Gym Times Two

 Ava and I saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday, we went to her gym and dinner. She has a membership to Lifetime fitness that allows her to bring a plus one. It is a nice perk. She is not comfortable with her body, but I have no complaints when I see her stretched out naked on the bed. Ava wants to get in better shape for summer, but she isn't putting effort into it. I know the commitment it takes to make changes, and she is striving for the figure of a model. She says she has never been happy with her level of fitness. Ava even worked at the gym for a while. I think her goals are more a mental issue than a physical need.

We went to a sushi place after the gym. Sushi is my least favorite food, but I did find something I didn't hate. I want to be more open to new things, but Tuesday, I was still moody from the events at the Hub. I was not the best company. After dinner, I took her home. It is nice that she likes doing things together outside of our arrangement, but I still find her odd.

Here is a couple of examples. Wednesday, we went back to the gym. Because I am a guest, I try to tailor my workout to the time she wants to spend there. She goes in her own direction. I see her on the treadmill, and then she disappears. I don't see her using the machines. Something she will need to start doing for the figure she wants. 

We agreed to an hour. While I was still on my second round of the treadmill, I got a text from Ava.

Ava: Hey, just left. Are you almost ready too? Haven't started the drive north yet.

Bathwater: You left?

Ava Yep. We said an hour.

Bathwater: I can change now.

Ava: I rushed for you because I thought you would be waiting for me. I am meeting you at your place to shower and then figure out dinner.

Is it just me, or does that seem weird? We met at the gym. Why wouldn't she say she is changing and leave together?

When we got back to my place, we showered separately. She showered in the spare bedroom where the Lego table was set up. I have been putting a lot of work into my project, and I was excited to show it off. While she did mention it was coming along, Ava didn't show much interest in the details. Maybe you need to be a Lego enthusiast to appreciate the details of such a large display. I am proud of the display. I was hoping she would appreciate it more.

Later, while we ate. I apologized for being moody Tuesday. I wanted to explain, but she didn't ask, and I dropped the subject. Ava has a lot of her father in her. Something she would probably hate hearing, but I see it in the lack of connection she makes.

The bedroom never seems to be an issue. Ava is willing to try new things there, but it is more a sporting event than a passionate one, but good sex is good sex and not something to give up lightly. I am used to there being more intimacy involved in the act. I am not sure she is, though; I am not sure she is capable. So, I am left with accepting her for who she is and deciding if that is enough for me. I do know the bedroom lingers in my mind the next day, leaving me anticipating more.

Am I overthinking things? 

The Hub

 I have allowed my sleeping schedule and routine to lapse during the vacation. Yesterday, I went out for drinks with Jay, Alexis, and Sam.  It was the first time we were all together at once in ages.  Those three have been friends since middle school. I was the catalyst for getting us all together, but I tend to be out of place when they discuss childhood friends and memories. I keep to myself and let them do the talking.

We went to the Hub bar, sat in a secluded corner, talked, ate, and drank for four hours. Jay made a comment concerning a girl sitting at a table across the room at one point. "Why does that girl seem so familiar?" 

I noticed the girl earlier but was not paying much attention to anyone outside of our circle. "I know," he continued, "she looks exactly like Billie-- her  facial structure, the way she walks."

I looked at the girl closer. Jay was correct. She was a lot like Billie, excepted with darker hair. After his comment, I found my gaze drifting back to the girl throughout the rest of the evening. Alexis noticed me texting and asked if I would be hooking up with Ava later. 

"No."

She was drunk by then and looking to stir things up. "I'm sure glad I don't have to pay for sex." 

I let her comment slide. There is a litany of her issues I could point out, but nothing I would have said would have been pleasant or constructive. I'm am hesitant to even bring them up here. I am comfortable, if not completely happy, with where I am. At least until a better alternative presents itself. Perhaps I will vent in a different post. 

I came home and tried to sleep, but it was still early, and I was restless. I got up around midnight, made some soup, and worked on the Lego project until 5:00 in the morning.

Shelby asked in the comments if I found Ava boring. She is less boring than an old man who sits around building Legos for hours. I miss the excitement I felt when I was with Billie. We seek out people who trigger our issues, not those good for us. The is why I found Firefly intriguing. She pushed all the right buttons. Ava doesn't trigger any of my buried traumas.

A Sneak Peek

 I picked Ava up Tuesday afternoon in Royal Oak. She is still very mysterious in some ways, but I am starting to understand a few of her motivations in other ways. We went to the Somerset Mall after I picked her up.  Ava wanted to exchange a jacket she bought for a smaller size, and I wanted to check out the pick-a-brick wall at the Lego store.

Ava found the size jacket she wanted, and we browsed a few other stores while we were there. The mall was not packed despite it being only a few days before Christmas, but stores were getting more crowded as afternoon turned to evening.

The pick-a-brick wall had disappointing choices. I ended up filling a small container with mostly dark green pieces. 

Ava's style is activewear casual. When I suggested a bohemian top, she commented that it was more her sister's style. I am beginning to think I would like this sister, but I don't go there. I feel there is a love/hate relationship between them. At least some envy or jealousy on Ava's side.

We picked up some food on the way back to the condo and cuddled up in bed to watch TV and have sex. I woke her in the morning, and we had another round of enthusiastic sex. The sleepover was nice, but I still feel like something is missing. Boring is the word that keeps coming to mind, and I don't know why. Ava is pretty. The sex is great. Still, I feel unfulfilled, and I cannot explain it.

We swung by her mother's lawyer's office to pick up a check before we went to see Matrix Ressurection. I was not impressed with the new Matrix movie. The story was pointless.  If I wrote I, I would have downplayed the video game aspect. I would have made the whole plot with Trinity a red herring and had her turn out to be a program, and in the end, I would have killed Neo in Io, with him figuring out that Io is part of the matrix and that he is no longer the one.  This would leave it open-ended for a sequel with new characters.

Sorry I have not been blogging much, but family, friends, and Legos have taken up my time. Here is a sneak peek at what I am building.  I am calling it Wolfpack Tower 2022.

The Gardens

Everyone makes pristine castles. My castle is going to be in ruins.

It is built in square sections (baseplates). Five areas are complete, and I am working on a sixth.

You need to expand it to see the details

A Christmas Carol

 I have started my winter vacation. It is two weeks without dealing with work. You would think I should look forward to retirement and an end to work, but I  think the time off means more when you are still working.  Besides, working allows me the freedom to enjoy Ava and vacations.

Saturday, Tinkerbell, Tech, T-Rex, and I went to see A Christmas Carol at Meadowbrook Theatre. The play has become a tradition with Tinkerbell and T-Rex, and we have seen it together several times. We went to a matinee. Everyone wore masks, but some people were eating during the performance. I find that to be poor manors. I give some leeway to children, but the parents were also digging into the crackling bag of snacks. So rude!

After, we at dinner at a fancy Italian Restaurant called Lellies. The food was delicious. I presented Tink with a Christmas Carol Lego for Christmas. I figured it would be a lovely keepsake of the tradition.

Last night I received a late text from Ava, but I was sleeping. 

Ava: You are not awake, are you?

Bathwater: (The next day) Sorry, I was sleeping. Everything okay?

Ava: I could use your help if you are up for it.

Bathwater: What seems to be the problem, little lady ;).

Ava: A ride to the train station--like now.

It seems the rideshare she ordered for the morning disappeared.  Ava is going to Kalamazoo for the night, but she hates driving. I was downstairs on my bike when she texted.

Bathwater: No problem, but I might be a little ripe. I was working out.

It was nice to see her again, if only briefly. She tries to fit too much into her schedule. It is part of what makes her Ava. 

In the Gladiator, on the way to the train station, I said, "At least it is good to know I didn't miss a late-night booty call."

"I can do that?"

"Of course you can!"

"Good to know."

She is planning to spend the night this Tuesday. A sleepover and then we will see the new Matrix movie on Wednesday afternoon. 

Pesto Pizza

Thursday, Ava came to the condo. She was running an hour late. That seems to be part of her persona, always running somewhere, always behind, but she devotes her attention to who she is with when she gets here. We went to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients to make individual pesto pizzas. Her's was vegan; mine was not so much. We also made spiced pumpkin balls for dessert.

It was fun cooking with her. She is slowly becoming comfortable here. Although Sienna (my cat) has not warmed up to her yet, she comes out while Ava is around, which is a step in the right direction.

We sat on the couch and watched videos while we ate. After, we stretched out together and got comfortable. I was lying behind Ava, gently running my fingers along the soft skin of her stomach. When my hand roamed upward, I discovered she was not wearing a bra beneath her heavy turquoise top. This is not something I would expect of her.

"You're not wearing a bra," I noted, pleased by the fact.

"I thought you might appreciate that."

"Oh, I do," I said while cupping her right breast in my hand and rolling the nipple between my fingers.

"I would never go out in public without a bra," she states.

Apparently, the grocery store doesn't count, but I didn't mention it. "You should. You have perfect breasts."

Ava does. They are a nice handful but firm. They do not need a bra.

"Thank you."

Ava turns toward me, so I have more access, and we kiss. It doesn't take long for her to get excited from my caresses. Ava starts rubbing her body against mine as my hand drifts into her pants. Before we get carried away, we move to the bedroom.

Once again, the sex is excellent. We continue to learn each other's likes and are comfortable just being present with each other. Ava's favorite position is face down with her ass propped up. She uses the wand vibrator on her clitoris while I enter her from behind. It is a beautiful sight and hard to resist. I am getting aroused just thinking about it as I write this.

As things wind down, we talk. Ava describes me as a ninja. You can tell I am in shape in clothes, but I am in stealth mode. Apparently, my attributes come out in the bedroom. Hey, a trophy is a trophy.

I really like this girl. She is not just all take. I am not used to this; she is not full of herself. If anything, she doesn't give herself enough credit. But, there is always a catch. This is a mutually beneficial arrangement; even though she does not stress the fact, I haven't forgotten that. Still, each encounter seems to top the last, and I look forward to each new date while wondering where this will go, if anywhere.

Perception

Firefly is out of jail and presumably back in rehab.  She was ordered to spend twenty-one days at Turning Point in Pontiac. I have not heard from her since she called me from jail. She will be spending Christmas and New Year in rehab, which is probably a good thing. Sounds like she is burning bridges as quickly as she builds them.

Ava is coming over Thursday night. We are going to buy some groceries and make dinner at the condo. It should be fun. I have one more adventure planned with her next week. It sounds like she will be out of town between the holidays.

My immediate boss has been working hard to keep me happy. He pushed for a substantial raise for me back in October and an increased Christmas bonus. He is starting to realize I am worth keeping around. He says it is because I have stepped up since the two people left, but I have not been doing anything different. It is only his perception that has changed.

"Perception is reality. If you are perceived to be something, you might as well be it because that's the truth in people's minds." Unknown

Closing the Door

I am self-aware. Firefly would say that I didn't understand her addiction, but that is not true. I am an addict in recovery. It's just that my drug of choice is a person. 

(Excerpt) It's Not Right
Originally Posted: July 10, 2012

 I can't explain my addiction to Billie. I try to write it off as only an attraction to the outside package, but that would be a lie, although I know every curve, every line, and flaw on the outside. There is also something within that draws me to her.
 
"Ever been close to someone, but miles apart? I've been there several times. You hold them tight as if you can force them closer until they whimper, and you realize you're hurting them. There's nothing that will span that distance." 

*     *     *

I wrote that ten years ago. I say I am in recovery, but every email, every text, every Firefly is just me chasing that high. I am in recovery, but once an addict, always an addict. It keeps me from getting close to someone.

And it won't matter now.
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...All I Want, Toad the Wet Sprocket 

Before I mentioned Billie, the psychic suggested I've been reclusive for the past couple of years. I have been. She told me I could be happy with someone like Ava, but I would always be looking for that missing passion-- that addiction (my words, not hers). 

Being in love is my addiction. Each time it happens, it is worse than before. The thought scares me, and so I avoid it. Sam says she has a good feeling about Ava. The psychic thinks I deserve to be happy. It's like telling an alcoholic, one drink won't kill you. I've said to Firefly there are many things in this world to experience. The only way to do that is to give up what you long for.

I am closing the door. Without fanfare. Without spoken truths. I have a weakness, but it doesn't make me weak, because I see it for what it is and I am not giving in.

Psychic Weekend

 This could get long. There is a lot to record from the weekend. 

Friday

Ava: 7:15 is great. (Time to pick her up)

Bathwater: Lol, you need to remove the word punctual from your resume, but you can keep enthusiastic and eager to learn.

I picked Ava up Friday at 7:15 and headed to Naughty Time Novelty. The parking lot was packed with cars, but Ava was relieved only a few people were in the shop, and most were at the Chinese restaurant next door. Ava reviewed all the items. She was interested in the corsets, which was not a surprise, and was drawn to a purple tail attached to a silver butt plug that was surprising.

We didn't buy either the tail or a corset, but they are on the list for a future date. I did buy Ava a tiny pocket vibrator that could be easily mistaken for a Blistex lip blam and an imposing purple wand for us to experiment with later. The purple wand turned out to be cumbersome, and I am still waiting for a report on how the other performs.

We ordered dinner and took it back to the condo. Ava snuck a vegan chocolate-covered ice cream treat before her meal. She bought them the first night we had dinner and sneaks a few every time she is over, and I think they are an indulgence she cannot keep at home.

After dinner, we headed upstairs. Good sex seems to be another of Ava's indulgences, and we align there. Ava is undoubtedly good for my ego. She claims I am the best she has had; wearing a condom allows me to keep up with her stamina. 

"I feel like I just ran a marathon," I remark after, while we lay together with her resting her head on my chest.

"At least you won."

"I'm not sure it counts if I am the only participant."

"Hey, a trophy is a trophy," she insists, and we both break out in laughter.

Saturday

Sam and I left the next afternoon for our psychic appointment in Holly at noon. The winds were brutal and wrestled against them to keep the Gladiator in its lane the entire forty-minute drive.  There was an event going on in the small downtown, but we avoided it, parked outside of resale shop where the psychic saw customers in the upstairs and found a local bar to grab a quick meal before our readings.

The warm temperatures we expected disappeared in Holly, and we were woefully underdressed for the short walk from the bar to the resale shop. Sam took the first appointment. She seemed more eager than I. While she was with the psychic, I wandered the store. It was filled with handmade knickknacks and antiques. A few items I found interesting, but I didn't purchase anything.

The psychic is a pleasant woman in her early thirties. I felt my reading was more common sense than spiritual insight. Sam felt less skeptical about her own. The psychic did not hit me with anything shocking or unexplainable. She was definitely not as spooky as Donna, the previous psychic I have seen.

In summary, she said I needed to put Billie in the past, but who doesn't say that (I have more to say about that in a future post).  She said I had three choices when it came to Ava. I could allow things to remain the same. She calls this the safe and boring route. The psychic said Ava would be okay with that, and she is waiting to see what I will do. My second choice is to push Ava's boundaries and forge a stronger connection, but it will never be an all-consuming love like I had with Billie. My third choice is someone I have not met yet, named Kelley or Kylie.  She described this person and said it could be a more passionate love, but I would have to work for it (I will expound upon all this more in a follow-up).

Saturday Night

Saturday was a long day. After our trip to Holly, I dropped Sam off and returned home. I had thirty minutes to prepare for another forty-minute drive and my obligatory company Christmas party.  The party was an agonizing four hours of loud voices and awkward conversations.

I haven't enjoyed the Christmas party since Billie and I broke up. For some reason, it was more of an affair, more enjoyable with her by my side. I have never related well with my peers. I am an outsider by nature and do not make any effort to fit. Going to the psychic and then the party left me emotionally drained. 

Thoughts

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end, it's right
I hope you had the time of your life...Good Riddance, Green Day

 I feel like my post-divorce years were my best. Perhaps because they are the best recorded and most vividly remembered. I cannot imagine changing anything that occurred without affecting the outcome negatively.  This cannot be said about the time before the divorce. Professionally, I became the worker I am today in my early adult years, but I do not want anyone to define me by any accomplishments in my career. 

Over dinner, my friend Sam compared our friend Jay and me this way. "You work to live," she commented. "Jay lives to work."  This is a fair statement. When I am gone, I hope people remember how I made a difference in their lives, not what I did as a career.

The year is ending and I cannot wait for a long holiday break.  My last workday is the seventeenth. I have been counting down the days for over a week now.  I have been slowly expanding my Lego tower (pictures to come). It now has a bridge. I have decided how the water will follow and what I would like to do with the rest of the 2 x 2  area.  I just need the time to do it.

A Text Conversation

 Bathwater: I have to wait a week to see you. I'm sure my text will digress to dirty gifs by then.

Ava: Lol, my Friday just opened up. So if you are free, we can make plans.

Bathwater: I think the idea of my sending you dirty gifs has got your mind wanting to see me, so you cleared your schedule.

Ava: Hahaha. My schedule has been clearing itself. 

Bathwater: We can go to the adult store this Friday, seeing how you can't get your mind off it.

Ava: Haha, sounds great. Pick me up at 7? 

Ava: 6:30 is a possibility, and I can let you know closer to 6 that day when I have a better idea.

Bathwater: Hmmm, so mysterious...see you Friday.

Violet

I think it is time to describe this girl in more detail. Ava is twenty-nine, and we met on the website Seeking Arrangements. She is slim, with pale skin and delicate slender fingers. Ava's dark brown hair is one length and long. She likes to wear it down. I don't recall ever seeing her in a ponytail.  She wears dark-framed cat-eye-shaped glasses. She likes photos of herself smiling, but I am drawn to her face in repose.

She is a first-generation Croatian and is bilingual, but there is no hint of an accent you can place. She lives with her parents and spends a lot of time helping her mother, who has disabilities from a car crash. She doesn't like her father. He sounds very harsh and old school. She says she remains at home out of love for her mother.

Despite her age, I feel like Ava is inexperienced sexually and socially. She spends time with older men, but her friends sound like they are much younger than her. She is a hustler and has worked several different jobs, mostly freelance. Ava is into a sustainable lifestyle, healthy foods, and body, but she battles a sweet tooth for dark chocolate that she tries to keep under strict control.

Ava says she is open and honest, yet I still have a hard time getting a feel for her. Firefly and Gymnast were both transparent in comparison. Ava is more elusive. I think it is because she is not comfortable being herself. I get this from comments she makes occasionally. I think I am a good listener, and I draw people out. She has said the phase, I don't usually, to me more than once.

Last Week's Violet Update

 Last week went by quickly.  The hours in the office crawl, but the underlying stress of the holiday season makes me feel as if I have too much to accomplish.  Last Tuesday, Ava and I went to a Gong Immersion season performed by an ex-coworker who retired and now concentrates on spiritual and new age interests. It was fun and meditative.

Friday, I took Ava to downtown Rochester. To see the lights and walk the town. People were out enjoying the season. The night air was cool but not unbearable. We have yet to get any significant snowfall, and temperatures are still getting into the forties. Ava did not seem overly interested in the experience, but she did not complain.

When we got back to my condo, we headed upstairs, where it seems our mutual interests lay. I asked Ava if she would like to try a vibrator. I pulled out a black wand-style vibrator I bought for Gymnast and showed her how it worked. Ava took to it enthusiastically. At one point, I wondered if I would get it out of her hand. She came twice with the vibrator, once while I was inside her and the second time while I used it on her.

I am still getting mixed signals from Ava.  My friend Sam thinks I am overthinking things. Ava is nesting at the condo. Each time she comes over, she leaves something behind. I don't mind. I am not seeing anyone else, so no one is asking questions about the lip balm with the hair ties wrapped around it sitting on the headboard or the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. Still, I would say that our arrangement is closer to the one I had with Gymnast than the one I had with Firefly.

I would like to see her more, but maybe it is too soon. Some parts of her life are still mysterious, and others are confusing.  I have no complaints concerning the time we do spend together. The sex is fantastic. Ava goes on forever, and I get tired before she indicates any desire to stop.

Sam and I are seeing a new psychic this Saturday, and she is supposed to be really good. Perhaps this one will be able to shed some light on Ava.