After

I started this post prior to the events around Thanksgiving.  The losses I have experienced this year cannot be expressed by the number of days that have past.  I miss Billie.  I feel like the flawed life we had together will get distorted by time into a perfection that didn't exist. Only my memoir reminds me of the truth, but being with someone is never perfect.  It is not meant to be that way.

Firefly wants to come home in a few days.  She is drying out at a friends house.  I have spoken with the friend and he seems to be legitimately try to help her.  We will see how it goes.  If she can just make it to the 17th and our vacation I think 20 some days on the road will help her refocus or drive us both insane.

The holiday season. Is the time I struggle the most.  Last year I was sick and too busy taking care of my dad, but this year I have been working from home full time again and this long vacation has already been a struggle.  I am not sure how well I will be able to handle eighteen days off alone.  Twenty-five days on the road would be an adventure.  An adventure I really would like to have.

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Car Touble

 Monday night Firefly came home late with little in the way of explanation.  Tuesday it was difficult to pull her out of bed at noon so she could make her 1:15 appointment with the addiction doctor.  She didn't come home Tuesday night.  She said she was staying with a friend in Warren.  It start big text exchange.  I told her this was not working for me and she should find another place to live among other things.  

Wednesday she continued to avoid coming back to the condo.  She was probably afraid I would take away her keys.  It rained all day Wednesday.  I headed out to a few places I felt I might find her but I didn't see any trace of her.  I gave up and went home. She text me again in the evening telling me she was in Washington Township staying with another friend.

By Thanksgiving morning the rain had stopped.  I got up earlier.  I cannot stop Firefly from spiraling out of control but she was not going to be using the car I paid for and insure to do it.  I figured if she was staying with a friend from school like she said it would be in an apartment.  Twenty year old kids cannot afford to own a home in that area.  There ae not many apartment complexes in the area.  So I took a twenty minute drive to Washington Township and did a little looking around.  

The first place I checked was on the way to where I really felt she would be.  I drove through but didn't see the Saturn Vue.   I found the Vue in the second apartment complex.  I parked me truck across the street and walked back to the Vue.  The Saturn had a quarter tank of gas.  I drove it to a nearby Meijer parking lot.  The grocery store was open and people were still buying last minute Thanksgiving day meal items. I walked back to my truck and drove home.  Once I got home, I took an Uber and retrieved the Vue. 

It was not until after 5:00 pm that she noticed the car was missing.

Firefly: 'You took the car?'

Bathwater:  'You went off the rails and disappeared for two days.'

She said she is going to pay for the car and then I can be done with her.  It won't happen.  She was silent today.  Probably going through withdrawals.  

November Updates

 We had our first snowfall of the season.  A dusting that just cover roofs and grass.  Temperatures are expected to rise this week.  It doesn't look like we will have any real accumulation this month.  This week is a short work week.  It should be slow.  

Firefly had a fever a couple days last week.  I think she had a mild case of covid.  It didn't infect me.  I did not show any symptoms except for a headache.  She didn't get tested.  I still feel I had the virus back in March but who can say for sure.  I have limited those I am around.  Firefly has been doing her usual.  She is on Suboxone but she has not reduced the amount of crack she smokes.  It is irritating.  I am not sure we will go on a road trip in December.  There are two things against it.  Her drug use and the virus. 

I have been playing Borderland 3.  I do not find it as fun as 1 or 2.  I want to start an original Lego model but I have not gotten up the ambition.  I am not sure what theme I want to build around.  It will be either Call of Duty or Harry Potter.  I really want to replicate some of the rooms in the classic Call of Duty Zombie maps in Lego.  

  

A Leap of Faith

 We are working from home again.  The governor has issued another three week lockdown.  Truthfully we should never have gone back to the office.  It was only two days a week, but we had three covid cases amongst the team in that time.  A three week stay at home order will mean only one or two more times in the office for me.

I am watching a documentary on quantum theory.  A topic that intrigues me and confuses me.  Apparently it is a topic that confuses the experts too.  I am drawn to entanglement theory.  In quantum physics, entangled particles remain connected so that actions performed on one affect the other, even when separated by great distances.  I like to project this theory onto people.  We affect those we are entangled with even over long distances just by changes we make in ourselves.

The more I learn about quantum theory the more I think we are in a simulation.  A simulation our conscious has more control over than we realise. 

When I see him, I feel him
There's an intenseness
In him, in his eyes
He wants me to be with him
He wants me with him now

She just seems to be missing
How could that happen anyhow...No Questions Asked, Fleetwood Mac

It Takes a Village

It was one of those weeks.  I did a search on the name of Billie's new boyfriend.  He came up in the voting records at his new address.  The house she moved into with him.  It is a small two bedroom, one bath 1100 sq. ft. box in Southfield.  Not a great neighborhood.   It is thirty minutes away but I had to drive by...just to see.

Sunday Tinkerbell, her family, and I went to Greenfield Village.  I always like Greenfield Village.  Henry Ford decide he was going to preserve history and created a museum and a the village to keep historic builds preserved for future generations.  If you are a Henry Ford or Thomas Edison fan you will like it.  You won't hear much about Nikola Tesla or the Dodge brothers though. It is history seen through the eyes of Henry Ford.

The forecast called for sunny and mid forties but in actuality the sun did not appear much.  We spent several hours walking the grounds.  We were cold and tired by the time we left. 

Not a picture from our day

Friday I went to the urgent care to get a covid 19 antibody test.  I was sick in March.  I could not get tested then but if I have the antibodies it would give me piece of mind during our road trip.  Despite making an appointment it the wait was horrendous.  After 30 minutes and finding out the people in front of me had been waiting for over an hour I left.  Two hours later they called me and said I was next.  I told them I left an hour ago.  

I installed my rotopax and strapped the air pump to a rack inside the bed of the Jeep.  I am looking at a different bumper and a wench but for now I think those are just on a wish list.

Steamroller

Dreams unwind

Love's a state of mind...Rhiannon, Fleetwood Mac

Last night I went to Alexis' house to get my hair cut.  We spent a few hours sitting outside in her garage smoking vapes and catching up.  Alexis is happy with the election results and is poking fun at a guy she was hooking up with for being a sore loser.   Alexis wanted to hear all about Firefly and her return.

"So I hear your roommate is back.  What going on?  Spill the beans,"  she says to me.

 Alexis finds my relationship with Firefly unusual.  I find this a bit amusing.  Alexis is an alcoholic. She is having sex with multiple partners (including a married man) and she is not above using a man for his money.  To me she is no different that Firefly.  She is just thirty years older.  

Alexis doesn't understand why I don't look for someone closer to my own age.  It is pretty obvious really.  I don't fit with women my own age.  I am financially stable, but I am not rich.  I cannot afford, nor do I even desire to retire anytime soon.  So, I do not appeal to women my age looking for security.  I am still an adult child.  If I had to choose between a hot mess like Alexis or Firefly, I will always choose the younger hotter version.  I know where I fit.

She thinks that sex will become less important in a few years and wonders if I will just want a companion at some point.  I agree with her.  Sex will become less important, but as the desire for sex diminishes for me, so will the desire for a companion.  I told Alexis I want to take this long trip in December.  It is something I will probably never do again.  At least not with someone like Firefly.  

I am not a fan of the holiday season.  Growing up, the holidays were about family getting together.  This is also the narrative we are feed by society.  Picture perfect holidays ended when I got divorced.  I feel like these things go in cycles.  I long for the holidays of the past.  My son Max will probably struggle to create the picture perfect holidays he never had.

I feel like I am losing my way again.  My mind is in the past and the future.  Not the moment.  This time of year does that to me.  It comes on with the weight of a steamroller.  

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost.. Dreams, Fleetwood Mac

Sara

 Wait a minute baby

Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told me about the fire

Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
But now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
Then call me home

I only listen to Stevie Nicks or Lindsey Buckingham lead songs by Fleetwood Mac.  I think Christen McVie is overrated.

Today Firefly and I went up to Armada and road our bikes on the Orchard Trail.  It was an unseasonably warm day.  The trees lost all their color and dried leaves covered much of the trail.  I have avoided the Orchard Trail.  I have not ridden it since Billie left.  It still stirs up old memories of how things used to be.  

Riding is hard for Firefly.  Her hips are damaged from dancing and gymnastics.  She will probably need surgery when she is older.  I think she suggested it to please me.  Sometimes I think she tries to fill Billie's vacant shoes.  I don't want that.  I want to do different things.  Like this upcoming vacation.

Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night, all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there, yeah
Ask me and I'm there, I care

Billie is on my mind.  I look at the progress Firefly is making and I wonder why Billie never made it this far.  Firefly has a long way to go but she is trying and she is making progress.  I wonder if Billie has?  Did she find a reason?  Something her old life did not supply? 

After a short ride on the trail we stopped at an apple orchard and purchased some cider and donuts.  It is past apple picking season.  There were no lines.  Firefly should be going to apple orchards with a boy her own age.  In a year or so she will.  That is why I say our road trip is a once in a lifetime experience.  I am getting too old and set in my ways to chase women.

I enjoy the new experiences.  I want to try new things but my heart still resides in the past..it always will.

Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, and don't you ever stop
Now it's gone
No it doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
I'll come by...Sara, Fleetwood Mac

Making Plans

 As some have guessed, Firefly first week home was a bit of a struggle.  It is smoothing out.  She is on Suboxone and has appointments with a psychiatrist and an addictionologist.  I am dealing with a bit of a horny insomniac.  Which I am not complaining about. There is nothing wrong with falling asleep after sleep and waking up to sex.

We are still making plans for a sweeping 25 day vacation across the southwest.  It should be a once in a lifetime adventure.  Sure I may go back out west, but will I have 25 days off and a willing companion again before I retire (which I never plan on doing).  

Today I started investing on upgrades to the gladiator for the trip.  I am adding a dash cam, racks for rotopax and holding equipment to things we might need on the road including first aid kits.

I was looking at adding a compressor but I don't think I want to spend the money for the amount of times I will use it.  I decided to use the portable compressor.  

It is only six weeks away.  I have been looking at cities and destinations along the way: Nashville, Hot Springs, Galveston Isle, Carlsbad, Roswell, Tuscon, Mojave Desert, Grand Canyon and back through Utah and Colorado as weather permits.  We are not booking things far in advance just picking and choosing as we go although we will probably celebrate Christmas around Tucson. 

Work In Progress

 It is after midnight.  I am trying to sleep.  Firefly is still trying to settle down and is staring at the screen of her phone.  When her Seroquel kicks in, I roll onto my back and she snuggles into me.  

"Why do you keep me around," she asks.

She is drowsy and is asleep before I can reply.  I don't have an answer.  Rothwilder would say I am retreading familiar ground.  This is true, but I am expecting a different outcome, or am I here because I know what to expect?  Covid changed a few things.  It is not easy to get out and keep busy. Having Firefly around has helped.

How is she doing.  I am really not sure.  She is on Suboxone.  Which means technically she is not doing any Fentanyl, but she is getting the Suboxone off the streets which means continuing her old routines.   Let's just say it is a work in progress.  

The year keeps plodding on toward the end.  I am still counting down the days.