Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind...Rhiannon, Fleetwood Mac
Last night I went to Alexis' house to get my hair cut. We spent a few hours sitting outside in her garage smoking vapes and catching up. Alexis is happy with the election results and is poking fun at a guy she was hooking up with for being a sore loser. Alexis wanted to hear all about Firefly and her return.
"So I hear your roommate is back. What going on? Spill the beans," she says to me.
Alexis finds my relationship with Firefly unusual. I find this a bit amusing. Alexis is an alcoholic. She is having sex with multiple partners (including a married man) and she is not above using a man for his money. To me she is no different that Firefly. She is just thirty years older.
Alexis doesn't understand why I don't look for someone closer to my own age. It is pretty obvious really. I don't fit with women my own age. I am financially stable, but I am not rich. I cannot afford, nor do I even desire to retire anytime soon. So, I do not appeal to women my age looking for security. I am still an adult child. If I had to choose between a hot mess like Alexis or Firefly, I will always choose the younger hotter version. I know where I fit.
She thinks that sex will become less important in a few years and wonders if I will just want a companion at some point. I agree with her. Sex will become less important, but as the desire for sex diminishes for me, so will the desire for a companion. I told Alexis I want to take this long trip in December. It is something I will probably never do again. At least not with someone like Firefly.
I am not a fan of the holiday season. Growing up, the holidays were about family getting together. This is also the narrative we are feed by society. Picture perfect holidays ended when I got divorced. I feel like these things go in cycles. I long for the holidays of the past. My son Max will probably struggle to create the picture perfect holidays he never had.
I feel like I am losing my way again. My mind is in the past and the future. Not the moment. This time of year does that to me. It comes on with the weight of a steamroller.
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost.. Dreams, Fleetwood Mac
I always thought family holidays were boring, not that I didn't like my family, it's just that I saw them all the time, so after the eating was done, I was always ready to leave.
ReplyDeleteWell we didn't see our family all the time so it was nice on holidays.
DeleteI am not a fan of the holidays either. Just feels forced and artificial and shallow to me. I go through the motions for my husband and for the kids, but mostly I am just looking forward to taking decorations down and getting on with life afterward.
ReplyDeleteI think it will be a present just to get away.
DeleteWhen are you leaving? Do enjoy your road trip as much as you can!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply - now everything makes sense. I have once driven a Jeep in the Omani desert, after letting some of the air out of the tires!
It was a strange and long day, filled with sun, sand, emotions, death and cherishing what I had back home (I was there for work).
Seems like Firefly is really doing a good job.
You stay safe
Firefly is not doing so well. She takes takes a step back every time she makes a step forward. She is in a holding pattern.
DeleteThe virus cases are rising in many states and I am not sure how it will be to travel in December.