What a Difference an Afternoon Makes

Said to me this week.

Tiny:  After meeting you I cannot see you being with someone your own age.  You are young at heart. Most people your age are boring.  They have given up.


Saturday I went over to Tinkerbell's condo and helped her and her boyfriend paint the deck.  We all share a similar sense of humor and for a few hours, the pressures of living with the threat of a virus were forgotten.  It was a beautiful day and the work went well. 

My air conditioner was not working last week.  Before calling in a repairmen I went on line to make sure it was nothing easy.  I could not find anything I had done wrong.  It turned out to be a bad relay switch in the unit.  I recommended the repairmen to Tinkerbell.  Her air conditioner never worked.  She never bothered getting it repaired.

"Before you call him let me take a look at it.  I have learned a few things,"  I told her.  I took the thermostat off and discovered it was wired wrong.  I switched one wire and replaced the thermostat and the unit clicked on.

"You telling me all those nights I sweltered upstairs and all that was wrong was a wire?"  Tinkerbell's boyfriend asked.  He took it with a good sense of humor but Tink assured me he would never let that go.


"If you are depressed you are living in the past.  If you are anxious you are living in the future.  If you are at peace you are living in the present."

And Then Summer Began

Things are starting to open up here in Michigan.  Friends are starting to talk about going on vacation to northern towns in the coming months.  I do not have any such plans.  My close friends are couples.  That worked out fine when I was with Billy but now I am alone.  I feel like what the Psychic said is not true.  It is more like a metaphor what my life is become.

My conversation with the girl faded out.  No truths were reviled.  No reasons were given.  I think the Gymnast is back in town but she is being strangely silent.  The government is giving the poorest $900 a week.  Few girls are looking to make extra money.  If they are it is because they are in dire need like an addiction problem. 

I am not looking forward to things going back to this semi open state.  I went to the office yesterday for a few hours.  I wore a mask and carried sanitary wipes the entire time. I avoided touching communal areas. I met with customers at a distance.  They all wore masks.  The entire experience gives me a false anxiety.  I stopped caring about the virus weeks ago.  I have stopped caring about a lot of things.

I just wanna stay in the sun where I find
I know it's hard sometimes
Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind
I know it's hard sometimes
Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it's fun to fantasize
All my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was
But it's fun to fantasize

Oh, ohI'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride...Ride, 21 Pilots

I BeenThinking to Much

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)...I  Miss You, Blink 182

It is songs like this that still bring a lump in my throat.  This weekend I hung out with a few friends.  I rode my bike a few times and took the top and doors off the Jeep.  I am being socially selective of who I am hanging around.  I would say I was around 8 to 10 people this weekend.  That isn't really a lot over the course of three days but when you figure each of them has been near 8 to 10 people the contact tracing can become impossibly complicated very quickly.


Jules asked, what is my version of happiness. I think happiness is found in moments.  A bike ride with a friend.  An intimate hug.  A shared glance.  The more of these positive moments we string  together, the happier we feel.  When we are devoid of these moments.  We relive them from our past or we fantasize about future moments in an attempt to make us feel better.

I am here in the loft, in this climate controlled condo connected to 12 other units, in this neighborhood of 10 similar buildings.  As the circle expands to the adjacent subdivision it includes hundreds of people but like the particles of an atom there is an expanse between us.

Nine Years Ago

Today I am stuck in the past.  It was nine years ago today that Billy and I first met.  An unplanned coincidence brought me into the Penthouse Club in the afternoon.  She was a dancer that only worked day shift. It was the Friday before Memorial weekend.  She was so young and pretty.   In a perfect world we would never of met, never loved each other and never left permanent traces of ourselves on each other.  I am at a loss of words to describe those nine years, but they changed me.

I found this in my achieves.  I wrote it just before I ended my last blog.  It was about the time Billy and I started living together.

Don't Look for Normal (Partial)
Originally Posted- Thursday, January 30, 2014

Shit I don't know anymore.  What is normal? 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

I was thrown down the one less traveled,

Like an infant down a well

Frightened, and lost I struggled to find my return

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

The years pass, the leaves grow well trodden by my passing

I was thrown down the road less traveled, by

And that has made all the difference.

Inspired by Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken

I was a married father with three children, big house, three cars and a six figure job.  I wasn't happy and I didn't really know what people were all about.  Ten years have passed since my divorce,I make less money, both my best friend and my girlfriend are strippers... still think I am better off.

21 Days to Work With

I went into the office today.  I turned in an expense report right before we started sheltering in place, and it got lost.  The company owes me $405.00.  I had to go in and find my receipts so I could recreate the report.

There are a lot of cars on the road.  Makes me wonder where all these people are going if we are still under the shelter in place order.  The thirty-minute drive was the longest I've taken in weeks.  Hard to believe I used to drive it every day.  Already the memories fade.  What do they say? It takes a minimum of 21 days to start a new behavior.  Well, we certainly surpassed that minimum.

I saw a few people in the office. No one was actually wearing a mask except me, but no one was actually close to anyone else.  There are going to be different levels of adherence to the guidelines depending on people's opinions.

In the center of Michigan, damns are failing, and there is widespread flooding.  I am not a religious man, but isn't this how they describe the end of times?  Plague, famine, and floods?

In case you haven't noticed, I have not been very cheerful lately. No, it is not because I haven't gotten laid lately.  The last 12 months have just been one thing after another.  Billy left in August, I had those pains throughout December, dad died at the end of January, and now I have been sheltering since March.  Honestly, the next 12 months don't look much better.

A Day in April

Tink and her son are living with her boyfriend on the other side of town but she still comes back to her condo to do work on it several times a week.  She is not working and she gets bored easily.

Tinkerbell:  Hey I am heading to the condo in few.

Bathwater:  Today is not Wednesday.  (The day she said she would be back.)

Tinkerbell:  No but today is a shitty day outside so I am going to try hanging those shelves.

Bathwater:  You are so bored!  Let me know when you get there.

Tinkerbell: Okay, I will pick you up.  You can come to Lowes with me. (which I am sure was her intention all along.)

I packed my drill and tool belt and waited for Tink to arrive.  She pulled up in her black Kia Rio and I place my tools on the passenger floor and slid into the passenger seat.

Tink wore paint stained black sweats, the only out fit I have seen her in lately, with knee high rubber boots and her full length puffy winter coat.  Her wavy hair was held in a loose bun on the top of her head.  She was the personification of not caring about her appearance.

"Its a little warm for that jacket isn't? "  I remarked as we got out of the car. 

"It was cold this morning!" The overcast morning was muggy and cool but not winter jacket cold.

Lowes had a regular amount of foot traffic.  I noticed mask wearing is not taken seriously by everyone.  We picked up what we needed and head for her condo.  I installed a light fixture and several shelves. 

It was nice to be around someone and talking for a while.  Much like the blog, I don't have to sensor my life around Tink.  Her condo is looking good.  Once the restrictions are lifted she will be able to rent it.

Quandary

I continued lock down this weekend.  Rainy weather made it easy to stay inside.  The Gymnast made it to Arizona.  So far it looks like them just doing a bunch of driving.  Saturday I had another dream about Billy.  I wish they would stop.

So I find myself in a bit of a quandary.  I have been chatting with a few girls on line on Seek Arrangements.  It is a dating site where you can find anything from woman who want to date older men to prostitutes and girls that want to be keep.  It is where I found the Gymnast.  I started a new account and I said my age was 50 not 55 because none of those girls I have met on their think I am 55 and the lower number gets you better results.  That isn't my quandary.

The problem is I starting texting with a girl on there who wants to date an older guy but isn't looking to be kept.  She actually seems pretty cool.  We have a lot of common interests. She is 29 and the age difference would be steep if I was 50.  I am afraid 55 would be a deal breaker.  She will find out eventually should I let it ride or tell her now?  It would be too bad.  She is most interesting person I have spoken too on a dating site.  We haven't met yet though, perhaps there is no physical chemistry.

What do you think?  Let it ride a bit longer or reveal it now?

Another Dream

Last night I dreamed I was trying to convince Billy to stay with me.  It was a reply of our final days in the real world in a stretched out switched location way that happens in dreams.  In the dream as in real life she declined.  I woke with a tightness in my chest and feeling stress.  If I am dreaming about it, what is the chances I will be able to resist letting her back into my life if the opportunity presents itself?

I don't want that.  She had everything I could offer her and she throw it away.  If she didn't realize that then, she will not realize it in the future.  I don't forgive her.  I never will. 

Yesterday I went over Alexis' house and she cut my hair.  My desire to quarantine is waning.  Things will not be going back to normal anytime soon and I am not very happy about it.  I have been trying to be more charming on the dating site Bumble.  I have been talking to a few women but it is not going anywhere.  I think a big part of it is because I don't give a fuck.  I am really interested in either of the women I am talking with.  Just another week inside my capsule.

Updates

The Gymnast and the Gypsy have decide to go on a road trip to Arizona.  A rather foolish 29 hour drive to be taking right now if you ask me.  No one did.  So I didn't offer an opinion.  They have to be back by the end of the month for the Gypsy's court date.

Tinkerbell called and asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's with her. I jumped at the chance to get out of the house. I earlier I could not remember the last time I went anywhere.  Looking back it would be the day I looked at the truck. That would be a week ago!  No wonder I am getting a bit depressed.

I like hanging out with Tink.  It reminds me of the days we used to hang out all the time.  These trips are shorter, but she is still one of the few people I can talk to for hours and not get bored.  Lowe's was not crowded.  There were no lines at the door waiting to get inside.  Everyone wore a mask.  It is a strange new world we will be opening up too come June. 

The Weather here is starting to get warmer...again.  I hope we get some 70 degree days soon. I would like to go ride some trails on my bike.

I took my friend Sam's bike to the shop today also.  She has not ridden in three years.  It needed a tun-up.  I did a curbside drop off.  The owner of the small bike shop said he could not get his employees to come back.  They were making too much on unemployment.  I think this is true for a lot of people out there.  There should be a better way to get the economy rolling than paying people more money to sit home than to work.  If I made more staying at home than working you can be damn sure I wouldn't be in a hurry to go back.  Of course this also says something about the state of wages in this country but now I am digressing.

Aquamarine

I am sitting in the spare bedroom at the Lego table building what, I am told, looks like an abandon factory.  The table is 4 ft by 7 ft.  I made it myself, from laminated white press board and an old bed frame.  Several models are scattered over it and plastic bins filled with Lego parts are tucked beneath. About 10:30 p.m. Sienna, my cat quickly moves from siting next to me to hiding in the corner under the table. Her sudden change is a clear indication that someone is here.

The Gymnast walk through the door quietly a few moments later.  "I stopped to use your hand sanitizer," she tells me.  She takes off her jacket, places her bright blue back pack on the floor and sits on the bed.  She is wearing light grey camo patterned sweat pants and a grey polo shirt that has been converted into a crop top.  The bottom third of her blond hair is dyed an aquamarine.

"It has been a weird few days she," she says.  "First Gypsy gets arrested and then my ex boyfriend's cousin OD's on heroin."  She tells me about Gypsy's arrest.  Typical young people foolishness involving sex and drugs.  Parked in a car when they should be quarantined at home. Gypsy and her are close but they are not lovers.  Looking back I can remember having friendships like that when I was her age.

I get up to get her a water.  When I return she is in my chair intently adding pieces to my creation.  "Your factory is growing carrots.  Do you have any more of these?"  She asks holding up a green plastic vine piece. 

"If you find one of anything, you can usually be assured you'll find at least three more."  I dig several more out of a container on the table.

"Here I made you a little tower to guard the place from beasts."  She places her creation on the plate along side my own.

"I'll get you a beast," I reply and enthusiastically race to the hall to grab the dragon I made a few weeks ago and placing it into the display. 

"Okay don't start showing off!"

We head downstairs to play video games for a while.  We play a few games of Call of Duty Zombies and Borderland before heading upstairs.  "You have a towel we can put down?"  she asks me. "I am still bleeding."  

"Just grab a red one from the cabinet," I say to her while she is in the bathroom.  For me the night is not about the sex, it is about being close to someone. I spend as much time resting my chin on her belly and talking, as I do going down or her.  After we have sex, we watch about half of the movie "Super 8" before she rolls onto her side and begins to snore.

In the morning, after a few sips of coffee in bed she says, "For as cuddly as you profess to be you are really not so much at night."

"I try to give you your space.  I don't want you elbowing me in the middle of the night. If it was up to me, I would be like this." I spoon up behind her, wrap my arm around her and gentle cup her right breast. 

We are both naked from the waist up.  She rolls over, wraps her thigh over my torso and rests her head on my bare chest.  We linger this way and continue taking.  No topic is off limits.  She tells me about Europe and about the career she wants to pursue.  She is going away again for a few weeks.  The virus is not stopping her from enjoying life.  "I pay you too good,"  I chide her, but really I envy her.  I feel trapped in my own malaise. I would love to get away with her somewhere.  Just not now.  Not with the world the way it is, I am afraid to venture outside.

The Gymnast knows I am still hung up on Billy.  I don't try to hide it from her.  There is no reason, we are not lovers we are friends with benefits.  She understands the relationship I had with Billy, her own was like that. "Everyday there is the adrenaline of some new drama going on," she states, describing both relationships perfectly.  "Maybe you just need someone new to forget about the old one."

"I have someone," I say, tapping my index finger against her forehead.

She stays till noon.  Sliding between my legs and going down on me before we clean up and dress.  It is a safe arrangement.  She checks her drama at the door.  I am fond of her but I am not in love.  I don't want to be in love with anyone.  I don't think she does either.  I remember what being in love is like, the irrational behavior and emotional turmoil it brings. It is not safe to fall in love with a beautiful woman. Love comes with a price. A lesson I have failed to heed in the past.

Is the Gymnast good for me?  I do not know.  Probably not.  Girls never are but being alone can be just as bad.

A Call

Billy started back to work on Thursday.  Back to work and away from the new boyfriend's jealous eyes, she called me Friday.  She is sure she had the virus back in late March/early April when she was sick although she was never tested.  She is lives close to the city of Detroit and travels into the city to buy her drugs. I think she is probably right.  She is not clean but she says she is only using about six packs a day.  That is over a $400 a week habit, but half of what she was using before.  I suggested maybe it was time for her to take that final step and get on Suboxone and to get of the illegal stuff.  She said she wanted to wait until the issues with the virus have died down.  I think she is afraid of letting it go.

She said it is worse for her when she doesn't hear from me.  She is always wonders how I am. "Figured you would appear eventually," I told her.

She sounds happy. I have mixed feelings about that.  I know we can never be a couple again.  I would never trust her. She would end up leaving again and I am tired of watching her killing herself.  It was time for us to part.  I should want her to be happy.  Maybe if I was happy I would want that for her. 

I just don't know what would make me happy.  I do know I am lonely.  It isn't a new truck or an acrobatic fuck buddy that only shows when she wants.

The Gymnast and the Gypsy

I decided against getting the truck at this time.  I will wait until things are safer economically.  I do not think the deals will be going away any time soon with so many people unemployed. 

The Gymnast was supposed to come over yesterday afternoon.  I received this text around 1:30 p.m.

Gymnast: Okay, so I've been up all night.  I'll still come to see you but not till later.  I have to bail Gypsy out of jail.  (Gypsy is the female friend she went to Europe with).

Bathwater:  I am sure there is a good story there.

Gymnast:  I wasn't even with her.  I was home in bed and got a call at like 1:00 a.m.

Bathwater: Well, good, you don't need to be going back to jail.  Of course, neither does she.  What was she doing?

Gymnast:  She was parked smoking, and someone called the cops on her.  They found one pill in her car.

Later did not materialize.  I am sure she is still dealing with getting Gypsy free.  I have this theory.  I am just speculating, but I get the feeling that the Gymnast and Gypsy are more than just friends.  The Gymnast had a boyfriend before, a want-to-be rapper that overdosed back in November, but she has told me she is not looking for one now.  Gypsy does not have a boyfriend either.  I am going to ask the Gymnast next time she comes over.

I am glad it is Friday.  Work has been slow.  My customers are on furlough or working from home.  Even the latter seems absent.  I am trying to trade the cost of getting my friend Sam's bike tuned up and a beer for a haircut.  I think that will make me feel more human than a new truck.

Disinfecting Lego Style

I have the disinfecting team out in the tunnels removing any traces of the virus.  This is an original design where I am playing with different wall and pipes.  Believe it or not there are several hours in creating this.  I think you can click on an image to see a larger version.

New Truck?

I am thinking about buying a new truck and taking advantage of the 0% financing.  I can afford the truck.  I would be keeping my Jeep and eventually giving it to my son when he goes to study in the upper peninsula where they tend to get a lot of snow.  Max is not going to go up north until next fall so I do not need to buy the truck right away. Does anyone have an opinion on whether I should wait or if I should get it now?  Do you think the situation will get worse and the prices will be better if I wait?

A Question

This weekend I found myself fighting the malaise.  The sun can out and we crested seventy degrees again.  I cleaned the Jeep.  Went on walks with one of my twins.  I even rode my bike outside for a few miles.  It is all just killing time and I am losing my motivation for it.

In the comments of my last post Lucy asked, "Do you know what it will take for you to get over Billy?"

The best answer I can give is-- time.  It has been hard lately, Billy is never far from my thoughts.  She gone and has taken away the pleasure of certain activities with her.  I don't feel like bike riding anymore, it brings back memories of when we were together.  So I walk instead.

The physic said, "I never see her (Billy) totally going away."  That may be true, but what we had is gone. I am no longer willing to pay the cost of loving her. Letting go is all about releasing control.  I have to remind myself that.

I cannot control my future, I cannot change the past.  I can only live in the moment.