December Begins

 It is going to be a long winter.  Firefly is still in the wind, I am not sure if we will be going anywhere.  I have been working from home and isolating.  I pace the rooms of my condo.  I stare at the multitude of Legos built models and in unopened boxes, but I have no motivation to build.  Do hobbies, like relationships, just fade away?

Sometimes it feels like Billie tainted everything around me.  It was not enough to paint the walls and replace the carpet.  She still haunts every corner of this home.  

I am just tired.  I am tired of struggling to capture something out of reach and unwilling to settle for something less.  I need a good motivational book because I have lost all drive and purpose.  

My friend Sam likes to say to me, "How many times do you want to get kicked in the teeth before you turn away?"   She was referring to me communication with Billie and the fact that it always sets me back.  For the record, I have not been in contact with Billie since April.  I ignored the text and emails she sent to in September.  I want to reach out to her though because I want to reach out to someone.

Sam's question could refer to all my relationships though.  Looking back while writing my memoir I see the patterns repeat.  It seems I do not learn from my experiences.