Monday, November 25, 2019

The Hippie

I meet the Hippie on the POF (Plenty of Fish) dating site.  She is a divorced mom of a 19 yr old and 7 yr old.  The hippie is forty-three, twelve years younger than me but sixteen years older than Billy.  She lives near where I work and she works nights at a nearby auto assembly plant.  She is petite and a bit plan.

Ironically the Hippie and Billy share the same first name.  At least that prevents me from making any slips.  We met for lunch at a local Coney Island.  The conversation flowed well.  She has a few quirks.  She tends to flash the peace sign in a salute when making a comic point.

We went out a second time on Sunday, another lunch.  I find myself picking the Hippie apart.  Her lack of fashion sense, two baby daddies and the weird mole on her forehead.  In actuality she is a nice person and she does seem to like me.  After three hours with her on Sunday, I found myself wanting to go home and watch Star Wars movies.  I am just not ready.

This morning I was overcome by a deep sorry.  I miss my relationship with Billy.  I feel like I am racing to replace her.  "She has moved on.  I need to show I can move on also."  But neither the Hippie or Rose are really making me happy.  They make me sad.

Monday, November 18, 2019

Rose and a Weekend Update

Rose strolls through the door wearing the exercise outfit we bought on our shopping excursion.  She has a pink top on over the sports bra.  "I am not used to you wearing a bra," I would tell her later as I groped her while we lay spooning on the couch.  Rose is an enigma.  Usually her stories are a mixture of truths and lies.  She is intentionally deceptive but not maliciously so as far as I can tell.

It is safe to assume she only thinks of me when she needs a new outfit or is in need of money but the truth is probably less cut and dry.  I find with people like Rose the first thing she thinks about is keeping her head above water and navigating life without the support of stable parental figures.

There are a few facts that I do know.  She has a younger sister who is pregnant (I have met her a couple of times) and a brother.  She is close to her sister and is looking forward to having a niece to pamper.  She works out and is proud of her accomplishments with her body.  She is down to 12% body fat but not in an unhealthy way like Billy.  Rose's ass and thighs are firmer than mine.
She believes she thinks differently than others.  I believe she does too.  I think she would rate high on a sociopath test.  My cats seems to like her though Rose's reaction to the cats need for affection is one of amusement.

She curl up next to me.  She is willing to sleep with me. Rose likes to be dominated but sex with her is not as fulfilling as it was with Billy.  There is no love, it lacks intimacy.

The weekends are still hard for me.  Often I do not feel like getting out of bed.  I text Billy this weekend.  She says she still feels awful about everything.  I know feeling awful and feeling like you made a mistake are two different things.  Regardless, I can not take her back and that is the worst part.  I am adrift-- again. The analogy says I was in a house of darkness while I was with Billy and each of us was struggle to provide what little light we had.  The world outside is full of light (love).   I am not outside in this light yet.  I feel like I am struggling between trying to pull some new into the darkness and taking that first step into the light.

The answer to fulfillment is an elusive goal.  The books easily describe what I am doing wrong but they make living life correctly sound like a long and lonely path with a reward that is not tangible.

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Dismemberment

I pulled into the driveway at the address she provide me in her email.  The brick ranch showed signs of age on the outside.  A snow covered Ford focus is parked in the driveway.  She opens the door as I approached.   She is younger than she appeared in her photo and prettier, with curly blond shoulder length hair and a wide comforting smile.

Once inside she has me take off my shoes.  She is dressed in a long sweater over purple and pink leggings and matching purple and pink wool socks.  I am in jeans and a faded red pullover. 

On the inside the house looks freshly remodeled.  The furniture is comfortable and new. There is incense or a scented candle burning and native american music is playing. I am here for a shamanic healing and she is my shaman.  I sit cross legged on the couch and she mirrors my pose on a chair opposite me.  She explains what she will be doing.  She is going off on a spirit journey to clear my chakras and restore balance.

I sit crossed legged and meditate while she is on her journey.  They atmosphere is conducive to meditation.  I find myself in a deeper state than ever before. Images and colors pass before my mind but disappear when I try to focus on them.

Twenty minutes late she is explaining what she did.  She was directed to do a spiritual body dismemberment and to heal each chakras outside the spiritual body.  She says she has never been instructed to do a dismemberment before.  She tells me I was a samurai in a past life and was instructed me to remind me of my power.  My spirit animal is a red dragon. Which is coincidentally what I have tattooed on the left side of my chest and what I painted for my bedroom when I moved into the condo many years ago.


She recommended a book, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior.  I have started reading it and it falls in line with much I have already been reading.  I am not sure how much faith I have in her journey but it was worth keeping an open mind and I do feel different today, stronger.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Shopping

Rose texted me Sunday morning and pulled me out of my hibernation. "You should come shopping with me and tell me what looks good!!!"

"I was just going to ask if you wanted company,"  I replied.  I needed to get out.  Rose is easy on the eyes and easy to be around. 

We made plans to meet at an outlet mall.  I arrived on time.  Rose was an hour late.  Her tardiness allowed me to get me steps in for the day.  "I have to remember when you say noon you mean one,"  I tell her when she finally arrives. 

"I know.  I will be late for my own funeral,"  she tells me, "like Elizabeth Taylor."

"Is she dead?"

Rose looks at me side-long, unsure if I am kidding with her.  "Yes, she delayed her funeral by fifteen minutes."  I did not know.

Rose was looking for workout clothes.  "I have been around this place three times so I can tell you which stores look promising but my sense of direction is bad so we will probably end up walking in circles."  I tell her as we start walking.

I am wearing jeans and a tee with the same light jacket/ heavy shirt I wore through the whole trip to China.  Rose was also dressed in jeans, a burnt orange light puffy jacket over a mustard shirt and black ankle boots with a four inch heal.

Conversation comes easy between Rose and I.  The more time we spend with each other the more our guards come down.  She talks about her weight training and an up coming photo shoot she is doing on Monday for a portfolio.  She wants to do modeling work.  She definitely could be.  She has a great body and large blue eyes. 

We end up picking up a few things in the Under Armor store.  She buys two outfits and some shoes while I buy a pair of pants.  "What size shoe do you wear?" 

I hand her a seven and she tries it on.  She decides she might need a half size bigger.  I press on her toe and tell her the seven and a half seem to fit.  I make a joke about her large feet, because I can get away with it.  There is nothing large or out of place on her.  "I had to kick her out of bed.  Her feet were just too over bearing when we played footsie."

When end our shopping spree at a near by Qdobas.  Rose is mostly vegetarian and eating clean.  She is trying to put on more muscle.  My fear is she will add too much. She looks perfect now.   We sit across from each other and talk about mindfulness, meditation, and things considered alternative.  She is into a lot of the things I am exploring right now.  I pause in our conversation and regard her.  "You are so pretty,"  I tell her and at that moment she was, with her long blonde her framing her features.

"Now you are making me blush."  She did not seem to be blushing.  I always assume a pretty girl knows the effect she has on a man.

I could have spent more time with her but I did not want overdue it.  It is better to leave things on a high note I am learning. Besides we have plans for her to come over Wednesday night weather permitting.  Right now snow is falling .

There is a platonic nature to our encounters.  I have not figured out if it is her guarded nature or if she is just not attracted to me.  For now, I am assuming the latter.  Rose was abused as a child and an adult.  She would trust me with her life long before she would trust me with her heart.  She does trust me.  Which I am sure is something she does not say about many people. 

Right now I do not want to get consumed by another relationship.  The break up with Billy hurt me deeply.  Rose keeps her distance.  Right now that is what I need.  Still our encounters fuel me.  They make me happy.  They preoccupy my mind and keep thoughts of Billy at bay and that is what I need right now.

Friday, November 8, 2019

What Would You Do?

Tinkerbell: breakups are rarely because someone doesn't love that person anymore but I would hate to see you make yourself miserable and delay the healing process hoping that she comes back.

Me: I don't hope she comes back but it is like losing two people.  You lose the lover and the friend.

I feel like life is downing me, like I am trying to keep my head above some invisible wave.  I am reaching out to self-help videos, yoga, books and people like life supports.  When I sit back and look around life has not changed.  I have the same job and the same friends.  Only one person is gone from my life and that makes things easier, not harder.

I miss Billy I tell myself, but that is not exactly true.  I miss her presence when I come home but I can hang out with friends.  I miss her soft skin and cuddling up next to her but I can find that with Rose or another girl.

The real problem is I feel alone and exposed.  Exposed!  Billy was my little security blanked and I could curl up with her and hide from the world in a comfortable cocoon of stagnation.  I am exposed to new experiences like yoga and new people and they are all pushing against my issues and it frightens me.  It is this fear I need to release.  This is what they mean when they say let go and live life.  What would you do if you were not afraid?  


Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Where Are You Going

Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
Well, if along the way you are growing weary,
You can rest with me until a brighter day
And you're okay

I am no Superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go is where I wanna be
--Where are you going, Dave Mathews Band

It his been two weeks since I last texted with Billy.  It seems like an age.  She is fading from my memory.  I am creating this new life but I have not begun to fill the void she left behind.  Life moves on but is it better?  The books I read say so.  It is hard to believe some unseen brilliance from within can be better than running my fingers along her porcelain skin.

I do not have a good long term memories for things.  I do not remember much from before my divorce.  I do not know if it is a defense mechanism or if everyone is that way. I do know we have a tendency to reconstruct memories over time.  We fill in the gaps with false details.  I have a hundred blog post about Billy and I, journaled when they occurred.  I am sorry I did not chronicle more of the good times. 

I have spent my live building up defensive walls inside but I cannot protect myself from pain.  I went to great lengths to pull Billy into my life.  I went to great lengths to keep her there.  I thought it would make me happy, that being with her would make me feel loved and safe. 

I cannot find the energy within me.  Is there room for the hopeless romantic within the untethered soul?  I am posting these lyrics here to prevent myself from sending them to her.  Where she goes, is where I want to be.  That is not realistic anymore.  It never was-- but it makes for a beautiful song.

Where are you going, where do you go?
Tell me, where are you going, where?

Let’s go. 

Monday, November 4, 2019

Mall Rats

Sunday Sam and I went to the Twelve Oaks mall. It is a fifty minute drive away.  The crowds at this mall would make you believe that online commerce is not affecting business.  Unlike the malls that are closer to us, this mall is busy.  I drove, Sam declined and instead took on the role of backseat navigator. I was not bothered by her need to direct our route.  I think my navigation skills are declining with age.  I used to let Billy drive when we went up north.  She like to drive and I preferred to control the songs on the radio. 

I was in a bad mood.  Too much time on the weekends to brood.  I was fixated on Ten year old Ford Escapes (Billy's car).  I see them everywhere and even though I know Billy is not the driver it gets my mind going.  The audio version of the Untethered Soul helped me focus and recenter myself today.

At the mall I managed to buy several things, a pair of casual shoes, a pair of jeans, a pair of dress pants and several shirts.  Some of the shirts were so cheap I thought about buy duplicates!  I mean who can pass up a David Bitton Buffalo shirt for $8!

"This is how my life usually goes," I tell Sam as we walked toward the mall entrance.  "I'll be shopping and suddenly there Billy will be with her pack of man haters."  The pack of man haters include her mom, her aunt (mom's twin) and her cousin (aunt's daughter). 

"What do you mean?"

"Remember I told you about the girl long ago I was infatuated with who rejected me?  One day I am shopping at Lakeside in the mens department and I look up and WHAM, she is on the other side of a clothes rack from me.  She wasn't even married at the time."

We did not see Billy.  I was actually able to forget her for a while.  Spending money on myself is more therapeutic then spending it on her.

I have four vacation days left this year.  I do not have any vacation plans and there is only seven work weeks left for me this year.  I could use the vacation days to create long weekends but weekends are hard.  I will have to save one or two for doctor appointments for dad.  Perhaps I can talk Rose into going on a long weekend somewhere.


Friday, November 1, 2019

Halloween

I pulled up to Tinkerbell's condo at 5:45 pm.  Her unit was dark.  She was out dropping off The T-Rex.   He was trick or treating with friends in a nearby neighborhood.  Tink pulled up minutes later and hopped into the Jeep.  She came down with Bells Palsy syndrome ten days ago.  The right side of her face went numb and she was unable to move that side of her face.  Her face is beginning to show signs of life now but it has not returned to normal.

She put eye drops into her right eye as I pulled out onto the road.  She originally wanted me to sign as a witness on her end of life documents but decided I should be a second.  Her boyfriend is first.  She is not talking to her family at the moment.  That usually changes, just like our arguments never last.  

The past three years Billy and I would create costumes and go to my brother's house for Halloween.  The day has me feeling sad.  My emotions are controllable, but still just below the surface.  I find myself wondering what Billy is doing this Halloween and if she is thinking about are times dressing up.  Those days are gone.  Will they ever return?  Am I too old for Halloween?

Tink and I decide on Noodles.  The restaurant is empty on the Halloween night. We order food and sit in a dimly lit area.  Bright light hurts her palsy restricted eye.  She tell me the T-Rex is still afraid of Halloween stores.  She is reminding me of the time we went to the Halloween store on one of our many adventures. 

The T-Rex is a teenager now.  Our adventure days are over.  "I told you, you should have had another one when you had the chance,"  I tell her.  She disagrees. 

 We finish our food and make are way to Mejiers the local all in one store.  Tinkerbell wants to pick up dish washing soap.  I want to look at yoga mats.  The mat I bought for my first day at yoga was too think.  The mats at Mejiers are all pink and purple in color.  I want something more neutral so we decide to go across the street to Target.  

It is like the type of adventure we would have in the past but it is missing that spark of fun.  Perhaps it was my mood or the rainy cold weather.  Here is a story from Halloween past.

Originally Post 9-9-2010
Everyday Adventure

Our days start off with cool mornings now. Before we know it will be fall, but for now the afternoons still get comfortably warm. Most days lately Tinkerbell, the T-Rex and I wind up together. Sometimes it is planned, mostly it is not. Last weekend we traveled the pseudo past of the Michigan Renaissance Festival. It was the first time for the T-Rex. I'm not sure if he was impressed.


Monday it was court, where Tink was trying to restrict visitation from her baby-daddy. She had pretty good cause but the referee did not agree. He denied her motion. We picked up the T-Rex and drowned or sorrows in coney dogs, hamburgers and ice cream.


Tuesday's adventure started out as a simply picking up a cat carrier for "Gary", their cat, who got fixed today. We ended up shopping for Halloween costumes also. Tink bought this white dress with gold accents supposed to be a "goddess" costumes. It looks very hot on her. The big debate was on what type of underwear she was going to wear with it. The dress is very short and will show her ass off during the evening. I think she is more worried about pantie lines than exposing her ass.


"Victoria's Secret could label one of their slips 'goddess' and sell the same thing," I tell her.


The T-Rex did not want to go into any the Halloween stores. He is not very brave when it comes to monsters. We dragged him in anyway. He asked us not to press any buttons (that might activate any of the decorations). We ignored that suggestion too.


I told the T-Rex today his going to school was cutting into our adventuring. I'm glad my work doesn't. Though one day I'm going to find myself out of a job or actually working a job-- either would suck.