Isolation

 I have been pacing the floors of my condo.  Walking in aimless tight circles.  I haven't been eating much. My weight is the lowest it has been since Billie left.   Sleeping is hard even when I dose myself with medications.  I have not been out of the house since Sunday.  Firefly is supposed to be coming home tonight.  She has been gone for three days.  I feel like she will come up with an excuse not to show up before the day is out.

I am fixated on the uncertainty of this upcoming trick.  I am not sure if Firefly even wants to go anymore.  She is weaning herself off of benzos.  My gut tells me is will be hard to deal with on the trip.  It is hard to deal with her here.  I keep telling myself to not be impulsive.  There is not harm in waiting it out a few more days.  We don't have any advanced reservations.  I have nothing to lose.  If we don't go, I think I will just take the car away again and be done with her.  If we do, I will probably sign it over to her and ask her to move out.  I should never have put myself in this position.  I am really at a lose what to do.