Storms Are Brewing

 As I said in the last post, Sam and I went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant on Monday night. A storm blew in just as we were exiting the restaurant. The wind was so strong the entrance doors did not want to shut. We ran to our separate cars as the rain began to fall. On the ride home, the sky opened up, and it poured.

The wind knocked out power in several metro Detroit areas. Sam is still without power, and the twins lost power. Thankfully, mine did not go out. Although, it is out just a block away. I made my way into work this morning to find that a power line was down in front of work. We could not get to the building, so I turned around, picked up the twins, and headed back to my house.

By Tuesday afternoon, the power was back on for both Sam and the twins. Tuesday night Ava came to the condo running late and juggling her multiple lives. She changed, and we went to a nearby outdoor mall to pick up carryout and browse a few stores.

I haven't changed my diagnosis yet, but I think her diagnosis has some underlying nuances. Understanding her has changed my feeling toward Ava. I like her. I find her fun, interesting, and an enigma. The latter is probably what draws me to her.

Ava has changed up her plans for September. She is no longer going to house sit in Kalamazoo. The lady was not willing to pay what Ava considered a fair wage. Now, Ava wants to go away from September 11th thru the 14th with me. I booked a cabin in Hocking Hills, Ohio for us.

Don't ask me how she will pull off getting away without consequences. I don't think she has worked out her lie yet, but it sounds like there is trouble in paradise anyway. I think Ava would be happier if she uncomplicated her life. I am not sure she can do that. She seems to thrive on the chaos. 

I pushed a little around the edges. She considers her dad to have narcissistic tendencies, but she doesn't see them in herself. I keep reinforcing the honesty part between us and letting her know I am not going to judge her. This is who she is. I might not agree with everything she does, but I feel like I understand her. That is all that I am looking for right now.

The Other One

Sam called me late Sunday night. "You know, usually it is Tinkerbell drunk dialing me in the night."

"I am not drunk dialing you," she assures me. "Did you see Billie had her baby?"

Yes, the other one, as Shelby so affectionately called her. Had her baby Sunday, August 28th. She posted an image on Instagram. I haven't heard from her or reached out for any further information.

Billie has only posted three times on Instagram. They have all been made in the last month or so. One of her baby shower, one with her boyfriend, and now the picture of her baby. She never posted anything while we were together, nor up till now, anything with her new boyfriend. 

I think for the first time in her life, Billie feels normal. Good for her. Though, I can't help pontificating. There is no normal, and the fairytales society feeds us are not worth chasing.

Last night, I meet up with Sam for dinner. "You know, stalking my ex-girlfriend's Instagram account is a very girlfriend-like thing to be doing," I tell her.

Sam assured me she just popped up in her feed. I think Sam only mentioned it because she worried the news might send me into a funk. It hasn't. I am happy for Billie, but otherwise, I don't really feel affected. Billie is part of the past. Hopefully, there is not much of the girl I used to know there still.

The Narcissist

 I am not a licensed psychologist, so I cannot diagnose Ava as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, after doing some research, I will say she is definitely high on the scale.

9 signs of Narcissism

1) They are wrapped up in their own opinion instead of listening.
2)They tend to cheat in relationships.
3)They constantly need to be admired. Need for constant adoration.
4)They do not take criticism well.
5) They exploit others without guilt or shame (lack empathy).
6) They belittle others.
7) They see themselves as more attractive than they really are.
8) They gaslight those who are dear to them.
9) They put some people on pedestals (narcissists believe they have to have perfection in everything, including people they associate with. They rub up to people higher in status, hoping the perfection will somehow rub off on them).

I have never been so close to someone who shows so many of these qualities. Narcissism is on the rise in the general population, and millennials show more narcissistic traits than prior generations. I have suggested to Ava she lacks a certain amount of empathy, but I don't think she really listened. 

Narcissists differ from sociopaths. Narcissists do not act with malicious intent. They see people as an extension of themselves, like tools. This doesn't mean I will stop seeing Ava. Understanding who I am dealing with gives me a clearer perspective.

*     *     *

Saturday night, I met up with Tinkerbell and Tech for dinner. We went to a pizzeria in downtown Utica. It was great to see them. I haven't seen much of Tink this summer. While we ate pizza, I filled them in on my realizations concerning Ava. I tried explaining my theory that Ava is a narcissist while Tink interjected questions and jokes. Tink's sense of humor amplifies my own.

Sam would argue that Tinkerbell is a narcissist. Tink does have some of the characteristics. I think one of the biggest differences is that Ava does not act out of need. Ava doesn't need to be seeing me. She doesn't need to treat her boyfriend this way. She could get a normal job and work on a life together. Ava chooses not to. 

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but once while discussing how dysfunctional her relationship is, Ava said, "I am going to make him break up with me." It shows her intention to milk the situation for all its worth and then walk away without appearing to be the bad person.

Shelby mentioned it is lucky Ava is not seeing the wrong person This is true. Narcissists tend to leave a lot of emotional damage behind and are the victims of stalkers. One can easily manipulate a narcissist by playing into their fantasies and delusions.

Remember when Ava was considering the long-term arrangement with the rich guy? He was playing into her financial fantasies. I do feel some empathy for Ava from one standpoint. She wants to go to therapy. Ava realizes she is not happy but doesn't realize why. I don't think it is for me to tell her. I doubt she would agree. If anything it would probably push her away. 

Question Without Answers

 Shelby commented, "Yeah, I'd be careful. I thought I liked Ava, but the more I read, I'm turning off her.

It seems really immoral to play with this guy she is with. I can't tolerate it. Like, I'm sure he is kind of an idiot, but she's really taking advantage of him.

I'm glad you get what you want, of course. But she lies so easily."

I am having a problem with it too. Ava's sister lives in Kalamazoo, which is just shy of three hours away from here. It was her sister that recommended Ava for this house-sitting job. Last weekend, Ava went to Kalamazoo to meet the couple and see her sister. 

Tuesday night was telling about her trip. She told me she admitted to her sister that she was still seeing guys on the side. I say "guys" because Ava had a client she saw a couple of times in Kalamazoo. Ava said her sister was fine with her decision to continue seeing clients on the side and pulling her in as an excuse. Ava probably framed it as needing to help their mom financially, which she often does.

"Now that my sister knows, I can use house sitting in Kalamazoo as an excuse for us to get away," she told me. Ava tried not to mention that she told her sister because she wanted to meet up with this client last weekend. I called her out on it. 

"No, more lying. I spent too much time peeling back the onion," I scolded. Ava is more truthful with me than anyone else at this point, but lying is still her natural defense mechanism. It comes from the trauma she endured growing up and can be seen in my post, Not Far.

My ego led me to believe Ava was reluctant to give up our arrangement because she felt some connection to me. I justified it because you can see this relationship with the boyfriend has always been on borrowed time. It's sad, really. Ava doesn't have any close friends. No one she confides in. She is afraid of being judged.

I try not to judge her. I think she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with others. She thinks she needs therapy. She could probably benefit from it, most people can, but not if you go in with the wrong goals. I don't think you can change what you are unwilling to see.

Ava says she likes traveling with me more than anyone else. Now that she has her excuse in place, she wants to get away in October for a weekend. I like traveling with her too. We will probably end up going on a trip. 

However, Tuesday has left me more reflective. Liz A. made the comment, "Enjoy it while it lasts. This will all end someday."  I get that. Everything ends or evolves. I've never been delusional when it comes to my arrangement with Ava. Still, I am left with questions that may not have answers.

It's a Girl

 In lighter news, Firefly had her baby Wednesday, August 24th, 8 lbs 8 oz. 21 inches long. A good size baby for such a tiny girl. It was a natural birth. Firefly's labor was only about 5 hours. She got off pretty easy. The baby, Ava, yes, that is the baby's real name, and the mother is doing well. 

Tools

Monday, I thought I would have to come into the office on Wednesday (my work from home day) for a meeting, but my boss said he would cover it for me. This is good because Ava spent the night Tuesday, and we always stay up late into the evening.

Ava made it to the house before 7:30 pm. She wore a knee-length floral dress. With her long black hair framing her face, she looked beautiful.

We were going out to dinner. Our original plan was to go to a restaurant called J Baldwins, but I made a wrong turn, and we ended up in front of a sushi restaurant I had been meaning to take her to, so we switched plans on the fly.

We stopped off at the grocery store on the way home. Ava picked out a selection of fruits to snack on. I don't keep a large variety on hand beyond what I know I will consume. 

When we returned to the condo, we camped out on the couch and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. Toward the movie's end, I ask Ava, "Do you see any similarities?" 

She gave me a coy smile but hesitated to respond. "I'll take your lack of a response as a yes," I tell her.

Ava has two trips planned for September. She is attending a three-day conference in Ohio, starting around the seventh. When she returns, she will head out to Kalamazoo for seventeen days to house sit for a couple who own two dogs and two horses.

The new job in Kalamazoo has emboldened her, giving her an excuse to be away. Ava plans to go on a trip to Chicago with her sister on the first weekend of October, and she also wants to go back the second weekend with me. She plans on using house sitting as the excuse to get away on our weekend.

Ava indicated if she didn't go with me, she would probably be going with someone else (not the boyfriend). "You better give me first right of refusal," I tell her.

After the movie, we head upstairs. Ava spends the night. We stay up late having sex and talking. Neither of us is ready for sleep. 

It is after 1:00 am. We are spooning beneath the covers. Ava and her boyfriend exchanged love bombs over text while I gently stroked her ass. I lean in close, smirk, and kiss her neck. Ava makes an off-hand comment about having to fuel the flames.

I find it is all very disingenuous, even narcissistic, but I do not express my thoughts. Ava likes to think she is a good person. She tries to be, but I think her actions are wrong. Ava wishes things could be different. Ava would like to be honest with him, but she knows how that would go.

The thing that bothers me the most. Is that if Ava gets caught, she will try to justify her actions by saying she did it for them or for her mom. In truth, she is only doing it for herself. That is why I am saying she is narcissistic. It is hard to respect that.

She told me a bit about their sex life. Ava said he gives her all the orgasms she needs. He likes her to sit on his face, but instead of going down on her, she grinds against his face. It is a perfect analogy for their relationship. He is just a tool for her to use to get off. Ava sees all guys as tools for achieving her needs.

Ava thinks I am enlightened because I am accepting of her actions. I am enlightened because I see her for who she is, which is very different.

Relationships dishearten me. More accurately, people dishearten me. I feel there are few good ones out there. Not even myself. Free will is our greatest evolutionary advancement and the downfall of our species. 

Display

I modified the tan tower. I am happy with the results. At this point, I have three tall towers. Anything else I prepare will be just extra.  

Saturday, I built this tree house. I wanted to experiment with some recently received hexagonal pieces. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either.

 I went to my friend Jay's house on Friday night for pizza and a few beers.  Sam joined us after she got off work, and we sat outside on his patio catching up.

This month is passing by quickly, just as I predicted. I have been moody lately. I tried to put it into words Friday afternoon but ran out of time. I am unsure if the post will make it out of draft mode. I will rework my thoughts later. 

What Does That Tell You?

 I took a half-day off yesterday. Ava came over early, and we went to the Armada Fair. It is the 150 anniversary of the fair. Armada is a sleepy little town thirty minutes north of here. It is where I usually go biking. The Orchard Trail runs through three similar towns. The trail was a railroad line connecting these small towns with Dearborn. It is said a young Thomas Edison used to ride this line, or so I believe. My memory for facts plays tricks on me sometimes.

Ava dressed in a pair of biking shorts and a  patterned babydoll blouse. She borrowed a visor from me to help shade her eyes because she couldn't find her sunglasses. I wore a red Jeep logo shirt and shorts to blend in with the county crowd.

This was the first time Ava went to the fair. She was not sure what to expect. "What? Did you expect this to be a small carnival like the ones you see at 12 Mile and Van Dyke? " I asked her. "This is a big-time event for these people."

We arrived around 2:00 in the afternoon. Ava was surprised by the number of cars. "This is nothing. This place will be packed tonight."

I know Ava would have no interest in carnival rides or carnival food, but you can see all sorts of animals at the fair. Not only did we see prize-winning horses, cows, pigs, and sheep, but there were alligators, emus, bunnies, and camels.

Ava's favorite part was the bird exhibit. A semi-truck was converted into a giant cage filled with household pet birds. You could go inside and feed the birds. The birds would fly right up and land on you. Ava said she is usually afraid of birds but loved the experience.

The weather was perfect. It briefly poured rain just a few miles south of us, a fact we noted on the drive home over water-covered roads, but there was no ominous cloud in the sky at the fair. 

I would have liked to have stayed into the evening for the monster truck show, but I knew Ava would have been intimidated by the noise and the crowds, and I wanted her to enjoy her experience. I was happy seeing all the animals and enjoying some time outside with her. It was a good day.

Meanwhile, more issues continue to pile up on her home front. It reminds me of a quote from Breakfast At Tiffany's-- Never love a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get until they run into the woods or fly into a tree. Ava is more like Holly Golightly than anyone I have ever met. 

She is in couple's therapy with her boyfriend. It seems ridiculous to put so much energy trying to two people so wildly different together when they have only been serious for such a short time. "I've been with worse," she tells me. 

"You accept that only because you haven't had better," I remind her.

She would rather talk to the therapist alone. She wants to discuss things like the fact she has this ongoing relationship with me but is afraid somehow the therapist would slip up and mention it when the three of them are together. I assured her that patient-doctor confidentiality would prohibit that.

I still feel that right now, if she were forced to make a choice, the boyfriend would be on the losing side. That might change over time or when she finds the right person. Or she might spend her life looking for that right person. Next month, she is going to a conference in Columbus for a few days (he declined to go and canceled on her). Then she spends 17 days in Grand Rapids watching a lady's two dogs and two horses while she is on vacation. It is a dream job for her.

I'll probably spend a weekend in Grand Rapids with her if she can figure out the logistics. "I've invited you out before I've invited him," she says.

"What does that tell you?" I ask. "Life is going to happen whether you actively make choices or just allow it to happen." She is used to just riding the waves.

The Goat

 

The goat under the apple tree in this picture is worth $60 to $80. It only appeared in one Lego set, and they have since lost the original mold. I have two. I like the goat being part of my display for the show. However, I would be disappointed if it disappeared. Lego collectors covet their pieces. I think I will replace the goat with another animal for the show.

Weekend

Friday, I had plans to get dinner with Sam. Traffic was horrendous due to construction, so I opted to go to her hair salon instead f driving home and turning right back around. Sam was the only one still working when I arrived. She was doing Marie's hair. Marie is another friend from my past.

Marie was complaining about her boss, and Sam commented that he sounds like he has rich white man problems. I take offense to that term. Today, when so many things are considered inappropriate to say, why does that term seem to be gaining popularity?

Saturday was cool and overcast. As a result, I was having a difficult time getting motivated. Sam wanted to go biking on the Orchard Trail. I showed up to get her wearing dark pants and a plain grey long sleeve shirt. Sam came out into her garage wearing almost the same outfit. Her shirt was a shade dark.

"You should have called me. I have this shirt in that shade," I remarked when she climbed into the Gladiator.

"We really are boyfriend and girlfriend, and we are starting to dress alike," she said, laughing.

We ended our ride in downtown Armada. We wanted to stop at a local ice cream shop that Sam has been hearing about. The place was underwhelming. The ice cream was okay, but they advertise all these fancy custom creations but had little in the way of photos. Even though they had a presentation running on a computer screen, it left us confused and hesitant to order.

Sunday, I worked on a stand-alone tower for my display. It is not actually part of the main display, but once it is finished, it can be added to the table. I am happy with the initial concept, but about 50% of it will be reworked. I am not happy with the roof between the first and second levels or the look and attachment of the turrets.

This is stage one. My only idea was to make a tower with a curved stair that sat on a pillar of stone. The way I work is to build and take apart until I am happy with the result.

Crazy

 I feel the need to write. Sadly, I tend to gloss over some adventures when they don't involve someone I am pinning for or somehow in a physical relationship with. I should be treating each post with the same intensity. Often lately, time does not allow me. 

After work Wednesday, I stopped at Meijer (the local full-service grocery store) to buy a book of stamps. The moment I entered the line, we were notified they were closing Customer Service for an hour. What store closes Customer Service at five in the afternoon?

Thankfully, a nice woman allowed me to cut in front of her at one of the few lines with an actual cashier to buy the stamps. After that, I did the rest of my shopping at Wal-Mart. Screw Meijer.

My needs were small-- carrots, oranges, and snacks. The summer heat has left me not wanting to make hot meals. Lately, I have been picking my way through the day.

*     *     *

Thursday night, Ava came over. She seems to be in better spirits. She seems to have spent a few days away from the boyfriend's house. We watched a few more episodes of How To Build a Sex Room on Netflix, then headed upstairs.

Ava is much more adventurous than her "current relationship" entertains. Given her way, at least for now, she would rather see multiple partners (obviously), including a woman. I cannot imagine being with someone who wasn't on the same level sexually.

You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you...Closer, Nine Inch Nails

I aim to give her an experience she will think about later when she is away. I know I do. Last night was no exception. Watching the show makes me want to spice things up. I feel like I am very in tune with Ava sexually. I know what she likes but also what gets her off. She came three times last night. Each time more intensely than the prior. It is such a turn on hearing her moan and watching her squirm uncontrolled before me.

I was starting to think our sex life had reached its height, but I'm not sure anymore after last night. It depends on how long Ava hangs around. I can never gauge that, but we plan to go to the Armada Fair next Tuesday and a sleepover scheduled for the week after. 

This morning I had to drag myself into work. "I don't know how you can get up and have a normal day after a night like last night," I texted her this morning.

"Last night was crazy," she replied.

August And Everything After

Well, I'm gon' paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very, very meaningful
Yeah, well, you know gray is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday..Mr. Jones, Counting Crows

August is here, and I feel like this month will pass quickly. Work is busy, I am working on my project, and I am sitting back and seeing how things unfold. I don't have any preconceived direction for the fall. I feel like I will adjust to whatever comes.

The level of uncertainty doesn't seem to bother me. I am watching the world from an island of relative tranquility that I feel comes with age and knowledge.

Saturday, Sam and I ventured into Detroit to see an Immersive Van Gogh exhibit. It was okay, but I felt it was overpriced. It is always an adventure going downtown. This time, traffic was horrible, the day was extremely hot, and spent a lot of time walking in circles. The city doesn't hold much allure for me.

Tink called me Saturday night while walking home after a night at the bar. She was a bit surly. That girl could really use some therapy. She still has deep issues relating to her parents. In addition to discussing her parents, she rambled on about why I wasn't madder at Billie for leaving me and was mad at me for not going on the kayaking trip this upcoming weekend.

I didn't bother trying hard to explain there was no benefit in being mad at Billie. I am contemplating going on the kayak trip. Still not looking forward to it. It partially depends if Ava can still get together Friday as she wants. I'd much rather see Ava than go kayaking down a river with a bunch of drunk partiers in inner tubes.

At this point, I seem to be fixing things I break as much as expanding my display. I am ready for the show. and my mind is teaming with new ideas. It has been a good experience so far. 

Other Topics, and Off Topic-- Again

 I think my next Lego project will be based on the artwork of Roger Dean. He did most of the album covers for the band Yes. I always have liked his work and his top-heavy islands. That will be after I get past this first display.

Max's mother said he could buy her current car with whatever proceeds he gets from selling his own. It is fine with me and gets rid of my only headache. I will stay out of it.

I went for a bike ride Saturday and then worked on the project late into the evening. I built this nice little square building, but much of the detail gets hidden by being packed next to the castle. I am a little nervous about the upcoming show, but I think my display will go over okay. It is unique and has a lot going on.

Storms rolled through on Wednesday evening. The power at the condo went out about 6:30pm. It was still off Thursday morning with no estimate of when it will be restored. It is hard stacking Legos by flashlight. By noon Thursday, the power was back. This time I didn't lose anything from my freezers.

I watched a documentary on Woodstock 99 last night. The Frye concert was a shit show that did not happen. Woodstock 99 was a shit show that did. Given the line-up (one I would have greatly liked to have seen at the time) and the conditions, I am amazed the promoters did not expect what happened. I think the way Coachella is designed is a direct result of lessons learned at Woodstock 99.

Some would say we are breeding what makes a man out of the younger generations. I think there is some truth to that. I do not think testosterone-fueled violence should be allowed unchecked. Things are definitely changing for the good and the worse. It lends itself to a good debate. Debating is not something most people do these days. They cannot see beyond their own beliefs and look at the other side of the argument. Debates are not about agreeing with the opposite view but realizing that issues are not black and white.  

I have my beliefs, but I am constantly checking them against the opinions of others and new facts. Sometimes what seems right can lead to other issues that must be addressed. I think this way because I have no personal problems and can overthink. I am not consumed by just surviving.

I am going to use a sticky subject as an example. I think women should have the right to an abortion. I also think there should be a reasonable limit to how long into a pregnancy an abortion can be performed. I believe abortion access and information should be readily available so women can choose in that limited time. 

On the other side, though, I wonder why so many abortions are for different reasons than rape, incest, or being a risk to the mother. Abortion should not be considered a form of both control, and there should be better access to birth control to prevent this. I do not believe others should be able to force their religious beliefs on others. I do think that in this country, you have the right to your own religious beliefs.

I could go on. Father and mother have different inherent and law-enforced obligations to a child. A woman (in some states at this time) can decide to have an abortion without the father's consent if she feels it would be detrimental to her future-- financially, socially, whatever. The father does not have a say in the matter. The mistake can be equally laid on both parties. Still, suppose the woman decides to have the baby. In that case, the father is expected to financially support the child to adulthood until they turn 18, regardless if it affects him economically or socially.

A woman should have control over her own body. With this right, does that give them more responsibility? The rabbit hole goes on and on. It is a debate. Some questions are not easily answered, and few look past the initial right to life, right to choice issue.

These are just my thoughts. Everyone can have their own opinion in this country-- at least today. I hope your opinion does not stop at the first question but goes deeper in all cases.

Attachment

"I could never be with someone who was more attached to me than I am to them," Ava says to me with a sleepy voice. "Maybe you should put that on your blog and see their response."  

We are lying back to back on the bed. It is late in the evening. The doorwall is open, and cool, humid air from outside drifts over us.

"I've never admitted that to anyone," she continues. 

"Now, I know your secret. I just need to shower you with affection," I say jokingly before admitting our arrangement could not be more perfect, except maybe the amount of time I get to see her. 

"I'm still rooting for him," she said to me earlier. Him being her boyfriend. Ava also said she was going to make him break up with her. I told her that was unlikely to happen. No matter how many arguments they are having. Ava alluded to being nervous about what he might do to himself if she broke up with him.

I can see that. Ava tells me some concerning stories. More than once, he has taken her keys and begged her not to go when she says she is going to see her mother. Ava has learned to start the process three hours in advance to remain on schedule. Experience tells me he probably has a gut instinct that something isn't right.

"Something tells me you would be more upset if our arrangement ended than if you broke up with him," I say to her. "Breaking up with him would give you an excuse to say, see, I tried it (a relationship), and it didn't work."

Rather than argue with me, she agrees. Ava makes the comment that the last fifty days have been stressful. "Only one thing has changed in the last fifty days," I tell her.

Yes, I am hoping she will break up with the guy. I have a vested interest, but I am not telling her what to do. She is capable of making up her own mind. I sat here thinking about what to say next. I decided not to justify actions or blame anyone. It is a mess. Relationships often are. I've been on the short end of the stick before, and it is not fun. It is something I have vowed not to be again.

Maybe Ava is right. Never love someone more than they love you. That emotion is locked away somewhere inside me. I miss it, but I also fear its unbidden return.

Ava puts on a pair of low-waisted yoga pants, a black bralette, and a marron lacy full-length cover in the morning. She looks incredibly sexy in the outfit. It is something she would not have worn six months ago but a pleasant change.

Ava couldn't have sex that night but willingly went down on me. She left without taking any money. Ava would have left a shirt and her bra in the downstairs bathroom if I hadn't reminded her. Ava wants to get together next Friday. The logistics of getting together on a Friday night will be challenging for her to pull off. It is a bold choice.

"One of these days, you are going to get caught," I tell her.

"I know," she tells me. "but I have created a happy space at (her friend's place). It wouldn't take much for me to put it back together."