the great recession when several adjacent units sat vacant. At least the cat is doing her job.

This morning I am not feeling good. Probably from bumping my head. :). I am working from home and feel like crawling back into bad. I keep telling myself, one more day, and you will be in bed more than you want.

Kat was supposed to come over last night, but she canceled. It is a case of two people needing to be more interested in being with each other. I don't mind that Kat canceled., which enforces my point. We are using each other as backups.

As I have been saying for years, the first artificial womb facility will open next year. We will no longer need women to carry a baby to term. This will reduce marriage rates, create custom babies, and ultimately in some parts of the world, babies designed with specific tasks in mind, like a soldier, construction worker, or scientist. Is this the beginning of the Matrix? If you watch the video, it looks like the beginning of Gattaca 

Party

 I spent the day giving the condo a good cleaning Saturday. I tend to keep the condo clean anyway, but I will be shorthanded come Tuesday and wanted to make sure it will remain clean for the immediate future. 

Saturday night was my company's Christmas party. I was very noncommital about going. I enjoyed it more when Billie and I were together. Is it worth the $250 gift card and $60 waterproof speaker I won? I am being too harsh. Most people do not get a Christmas party and gifts. These are on top of my five-figure bonus.

I tried on my various suit jackets Saturday afternoon and decided one would do, but as I got out of the shower and dressed, I realized it was too large. I looked like David Burns in that Talking Heads video. It was too late to purchase a new jacket, so I put on one of my new overcoats and went to the party without a suit coat. I didn't care.

The Christmas party is held every year at the same country club. It is a forty-five-minute drive for me. The area had light snow showers, but the roads remained clear. My plan was to arrive late and leave early. I didn't achieve either. 

Exceptions

 Sam, Twin A, and I were having dinner at Green Lantern-- pizza. Twin A asked if I had heard from my brothers. I indicated I had not. 

"You don't talk to your brothers?" Sam asked.

"I texted them back on Thanksgiving," I replied. 

Sam indicated she argues with her sisters, but they are still close.

My brothers and I have never been close. I used to describe my family as five people who live under the same roof. My parents were the glue that held us connected. When my parents moved to Indiana, that connection frayed. I would get together occasionally with my older brother when Billie and I were together, but for the most part, I just avoided them.

I haven't seen my brothers since we interred my father's ashes. That was almost two years ago now. There is not a strong bond there. I am trying to understand why. I'd blame it on my parents not nurturing a family bond. My dad was an only child. My mother has a sister, and they were close, but not my brothers and me.

I don't find this strange or desire for it to change. It is the recluse in me. I am willing to let certain relationships go. I am more likely to do that as I get older. My close friends are the exception. 

Wednesday

 Ava came over last night. It was the last time we would see each other this year. Her schedule is continuing to get more unpredictable. Ava indicated she is taking an administrative assistant position after the first. I think she is resigning herself to a more mundane life. Still, she was talking about getting away for a weekend in January. We will see.

Ava told me she has dogs sitting jobs booked over the holidays. She will watch dogs in her boyfriend's home over Christmas and New Year. In addition, she talked about booking two more dogs which would require her to visit a person's house three times a day for an hour. This would mean her boyfriend would be dragged into helping her.

When I indicated her boyfriend might find it less than ideal, she minimalized my claim and ended up changing the subject. I certainly would not want to be watching dogs over my holiday. Limiting my free time and taking away from any time they would spend together. I doubt she shares the proceeds from the jobs, but I am sure she would have a justification for that too.

After Ava left, I stayed up late into the night watching The Queen's Gambit on Netflix. There aren't many programs on right now that I am interested in watching. I have several old series on DVD. I might have to pull one of those out while I recover.

I cannot wait for the week to wind down and for the holidays to be over. I have my company's Christmas party this Saturday. I've debated skipping that. I want to get the brakes looked at on the Gladiator. They have been squeaking, though the truck should not need brakes yet.

I cannot wait for the seclusion of my upcoming vacation/recovery. I am not sure if that is a sign of depression or just me wanting to be alone. Maybe I am missing the point of the holiday season, but it just seems like a time of added stress. It has always felt that way to me.

Brief

The twins stayed the night on Friday. I took them to the store and bought them clothes for Christmas. They needed new things. They are growing out of their clothes, which is not good. They are overweight.

It is going to be a busy work week. Everyone is trying to get things completed before the holiday. I only have the next 5 days to complete all my work for the year. Not everything will get done. Luckily, next year has not been canceled. 

I have finished all my pre-operation appointments and passed with flying colors, although my blood pressure is slightly higher than I'd like. I really need to stop vaping. That is on my list for the end of the year. I will have a sling for six weeks. After the first few, it sounds like it is more of a reminder not to move my arm in the wrong direction or to lift heavy objects. The doctor will screw my bicep muscle back into place and clean up anything else he sees.

The operation is outpatient and should only take about an hour. Although, just like going to the airport, there is over an hour of preparation beforehand. Max will be taking me to the surgery. They think I will be first in line, so it should happen early in the morning, and I can go back home and pass out for the first day.

I plan on writing more during the break. I plan on doing a few things. We will see how it goes.

Booty Call

 Ava texted me last night. I swear, sometimes I think she reads this blog. We arrange for a last-minute booty call. I am okay with those, though her sneaking around only allows a little time. Ava snacked on chips before we headed upstairs to watch an episode of Wednesday on Netflix on the bed. 

I had Ava sit in front of me, and I massaged her back while we watched the show. I've watched each of the episodes at least twice. I like it. Wednesday is full of great one-liners, and the girls who play the main characters are both excellent. Some of the timing in the episodes becomes questionable after a second watch, but not enough to be discouraging. I hope they can make this one continue for a few seasons.

As the episode ended. My hands moved around to cup Ava's firm breasts. She purred to the rhythm of my touch before excusing herself to brush her tooth. Ava returned and joined me beneath the covers. I rolled on top of her and chided her for just wanting a quicky. 

"I'm so glad you have an hour to spare for me." I jokingly reduced the time each time I took a break from exploring her torso to come back and kiss her.

Nothing compares to the comfort of being with someone familiar. I've grown fond of Ava's quirks. She is not the typical woman I meet. She is a peculiar mix of youth and maturity about her that I find appealing. Ava doesn't show any signs of going away. None of the red flags seems to be triggering her boyfriend. She just told me about another apparent incident that occurred. 

Though I should give Kat more time to become comfortable, I am not feeling the urge. I spent time talking with the other woman online whom I found interesting. Kat was the best of the bunch. They don't compare to what I have now. I will probably wait and try again after I start to recover.

Kat

Kat came over for the first time last night. She dressed casually in jeans, a cropped lavender hoodie, and a black bralette. I am still trying to pull Kat out of her shell. Kat seems used to very transactional arrangements. I am looking for something more for her. We will see if that develops.

Kat arrived a bit after 6:30. She wasn't hungry, so we didn't get any food. After a condo tour, we sat at the kitchen table and talked for a while. Kat lives alone. In a studio apartment in the city. Kat is thinking about getting a roommate and moving into a bigger place come March when her lease is up.

She does some type of teaching within the Detroit public schools. Her family lives near me but moved here recently. Kat only spent a summer living in New Baltimore. When I asked her what she did last Friday, she told me she went to see a techno band, then went to an after-hours bar with her friends. 

We headed upstairs, where we continued to talk clothed above the sheets. I started commenting on a few of Kat's tattoos. She has several springled over her body. This broke the ice and proceeded to us removing clothes.

Sex with Kat was-- okay. Definitely not on the level of Ava or the Gymnast. Kat is a tall girl and not thin for her height. She is more challenging to throw around than Ava. Still, she has a decent body. Though, after being with Kat, I have a new appreciation of the effort Ava puts into herself before hopping into bed.

Kat may have too much of the young college-educated pink hair feminist in her for my tastes. The jury is still out on that one.

On the plus side, Sienna got along with her. I don't know what that says about Ava. Ava is the only one that the cat doesn't like. I think it is because Ava is afraid of her.

Weekend

Sunday, Sam goaded me into driving forty-five minutes across town and going to the Twelve Oaks Mall by threatening to get a new "boyfriend." I was reluctant to leave the comfort of the condo and didn't feel like shopping, but I acquiesced.

The mall was not packed, but there was a good flow of people walking about. Nothing like the Christmas crowds of twenty years ago. The store I liked best, Lord & Taylor, closed a few years ago. I can't find a replacement.

I ended up by two overcoats at Macy's. One is black, and the other is a wine color. I couldn't beat the prices. $100 and $130. Sam is a great shopping partner. She has no problem telling me what looks good and what looks terrible. She tends to encourage me to buy, though, which can be expensive.

I also bought a jacket and shirt at Buckle. Those were Sam's idea and a bit of an impulse. I don't go shopping very often, though, so it is okay. Sam didn't end up buying anything. I think she just wanted to get out.

We ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory. There was a 1.5-hour wait, but we managed to slide into the bar area within five minutes. Surprisingly, neither of us ended up having cheesecake. I had grilled salmon, but most of the meals on their menu are more calories than one should eat in a day, and THAT is without the cheesecake! I wonder how people can eat out all the time.

I was texting with Firefly last night. She is doing good. Firefly likes being a mom. Her bay is cute. Firefly is one year clean. I told her I was proud if her.

Interview With

I said I wasn't sure if I even wanted to find a new arrangement, but the SA dating site was having a sale, so I ventured out. I have been talking with five women. If only regular dating sites were as lucrative. I'd have fewer potential opportunities in a year on Bubble or Tinder. Does that say about dating on those sites, or does that just say something about me?

Of the five women, the first was young. Instinctively, she was more like Firefly, probably fueling an addiction. I tried arranging a coffee date with her a few times, but things didn't work out, so I gave up on her. Something tells me she will try reaching out again when desperate, but I am not interested.

We already talked about Summer. She was giving me the covert narcissist vibes. She canceled our coffee date and wanted to reschedule, but she has too many negatives. "Well, I'm sorry that I got Covid, and something else came up that I cannot control." If they cannot meet for coffee, how reliable would she be on a regular basis?

Kat is also younger, but she was responsive and made it out for a drink Friday night. Kat has shoulder-length red hair and a pretty face; she is more appealing in person than in her pictures. She is tall. When we were walking out, I noticed she stood almost at my height in her Doc Martin boots which I complimented.

Kat and I met at Fishbones in St. Claire Shores. She lives in the city, so I figured it would be a suitable central location. We met after work. The restaurant was not busy. I arrived first. I told her not to rush because construction was causing me delays in arriving.

Kat wore a red blazer or a black cami over a pair of black pants. The conversation came easily. Kat works in the Detroit public school system. Not an easy job. We came to an agreement, and she wants to continue to see. Like I've said before, I have yet to meet a girl on that site for drinks that wasn't interested in continuing, though I have decided against a few.

Kat is familiar with my area. She used to live here. Her only stipulation was a desire not to hang out in the establishments in my area. All her family still lives here. I understand her concern and have no problem with that. We have plans to get together again on Wednesday.

The fourth women is Tiff. She was responsive too. She and I had plans to meet at Beyond Juice Saturday morning at 10:00. Tiff is local to my area. I thought that would be a bonus. She indicated she was thirty-three, but she also selected the Prefer Not To say option under kids. The only reason I can think of to answer prefer not to say is that you have at least one child. Women with kids cannot be as spontaneous. 

Tiff and I sent texts to each other. I wasn't finding any common like during our conversation, but I was willing to see how we connected in person. I texted her a few times between 9:30 and 10:00 and received no response. Ultimately, I decided not to show up at Beyond Juice and went to breakfast with Twin A instead.

I received a text from Tiff at 3:00 in the afternoon. "Shit, I am so sorry. I totally slept all day."

Perhaps, had she said, I lost my phone or an emergency. I would reconsider, but sleeping in until 3:00 in the afternoon when she made plans she seemed eager for just doesn't fly with me. There was a time when I would have given a second chance, but I have become less tolerant of such behavior. At best, she was tired from working and taking care of her kid/kids all week. At worst, she got the chance and partied late Friday night. I don't find either excuse appealing.

The last woman is Raven. She is thirty and cute in her pictures. She reminds me of Ava; I feel she would be a good travel partner. The only problem with Raven is she lives in Oxford. That is an hour away from me. We may not be able to come to a suitable arrangement, and I am not looking to travel anytime soon with the surgery coming up. We talked about getting together for a drink on Thursday. I am thinking of keeping that date for now.

Change

Yesterday I worked from home. Strong winds buffeted the condo, rattling the sides and causing the building to creak and moan. Temperatures were in the thirties. Thankfully, only brief snowflakes appeared. I remained inside except for a brief foray out to the curb to retrieve the trash can.

It has been over three years since Billie moved out. Three years since I started blogging again. I have accumulated five-hundred posts since then. In some ways, it doesn't seem that long ago. Our break up was a catalyst for change for us both.

Change can be a good thing. It can seem scary, painful, and not always for the better, but often it is what you make of it. Most people avoid change. Some changes are easier for me than others. I don't have a problem switching jobs. Relationships were always harder. Relationships are closer to the bedrock that defined me. I've been working on other things to express myself-- hobbies and interests that would often remain dormant during a relationship.

I feel like I am slowing down, though. Sometimes, I ask if this will be it and wonder if it is enough. Is there still one more reinvention on the horizon, and what would it be? 

I am lazy by nature. I am not sure whether it is my nature or human nature. I do my best work under a deadline. I change when the circumstance calls for it. 

On a separate note, I learned today that not everyone has an internal monologue. That amazes me. I cannot imagine what it would be like not to have an internal monologue all day. 

Eleven more official working days in the year.

Broke Parts

I think Ava did get caught. She just didn't want to tell me. She probably wiggled her way out of it with lies but feels like she is on thin ice. With her uncharacteristic last words, "I'll be in touch." I wouldn't be surprised if she just ghosts me. I would be disappointed but not surprised.

Ironically, I don't have to make these things up. Sunday, I reached out to a girl from SA that I was texting back in September. We once planned to get together for coffee, but she got Covid, and things fizzled at the time. So we never met. 

Summer: I would definitely like a re-do, though, and to get a drink with you sometime!

Bathwater: How is your week looking? I am open except for Wednesday.

Summer: I can do Tuesday. I have to work till around 5:00.

Bathwater: Tuesday works for me. Let's meet at Atomic Coffee in Royal Oak around 6:30. Does that work for you?

Summer: Yes, that will be perfect.

Monday night, I received another message from Summer.

Summer: Hey there! I would like to be upfront about something before we meet tomorrow. I am not sure if I told you before or not, but I'm currently in a relationship in which he does not know I'm on the site on the side.

Is that a problem for you? I can only truly meet on weekdays and stay out till 8-9 ish.

It turns out Summer has been in a relationship for a year and a half. Her availability would be much the same as Ava's. Still, I agreed to get coffee with her Thursday. I do like a puzzle. Am I the only one that finds these woman's actions unusual? Is Summer another narcissist? My lifestyle must expose me to a specific type of woman. 

Sometimes I do feel surrounded by the wrong people. 

We are, we are, we are made from broken parts
We are, we are, we are broken from the start
And our hearts, our hearts, they were beating in the dark
'Cause we are, we are, we are built from broken parts... We Are, Hollywood Undead

Long Weekend

 I stayed home for Thanksgiving. I made meatloaf and mashed potatoes and ate two pieces of store-bought creme pie. During my four-day vacation, I took apart the large tower, rebuilt it, and condensed my display. I am happy with the results and have a good idea of what will come next.

Friday morning, Ava reached out to me. We made plans to meet at J Baldwins for dinner at 8:00. I made reservations. Later that afternoon, Ava texted me wanting to change plans. Though she wanted to stop at J Baldwins to pick up gift cards (they were having a sale), she wanted to know if I just wanted to order carryout instead. She claimed she trying to be respectful of my time, but I felt she was gaslighting me. 

Ava had ulterior motives. My only guess is that she was worried about being seen in public with me. I couldn't get ahold of her before dinner, but she showed up at precisely 8:00, and the rest of the evening was fine. While we were at dinner, she mentioned the friend she had a falling out with had texted her boyfriend and warned him that she was still hanging out with me. Apparently, this happened a few weeks ago. Her timing was fuzzy.

She told him Jay was lying and said she made it through the conversation. I find it hard to believe that he is that dense. With all the other things that don't add up, it should have opened his eyes. Regardless, something is going on with Ava. As Liz mentioned in her comment, "cracks are forming."  What that means is anyone's guess. It is too much work trying to figure it out.

I suggested Ava consider surrendering to her relationship, but she admitted she could not stop doing what she does. That is one thing I believe. "Then, eventually, you will get caught," I told her.

All the lying has got to be exhausting. I find it exhausting, and it doesn't impact me. My comments to Ava are my way of saying either embrace who you are or change. Standing on the fence is the worst place to be. There is no wrong choice except to not make one.

Ava spent the night, and we had a good time. We always seem to have a good time. We watched a few episodes of Wednesday before heading upstairs. I tossed her around the bedroom for an hour before we fell asleep, and in the morning, we did it again, a bit more subdued. Notably, Ava did not make plans to meet up again before leaving. Instead, she said she would be in touch. 

A coworker asked if Ava was keeping me from finding someone else. I don't think so. I do that myself.  right now, my excuse is my upcoming surgery. But, next year, it could be the case. Honestly, I am not motivated to find someone new. 

A Snapshot Of November

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  Several things from my Amazon playlist

Reading…  Still not reading anything, although I have been thinking of finding a good fantasy series to pass the time.

Watching…  Warrior Nun and Wednesday on Netflix. Both are fun series with cute female protagonists.

Creating … I finally have images of my new display to share. After much rebuilding, I am happy with the proportions of the first section of four plates.

This is where it started, but I did not like the open space and the outside stairs wrapped in the wrong direction.

After much rebuilding this weekend, I consolidated it from six wide to four wide and staggered the towers. There is still a lot to do.  There will be trees, a road, a stable on fire on the right side, and a hill with another waterfall, but I like the more compact setting. I do not like open space or to many square lines.

It is hard to see the detail in the back, but it will be another 360-degree display.

Hoping… The next three weeks go quickly.

Buying… I went shopping today. Bed Bath And Beyond is closing near me but didn't see anything I need. I looked for Lego deals over the weekend but didn't see any of these either.

Loving...  Solitude lately.

Planning… For my surgery in December, major plans are on hold until then. Although I am looking forward to displaying my Lego creation.

Missing… People and places, but nothing concrete.

Feeling…  Settled. The holidays are here, but they are nothing like I remember. Though, they were always stressful anyway and never as picturesque as in the past.

Changing Plans

 I met up with Ava for dinner at Somerset Mall last night. She complained that she could not buy more than one $500 Visa gift card at a time at local drugstores and that the $500 cards were even hard to find. The problems of a person who works for cash. The fact she is out buying gift cards to make purchases for the holidays tells me she is making the most of the time her boyfriend is away. I have to deduce what she is up to with Ava by what she doesn't say.

We ate at California Pizza kitchen. While we were out at dinner, she sprung a change in her plans for Friday. Originally, we were going to meet up Friday and go to a strip club (her idea) then she was spending the night. Ava made a last-minute dinner date with a friend for her birthday. 

"But you already have plans," I reminded her. 

That was when a litany of excuses came out, but I wasn't accepting them. Ava said she didn't think I would mind, yet she didn't bother consulting me before changing things."I can see what it is like arguing with you," I told her. 

Ava commented that she sees me about once a week, and I reminded her that she is paid to be there. That was not altruism on her part. The mood at our table shifted. We ate in silence until she shifted the conversation to the meal. I replied with short remarks. This was not going to be an excusable offense.

We walked the mall after dinner, browsing some of the stores. I made a quick purchase at the Lego store while we were there. Our conversation was disjointed. I would be referring to one thing while she another. Some of my humor returned while we shopped, but distance remained between us. 

Ava offered to change her plans back. In the end, I told her she could do what she wanted, but in my mind, I was feeling consequences were in order. Ava was heading to the gym after, and she offered for me to join her, but I decided it wouldn't be worth it.

This morning, she text me to let me know she moved her dinner with her friend to Monday and that we were all set for Friday. It was a prudent move on her part. We will see what happens Friday.

Flags

 It has been snowing here all day, but we are not getting any accumulation. To the west of us and to the east, they are getting feet of snow. I live in a safety zone that is spared. I think it has something to do with the nearby lakes.

Ava stopped over last night. She seemed preoccupied. I accused her of shoehorning me into her scheduled. Which was correct. Ava didn't know what the term meant. I told her it was forcing something into a tight space. She sees it as going out of her way to ensure she spends time with me. There is no convincing her otherwise.

I can't be offended. That is just Ava. She doesn't sit still. Always racing from one thing to the next. "That's just life," she would say. I'm trying to ban that phrase from her vocabulary. Life is what we choose it to be.

Ava's latest argument with her boyfriend was over her phone. He bought her a new phone months ago and put her on his plan. She didn't want that. He wanted her to get a new phone number to cut ties with her "past." By past, he meant her sugar-baby relationships. Ava argued that she needed to keep her Google number because it was attached to her financial apps.

This week Ava ordered a new SIM card for her phone. She no longer wants to be on his phone plan, which started the argument. Ava stated after the argument with her best friend, J, she no longer wants to be beholden to any man.

Part of the problem is the SIM card will only work over wifi. I told Ava I was on her boyfriend's side. She needed a phone that worked all the time, but I wouldn't argue if she wanted to pay for her own plan. Despite his sheltered mindset, the boyfriend's red flag meter must be going off. Maybe Ava sees it too. 

Ava told me she bought him a $300 electric snow blower for the winter. It was an early holiday gift. She says her boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck. Mind you, he works in the same industry as me and makes good money. 

On a separate note. Am I the only one who thinks Elon Musk is destroying Twitter on purpose so he can send it into bankruptcy? He can eliminate debt and then rebuild it. I mean, he is an ass, so he may think everyone should work like dogs. He has made similar comments before at Tesla, but I don't think he is this stupid.

Them Shoes

My mind is filled with ghosts
And more than most of all, my love's gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone where I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm livin' in a past life
In a past life, too
It's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So, here's a little feedback

You gotta wear those shoes

I spend my time trying to figure people out. Maybe it is to avoid figuring out myself. I don't think there is much left about me that I don't already know. At my age, there are no significant plans to make any changes. 

We received our first snow last night. It was not enough to cover the ground or the roads, just a harboring of what is to come. It is cold here. It is hard to believe we had temperatures in the sixties just a week ago.

I warned Ava the last time I saw her that she would need to find an excuse to get away between the Christmas and New Year holidays. Otherwise, she would be stuck with him for ten days. Judging from her actions on Halloween, her birthday, and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, she is probably dreading those ten days.

Her desire to distance herself from her boyfriend is apparent. I think it is both conscious and subconscious on her part. I try not to take away much from her wanting to be around me during those days. She is running low on other places she would like to escape. It is a tangled web that will continue playing out, at least until after my surgery.

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
And you have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes... Them Shoes, Patrick Sweany

Connect

I was not as productive as I had planned this weekend. Saturday, I was watching documentaries on Disney+ when I received a text from Ava.

Ava: What are you doing? I finally got away.

Bathwater: Where are you? And, happy birthday, btw.

Saturday was Ava's birthday. She convinced her boyfriend she wanted to be alone on her birthday and rented a hotel room for the evening. Ava wanted to know if I wanted to get together for dinner. Apparently, being alone did not exclude me.

I told her to pick a place she would like to eat, and I could meet her at the hotel in an hour. I jumped in the shower, packed a travel bag, and headed out. The hotel was on the other side of town. Forty minutes away. While I drove, Ava was updating me via text on her search for a place to eat. Last-minute reservations were hard to find. 

"I'm beginning to think you don't have a boyfriend," I remarked as she entered the Gladiator. 

It seems her story concerning her boyfriend having covid was true. He was still sick. Ava showed no signs of the virus. Ava had not found a restaurant by the time I arrived, so we decided to go to Twin Peaks, right across the street, for an appetizer and to continue our search. 

Twin Peaks is a sports bar where the waitresses wear booty shorts and red plaid shirts tied at the waist to expose their midriff and breast. I didn't find any of them appealing, though. Good-looking help is hard to find in this town.

Ava looked pretty. She wore high-heeled ankle boots, cream-colored leggings, and a sparkly silver top with cutouts at the shoulder. 

"You look nice," I told her as we sat at the table. "How did you sneak that out of the house?" Her sister was in town, which helped her excuse to leave, but Ava texted me rather than meet up with her.

Ava told her boyfriend she wanted to be alone on her birthday for weeks. She turned thirty on Saturday. A landmark she was not looking forward to achieving. She feels she is behind in her goals. Ava didn't think it was odd to want to be alone. I laughed and said it was strange that she didn't want to be with him, but I didn't press my point.

We didn't stay at Twin Peaks long. Ava found a restaurant nearby that didn't require reservations. I think part of her was having fun sneaking about. The restaurant was an unremarkable place. We sat and talked while we waited for the food. Ava debated whether to get carrot cake for dessert or soft-serve ice cream from a Vietnamese mocha place after. The ice cream won.

"You don't trigger me like he does," Ava admitted during the drive. They argued the day before. It is still a common occurrence between the two. I think half stem from the fact she doesn't want to be there. Her boyfriend hasn't spent any time figuring Ava out. Ava cannot sit still. He probably thinks he can change her. It hasn't worked so far.

Ava said he made her pancakes for breakfast and offered to pay for her hotel room after the argument, but she wouldn't allow it. Can you imagine?

"He is happy just having me around," Ava tells me.

I can understand that, but I do not understand the cluelessness and desperation. I don't think he gets much for his investment. Ava will never remain with him. I think she tries fooling herself sometimes. If she does stay, it wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.

The Mocha shop caters to a younger crowd. When we got there, a group of young adults played a board game at one of the tables. Ava and I ordered our dessert, and Ava picked up a wooden Connect Four game from a shelf and brought it to a table. Ava beat me four games in a row while we ate our ice cream. 

She takes her Connect Four seriously. "To my defense, the last time I played this game was probably with a four-year-old."

We headed back to the hotel. I joked about us sneaking in through the side entrance. "I'll walk two steps behind you and pretend I don't know you."

I'm a minimalist when staying in hotels, but Ava had arranged her room with her things. There was no big suitcase, though, and no indication that Ava had been away more than the night.

I sat on one of the beds. Ava came out of the bathroom wearing only the silver top and sat in front of me. My hands massaged her back, bare butt, and legs while we watched an episode of Pretty Little Things on Netflix. After Ava put on some music, I undressed, and we moved to the other bed.

We had sex in various positions before winding down beneath the covers. I sensed Ava wanted to spend some time alone. Besides, my staying the night would not be safe. Her boyfriend would probably be there bright and early with coffee. Ava asked if I wanted to take a shower. I deferred and said I would shower later at home.

I dressed, and we removed all evidence of my presence. Ava stood naked inside the doorway and kissed me before I departed. It was after midnight. The night was cold, and the streets were empty.

Pre-Weekend Updates

 I've noticed an increase in traffic to this blog. I am not sure why. Over the two days of October 28th and 29th, I had 1300 views. I only have about 500 posts. Even if someone read the whole blog, that would not explain it.

My one-day trip to Grand Rapids, the land of cornfields, Dollar stores, and cemeteries, was uneventful. It just makes for a long day. It is more than a two-and-a-half-hour drive in each direction. I did take the opportunity to stop at a mall with a Lego store on the way back. I spent $40 on things I didn't need but wanted.

I will try to take some pictures of the new display I am working on. It is coming along. I am expecting some pieces for that in the mail today. I will be working on it this weekend. I like just putting everything together and looking at it from every angle. Parts involve old ideas, but I have decided on a theme for this one, which will include three dragons. I don't think it will be as large as my last display, but next September is a long way off.

Canceled

Work is picking up. It seems like these last six weeks will be busy. Ava and I were going to get together Thursday, but she called today saying her boyfriend has Covid and she has to cancel all her plans. She has no excuse to leave the house because she cannot say she is visiting her mom. A week suck at home with him will probably drive her nuts.

Then again, it is her birthday this weekend, and his company has Thursday off, so he may have decided to take her somewhere. This is why once my arm is healed, it will be time to find someone new. It doesn't set me back if she cancels. It's Ava who feels the financial loss and will want to make up for it somewhere down the road. Regardless, I must drive to Grand Rapids on Thursday for work, and it would have been a long day.

I have been okay lately, just spending time alone. It doesn't make for exciting blog posts, but that's okay. I can stir up trouble if I really need to. I just don't feel the need. Ava and I have a sleepover planned for the Friday after Thanksgiving. She wants to go to a strip club for her birthday. I'm game for that, but I wish they were as fun as they used to be. We'd both have a better time.

Hands Down

 Friday, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a local pub and caught up. The discussion turned to music. Jay's wife said, "I like love songs. He doesn't."

Jay piped up and insisted he likes love songs and tried to prove it by pulling up the lyrics to a country song about a guy who loved his ex until the day he died.

"Sounds like a cautionary tale, not a love song," I noted. "I think Dashboard Confessional writes a good love song."

It was the same thing I'd said here before. Neither of them had heard of Dashboard Confessional. I wasn't surprised Jay's favorite band is U2. 

At dinner, I'd go into why I think so.

Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me
This night is wild
So calm and dull
These hearts they race
From self control
Your legs are smooth
As they graze mine
We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer..Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional

His songs remind me of times with Billie. This isn't a sad post reflecting on the past with rose-colored glasses, though. It is just the truth. 

I watch you spin around in your highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel

You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart... Stolen, Dashboard Confessional

I still listen to these songs. I like them. I like love songs. Stolen reminds me of the time Billie and I went to a local festival. Billie wore this long lyrca sundress that hugged every curve. 

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets

But you're not alone, and you're not discreet

Make sure I know who's taking you home

I'm reading your note over again

There's not a word that I comprehend

Except when you signed it

"I will love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs

And sit alone and wonder

How you're making out

And as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone

Making out

And so I am.

I'm missing your laugh

How did it break?

And when did your eyes begin to look fake?

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending...Screaming Infidelities, Dashboard Confessional

Hands down, the best.

Appointments

 I went to the doctor Wednesday for my consultation. I have a tear in the tendon on the front side of my shoulder, which also caused the upper anchor of my bicep to shift and the bicep muscle to come out of its groove. I have scheduled surgery for December 20th. December 19th will be the last day I work this year. This means I only have six work weeks left this year, and the week of Thanksgiving is not a whole week.

It was my first time seeing the doctor at this location. It happened to be the exact location of my father's oncologist. I don't know why doctors need to have several locations across the suburbs instead of just one. This surgeon has three. All are within twenty minutes of my office. He cannot be in three places on the same day. I guess he could, but it seems awfully inconvenient.

I had Alexis cut my hair on Wednesday night, and we went to dinner after. I uttered one word for every hundred of hers. Alexis was definitely wired on something. She told me tales from the funeral of her ex-boyfriend's mother and how his new girlfriend is short, clingy, and ugly. Honestly, Alexis has a lot of narcissistic tendencies herself.

Alexis went on about the shady doctor she was seeing. This doctor has lost his license in the past. He over-prescribes medication. Alexis walked out with five prescriptions she didn't need, including Adderal. I think the Adderal had her mouth running a mile a minute. 

Rocks and Islands

On Halloween, Ava texted me. She wanted to get together for dinner. Ava also had to pick up what I could not fit into the truck to move it to the storage unit this afternoon. We don't get kids in the condo complex, and I have never passed out candy here, so I was free.

"Why aren't you passing out candy with your boyfriend?" I ask in the truck on the way to dinner.

"He's Jewish; he doesn't do that sort of thing."

I was unsure what being Jewish had to do with passing out candy, but after asking a few follow-up questions, the only clear thing was that she preferred being out with me to being home. 

Ava made it over early, so we had time for dinner. We don't usually get together on Monday, but Ava seemed full of pent-up energy. We ate dinner at California Pizza Kitchen at an outdoor mall. The restaurant and mall were empty. Everyone was home for Halloween. We had warm weather the past two days, so we walked the mall after dinner. 

When we got back to the condo, Ava sorted through her things, and we loaded her car. After, we headed upstairs for some fun in bed. Ava left around 11:30, stating she was heading back to her boyfriend's house. 

I met Ava the following afternoon at the storage unit to unload her stuff. "Isn't that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?" I asked.

Ava glossed over my comment with an unclear reply. The night before, she indicated she wanted to return to SA to find another outside arrangement. She considers it work and doesn't see how it harms her relationship. I can see a multitude of ways it does.

I have to break from the narrative to discuss my thoughts on this. I have no problem with Ava choosing to pursue arrangements. She makes more money doing that than her other pursuits. It says to me, though, that despite her boyfriend's good qualities, he is not enough. At best, he is a good fallback if, in five years when her options begin to narrow. 

She is opening herself up to better options by continuing to engage in outside relations. I think, at this point, she has lost her ability to pair bond with anyone. Call me old-fashioned, but statistics show the more partners a woman has, the less likely they are to be happy in a relationship. 

I am no different than Ava. I have reduced relationships to commodities. I am not sure if that is due to my experiences or society. Maybe that is one of the reasons we get along. It gives me much to think about. I have been thinking about a few things lately, like closing doors to all the past, to the things that no longer bring me joy.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island

Ava and I moved her belongings into the storage unit. The whole adventure took less than an hour. This morning she promised me no more heavy lifting this year. I replied, "don't make any promises. You will jinx yourself."

"It must be nice not to have any issues," Ava said to me during pillow talk. 

"Yes, it is." 

I used to think not being in a relationship was an issue. I don't see it that way anymore. There are advantages and pitfalls to both scenarios. I have everything I need to be happy, and I can fulfill my own needs.

And a rock feels no pain.

And an island never cries... I Am A Rock, I Am An Island, Simon and Garfunkel 

The Punisher

 We had two foggy mornings over the weekend. Otherwise, it was an uneventful weekend. I did get my MRI this weekend. Wednesday, I go discuss the results with the doctor. I dressed up as the Punisher for Halloween this year at work. The same costume as the picture below. I'm just a few years older :).

The Punisher

It is an easy costume. I already have everything in my closet. Don't ask me why I have a thirty-year-old leather trench cut still around. It is good for costumes. I actually like wearing it. I think guys look good in long coats. That is probably why I bought it in the first place.

Just Life

 Ava stuck around for a while Tuesday. She did not want to return to her parent's house until her father left for work. It gave me a chance to see her in action. She hasn't slowed down on her mutually beneficial encounters as she once had me believing. If anything, she seems to be ramping it back up. 

"What are you doing?" I asked Monday night while we were in bed.

"Working on my next paycheck."

She is getting a storage unit for her stuff and moving it there on Monday. There isn't much left in my basement. She sorted things and took all the clothes to her mom's house. Despite Dave's comment, I don't believe she is a thief. There wasn't much of value amongst the stuff. Ava is a self-admitted shopaholic. It is the addiction she allows herself. She never passes up on what she thinks is a deal.

Ava reminds me of the story If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. You cannot blame the mouse. That is just who they are. It is up to others to set boundaries. Ava doesn't act entitled. She wouldn't think she uses people, or if she did, she'd justify it as "that is just life."

Drama-- It's Been Awhile

 It is ironic that I am writing this post after the last. 

Ava has, or I should say now, had a room where her friend J lived. J lives in what once was a small doctor's office in Mt. Clemens. The building was probably built in the 1960s. Much of the original decor remains. It is not suitable for living. Though it has bathrooms and showers, it does not have a stove, washer, or dyer. 

J is as close to a ghost as one can be these days. He has no ID or car. J lives off the grid because of some issues with back child support. He makes his money, a good deal of it from what I gather, off the internet, in shady ways. 

J desperately wants a relationship, but his lifestyle does not lend itself to attracting anyone of quality, so he tends to get in arrangements with women who use him and dump him. He has gone through four or five in the year I have known Ava. Ava has known J for a long time and considers him a good friend. Probably the best friend she has.

J got dumped by his latest girlfriend this week. A woman he has known for two months but professes to be in love with. J spiraled, and arguments and name-calling ensued when Ava didn't return his calls immediately. Basically, it was a lot of drama. The type you expect from unstable people, and trust me, this guy is not stable. 

Ava texted me yesterday and asked if I could meet her at J's after work. She wanted to move her stuff out. I have picked Ava up from J's in the past and knew the location. I was not surprised when she texted me. J's new girlfriend had been causing issues the last time I saw Ava. My suggestion at the time was to let it go; she would be gone soon, just like the others.

When I got to the building, Ava was afraid to go inside. Ava is pretty timid when it comes to confrontation. I have no clue how she gets into loud arguments with her boyfriend, with her doing all the yelling.

We finally entered through the front door. Ava didn't want to go to the back of the building past J's room to her own. She wasn't sure if J was there. Her anxiety was making me nervous. We called out to J. He appeared from his room naked and confused but didn't seem threatening.

After J dressed, we indicated Ava wanted to move her stuff out. He remained civil in front of me during the process, although I caught him raising his voice to her once when I was loading the truck. He backed down when I suggested there was no need.

Ava told me J borrowed some money from her, $500. I don't think she would have pressed the issue if I hadn't stepped in and reminded him several times. 

Ava is a bit of a pack rat but not quite a hoarder. We filled her small SUV and my truck with things and still left items behind. The first thing she instinctively removed were several bags of returnable pop bottles. I reminded her to stick to the expensive stuff and leave the bottles.

J definitely has a screw loose. He reminds me of Alexis' pseudo-husband. They are a total mess but always want to fix everybody else and see nothing wrong with themselves. They can be funny and charming for short periods when in the public eye but continuously fall apart behind the scenes.

Ava planned on getting a storage unit the next day, but now it seems like it will be a few days. In the meantime, you guessed it, some of the stuff is in my basement. I found a few hundred dollars tucked inside a binder she didn't know she had while I was moving things around. 

How much of the blowout was Ava's fault is hard to tell. They both have their issues. I think he sees hers, but loneliness drove him to allow her to come and go at will. Ava must be kept in check, or she will take advantage of the situation.

I told her, " I am either the sanest guy you know, or I will have to reevaluate myself."

Ava stayed the night, and everything was fine. She spent the next afternoon sorting through her stuff, deciding what was going to storage, what would go to her mom's house and what would be returning to her boyfriend's house. Maybe she should get a bigger unit for when THAT falls through.

Another One

It took 4 Aleve to get me moving Sunday morning. Monday, it only took 3 to subside the muscle issues in my back. Today I am down to one. Hopefully, I will be back to normal by next week. 

Ava is becoming more and more unreliable. She informed me today that her boyfriend is insisting she sleep every night in their bed. It's not an unually request for someone who is supposed to be living with you. I think it is his way of saying I know you are still seeing other people on the side and this is how I want to deal with it.

Regardless, that means no more overnights for Ava. Add that to the fact she cannot travel anymore means she is becoming a less suitable companion. For now, I'm waiting to see what the results of my MRI and doctor's visit are next week. If I am getting surgery in December, there is no reason to start something new, and  I will put up with the way things are until then. If the doctor decides I should try physical therapy instead, I will start looking for someone new. Either way, if Ava's situation doesn't change. I will have to start looking for some new.

7 or 8

 Thursday, we saw our first snowflakes of the season. They quickly turn to rain. It will be in the 60s and 70s over the next few days, but it is a harboring of things to come. Last night both my stomach and my back were bothering me.

Ava came over, but I was not feeling myself, and she didn't stay long. I should have gone with my instincts and canceled. I enjoyed seeing her, but it was not fun for either of us. We planned her coming back next Tuesday for an overnight.

I threw up twice after she left and spent the early morning hours on the toilet. I suspect food poisoning again. Probably the spinach I added to my soup. By morning I was so dehydrated I felt dizzy in the shower and passed out. I woke up lying on the floor half out of the shower, confused and thinking how comfy the shower mat was. The shower curtain buffered my fall, and I didn't sustain any bruises.

This afternoon my stomach and my back are feeling better. I just need to stay away from the ab press in our gym at work and be careful what I eat for a few days. Today worked from home, which helped eliminate a bit of that stress.

I received an email from Billie yesterday. She passed her electrical journeymen's test on a Monday and gave birth the following Friday. She says the baby is doing well. Billie says she enjoys staying home but plans to return to work in December.

Billie has made a whole new life for herself. The one she probably should have had from the start. I feel like I wouldn't recognize her anymore. She thinks I deserve better than to be just passing the time with Ava. I replied that it is nice that she still feels that way, but what we get and deserve isn't always the same. In fact, I believe our choices bring us where we are, and I am okay with that.

I said, I wish I had more news, but things don't move fast around here. If you stopped by, you'd probably think they haven't moved at all.

It's true. My condo is like I remember my grandparent's houses. Always the same. Never really changing. A sure sign that I am getting old. 

I noticed I got another negative review on my book. Both are from women. 

 "Ewww. What a sad life. Typical middle-aged guy thinking (that) with he's a 10 when he's clearly a 4 and overcompensates by paying for women. Trash."

It is disappointing, but it doesn't bother me much. I wrote the book for myself. Not to paint some false truth but to chronicle the past. They can read into what they want, and actually, I consider myself about a 7 or 8 :). I am of average height, in shape, good in bed, and make twice the national average income. 

A Snapshot of October

I used to post this once a month. It was copied from the below blogger who is long gone. 

In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  Barenaked Ladies

Reading…  Currently, I am not reading anything, although I have been thinking of finding a good fantasy series to pass the time.

Watching…  Andor, on Disney+, this is a cut above the other Star Wars series they are putting out.

Creating … Currently working on connecting my Lego towers 

Hoping… My aches and pains go away.

Buying… I did buy this giant Lego Castle set. I have not decided whether I will open it or not.    Otherwise, I am not planning on buying anything until Xmas.

Loving...  The fact that there are only 10 work weeks left in the year.

Planning… For my possible surgery in December

Missing… Today I am missing Tinkerbell.  I don't see her as much now that she lives on the other side of town.

Feeling…  Blah, I am not even looking forward to seeing Ava this evening.

This list is pretty lame. I hope I have a better one for November.

Alone

 I like waking up in the morning when it is still dark outside. It feels different than going to bed when it is dark. It feels like I still have time in bed. The reality is usually a different story. Still, I don't feel like getting out of bed lately.

Twin A wants to spend the weekend. He doesn't usually stay the whole time and asks to go home early. I don't like having company. I am happy in my isolation. Having Ava stop over a few times a month is enough socialization for me. I think it is the changing of the seasons. 

Besides, I am a hot mess right now. I chipped a tooth and will need a root canal. I will hold off on this until the new year, depending on the results of the MRI on my shoulder. My back is bothering me, and my stomach issues are returning. My stomach is not as painful as it was around the time of my father's passing. They never did find anything wrong. I concluded it was stress related. Now, like then, though, I don't feel stressed. Just off.

I have thrown myself into building with the Legos. I am striving to create something impressive, and things keep changing as my thoughts switch directions. I want the results to be detailed and spectacular. I don't care about the overall size of the display. As always, the lack of pieces in the right color holds me back. I think another trip it the used Lego store will be in order come November.

A lack of socializing leads to a lack of interesting posts. I was delving through the achieves the other day but didn't pull anything out. Rereading my encounters with the Gymnast. That girl was a handful. They all seem to be fading into memoirs.

This desire to be alone feels odd. I am unsure if it is natural or a symptom of a different type of depression. I seem to be carrying over into work and with my friend. I just feel like being left alone.

Weekend

And if you want to find me

I'll be out in the sandbox
Just wondering where the hell all the love has gone
I'm playing my guitar and building
Castles in the sun, oh, oh, oh
And singing "Fun, Fun, Fun"...Brian Wilson, Bare Naked Ladies.

Thursday, I lost a filling while eating a frozen cookie. I was too impatient to wait for it to thaw. It doesn't bother me, and I have an appointment Wednesday morning to get it replaced. After work on Friday, I could not wait to just get home and decompress. I turned done an invitation to go eat with Sam that night. I just wasn't feeling like going out. 

Saturday, I worked on dragons and towers. I didn't feel like leaving the house that day either, but I went to dinner. I wasn't good company. Moody would be the word I'd use. I didn't have much to share in the conversation; the restaurant was cold, and the waitress was underwhelmingly attentive-- see, moody.

I am fine sitting at home working on dragons and castles-- yet there is an underlying feeling of restlessness or resignation.

Eventually, these two will be connected by a castle wall and more rocks. I am not sure which will be placed on the left or right. I have a lot of work to do still. 

Sunday, Twin A and I went to breakfast and did a bunch of errands which included shopping and washing the Jeep. We came home after and watch a few episodes of Andor. I have been struggling with completing this post. I have an inability to articulate the way I feel. I am probably not looking at it close enough.

Ideas and Dreams

Tinkerbell called me last night around 6:00 pm. She told me her insurance was not covering her therapy and that she would have to stop. That is too bad. I think she was starting to get something out of it. Hopefully, she will be able to find a cheaper option. Jokingly, I told her my therapy sessions would cost less, but I would have to fit her in around my appointments with the narcissist.

Ava came over around 7:30 to spend the night. We went to Noodles & Co and ordered carryout, then stopped at Meijer to pick up cotton balls, a pear, and some gum. Everything a girl needs for a sleepover. 

After eating, Ava changed from her jeans and sweater into a pair of my sweats and my turquoise tee-shirt she always wears when she is over. We curled up on the couch and watched The Luckiest Girl on Netflix. It was okay. I think it was a bit longer than it needed to be, and I feel like they wrapped it up unrealistically. 

Ava and I stayed up until 2:00 am. She is dreading her upcoming thirtieth birthday in November. Ava feels like she hasn't gotten where she wants to be. I don't think she ever will. "You plan to clean your house in thirty days. It will take thirty days. If you plan on cleaning your house in three hours, and it will take three hours."

Financial security is her goal. It reminds me of another saying. If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime. Ava doesn't want to learn to fish. I don't prioritize financial security. I figure I can always make money one way or another.

I woke up and started working from home at 7:00 am. Ava was a bit more reluctant to get out of bed. I think there is underlying unhappiness behind it. Ava is the type of person that sets multiple alarms to wake up. I haven't set the alarm for myself in close to ten years. Still, she isn't grumpy in the morning-- at least not with me.

Ava's favorite saying is, "that's just life." I try to remind her she is in the passenger seat and not driving. She is not setting the course; she just allows it to happen. I'll admit to having been that way from time to time. We all can admit to allowing life to move us rather than taking control at some point, but Ava takes it a bit far. Mainly because she does not have anything motivating her-- just a lot of ideas and dreams.

She spends her days up in the north park
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream
Is that too much to ask?

With a safe home, and a warm bed
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold onto
That's all she needs, yeah...Be Like That, 3 Doors Down

Tower Update

I spent two hours cleaning the condo and putting up Halloween decorations Saturday. The decorations won't be seen by many people, but I still like putting them out. It is the only holiday I will decorate for this year. 

Max woke me up at 7:00 am to go to breakfast Sunday. He has been getting up early to work on his college courses. I was still in bed when he came in through the front door. 

 After breakfast, I took another stab at the central piece for my new display. I am happy with the results of this tower. The proportions are not bad, and it comes apart in four pieces. The side towers are firmly attached, and the dragon helps stabilize the weight of the top. I was going to reduce the size of the girth of the lowest portion, but Max convinced me to keep it.

 I had time left over to clean the room and table after.

Now the question is what is next. The platform in the background is for the tower It will need to be bigger. There is a waterfall hidden by the tower that connects the upper and lower levels. I like that. I have two more dragons to incorporate somehow, but I don't want to make more round towers. 

Finished

 I finished making my habitats. I had to stop. I have enough Halloween-related Legos to continue forever, but it was consuming too much time. I stopped at nine. I will show three early and keep the final six for the stack.

Here are the final results. Please help me decide which ones will not make it in the final stack. Most have been revised from the original concepts slightly.

Trick or Treat

I like this one, but you cannot see the ghost in the window well.

The Mummy

I wanted to add more to this, but the size limits what I could do.

Floating Ghost

Killer Clown

I made him more John Wayne Gacy and moved him

behind the dead cheerleader

The Witch

I added clouds and moved a few items.

Egor

I changed the tombstone to a cross.

Dr. Frankenstien 

This one stayed the same.

Trick or Treat Two

Stayed the same

Zombie card players stayed the same.