Broke Parts

I think Ava did get caught. She just didn't want to tell me. She probably wiggled her way out of it with lies but feels like she is on thin ice. With her uncharacteristic last words, "I'll be in touch." I wouldn't be surprised if she just ghosts me. I would be disappointed but not surprised.

Ironically, I don't have to make these things up. Sunday, I reached out to a girl from SA that I was texting back in September. We once planned to get together for coffee, but she got Covid, and things fizzled at the time. So we never met. 

Summer: I would definitely like a re-do, though, and to get a drink with you sometime!

Bathwater: How is your week looking? I am open except for Wednesday.

Summer: I can do Tuesday. I have to work till around 5:00.

Bathwater: Tuesday works for me. Let's meet at Atomic Coffee in Royal Oak around 6:30. Does that work for you?

Summer: Yes, that will be perfect.

Monday night, I received another message from Summer.

Summer: Hey there! I would like to be upfront about something before we meet tomorrow. I am not sure if I told you before or not, but I'm currently in a relationship in which he does not know I'm on the site on the side.

Is that a problem for you? I can only truly meet on weekdays and stay out till 8-9 ish.

It turns out Summer has been in a relationship for a year and a half. Her availability would be much the same as Ava's. Still, I agreed to get coffee with her Thursday. I do like a puzzle. Am I the only one that finds these woman's actions unusual? Is Summer another narcissist? My lifestyle must expose me to a specific type of woman. 

Sometimes I do feel surrounded by the wrong people. 

We are, we are, we are made from broken parts
We are, we are, we are broken from the start
And our hearts, our hearts, they were beating in the dark
'Cause we are, we are, we are built from broken parts... We Are, Hollywood Undead

Long Weekend

 I stayed home for Thanksgiving. I made meatloaf and mashed potatoes and ate two pieces of store-bought creme pie. During my four-day vacation, I took apart the large tower, rebuilt it, and condensed my display. I am happy with the results and have a good idea of what will come next.

Friday morning, Ava reached out to me. We made plans to meet at J Baldwins for dinner at 8:00. I made reservations. Later that afternoon, Ava texted me wanting to change plans. Though she wanted to stop at J Baldwins to pick up gift cards (they were having a sale), she wanted to know if I just wanted to order carryout instead. She claimed she trying to be respectful of my time, but I felt she was gaslighting me. 

Ava had ulterior motives. My only guess is that she was worried about being seen in public with me. I couldn't get ahold of her before dinner, but she showed up at precisely 8:00, and the rest of the evening was fine. While we were at dinner, she mentioned the friend she had a falling out with had texted her boyfriend and warned him that she was still hanging out with me. Apparently, this happened a few weeks ago. Her timing was fuzzy.

She told him Jay was lying and said she made it through the conversation. I find it hard to believe that he is that dense. With all the other things that don't add up, it should have opened his eyes. Regardless, something is going on with Ava. As Liz mentioned in her comment, "cracks are forming."  What that means is anyone's guess. It is too much work trying to figure it out.

I suggested Ava consider surrendering to her relationship, but she admitted she could not stop doing what she does. That is one thing I believe. "Then, eventually, you will get caught," I told her.

All the lying has got to be exhausting. I find it exhausting, and it doesn't impact me. My comments to Ava are my way of saying either embrace who you are or change. Standing on the fence is the worst place to be. There is no wrong choice except to not make one.

Ava spent the night, and we had a good time. We always seem to have a good time. We watched a few episodes of Wednesday before heading upstairs. I tossed her around the bedroom for an hour before we fell asleep, and in the morning, we did it again, a bit more subdued. Notably, Ava did not make plans to meet up again before leaving. Instead, she said she would be in touch. 

A coworker asked if Ava was keeping me from finding someone else. I don't think so. I do that myself.  right now, my excuse is my upcoming surgery. But, next year, it could be the case. Honestly, I am not motivated to find someone new. 

A Snapshot Of November

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…  Several things from my Amazon playlist

Reading…  Still not reading anything, although I have been thinking of finding a good fantasy series to pass the time.

Watching…  Warrior Nun and Wednesday on Netflix. Both are fun series with cute female protagonists.

Creating … I finally have images of my new display to share. After much rebuilding, I am happy with the proportions of the first section of four plates.

This is where it started, but I did not like the open space and the outside stairs wrapped in the wrong direction.

After much rebuilding this weekend, I consolidated it from six wide to four wide and staggered the towers. There is still a lot to do.  There will be trees, a road, a stable on fire on the right side, and a hill with another waterfall, but I like the more compact setting. I do not like open space or to many square lines.

It is hard to see the detail in the back, but it will be another 360-degree display.

Hoping… The next three weeks go quickly.

Buying… I went shopping today. Bed Bath And Beyond is closing near me but didn't see anything I need. I looked for Lego deals over the weekend but didn't see any of these either.

Loving...  Solitude lately.

Planning… For my surgery in December, major plans are on hold until then. Although I am looking forward to displaying my Lego creation.

Missing… People and places, but nothing concrete.

Feeling…  Settled. The holidays are here, but they are nothing like I remember. Though, they were always stressful anyway and never as picturesque as in the past.

Changing Plans

 I met up with Ava for dinner at Somerset Mall last night. She complained that she could not buy more than one $500 Visa gift card at a time at local drugstores and that the $500 cards were even hard to find. The problems of a person who works for cash. The fact she is out buying gift cards to make purchases for the holidays tells me she is making the most of the time her boyfriend is away. I have to deduce what she is up to with Ava by what she doesn't say.

We ate at California Pizza kitchen. While we were out at dinner, she sprung a change in her plans for Friday. Originally, we were going to meet up Friday and go to a strip club (her idea) then she was spending the night. Ava made a last-minute dinner date with a friend for her birthday. 

"But you already have plans," I reminded her. 

That was when a litany of excuses came out, but I wasn't accepting them. Ava said she didn't think I would mind, yet she didn't bother consulting me before changing things."I can see what it is like arguing with you," I told her. 

Ava commented that she sees me about once a week, and I reminded her that she is paid to be there. That was not altruism on her part. The mood at our table shifted. We ate in silence until she shifted the conversation to the meal. I replied with short remarks. This was not going to be an excusable offense.

We walked the mall after dinner, browsing some of the stores. I made a quick purchase at the Lego store while we were there. Our conversation was disjointed. I would be referring to one thing while she another. Some of my humor returned while we shopped, but distance remained between us. 

Ava offered to change her plans back. In the end, I told her she could do what she wanted, but in my mind, I was feeling consequences were in order. Ava was heading to the gym after, and she offered for me to join her, but I decided it wouldn't be worth it.

This morning, she text me to let me know she moved her dinner with her friend to Monday and that we were all set for Friday. It was a prudent move on her part. We will see what happens Friday.

Flags

 It has been snowing here all day, but we are not getting any accumulation. To the west of us and to the east, they are getting feet of snow. I live in a safety zone that is spared. I think it has something to do with the nearby lakes.

Ava stopped over last night. She seemed preoccupied. I accused her of shoehorning me into her scheduled. Which was correct. Ava didn't know what the term meant. I told her it was forcing something into a tight space. She sees it as going out of her way to ensure she spends time with me. There is no convincing her otherwise.

I can't be offended. That is just Ava. She doesn't sit still. Always racing from one thing to the next. "That's just life," she would say. I'm trying to ban that phrase from her vocabulary. Life is what we choose it to be.

Ava's latest argument with her boyfriend was over her phone. He bought her a new phone months ago and put her on his plan. She didn't want that. He wanted her to get a new phone number to cut ties with her "past." By past, he meant her sugar-baby relationships. Ava argued that she needed to keep her Google number because it was attached to her financial apps.

This week Ava ordered a new SIM card for her phone. She no longer wants to be on his phone plan, which started the argument. Ava stated after the argument with her best friend, J, she no longer wants to be beholden to any man.

Part of the problem is the SIM card will only work over wifi. I told Ava I was on her boyfriend's side. She needed a phone that worked all the time, but I wouldn't argue if she wanted to pay for her own plan. Despite his sheltered mindset, the boyfriend's red flag meter must be going off. Maybe Ava sees it too. 

Ava told me she bought him a $300 electric snow blower for the winter. It was an early holiday gift. She says her boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck. Mind you, he works in the same industry as me and makes good money. 

On a separate note. Am I the only one who thinks Elon Musk is destroying Twitter on purpose so he can send it into bankruptcy? He can eliminate debt and then rebuild it. I mean, he is an ass, so he may think everyone should work like dogs. He has made similar comments before at Tesla, but I don't think he is this stupid.

Them Shoes

My mind is filled with ghosts
And more than most of all, my love's gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone where I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm livin' in a past life
In a past life, too
It's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So, here's a little feedback

You gotta wear those shoes

I spend my time trying to figure people out. Maybe it is to avoid figuring out myself. I don't think there is much left about me that I don't already know. At my age, there are no significant plans to make any changes. 

We received our first snow last night. It was not enough to cover the ground or the roads, just a harboring of what is to come. It is cold here. It is hard to believe we had temperatures in the sixties just a week ago.

I warned Ava the last time I saw her that she would need to find an excuse to get away between the Christmas and New Year holidays. Otherwise, she would be stuck with him for ten days. Judging from her actions on Halloween, her birthday, and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, she is probably dreading those ten days.

Her desire to distance herself from her boyfriend is apparent. I think it is both conscious and subconscious on her part. I try not to take away much from her wanting to be around me during those days. She is running low on other places she would like to escape. It is a tangled web that will continue playing out, at least until after my surgery.

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
And you have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes... Them Shoes, Patrick Sweany

Connect

I was not as productive as I had planned this weekend. Saturday, I was watching documentaries on Disney+ when I received a text from Ava.

Ava: What are you doing? I finally got away.

Bathwater: Where are you? And, happy birthday, btw.

Saturday was Ava's birthday. She convinced her boyfriend she wanted to be alone on her birthday and rented a hotel room for the evening. Ava wanted to know if I wanted to get together for dinner. Apparently, being alone did not exclude me.

I told her to pick a place she would like to eat, and I could meet her at the hotel in an hour. I jumped in the shower, packed a travel bag, and headed out. The hotel was on the other side of town. Forty minutes away. While I drove, Ava was updating me via text on her search for a place to eat. Last-minute reservations were hard to find. 

"I'm beginning to think you don't have a boyfriend," I remarked as she entered the Gladiator. 

It seems her story concerning her boyfriend having covid was true. He was still sick. Ava showed no signs of the virus. Ava had not found a restaurant by the time I arrived, so we decided to go to Twin Peaks, right across the street, for an appetizer and to continue our search. 

Twin Peaks is a sports bar where the waitresses wear booty shorts and red plaid shirts tied at the waist to expose their midriff and breast. I didn't find any of them appealing, though. Good-looking help is hard to find in this town.

Ava looked pretty. She wore high-heeled ankle boots, cream-colored leggings, and a sparkly silver top with cutouts at the shoulder. 

"You look nice," I told her as we sat at the table. "How did you sneak that out of the house?" Her sister was in town, which helped her excuse to leave, but Ava texted me rather than meet up with her.

Ava told her boyfriend she wanted to be alone on her birthday for weeks. She turned thirty on Saturday. A landmark she was not looking forward to achieving. She feels she is behind in her goals. Ava didn't think it was odd to want to be alone. I laughed and said it was strange that she didn't want to be with him, but I didn't press my point.

We didn't stay at Twin Peaks long. Ava found a restaurant nearby that didn't require reservations. I think part of her was having fun sneaking about. The restaurant was an unremarkable place. We sat and talked while we waited for the food. Ava debated whether to get carrot cake for dessert or soft-serve ice cream from a Vietnamese mocha place after. The ice cream won.

"You don't trigger me like he does," Ava admitted during the drive. They argued the day before. It is still a common occurrence between the two. I think half stem from the fact she doesn't want to be there. Her boyfriend hasn't spent any time figuring Ava out. Ava cannot sit still. He probably thinks he can change her. It hasn't worked so far.

Ava said he made her pancakes for breakfast and offered to pay for her hotel room after the argument, but she wouldn't allow it. Can you imagine?

"He is happy just having me around," Ava tells me.

I can understand that, but I do not understand the cluelessness and desperation. I don't think he gets much for his investment. Ava will never remain with him. I think she tries fooling herself sometimes. If she does stay, it wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.

The Mocha shop caters to a younger crowd. When we got there, a group of young adults played a board game at one of the tables. Ava and I ordered our dessert, and Ava picked up a wooden Connect Four game from a shelf and brought it to a table. Ava beat me four games in a row while we ate our ice cream. 

She takes her Connect Four seriously. "To my defense, the last time I played this game was probably with a four-year-old."

We headed back to the hotel. I joked about us sneaking in through the side entrance. "I'll walk two steps behind you and pretend I don't know you."

I'm a minimalist when staying in hotels, but Ava had arranged her room with her things. There was no big suitcase, though, and no indication that Ava had been away more than the night.

I sat on one of the beds. Ava came out of the bathroom wearing only the silver top and sat in front of me. My hands massaged her back, bare butt, and legs while we watched an episode of Pretty Little Things on Netflix. After Ava put on some music, I undressed, and we moved to the other bed.

We had sex in various positions before winding down beneath the covers. I sensed Ava wanted to spend some time alone. Besides, my staying the night would not be safe. Her boyfriend would probably be there bright and early with coffee. Ava asked if I wanted to take a shower. I deferred and said I would shower later at home.

I dressed, and we removed all evidence of my presence. Ava stood naked inside the doorway and kissed me before I departed. It was after midnight. The night was cold, and the streets were empty.

Pre-Weekend Updates

 I've noticed an increase in traffic to this blog. I am not sure why. Over the two days of October 28th and 29th, I had 1300 views. I only have about 500 posts. Even if someone read the whole blog, that would not explain it.

My one-day trip to Grand Rapids, the land of cornfields, Dollar stores, and cemeteries, was uneventful. It just makes for a long day. It is more than a two-and-a-half-hour drive in each direction. I did take the opportunity to stop at a mall with a Lego store on the way back. I spent $40 on things I didn't need but wanted.

I will try to take some pictures of the new display I am working on. It is coming along. I am expecting some pieces for that in the mail today. I will be working on it this weekend. I like just putting everything together and looking at it from every angle. Parts involve old ideas, but I have decided on a theme for this one, which will include three dragons. I don't think it will be as large as my last display, but next September is a long way off.

Canceled

Work is picking up. It seems like these last six weeks will be busy. Ava and I were going to get together Thursday, but she called today saying her boyfriend has Covid and she has to cancel all her plans. She has no excuse to leave the house because she cannot say she is visiting her mom. A week suck at home with him will probably drive her nuts.

Then again, it is her birthday this weekend, and his company has Thursday off, so he may have decided to take her somewhere. This is why once my arm is healed, it will be time to find someone new. It doesn't set me back if she cancels. It's Ava who feels the financial loss and will want to make up for it somewhere down the road. Regardless, I must drive to Grand Rapids on Thursday for work, and it would have been a long day.

I have been okay lately, just spending time alone. It doesn't make for exciting blog posts, but that's okay. I can stir up trouble if I really need to. I just don't feel the need. Ava and I have a sleepover planned for the Friday after Thanksgiving. She wants to go to a strip club for her birthday. I'm game for that, but I wish they were as fun as they used to be. We'd both have a better time.

Hands Down

 Friday, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a local pub and caught up. The discussion turned to music. Jay's wife said, "I like love songs. He doesn't."

Jay piped up and insisted he likes love songs and tried to prove it by pulling up the lyrics to a country song about a guy who loved his ex until the day he died.

"Sounds like a cautionary tale, not a love song," I noted. "I think Dashboard Confessional writes a good love song."

It was the same thing I'd said here before. Neither of them had heard of Dashboard Confessional. I wasn't surprised Jay's favorite band is U2. 

At dinner, I'd go into why I think so.

Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me
This night is wild
So calm and dull
These hearts they race
From self control
Your legs are smooth
As they graze mine
We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer..Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional

His songs remind me of times with Billie. This isn't a sad post reflecting on the past with rose-colored glasses, though. It is just the truth. 

I watch you spin around in your highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel

You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart... Stolen, Dashboard Confessional

I still listen to these songs. I like them. I like love songs. Stolen reminds me of the time Billie and I went to a local festival. Billie wore this long lyrca sundress that hugged every curve. 

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets

But you're not alone, and you're not discreet

Make sure I know who's taking you home

I'm reading your note over again

There's not a word that I comprehend

Except when you signed it

"I will love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs

And sit alone and wonder

How you're making out

And as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone

Making out

And so I am.

I'm missing your laugh

How did it break?

And when did your eyes begin to look fake?

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending...Screaming Infidelities, Dashboard Confessional

Hands down, the best.

Appointments

 I went to the doctor Wednesday for my consultation. I have a tear in the tendon on the front side of my shoulder, which also caused the upper anchor of my bicep to shift and the bicep muscle to come out of its groove. I have scheduled surgery for December 20th. December 19th will be the last day I work this year. This means I only have six work weeks left this year, and the week of Thanksgiving is not a whole week.

It was my first time seeing the doctor at this location. It happened to be the exact location of my father's oncologist. I don't know why doctors need to have several locations across the suburbs instead of just one. This surgeon has three. All are within twenty minutes of my office. He cannot be in three places on the same day. I guess he could, but it seems awfully inconvenient.

I had Alexis cut my hair on Wednesday night, and we went to dinner after. I uttered one word for every hundred of hers. Alexis was definitely wired on something. She told me tales from the funeral of her ex-boyfriend's mother and how his new girlfriend is short, clingy, and ugly. Honestly, Alexis has a lot of narcissistic tendencies herself.

Alexis went on about the shady doctor she was seeing. This doctor has lost his license in the past. He over-prescribes medication. Alexis walked out with five prescriptions she didn't need, including Adderal. I think the Adderal had her mouth running a mile a minute. 

Rocks and Islands

On Halloween, Ava texted me. She wanted to get together for dinner. Ava also had to pick up what I could not fit into the truck to move it to the storage unit this afternoon. We don't get kids in the condo complex, and I have never passed out candy here, so I was free.

"Why aren't you passing out candy with your boyfriend?" I ask in the truck on the way to dinner.

"He's Jewish; he doesn't do that sort of thing."

I was unsure what being Jewish had to do with passing out candy, but after asking a few follow-up questions, the only clear thing was that she preferred being out with me to being home. 

Ava made it over early, so we had time for dinner. We don't usually get together on Monday, but Ava seemed full of pent-up energy. We ate dinner at California Pizza Kitchen at an outdoor mall. The restaurant and mall were empty. Everyone was home for Halloween. We had warm weather the past two days, so we walked the mall after dinner. 

When we got back to the condo, Ava sorted through her things, and we loaded her car. After, we headed upstairs for some fun in bed. Ava left around 11:30, stating she was heading back to her boyfriend's house. 

I met Ava the following afternoon at the storage unit to unload her stuff. "Isn't that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?" I asked.

Ava glossed over my comment with an unclear reply. The night before, she indicated she wanted to return to SA to find another outside arrangement. She considers it work and doesn't see how it harms her relationship. I can see a multitude of ways it does.

I have to break from the narrative to discuss my thoughts on this. I have no problem with Ava choosing to pursue arrangements. She makes more money doing that than her other pursuits. It says to me, though, that despite her boyfriend's good qualities, he is not enough. At best, he is a good fallback if, in five years when her options begin to narrow. 

She is opening herself up to better options by continuing to engage in outside relations. I think, at this point, she has lost her ability to pair bond with anyone. Call me old-fashioned, but statistics show the more partners a woman has, the less likely they are to be happy in a relationship. 

I am no different than Ava. I have reduced relationships to commodities. I am not sure if that is due to my experiences or society. Maybe that is one of the reasons we get along. It gives me much to think about. I have been thinking about a few things lately, like closing doors to all the past, to the things that no longer bring me joy.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island

Ava and I moved her belongings into the storage unit. The whole adventure took less than an hour. This morning she promised me no more heavy lifting this year. I replied, "don't make any promises. You will jinx yourself."

"It must be nice not to have any issues," Ava said to me during pillow talk. 

"Yes, it is." 

I used to think not being in a relationship was an issue. I don't see it that way anymore. There are advantages and pitfalls to both scenarios. I have everything I need to be happy, and I can fulfill my own needs.

And a rock feels no pain.

And an island never cries... I Am A Rock, I Am An Island, Simon and Garfunkel