Dwelling In the Past

The weekend left me moody and dwelling in the past. It is not where I want to be, but often the present is not where I want to be either. It is one thing to understand my motivations, but it is another to want to change. I am not changing. I am not sure how to reverse years of self-programming or what change is supposed to look like. What I do know is there hasn't been enough.

Sometimes, it is tough realizing I am the problem without being too hard on myself. I feel like I should take the month of March to identify which parts I need to change and which to keep.

Ava spent the night Friday, but the encounter felt hollow. It left me feeling empty. I would say I couldn't point to one thing that made me feel this way, but that wouldn't be true. In fact, there were several things. I told her she was spreading herself too thin, a point she agreed with, but I do not feel the need to guess at her motivations. 

Ava holds back details concerning herself. Other things she shares seem more like "shit tests," comments to elicit a response. Last week, we made plans to go to yoga Tuesday. I told her she would need to register on the yoga studio's website to sign us up for the class. Saturday, she did so using an alias. Something I felt was unnecessary yet telling. 

There is a mystery there, but I am losing interest in it. My time feels better spent elsewhere. If we make it to our road trip, perhaps I'll learn more. I feel like it would be time better spent taking Max on the road trip this morning.

Sunday, Max came over, and we changed the coil pack and spark plugs on his car. I asked him to look into a new computer for me. He has been playing a new version of Age of Empires, and I would like to play it too.

Saturday afternoon, I took Twin A to lunch. We went to the same restaurant that Billie, my dad, and I often frequented on Sunday mornings when Billie and I were still together, and my dad was alive. 

That brings us back to the past. I miss being with Billie even though I don't want her back. I don't dream about possible futures with her. She is the past, and I have accepted that. I am at a loss to describe what I am missing. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still think about her every day. It isn't healthy, It holds me back. I think it always will.

The Hub

 I have allowed my sleeping schedule and routine to lapse during the vacation. Yesterday, I went out for drinks with Jay, Alexis, and Sam.  It was the first time we were all together at once in ages.  Those three have been friends since middle school. I was the catalyst for getting us all together, but I tend to be out of place when they discuss childhood friends and memories. I keep to myself and let them do the talking.

We went to the Hub bar, sat in a secluded corner, talked, ate, and drank for four hours. Jay made a comment concerning a girl sitting at a table across the room at one point. "Why does that girl seem so familiar?" 

I noticed the girl earlier but was not paying much attention to anyone outside of our circle. "I know," he continued, "she looks exactly like Billie-- her  facial structure, the way she walks."

I looked at the girl closer. Jay was correct. She was a lot like Billie, excepted with darker hair. After his comment, I found my gaze drifting back to the girl throughout the rest of the evening. Alexis noticed me texting and asked if I would be hooking up with Ava later. 

"No."

She was drunk by then and looking to stir things up. "I'm sure glad I don't have to pay for sex." 

I let her comment slide. There is a litany of her issues I could point out, but nothing I would have said would have been pleasant or constructive. I'm am hesitant to even bring them up here. I am comfortable, if not completely happy, with where I am. At least until a better alternative presents itself. Perhaps I will vent in a different post. 

I came home and tried to sleep, but it was still early, and I was restless. I got up around midnight, made some soup, and worked on the Lego project until 5:00 in the morning.

Shelby asked in the comments if I found Ava boring. She is less boring than an old man who sits around building Legos for hours. I miss the excitement I felt when I was with Billie. We seek out people who trigger our issues, not those good for us. The is why I found Firefly intriguing. She pushed all the right buttons. Ava doesn't trigger any of my buried traumas.

Morning Rain

 This morning it rained during my drive to work.  Lightning strikes lit the dark skies as I drove along the freeway. At times the rain strengthened to a downpour, creating puddles along the sides of the road.  The Gladiator has no trouble negotiating puddles, but I did have to pass a few people less equipped for the storm.

This week doesn't feel overly long, just monotonous. Firefly's departure has left me moody. I don't miss her, but it opens up old wounds.  One day I will learn not to invest so much of my time in one woman. It is best to "spin plates," as they say.

A couple people have suggested staying single for a bit. I feel like I would be better off putting myself out there.  Nothing will fall in my lap without nudging the tree. The holidays are coming up fast, and it is my least favorite time of the year, except last year when I was on the road for 24 days.  It is an excellent time to hook up.

Twenty-Six Hours

Everything sucks, just kidding
Everything is great, no really
I haven't thought about my ex today
Oh wait, fuck, I just did
But I went outside for the first time
In a few days and it felt nice
And I might try doing exercise, not really

The power was off for twenty-six hours. Friday the internet was not working in the office, so I worked from home.  That night Twin A came over and stayed the weekend. Friday night, I ate something from the freezer that most not have made it to Twin A's house. I got very sick, including dizziness and vomiting. I spent Saturday mostly watching The Walking Dead. I find the show very slow. I can see why I stopped watching it.

The weekends have been slow. My friend Jay is in Florida. Tinkerbell and Tech are in Texas. It sucks when you are looking toward work to keep you busy. 

Everything sucks, just kidding.

Everything is better than it used to be

I didn't write a song about my ex today

Oh wait, um

But I called my friends, and I told them

We should hang out if it makes sense

'Cause I miss them, and I hate being alone, not really...Everything Sucks, Vaultboy

Still

So I guess the fortune teller's right.
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins, and now
I don't care. I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There are just so many things
That I can't touch, I'm torn...Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

Saturday afternoon, I drove out to Novi to pick up Tinkerbell and her boyfriend. We didn't plan a bike ride. The weather report was sketchy. We meet up with Teach and one of their other friends at The Landing Strip Lounge. A different strip club in Romulus. Both Tink and Billie spent time dancing at The Landing Strip. It is smaller than Flight Club. I never spent much time there. 

Tink and her boyfriend knew the manager, the DJ, and one of the bartenders. We had a few drinks. There was one dancer out of about eight that I thought was attractive. I talked to her briefly while she was on stage but didn't end up spending any time with her. The rest of the day shift crew I didn't find interesting.

I've decided I like going to strip clubs by myself. Being a part of a group off in the corner does not help you meet any of the dancers. Walking out spending only $20 was nice, though.

We didn't stay at the strip club for long. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. The food was delicious, and I eat more than I wanted, undoing all the work I put in during the week losing weight.  After dinner, Tink wanted us to join Teach at Flight Club. I didn't want to go. I think Tink was trying to get me out more than out of any desire to go. I appreciate her efforts, but I was not in the mood. I knew it was not what I wanted to do.

These places stir up the desire to so Billie. A fixation I cannot shake lately even though I know the reality of such a meeting would not be anything like the fiction, both good and bad my mind has conjured. With Firefly away, I've been lonely. Yet, I don't have much of a desire to put in the effort needed to remedy the situation. I feel like when the government money dries up in September, prospects will be better.

We got caught in a downpour on the drive home. When it rains here, it pours lately.  I know other places around the globe are experiencing flooding issues too. Ours is limited. The Gladiator has no issues with standing water.  

Here comes the rain again,

Falling from the stars

Drenched in my pain again

Becoming who we are

As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost.

Wake me up when September ends...Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day

Nothing to Report

It is hard to write off an entire year when you have a decreasingly few good years left and I feel like we will be writing off more than one year.

I've started this post a few times.  At first it was going to be a recap of my weekend.  Friday, Bunny and I went kayaking.  Saturday, I went biking with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We rode thirty-one miles over the course of the day.  Sunday, I did yoga in the park, than got a massage in the afternoon.  

Firefly came over Sunday night.  She is treading water, but refusing to surrender to the process. I offer what advice I can but if she doesn't make some changes she will end up in jail again.  She reminds me very much of Billy.  

I have become reclusive.  Mostly because of the virus but sometimes I wonder.  It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not have another long term relationship.  Much of my life has revolved around a relationship, finding one or searching for one.  It is what I learned growing up.  The goal to life.  You work hard.  You get married and you have kids.  It turns out, that was the worst mistake I made.  

I have no idea what direction to go next.  For twenty-five years I collected Legos thinking one day to build great things.  Lately they sit unused.  My current project is writing the memoir.  It seems more of a cautionary tale than anything. 

 

Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline

When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going

Wishing on a star

The black holes that surround you

Are heavier by far

I am not making progress.  I could blame it on what is going on in the world but I am not sure that is entirely the case.  I am banging my head against a wall.  I repeat bad habits expecting the outcome to be different and I get depressed when things turn out the same.

Billy is never far from my mind.  She is this construct that I gauge everyone I meet against.  I am not she would measure up to the person in my mind.  If I found this person, the one who soothed all my issues, this perfect match for the imperfection that is me, she would be exactly the wrong person for me.  I know this but I have a hard time accepting it.  

Billy used to say, when she wasn't using she didn't feel like herself.  I understand what she means.  When she is not using she IS herself and that person is a stranger to her.  I am a stranger to myself.  

We spend our lives constructing the world around us to make us comfortable instead of deconstructing what is that makes us need to protect ourselves.  I get the concept and yet I find it extremely hard to practice in this world.

So disappointed follows disappointed,  I keep looking for a quick fix instead of accepting the way things are, because I do not find joy in the way things are.   I would not find joy in the past but I cannot stop thinking about. 

I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway... Barely Breathing, Duncan Shiek

Evil Thoughts

I desperately need a distraction. I need someone to help take my mind off Billie. I am slipping, and she is slipping. I have been good. Since this text exchange, I have not texted Billie, but I want to text her.

The psychic said I can tell when Billy has a bad day without talking to her. Perhaps there is some truth to that. I know she is broke. She is down to the last $100 in her bank account with three days till payday.

I feel so far removed from her. Is that a coping mechanism? I miss lying next to her, but I cannot remember how it felt.

I am torn. Part of me wants her to fail. Part of me wants her to come running back to me. I am not sure why. Fantasies play out in my head. Billy coming to me for money. Her and I sleeping together. Me sending a picture of her naked body to her new boyfriend with the words, "Enjoying your little addict still? She will never be just yours. Not while she is using. Not unless you are willing to support her. You will never know how many people she is sleeping with, but it won't be just you."

The old me would do that back in the early days when Billy and I would fight. We were mean. Reading back the words I just typed, I realize I know them to be true because they were true for me.

Why would I want her back? I do not. I want them both to hurt. Like I hurt.

I desperately need a distraction. Friday, I am traveling to China for a week. I just need to make it to Friday.

Positive affirmation:  "I am the master of my anxiety. Anxious thoughts will not control my actions."