And That's Okay

I wished Billy a happy birthday today. She told me she’s thriving and sent a couple of pictures of her daughter—she’s adorable. I told Billie that motherhood was always where she belonged. She agreed, saying it’s given her a whole new perspective.

She also said she thinks of me often. I can say the same. We bonded through trauma, but these days our connection feels less about what we endured and more about acknowledging that we survived.

Since my divorce, I haven’t had many meaningful relationships. That’s why it matters when someone like Billy remembers me as a positive part of her story. Even with Tinkerbell, for all the chaos, there’s still a mutual respect and acknowledgment.

Gia was different. With her, I did everything right—or as right as I knew how—and still didn’t get the ending I wanted. She walked away and erased the relationship completely.

The irony is that Gia probably would have stayed longer in a messy, chaotic relationship. But I’m not built that way anymore.

And that's okay.

Even The Losers

Well, it was nearly summer, we sat on your roof
Yeah, we smoked cigarettes, and we stared at the moon
And I showed you stars you never could see
Babe, it couldn't have been that easy to forget about me

Baby, time meant nothing; anything seemed real

Yeah, you could kiss like fire, and you made me feel

Like every word you said was meant to be

It couldn't have been that easy to forget about me

Billie and I broke up four years ago. It seems longer than that. The memories have begun to fade with time. Saturday is Billie's birthday. Monday is mine. It will be the fifth birthday we celebrated apart, and it will be the first time I don't reach out to her and wish her a happy birthday. I don't see a point anymore. I don't hate Billie, but I have never been able to accept the way things ended. I understand it, but I can never forgive it.

Two cars parked on the overpass

Rocks hit the water like broken glass

I should 'a known right then it was too good to last

God, it's such a drag when you live in the past

Tempus Fugit, "Time Passes"

Still, I wonder. 

Baby, even the losers

Get lucky sometimes

Even the losers

Keep a little bit of pride

They get lucky sometimes... Even The Losers, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

The Scene Of The Crime

Four Years Ago

On a partly cloudy day, Billie and I drove to Sterling, Michigan, to go kayaking on the Rifle River with our friends Tink and Tech. Little did we know it would be our last trip together.

"She is cheating on me," I tell Tink and Tech as Billie headed to the bathroom.  The night before, I discovered incriminating text messages on her phone. All morning a growing pit of anger and despair was forming within my stomach. Unsure of what to do, I elected to go on the kayaking trip anyway. We booked the long route, which can take six hours or longer. Midway through the trip, the river became congested with intertwined inner tubes carrying inebriated campers, resembling oversized floating lily pads. Billie and I got separated from Tink and Tech. We navigated through the chaos without slowing and reached the end an hour ahead of Tink and Tech.

Last Weekend

I returned to the Rifle River at the invitation of Tink and Tech. We were joined by two other couples for a kayaking excursion. I had been jokingly referring to returning to "the scene of the crime" when friends and coworkers asked about my plans for the holiday. However, revisiting the exact location didn't evoke many memories. Once again, at the halfway point, where the river became congested with tubers, I lost sight of the rest of the group and finished over an hour before they did.

I won't be going back. I cannot stand the crowds of drunken partiers. It is not my idea of fun. That is Tech and Tink's. Although they are getting too old for that, in my opinion. Still, the Rifle River leaves me sour.

It is the fourth of July. I declined Sam's invitation to go to the annual party friends put on. I am not pleasant company lately, and I cannot shake it. Back in March, the Psychic said 2023 was going to be a dry year in the dating market. She indicated I am going to start wondering if there is something wrong with me, but not to get caught up in that negative energy. Even with that warning, I feel like that is exactly what is happening.

Decisions

 I don't consider many decisions to be life altering. Decisions often make subtle changes in our lives and play out over time. I remember being a young designer on an interview early in my career. The man said to me, "I have two positions I am considering you for. I haven't decided which would be a better fit." He placed me in a group that designed automotive seats. His decision defined the course of my career.

Twelve years ago, on the Friday before Memorial weekend, I walked into the Penthouse Club during the day shift. Something I never did before. I had an agreement with the restroom attendant. I would bring him unused parts from work (wheel center caps). He would sell them online, and we would split the profits. It was the day I first met Billie. An occurrence that still shapes me to this day.

Direction

 Max is struggling with career direction. He is disenchanted with college and his career opportunities and has decided he wants to get into an apprenticeship program in the trades. He is looking at electrical. He wants to get into the Electrical Union apprentice program, but the local chapter is not accepting applications at this time.

I told him I could reach out to Billie, who is now a journeyman electrician, to see if she could put in a good word at her company. I texted Billie yesterday. She and her baby are doing well. Billie suggested Max would do better in the union, but she would she if her company is hiring if Max wants. 

Tuesday night, Max came over, and we worked on his resume. I reformatted his resume and gave him some pointers that would help him get more notice. He is looking at applying for the Electrical Union apprentice program in Flint. They are accepting applications. Flint is an hour away, though. He will have to do a lot of driving.

7 or 8

 Thursday, we saw our first snowflakes of the season. They quickly turn to rain. It will be in the 60s and 70s over the next few days, but it is a harboring of things to come. Last night both my stomach and my back were bothering me.

Ava came over, but I was not feeling myself, and she didn't stay long. I should have gone with my instincts and canceled. I enjoyed seeing her, but it was not fun for either of us. We planned her coming back next Tuesday for an overnight.

I threw up twice after she left and spent the early morning hours on the toilet. I suspect food poisoning again. Probably the spinach I added to my soup. By morning I was so dehydrated I felt dizzy in the shower and passed out. I woke up lying on the floor half out of the shower, confused and thinking how comfy the shower mat was. The shower curtain buffered my fall, and I didn't sustain any bruises.

This afternoon my stomach and my back are feeling better. I just need to stay away from the ab press in our gym at work and be careful what I eat for a few days. Today worked from home, which helped eliminate a bit of that stress.

I received an email from Billie yesterday. She passed her electrical journeymen's test on a Monday and gave birth the following Friday. She says the baby is doing well. Billie says she enjoys staying home but plans to return to work in December.

Billie has made a whole new life for herself. The one she probably should have had from the start. I feel like I wouldn't recognize her anymore. She thinks I deserve better than to be just passing the time with Ava. I replied that it is nice that she still feels that way, but what we get and deserve isn't always the same. In fact, I believe our choices bring us where we are, and I am okay with that.

I said, I wish I had more news, but things don't move fast around here. If you stopped by, you'd probably think they haven't moved at all.

It's true. My condo is like I remember my grandparent's houses. Always the same. Never really changing. A sure sign that I am getting old. 

I noticed I got another negative review on my book. Both are from women. 

 "Ewww. What a sad life. Typical middle-aged guy thinking (that) with he's a 10 when he's clearly a 4 and overcompensates by paying for women. Trash."

It is disappointing, but it doesn't bother me much. I wrote the book for myself. Not to paint some false truth but to chronicle the past. They can read into what they want, and actually, I consider myself about a 7 or 8 :). I am of average height, in shape, good in bed, and make twice the national average income. 

Aches and Pains, They Come With Age

Sam, Alexis, and I went to the Birmingham art fair on Sunday. Alexis complained the whole time. It was too hot for her. The beer at the restaurant was not cold enough. I didn't mind getting out, but I would have been just as happy staying home on my birthday.

I received birthday well wishes from my kids, including my unofficial fourth child, Tinkerbell, her boyfriend, my close friends, and both new mothers. Ava was the only one who didn't reach out, which is unsurprising. There is no getting close to that girl.

I haven't spoken to Ava since we got back from Ohio. I don't think she is going away any time soon, but I am letting her do her own thing. She is not much for small talk or sharing when we are apart. I am supposed to see her next week. I will try getting her to commit to one more short trip before the end of the year. Ava doesn't mind traveling with me or the drama it creates in her own life.

Tuesday, I managed to injure my back without doing anything. It just started bothering me at work and was unbearable last night. Sadly, I don't have any exciting tales to go along with the pain. Thankfully, Alexis hooked me up with some muscle relaxers so I can start loading the truck tonight.

I am falling apart. I made an appointment to have my left shoulder looked at today. From everything I have been told, it sounds like I will have to have surgery on it to have the front tendon re-attached. I will probably have that done closer to winter. 

Things are getting boring on the blog. I think I will dig up some archives posts before I get too busy this weekend.

Fifty-Eight

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in?
I hate this town...

Today is Sunday, September 18th, and I turned fifty-eight today. I know, it's hard for me to believe too. I am trying to make the best of my good years. Though I have to admit that I am slowing down.

I put the Lego display together on my work table one last time before starting the process of boxing everything up for transport. My cat, Sienna, is upset because I won't let her in the spare room where everything is in boxes, but I don't want to have to put anything back together if she starts jumping on things. I figure I will have enough to rebuild from the 40-minute drive to Novi.

I am working out the logistics. My truck is not big enough to take everything on one trip. I've decided to pack up what I can take Thursday night after work and then make a second trip Friday with the twins to complete the set-up. Sam has volunteered to help me dismantle and take things home Sunday night. I am excited. Hopefully, I will make a few like-minded connections at the show.

I texted Billie Friday for her birthday. Her baby was born two days after Firefly's baby. Both had girls. Billies was premature, and she delivered via a C-section. The baby weighed 5 lbs, 6ounces. She said everything was going well.

But now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me...All Signs Point to Lauderdale, A Day To Remember

Otherwise, it is a quiet rainy day that promises to turn hot and muggy later. I would be fine spending the day at home, but Sam wants to attend an art show in Birmingham this afternoon. 

The Other One

Sam called me late Sunday night. "You know, usually it is Tinkerbell drunk dialing me in the night."

"I am not drunk dialing you," she assures me. "Did you see Billie had her baby?"

Yes, the other one, as Shelby so affectionately called her. Had her baby Sunday, August 28th. She posted an image on Instagram. I haven't heard from her or reached out for any further information.

Billie has only posted three times on Instagram. They have all been made in the last month or so. One of her baby shower, one with her boyfriend, and now the picture of her baby. She never posted anything while we were together, nor up till now, anything with her new boyfriend. 

I think for the first time in her life, Billie feels normal. Good for her. Though, I can't help pontificating. There is no normal, and the fairytales society feeds us are not worth chasing.

Last night, I meet up with Sam for dinner. "You know, stalking my ex-girlfriend's Instagram account is a very girlfriend-like thing to be doing," I tell her.

Sam assured me she just popped up in her feed. I think Sam only mentioned it because she worried the news might send me into a funk. It hasn't. I am happy for Billie, but otherwise, I don't really feel affected. Billie is part of the past. Hopefully, there is not much of the girl I used to know there still.

August And Everything After

Well, I'm gon' paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very, very meaningful
Yeah, well, you know gray is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday..Mr. Jones, Counting Crows

August is here, and I feel like this month will pass quickly. Work is busy, I am working on my project, and I am sitting back and seeing how things unfold. I don't have any preconceived direction for the fall. I feel like I will adjust to whatever comes.

The level of uncertainty doesn't seem to bother me. I am watching the world from an island of relative tranquility that I feel comes with age and knowledge.

Saturday, Sam and I ventured into Detroit to see an Immersive Van Gogh exhibit. It was okay, but I felt it was overpriced. It is always an adventure going downtown. This time, traffic was horrible, the day was extremely hot, and spent a lot of time walking in circles. The city doesn't hold much allure for me.

Tink called me Saturday night while walking home after a night at the bar. She was a bit surly. That girl could really use some therapy. She still has deep issues relating to her parents. In addition to discussing her parents, she rambled on about why I wasn't madder at Billie for leaving me and was mad at me for not going on the kayaking trip this upcoming weekend.

I didn't bother trying hard to explain there was no benefit in being mad at Billie. I am contemplating going on the kayak trip. Still not looking forward to it. It partially depends if Ava can still get together Friday as she wants. I'd much rather see Ava than go kayaking down a river with a bunch of drunk partiers in inner tubes.

At this point, I seem to be fixing things I break as much as expanding my display. I am ready for the show. and my mind is teaming with new ideas. It has been a good experience so far. 

Quick Snapshot-- Without Pictures

 Well, much like the Psychic predicted, work has been busy. I knew Summer would be busy, but to top it off, I have been covering for two people on vacation. When I get home, I am either exhausted or working on the Leg project.

Last night, I stayed up past midnight. I completed the road along the front, adjusted the mountain behind the cottages so that it hinges open to see the dragon inside, and started working on concepts for the second large tower.  I have decided it will be a wizard's tower, but I am still working out the details for windows and a door.  I am playing with the concept of having a spiral stair running along the outside. I like the way the stair look, but my concept tower is built in the wrong colors, and I have to wait for the pieces I ordered last night to arrive.

Over the weekend, Tinkerbell, Tech, and I went to the Airshow at Selfridge Air Force base. It was a lovely day but extremely hot for walking around miles of asphalt. The base is only three miles from my house, and the event is free, so it was well worth the time.

I have pictures of all the above but no time to upload them.

Tinkerbell and Tech want me to go kayaking with them on the Rifle River in August. So far, I have declined. Tink is not happy with my choice. She should understand why. The last time I was there kayaking was the day Billie and I broke up. I found out she cheated on me the night before, held back the whole day for the trip's sake, and then confronted her that evening. 

Going back there would just stir up bad memories. Besides, the Rifle River is a party scene. Most people don't kayak. They use inner tubes and allow the current to take them downstream while they drink and party. I didn't like that last time.

Slow Spinning Redemption

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right; I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

Saturday was the memorial for Sam's father, who passed away earlier in the year. We had beautiful weather. I told Sam I would pick her up and be her chauffeur for the day. I helped set up the hall and made myself useful while staying out of the way. After the memorial, I stuck with Sam and went to her sister's house, where she was getting together with the rest of her family. I wanted to ensure she was okay and safe on such an emotional day.

That night, I received a 2:00 am call from Tinkerbell. She was out drinking with Tech and some friends. Her thoughts often drift to me when she is drunk and feeling unhappy. One of the things she said to me was, "You are my home."

Tink is not close to her family, and I consider her my fourth child. Anyone who has read my book knows we have had a long and complicated relationship. She is one of the few people I can talk to for hours on the phone. Her sense of humor makes me a funnier person.

Sunday, Sam and I went to an art fair in Saint Clair. It was held in the park along the riverfront. When I recounted the story to Sam, she said, "I wouldn't be surprised in the future if she winds up on your doorstep." 

I would not be surprised, though I don't expect it to happen until T-Rex graduates from high school. He has two more years. 

Ava texted me on Tuesday, "Hey, I might be back for a day this weekend. Are you available to meet this Sunday?"

"Yes, I would love to see you Sunday. I can arrange to be around."

"I will let you know more, either today or tomorrow," she continued.

"Wonderful, I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad I will get to see you soon."

She ended the conversation with a 100% emoji, a heart, and a cute emoji that looked like her with the words back at you.

I don't deny that I have left an impact on other people. Rather than accepting it unconditionally, I often question the motives or meaning. I don't think doing so is terrible, but it stems from a lack of confidence in myself and who I am. 

Billie said to me during our last exchange, "...you really do deserve someone who cares about you for who you are because you are a great person. You were such a positive person in my life, even though I was not.. at all. I'm glad I reached out too because I saw you as someone I would want to stay in touch with."

There is a term used in the manosphere, alpha widow. It can be defined as follows: 

An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact on her life.

But that impact can be sexual, financial, emotional, or any combination of what makes him who he is. I do not call myself an alpha male as defined by the manosphere. I have been a blue pill beta most of my dating life, though I have come to appreciate and embrace many of the ideas. They call those guys the top 20 percenters. In other words, the top 20% in looks, status, and frame. I consider myself in the top 30%, which is a difficult position. I am close, but not close enough.

Sometimes though, I don't think I give myself enough credit for my impact on others. 

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

Time

There were more dreams over the weekend. One was a conversation with Billie. I still have a hard time processing the end of that relationship. I am happy for her, but our discussions never resolve my conflicted feeling. 

Lately, I am acutely aware of how much time I spend waiting for time to pass. It's like I am wasting my life away. This morning I am waiting to hear from Ava. She is supposed to spend the night tonight, but scheduling has become more problematic. Usually, when she is quiet, it is not a good sign. 

Firefly had a lovely baby shower over the weekend. She says her apartment is full of baby things, but she is still worried. Firefly seems happy. Hopefully, she can keep her spirits lifted once the baby is born.

It seems these posts lately do not go in the direction of my thoughts. Mostly, because my thoughts are cloudy. I don't know about anyone else, but I am waiting to see what the future holds. Times feel uncertain. Too many things can go wrong. 

Morning Messages

Tuesday morning, I was driving to work. A familiar face popped up on my display screen while I was backing the Jeep into a parking spot. It was Billie sending me a text.

Billie: Hey, haven't talked to you in a long time..hope you are doing well.

Bathwater: I am doing okay. I was just thinking about you too. How are things with you?

Billie: I'm doing really good, you probably wouldn't believe it, but I'm pregnant, due in September, and off fent!

Bathwater: That's great! I am glad to hear it. I know that is what you've always wanted. I am happy for you. A September baby suits you. Are you having a boy or a girl?

Billie: Yes, I am excited. It is a big change for me. A girl. I have been able to build up my credit, help with getting a new roof, furnace, air conditioning, and cut trees down. It's a good feeling. How are you, though?

Bathwater: You will be an excellent mother, Billie. You have a good heart. I went on a few road trips in April. Went exploring caves in Tennesse and then Kentucky. I am making the best of things, but it's not been ideal.

Billie: That's good. I am glad you are getting out. What do you mean it hasn't been ideal? Have you been able to find someone?

Bathwater: I've found a series of temporary someones. They seem to fizzle out at the most inopportune times. Like summer :). I am not holding out much hope, but that's okay.

Billie: I wish you could find a person that genuinely cares for you. You deserve that...and it is not impossible.

Bathwater: I went to the psychic a few weeks back. She painted a bleaker picture of how you were doing. I am glad it is not so. But then, I will have to take any good things she said with a grain of salt. I think the problem is I don't want to care about anyone else, but I am truly happy for you.

Billie: Thank you! I really just wanted to fill you in on all the changes happening, they seemed so far away at one point, and now things are falling into place. I still have to deal with stress often, but that is the same for everyone I guess. I just really wish you would find the right person for you. I have a feeling you are still looking in the wrong places.

The conversation went on. At points, it sounded like the Charisma Exercise, which was good to hear. I am glad Billie is doing so well. So much for the psychic?

 

Psychic Reading- Part V

 I saved this installment of the Psychic reading for today. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend 2011, I first met Billie. We have talked about Billie in the past. The Psychic could have looked back at her notes, but the Psychic sees hundreds of people a year. Does she keep notes on all of them? 

"I do like to ask about other people. My ex, her name is Billie. I just want to check in on her metaphysically. I don't check in with her much on the physical stream anymore. But there is a deep connection between us. I have always had trouble disconnecting. I'd just like to know how she is," I told the Psychic.

"Okay, you know what, I feel like she looks a lot older than she is. She's not the same person she used to be. Her face looks sunken in. I feel like she's on the thin side."

"She always has been," I say.

"Yeah, but you know what, see, sometimes I don't think she really eats, and I feel like she looks skinny and needs to put on a little weight. That's what I would say. I feel like there's a guy in her life, and he tries to take care of her. That I do."

"You know, like when somebody has an addiction problem-- like if somebody gave her painkillers. She would keep taking them. She likes the way they make her feel. When she's doing this. It relaxes her. When she's not doing that, I feel like she has a lot of anxiety-- a lot of anxiety. And she's like paranoid, you know, nervousness."

"I do see in the future you are going to, I don't know, reconnect with her or someone who knows her. Just saying something like, how is she doing? I do not see her living till she's old. She needs to be careful of someone hurting her. It's not the guy she's with. I don't know, sometimes I think she's not with good people. That's what I pick up with her. There's a female in her life, and I think it's somebody connected to family and also, it's someone that she's talking to more, and I think a while ago they weren't talking. So, developing a relationship there."

"I don't think she's been feeling well. So, just not feeling good. That's what I pick up with her."

"Should I reach out, or not reach out?" I ask.

"NO, because then you will have another one, another person. Like I said, she's got this guy that takes care of her. I really think she tries to stop it when you say addiction. I just feel like, I don't know, I don't think she can. She's getting older. She doesn't want her life to continue like this, and the problem is that she might go from one addiction to another one. You know, like pills. But she is thinking, well, this is better than what I used to do, and I think there's someone around her that drinks a lot."

"Like I said, she's okay."

I laugh nervously, "she doesn't sound like it."

"I know, but I see her being in a home. I see people stopping over. I feel like they all do the same thing. I do think she tells herself I shouldn't do this. She's very smart person, but it's taken hold of her. It's controlling her life, and I think things are starting to hit her more because I think she looks in the mirror and is like, who is that person. I don't think she did that before. And now, she's like, I better do something about this, or it will kill me."

"So, do I see her being this way for the rest of her life? I don't. I don't. I don't see that. I think she's so hard on herself that she wouldn't want to reach out to, let's say, family or people that she used to talk to before because Billie doesn't want them to see her like this, and she thinks they are not going to want her around anyway. What keeps happening is that she's in a circle, and all these people are just doing what she's doing. I think someone that comes around her has a child that comes around. But this other person is taking care of her."

The Pyschic's words make it sound like this guy is not taking care of her, but sometimes I wonder if I did any better. I would rather hear Billie getting married and thinking about having a baby than this.

Billie is a memory now. A lesson best not repeated. There are days I miss her, but those are fewer and further between. Perhaps the Psychic was correct when she said, "you are more accomplished in life than you thought you would be."

I hope everyone has a good holiday weekend.

Losing

 I have been losing too much weight lately. I have been tracking my weight on my phone since April of 2018. Wednesday marked an all-time low. I lost sixteen pounds the summer I was going through my break-up with Billie. I am six pounds lighter than that now. At this point, I think everyone would say I have lost too much. Still, I'd rather be too skinny than too large.

I don't think it is health-related. It may be stress or depression-related, but those tend to be temporary. I have changed my diet. I've added more fruits and vegetables into my lunches. That is the influence Ava has left on me.

It was a mild 71 degrees outside Wednesday. I took a walk outside at lunchtime. When Billie and I were together, she would be too tired from a long day of work to go outsides, which seemed okay. These last few years, it's felt like every day I spend inside during the summer, I am missing out on something.

I need to make plans for the weekend. Tink and family will be in DC. Sam is helping her stepson move to Wisconsin for a summer internship this week, but I pick her up from the airport Friday night. Maybe she will go biking, or I can get the twins out for a walk. I see my friend Jay and his wife Friday for dinner, but he usually has plans for the weekend. He likes to play golf. I never took to the sport. I never had the patience or desire to improve past my limited ability.

I have put myself out on dating apps, Tinder, Bumble, and SA. It was something I did instinctively before Ava made her announcement, but those usually take a month or two before they pan out if at all. Ava has promised to help me update my photos which will probably help. I don't usually put much effort into photos, and she is a perfectionist. 

I booked another reading with the psychic for next week. I know most of you don't believe in psychics, but this one has always been insightful and it is a fun distraction. I still want to get to Hawaii. If I get that chance, I am going to take it.

Charisma Exercise

A book Ava and I listened to on the trip to Kentucky was on charisma. It is called Charisma Myth. One exercise in the book is to write a letter to someone that has wronged you in the past. There are several reasons for this: letting go of the past, stopping its effect on you, and closure. After writing the letter, you write the person's response. By constructing the reply, you create a reality that can be as effective as an actual interaction in changing how you feel about the event.  What follows is a letter from myself to Billie and my written reply from her.

*     *     *

Billie

How are you? It has been a while since we spoke. I have thought of you often over the past few years. At first, it was every day, but now sometimes days will pass without something reminding me of you. Sometimes I wonder if it is the same for you, but I'm not sure if I want to know. I have come to understand why you left. Still, the way it happened hurt me. I deserved better from you. 

When we were together, I was willing to compromise parts of myself for the relationship. Probably too much of myself, but I would not be who I am today if we never met, and I do not look back on our time together with regret. It still seems strange that we seldom reach out to each other, but those times we do never seem natural anymore. There are people I don't mind losing touch with, but you will never be one of them. I like to think that we are still friends.

I have met several women over the past two years, but I am not expecting to find a relationship. I am not willing to compromise. Frankly, I haven't seen anyone worth considering.

I have accomplished several things and hope to accomplish many more. I've traveled to places we never could and plan on going to more. I am happy most days and making the best of my life. Deep down, I am the same person, but I would like to think you would also recognize my changes if we were to meet. It has taken me a long time to get to this place, and I still have a long way to go, but I see my path more clearly now.

I genuinely hope you are happy. I hope you are healthy and have kicked your habit. More than anything, I wish that for you. I hope you think of me fondly when a silver Jeep passes you on the road or when you hear a particular song on the radio the way I do you. I fear you probably want to forget the past, but I hope you can remember there were good times there.

Sincerely

Bathwater

*     *     *

Bath

I am good, work is still a struggle some days, but I have not stopped learning. You know I am sorry I hurt you. It is something I never intended to do. I didn't leave because of you. There are still things I need to do. I am still trying to figure myself out.

I never will forget you. I probably would not be alive today if it wasn't for you, and that is something I will never forget. 

I am glad you are happy and doing the things you've always wanted to do. I am sorry I could not give you that. Yes, I often wonder how you and the boys are doing. You will always be my friend, and you can always reach out to me.

It is a struggle, but I am clean. I would like to think you could see the changes in me and be proud. They wouldn't be possible without you. We are planning to get married and want to have children. I hope you find someone. You are a good person and don't deserve to be alone. Don't shut out that possibility.

 I can never repay you, but I want to thank you for all you did for me. 

Billie

*     *     *

I am mauling over the idea of sending my letter to Billie. I don't think she would send a similar reply. I believe she feels many of the things I've expressed, but she would lack the ability to articulate them. I don't think I am looking for closure. This isn't a door I am willing to close in the strict sense of the word. 

Weak

One of the last things I said to Billie was agonizing comes from not making a decision. Things become easier once you make the decision. Right or wrong, you make a choice, and you are no longer polarized. She doubted my wisdom, but it's true. Knowing this doesn't solve my problem.

But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy, I love it when I fall for that
I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy, I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak...Weak, AJR

Billie consistently appears in my dreams. Wednesday night, I dreamed I was rescuing  Billie from rehab. Like most of my dreams, things turned sideways, and she was missing as much as she appeared.

I have unresolved issues leftover from our relationship. My feelings are conflicting. I know our time has passed, but yesterday Billie weighed heavy on my mind. I don't talk about it much anymore. It doesn't resolve anything, and no one wants to listen.

I wrote a version of this yesterday but didn't post it. I've distilled my thoughts down to one simple truth, I miss Billie. I probably always will.

Two Stories

I am going to a wedding this weekend. My friend Alexis is marrying an old friend from high school. It is not a marriage of love. The guy she is marrying is morbidly obese, an alcoholic, and has several health issues. Alexis is marrying him because he has no heirs and has committed to signing her onto his health insurance and pension (he is a teacher and has good coverage).

The marriage will never be consummated. They will never live in the same house. Alexis is securing her future, although I think his life insurance will get wasted by her on booze and online gambling. For his part, the man faces his own mortality and fears dying alone.

The wedding was supposed to be a simple justice of the peace affair. Few were supposed to know about it, but the man has since invited twenty members of his family and friends. Alexis has invited two, Sam and me.

I warned her that this arrangement would come with a price. Alexis doesn't want the marriage to become public knowledge because she fears judgment, but I think the guy will hold it over her head. Alex thinks the guy doesn't have long to live, although he needs to live at least a year for her to get the full benefit. I warned her that the human body can take a lot of abuse and nothing is ever free.

It should be an interesting ceremony.

*     *     *

Ava is still in talks with a wealthy older man. He wants an exclusive relationship with her for two years. The man offered a place to live that would become hers after, a salary, and health insurance. In turn, he asked for an exclusive arrangement. She is not attracted to him. Ava is already looking for loopholes. The fact she went on a four-day trip to Florida with him and slept in separate rooms is telling. Ava and I will not be sleeping in different rooms when we travel to Tennessee.

Ava is already scheming up ways to continue seeing me. I am left to assume I give her something she knows she will lose, and it isn't financial security. The man's offer dwarfs anything I provide. He can take her anywhere, give her anything. Still, she wants to go to Hawaii with me.

Months ago, I deduced something happened to Ava four years ago. Ava lost her virginity at twenty-four. She is twenty-nine now. That relationship changed everything for her. She felt betrayed by him in some way that she would not go into detail, but she said he lost her trust.

I warned her this arrangement would come with an unspoken price and the benefits seem vague at best at this point. I warned if she was going to go into this, she should make sure it was on her terms. "Make a list of what you want and stick to them. You have more power here than you think. I doubt this will be the last opportunity you will get," were the words I left her with. Financial, she thinks it is a lot to give up, but I warned her it sounds like the same situation she is trying to escape, and she will not be happy.

*     *     *

I understand Alexis and Ava's motivations better than ever, but I also know that women are emotional and men are more logical. The two do not mix. The goals they want from the arrangements are not the same as the men's goals, regardless of how it is framed. You cannot buy love, and that is what these men seek. I know because I have been there. This difference in mindset will cause friction.

It has been so hard for me to get over Billie because she did love me for a time. I disagree with what Alexis and Ava are doing, but not because they take what is being offered to them. I don't think it is good for them. They will not learn to take care of themselves or live on their own terms. But, that is just my opinion-- and I think logically.

A Second Comment

Secret Escape asked:

Have you ever thought that maybe you feel hollow because all you do is look for women to have sex with as opposed to trying to have a real "relationship"? You seem to go into these paid encounters looking for more, and then are disappointed. You're paying Ava for sex, not her innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want someone to share themselves with you, you're going to have to do more than plunk some money down. Choosing people on shallow points will give you shallow results.

I remember going on a date with The Hippie. Looking back, part of the problem was I was not ready to date. Not in that sense. I am not sure much has changed.

That is the crux of the problem. When I was younger, a relationship was the end goal. I thought a relationship would make me happy and solve all my problems. They never did, though, they just created new problems. I ask myself what do I want and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it. 

What does a relationship bring with it that I am missing-- companionship, sex, love, someone to grow old with?  Even those things can fade over time. When I was with Billie she provided those things and I was willing to sacrifice anything for her. I came home each day to her and never thought, this is not the woman I want to be with.

Billie wasn't perfect. Far from it. She had issues and our relationship came with many problems. My life is easier and has more direction without her. I know where I want to be five and ten years from now. Being in a relationship would not change those goals. 

I have a family, friends, a home I love, a car, a job, financial security. What can a relationship bring to me that I value that I don't already have? What I have, is what makes me a valuable partner to a woman looking for a relationship. Sure, there are women who do not need these things either, but they would not be willing to date someone without them. Not seriously.

What can a woman bring to a relationship that I value--looks, sex, a lack of baggage? Those are hard to find in a woman my age. Perhaps it is time for me to start dating again, but I will be doing it with a different mindset.