Coping

 I went out with Ava several times but never picked up where we left off. Despite what Ava says, I don't think she has broken up with her boyfriend. She has it in her mind, but he doesn't think so. This is all from my casual observations. At one point, Ava suggested she would need more to come over but could only stay for an hour. I told her that wouldn't work for me. Something tells me I haven't seen the last of her though.

What have I been doing?  Like half the men in their 20s, I have been glued to my tablet playing an online game. The game is called LastWar and it is raking in billions. You can download it from your phone, but I don't suggest it :). I spend nights on Discord chatting with members of my alliance and trying to grow my squads.

I have been secluding myself away from others by choice. I went out last month with Jay, Sam, and Alexis to celebrate our collective birthdays, but for the most part, I haven't even been spending time with them. It just doesn't bring me joy. The only ones I see regularly are Max and the twins.

Gia and I text regularly. She is happy in Tampa again, and far enough away from the coast to have weathered both Hurricanes unscathed. About once a month we get on Zoom so I can see her gorgeous smile. We are planning a Zoom call on Thanksgiving.

I received a drunk call from Tinkerbell late Friday night. She was walking home from the bar. I think her boyfriend Tech doesn't approve of our relationship. I don't blame him. While I consider it more of a father/daughter type bond at this point, I can see how it can be intimidating. Tink wanted me to know that T-Rex is doing good. He is away, at Central Michigan University now. 

I think Tinkerbell is sacrificing her happiness for the T-Rex's future. "Don't ever think, I don't love," Tinkerbell stated more than once. "You are my Luke." This is a reference to a character on the show Gilmore Girls. "Lorelai ended up marrying Luke." I assured her that wouldn't happen with us.

Tink's unhappiness was palatable. More from what she wouldn't talk about than what she did. I do miss her. I miss the days when we would talk for hours on the phone. This conversation just leaves me perplexed.

Are we all just trapped in unhappy lives? Some of us just coping better than others.

Unpacking The Weekend

 Surprisingly, it was a busy weekend. Sam and I hung out together every day. We had great weather, the last we will see for a while. The only disappointment was Al standing me up Friday night, but I will get into that in another post.

Sam and I got a drink and food at the Engine House on Friday after work. We made plans to meet up and go to the Art, Beats, and Eats in Royal Oak the next day.

We took the Jeep down to Royal Oak in the late afternoon on Saturday. We walked around the arts and crafts vendors for a while, then settled outside Fifth Avenue for a drink. At six, we went to the concert area. There was a Tom Petty cover band called The Wildflowers going on stage. They were really good. They played all his hits. I have been listening to Tom Petty music ever since.

Sunday, Sam and I were heading toward the Peach Festival in Romeo. We were passing our friend Jay's house. "Let's pop in," I suggested.

Sam wanted to call first, but I was already entering the subdivision. "It will be fine. They don't do anything anyway."

We pulled up, and I knocked on the door. Jay answered. We talked in their kitchen for about forty-five minutes with Jay and Di. It was good. Sam doesn't get to see them often. Jay and Di had plans for later, so we didn't overstay. Sam and I head for another craft show outside of the Peach Festival.

On Monday, Max brought his new girlfriend over to the condo. She is cute and very personable. Max made a good choice with her. She comes from a stable family, and she is a teacher. I am happy for him. She is a 100% improvement over his last girlfriend. We talked for a few minutes, and then I left them alone and met Sam for a drink. They left before I returned.

Friday

 After Al got off work Friday night, she came to the condo. She came in wearing a booty-short style one-piece body suit. The body suit was a  nude color beige. It left little to the imagination. My friend Jay once said, "You can take the stripper out of the club, but you can't always take the club out of the stripper." Al appears to be the latter. Unlike Tink or Billie, Al just looks like a stripper outside the club. 

It was a little after 3:00 a.m. when Al arrived. We didn't waste time with small talk and headed upstairs. Al is fun in bed. I was satisfied. She seemed to enjoy herself, but at this point, it is hard to tell. Al spent the night. We didn't get much sleep. The cat decided to wake us up early. 

We went for smoothies in the morning and came back to the condo to hang out for a while. Al seemed fine during the visit. We have a good flow of conversation, but I have a suspicion she has changed her mind. I am not sure of the reason. We planned on getting together again on Tuesday, but I sent her a text on Sunday and again today, and I haven't heard back. In the past, she was good at responding. I am going to stop reaching out at this point.

Al was fun, but I won't be disappointed if she chooses to ghost me. I would have preferred someone older and without a child anyway. I got to hook up with Al twice. That will tide me over for awhile. I am not read to make an effort to find someone else if she does disappear.

Out Visiting

Yesterday I went to see Firefly at the restaurant where she works. I am proud to say she is doing good. She looks healthy. Firefly is a bit stressed but happy. Her baby is a chubby bundle of joy. I think little Ava has given her something to focus on. I am really happy for her.

We chatted for an hour while I ate and she worked. The restaurant was slow, so we had time to swap a few stories. Firefly is engaged to her boyfriend. They hope to get married in September, but as with all kids their age, money is tight.

Went to see Jay and his wife after. Jay finished the remodel of his basement and is now embarking on a new project.  His 82 year-old mother just bought a condo, and Jay will be working on that.  It keeps him busy. He enjoys remodeling and gets antsy when he doesn't have a project.

My arm is still on the mend. I have mostly stopped using the sling. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to find out the next steps in my recovery. Otherwise, things have been peaceful here. 

Memorial Weekend

 It is Memorial Day, and I am delaying going on a solo bike ride by writing this post. Saturday Alexis texted me asking if I would replace some items in her bathroom. She fell and took out the toilet seat, shower curtain rod, and tube spicket. She claims alcohol was not involved, but judging from the bruises all over her body and the destruction, I doubt that to be the case.

Her husband of convince bought the parts to replace the broken items but managed to get the wrong ones. It took three trips to Home Depot to get the right parts. Her hubby was in Frankenmuth with an ex-girlfriend. Alexis was out drinking with a male friend. I've stopped asking. I will probably do a whole post on people next week.

Sam and I went biking on Saturday. Her bike is old and not suited for her anymore. We made it halfway on our ride then she started to complain about her arms. I suggested we switch bikes. Mine is a comfort bike. What I told her she should be riding. It made the difference and we road for another five miles.

After, we met up with Jay and his wife for drinks and a light meal. Jay's wife works in finance. She was telling us how her company is pandering to the woke culture on the left. Everyone has a group and they are encouraged to participate. It can be detrimental to your career if you don't.

Unironically, there is not a group for old white guys. You would be scorned and laughed out of human resources to suggest such an idea because we have been privileged our entire lives and cannot possibly be faced with any issues. Obviously, we do not deal with cancer, aging parents, high rates of suicide, and labels. We are asked to understand others, who do understand us. 

I think there is a lack of understanding all around and we are all being sold a lie. I am going to take that bike ride.

Losing

 I have been losing too much weight lately. I have been tracking my weight on my phone since April of 2018. Wednesday marked an all-time low. I lost sixteen pounds the summer I was going through my break-up with Billie. I am six pounds lighter than that now. At this point, I think everyone would say I have lost too much. Still, I'd rather be too skinny than too large.

I don't think it is health-related. It may be stress or depression-related, but those tend to be temporary. I have changed my diet. I've added more fruits and vegetables into my lunches. That is the influence Ava has left on me.

It was a mild 71 degrees outside Wednesday. I took a walk outside at lunchtime. When Billie and I were together, she would be too tired from a long day of work to go outsides, which seemed okay. These last few years, it's felt like every day I spend inside during the summer, I am missing out on something.

I need to make plans for the weekend. Tink and family will be in DC. Sam is helping her stepson move to Wisconsin for a summer internship this week, but I pick her up from the airport Friday night. Maybe she will go biking, or I can get the twins out for a walk. I see my friend Jay and his wife Friday for dinner, but he usually has plans for the weekend. He likes to play golf. I never took to the sport. I never had the patience or desire to improve past my limited ability.

I have put myself out on dating apps, Tinder, Bumble, and SA. It was something I did instinctively before Ava made her announcement, but those usually take a month or two before they pan out if at all. Ava has promised to help me update my photos which will probably help. I don't usually put much effort into photos, and she is a perfectionist. 

I booked another reading with the psychic for next week. I know most of you don't believe in psychics, but this one has always been insightful and it is a fun distraction. I still want to get to Hawaii. If I get that chance, I am going to take it.

Follow-Up

I would like to address questions in the comments in the previous post.

Several people pointed out men can be emotional too. I agree. I am very emotional. It would be a better statement to say that the way the man and the woman approach these arrangements will be different. 

Alexis is a hairstylist. She lives with her 80-year-old mother, her 16-year-old son, and Sam. Alexis worked out of a salon before covid. Now she works out of her house and survives off that income and government assistance. She is trying to get on disability, but Sam questions whether she qualifies (so do I). Alexis' health issues have more to do with a poor diet, lack of exercise, and abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs.

Alexis never plans to live with or consummate this marriage. It is strictly so she can benefit from his healthcare, receive a portion of his pension after he dies, and get the $150,000 in life insurance. The guy is buying someone to care about him. Unfortunately, Alexis will probably care more about him dying than living.

Ava texted me yesterday. She said after our discussion, where I told her she should push for what she wants, the arrangement will be her living alone. It wasn't that way before. He wanted to live with her, which would have made it awkward. This doesn't mean she will have a license to sleep with other guys. The fact that monogamy is an integral part of his arrangement is interesting. Ava says it is because he is old-fashioned. I agree, but not for the reasons she gives for his request. Besides, there is no way Ava will be able to comply with that. She is already scheming ways around it. He could use infidelity against her toward the end of the two-year arrangement. After all, I doubt she will be signing any contracts.

Why do I have a problem with either of these arrangements? Because they are not simple business contracts. A simple business contract is, I will pay you $10, and you will provide me with a widget.

Let's start with Alexis. Her contract sounds simple. I will marry you on paper, and in return, you will put me on your health insurance now, and I will receive a portion of your pension when you die. Thinking about it now, it doesn't make sense, and  I think Alex is leaving out some detail. Perhaps because he is morbidly obese, and she doesn't want to admit to anything sexual. Regardless, there will be all these unspoken expectations-- from the guy. We are married. You need to take care of me when I am sick. You need to go to school functions (he is a teacher). Trips? Sex? Medical bills after his death?

Alexis doesn't have any unspoken expectations, and though she knows the arrangement comes with these implicit strings, she will do her best to avoid them.

Ava's situation is similar. The guy is buying his widgets in bulk and will have his own implicit strings. Ava will do her best to control and minimize these because it is not part of her plan or desire. Ava wants financial stability and to secure her future. The best way to do that is not to be controlled by someone else's expectations that she knows going in she cannot agree to. Heck, Ava doesn't even want to conform to the spoken expectation of monogamy. What happens after the two years, and he wants to continue, but she says no?

I don't have a problem with either woman's decision, although I think Alexis' arrangement is morally objectionable. She should be helping the man seek mental health services, not hoping he will die. "Well, someone should benefit from his death" is not a valid argument, in my opinion. I think I will be saying, "See, I told you so," to both. 

 Ava's arrangement with me is different. We are a simple business contract. We could part ways tomorrow, and neither could say they were cheated or that expectations were not met.

My friend Jay keeps telling me plenty of wealthy widows live in his condo complex in Florida. I could go down there and find myself a similar arrangement. The idea doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

My Body

Friday night, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a noisy bar called The Hub. It has been weeks since we saw each other and it was nice to catch up. We sat at a table next to a group of eight women all close to our age (we are in our fifties). Our entrance garnished some attention from the women at the table. They were probably looking at Jay. He is much better looking than I. 

The women at the table were all overweight. I made a comment to Jay and his wife. Nodding my head to the other table I said, "This is what I deal with."

Sunday, I tried fixing the driver-side sun visor on the Gladiator. It is broken and falls out of the retention slot. It could not be fixed by me. I have to take it to a dealership, but I do not want to schedule an appointment weeks in advance and wait days for them to fix it. Some clever company made a workaround piece of plastic that will fix the issue and keep the other side from breaking. I purchased that and will install them. Hopefully, that will fix the problem. 

I put building my custom Lego project on hold in favor of building an existing Lego 3 in 1 castle. I wanted something easy to build that didn't involve me thinking.

I did a lot of other choirs around the house that left me feeling achy. My body is not what it used to be. Something I am finding hard to accept. Some days I feel like just giving up and surrendering to old age. There are days I wonder why I keep pushing myself. Who am I doing it for?  These thoughts I keep to myself, except for writing them here. 

There are days I get tired of the silence that surrounds me. It is both a prison and a life raft. It reminds me of the meme I saw over the weekend. I will not do it justice here because I don't feel like writing out the complete scientific study, but a dog raised in torture is afraid to free itself. Somedays I feel like that dog. I think a lot of people do whether they see it or not. I cannot fault others for what I do myself.

 My body tells me no, but I won't quit

Cause I want more, cause I want more
My body tells me no, but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more... My Body, Young The Giant

The Hub

 I have allowed my sleeping schedule and routine to lapse during the vacation. Yesterday, I went out for drinks with Jay, Alexis, and Sam.  It was the first time we were all together at once in ages.  Those three have been friends since middle school. I was the catalyst for getting us all together, but I tend to be out of place when they discuss childhood friends and memories. I keep to myself and let them do the talking.

We went to the Hub bar, sat in a secluded corner, talked, ate, and drank for four hours. Jay made a comment concerning a girl sitting at a table across the room at one point. "Why does that girl seem so familiar?" 

I noticed the girl earlier but was not paying much attention to anyone outside of our circle. "I know," he continued, "she looks exactly like Billie-- her  facial structure, the way she walks."

I looked at the girl closer. Jay was correct. She was a lot like Billie, excepted with darker hair. After his comment, I found my gaze drifting back to the girl throughout the rest of the evening. Alexis noticed me texting and asked if I would be hooking up with Ava later. 

"No."

She was drunk by then and looking to stir things up. "I'm sure glad I don't have to pay for sex." 

I let her comment slide. There is a litany of her issues I could point out, but nothing I would have said would have been pleasant or constructive. I'm am hesitant to even bring them up here. I am comfortable, if not completely happy, with where I am. At least until a better alternative presents itself. Perhaps I will vent in a different post. 

I came home and tried to sleep, but it was still early, and I was restless. I got up around midnight, made some soup, and worked on the Lego project until 5:00 in the morning.

Shelby asked in the comments if I found Ava boring. She is less boring than an old man who sits around building Legos for hours. I miss the excitement I felt when I was with Billie. We seek out people who trigger our issues, not those good for us. The is why I found Firefly intriguing. She pushed all the right buttons. Ava doesn't trigger any of my buried traumas.

Atomic Coffee

 I have a coffee date Tuesday evening. A few of you probably think I am rushing into things, but I feel like I was sitting back waiting to see how Firefly worked out. I have been on Bubble, swiping right on 90% of the images. I started a short conversation with a woman a year younger than me, but I was not interested and unmatched myself. There was no use putting any effort into something I felt in interest toward. 

That is when I matched with a second woman. Dating apps are geared toward the woman. I don't expect much success on a Tinder, Bubble, or Plenty of Fish.  Some would say it is because I am too picky or don't put in the effort. This could be true. I feel like you don't put your time into something that provides you diminished return.

Back to the second woman, Her opening line was a ridiculous sock puppet gif. That made me laugh and sparked my engagement. She mentioned she likes to watch weird movies in her bio. I asked her what the weirdest movie she watched lately was, and I said that a film I find funny and quirky is "What We Do In The Shadows."

She responded she was hoping to watch season three this weekend.  I didn't know they made a TV show based on the movie.  This was when I upped my game and mentioned getting to know each other better over a phone call, zoom, or, god forbid, coffee.  She chooses coffee.

When I told my friend and his wife about the date, he said, "Good, now maybe you will start having a normal life."

"I do have a normal life."

Perhaps it isn't the cookie-cutter scenario we were fed as kids, a lifestyle he still clings to with a wife that takes care of him, but my life is not abnormal. There are no rules we must follow except those we make for ourselves.  Do more good than harm. That is my rule.

If I am doing something wrong, I must be pretty good at it. I have everything I need. Jay got bent out of shape when we the conversations turned to the economy.  He is certain that inflation is here to stay. I am not convinced yet. Either way, he and his wife are millionaires. I sure they will be fine. Why worry and get upset over the things you cannot control.

I feel like inflation is a concern for those who need to stretch their dollars ever month to make the mortgage, not for a couple who just bought a second home in Florida with cash.

Repairs Going Well

 I left work early to meet Jay at my condo.  He was coming over to fix the leaky pipe. After inspecting the line and determining it was still wet inside, he decided we would need to cut out the elbow where it was leaking and install a snake bit fitting.

Jay was on the ladder working. I ran around getting him the tools he needed and watching him work when I realized he was cutting the wrong pipe. So we ended up getting two snake bit fittings instead of one. 

We set off to that orange home improvement store to buy the materials we would need. Jay insisted we prepare for the worse and added extra pipe, fittings, and a Sawzall to my cart. We walked out with $173 in supplies. I was able to take back $147 worth when the job was complete. I spent around $100 in total.  That includes everything I need to bring the ceiling back to its original look.  

After fixing the plumbing, Jay helped me install the drywall I cut Sunday over the hole. 5/8 inch drywall is too heavy for me to lift over my head anymore. It was a tight fit and needed trimming, but that is done, and the first coat of mud is covering the edges. I should be able to paint by this weekend if I work on it a bit each night.

A Quick Snap From This Morning

Jay thinks it is funny that I find such home repairs stressful. He can rip out an enter bathroom and install a new one by himself. He stresses out over work. Something that gets to me much less. My home is my castle.  The one constant in my life since my divorce. I like it to be neat and organized. 

Friday Night

 I went to dinner with my friend Jay and his wife on Friday night--Buddy's Pizza, their favorite. I arrived five minutes late. Summer construction has made driving the area miserable despite the fact many of us are still working from home.

Though he is five years younger and technically a GenXer, Jay acts more like a Baby-Boomer than I. His wife is even my age. They are well off. They have a $500,000 house here in Michigan that is paid off and just bought a $330,000 second home in Fort Meyers for cash. A questionable decision if you ask me, but definitely not stain to their finances. 

I wouldn't describe the pair as a happy couple thought they would probably disagree. This is a second marriage for both of them. I would describe it as a solid financial merger. They both make good money, and she more than he. 

They tend to bicker when we go out. I don't remember ever bickering with Billie that way. Jay's wife admitting to sleeping in separate rooms on occasion. I would not stand for that. My parents did that as they got older. I enjoy sleeping next to someone. Even at my age, I would not consider living with someone that slept in the spare room.

Jay and I started talking about work. It set him off. He doesn't have the patience to deal with people and feels everyone is incompetent. He will make a very angry old man with too much time on his hands. He has not developed any hobbies. The closest thing he has to a hobby is he likes to fix up homes. Though this new home does not look like it needs much fixing, and it is too far away to be convenient. An eighteen-hour drive is too long to be in a car with him.

His wife cut the after-dinner talk short and started nudging Jay out of the booth. I guess we had run out of news and were rehashing old ground.

On the drive home, I sent Firefly a text. She had been bugging me for a few days about wanting to pick up a few things she left behind, and she had a few packages that came for her in the mail. Oddly, she didn't know what was in them. Either because someone bought them for her off her wish list or because she made the purchases while very high.

Bathwater: Are you around?

Firefly: Yeah, why?

Bathwater: Why don't you come over and pick up this stuff.

Firefly: I just stepped out of the shower. Give me a few.

She has been living back with her parents. That is where she belongs, if you ask me. They live about twenty minutes away, but a few turned into two hours later.

She was wearing a grey long sleeve crop top and grey leggings. She had make-up on, but she looked like hell when she arrived. Her arms look like spindles. I looked back at pictures from our vacation in December to see if it was my imagination. It wasn't. Back then, there was still meat on her bones. She wasn't in the house for two minutes before running off to the bathroom because she felt sick. 

She had her car keys hanging around her neck on a dongle like a neckless, but I could hear the roar of her car still come from the garage. "How is your car still running?"

"That is just the fan. It has been doing that for the last two days."

"That's not good," I told her. "It means you are probably low on antifreeze."

Firefly couldn't stop bouncing around the kitchen. She had been smoking crack. I didn't engage in a long conversation or ask any questions. Helped her load the articles and the bag of clothes into her car and told her to pop the hood. Immediately I saw a puddle of antifreeze forming drip by drip on the drivers.  Her antifreeze overflow was empty.

I looked around the garage but didn't have any antifreeze fluid. I grabbed a bottle of water from the shelf and pour it into the overflow. I told her to turn on the engine, waited a few minutes, and repeated the process. I added four or five bottles before I got tired of the process. 

"This will hold you over, but it's going to burn off quickly. It is leaking pretty good." 

Using my phone as a flashlight, I search for the source of the leak but could not determine it. The engine compartment was packed. It would be a nightmare to work on that car and probably not cheap to get work done.

"Great, I have no money," she complained. 

I checked my wallet. I only had eight dollars. I was reluctant to hand it over, and she knew better than to ask. Firefly called her boyfriend to tell him of her situation. I only heard snippets of the conversation. I decided I didn't need to be involved. She could make it home or to his house. If she decided to go anywhere else-- she indicated she plans. That was on her.

The next morning I saw I had received a text from her boyfriend.

Dumbass (this is what he is labeled in my phone): Did Firefly seem like she's back on drugs when you saw her today?

Obviously, she did not go to see him. To me, she looked like she never stopped doing drugs.

Bathwater: Dude, you need to convince her to go to rehab. She is not clean, and she is not healthy. She looks like she is about to collapse.

Dumbass: Did she end up going home?  She lies about everything when she's using, so I never know when she tells the truth.

In my head, I am thinking, he has never known her when she is not using. The closest was when she came home from our road trip, and they immediately went out and ruined that.

Bathwater: The best thing you can do for her is talk her into going to rehab. The best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself.

I doubt he will take my advice. 

Dumbass: I'll try to convince her today.

I sent Firefly's mom the same advice. Saying, I heard she is back home. She is not clean and not healthy Try to convince her to go back to rehab. I m concerned for her. I never heard back from the mom. Firefly probably told her lies and not to talk to me—that fine. I did my part. 

Spring

I wrote the last blog post Friday morning. Later that evening, I went to my friend Jay's for a beer.  Firefly showed up at the house in bad shape. She smoked crack all day on no sleep. She was twitching and incapable of putting thoughts together. It took me a while to calm her down, including threatening to call the cops and have her committed.

It has been five days now, she hasn't left the house alone. I took her to the doctor's appointment yesterday for a refill on suboxone. She has not unpacked her things from her car, and I have not suggested that she should. 

She needs to gain weight and muscle. She needs to create a plan. I don't mind her sitting here watching TV and sleeping, but that is not a long-term fix. I will be going back to the office soon. I cannot watch her forever. She needs to watch herself.

Currently, I am working my way through editing Dave's book.  It is a good experience for me. Sometimes I fear I am heavy-handed, but I am not trying to be critical. I am editing it as if it were my own work while trying not to change his story.  

The Weekend

 I discussed Firefly’s departure with my friend Jay over the phone on Friday. He said, ‘now you are going to have to find another one,’ when I was finished.

I don’t feel like finding another one—at least not yet.  I don’t think I have seen the last of Firefly. We parted on good terms considering.  I would be fine with her stopping by occasionally.  She is just not moving back.

Two copies of my book came in the mail Friday. I waited long than the others who ordered it. Bad review aside, I feel a sense of accomplishment looking at the book on my nightstand.

I took my twins to breakfast Saturday morning.  The Coney Island where we ate was not busy or crowded.  I think most people are still avoiding eating out.  After breakfast, they came back to the condo.  We played Star Wars Battle Front for several hours and then they stayed the night.

I got a text from Firefly on Saturday night.  It was not from her phone.  It said, ‘send boyfriend’s number.’

‘Where is your phone? You told me you knew his number by heart the other night.’

‘It died. I thought so.’

I sent her the number and added, ‘I am not even going to ask why you are away from your phone charger.’

She did not offer an excuse.

Tonight, it is going to get down to 2 degrees above zero.  My furnace has been turning on frequently. The house is dry. I only have a portable humidifier I keep in the bedroom. I am going to turn down the heat and turn on the electric mattress pad when I go to bed.