Tuesday, May 26, 2020

I BeenThinking to Much

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)...I  Miss You, Blink 182

It is songs like this that still bring a lump in my throat.  This weekend I hung out with a few friends.  I rode my bike a few times and took the top and doors off the Jeep.  I am being socially selective of who I am hanging around.  I would say I was around 8 to 10 people this weekend.  That isn't really a lot over the course of three days but when you figure each of them has been near 8 to 10 people the contact tracing can become impossibly complicated very quickly.


Jules asked, what is my version of happiness. I think happiness is found in moments.  A bike ride with a friend.  An intimate hug.  A shared glance.  The more of these positive moments we string  together, the happier we feel.  When we are devoid of these moments.  We relive them from our past or we fantasize about future moments in an attempt to make us feel better.

I am here in the loft, in this climate controlled condo connected to 12 other units, in this neighborhood of 10 similar buildings.  As the circle expands to the adjacent subdivision it includes hundreds of people but like the particles of an atom there is an expanse between us.


Friday, May 22, 2020

Nine Years Ago

Today I am stuck in the past.  It was nine years ago today that Billy and I first met.  An unplanned coincidence brought me into the Penthouse Club in the afternoon.  She was a dancer that only worked day shift. It was the Friday before Memorial weekend.  She was so young and pretty.   In a perfect world we would never of met, never loved each other and never left permanent traces of ourselves on each other.  I am at a loss of words to describe those nine years, but they changed me.

I found this in my achieves.  I wrote it just before I ended my last blog.  It was about the time Billy and I started living together.

Don't Look for Normal (Partial)
Originally Posted- Thursday, January 30, 2014

Shit I don't know anymore.  What is normal? 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
I was thrown down the one less traveled,
Like an infant down a well
Frightened, and lost I struggled to find my return
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
The years pass, the leaves grow well trodden by my passing
I was thrown down the road less traveled, by
And that has made all the difference.

Inspired by Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken

I was a married father with three children, big house, three cars and a six figure job.  I wasn't happy and I didn't really know what people were all about.  Ten years have passed since my divorce,I make less money, both my best friend and my girlfriend are strippers... still think I am better off.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

21 Days to Work With

I went into the office today.  I turned in an expense report right before we started sheltering in place and it got lost.  The company owes me $405.00.  I had to go in and find my receipts so I could recreate the report.

There are a lot of cars on the road.  Makes me wonder where all these people are going if we are still under the shelter in place order.  The thirty minute drive was the longest I've taken in weeks.  Hard to believe I used to drive it everyday.  Already the memories fade.  What do the say, it takes a minimum of 21 days to start a new behavior.  Well we certainly surpassed that minimum.

I saw a few people in the office. No one was actually wearing a mask except me but no one was actually close to anyone else.  There are going to be different levels of adherence to the guidelines do pending on peoples opinions.

In the center of Michigan, damns are failing and there is wide spread flooding.  I am not a religious man, but isn't this how they describe the end of times?  Plague, famine, and floods?

In case you haven't noticed, I have not been very cheerful lately. No it is not because I haven't gotten laid lately.  The last 12 months have just been one thing after another.  Billy left in August, I had those pains throughout December, dad died at the end of January and now I have be sheltering since March.  Honestly, the next 12 months don't look much better.

A Day in April

Tink and her son are living with her boyfriend on the other side of town but she still comes back to her condo to do work on it several times a week.  She is not working and she gets bored easily.

Tinkerbell:  Hey I am heading to the condo in few.

Bathwater:  Today is not Wednesday.  (The day she said she would be back.)

Tinkerbell:  No but today is a shitty day outside so I am going to try hanging those shelves.

Bathwater:  You are so bored!  Let me know when you get there.

Tinkerbell: Okay, I will pick you up.  You can come to Lowes with me. (which I am sure was her intention all along.)

I packed my drill and tool belt and waited for Tink to arrive.  She pulled up in her black Kia Rio and I place my tools on the passenger floor and slid into the passenger seat.

Tink wore paint stained black sweats, the only out fit I have seen her in lately, with knee high rubber boots and her full length puffy winter coat.  Her wavy hair was held in a loose bun on the top of her head.  She was the personification of not caring about her appearance.

"Its a little warm for that jacket isn't? "  I remarked as we got out of the car. 

"It was cold this morning!" The overcast morning was muggy and cool but not winter jacket cold.

Lowes had a regular amount of foot traffic.  I noticed mask wearing is not taken seriously by everyone.  We picked up what we needed and head for her condo.  I installed a light fixture and several shelves. 

It was nice to be around someone and talking for a while.  Much like the blog, I don't have to sensor my life around Tink.  Her condo is looking good.  Once the restrictions are lifted she will be able to rent it.




Monday, May 18, 2020

Quandary

I continued lock down this weekend.  Rainy weather made it easy to stay inside.  The Gymnast made it to Arizona.  So far it looks like them just doing a bunch of driving.  Saturday I had another dream about Billy.  I wish they would stop.

So I find myself in a bit of a quandary.  I have been chatting with a few girls on line on Seek Arrangements.  It is a dating site where you can find anything from woman who want to date older men to prostitutes and girls that want to be keep.  It is where I found the Gymnast.  I started a new account and I said my age was 50 not 55 because none of those girls I have met on their think I am 55 and the lower number gets you better results.  That isn't my quandary.

The problem is I starting texting with a girl on there who wants to date an older guy but isn't looking to be kept.  She actually seems pretty cool.  We have a lot of common interests. She is 29 and the age difference would be steep if I was 50.  I am afraid 55 would be a deal breaker.  She will find out eventually should I let it ride or tell her now?  It would be too bad.  She is most interesting person I have spoken too on a dating site.  We haven't met yet though, perhaps there is no physical chemistry.

What do you think?  Let it ride a bit longer or reveal it now?

Friday, May 15, 2020

Another Dream

Last night I dreamed I was trying to convince Billy to stay with me.  It was a reply of our final days in the real world in a stretched out switched location way that happens in dreams.  In the dream as in real life she declined.  I woke with a tightness in my chest and feeling stress.  If I am dreaming about it, what is the chances I will be able to resist letting her back into my life if the opportunity presents itself?

I don't want that.  She had everything I could offer her and she throw it away.  If she didn't realize that then, she will not realize it in the future.  I don't forgive her.  I never will. 

Yesterday I went over Alexis' house and she cut my hair.  My desire to quarantine is waning.  Things will not be going back to normal anytime soon and I am not very happy about it.  I have been trying to be more charming on the dating site Bumble.  I have been talking to a few women but it is not going anywhere.  I think a big part of it is because I don't give a fuck.  I am really interested in either of the women I am talking with.  Just another week inside my capsule.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Updates

The Gymnast and the Gypsy have decide to go on a road trip to Arizona.  A rather foolish 29 hour drive to be taking right now if you ask me.  No one did.  So I didn't offer an opinion.  They have to be back by the end of the month for the Gypsy's court date.

Tinkerbell called and asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's with her. I jumped at the chance to get out of the house. I earlier I could not remember the last time I went anywhere.  Looking back it would be the day I looked at the truck. That would be a week ago!  No wonder I am getting a bit depressed.

I like hanging out with Tink.  It reminds me of the days we used to hang out all the time.  These trips are shorter, but she is still one of the few people I can talk to for hours and not get bored.  Lowe's was not crowded.  There were no lines at the door waiting to get inside.  Everyone wore a mask.  It is a strange new world we will be opening up too come June. 

The Weather here is starting to get warmer...again.  I hope we get some 70 degree days soon. I would like to go ride some trails on my bike.

I took my friend Sam's bike to the shop today also.  She has not ridden in three years.  It needed a tun-up.  I did a curbside drop off.  The owner of the small bike shop said he could not get his employees to come back.  They were making too much on unemployment.  I think this is true for a lot of people out there.  There should be a better way to get the economy rolling than paying people more money to sit home than to work.  If I made more staying at home than working you can be damn sure I wouldn't be in a hurry to go back.  Of course this also says something about the state of wages in this country but now I am digressing.