February Ends

I filed my taxes this weekend. I owed $400 and spent another $100 preparing them. That is better than I expected, and I am glad to get that out of the way. Next year will be worse. I need to find a better side business. Being an author is not enough of a write-off.

Twin A, Twin B, and I went out to lunch Saturday. We ate at Vic's Dinner. It is a place Billie and I used to have breakfast with my dad when he was still alive. The twins enjoyed it. After, I spent some time helping them clean their condos. It looked like no one had helped Twin A clean his place in a while. His mom and step-father don't seem to have the time.

I know I am at the right weight. It seems to fluctuate with the amount of exercise I am doing. If I do more exercise, my weight increases, and if I do less, it decreases. If I was overweight, it would probably do the opposite.

Spring has not hit the area yet. We have another week of temperatures in the 30/40s, but it looks like we have seen the last of the snow. 

Tinkerbell and Tech are in Dallas for a convention dealing with Tech's IT business. Tinkerbell tags along, but it sounds like these trips are a bit boring for her, but it is a vacation.

Worrisome Stats?

 Bijoux commented:

I don't think I could handle dating in the 21st century.

I don't think dating has ever been easy, but I think it is getting harder based on the numbers I saw recently. 26% of people over eighteen did not have sex last year. 50% had sex once a month or less. These numbers are even higher for my age range. Only 62% of people ages 25 to 54 are either married or living together. This is a new low. These numbers are important to me. I grow up believing in marriage, although I think it is a losing bet these days. 

I am sure my values will change as I age, but so will my need for companionship. As of now, I value sex. It is something I cannot provide myself alone. It is not the only thing I value in life, but I value it in a relationship. I am just adapting to the current sexual marketplace where young girls think having an Onlyfans account and selling graphic images of themselves is a viable career choice. It won't be for long, computer-generated images will make that obsolete.

My blog has always been a place where I can release my thoughts. They are not always correct or socially acceptable. Over time some of my feelings and ideas change, but I like having a record of life as it unfolds.

Today was another snowy drive into work. The roads were covered and slick, but traffic moved along without incident on my drive. Driving to work is seen as a badge of honor by my companies owner. I see it as a meaningless risk that could cost me thousands if I get into an accident. 

A Second Comment

Secret Escape asked:

Have you ever thought that maybe you feel hollow because all you do is look for women to have sex with as opposed to trying to have a real "relationship"? You seem to go into these paid encounters looking for more, and then are disappointed. You're paying Ava for sex, not her innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want someone to share themselves with you, you're going to have to do more than plunk some money down. Choosing people on shallow points will give you shallow results.

I remember going on a date with The Hippie. Looking back, part of the problem was I was not ready to date. Not in that sense. I am not sure much has changed.

That is the crux of the problem. When I was younger, a relationship was the end goal. I thought a relationship would make me happy and solve all my problems. They never did, though, they just created new problems. I ask myself what do I want and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it. 

What does a relationship bring with it that I am missing-- companionship, sex, love, someone to grow old with?  Even those things can fade over time. When I was with Billie she provided those things and I was willing to sacrifice anything for her. I came home each day to her and never thought, this is not the woman I want to be with.

Billie wasn't perfect. Far from it. She had issues and our relationship came with many problems. My life is easier and has more direction without her. I know where I want to be five and ten years from now. Being in a relationship would not change those goals. 

I have a family, friends, a home I love, a car, a job, financial security. What can a relationship bring to me that I value that I don't already have? What I have, is what makes me a valuable partner to a woman looking for a relationship. Sure, there are women who do not need these things either, but they would not be willing to date someone without them. Not seriously.

What can a woman bring to a relationship that I value--looks, sex, a lack of baggage? Those are hard to find in a woman my age. Perhaps it is time for me to start dating again, but I will be doing it with a different mindset. 

A Comment

 I went to yoga last night. It is the second time I have been back to class in two years. The classes are small. Few people are risking stepping into the studio. I like the smaller class size, but I know it is not economically feasible for the studio.

Ava joined me. She liked the class and the teacher. I told her I planned to continue going, and she was welcome to join me whenever she was available. At least till summer, when I plan on getting my exercise outdoors. I have to start wearing my glasses during yoga class. There was a cute woman next to me, but it is hard to engage with someone in a dimly lit room when you cannot see.

Jules wrote in my comments:

No matter what you think, this Ava chick is getting under your skin. The only thing you can change is your reaction to her and things she does. In order to do that successfully, you need to figure out your triggers.

I do know what is triggering when I sit back and look at things in the context of Jule's statement.  It is the shallow sexual relationship we have. Ava doesn't offer more. I am not looking for her to fall in love with me, but the intangibles that are missing are triggering because there is nothing to hold onto. I don't feel trusted, respected, or needed. I think Ava is being deliberately deceitful. It makes it hard to form any type of connection with her. When I ask myself, is she a bad person? The answer is, I don't know. Unless she treats me uniquely for others, I would find it hard to believe others have not picked up on this too.

I felt more connected to Firefly who has countless flaws than I do Ava. No, it is not because Firefly and Billie have the same issues. Ava confesses to having problems, but she never shares them. I am sure I question too much. I can't help that. This issue with Ava has two dimensions, but if she were gone, I don't think I would find myself missing her. I would find myself missing the convenience of having her around.

Praying for love and a lap dance
And paying in naivety..But It's Better If You Do, Panic At The Disco

Dwelling In the Past

The weekend left me moody and dwelling in the past. It is not where I want to be, but often the present is not where I want to be either. It is one thing to understand my motivations, but it is another to want to change. I am not changing. I am not sure how to reverse years of self-programming or what change is supposed to look like. What I do know is there hasn't been enough.

Sometimes, it is tough realizing I am the problem without being too hard on myself. I feel like I should take the month of March to identify which parts I need to change and which to keep.

Ava spent the night Friday, but the encounter felt hollow. It left me feeling empty. I would say I couldn't point to one thing that made me feel this way, but that wouldn't be true. In fact, there were several things. I told her she was spreading herself too thin, a point she agreed with, but I do not feel the need to guess at her motivations. 

Ava holds back details concerning herself. Other things she shares seem more like "shit tests," comments to elicit a response. Last week, we made plans to go to yoga Tuesday. I told her she would need to register on the yoga studio's website to sign us up for the class. Saturday, she did so using an alias. Something I felt was unnecessary yet telling. 

There is a mystery there, but I am losing interest in it. My time feels better spent elsewhere. If we make it to our road trip, perhaps I'll learn more. I feel like it would be time better spent taking Max on the road trip this morning.

Sunday, Max came over, and we changed the coil pack and spark plugs on his car. I asked him to look into a new computer for me. He has been playing a new version of Age of Empires, and I would like to play it too.

Saturday afternoon, I took Twin A to lunch. We went to the same restaurant that Billie, my dad, and I often frequented on Sunday mornings when Billie and I were still together, and my dad was alive. 

That brings us back to the past. I miss being with Billie even though I don't want her back. I don't dream about possible futures with her. She is the past, and I have accepted that. I am at a loss to describe what I am missing. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still think about her every day. It isn't healthy, It holds me back. I think it always will.

Weekend Forecast

We did get some snow. I haven't stepped outside to measure, but I did decide it was enough to work from home. My drive home was forty minutes longer than the usual thirty. I passed Firefly on the road, white-knuckling it in the slow lane of the boulevard. She didn't notice it was me. I was hurt she didn't recognize the Orange Crush decals on the truck's tail, but she was too intent on the road. 

I sent her a text when I got home.

Bathwater: What are you doing driving in this weather, Firefly? Haven't you learned your lesson?

Firefly: Lmaoooo, how do you know I'm driving.

Bathwater: I passed you on 16 Mile road. I even honked.

Firefly: I was working. I thought that was you. I saw your car and was like, hmmm, I know that car.

It reminds me of the days Tinkerbell drove a lime green Ford Focus. I would see her on the road all the time. Even on days, I didn't want to see her.

The roads should be passable by this evening when I pick up Ava. It takes more than 4 to 8 inches to slow this city down. We are expecting gale forces winds tonight. I like listening to the winds blowing outside at night.

This has been a long week and plans on being a busy weekend. Ava is spending the night tonight. I am replacing the coil pack on Max's car with him Sunday, and after, I am meeting a new girl for a drink. Something tells me this girl is more like Firefly than Ava, but we will see.

February

 Usually, I find I weigh less in February. It is a depressing month without enough sunlight. By spring, I am counting calories again. Lately though, I cannot seem to stop losing weight. I've been focused on eating more the past few days, but I am still dropping. If it continues, I might get concerned. I just don't feel like eating.

Ava is spending the night tomorrow. I have decided not to mention her trip or drop snarky comments eluding my thoughts. Either would put her on the defensive. It is harder to deceive me in person actions over words. For now, I have filed the incident away under things to remember.

It has been a long week. It is raining this afternoon, but it will snow this evening. The storm warning says we could get 4 to 8 inches. We never seem to, though. 

Sometimes

Sometimes
I feel the fear of
Uncertainty stinging clear
And I, can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer

 I went on a date once long ago with a girl who thought of the characters on TV shows as her friends. Imagine the depths of her loneliness. I am not sure what made me remember that conversation. I am watching The Americans. I wouldn't want anyone on that show for a friend. Usually, I use TV as an escape. The characters on The Americans are too real, and none of them are pleasant. I prefer heroes and damsels in distress, despite the fact it doesn't reflect the real world.

I listen to various YouTube channels. Some talk about improving yourself. Others talk about dating, the differences between man and woman, and the state of dating. Some of it is valuable information. Some of it is going too far down a particular ideology. I don't believe any one person knows all the answers. Often it feels like information overload, and I need to step back.

 In all the talk, I feel like being yourself is missing, or at best, being yourself can be a lonely path. Physically I like who I am. I am healthy but not overly muscular. I like my hobbies and interests. It doesn't mean there are not things I am working on changing or things I would still want to explore.

I think we rarely find people who accept us for who we are. It is rarer you find people who stick with us forever.

I am reluctant to express these thoughts and feelings to those around me. I am not sure if that is due to self-doubt, or because I have yet to read, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there, I'll be there..Drive, Incubus

Truth and Lies

 Ava and I had plans to get together Sunday. She was out visiting a friend in Washington DC. I would pick her up from the airport Sunday night, and Ava would spend the night. Saturday, she texted me saying she needed to push getting together back to Thursday or Friday. She said her mother needed her urgently upon her return.

I made a joke, asking if she was ditching me for some Superbowl party. I double-checked with her on Sunday. Sometimes our communication is cloudy, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't supposed to pick her up and take her home. It didn't ring true when she said her mother was picking her up. "Someone else is picking you up from the airport? Now, I know you are ditching me for something else."

"She likes picking me up from the airport if she is feeling up for it. Stop messing with me. I am trying to enjoy my last minutes in DC. I would never ditch you, btw. Please know that."

We made plans for Friday and for yoga on Tuesday of next week, but I don't think she is telling the truth. I think she was offered the chance to extend her DC trip. She is usually pretty active on Snapchat, and she has been silent since Saturday. Just another thing that adds to my suspicions.

Perhaps she doesn't think so, but I would have been fine if she extended her trip. Disappointed, yes, but I would not be overthinking it. Now I am. One lie can do that. It leaves me questioning everything else she says.

I trust my instincts. They are seldom wrong. I have been with too many liars, and my radar is sensitive. Because of my past, a lie is more triggering than the truth. 

Sam thinks I should confront her. That can be a slippery slope when all I have to go by is my instincts. People caught in a lie often double-down. I would like a level of trust between Ava and me. I don't think that is too. It is something that I feel we have been building. I understand we don't have any written contracts. We are not committed, but spring is coming, and we have an implied level of commitment. If Ava's situation is changing, I can find someone else, but it leaves me in a position I didn't want.

Maybe things will be more evident when we get together Friday, but I don't think so. Ava has never been easy to figure out. My detractors will be quick to say she is playing me. That is usually easier for me to figure out, especially when unfettered by emotional ties. The truth is, you never really know anyone, and people seldom really know themselves.

Who will save your souls?
After all those lies that you told, boy
Now, who will save your souls?
If you won't save your own?... Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel

Card Carrying

 Friday, I raced home for the meeting. I avoided stopping at the bank and the grocery store, so I would have time to prepare, and the customer did not even show up for the meeting. WTF. Still, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting anyway.

One of my coworkers asked what I was doing for Ava for Valentine's Day. It has been on the back of my mind. Ava has taken on a significance in my life. The number of posts mentioning her keeps rising in the tracker on the right side of the blog.

I don't know what would be appropriate given the situation. I don't think a store-bought card would send the right message. When I was young, and the ex-wife and I were dating, I hand made her a card every week. Some of those were quite creative. I made Billie a few cards while we were together. My talent has atrophied, but I decided to create one for Ava. It is thoughtful without gushing with love.

At this point, the concept of love seems contrived. I have been in love, and it has never worked out well for me. Best to avoid it.

At this point, Ava is still a mystery. Her actions and words do not align. The phrase I keep reminding myself is, "never need someone more than they need you."  That should be my next tattoo-- added in Latin to the other phrases that make up the sleeve on my left arm. They are a road map of quotes I should remember but seldom do.

Here are a few translated back into English.

Don't waste your time saying that's not fair.
What nourishes me destroys me. (this being love)
I suffer, but I shall overcome
Remember to live
Actions, not words (keep this in mind when dealing with people)

I have been talking to a couple of other girls recently. For a while, I planned on forgetting about other women and just concentrating on Ava. Now, I am not too sure. There is no reason to put all my eggs in one basket. Spring is coming, and I want to have someone I count on being around.

End of Week Wrap

 Yesterday, I received my free covid 19 test kits from the government. Four kits that will probably never get used. It is a year too late if you ask me. Thank you, US government. Guess I will save them for the next variant.

I have been trying to write a fictional novel. It hasn't been going too well. I've started several, but I don't see the whole story in my head. I am not sure what I am going to do. Writing a fictional novel is on my bucket list. 

I am anxious for the weekend and anxious for spring. The weekend will have to wait. Some idiot in Mexico scheduled a meeting from 4:00 pm to 6:30 pm on a Friday night! Spring, unfortunately, is out of my control too. The temperatures are increasing, but it is too early to get our hopes up here. This is Michigan.

I don't have anything to report. Nothing new is going on. Max is coming over tomorrow. We are working on his car. Ava is spending the night on Sunday. So perhaps I will have fodder as the weekend unfolds.

Its A Girl, Its Always About A Girl

Firefly is having a girl. I told her it is karma getting back at her for being such a difficult child. I know there is a lot of concern for the baby and her. I share those concerns, but I hope for the best. I think she is making the wrong decision, and I expressed that once to her. Now, I am being optimistic and encouraging to her. She needs some of that.

Whenever I see the boyfriend/father, who is about five years older than her, he seems like a deer in headlights. I have more doubts about him sticking around than I do Firefly. I hope she is mentally prepared to raise the child alone if it comes to that. Those thoughts, I keep to myself.

*     *     *

I think I am beginning to understand Ava a bit more. Ava is still a tough onion to peel. I have to listen closely. When her guard is down, the off-hand comment reveals more than answers to questions.

She is searching for direction and making up for what she feels is lost time. Sunday after watching an episode of The Magicians and having sex in bed I said, "I don't know if I am slowly 50 shades of greying you, or if you have more experience than you let on."

"You probably have not been with a girl who held on to her virginity as long (as I)," was her reply. I am looking forward to our upcoming trip. I wish it were sooner. It is still seven weeks away. 

Sam thinks it will mark a change in our relationship and I do see the possibility of stretching the boundaries. Ava admits, unasked, that our relationship is a priority to her. That may sound self-obvious, but it hasn't been the approach of Firefly or the Gymnast. I'd say Ava's age and upbringing are the difference. It certainly is not out of need or greed. Ava is the most self-sufficient of the bunch. Time will tell.

Time

The comments I am making on other blogs seem to be a testament to my mood. Self-diagnosing, I'd say seasonal affective disorder has set in. I have not been getting enough sunlight. I decided to up my vitamin D intake, but I don't think it is the same as basking in natural daylight.

I feel locked in stoicism. Silent. Not talking about what is bothering me, unable to clarify my thoughts.

Saturday, Firefly stopped by to pick up a few things she left behind, and it was good to see her. She brought her new boyfriend with her. He is a short, nondescript guy. You wouldn't look twice at him if you saw him on the streets. I see years of struggling ahead for her.

Firefly is currently working two jobs, but she says she is not making much money and wanted her GrubHub bag to start doing that also on the side. Her car is fixed. Her dad paid more money repairing it than it is worth, and it is now a mismatched silver and black. Driving for Gubhub will not extend its life. 

"I wouldn't let her drive," I warned the boyfriend.

Saturday night, I got dinner with Sam at the Enginehouse in Mt. Clemens. She asked me if I remember the Motley Crew/ Aerosmith concert we saw many years ago. It was on a cold October night in sleeting rain. 

"Yes, I remember," I tell her. "It is a post in my book." I pulled out my phone and flipped to the entry. It is hard to believe that it was sixteen years ago. My post-divorce life is well documented in blog posts. The memories still seem fresh. It distorts my perception of time. My earliest posts date back to May of 2005, seventeen years ago. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. Yet, so much has changed.

I've been playing a mind game lately, imagining what the world will be like in one hundred years from now. From my viewpoint, it is a dystopian outlook, but it would probably seem like a normal progression to someone born in 2005. 

Did you read 1984 when you were going to school? We live in that world. Firefly tried getting me to watch Euphoria on HBO when she was here. I found the reality it portrays disturbing and alien, and I consider myself tuned into the younger generations because I have spent much of the last twenty years involved with them.

Now, I find myself admitting some things I just don't understand. The same way youth cannot understand the way we were raised. It is disheartening. What we learned doesn't work today. It's called old-world thinking. 

I have been watching mindless vampire series lately. Seldon do they portray the reality of living forever. You would have to reinvent yourself every twenty years to keep up with change. I find myself struggling just to keep up with it.

Quixotic

 In the end, Don Quixote denounced his fantasies, saying, "I was mad, and now I am sane." 

I pulled this quote from a post I wrote on December 12, 2005. I was reminded of it when I read Peppy's post. Back then, I still wanted to believe in metaphoric giants and damsels in distress, but even then, I knew they were illusions. 

My age is showing. The conversations I've had with young people lately show me the generation gap between us. Something I seldom encountered before. I feel like I will be cut off by the phrase, "Okay, boomer," at any moment.

I have been pulling back from engaging in conversations. People do not want to debate. If they agree with your viewpoint, they will talk with you, but they want to shut you down if they disagree. People don't think for themselves. They don't question their beliefs and actions. 

More and more, I just want to be left alone. It is probably not a good thing. I would like to find like-minded people. It seems difficult, not because I am opinionated, but because I am not. I am open to debate. 

In my area, we did not get the snow predicted. Maybe, there are six inches on the ground, but that is not a challenge for the Gladiator. This morning, the roads were 80% cleared. I live in a small pocket in South-Eastern Michigan that just gets passed over.

Waiting For The Snow

 I woke this morning expecting to see snow, but it hasn't started yet. There are no workers outside today building new condos and it is silent here.  It is very peaceful and I am enjoying it. I might go out for a joy ride in the evening to test out the Gladiator in deep snow if we get it.

Last night, I went to Walmart to stock up on snacks. Some of the shelves were bare. I substituted ground turkey for ground beef. I have a hankering to make meat balls. I could not find any distilled water for my humidifier and might have to go to another store. Luckily, I have no shortage of stores in the area.

The groundhog won't be seeing his shadow today. Early spring for us, let's hope. 

Fake It

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah...Fake It, Seether

I am feeling disillusioned by the world today. It seems like too many people spend too much time polishing their image on social media. One person said social media is us producing our brand. Hard work doesn't seem to be in the picture. In one respect, I understand this. What I was raised to consider hard work is not enough to get ahead anymore, but I do think in any endeavor, hard work is still involved.

Ava has many get-rich schemes in her head. She is always looking for mentors, but I don't see the hard work required. Maybe I am wrong. Much of her life, she keeps to herself. I think she is behind for her age, but I haven't gotten to the bottom of how she got where she is today. She doesn't elaborate, but I don't think it is because she spent her twenties partying.

Many people get lost when they don't have to think past just surviving. Today it is easy to survive, and we fill our time with escapist activities that do nothing for our health or wellbeing. I get bombarded with ideas concerning how to live and what is right. I believe in generalities but don't think anything is entirely correct. The one constant takeaway is that life isn't easy. Some days I feel like giving up because often, I don't know what I am struggling to achieve.