Monday Morning

Ava: If you are not better by early next week, I'll bring you a wellness basket.

Bathwater: Something tells me cupcakes and ice cream would not be a part of that basket.

Ava: Lol, you would be correct.

I won't be needing green juice smoothies. I stayed inside and watched Vampire Diaries this weekend. The worst of my cold or virus occurred Saturday. I felt a bit feverish and lost some sense of taste and smell. This morning, I am well on my way to recovery with just a bit of itching in my nose.

My work has initiated a work from home policy for January. I will be working from home Monday, Tuesday, and every other Wednesday until February 2nd. They were a week too late in starting this, but better late than never. I do not care for the drive.

Weather wise, we received some of that freezing rain... I think, and it will be in the single digits today. I have no plans on going outside as long as my supply of muffins and ice cream last. I am back to exercising this afternoon at home. I will have to figure out our policy for coming back to the office. I might have to get tested just to come back.

Omicrom

 Thursday after work, Ava and I went to the Detroit Zoo. It was cold out, but we dressed well, and it was bearable. The animals were all inside; it was only about the lights. The exhibit was empty. Which is the way I prefer things. There were no crowds to push through.

I started to develop a sore throat Thursday. At first, I thought it was because some hot tea went down the wrong pipe, but I could not deny that I got sicker as the day progressed. I have had three shots. The symptoms are not bad, other than a hoarse voice. I don't have a fever, runny nose, or cough. I would probably be at work today any different cold season, but I stayed home because this is most likely the virus.

I am not going to get tested. I do not want to waste the day standing in line for them to tell me what I already know. It won't change anything. I think everyone will get this version of the virus eventually. Perhaps that will give us some herd immunity.

You Can't Fix Stupid

 In yet another case of I told you so, TheEx has covid. My son Max is getting tested today because he had a headache yesterday (he still lives with the ex-wife).  I have not heard from the twins who were at TheEx's house over the weekend, so I would not be surprised if they are sick too. 

You can't fix stupid. 

It seems though we are supposed to go into the office three days a week now, everyone is doing their own thing. That is fine with me. I went in on Monday. Today I have a zoom call. I prefer to do those at home where it is quiet.  I have another call tomorrow. I am not sure what I will do then.

Nothing to Report

It is hard to write off an entire year when you have a decreasingly few good years left and I feel like we will be writing off more than one year.

I've started this post a few times.  At first it was going to be a recap of my weekend.  Friday, Bunny and I went kayaking.  Saturday, I went biking with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We rode thirty-one miles over the course of the day.  Sunday, I did yoga in the park, than got a massage in the afternoon.  

Firefly came over Sunday night.  She is treading water, but refusing to surrender to the process. I offer what advice I can but if she doesn't make some changes she will end up in jail again.  She reminds me very much of Billy.  

I have become reclusive.  Mostly because of the virus but sometimes I wonder.  It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not have another long term relationship.  Much of my life has revolved around a relationship, finding one or searching for one.  It is what I learned growing up.  The goal to life.  You work hard.  You get married and you have kids.  It turns out, that was the worst mistake I made.  

I have no idea what direction to go next.  For twenty-five years I collected Legos thinking one day to build great things.  Lately they sit unused.  My current project is writing the memoir.  It seems more of a cautionary tale than anything. 

 

Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline

When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going

Wishing on a star

The black holes that surround you

Are heavier by far

I am not making progress.  I could blame it on what is going on in the world but I am not sure that is entirely the case.  I am banging my head against a wall.  I repeat bad habits expecting the outcome to be different and I get depressed when things turn out the same.

Billy is never far from my mind.  She is this construct that I gauge everyone I meet against.  I am not she would measure up to the person in my mind.  If I found this person, the one who soothed all my issues, this perfect match for the imperfection that is me, she would be exactly the wrong person for me.  I know this but I have a hard time accepting it.  

Billy used to say, when she wasn't using she didn't feel like herself.  I understand what she means.  When she is not using she IS herself and that person is a stranger to her.  I am a stranger to myself.  

We spend our lives constructing the world around us to make us comfortable instead of deconstructing what is that makes us need to protect ourselves.  I get the concept and yet I find it extremely hard to practice in this world.

So disappointed follows disappointed,  I keep looking for a quick fix instead of accepting the way things are, because I do not find joy in the way things are.   I would not find joy in the past but I cannot stop thinking about. 

I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway... Barely Breathing, Duncan Shiek

Getting Out

Saturday I picked up my older brother and we want to see his accountant.  It was finally time to do my dad's taxes for 2019.  The tax office had Plexiglas shields up around the reception desk.  Everyone was required to wear a mask.  It is the requirement in most places here.

 My older brother is two years older.  I regarded him as he signed us in at the desk.  He is 3 inches taller than me and about 60 pounds heavier.  He was dress in a shiny black synthetic polo shirt and matching black synthetic pants.  He wore worn brown shoes that didn't match the rest of his outfit.  I am not sure if he noticed.  In my eyes we make an odd pair.  I am dressed in a blue graphic tee, plead cargo shorts and black slip-on shoes. 

The accountant kept us waiting an extra thirty minutes.   He looked to be about our age. I found him an odd man.  My brother used the term, "he looks like he is on cocaine".  That is how I would describe him also.  He had a fast and animated way of talking.  He would talk to himself as he entered numbers into his computer and standing up behind his desk for what appeared to be no reason expect nervous energy.  My brother said he has something wrong with him but it has never come up.  Regardless he seemed competent.


After I met up with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We took a ride down to Ferndale.  Tink wanted to by a bike and there was a man there who refurbished them and sold them from his lawn. She ended up buying a powder blue Rollfast bike similar to this one but in better shape.

Bathwater: You realize that bike is 50 years old.  It is probably now the oldest thing you own.

Tinkerbell:  Well it is definitely not the oldest thing I know because you hold that spot.  Now, leave my bike alone.  She is perfect.  I named her Sue after run around Sue.

A Day in April

Tink and her son are living with her boyfriend on the other side of town but she still comes back to her condo to do work on it several times a week.  She is not working and she gets bored easily.

Tinkerbell:  Hey I am heading to the condo in few.

Bathwater:  Today is not Wednesday.  (The day she said she would be back.)

Tinkerbell:  No but today is a shitty day outside so I am going to try hanging those shelves.

Bathwater:  You are so bored!  Let me know when you get there.

Tinkerbell: Okay, I will pick you up.  You can come to Lowes with me. (which I am sure was her intention all along.)

I packed my drill and tool belt and waited for Tink to arrive.  She pulled up in her black Kia Rio and I place my tools on the passenger floor and slid into the passenger seat.

Tink wore paint stained black sweats, the only out fit I have seen her in lately, with knee high rubber boots and her full length puffy winter coat.  Her wavy hair was held in a loose bun on the top of her head.  She was the personification of not caring about her appearance.

"Its a little warm for that jacket isn't? "  I remarked as we got out of the car. 

"It was cold this morning!" The overcast morning was muggy and cool but not winter jacket cold.

Lowes had a regular amount of foot traffic.  I noticed mask wearing is not taken seriously by everyone.  We picked up what we needed and head for her condo.  I installed a light fixture and several shelves. 

It was nice to be around someone and talking for a while.  Much like the blog, I don't have to sensor my life around Tink.  Her condo is looking good.  Once the restrictions are lifted she will be able to rent it.

Updates

The Gymnast and the Gypsy have decide to go on a road trip to Arizona.  A rather foolish 29 hour drive to be taking right now if you ask me.  No one did.  So I didn't offer an opinion.  They have to be back by the end of the month for the Gypsy's court date.

Tinkerbell called and asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's with her. I jumped at the chance to get out of the house. I earlier I could not remember the last time I went anywhere.  Looking back it would be the day I looked at the truck. That would be a week ago!  No wonder I am getting a bit depressed.

I like hanging out with Tink.  It reminds me of the days we used to hang out all the time.  These trips are shorter, but she is still one of the few people I can talk to for hours and not get bored.  Lowe's was not crowded.  There were no lines at the door waiting to get inside.  Everyone wore a mask.  It is a strange new world we will be opening up too come June. 

The Weather here is starting to get warmer...again.  I hope we get some 70 degree days soon. I would like to go ride some trails on my bike.

I took my friend Sam's bike to the shop today also.  She has not ridden in three years.  It needed a tun-up.  I did a curbside drop off.  The owner of the small bike shop said he could not get his employees to come back.  They were making too much on unemployment.  I think this is true for a lot of people out there.  There should be a better way to get the economy rolling than paying people more money to sit home than to work.  If I made more staying at home than working you can be damn sure I wouldn't be in a hurry to go back.  Of course this also says something about the state of wages in this country but now I am digressing.

Aquamarine

I am sitting in the spare bedroom at the Lego table building what, I am told, looks like an abandon factory.  The table is 4 ft by 7 ft.  I made it myself, from laminated white press board and an old bed frame.  Several models are scattered over it and plastic bins filled with Lego parts are tucked beneath. About 10:30 p.m. Sienna, my cat quickly moves from siting next to me to hiding in the corner under the table. Her sudden change is a clear indication that someone is here.

The Gymnast walk through the door quietly a few moments later.  "I stopped to use your hand sanitizer," she tells me.  She takes off her jacket, places her bright blue back pack on the floor and sits on the bed.  She is wearing light grey camo patterned sweat pants and a grey polo shirt that has been converted into a crop top.  The bottom third of her blond hair is dyed an aquamarine.

"It has been a weird few days she," she says.  "First Gypsy gets arrested and then my ex boyfriend's cousin OD's on heroin."  She tells me about Gypsy's arrest.  Typical young people foolishness involving sex and drugs.  Parked in a car when they should be quarantined at home. Gypsy and her are close but they are not lovers.  Looking back I can remember having friendships like that when I was her age.

I get up to get her a water.  When I return she is in my chair intently adding pieces to my creation.  "Your factory is growing carrots.  Do you have any more of these?"  She asks holding up a green plastic vine piece. 

"If you find one of anything, you can usually be assured you'll find at least three more."  I dig several more out of a container on the table.

"Here I made you a little tower to guard the place from beasts."  She places her creation on the plate along side my own.

"I'll get you a beast," I reply and enthusiastically race to the hall to grab the dragon I made a few weeks ago and placing it into the display. 

"Okay don't start showing off!"

We head downstairs to play video games for a while.  We play a few games of Call of Duty Zombies and Borderland before heading upstairs.  "You have a towel we can put down?"  she asks me. "I am still bleeding."  

"Just grab a red one from the cabinet," I say to her while she is in the bathroom.  For me the night is not about the sex, it is about being close to someone. I spend as much time resting my chin on her belly and talking, as I do going down or her.  After we have sex, we watch about half of the movie "Super 8" before she rolls onto her side and begins to snore.

In the morning, after a few sips of coffee in bed she says, "For as cuddly as you profess to be you are really not so much at night."

"I try to give you your space.  I don't want you elbowing me in the middle of the night. If it was up to me, I would be like this." I spoon up behind her, wrap my arm around her and gentle cup her right breast. 

We are both naked from the waist up.  She rolls over, wraps her thigh over my torso and rests her head on my bare chest.  We linger this way and continue taking.  No topic is off limits.  She tells me about Europe and about the career she wants to pursue.  She is going away again for a few weeks.  The virus is not stopping her from enjoying life.  "I pay you too good,"  I chide her, but really I envy her.  I feel trapped in my own malaise. I would love to get away with her somewhere.  Just not now.  Not with the world the way it is, I am afraid to venture outside.

The Gymnast knows I am still hung up on Billy.  I don't try to hide it from her.  There is no reason, we are not lovers we are friends with benefits.  She understands the relationship I had with Billy, her own was like that. "Everyday there is the adrenaline of some new drama going on," she states, describing both relationships perfectly.  "Maybe you just need someone new to forget about the old one."

"I have someone," I say, tapping my index finger against her forehead.

She stays till noon.  Sliding between my legs and going down on me before we clean up and dress.  It is a safe arrangement.  She checks her drama at the door.  I am fond of her but I am not in love.  I don't want to be in love with anyone.  I don't think she does either.  I remember what being in love is like, the irrational behavior and emotional turmoil it brings. It is not safe to fall in love with a beautiful woman. Love comes with a price. A lesson I have failed to heed in the past.

Is the Gymnast good for me?  I do not know.  Probably not.  Girls never are but being alone can be just as bad.

Disinfecting Lego Style

I have the disinfecting team out in the tunnels removing any traces of the virus.  This is an original design where I am playing with different wall and pipes.  Believe it or not there are several hours in creating this.  I think you can click on an image to see a larger version.

Trips and Pirate Ships

Yesterday Tinkerbell and I went to Home Depot to return the bi-fold doors and pick-up the correct ones.  The benefit of living in a large sprawling metropolis like the Detroit area is there are 15 different Home Depot locations to choose from wen searching for one that has the merchandise in stock.  Tinkerbell takes full advantage of this.  Why wait for doors when you can drive a little further to pick them up today.  So we drove thirty minutes to another of those areas we should be avoiding to do the swap.

The virus seems to take the fun out of these excursions.  More than once Tinkerbell sarcastically mentioned how fun these trips are when I am in a good mood.  I don't want to be out on the town.  The virus is only half of the reason.  We stood in line for about 20 minutes.  The sun was out but it was still windy and cold.  I kept my comments to a minimum.  There is still no forecast of a sunny day with temperatures over 60 degrees in the near future.

I have been spending my free time building legos.  I build a giant pirate themed set that is both a ship and a ship wreck.  The modified row boat in my creation too.

Now I am building a imperial clipper ship to battle the pirates.

That happens to be a pirate themed roller coaster on the background.

I think my next project will be some dystopian scene.  something to go with the virus!

The Distance

My youngest turned twenty-one last week.  He text me last night.   He wants to move up to Marquette Michigan and continue his education at Northern Michigan University.  Marquette is seven hours north of here.  It is in the upper part of the upper peninsula where the get an average of 200 inches of snow a year.  Where it is not unusual to get snow in May.

He has applied to start this fall.  I don't think that is a good idea.  I told him he should wait a year and continue his education as far as he can at the local community college first.  Moving that far, with his girlfriend takes money.  He doesn't have any saved.  It is going to take a more reliable four wheel drive vehicle than his twenty year old truck.

I will miss him.  Billy left last August.  My dad died in January. Tinkerbell moved to the other side of town.  Now, Max is thinking about moving away.  It leaves a hole that cannot be filled.  You don't replace a father, a lover, a best friend or a son.  It is a distancing that never goes away.

The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
And long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turnsAnd thinking of someone for whom he still burns.. The Distance, Cake

Dog Days

Leave all your love and your longing behind
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..Dog Days Are Over, Florence + The Machine

I put on a pair of jeans again yesterday.  They seem foreign and constrictive.  I followed Tinkerbell and her boyfriend down to the Home Depot in Warren.  What an interesting sight.  Many people were still not wearing masks, including some of the employees.  I stayed in the Jeep as much as possible.  When we got the four bi-fold doors to her condo I took one into the master bedroom and immediately could tell it was the wrong size.  Tink did not measure both rooms and the master bedroom needs larger doors.

They discussed taking them back that day.  I suggested waiting till at least Monday.  The store has a 180 day return policy right now but Tink is short of money and patience.  She is hiring a handyman to complete the repairs on her condo.  Part of me felt slighted, I can do most of the work but mostly I am relieved I do not have to do it.

She has been spending money changing things that were fine and not on just finishing what was need.It is awkward being around people.  Everyone keeps their distance.  You eye everyone as being able to do you potential harm.

This weekend has been a bit harder than the others.  The weather is not better.  I don't feel like going out but the sadness is growing.  I am lonely.  I have not been able to get any of the usual girls to come over and I don't think it is a good time to find someone new.

There is only so much time I can waste building legos.  Honestly this sucks.

Staying Home?

I find it interesting to see how different friends are applying the stay at home order.  Many are having  difficulty staying home.  It is a reflection of how stable their home is and how comfortable they are being at home.  I am finding it easier as time goes on.  I am not sure I like that.  You don't meet new people when you are social distant.

Tinkerbell texted me at 10:00 p.m last night.  She is living with her boyfriend and is now concentrating on renovating her condo to rent.  She is mad because I suggested people renting would expect things that she does without, like closet doors and a dishwasher.

Tinkerbell: I cannot find any closet doors less that $100.  I am going to kill you for suggesting taking down the curtains and installing closet doors.

I am not sure why her decisions are somehow my fault.  If she did not want to spend a lot of money she should have looked at prices first.  I eventually found doors for $73 a piece.  She ordered these.

Tinkerbell: You just cost me $295 (Once again, how did I cost her that?)  We get to take a drive to Warren to get these doors.

The doors will not fit into her car.  She needs my Jeep or my son's truck.  I am sure we need to go to Warren because they were not available at the local Home Depot and she didn't want to wait.  I don't want to go to Warren.  The virus is more prevalent the close you are to Detroit.  I don't tell her this or ask how I cost her the money.  If anything picking up the doors and installing them will cost ME time and money.  She is one of those people who cannot sit still.  One who thinks she will not get sick so neither will I.

Neutral

I try not to get political here.  This is a spot for me to tell my story not to preach my ideas.  There are a lot of people in my state (Michigan) suffering. In fact all my friends have been either laid off or given some sort of pay cut.  I am very lucky.  I may come through this without lasting affects.

There are people on Facebook, so I hear I do not have an account, that are protesting our governor for shutting the state down so tight.  These people are obviously spending to much time on Facebook and not enough time noticing that Michigan has the third highest number of cases.This virus is killing the old and weak.  Unfortunately it is not picking on the selfish or stupid.

I tried fixing the inner tube on my exercise bike but it is still leaking slowly.  I can get an hour workout before it needs to be refilled.  I ordered a new inner tube from Amazon.  It should be here by the weekend.

I could get used to working from home if it wasn't for the isolation.  That has given me something to think about.  My next carrier change will need to be with a company with more flexible policies.

A Visitor

My youngest showed up announced yesterday.  Although I was glad to see him.  He should not be coming over.  His mother works are one of the busiest hospitals in downtown Detroit.  Still I did not kick him out.  Monday is his birthday.  He will be twenty-one.  He decided it would be a good idea to by some beer and celebrate.  So we did.

I was not feeling well yesterday, so I did not drink.   I am beginning to have pains like I did back in December.  I am beginning to wonder if it is holiday stress induced.  I do not even think of Easter as a holiday.  Billy finally texted back, the day after I tried calling her.

Billy: Hey.  How you been?  I'm alright.  Struggling with being unemployed right now with no insurance, but making the best of it.  You hanging in there?

Bathwater:  What the heck?  I was worried about you.  I you haven't replied in a week.  I am okay.  Trying to stay busy.

That is all she relayed.  I am not going to bother writing too much into it.  Like I said before.  She would be the worst person to be quarantined with right now.

Max didn't stay long.  There was an awkward moment at the door when he was leaving.  We didn't know whether to bump elbows or just wave goodbye.  I felt like a prisoner getting a visit.  This isolation is taking a toll on my mental health.

The boss did not cut our salaries during our weekly review, although he did mention several of the customers who did.  He is trying to apply for government loans.  If the money isn't coming out of his bottom line we will be okay.

I use an old bike on a stand to exercise on the basement the stand provides resistance but it seems the back tire has developed a leak near the valve stem.  I will have to fix it myself if I can get an inner tube for the wheel.  I will need to look for that today.  The bike is the only consistant exercise I have been able to maintain while at home.

Updates

Yesterday was in the mid-sixties.  It will not be that warm again in the near future.  I took that opportunity to get out and both ride my bike and walk.  I listened to top 100 alternatives songs from the 2000's.  It is the sound track of my blogs.  They say that music can be uplifting but I do not find it to be true. 

Most days I sit in silence.  The never ending voice inside my head is constantly talking.  They say with meditation we can learn to quiet the voice but it is my only company during these days of quarantine.

I am on Chapter 6 of my memoir.  It is the point when Billy and I first meet.  Ready through those old posts is very emotional. I still have not heard from Billy.  If it was any other friend  I would just call but I am not sure it is my place to call her.  I am going to wait until tomorrow. I am expecting to get a recording, or for it to go straight to voicemail. 

Back in February the physic used the term, "she hasn't learned her lesson yet".  Is that a nice way of saying she is going to jail?  Many of you think I give the physic's words to much validity.  Perhaps I do, but I can't fault anything she has said.

Last night a light rain can through the area.  In the middle of the night the wind picked up making the condo creak and grown under the force.  I was awake.  I don't sleep well unless I take Advil PM's to knock me out.  That is a habit I don't want to start.

Tomorrow the owner has scheduled a meeting for us.  Several of my co-workers feel it is to tell us he is cutting back salaries.  I hope not, but it makes sense.  I am not concerned.  Unlike many who are less fortunate now I can afford to live on half my salary.  Still it will mean cutting back on extra curricular activities.  Not that much of that is happening right now.

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside...Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Living in Fear

Bathwater:  I think the days I am supposed to be working are worse. There is little to do for 8 hours.

Rose: Yes, I know! Lol, well, I am not scared to see you if you're not.

Bathwater: Are you sure you are safe?

Rose: I haven't been around anyone, but no one knows for sure, I guess.

I declined to take Rose up on her offer. I am not afraid of getting the virus. I still think I might have had it. I am resigned to self-isolation. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. There are few people I would break my seclusion to see (the Gymnast being one).

I am in a malaise just short of depression, and it scares me. By the time this is over, being alone could become the new normal. This is not how I expected 2020 would be. I am sure none of us did. The death toll is supposed to peak this week in Michigan and then recede. By May, things should be close to normal. I am sure things will begin to rise again once we return to work, but I do not care. A life living in fear is no life worth living.   

Audience of One

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name
And you ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone? Audience of One, Rise Against

I have not heard from Billy in almost a week despite reaching out to her a few times.  That is not like her, especially with all that is going on.  I have been wondering, is she sick?  Is she in rehab?  Is she in jail?  It could be any combination of the above or none of them.  You never know with her.

While I was walking around my subdivision I was think how it would be nice if I was with someone during the quarantine.   My thoughts drifted to Billy but I quickly realized she would be the worst person to be with during self quarantine.  An addict does not adapt well during a crisis.  Anything can throw her life into chaos during a normal week.  Now she is not working.  What will she do when her money stops coming in, or if her dope stops coming in.

I cannot think of anyone I would wanted to be quarantined with. The ideal person does not exist in my life.  Maybe they never did.  I never took the time to think, this is the person I could spend a year in isolation with.  I was always too busy with my day to think about eventualities.  Do you?

Billy is the closest to being that person though.  I turned a blind eye to her addiction to be with her.  I am not sure what that says about me.  I fear it says I will not find that ideal person. In the end it didn't matter.  Billy left me for another and here I sit watching the world go to hell... an audience of one.

What I Have Been Looking At

When I am not surfing porn out of boredom I am looking at the virus numbers.  I am sure that most people are already tracking the virus on one site or another.  I find three sites very interesting. 

US Health Weather Map by Kinsa

This map tracks fevers reported by internet enabled thermometers.  When fevers start to climb in an area you can expect an explosion of hospital cases and deaths to occur about four weeks later.

COVID-19 

This site projects when the virus will be at its peak in any given area in the US.  It also shows whether there will be enough beds for the sick.

Johns Hopkins

This site shows total number of confirmed cases and deaths world wide. 

Stay safe.  Stay home.