My First Review

 I received my first review today. It was not good. The reviewer seems to like giving negative reviews. I am not popular with middle age females. No surprise. She has given out several one star reviews. She seems to have a bit of an axe to grind. She seems to be in the minority opinion on other books she has reviewed. It is disappointing for my first review to be only one star. I am working on editing the book one more time.

What I Have Been Thinking

 Even tough I have published my memoir.  I am still compiling a final edit to eliminate any typos I am getting from reader feedback.

It was sometime after traveling through the Mojave in the Jeep that I had a weak moment. I sent an image of me beside the Jeep to Billie. The same image I ended up using as my about the author bio page. I was feeling a momentary loneliness on the road.  It did not last long and we only exchange three text (two were mine). I have refrained from discussing my life in depth with Billie for some time. I feel like anything I share would be akin to bragging and indeed that picture, me with a band new Jeep Gladiator in the Mojave, was bragging.

After a difficult year following the break-up my life has gotten better. I haven't been alone. I am working from home.  I bought the new truck.  I went on a twenty-four day trip across the country and complete my novel. Both of of which, I consider bucket list goals.

I am been thinking about this road trip. Ultimately the trip was for myself but it was something I was not prepared to do on my own. It was a lesson in enjoying the moment. Firefly enjoyed the experience. Billie would have enjoyed it too but differently. Billie would never have been able to go on such a trip. I give Firefly credit for composing herself enough to go.

I have not sent a link to the memoir to Billie. I am not sure she would want to read it. she would probably want to forget about that time of her life.  It does not matter, I wrote the book for myself. I put together the post because I feel like it is some of the best writing I have done.

Firefly is still living with me. Since the accident she has kept a low profile. I don't mind the company. I have not been going out much myself. She is looking for jobs and has only left the house with me or her mother. Though she would not agree, not having a car has kept her clean and out of trouble. She is not happy with the situation, but I do not care. It is up to her to change it.

The completion of my novel has left me with free time. I am tried of looking at that manuscript but I miss writing it.  I started a fantasy novel, long ago when I was still married.  I only have a printed hard copy of the original work.  I think I will start putting that into the computer again and working on that.

 

My Opinion

Several of you suggest I should get rid of Firefly.  I told her this weekend she needed to find another place to live.  It wasn't working for her or me.  One commenter suggested I needed an intervention.  I am Simping to hard on Firefly.  They suggested I hate myself and asked if I believe I can have a relationship with a real woman.

That sounds like something a woman would say.  I see "real" woman my age on Bumble all the time. They are overweight, still have kids under eighteen or pictured with their dog.  Even these woman only swipe right on 4.5% of men.  I have single female friends my age.  They are good friends but would make bad dating material. Older woman come with baggage too.  It is just different baggage. I could put my effort into chasing these women but I don't want them.

I don't want a second family.  I am not looking to get married. That boat sailed when my wife filed for divorce. I don't want to deal with someone else's kids. I am fifty-six years old.  I am doing what I want.  If Firefly doesn't work out I will find someone else.  In a few more years I won't even care.

Do I need an intervention? No.  I am not spending myself into poverty.  My marriage was the most expensive relationship I ever had.  If the right woman comes along, sure I would be interested in dating them.  But I am not going to sit around waiting for them.  My story may be hard to read for some but I see a lot of guys stories out there that I would rather not be too.

 

Stupid Attempt at Deception

 Yesterday it was easier to wake Firefly.  She had a plan.  It was not a good plan, but she thought she was clever.  She got in the shower.  Her mother came by, and they exchanged presents.  After, Firefly put on a grey and black hoodie over a black midriff-baring cami and a pair of tight jeans.  She did her make-up.  

"This is how you are going to go into rehab?"  I asked.  She looked inappropriately hot.  "They are going to label you trouble as soon as you walk in the door."

"They already will.  They know me here."

"Tell me why you are going here again?"  I asked her. She avoided the question.

She also avoids most of my questions concerning her boyfriend.  It was fishy.  I did find out.  This was his second DUI in as many weeks.  He is not a drinker either.  She wouldn't tell me what substance he had in his system.  

The rehab is ten minutes away from the house.  She does not like the place.  "Why are you going here then?"

"I have been banned from everywhere else around here."

I am not sure if that is true.  That isn't the reason she chooses this place or this time to go.  She didn't need rehab.  She has been lying around the house for days taking her Suboxone.  That was the only drug in her system.  She needs an outpatient program or to start going to meetings.

We got into the truck, and I dropped her off at the entrance to the rehab. Firefly gave me a quick hug and went inside.  When I got home, I sent a text to the "boyfriend's" mother.

"Firefly just checked herself into Harbor Oaks.  I find it suspicious because before she spoke to the boyfriend, she said she didn't need rehab or a day program."

"That is where he is," was her reply.

My suspicions were right.  The mother called me, and we discussed the situation.  She was not happy.  She intended to call Harbor Oaks and tell them about the situation.  I was not happy about it either.  Firefly has a $128 ticket due in ten days, and instead of getting a job, she was checking herself into rehab.

I finished my workday and went to see my friend Alexis.  She cut my hair and did some work on her bike she had installed on a stand in her basement.  It was eight-thirty when I returned home.  I notice the living room light was on as I drove. I parked in the garage and entered through the kitchen.  At first, I thought my son Max was over.

Firefly was balled up on the couch sleeping.  Her suitcase and travel bag were discarded at the front door. 

"What are you doing here?"

"Sleeping."

"Why are you here?"

"You already know why I am her."

"How did you get home?"

"I walked."

I doubt she walked the four miles. She doesn't have the strength.  I laid into her.  "You have a ticket due in ten days.  I am not paying for it.  You should be looking for a job, not playing footsie in rehab."

I have noticed, Firefly doesn't have a problem getting clean.  Billie never made it through the first day of withdrawals.  Firefly has a problem staying clean.  Staying busy.  She doesn't know what to do with herself when she is not doing drugs.  

"Haven't you fucked up that guy's life up enough in the two months you've known him?"

She insisted his life was already fucked up.  From what the mom said, that is probably true, but Firefly is not making it any better.

Firefly spent the night on the couch.  We usually sleep together.  I didn't care.  Her allure is waning.  It would not be hard to find another girl to replace her.  I would like her to leave.  I will not be making it comfortable for her to stay.

Crash Details

 Sunday about 11:00 in the morning a get an unknown call.  "Are you Firefly's stepfather?"

"Um, why what is going on with her?"

"She was in a car accident.  It was pretty bad."

I get directions from the woman, apparently the mother of the young driver Firefly rear ended, and head out of the house.  The accident occurred in Roseville.  A twenty-five minute ride from the house.  The Saturn Vue still ran but the front end was demolished.  It looked like she did not even try to stop.  She said she was fixing her mirror.  The car she hit was an older Jeep compose with a tire on the back.  It had damage but still ran fine.

I took Firefly home.  She had no phone or overnight bag in her car.  Apparently she was arguing with the boyfriend and walked out without them.  Firefly has a sprained wrist and her left leg is bruised.  she spent the next three days in bed.

Ironically the boyfriend got pulled over an hour after the crash.  They searched his car and found drugs.  He spent two days in jail.  His car was impounded and Firefly's phone, which was in his car, is now no where to be found.

Yesterday after a long talk with this boyfriend, Firefly checked herself into a local rehab.  When I suggested she go into a day program she said she didn't need too.  She is going there today.  She is not telling me what she was on, or what she did.  She claims she doesn't remember.  I tell her she has a selective memory.  If I had to guess, she was probably using Xanax or crack.  

Firefly hasn't been talking to me much since she spoke with the boyfriend.  Probably because his mother called me looking for him when he was in jail.  She was going through his call log and saw my number because Firefly was trying to get her phone from him. This boyfriend lives on his own with roommates but apparently the mother keeps close tabs on him.  I told the mother everything the two were up too.  Firefly and him both sell drugs.  He allows her to smoke crack.  I told the mom, Firefly is not girlfriend material right now. This boyfriend is a recovering addict.  How quickly she is dragging him down.

Firefly knew this guy only three weeks before we went on vacation. She has been around him less time than what we spent on our trip and she was practically glued to him before we left.  I think he told her she had to go to rehab if she wanted to continue dating him.  I cannot wait to see how that works out.

Regardless she is going back to rehab and I do not have to deal with her...for now.

More Details From the Road

 From Michigan we either drove through or stayed in the following states:

Ohio

Kentucky

Tennessee- Nashville, Memphis

Arkansas- Hot Springs,

Texas

New Mexico- Carlsbad, White Sands

Arizona- Tucson, Sabino Canyon 

California- Palm Springs, Joshua Tree, Mojave Desert

Nevada- Las Vegas

Utah- Springdale, Zion National Park, Moab, Arches National Park

Colorado

Nebraska- Ogallala

Iowa- Davenport

Illinois

Indiana  

We travel through sixteen states, including our own, in twenty-four days.  Not enough time but we were ready to come home.  There was less to see and do in the colder states.  We canceled a stop in Chicago due to everything being closed and just drove home.

I do not mind being back to work.  I see it as a necessary evil.  At least we are still working from home for now.  Not sure how much longer that will last.  

Firefly managed to total the Saturn two days after our return.  She rear ended another vehicle.  I am not sure what to do with her.  She is like a bad penny.  As of now she is mopping around depressed because she doesn't have a car.  It will take years for this one to learn.

Return Home

There was still a lot of people out in Vegas New Years Eve.  I don't understand why when midnight strikes it is a mass of people taking video off their phones of other people taking video.  They seem to miss the moment.  I did take more pictures than is my usual on this trip.  I think it is because I took so few while Billie and I were together.

Firefly liked Vegas.  She likes the extravagance.  I found it expensive and hard to find places to eat.  I don't think I will be going back until things are back to normal.  People have changed since the last time I was there.  I don't understand the need to take your dog to a resort casino.

We stopped at the Hoover Dam after Las Vegas.  We could not go on any tours of the dam so it left us a bit underwhelmed.  

From the Hoover dam we drove into Utah.  I am going to say that Utah is the most beautiful state we traveled.  We did Zion National park and then drove up to Moab and did Arches National park.  Utah is definitely a place I would go back.  I could spend three weeks in the parks there alone.  I would do more off-roading and camping.  We kept the Jeep off the extreme trails we needed to get back and I did not feel like breaking anything.

Arches National Park

Zion National Park

When we left Moab, Utah I drove through Colorado.  It was a nice day and did not want to be traveling the Rookie mountains during bad weather. We stayed the night in a small town in Nebraska.  I have never seen as many cows as I saw in Nebraska.  From Nebraska we made it into Davenport, Iowa and from there to home.  

Firefly was ready to get back.  The trip lost all glamor once we started back north into colder states with  less to see and do.  I was getting tired of the road also but I was not looking forward to my old routine to start again.

It feels strange being home.  The road was a time to both forget and to remember.   I wouldn't mind taking another road trip.  Just not sure with whom.  Firefly was not too bad  and I made the best of the time. I will have to discuss more of my thoughts in later posts.