Nothing to Report

It is hard to write off an entire year when you have a decreasingly few good years left and I feel like we will be writing off more than one year.

I've started this post a few times.  At first it was going to be a recap of my weekend.  Friday, Bunny and I went kayaking.  Saturday, I went biking with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We rode thirty-one miles over the course of the day.  Sunday, I did yoga in the park, than got a massage in the afternoon.  

Firefly came over Sunday night.  She is treading water, but refusing to surrender to the process. I offer what advice I can but if she doesn't make some changes she will end up in jail again.  She reminds me very much of Billy.  

I have become reclusive.  Mostly because of the virus but sometimes I wonder.  It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not have another long term relationship.  Much of my life has revolved around a relationship, finding one or searching for one.  It is what I learned growing up.  The goal to life.  You work hard.  You get married and you have kids.  It turns out, that was the worst mistake I made.  

I have no idea what direction to go next.  For twenty-five years I collected Legos thinking one day to build great things.  Lately they sit unused.  My current project is writing the memoir.  It seems more of a cautionary tale than anything. 

 

Height Of Summer

The height of summer has left many of us posting less.  I have no interesting stories to share.  I have been working, excising and sleeping.  Probably too much of the sleeping.  I saw Firefly Wednesday, she was not looking well.  She won't admit it, but my experience tells me she is not clean.  She claims to be out of her program because her boyfriend of convenience OD and was in the hospital.  That part I believe, whether she was with him or not is the question.

I like Firefly but my experience with Billie tells me she does not have much of a chance.  Billie is alive today because I took a large personal and financial interest in keeping her that way.  Firefly has no one doing that for her. 

I still feel like the Physic has Firefly and Billie confused.  They are a lot alike.  I have not heard from Billie in some time.  I don't think I will unless I initiate it.   I don't have any desire to reach out to Billie, what would be the point?  I miss what we had, but that is gone.  I hope she is doing well.

Today I am going kayaking with Bunny.  I am thinking about bringing the bikes too if she is up for it.  I need to get back on my memoir.  I am stuck in rewrites of chapter 8 and 9.  I think I am just going onto chapter 10.  I will be editing everything from the beginning again anyway.  I would like to have the final chapters completed.  I figure it will stretch to 12 or 13 in all.  With chapter 11 being constructed from memories and photos instead of blog posts. I am looking forward to that.

Over Think

Bunny:  Just bring my yoga mat correct?

Bathwater: Yes, but it looks like the rain is going to come soon.  I was just going to text you and suggest doing it here.

Bunny: I am still going to drive up to the park.  If it is not going on I will come over.

Sunday Bunny and I planned on going to yoga in the local park.  I went the prior two weeks.  The rain canceled our original plans.

Bunny came into to the condo from the garage.  It has become the unofficial guest entrance.  "It started pouring as I pulled up," Bunny tells me.  "I felt sorry for all the people packing up and running back to their cars."

She is wearing spandex shorts and a loose tee over a sports bra.  I regard her figure, but try not to be obvious.  Bunny is a tall woman, 5' 8".  She has full breast but not over weight.  She is a pretty girl, but I feet more of a physical connection with the Gymnast or Firefly. I cannot explain why.  Partly it is that Bunny is more Bohemian than most girls that attract me.  She doesn't shave her armpits or wear deodorant, and only trims her pubic hair.  I have dated stripper types for the last fifteen years, they don't have an inch of hair on them.

We set up our mats in the basement in front of the big screen TV.  We do an hour of yoga by following along to a YouTube video.  Parts of the video are challenging for me.  I am not in the shape I was in before the virus outbreak.

After yoga, we go out to a local restaurant for lunch. The place is not crowded, but we both feel a lack of comfort being in public.  The staff wears masks, but the customers, including us are without while we are seated eating.  Bunny orders a salad with chicken and I get eggs with sausages.

Bunny tells me she still wants to go kayaking with me.  We make plans for this Friday. Bunny and I don't have any type of arrangement.  I've told her, I cannot provide that for her.  It is a polite way of saying I am not physically attracted to her.  I paid for breakfast and would pay for us to kayak, but I do not provide anything else besides my company. 

I find it odd.  Maybe I shouldn't. Most of my friends are female. None of the others are so young, but age has never been a boundary.  I don't find it odd because of a lack of conversation.  I know Bunny is looking for an arrangement but she doesn't push the issue.  I fact we have not discussed it further.

I find myself in unfamiliar waters.  If Bunny wanted to date.  I probably would... casually.  I always question peoples motives.  It is easier to understand being needed than being wanted.  I am probably overthink things.  I do that too.

Writing

Outside the temperatures hover in the high 80's to low 90's lately.  That is okay with me.  I have not been going outside much.  Sunday I forced myself to go to yoga in the park.  It was hot.  As much as I need to stretch and do yoga, I do not enjoy it outside in the park.  Outside is the only way available to me right now other than doing it downstairs like the rest of my workouts.

Though she expressed interest, Bunny did not make it to yoga in the park.  I am not surprised by this.  She is not an earlier riser.  Yoga starts at 11:00 a.m.  No, that is not really early. 

I have not been able to find anyone else on the dating sites.  There is a drought of needy women. The government is giving away money and the younger generation seems to be inherently lazy.  Overall, I am okay with this.  As my ability to pull in quality sexual partners demises, so does my desire to date.

I have not been writing much here.  I don't feel like the mundane makes for a good story.  I have been working hard on my memoir.  I am deep into Chapter 9. Per Jules suggestion, I have been revising the earlier chapters with more content that fleshes out more of my life

Posting it on Wattpad was a way to keep me motivated at first, but the book is evolving from what was originally published.  I am happy with the results. My progress is giving me more motivation.  Work is slow and it affords me time for this passion project of mine, but working from home forces me to sit behind the computer for 8 hours a day.  I am still determined to have a complete draft ready for edit before the end of the year.

Last Dance

Sunday, Firefly strolls into the house like she belongs.  I like that familiarity. I am lying in bed, watching new episodes of Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix. "Come here," I tell her, motioning her to cuddle up next to me.  "You have got to see this one."

I start the episode over and she curls up next to me.  Her head is on my shoulder and I run my fingers through her bright red hair while we watch.  It is our last night together. I told her in advance to plan on staying longer.  I provide a running comic commentary during the show.  Which is about a headstrong young girl.  "Sounds like someone I know,"  I say and squeezing her ass.

Firefly is not afraid to give as good as she gets when it comes to banter.  Our jokes continue right through sex.  "I don't have any tricks left for tonight".

"You mean its in?"

"Smart-ass!"  I left her up, flipping her from her side to her back without pulling out.

After, we head downstairs where it is cooler.  We are sitting on the couch sharing a bowl of ice cream when I see Sienna, my cat, slinking toward the basement stairs.  I call her over and tentatively she jumps up onto the couch.  Sienna does not like visitors, but she allows Firefly to brush her for awhile before going here own way.

It is our last night together for a while.  She starts the 90 day program Tuesday.  "Have you gone without sex for 90 days?"  I ask.

"I have. When my last boyfriend was in rehab.  You won't,"  she says laughing, "I know you."

"I wasn't going to tell you this,"  I begin.  "You don't need a boost to your ego."  Then I tell her how I told Bunny I could not be in an arrangement with her and that she still wants to hangout with me.

"What can I say, who wouldn't?"  I finish the story with.

"Oh please, full of yourself much?"

The truth is, I don't feel the same need to find someone else right now.  I am looking, but not with the same sense of urgency.  I think I am becoming more comfortable with myself and my situation.

Update-Thoughts

Wednesday, I texted Bunny to cancel getting together on Friday.  I didn't want to say I am not physically attracted to her.  I have been seeing Firefly and she takes care of my physical needs even though Firefly will be gone for 3 months I would rather wait or find someone else than to pay for Bunny's company.  I feel a bit guilty for canceling.  Bunny is a pretty 22 yr old girl.  Most guys would jump at the chance to be with her.

Bathwater: Hey, I am afraid I have to cancel Friday.  This is just not what I want right now.

Bunny: What's up are you okay?   I am curious if I did something wrong, please let me know.

Bathwater: I am fine.  I think you are great.  I hope we can remain friends, but I know you are looking for an arrangement and I am not sure I want that right now.

Bunny: I understand, I would love to be friends with you and still hangout and do things!  I want ot do yoga with you.  And that's perfectly okay!  I get it!

I find it funny that these girls half my age find me interesting.  You can argue that  I exchange money for sex with Firefly and the Gymnast, but Bunny wants to stick around even though we will not have such an arrangement.

I remember when I first started dating Billy there was a big debate about our relationship on one of my previous blogs.  One anonymous person wrote "... I think you can't attract quality women of your own age, so you go for the damaged, fragile young girls who will look up to you as a savior/sugar daddy and put up with your failings and lack which quality older women won't do."

I don't think that is true.  I do end up getting involved with damaged younger girls. Those are the types that tend to get involved with older men.   I relate to them.  I have been through a lot myself. 

For every Firefly, Gymnast or Bunny I have met this year, there have been two girls that never make the blog.  Either because they don't go past the first meeting, or the fizzle out quickly.  What have I gotten from regular dating sites?  One date, The Hippie and she came with baggage.  A 7 yr old son.  I am not looking to be dealing with kids again at my age. 

I think the anonymous person would be more correct if they said, I cannot find a attractive quality woman my own age.  The available ones are few and far between and have their pick of men.  You don't go fishing in a lake where they are not biting.  You fish where you catch something.

A Firefly

There is a third girl I meet on Seeking Arrangement (SA).  I have not spoken about her up until now and when I tell you about her you will know why. Firefly, as I will call her, is a petite red head.  She has a cute little figure that girls only have when they are young.  Firefly has this childlike energy about her, that I feed upon.  She reminds me of Billy, I think the Psychic had them confused, when she said, "I don't see her ever going away (perhaps she meant it metaphorically).

Firefly has the same bad habit as Billy.  She is an addict.  I saw the signs right away.  "After you told me about your ex, I know I wasn't going to be able to hide it from you", she said to me early on.

I told here, "I've been down this road before.  I am not getting sucked down it again."

"I understand." She replies, sheepishly but a mischievous grin never leaves her face. Sex with Firefly is fun and exciting.  There is something about her I find very attractive.  It is more than her superficial similarities to Billy.

We spent a lot of time together last month, she was struggling to get by and waiting for an opening in rehab facility.  I don't understand my appeal to these young girls.  It goes beyond the financial. I see it in the way they hang out with me.  I see it in their reluctance to leave.  I see it in Firefly, and I see it in Bunny.  The mutually beneficial nature of the relationship keeps things easier to understand. I don't want to fall in love.  I just want someone to have fun with.

 "If you don't get in soon, I am cutting you off," I told Firefly.  She waited over a week for an opening.  Then on a Sunday, unexpectedly, she got the call from the rehab facility and she was gone.  I expected to get a text from Firefly telling me she bailed from the place a day or two later but it never came.  Quitting opiods is not easy. You have to want it.

Yesterday she reappeared.  It has been ten days.  She looks healthier.  She is transferring from the short term facility and into a long term program. She will only be out for a week. The long term program will last anywhere from thirty days to a year.  It is something I wish Billy would have done.  Firefly is only twenty.  She does not have that hollow look to her face that comes from years of drug use.  That look was taking over Billy's pretty face..

 "Take your time.  There is nothing going on out here," I say, waving my hand about indicating this virus plagued world.  She gives me a hug before leaving through the garage.  "I am proud of you," I tell her as she retreats into the night.

Bunny

Friday the skies were clear but the temperatures remained cool.   I put the top and doors on the Jeep and headed over to a local outdoor mall to meet with a potential replacement for the Gymnast.  I have decide to call her Bunny.  The name has some significance to her.  She used the word as part of her user name and I noticed it was spelled out in the little plastic beads of a bracelet she wore.

Bunny: I don't know if I told you this already, but I will be in cozy clothes nothing fancy.

Bathwater:  Me too.  I am not a fancy guy.  I prefer jeans and tees.  I drive a Jeep not a Lexus.

Bunny:  Haha, nice.  Perfect, I love that.

I made it to the mall early.  She texted me while I was still sitting in my car. 

Bunny: Hello, are you here yet?

Bathwater: I am in the parking lot. 

Bunny:  Me too!  I just got here.

Bathwater: I am heading to the fireplace.

Bunny: What are you wearing?

Bathwater:  Jeans and a blue tee.

I sat down on the ledge of the outdoor fireplace and scanned the crowd.  Some wore masks, some did not.  I was not wearing a mask but I had one around my wrist  in case we decided to enter any of the stores.  Bunny waved to me as she walked up. 

Bunny says she is twenty-two.  She has naturally curly shoulder length brown hair.  She wore a red and white fisherman's bucket hat, a matching red and white long sleeve sweater and light blue mom jeans.  When she sat next to me I noticed rainbow colored socks with the words "Fuck off" printed on them sticking out of her high top white Chuck Taylors.

"I would not have pegged you for having a sleeve," she begins the conversation with.

"No?  It is in the pictures. I have a lot of tattoos.  My back is covered in a similar angels and demons theme," I tell her lifting up my shirt a bit so she can see.  She approves, and that starts us on a discussion about tattoos.  She does not have any but wants one.  She feels society is still not accepting enough of them.

Later I would describe her to Tinkerbell and her boyfriend as coming across as a bit intense.  She has serious nature about her, but she also has an infectious smile.  Bunny is not afraid to discuss the topics most people say away from, religion, politics, and the protests. 

She lives close to me.  I'd say very close.  We shop at the same local grocery store and she works a mile from the condo.  That is a plus.  She is tall, 5' 8", I told her she would be taller than me if she wore heels. she assures me she does not.  I find her typical of the girls her age I meet.  She is sensible and not caught up in the fast fashion we see all around us.

It was early evening but it was chilly beneath the shade of the fireplace.  I suggested we walk a bit in the sun while we continued our conversation.  In total we were together for two hours.  "You are refreshing," I tell her.  "To be honest I came here reluctantly.  I have meet a few disappointments." She understands and tells me about a few of her bizarre encounters. 

We get along mentally.  I hope there is a sexual connection.  I was with her for two hours and I cannot describe her figure to you.  She hides it. None of her pictures are revealing. I think that is on purpose, though I am not sure of the reason.  On the site she called herself curvy.  In my experience that means a few extra pounds but Bunny does not seem fit that description.

We are meeting again this Wednesday.  I am intrigued and a little hopeful that I have found someone to spend a few of these summer days with.