Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Billy. Another Wrong Turn

Bathwater: Dad is on hospice at his assisted living facility.   He is very weak.  No one knows for sure but I would guess a week or two.  I know you would want to know.

Billy: I am sorry to hear that.  I have been going through a lot myself.

Bathwater:  Are you okay? I am always concerned for you.  You can always reach out to me.  After all we have been through together I would hate to lose touch.

Billy:  No I'm not okay..  I'm still using and I got pregnant. Going through the abortion process now..I'm just lost. Everything I wanted came too fast.. now its gone.

Bathwater: I am so sorry Billy.  You always have my ear and my love.  You can email me or call me.  I will listen.

Billy did not share anymore information.  Initially I was surprised but looking back when ever we were not together Billy tended to get in trouble or do stupid things.  Even when we were together some drama would happen, usually at the worst time.  Without me propping her up it will just continue to happen.  She hasn't changed.

Do you think she is starting to regret choosing to leave me?  I miss what we had but I can see now it was a dead end for me.  What does she see?

I invited Billy to my father's memorial but she said she had to work and could not make it.  My friends think that is for the best.  I would like to see her.  She where she is at inside her head.  An abortion is not an easy decision for any woman but to want the baby and be unable to have it because of your own drug addiction is going to be hard for her to handle. 

The only difference that I see
Is you are exactly the same as you used to be.  The Difference, The Wallflowers

Sunday, January 26, 2020


A low level hum motor and a rhythmic pumping noise from the oxygenator fill the room with sound.  From the hall strands of fifties and sixties music occasionally filter in.  I am in a green lounge chair in my father's room watching him go through the last days of his life.

He has been on hospice for three days.  It is a slow legal overdose if you ask me.  I have been around an addict for years, this is no different.   The nurse assures me it is, that they are just keeping him comfortable.  In reality he is floating in a drug induced haze while his breathing slows over time.

My dad passed away Sunday morning.  I was not there for his last breath.  I am not sure I would wanted that.  He died peacefully and quickly once he decided he was ready to go.  The one thing I will take away from this experience is that everyone who met my father adored him.

Dad, I hope you are with mom now in what ever awaits us.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Fighting to the End

Fighting to live is ingrained in my father’s generation.  He is not ready to die.  I still cannot understand his motives.  My father is back in the hospital.  They are saying even if they stabilize him in the hospital he will crash as soon as he leaves and he will be right back inside.  I am trying to make him understand this.  He is weak and being closely monitored in intensive care.  He did not bounce back to any extent from his last hospital stay just a week ago.  Getting out of bed, staying warm and eating are all an issue.  His heart is working at 15%.  The hospital is subtlety suggesting hospice care.  I am hoping to get him to agree to palliative care that can transition into hospice
The things that make life worth living in my book have all been taken away at this point; his wife, sex, food, the internet and his dignity.  He is left with only struggling to live.  It is not easy to watch.
My mother was supposed to be here.  She was the stronger one.  But she is not.  Cancer got her 6 years ago. 

We live too long.  All the medication these companies come up with can prolong our body’s ability to function but they do not seem to improve the quality of that longer life.  We need to do that ourselves and early on through diet and exercise.  I am personally going to refuse to take medications.  If I cannot fix it through a change in lifestyle it won’t be fixed.  When my body decides to give out, I am going to let it. 

My father went back into the hospital Tuesday.  The doctor said he almost died.  He will die once they stop the life sustaining medications.  He is in ICU but we as a family have decided to stop the medications.  He is going into hospice tomorrow.  The doctors are telling us he heart is very weak and he won't last long.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020


The Gymnast: Shall I come over for a little?

Bathwater: Lol you know I have been thinking about fucking you all morning.  I won't be home till 5:30.

Gymnast:  I work from 5 to 8 so maybe after but I wouldn't be able to stay tonight.

Bathwater: Okay but I am going to put the blind fold on you and tie you to a chair downstairs and go down on you until you cum.

Gymnast:  Sounds fine with me.

She never says no to my suggestions, which has my mind constantly shuffling through sexual fantasies.  Our most enjoyable encounters don't involve complicated porn scenes.  I like the  mornings after she sleeps over.  She is not a morning person but once she is up we will cuddle in beneath the covers and she will open up about her past.  She is a mixture of hardship and lack of direction but she is smart and will find her way.

This week she leaves for a three month trip in Europe with a friend.  I am going to miss having her around but it is better not to get too attached.  We talk about going to Las Vegas in May.  We will see how she feels when she returns.  She sought out our arrangement after her ex boyfriend died to make extra money for this trip.  Pretty girls don't stay single for long.  She will find someone and our arrangement will end.

I would like to find a more traditional relationship.  Just interacting with The Gymnast shows me how long it can take to become comfortable with someone.  I don't remember it being that way with Billy.  Being with Billy was constant drama,  one problem followed the next.  It was a relationship forged though a sort of Stockholm Syndrome.

Book clubs and yoga, these things are filling my time but they are not introducing me to new people.
It is hard to let go.  I find myself wanting the eight years with Billy to have some meaning, but does it?  I am often bitter about how it ended.  It is easy to hate her when she is no longer a part of my life.  Do I erase all traces of her?  Should I delete all her photos?  What is the right way to move on?  My time with the Gymnast has shown me there is still fun to be had beyond Billy but is there another relationship to be had?

The Gymnast’s departure is leaving me sad.  I am not emotionally attached to the Gymnast but her departure is stirring up old memories.  She will be gone for three months.  Billy has only been gone for six months.  Life is a series of events.  Starting over seems to be the common theme.  I suppose I need to get used to it. 

Monday, January 20, 2020

Book Club

Tinkerbell texted me two weeks.  She asked if I was interested in joining a book reading club at our local library.  As part of my resolution not to say no, I accepted.  We are reading What the Eyes Don't See, by Mona Attisha.  It is about the Flint water crisis so it is somewhat local to me.   Our first discussion is was Thursday.

I have a bad preconceived opinion of our library.  It is not in a prestigious building.  It is tucked away in a light industrial park.  It has been awaiting a new location for years.

Tinkerbell can to my condo first.  She was dressed all in black.  I drove us both to the library.  The book club seemed very informal group of people but everyone seemed to know each other.

“It’s all old people,” Tinkerbell stage whispers to me as we approach the meeting room.  It was true.  She was definitely the youngest person in the group.  I was probably not, but felt younger than any of those who were.   There were a group of ten people including us attending.  The meeting was run by one of the library staff. For the most part, the discussions stayed on the book and the topics from within.  I felt it was good for Tink.  She gets nervous speaking in front of strangers when she is out of her environment.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Hospital Run

Monday morning the assisted living center where my dad is stay calls me.  My dad's oxygen level is low, he needs to go to the hospital.  I pack my computer warn my boss of my departure and head out of work.  This has become routine over the past year.

I get my dad dressed.  He is slumped in his wheel chair.  His false teeth are out and he is not making much sense.  I wheel him down to the Jeep and help him get inside the lifted vehicle.  It is a struggle for him but my younger brother still has dad's Buick and he is not prompt about such matters.  Fuck I cannot reach him by text half the time.  How is that possible in this day and age?

At the emergency room they get my father seen quickly.  They do not mess around when breathing or heart issues are present.  I watch them take dad's shirt off so they can get an EKG.  His arms and legs are so thin compared to his torso.  It reminds me of E.T.  I wonder to myself how can someones torso be so large when is arms and legs are so small.  It just reinforces in me how important exercise is as you get older and how I hate getting older.

My father's health is still fragile.  A cold can wipe out weeks of him building his strength up.  He wants to take more Chemo treatments.  I don't think the cancer doctor will recommend it.  The cancer is killing him but so is the treatment.  If dad gets out of the hospital I need to remind him that he should not wait to do anything at this point.  He is a fighter, but I think he tends to ignore the obvious.  He is weak and he could go anytime.

Friday, January 10, 2020

Winter Night (More Antics)

Tuesday afternoon I sent the Gymnast a text.

Bathwater:  I am going to give you a nice sensual massage tonight until you are nice and wet than I am going to fuck you against the wall.  I am actually getting hard just thinking about it.

Her only reply was to tell me she had bought me an edible that should help with my stomach pains and relax me.  Tuesday night she came over after teaching gymnastics.  She probably made another stop along the way.  It was after 10:45 pm before she arrived.  I was tired and already in bed watching TV.
I hear her enter through the garage and make her way upstairs.  She takes off her hoodie, tosses her backpack on the floor next to the bed and slides under the covers next to me.  I am watching a series on Netflix called the 2000’s.  The episode is discussing the Iraq war ironically and sounds like what is going on today in the region.
The Gymnast leans over the side of the bed.  I admire the silhouette of her ass as she stretches out to retrieve her backpack.  She is wearing a pair of black yoga pants and a bright turquoise tee with the word coach and her name on the back.  She sits up and hands me the edible.  I thank her and tuck it away in my nightstand for future use.  She pulls a brownie out for herself and takes a bite.

“You are going to be asleep in no time,” I tell her. 

“I’ll be fine.  I smoke a lot of weed.”  She assures me.

“I know.  You were high yesterday when you came over.”

I switch off Netflix and turned on Deadpool 2 from my Amazon account.  I have her sit in front of me, between my legs and began to massage her back under her shirt.  It wasn’t the sensual massage I had in mind but I was content to watch the movie with her.   I undo her bra and she removes it in that skilled way woman do without having to take off their shirt.  I spend time pressing my fingers into her back, massaging her shoulders and occasionally cupping her breast, before pulling her back to lay on top of me.
We watched the movie this way.  She makes it almost to the end before she starts to drift off.   She feels me peeking over to see if she is still awake and opens her eyes.  I turn off the movie and we shifted positions.  The Gymnast lays next to me on her back and I am on my side regarding her. 
“Are we having sex tonight?  You are not much of a morning person and I have to get up early.”

“We can have sex tonight,” she replied but her sleepy eyes do not reassure me.

She removes her yoga pants under the covers and I rolled over on top of her.  I gave her a quick kiss before working my way down her body.  I go down on her till she is nice and wet before rolling over and having her reciprocate.  It doesn't take long for her mouth to get me nice and hard and I enter her missionary.   I fucked her with slow long strokes grinding her against me with each thrust.
It is not against the wall like I imagined but the winter nights leave the bedroom chilly.  I am not complaining though.  She wraps her legs around me encouraging my thrusts with her legs and her kisses.  I slow the pace when she cums and tell her to turn over.
“You are so demanding,” she tell me.

I do like to toss her into different positions when we are having sex.  She gets up on all fours and spreads her legs wide so she is at the right height for me to enter her.  Her ass looks incredibly round and inviting.  I slide back into her.  My pace is faster, more forceful and I grab hold of ass to control the rhythm.  She knows it is all about my need to finish now and she surrenders herself to me.   It is an intense climax for me and  I collapse forward onto her wrapping my right arm around her waist.  Her body is amazing, hard and firm in all the right places.

After we cleanup we group under the covers.  I tell her I won’t poke and prod her in the morning because we need to get up early.  “I want to thank you for showing me life and fun are not over.  I was having a hard time since Billy left.”

“What are you going to do when I am gone?”  She asks. 

“I have something to look forward too; your return and not the way part of me wishes Billy would try to return just so I can say fuck you.”

The Gymnast falls asleep in minutes, snoring loudly next to me.  It takes me longer to fall asleep.  In the morning I get up and shower without disturbing her.  She is not a morning person at 10 a.m. and it was only 7 a.m.   I dressed and went downstairs to take care of the cat and make myself something to eat.  I woke her fifteen minutes before we had to leave.

“I am sorry dear.  I should have thought about it.  If you weren’t parked behind me I would just leave you hear to sleep.”

“It’s okay I will just go home and fall back to sleep.”

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

No Need to Lie

A commentor suggested I was fabricating finding a pack of fentanyl under the couch.  They suggested I practice better fiction writing.  I took offense to this.  I have had my share of mean comments before, but never have I been accused of lying.  Is it this new age of internet trolls?  Why would I need to lie to a handful of strangers on the internet?

For the record a pack of heroin/ fentanyl is the size of your fingernail.  When you you purchase in bulk the way Billy did $300 to $400 at a time at ten dollars a piece, occasionally some would go missing.  Billy never knew the value of a dollar.

This is what it was like dating Billy in the early days of our relationship.

Originally Posted February 18, 2013
And We Are Broken

I want something else
I'm not listening when you say

I watch Netflix episodes of Alias off my phone in bed.  I watch the pounds creep up on my bathroom scale.  I have been reading, searching for a place for my voice among other novels-- still I strain to put anything new together here.

My inner circle comes and goes from the condo.  I even went out with Jay and Alexis for a night of drinks at the bar.  They reminisced about their childhood sexual experiences together.  It was awkward.

Alone in the darkness of my room thoughts of being content with the limited perceptions of sight, taste and sound without the pains of a physical body start to become appealing.  It can't really be called depression.  In accent times it was one of the original seven deadly sins that affects me-- acedia

I get that text message, "Hey".   One word--

I'm packed and I'm holding 
I'm smiling, she's living
She's golden, she lives for me
She says she lives for me ovation, she got her own motivation
She comes 'round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
It's like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse 

It is Saturday morning and Billy wants to hang out and I agree-- to all it will entail.  I pull my Challenger from the garage.  The weather has kept me from driving it the last few days.  The sky is clear but a few light snow flakes float on the wind.  I haven't checked the weather but I don't feel like switching vehicles and suffering the hour and a half drive to Billy's house and back in the truck.

We talk on the phone as I drive her direction.  I am anxious to see her; she is anxious for other reasons.  I tell her so.  "You feel the same way I do right now.  There is anticipation running through your skin accept not for me, it is for your drug of choice."

I make good time till I get into the city.  I hit a snow squall.  The roads turn slick and visibility is reduced to a quarter mile.  The Challenger's 22 inch wheels and low profile tires are like pontoons on icy pavement.  I am reduced to twenty five miles an hour in the slow lane.   There are cars spinning out around me. 

The snow is not the kind that will accumulate into inches on the roads.  That would be better for the average northern driver.  The freeways remained slick slowing traffic, causing the heat from the under carriages to make the roads icier.  My hands are clenched to the steering wheel.

Billy comes to the car carrying a large purse and two bags filled with clothes.  "Have you been kicked out again?"  I ask her.  

"No."  When I express my doubts she assures me.  "You can call my mom if you want."

Physically she looks good.  She is the heaviest I have ever seen her.  I can tell her mind is not clear.  She tells me she is on Xanax, and that her stomach is in knots.  She has been using another addict to acquire heroin, getting them hooked then piggy backing off them to get her own, until her patsy went to the dealer by himself and figured it out.

The snow in the city has gotten worse.  I'm sliding around the streets of Southwest Detroit in parts of town we have no business being. Billy can't remember half the stuff she is told or does when she is high but she knows every street in the ghetto.  We come to a stop in the middle of a snow covered street.  Cars line both sides.  I look out my driver side window.  A burned out home and an abandon house are on my left.  Several house on the right don't look much better. 

Billy steps out of the car and meets the dealer on the sidewalk.  This guy has sold to us before but has never seen my car.  We usually buy from one of his runners on a different side street. She is back within seconds.  I catch a glimpse of a black guy walking back into a house.  I would not be able to pick him out of a line-up.  I am not sure I would be able to get back to the same location.

Billy gives me a series of right and left directions that get me back on the freeway, while she unwraps eight foil squares the size of your index finger nail and pours the off white powder onto her phone screen.  

The amount of heroin looks small.  The effects, combined with the Xanax, can be seen  immediately.  She snorts the powder.  Within minutes she is 'nodding.'   It takes an hour to get out of the city and the snow squalls.  Billy appears to be sleeping for the ride but I can rouse her with a nudge.

Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play
She said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
Baby, baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say

When we get home I put in a pizza.  Billy gets comfortable.  We make a pot of coffee.  Outside the snow squalls have caught up to us.  Big puffy flakes fall in a whiteout of snow.  Looking out the windows from the couch the scene is picturesque.

We eat and play video games.  Billy talks of quitting next week again. Her movements are slow she has no concentration.  Watching her is like watching a person trying to keep themself from falling asleep during everything she does.  It is sad to watch. 

I ask her if she has ever seen herself before.  She says no.  I start video taping her with my phone while she is eating.  She doesn't notice.  I want her to look at the video tomorrow when she is straight.  She is compliant and mostly happy when she is on dope.  Her mind shuts down and she has a heightened sense of touch.

Billy snots another bump.  When it kicks in there is no use trying to play video games.  She suggests watching a movie and I agree.  We lay on the couch together.  I let my hands drift over her soft skin while the movie plays.  She get lost to the sensations of my touch.  Billy turns to me and we kiss.

I let my hands drift down between her legs.  Her eyes are closed, her lips are slightly parted.  She is awake and her breathing reacts to my movements.  She begins to rub me.  My need for her becomes urgent.   I am lying behind her we are spooned.  Both of us have on light pants on.  I pull them down and enter her from behind.  

It has been weeks since I have had sex and I can control myself long while I am inside her.  I cum quickly.  Billy is asleep before I get back from cleaning up.  I take up my position on the couch and hold her close.  I drift in and out of sleep with her while she snores.  I'm sure she doesn't remember we even had sex on the couch.

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth
Will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock
With a tick tock rhythm
A bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again
Then I bumped again, she said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life 

I wake her after midnight.  "Billy honey, let's go upstairs."  

She apologizes for falling asleep"In my defense, I usually am in bed by nine at home.  I have nothing else to do." 

Billy does her final bump before we go upstairs.  She takes off all her clothes.  I follow suit.  In the dark during foreplay she makes the comment, "You are not video taping me, are you?"  As if she had some disjointed recollection of my taping her earlier.

"How can I be?  The light is off."

We have sex earnestly in the dark.  I pound into her hard from behind, feeling my body slap against her soft ass with each thrust.  She moans with each stroke.  We finish facing each other and fall asleep tangled throughout the rest of the night.

I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords could make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
All right
And when the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we're tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I'm struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
Slides up around the belly
Face down on the mattress

The next morning I have to take her home.  I have Tinkerbell, my youngest and The T-Rex coming over that night.  Billy is still involved with the other guy.  We don't try to figure anything out.  We have time for breakfast.  She picks a diner close to her home.

The drug haze is gone.  She is thinking clear.  I show her the video.  She is not happy with what she sees.  She doesn't think she is always like that, I assure her she is.  I tell her I could not believe her mom didn't know she was on Xanax yesterday.  This is the Billy I like, the Billy that is fun to be around. The morning after Billy.  She is not high but she is not yet affected by cravings or withdraws.  For a few moments, she is normal.

One, and you hold me
And we're broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
I feel myself heavy on the ground
I'm scared I'm not coming down
No no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws just locked now in a smile
But nothing is all right
All right

She asks the owner of the restaurant if they are hiring.  She charms him into allowing her to apply for an opening that doesn't officially exist. She tells me that she is going to go to her doctor on Tuesday to get on Suboxone, if she can't she is willing to go back to rehab again this week.  I hope she does.  She should never quit trying to quit.

I clean the house when I get home, erasing all evidence of her presence before Tinkerbell arrives.  I don't want to answer any of her questions.  When my son arrives I we make replicas of the perk a cola bottles for every perk they offer in Call of Duty.  This morning I weigh 4 pounds less.

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
In the place we used to sta-a-a-a-rt....
Semi- Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind

Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Afternoon Antics

My stomach pains seem to be vanishing as quickly as they came.  It has been three days in a row since I have had any discomfort.  Does this mean it was the holiday stress? The holidays did suck but the most stressful part was my stomach pains.  I have not returned to a normal diet but I feel like I have the pains under control by eating lightly.

I am happier now that the holidays are over.  The new year has me feeling somewhat relieved.  I am feeling old.  I am beginning to understand what Billy must have been thinking in the back of her mind about our age difference (28 years).  Eight years of common history together helped to lesson the gap.

Friday night the Gymnast came over.  She allowed me to restrain her to the bed with a set of straps I bought for Rose but never got to use.  After, we fell asleep watching the Suicide Squad.  She thinks she should be Joker next year for Halloween because she has a similar hand tattoo but I remarked she is the spitting image of Harley Quin.  While she is usually subdued and quiet when she is around me I think the is also a matching wild side when she has had a few drinks in her.

Saturday after The Gymnast left I went to Tinkerbell's to help her frame out the opening of a bathroom closet and install some shelves inside.  Tink thinks the Gymnast is plan but she is a harsh critic.  I spent the afternoon helping Tink.  I was tired when I returned home.  The stomach issue has kept me from eating and exercising thought December.  I was out of shape.  I settled into me bed early and turned on the movie Avatar in an attempt to make the most of my Disney+ subscription.

Around ten I noticed the Gymnast had texted me earlier in the evening.

The Gymnast:  I am horny as fuck but I am on a time schedule.  Are you free right now?

I did not bother replying till the morning.  I figured she was never in one place too long and a hot twenty-one year old girl can always find a way to satisfy those needs.  I told her she could come over later Sunday if she still had the itch.  I didn't hear from her again until Monday

The Gymnast:  Still on for tomorrow?

Bathwater: Of course. I hope you will still be as horny.  Although I think your libido is more financially driven.

Ours is a mutually beneficial arrangement.  She gets paid for spending time with me.

The Gymnast: I don't know, I have been really horny these last couple of days.  I could come over today for a bit or just wait for tomorrow.

Bathwater:  We should make the most of these next two weeks.

She is leaving for Europe in two weeks and will be there for three months, thus the reason for her need for money and the reason we met.  She has some time available in the afternoon.  My boss is out of town so no need for me to make an excuse to leave early.  We decided to meet at my place at 3:00 pm.  After two I get another text from her.

The Gymnast:  Make sure to clean the cock ring and then after I suck your dick I want you to tie my hands behind my back and eat me out until you slide it in me and then we can make our way so I'm laid over your be and I want you to fuck me slowly and hard.   Sorry really horny.  I'll see you shortly.

 When she arrived we wasted no time going upstairs.  I tied her hands first and had her sit on my face while I licked her so I could watch and roam my hand over her body.  We ended up having sex in several positions including over the side of the bed before she ended up finishing me orally.  She is fun and that is something I needed.  Something I am willing to pay for right now.  It beats paying a psychologist to complain about me life.