Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Mindfulness

Is there something more?  I have signed up for a yoga class.  I am reading books on mindfulness and meditation.  I am seeing the relationship with Billy for what it was.  I miss her less each day.  The void left behind has always been there.  I am trying to fill it from within.  I no long want to conform to my construct of life.

The weather here is unseasonably cold and wet.  Tomorrow is Halloween.  They expect snow.  Yes snow,  on Halloween.  This evening is Devil's Night though I do not expect many devils to be out after dark with the temperatures hovering in the mid forties.  Traffic on the way home is heavy people trying to get home for holiday functions I imagine.  I leave work early also.  I am going to my first yoga class.

I have passed the studio a thousand times.  It is on the edge of a strip mall. The word yoga is in bright inviting neon letters above the door.  It gets good reviews on Yelp.  It seems to be a family run business.  There is an bearded gentleman in his sixties behind the counter.  He explains the basics to me.  The instructor is a solidly built woman around forty.  She has short blond hair and is wearing sweat pants and a tank top.  Her outfit is casual and not worn to impress.

There are a dozen women and one other man in the class.  All of them are dressed casually.  The instructor is friendly.  The names for the positions are unfamiliar to me but the moves are not out of reach. I have decided to stick with it for the rest of the year.  Perhaps I can advance to a different level.

Monday, October 28, 2019

Boring Updates

I am trying to live in the moment.  It can be difficult.  I have been going out with friends.  I don't enjoy bars.  When looking back at the evenings I find them unremarkable.  Sam, Alexis and I went to a local bar Saturday night.  It was loud.  Sam spent most of her time swiping left on Alexis' Tinder account.  Sam doe not have her own.  Sam does not date.

Alexis finds Sam's lack of desire for a relationship bizarre.  It does not surprise me though.  She has been hurt and does not put any effort into dating.  Sam seemed to be trying to sell me on her tenant and friend Lynne.  Sam and I went to the funeral of Lynne's husband Sunday.  While I do think Lynne is attractive, I think she will be in mourning for a bit.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

A Conversation

Billy texted me today.  I guess she saw my email.  She did not say. 

Billy: I hope you are doing okay, Bathwater.  Give Sienna (the cat) a hug for me and hope your trip to China was okay.

Me: I emailed you. It was during a bad day but yes I am okay.  Everyone here is doing good as can be.

Billy: Dad okay?

Me: The trip to China was hard.  I had a hard time focusing on the moment.  dad is in assisted living and physically doing good, just waiting to see what the cancer does.  I miss you Billy.  I hope you are doing good.

Billy: I'm doing alright.

Me: Just alright?

Billy: Yeah, trying to figure things out for myself is pretty stressful.

Me: I have faith in you and I am still here supporting you in my thoughts.

The conversation was a start at healing the breach between us.  It did not ruin my day.  The emotions it stirred rose within me but I was able to release.  I am still moving on.

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

The Good and The Bad-- Samples From the Past

I am working on turning my old blog posts into a novel.  The first hundred pages were simple.  The narrative revolved around Tinkerbell and I.  I have plenty more material that focuses on Billy and I.  There is good and bad.  Below are samples of both but understand these are old post. The last five years Billy and I had a mostly stable relationship but it was hell getting there.

Originally posted Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cheap Chinese

"We have to stop, so I can go pee," she says.

I point out a convenient White Castle up ahead, "go there."

"Was that the entrance?" She asks as we pass the driveway.

"That's okay just pull into the exist like you usually do," I tell her.

"My driving doesn't scare you does it? You wouldn't be sitting in the car if it did."

"I don't pay attention, I keep my eyes focused on the pretty girl sitting next to me." Billy always looks pretty to me.

After the pit stop, we get back into her Explorer and she pulls out into traffic. We swoop up on the tail of another car. "Look at the girl, not at the traffic. Look at the girl, not at the traffic," I start repeating like a mantra and she laughs.

She doesn't like spicy food, she says it makes her sweat, but that doesn't seem to stop her from ordering it. We share a meal of glazed chicken and fried rice. The food is in a carry out tray on the console between us. We share the fork and pick at the broccoli with our fingers, occasionally feeding each other pieces of chicken.

These nights are special to us. The brief moments, the minutes that change the course of the whole day. When I get home I get a text message, "I am exhausted but my insides are still smiling." It refers to how good spending time with me makes her feel. 

Originally posted Wednesday, April 3, 2013


Rock Bottom
It is a post no one wants to hear.  I am documenting it because I want to keep a written record of what has been happening.

Friday night I picked Billy and her new room mate (Lauren) up from the strip club after work.  We dropped Lauren of at the motel and Billy came home with me.

Billy was energetic.  She stayed up till 7:00 am cleaning and primping herself.  Her actions and her fitful sleeping that night told me she was doing crack or coke and not heroin.  Probably because she did not have enough money for heroin.

Billy was exhausted the next day even though I let her sleep in past 1:00 p.m. She even napped an extra hour on the couch after waking.  I took her back to her motel so she could work.  I tried to make her see the light.  She was at rock bottom (or so I thought).  She wanted me to believe she liked living day to day.  "When are you going to stop?" I asked her.


"When the consequences are worse then the dope."


She never made it to work that night and Sunday was Easter the club was closed.  I had plans to watch The T-Res for Tinkerbell Sunday.  I warned Billy she was going to be in trouble and that I wasn't going to help her out.

She was dope sick by Sunday and begging for help on Monday. Suddenly, "things are beginning to get old", she tells me.


I went to see her Monday after multiple pleas for help.  Their motel is a one room upper unit.  Their drug dealer conveniently lives downstairs.  The girls share a bed.  There is a card table with two folding chairs,  a dresser and a refrigerator in the main area.  Billy came outside to talk with me.  I noticed a shiny new black Chrysler 200 parked next to me.  At first I thought it belonged to Lauren's customer. 

When I questioned Billy about the car she said it was Lauren's friend but I figured it out.  It was Kevin's the same addict friend that has been hanging on Billy for over a year.  He was the one who shot her up and missed the vein.  He was the one that took her in when I kicked her out after her second failed rehab stay.  I warned her if I saw him I was going to beat his ass.  Billy didn't take me seriously.  I'm not violent by nature.


Billy went to the drug dealers room.  I went up to her room.  Lauren was at the door.  I slid past her.  Kevin was sitting in one of the flooding chairs one the table was a gross collection of drug paraphernalia, dirty needles, a burnt spoon, a small metal container for holding coke.
  

I crossed over to Kevin, grabbed him by the throat and pinned him against the wall.  "I am sick and tired of seeing your drug addicted ass around Billy. "  I raised my fist.  "You loose her fucking number you understand me!"


"There is no need to get violent."  He croaked out.

  My fingers were digging into his neck. I wanted to take out my frustration on his face. "Yes there is, "  I squeezed his neck harder and pressed his head deeper into the corner of the wall.  He was like a rag doll in my grip.  "You are lucky I don't beat your ass right now."  My blood was pumping and I pulled a punch.  "Loose her number.  If I see you have been around her again I will beat your ass next time." 


Kevin picked up his earphones that had fallen out of his ears and headed out the door.  I watched from the balcony to make sure he did not try to call or say anything to Billy as he left.  

Lauren had disappeared during the exchange, probably telling Billy what was happening.  She came back upstairs while I was watching Kevin leave. "What was that about?" She asks.


"I'm tired of that asshole hanging around Billy enabling her, I've been wanting to do that for a long time." 


"I've only meet him twice," She expressed her dislike of the guy.  "He came here today trying to get us to hook him up with a dealer."


Billy returned,  "Bathwater you can't be starting shit here."  She didn't seem especially mad.


"I warned you Billy."


"I didn't think you were serious." 


Since that day Billy has lost her job at the club, probably Lauren too.  There are at least a half dozen other strip clubs within a few miles of that motel but there is no money to be made at any of the others.  Lauren's customer paid for the first week at the motel.  He isn't paying anymore.
  

Billy has an appointment to get on Suboxone Tuesday, but that is a week away.  I have no idea how she will make it till then.  She has at least a $200 a day habit.  Then there is rent and food.  I told her she needs to move back home.  She seems reluctant to leave Lauren.  Lauren needs to go back to her own parents.  I've already refused a request for them to stay with me for a few days.
  

I've kept my distance as much as I can. I am going back to Mexico next week.  I am hoping she has had enough and is back home with her parents when I return.

Untethered Soul

I have been learning.  Grief is the best motivator to learning about yourself.  I have read a few books recently.  "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment...", "The Untethered Soul", and "Running on Empty".  I recommend all three.  None of them have all the answers but they are giving me incite into who I am.

I am working toward becoming more mindful.  I still have more to learn.  I want to release myself from my fears and move beyond grief and pain.  The Untethered Soul has opened my eyes to a new way of thinking about things.  It short on how to achieve some of the things it teaches but it gives me a starting point.

Billy did not respond to my email yet.  I hope she does not see it.  I am in a better place today and would not have sent it.  One thing that has come to me as I have grown older, life is about learning.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Slipped

I blame it on jet lag, Chinese sleep deprivation torture.  Rejection stirs up rejection.  Last night I was supposed to meet a girl off that Seeking website. I picked Fishbones a restaurant that would be equal distance for both of us. I waited an hour. She never showed.  Her text messages went silent.  Her phone went direct to voicemail.  The waitress tried to make light of my discomfort but I was not in the mood for banter.  The waitress was high strung and spewed words like a meth addict.  There was no pause for conversation. 

The need to contact Billy has been strong over the past week.  The trip to China did not help.  Last night I was really low and I emailed her.   I tell myself do not want her back but who can tell what I would do if the opportunity arose. Last night was a struggle.  I wanted her to know I was hurting and maybe I wanted her to hurt a bit too.  Here is what I sent her.

They say i should not talk to you.  They say it will only make things worse.  I am not sure that is possible.  Most days I hate you lately.  Most days I am on the verge of tears.  I think about you all the time.  I see your shadow in every corner of this house.  I cannot erase you.  You loved me so much and it made me whole.  Then you didn't anymore and it hurts me.  My mind pleads with my to reach out to the one who can take away the pain but she does not exist anymore.

I am trying, because that is all I can do.  It is suppose to get easier, but it only seems to get harder.  And there is nothing you can say, and nothing you can do.   I know I'm my heart you still love me.  I know that you miss me.  I like to believe that some days you struggle too. It just doesn't change anything.

But I miss you Billy

Maybe she will not see it.  Maybe it will get buried in the spam that fills her email.  The act of sending her the email was soothing itself.  I don't want to hate her but, I really don't want to talk to her either.

Friday, October 18, 2019

China and Back

So I have been gone a week.  I went to China and back.  We took off from Detroit and landed in Beijing twelve hours later.  The sun chased us across the sky along our journey but the foreboding clouds in the Chinese capital kept the sun at bay.  I do not adjust well to the cultural differences.  I find the lack of personal freedoms and personal space intrusive.  We took a day to visit the Forbidden City.  The crowds were large and rude by western standards.

The rest of my time was spent in Qinhuangdao.  A resort city of the coast of Bo Hai Sea which flows into the Yellow Sea.  My hotel was on the water.  There was a spectacular view from my room on the eighteenth floor.  You looked out onto the water.  Below me were manicured garden paths leading down to a winding boardwalk and beach. 

The weather was mild.  The tourists were gone for the season.  I saw few people on the beach.  It would be a nice spot for a vacation.  But this was a work trip and we spent our days at various manufacturing facilities while taking in a few of the local sites.  There were no woman readily available to entertain businessman.  No bar at the hotel.
 
My host spent a lot of time trying to feed me.  I was a disappointment.  Food holds no interest for me, especially seafood.  Their seafood is all work.  Giant shrimp with shell tentacles and eyes still intact and small crabs both leave a pile of waste on your plate for little meat. 

I found myself with a lot of alone time.  That is never good.  My thoughts would return to Billy.  On my previous trips to China I would be communicating with her constantly.  I longed to reach out to her.  As time passes I find myself hating her more but missing the relationship we had.  If she were in front of me would I still be able to hate her?  I do not know the answer.  They say time heals all wounds but do you ever get back what you had?

This trip was so uneventful I cannot stretch it into multiple posts.  Yes I stood on the Great Wall.  Yes I saw some interesting things but the shroud over my heart does not allow them to reach me.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to be free of me thoughts.  I wanted what I no longer had.

I do not like that she still occupies so much of my thoughts and so much of this blog.  I know in my heart she is missing me too.  People have been saying you cannot replace one person with another.  It feel like she has done that.  

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Grieving

Rose steps out of her car and enters the house through the garage.  she is wearing a faded pair of jeans a forest green top that faux ties at the waist.  My eyes are drawn to the curve of the her waist and the pale white skin that is exposed there.  She is not wearing a bra. She never wears a bra and I can clearly see the outline of her nipples pressing against the thin material of her top.

We sit on the couch and we talk.  She is content to listen to me ramble.  She is very easy to be around.  She is calculatedly attentive and we caress each others hands and legs while we talk.

I unleash a steady stream of stories while occasionally trying to pull some from her.  She is evasive about herself.  She lies about herself.   She has always lied, because the truth is either too embarrassing or too painful.  I would like to here the truth.  It would not change the way I think of her.  I save each grain of truth she does reveal to slowly paint a complete picture.

"You know everything about me Rose."  I tell her.  "I don't hold anything back. My ex-girlfriend is a heroin addict.  What could be worse than that?  If I killed someone I would probably tell you."

"I would help you bury the body."  She tell me with giggle.  Her remark leads me off into a story about dreams and dead bodies, My story ends in me saying maybe THAT was to much information.

She excuses herself to use the bathroom.  I put on a selection of Dave Mathews Band songs to set the mood.  When she comes back she straddles my lap and sways to the music.  Rose takes off her top and allows me to caress her bare torso.  After a time she stands in front of me and takes off her jeans.  She is wearing a pink lace thong beneath.

She let out light moans as she moves against me.  They are more show than reality, but they have the same affect.  She alternates facing toward me with facing away, and leaning back against me.  Her grinding becomes more intense and I am fully erect.  She allows my hand to slip down between her thighs and now our bodies are moving in unison.  My hands are on her thighs and I hold her tightly against me as I release.

Things slow and we lay on the couch together after.  She is in no hurry to leave.  I lower my voice and continue talking as she closes her eyes.  I tell her I want this to be a place she can go to get away from her drama.  Before she leaves I tell her, "We can work out an arrangement, whatever way makes you comfortable.  You just have to tell me what you want."

Next morning I am reluctant to leave my bed.  I find myself missing Billy more than usual.  My mind begins to compare Rose and Billy.  It is a ridiculous exercise. They are both young and beautiful.  I thought Rose would be a good distraction to shift my thoughts away from Billy. Our physical contact just reminded me what I was missing.

I think about the softness of Billy's skin and I breakdown. The urge to reach out to her was very strong this morning.  I almost gave into the need.  My mind and body are hurting and she is the cure I desperately want but she is out of reach.

Rose is nice and she likes hanging out with me, but Billy loved me once, and I am still grieving the loss of that love.

Rose

Sam says I should do whatever it takes to get through these days and I try.  I painted the bedrooms, got new carpets and stripped the house of all things linked to Billy.  That was in September.  I am saving further painting for the winter.  I am trying to meet someone new.   Perhaps I am trying too hard.  I have been texting with a dancer from back when I spent many nights at the Penthouse club.  I was a regular at the club before Billy and I became a steady couple.  It is where I meet Billy.

I have known Rose longer than Billy, but she is still a mystery.  I have always had a soft spot for her.  She is pretty.  One of those people that never ages.  She looks the same at twenty-nine as she did at nineteen.  She is working at Colosseum but the strip clubs in the city are not the same anymore.  The city is cracking down on the clubs.  The city shutdown the Penthouse Club and dancers at Colosseum need to maintain a six inch distance from customers at all times.  "Six inches?"  I comment to her. "I might as well just watch porn."

Rose suggested we could meet up outside the club.  She is coming over tonight.  I pulled this from my achieves in honor of the occasion.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Rose By Any Other Name

I am sitting in a corner deep in the back of the club, away from the stage, and away from dancers. I came to talk with my favorite Eastern European Waitress Milla. New at her job she lacks the jaded veneer the club gives a person. She is unsure she has what it takes to make it. She looks the part, like a young Katie Holmes, but still has that deer trapped in the headlights look to her-- of course we were instant friends.

Milla is sitting with me when a school of shot girl piranhas swarm us. Shot girls are the worst money leeches in any strip club. This bar's are exceptionally bad. They can pull $50 out of you before you know where their watered down liquor went. I am trying to politely dismiss them when I see Rose walk down stairs onto the stage. She caught my eye and I wagged a finger at her.

I extract myself from the grip of the shot girls and go to talk to Rose. "You know how many Amish communities I went to looking for you? It's not like I could call them either, because they don't have phones."

"Oh, whatever!" She replies, crouching down beside.

"Not to mention the Armenian mob, I still got bullet holes healing from that and you didn't even send flowers."

She plays along. "I did send flowers your dead neighbor's ghost probably stole them."

She get a smirk out of me. "Seriously, what happened to you?"

She shrugs, her big doe-eyes looking at me straight on. "I don't know."

"Come see me when you get off stage."

She avoided me at first.  It did not make sense. Milla, my waitress, keeps stopping by. I tolt her the whole story between Rose and I earlier. "Don't let it bother you," she said.

I could not help it. "It does. It doesn't make sense. I only know of two girls that really hate me, my ex and that tall dark haired shot girl."

Later I catch Milla and Rose talking by the stairs. I don't know what was said. I wrap my arms around Rose's waist before she can get away. "I was just going that way, " she assures me.

"Sure you were."

We quibble good-natured all the way back to my table in the corner. We talk for a while than I ask her again what happened to her.

"I just freaked out, I got scared. It is not that I didn't want to go, I just freaked. Don't you remember what it was like to be my age?" Her eyes glisten as if on the verge of tears and I fell the sincerity in her words.

I say, "Look I like our whole dancer, customer relationship thing we got going here. You don't have to make false promises to keep me around."

She assures me that is not it. The rest of the night continued very un-dancer like. We go upstairs and continue talking. She asks if I have seem Clash of the Titans yet. I say no, we should go see it. If someone calls me and asks to be taken to the movies, I will make it happen. She says she will, except that she would pay.

As we head back downstairs, she gets called onstage. I hand her some money and say wait I still owe you $20. I did not expect to get dances that night so only had a few dollars in my front pocket. The rest was in my wallet which was buttoned down in my back pocket.

"Forget it." She says.

"No. That's not right."

"I'll come by your table."

She came back to the table but was reluctant to take the money. She said she would text me later and she did. We are supposed to go to the movies this Thursday. So we will see. Those eyes are hard to resist. 

Monday, October 7, 2019

Evil Thoughts

I desperately need a distraction.  I need someone to help take my mind off of Billy.  I am slipping and she is slipping.  I have been good.  I have not text Billy since this text exchange,  but I want to text her.

The psychic said I can tell when Billy is having a bad day without actually talking to her.  Perhaps there is some truth too that.  I know she is broke.  she is down to the last $100 in her bank account with three days till pay day.

I feel so far removed from her.  Is that a cooping mechanism?  I miss lying next to her but I cannot remember how it felt.

I am torn.  Part of me wants her to fail.  Part of me wants her to come running back to me.  I am not sure why.  Fantasies play out in my head.  Billy coming to me for money. Her and I sleeping together.  Me sending a picture of her naked body to her new boyfriend with a the words, "Enjoying your little addict still?  She will never be just yours.  Not while she is using.  Not unless you are willing to support her.  You will never know how many people she is sleeping with, but it won't be just you."

That is something the old me would do.  Back in the early days when Billy and I would fight.  We were mean.  Reading back the words I just typed, I realize I know them to be true because they were true for me.

Why would I want her back?  I do not.  I want them both to hurt.  Like I hurt.

I desperately need a distraction.  Friday I am traveling to China for a week.  I just need to make it to Friday.

Positive affirmation:  "I am the master of my anxiety.  Anxious thoughts will not control my actions."

The Visit

Saturday was a beautiful fall day.  I pulled up into a driveway in the neighborhood of identical condos where my dad has his own.  This driveway belonged to a neighbor.  Mary is an eighty-six year old woman.  She considers my dad one of her best friends.  It is a cute relationship.

Mary is still getting ready when I arrive.  She is adds the final touch of hair spray and puts on a sweater.  She is in good spirits.  She has not seem my dad in over a month.  I escort her out to the Jeep.  The height of my lifted vehicle is our first obstacle.  She cannot lift her legs high enough to get in the passenger seat.  "Do you think the back will be easier?"  She asks.

"I don't think so, Mary. Give me a second, I'll be right back."  I take off toward my fathers house at quick trot and return with a grey plastic step.  This gives her the six inches she needs to get into the Jeep.

She asks if we can stop at the Krispy Kreme to pick up some donuts.  "Your father likes donuts you know."

"Yes I know."  We roll through the drive thru and pull into the assisted living facility.  I park up front between to parked vehicles to minimize Mary's walk.  I get out and run around to get the step in place.  She waits by the door while I move the Jeep into a regular parking space.  Mary has a limited range without her walker.  She did not want to take it for this trip.  Father's room is on the second floor but the distance is not too far.  I hold her hand the last few yards just to help her.

We knock on the door and enter.  My dad is waiting in his wheel chair.  He is dressed and his hair is combed.  It does not matter how old you are you still want to look good for a date.  I notice his room is clean and straightened.  I plop myself into the green recliner in the corner and allow the two to talk.

They chat for an hour before it is time for his dinner.  My dad planned it that way.  He is reluctant to have Mary visit.  I think he is embarrassed by his decline.  Six months ago he was driving himself around.  I had to push the issue and offer to take her myself. 

The visit makes Mary happy.  He looks better.  She tell me he never discusses his cancer.  He is very private. I tell her he has stage four esophageal cancer.  I think she should know the extent of his cancer.  He probably thinks he is protecting her.  I think he should cherish these moments while he is still feeling good.

I drop Mary back home.  I reminder that it is not out of my way to take her back again once I return from China. 

Sam says she hates old people.  She is dealing with a difficult dad and a mother with cancer.  It is hard on her.  I sympathize with them.  They still have drive to live but the body and mind do not always cooperate.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Conversations on Plenty of Fish

The latest conversation on Plenty of Fish dating site, with subtext for added enjoyment.

Me: You have any fun plans for the weekend?

Potential: No

(She is starting off sounding so exciting.)

Me:We what do you like to do?  Do you like the outdoors?

Potential: It's alright.

(What could possible be wrong with the outdoors in Michigan in the summer and fall!)

Me: That doesn't sound to promising?  You need your vitamin D :).

Potential: Yeah, lol

Me: So if it isn't the outdoors, where do you spend your time?

Potential: I just stay home

(I am texting Howard Hughs, apparently)

Me: You need some adventure in your life!  There is a whole world outside!

Potential:  I know.

(There are soooo many ways she could have taken my opening.  At this point I am losing my patience.)

Me:Well what would you like to try?  and what has kept you from it?

Me:  It would be a shame to go through all the pain of a face lift and not let anyone see it.

(Yes she states in her profile she just got a face lift!)

Potential: I thought about that.

Me: Andddddd what would you like to do?  Anxiety holding you back?

Potential: Yes!

(Great way to expose your best qualities, but now I am intrigued)

Me: Bad former relationship?  You say you are going to be going back to school are you nervous about that

Potential: Omg, yes on the school! I'm so nervous about it.  I have a hard time around people because most don't have common sense and I get angry and annoyed.

Me:Well it will be good to learn a bit of patience.

(Much like me in this conversation)

Potential: I'm working on that lol. Ur funny.

Me: Well I figure you should be yourself on here.  No use sugar coating my personality, it would come out once you meet me.  so tell me more about you.

Potential: Not much to tell, I'm pretty boring.  Kinda lost touch with what I like or don't.  I want to maybe talk to you before I agree to meet.  Met some serious weirdos on here.  Not that you are.  I know a lot of POF about women too.

At this point I feel a bit sorry for her but not a bit interested in here.  Next!

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Commit

I have been reading old post.  This is my fourth blog.  The other three are achieved.  I have been arranging the best of the over 1800 posts into a novel that chronicles my post divorce life, my relationships with Tinkerbell, Billy, depression and how I have changed.  It is the tale of a lonely man find companionship in strip clubs and how he learns to live again.  The old blogs are achieved because it is too easy for people to find you on the internet.  I do not want a potential employer or a potential new girlfriend reading about my past and judging.

Just today I read an article about a company turning down a potential intern for a bikini picture she post on Instagram.  It seem excessive.  I do not understand why people still find it necessary to post on Facebook or Instagram.  I do not have a Facebook account.  I use Instagram to follow about seventy-five of the hottest girls on the web.  The eye candy is nice to look at, but I would never post anything.

Plenty of Fish is starting to produce a couple of conversations but no dates so far. I to one potential woman, "It would be nice to meet you before I have to travel to China in the coming weeks".

Her response was not very promising.  She was pretty busy this weekend.  It is her grandson's birthday. "Sure I will try to do that..." .  I was thinking a kids birthday is going to consume your entire weekend?

My reply was a bit stronger than my usual, "I don't know you yet, so I am not judging and I am guilty of this too when faced with meeting someone new.  It is easy to let things slip and not commit to a first meet.  I used to feel a lot of trepidation.  It is best to just pick a day and commit an hour or things just fizzle and you miss the chance to meet that person on the other side who might just be pretty cool."

Do you think I was to harsh?  If you are on a dating site you should be on there to meet people right?

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Unbalanced Sheet

My mind needs to start focusing on the negatives about Billy.  We often repaint our history in a favorable light.  I need to remember no matter how much I miss her, or the relationship, she came with a lot of baggage.

-Billy is a heroin addict, she has almost continuously used for 9 years and does not show any signs of being able to quit.  She could get a bad dose of fentanyl and die at anytime.

-She has bad credit that will cost a few thousand to repair.

-She has arrest warrants for skipping out on probation. A traffic stop will cause her to go to jail.

-She has the appetite of an anorexic.  She left looking unhealthy and thin.  The drugs, her diet and the demands of being an electrician are aging her.

-Her habit makes traveling problematic.

-All her money goes to drugs.  She is a financial drain that cannot take care of herself.

-She still see a customer from her stripper days to fund her habit. She never discusses the details but at $400 a meeting, I doubt it is platonic.

-She comes with drama.  All it takes is her car to break down, her dealer to get put in jail, the dope to dry up or her customer she still sees not to give her money to seen her life into turmoil.

-She has an avoidant relationship style, she does not communicate and is too attached to her family to create a traditional household.

-I no longer want to feel responsible for enabling her.

All this paints her in a very negative light.  My conscious is urging me to balance it with her positive attributes but the relationship is over.  This is an exercise in letting go. I do not want anyone who reads this to think horrible of her.  She is a good person, with an addiction, who made bad choices.  I loved her-- which means there is more to her these cons.

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Swipe

I am spending my days swiping left and right and repeating the same tired opening lines.  "How was your weekend?"  "I like to go biking and kayaking what about you?"  Conversations fizzles, women disappear.  I can see the fruits of my labors in my sent box, unread deleted, unread.  Those that do seem to like me are not my type.  I am 5' 10" 158 lbs.  If the weigh as much as me, I am not going to be attracted.  Our lifestyles won't match.  It says active and health conscious in my profile!

All the sites have scammers fishing.  I have prostitutes soliciting me on Plenty of Fish and pseudo college students who just want to chat on Seeking.  I am using four different dating apps.  I amt trying to be active.  Thinking it is all just a waste of time.

It is getting harder to get out of bed.  I don't want to go dormant and fall back on old ways.  Billy is becoming a memory but I memory that resurfaces occasionally.

Sam and I met up for dinner last night.  I indicated her neighbor in the red corvette was acting strangely.  She assured me he owned the house.  Our conversation turned to my luck with dating sites.  "I am looking for age appropriate women,"  I assure her.  "But I don't think age appropriate will practice using the hula- hoop topless in the living room."

"That's not normal."  she tells me.

"Yeah well, Billy did."