I Hear That

 I am having hearing issues. I am experiencing hearing loss in my left ear-- a significant amount. I thought it was plugged with wax, but the home remedies were not working, so I made an appointment to see my doctor.  He said there was no wax or fluid buildup. He referred me to an ENT.

In addition to the hearing loss, I have tinnitus in both ears. I've always felt it was part of getting old, but it has also gotten worse in the past few months. I think I need to stop vaping. I've read nicotine can affect hearing. Coworkers have recommended flavonoids. 

Good thing my career is email intensive. I could do ninety percent of my job without hearing. I've read even deaf people experience tinnitus. I'd rather hear nothing than a constant ringing. The ringing some people experience drives them to drastic measures. Mine is not that bad, although I feel like it is getting worse.

I have a feeling I will be going through a bunch of inconclusive tests again. Feels like I have to find the answer myself. I still feel like it is just part of getting older.

Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
And there's no light, there's no sound
Hard to breathe when you're underground?
Can you hear me now?
Hear me now...Hear Me Now, Hollywood Undead

Kayaking

 Summer has not officially started yet, but I feel like I am already behind on making plans. I took my kayak off the wall and went kayaking for the first time this year. The set-up I have worked out well. It was easy to shift the kayak onto the Gladiator, and It only took a few minutes to strap it into the truck.

Sunday, I got in 7 miles of walking. Things have been quiet with nothing new to report. That is what happens when you get into a routine. I am beginning to think routines are counterproductive. They keep me complacent. 

Firefly has been around most days for about a week. She has been putting on weight. Her birthday is this week, and we are going away for a few days to celebrate. When she gets back, she plans to go back to long-term rehab. I am all for this plan. I would like to have my Summer unencumbered by her issues, and she does not seem to keep things together for very long.

You Can't Fix Stupid

 In yet another case of I told you so, TheEx has covid. My son Max is getting tested today because he had a headache yesterday (he still lives with the ex-wife).  I have not heard from the twins who were at TheEx's house over the weekend, so I would not be surprised if they are sick too. 

You can't fix stupid. 

It seems though we are supposed to go into the office three days a week now, everyone is doing their own thing. That is fine with me. I went in on Monday. Today I have a zoom call. I prefer to do those at home where it is quiet.  I have another call tomorrow. I am not sure what I will do then.

The Distance

 Saturday morning, I tucked my bicycle into the bed of the Gladiator. I put the bike rack into the trailer hitch for extra capacity before heading across town to ride with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend. I was feeling off my game. I was running behind schedule. 

As I made the forty-minute drive to their side of town, I was having no luck connecting my phone to the information system of the truck. Firefly was texting me, and I could not reply while driving. She was in the middle of breaking up with her boyfriend. Something long overdue. He was telling her he had some different girl interested in him. I told Firefly that was a load of crap. If he was so interested in this other girl, he would not be blowing up Firefly's phone over the next three days. He is so transparent.

When I reached Tink's condo, she was walking her cat outside. Yes, she has a harness and regularly takes the cat for walks. That cat is so spoiled. I don't know how Tink's boyfriend puts up with it.

We decided to start on a trail close to their house, so we never used the bike rack. The temperatures hovered around 70 degrees. We packed snacks and water, covered ourselves in sunscreen, and headed out. The first part of the ride took us through Walled Lake. It was not a trail, just a series of sidewalks, and we had to watch for cars closely. 

The trail started in downtown Walled Lake. The little town has become a hotbed for weed shops. We took the route down to Sout Lyons, where we ate at a restaurant created out of a converted hotel. The menu was not expansive. Tink and her boyfriend had salads, and I got a bowl of soup.

I continued texting Firefly while we ate. She was upset over the issues with her boyfriend. I reminded her THAT was the least of her worries. She needs to get her habit under control and eat. She is still skinny.

Our bike ride continued. On the way back toward Walled Lake, we took a cut-off leading to Kensington Park. We were curious to see what the route was like. It meanders along the edge of a landfill. It is a very hilly cut. Tink's boyfriend and I were happy just getting to Kensington, but Tinkerbell complained and wanted to ride in the park. By this point, we had been out for four hours. I wanted to head back but did not argue.

The loop around Kensington park is eight miles. We did that before heading home. On the ride back, my left knee started bothering me. I get pain in the joint. It held up longer than it used to. In all, we rode for forty-seven miles. We were out for six and a half hours, including breaks. Not a bad start for our first bike ride of the season, although I think there are diminishing health returns once you get beyond twenty miles.

I declined to stay for dinner and headed home. Firefly indicted she was going to come over. She didn't want to be alone. She doesn't consider being around her family as being with people. I didn't hear from her and decided to just go to bed. She finally texted me after midnight. She asked if she could come over the following day. 

"I can pick you up now if you like," I told her. That was a mistake. I did not know she had taken several Xanax and could barely keep awake. When I got to her parent's house, she did not come out; her dad did. He was not happy. I think he was more upset with her than me, but Firefly had to be helped into the truck.

I had to carry her up to the bedroom when I got her to the condo--lifting ninety pounds of dead weight after riding forty-seven miles on a bad knee. I didn't find out about the Xanax until the next day. 

Her birthday is ten days away. I warned her she needed to straighten up if she wanted to go somewhere for it. I am hoping it gives her something to look forward to. After her birthday, she plans on returning to rehab out of state.

Back to Work..

 We are returning to work three days a week.  We must go back full time to the office by July 1. It sucks. My office is stuck in the 1980s.  There is no reason for us to work in the office. I am polishing up the resume. My philosophy has always been to stay five years and find something new. It only takes five years to learn all you can. After that, you are spinning your wheels or playing it safe. I prefer the quiet of being at home as opposed to the cubical.

The owner said we need to be in the office to work but did not give any examples of how things didn't work out the past year. We even won awards from the customer in 2020. I need to balance my displeasure with going to the office with my goal of making as much money as possible in the next few years.

I am not in a hurry to retire, but I want to be in a position that I can if the need arises. 

Sex and Foreshadowed Doom and Gloom

This post drifted from bedroom antics to foreshadowing future doom and gloom. It must be the mood I am in.

Firefly: So, do you want to go back to being my client? I am saving money up to go to Vegas for my birthday.

Bathwater: Don't you have a boyfriend?

Firefly: Yes, but I need to make money somehow. Do not fucking tell him.

I thought about telling him, but I've already warned him enough. She will never change any time soon. He has ignored my advice. You cannot fix stupid.

Bathwater: Are you clean? You didn't look too healthy last time I saw you.

Firefly: Yes, clean and broke as a joke.

Bathwater: You were taking advantage of my kindness there toward the end. You going to be nice?

Firefly: Yes, Santa, I want to be on the nice list.

Bathwater: Okay, I will give you a shot.

We exchange a few more texts. Firefly showed up at the condo at seven wearing high-waisted jean shorts, a thin grey hoodie, and not much else. The track marks have healed. That is a good sign, but she is still thin. She claims there is never any food at her parent's house.

Firefly had her nose buried in her phone, "I'm arguing with someone."

I rolled my eyes. "Why bother...Let's go upstairs." I get impatient when people pay more attention to their phones than what is going on around them. I sat on the bed in front of her. Firefly was still looking at her phone when I started to unzip her hoodie to reveal her beige bra. She got the hint and undressed.

I pulled out the restraints and the vibrators, slipped the red velcro cuffs around her wrists and ankles, and tied her to the bed. I worked on her with my tongue and the vibrators until I got hard. I entered her while her arms and legs were still restrained, but I like her limbs free during sex, so I released her, flipped her over, and had her bent over the side of the bed.

We worked our way through several other positions. I was determined to take my time, but her heart wasn't in it, and neither was mine. I finished myself with her cuddled next to me.

After cleaning up, we discussed getting something to eat. Firefly said the next day would be better. "Tomorrow?  Don't expect me to have you coming over every night," I tell her.

"I don't. What do you take me for a.....?" She didn't finish her sentence.

She didn't text me the next day. I didn't bother texting her. She will be back around when she needs money. I figure the longer she is away, the better she is doing. She has been hanging around the boyfriend, from what I can tell from her social media. Making a big deal about them being together on Snapchat.

Someone commented I will find someone else. Probably at some point. Who knows. I haven't been looking on SA. I've been thinking about checking out the strip clubs. The best one is where Billie used to work at the end. It is across town, almost an hour away, depending on traffic and construction. I have a feeling the girls will be disappointing. That is a long round trip mediocrity.

By the time 7:00 p.m. rolls around, I am usually too lazy to put myself together and drive across town. I miss the days at the Penthouse Club. The girls were pretty back then. These days, even 6's and 7's think they are special and have Onlyfans accounts. They all want money for pics--money for nothing. How times have changed.

I wish I could be around in the future when virtual reality and robotic sex dolls put them out of business. It is not that far off the way technology keeps evolving. Guys don't want to deal with these woke women. Marriage and birth rates will continue to decrease. I believe society will unravel as people stop interacting with each other.

We need a solar flare or worldwide electronic pulse that wipes out all electronic devices. It would be a saving grace. Though the generations that never lived without computers, cellphones, and microwaves would suffer.

Cold Thursday Morning

 When we are young many of us are not concerned with our health and our bodies. We take them for granted. Now that I am older, I spend more time trying to preserve both to live longer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Grammarly says I sound joyful. That is not the word I'd use.

Last week I installed new combination smoke and CO2 detectors for Alexis. She and her mom both bought sets. She conned me into taking the second set off her hands. I installed them in my condo last night. Now I don't have to worry about dying from carbon monoxide poisoning for ten years.

Sam's father's death has me thinking about the ways I do not want to die. Dementia is on the top of my list. I'd hate to think I preserved my body and lost my mental faculties instead. Perhaps I am just being morbid. I'm only fifty-six, but age once seems old to me back when I was only thirty. 

One of my friends is still panic-stricken over Covid. She has been fully vaccinated but still has a great deal of fear. I am to the point where I am over any fear. I don't think I ever had much fear. At least not for myself. I worried about spreading it to others. Now I think it is time for others to worry about themselves. I don't intend to disobey any rules, but I will be getting out more. Otherwise, I'll have no stories to tell :).

Demons

 Sunday, I got early, walked for five miles, took a break, then went back out to ride my bike for ten more. It was still early in the afternoon, temperatures were in the 80s, so I decided to see what it would be like to strip the Gladiator of the doors and roof. It is more work than the old Jeep. There are more bolts involved.

Summer Will Be Here Soon

The Beast

The winch system I have in my garage worked great for removing the top on my silver Jeep. It is not positioned for the new Jeep, but the top on the new Jeep is lighter, and I think with some adjustments, it will work out fine.

I had nowhere to go and no one to enjoy it with me, but I didn't let that stop me from creating some errands and driving off. I went to the local Dairy Queen. They only had drive-through service. The line was long, but the idea was to enjoy the Jeep, so I didn't mind the wait. I indulged and got a burger, fries, and a blizzard. I cannot remember the last time I had a burger.

That night I stretched out diagonally on the bed. The song Sober by AJR was still stuck in my head. I was sore from my exertions but not tired. I am in a battle with my body. Age is trying to strip me of muscle and vitality, and I struggle to keep it at bay.

Firefly's boyfriend texted me late in the night. She is still trying to tell him she is clean. I feel sorry for him. He is a nice kid and obviously has no one to discuss the situation with if he is turning to me. I suspect he lacks an involved father figure.

I reiterated my warning and gave him some advice. "Find yourself a nice girl, or shut yourself off financially and emotionally from her." I ended it with, "Her birthday is at the end of this month. She will want to party. If you are still with her, I suggest you watch her closely. That is when she could end up doing unrecoverable harm to herself."

I realized this morning why the conversation with Billie is difficult. It is because neither of us can say what we would really like to say. Hearing she is happy would be as difficult as hearing she struggles. I think, though I will never know, it would be the same for her.

I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come...Demons, Imagine Dragons

Agnotology

 Agnotology (formerly agnatology) is the study of culturally-induced ignorance or doubt, particularly the publication of inaccurate or misleading scientific data. 

I know at least 6 people that can get the vaccine that have not. Seems ridiculous. TheEx has not gotten my twins. They are twenty-seven and mentally challenged, vaccinated. She is a nurse and has not gotten it. Neither has Max, his girlfriend, or Tinkerbell. None have a good reason.

Firefly has not gotten the vaccine, and she hangs around a group of people that pass the virus around like needles. The internet is both a blessing and a curse on society. 

Makes one want to take a boat to the edge of this flat earth and just hide on the ice shelf at the edge. Sometimes I wish I could live long enough just to watch this Matrix collapse. As I write this, Grammarly is telling me this post sounds "Joyful." Clearly, it cannot detect sarcasm.

Friday Night

 I went to dinner with my friend Jay and his wife on Friday night--Buddy's Pizza, their favorite. I arrived five minutes late. Summer construction has made driving the area miserable despite the fact many of us are still working from home.

Though he is five years younger and technically a GenXer, Jay acts more like a Baby-Boomer than I. His wife is even my age. They are well off. They have a $500,000 house here in Michigan that is paid off and just bought a $330,000 second home in Fort Meyers for cash. A questionable decision if you ask me, but definitely not stain to their finances. 

I wouldn't describe the pair as a happy couple thought they would probably disagree. This is a second marriage for both of them. I would describe it as a solid financial merger. They both make good money, and she more than he. 

They tend to bicker when we go out. I don't remember ever bickering with Billie that way. Jay's wife admitting to sleeping in separate rooms on occasion. I would not stand for that. My parents did that as they got older. I enjoy sleeping next to someone. Even at my age, I would not consider living with someone that slept in the spare room.

Jay and I started talking about work. It set him off. He doesn't have the patience to deal with people and feels everyone is incompetent. He will make a very angry old man with too much time on his hands. He has not developed any hobbies. The closest thing he has to a hobby is he likes to fix up homes. Though this new home does not look like it needs much fixing, and it is too far away to be convenient. An eighteen-hour drive is too long to be in a car with him.

His wife cut the after-dinner talk short and started nudging Jay out of the booth. I guess we had run out of news and were rehashing old ground.

On the drive home, I sent Firefly a text. She had been bugging me for a few days about wanting to pick up a few things she left behind, and she had a few packages that came for her in the mail. Oddly, she didn't know what was in them. Either because someone bought them for her off her wish list or because she made the purchases while very high.

Bathwater: Are you around?

Firefly: Yeah, why?

Bathwater: Why don't you come over and pick up this stuff.

Firefly: I just stepped out of the shower. Give me a few.

She has been living back with her parents. That is where she belongs, if you ask me. They live about twenty minutes away, but a few turned into two hours later.

She was wearing a grey long sleeve crop top and grey leggings. She had make-up on, but she looked like hell when she arrived. Her arms look like spindles. I looked back at pictures from our vacation in December to see if it was my imagination. It wasn't. Back then, there was still meat on her bones. She wasn't in the house for two minutes before running off to the bathroom because she felt sick. 

She had her car keys hanging around her neck on a dongle like a neckless, but I could hear the roar of her car still come from the garage. "How is your car still running?"

"That is just the fan. It has been doing that for the last two days."

"That's not good," I told her. "It means you are probably low on antifreeze."

Firefly couldn't stop bouncing around the kitchen. She had been smoking crack. I didn't engage in a long conversation or ask any questions. Helped her load the articles and the bag of clothes into her car and told her to pop the hood. Immediately I saw a puddle of antifreeze forming drip by drip on the drivers.  Her antifreeze overflow was empty.

I looked around the garage but didn't have any antifreeze fluid. I grabbed a bottle of water from the shelf and pour it into the overflow. I told her to turn on the engine, waited a few minutes, and repeated the process. I added four or five bottles before I got tired of the process. 

"This will hold you over, but it's going to burn off quickly. It is leaking pretty good." 

Using my phone as a flashlight, I search for the source of the leak but could not determine it. The engine compartment was packed. It would be a nightmare to work on that car and probably not cheap to get work done.

"Great, I have no money," she complained. 

I checked my wallet. I only had eight dollars. I was reluctant to hand it over, and she knew better than to ask. Firefly called her boyfriend to tell him of her situation. I only heard snippets of the conversation. I decided I didn't need to be involved. She could make it home or to his house. If she decided to go anywhere else-- she indicated she plans. That was on her.

The next morning I saw I had received a text from her boyfriend.

Dumbass (this is what he is labeled in my phone): Did Firefly seem like she's back on drugs when you saw her today?

Obviously, she did not go to see him. To me, she looked like she never stopped doing drugs.

Bathwater: Dude, you need to convince her to go to rehab. She is not clean, and she is not healthy. She looks like she is about to collapse.

Dumbass: Did she end up going home?  She lies about everything when she's using, so I never know when she tells the truth.

In my head, I am thinking, he has never known her when she is not using. The closest was when she came home from our road trip, and they immediately went out and ruined that.

Bathwater: The best thing you can do for her is talk her into going to rehab. The best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself.

I doubt he will take my advice. 

Dumbass: I'll try to convince her today.

I sent Firefly's mom the same advice. Saying, I heard she is back home. She is not clean and not healthy Try to convince her to go back to rehab. I m concerned for her. I never heard back from the mom. Firefly probably told her lies and not to talk to me—that fine. I did my part.