Tuesday, December 31, 2019


The night before New Years Eve a dusting of snow covered the ground.  The Gymnast came over, late as usual.  The sex with her is good.  She does not lift my spirits, though.  I want more.

New Years eve the snow flurries continued throughout the day without any accumulation.  It was a bitter cold day.  I forced myself to Walmart to pick up a few things.  Once I got home I made myself some broccoli and noodles.  My stomach didn't care for them though and it bothered me for several hours after eating.

All my tests are coming back negative.   My gallbladder is fine.  I do not have an ulcer or acid reflux but something is still very wrong.

In the beginning of 2019 Billy and I were looking at houses and talking about moving.  We were making plans for the future.  What a difference a year makes.  What a difference a few months make.

Before Thanksgiving I thought I was making progress.  Now I feel like life is at its lowest.  I took my health for granted.  I bragged I was the healthiest in the family.  I don't even have that anymore.

Will 2020 bring better times?  I  need to find my way again.  It would be easier if I was healthy.  I wish I could erase Billy from my thoughts.  My resolution, is to try.

Friday, December 27, 2019


Each day away from Billy feels like I am being punished.  I want to hold her tight, cry into her shoulder and not let her go.  That has not happened.  Friday before Christmas my stomach was hurting pretty bad.  I tore the house apart looking to see if I could find any dope Billy may have left behind.  Even though I looked through the couch before that is where I found remnants of her.  There was a rolled up twenty dollar bill in the cushions.  It was her preferred tool for snorting dope and under the couch there was a rolled up ball of dis-guarded foil and and one pack of dope. 

I consulted her over text messages.  "If it is white then it is the strong stuff."  She texted me.  She meant it was fentanyl.

I placed a few granules under my tongue to take the edge off the pain.  The shit is strong but I am careful.  My stomach pain has subsided some since then.  I keep it at bay with heavy doses of Mylanta.  It is the only thing that seems to help.  All the testing has come back negative.  Perhaps I am doing this to myself.

I did not text Billy during the holiday.  The memories are fading but I miss her presence.  There is no going back.  I thought I did not want to go back.  Now I am not so sure.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

The Gymnast II

The Gymnast says hello as she comes through the garage door.  She is getting comfortable around my house.  This is what I want.  The cat takes off in fear as the Gymnast appears.  The cat hides in the basement so well I cannot find her.  She does the now when ever anyone comes over.  I am beginning to wonder if she would come out if Billy came for a visit.

The Gymnast has thin shoulder length blonde hair.  The last four inches are lighter than the rest.  The result of having it colored long ago.  She is soft spoken but a hustler who has taken care of herself since the age of fourteen.  She is young, twenty-one.  My age does not seem to bother her.  Our arrangement works for both of us.  I like the Gymnast.  We are comfortable together but I do not have to worry about developing romantic feelings for her.  My warped sense of what is okay knows better than that.

She is wearing a full length black Calvin Klein winter coat over black work pants and a yellow sweat shirt.   To me she seems bulky when she is in clothes but when she is naked there is no denying her perfect figure.  I have spent to many years with Billy.  Billy has always been under weight.  Her body has given me false expectations of what a girl should look like.

We exchange just a few words of conversation before moving upstairs, not because I am anxious to have sex with her, but since Billy left I spend seventy percent of my time in my bedroom.  I just find it more comfortable.  The Gymnast Removes her clothes and crawls under the covers.  She complains that the bed is cold.  I strip down and join her.

"Do me a favor,"  I tell her.  "Take out your belly rings"  She doe not argue.  She already knows I like belly buttons and those rings just hide them.

The Gymnast has firm B cup breast with pierced inverted nipples.  She has several tattoos on here body.  The all tend to the morbid.  There is a large set of roses hiding a skull on her upper abdomen with the words "Live To Die" beneath.  A small pair of angel wings are on her right side ribs and a large floral pattern adorns the outside of her right upper thigh.  Several more are scattered over other areas of her body.  My favorites are on the backs of her hands.  They are clever pieces.  On her left is the lower portion of a skull.  On her right is a wide joker inspired grin with red lips.  They are done in such a way that when she places her hand over her mouth the tattoo completes her face.

I debate whether to turn on a movie or to pull out the new vibrator I bought for us (her idea).  The vibrator wins out.  I  know she is more likely to fall asleep if we start watching a movie.  I bring out the new toy and we try out the various settings.  She admits to me she is a horny girl and has one at home.  Watching her passion swell quickly get me going and soon I am inside her.

She likes to make out will we are having sex.  I find it unusual considering we are not lovers and I am paying her to be there. It is the kind of detail that blurs the lines of our arrangement.  Sex with the Gymnast is good.  We do not have feelings for each other but the same comfort I spoke of early makes it easy to be open naked and open with her.

Late after we are spent she curls up next to me to watch the Matrix.  She has never seen it.  The bed is no longer cold.  Her body where it touches mine is almost to hot to be next too.  Half way through the movie she is rolling over and closing her eyes.

In the morning I am up before her.  I stroke her soft skin beneath the covers before leaving her in the bed and starting my day  I would like to stay in bed with her but I have a doctor's appointment.  I go downstairs and make a decaf cup of coffee and return to jump into the shower.  She is dressed and sitting in bed when I get out.

"I'm sorry.  Did I wake you?"  She gives me a coy like that says I did.

"I have to do Christmas shopping today anyway."

"You have a little time.  I need to eat something before I go to the doctor.  Breakfast is one of the meals that never gives me pain."  I tell her.

We head downstairs.  I make her a cup of coffee.  She sits on the couch and scrolls through her phone while I make myself breakfast.  "I made an piece of bacon for you."  I say, but she declines.  she has decided she is going to go home and back to sleep before shopping.

We leave moments apart.  I get to my doctors on time.  When the doctor gets to the room we discuss all of my symptoms and the test I have already had.  He still thinks it is my gallbladder.  This was my initial theory too but the specialist had me doubting myself and thinking maybe a food allergy.  He schedules another test.  This one will induce a gallbladder issues if they are present.  Sounds like fun.  It is on the twenty-seventh.  So my Christmas vacation will be filled with more pain and I will probably end up getting my gallbladder out after the first of the year when all me deductibles rollover.  Life is not fair!

Monday, December 16, 2019


I have been having stomach issues for about three weeks now.  They crept up on me suddenly.  I suppose I was ignoring earlier signs.  I tend to ignore symptoms. At fifty-five everything hurts sometime or other.  I wound up in the ER a few times and at a specialists office.  The specialist was an ass.  After several tests they found nothing major.  Just some moderate irritation of the stomach and small intestine.

I find it hard to believe moderate irritation has been sending me to the ER and keeping up every night in pain.  The tests do not offer any alternatives.  So much for my high pain tolerance.  I reached out to Billy last week.  Frustrated and in pain she is all I wanted.  I cannot explain why.  The comfort I guess.  Right now she is less tangible to me than Ross or the Gymnast.  But the relationships I have with Rose and the Gymnast are superficial, based on sex and money.

The stomach issues have set me back.  I felt like I was making progress.  Expanding my mind and getting over the past.  Now I am not so sure.  I have hated the holidays ever since the divorce.  I find myself alone, emotional and in pain this year.  Just another crappy ending to a crappy year.

Monday, December 2, 2019

The Gymnast

I found the Gymnast on Seeking Arrangements.  Another disappointing site where you can even seem to pay for what you want.  We arranged to meet at a dive bar that was conveniently located for both of us.

I arrived first.  There was a group of regulars around a pool table in the back and a couple more regulars at the bar.  Someone was feeding the jukebox eighties metal selections.  I did not dare select anything.  My music tastes tend not to be for the bar crowd.  I was on my second beer before the Gymnast arrived with a friend in tow.  The Gymnast is young (21 yrs old).  She is a mix of good girl and bad girl that I like.  She is blond and reminds me of Billy with the fifteen extra pounds that gives her a healthy look.  She coaches kids gymnastics and works at a bar in Royal Oak.  She is covered with tattoos, some of them dark. 

Her friend is also young.  Ironically the friend goes to the same yoga studio as me.  She is in a mixed levels class, so we haven't crossed paths but we discuss meeting up to do so.  The friend is darker complected and reminds me of Tinkerbell.

The girls order drinks and we talk at the bar.  The Gymnast is refreshingly open and candid.  She has one of those hard life stories that sucks me right in.  Her father died when she was fourteen.  Her mother took little responsibility.  Her ex-boyfriend recently overdosed and died.

I like her.  She would be the perfect distraction for the holidays.  I am not talking about a relationship.  She is a paid companion but she is natural and I can be myself around her.  We decide to meet the following night after gymnastics practice. 

The next night she is late.  I feel like that is just one thing I will need to expect with her.  When she arrives, she is dressed in leggings and a bright blue tee with her name across the back under the word coach.  We sit and talk about ourselves.  We are both open books and we discuss the twisted things in our pasts.  She is depressed.  Her ex's death was this week and she is till processing it.

I tell her, "This arrangement is what you make of it.  If you want to go to a concert or a play, I will make it happen.  If you just want to come over and hangout that is okay too."

Later when we go up stairs, It is initially awkward but she is at ease and I am soon at attention.  The sex is good.  She has firm small breast with pierced nipples.  She says she pierced them because her nipples are inverted but it didn't really help.  She is surprisingly affectionate during the sex.  Something you don't always see in these situations.  It tends to blur the lines between relationship and arrangement but I like it when things are a bit blurred.

I'd like to see her again but it has been hard to pull her out of her depression.  We are on opposite sides of the pendulum but both dealing with our own issues.  I am hoping we can brighten each others lives up during this season of misery.  Time will tell.