Thursday, April 30, 2020

The Gymnast Returns

Lying on her back, she sleeps peacefully next to me,  Her face is tucked partially into the covers. By the dim morning light I regard her.  She has a new piercing, a small barbell at the bridge of her nose.  Lying in bed we are worlds apart.

The Gymnast is back. A lack of money has brought her out of quarantine. Outside the birds have started their morning ritual of chirping.  She doesn't seem to notice.  I get up, make coffee and start my day.  I am letting her sleep while I write this. The alternative would be for me to be pawing at her soft firm ass, which I do occasionally during the night, but she likes her sleep as much as she likes to have sex.

The cat peeks in on our guest but doesn't venture passed the doorway into the bedroom.  I wonder if she will ever be comfortable with someone new joining our family.  The Gymnast will not be that person.

Last night, the Gymnast is quieter than usual.  "I have a lot on my mind," she tells me, but doesn't give any details when I press for more.  The virus has given us all more to think about.  "This was supposed to be my year to travel,"  she continues,  "Now I have got to go back to school."

"You are young.  You will still have time to travel.  For me every years seems precious."

I press my face against the warm soft skin of her chest.  "It feels so good to be next to someone," I tell her as I look up into her eyes.  Her lips curl into a smile. "Don't laugh," I scold before placing my face down onto her again.

"I get it," she replies, as we both slide out of our underwear.  "I am with my sister and grandfather all the time."

The Gymnast is a comfortable distraction   When she is here, she fills a part of that hole Billy left behind but she also reminds me how large that hole can be.  The last few days I have been thinking about Billy.  Trying to make sense of it all.  I keep thinking back to that saying,  All life is suffering.  We cannot change the past or trying to control the future.

The Gymnast rolls out of bed around 10:30.  I sit on the side of the bed and watch as she slides takes off the tee shirt she is wearing exposing her firm bare breasts.  She puts on a thin long sleeve grey shirt from the floor and replaces the tee shirt.  "So am I going to see you again, or do I need to wait till you are financially strapped?"

"I will be back.  I always come back,"  she assures me.

We head downstairs.  She takes a few sips of coffee before putting on her shoes by the door.  "Come here I tell," pulling her toward me.   "Give me a hug before you go."  I hold her close resting my chin on her shoulder and weaving my fingers into her soft blond hair.  Reluctantly, I let her go when she pulls away.

You've find yourself a friend that knows you well.
But no matter what you do 
You always you tripped and fell
So steady as she goes..  Steady, as She Goes, The Reconteurs


Tuesday, April 28, 2020

The Past Intrudes On Trust

I am working on chapter six of my novel this morning.  I have been thinking about this post lately.  I know I dwell too much on the past.  I blame it on the quarantining. This is a pivotal moment in our early relationship.  This is three months after we first met and a month after Billy's first failed attempt at rehab.  These blog posts are ingrained in my memories.  Unlike events I did not record they remain vividly remembered.  The lesson I have learned is never stop recording my days.  I regret the not recording more.

Originally Post Saturday, August 27 2011
The Past Intrudes on Trust

Billy and I are sitting diagonally next to each other at a high-top table in her hometown, eating desserts. The people around us all sit across from each other. The restaurant is crowded and a din of cacophony fills the air but we are focused on each other.

I take a break from my ice cream cookie to look at her. Her chin is resting in her palm and she is staring back at me, our postures are symmetrical. "Sometimes if you knew what I was thinking when you weren't around, the thoughts that go 'round inside my head, I'd have to apologize before even speaking them. I have seen to much. I have been hurt to often, " I say.

"What about me? I'm might be young but I am not used to a guy treating me good."

* * *
The past leaves it's scares. The worms of paranoia still slither in my head during the lonely hours of the night, questioning. Shadows linger...

Memories.

Tinkerbell and I lay close to each other in bed. It has been two months since she has moved in with me. I am reading a book by the light on the night stand. Tink was furiously texting a boy from her phone. She has caught him in a lie. It doesn't matter that everything she has been telling him was a lie. He thinks she is a dancer, living with the T-Rex at a sister's house.

I put down my book and suggest she ditch the liar. Boyfriends and girlfriends were against the rules of the house. Monogamy was out of the question, Tink was like a guy, she couldn't keep her dick in her pants. Tink crosses her naked thigh over mine to pacify me. Her skin was soft and warm. It was a calculated move on her part, all her moves were calculated but it appeases my need to be close to someone.

Months go by. The boy gains importance in her life and soon I am the one being fed the lies. Tinkerbell starts dancing again. She switches visitation times with the T-Rex's dad so she can spend more time away from my home. I feel the change, so I ask her to leave. She says she is ready to go anyway. Still I think it is a surprise. It is for me.  I always thought we would be together in the end.


* * *

Later Billy pulls up to the pumps of the gas station. She is driving-- again.  I am looking at the girl, not the road. A strand of blond hair has fallen into her eyes. "What is this?" What is going on between us?" I ask her, waving my hand between us.

She understands what I mean. "When I talk about you, I say my boyfriend, Bathwater."

"You do? " I smile in surprise and motion for her to come with me. I walk around to her door before she gets out and lean in the window. "I talk about you all the time, you know. I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my girlfriend."

Monday, April 27, 2020

Monday

It's been a long year since you've been gone
I've been alone here I've grown old
Fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

We close on my father's condo this week.  The terms are immediate occupancy so we scrabbled to get the remaining furniture out this weekend.  The places we can donate the stuff are all closed.  My brother waited till the last minute to discuss this.  Perhaps he didn't realize or he was hoping the restrictions would be lifted this week.  I stopped by my friends Jay's house after.  We kept the socially distant.  Nothing is the same.  Nothing is going to be the same for a while.

Lately when I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking old.  Maybe it is the long hair.  My friends say I look better with long hair but I don't think so.  I am not feeling my age but I think I am starting to look it.  Fuck next will I have to start acting it?

The whole world has issues right now.  It feels like there is no one to complain too.  Do I have anything to complain about?  I am still getting paid.  I am not sick.  I do not need anything.  Well that isn't really true.

I keep a journal of memories 
I'm feeling lonely I can't breathe
Fall to pieces I'm falling...Fall to Pieces, Velvet Revolver

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Hanging On

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes


I awoke realizing I had already re-posted "And We Are Broken".  I really am in some twisted version of Corona Virus groundhogs day.  Our governor has extend her "stay safe, stay at home order till mid May.  My mental state will be frazzled my then.  I miss humanity.  This year was supposed to be so different.  I was going to meet new people, take a few well deserved vacations how did we end up here?

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on...Everybody Hurts, REM

Distant Past "Warning Some May Find This Disturbing"

It is late Friday night. I am sorting Lego and listening to 90's alternative music.  The songs remind me of the past. I don't feel like lying in bed.  This song is playing and I knew there was an old post tied to it. This was originally posted during the height of Billy's addiction.  I think the writing is superior to half the stuff I write today.

And We Are Broken
Originally Posted:  Monday, February 18, 2013

I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Goodbye...

I watch Netflix episodes of Alias off my phone in bed.  I watch the pounds creep up on my bathroom scale.  I have been reading, searching for a place for my voice among other novels-- still I strain to put anything new together here.

My inner circle comes and goes from the condo.  I even went out with Jay and Alexis for a night of drinks at the bar.  They reminisced about their childhood sexual experiences together.  It was awkward. 

Alone in the darkness of my room thoughts of being content with the limited perceptions of sight, taste and sound without the pains of a physical body start to become appealing.  It can't really be called depression.  In accent times it was one of the original seven deadly sins that affects me-- acedia

I get that text message, "Hey".   One word--

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living
She's golden, she lives for me
She says she lives for me ovation, she got her own motivation
She comes 'round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
It's like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse 

It is Saturday morning and Billy wants to hang out and I agree-- to all it will entail.  I pull my Challenger from the garage.  The weather has kept me from driving it the last few days.  The sky is clear but a few light snow flakes float on the wind.  I haven't checked the weather but I don't feel like switching vehicles and suffering the hour and a half drive to Billy's house and back in the truck.

We talk on the phone as I drive her direction.  I am anxious to see her; she is anxious for other reasons.  I tell her so.  "You feel the same way I do right now.  There is anticipation running through your skin accept not for me, it is for your drug of choice."

I make good time till I get into the city.  I hit a snow squall.  The roads turn slick and visibility is reduced to a quarter mile.  The Challenger's 22 inch wheels and low profile tires are like pontoons on icy pavement.  I am reduced to twenty five miles an hour in the slow lane.   There are cars spinning out around me. 

The snow is not the kind that will accumulate into inches on the roads.  That would be better for the average northern driver.  The freeways remained slick slowing traffic, causing the heat from the under carriages to make the roads icier.  My hands are clenched to the steering wheel.

When I arrive, Billy comes to the car carrying a large purse and two bags filled with clothes.  "Have you been kicked out again?"  I ask her.  

"No."  When I express my doubts she assures me.  "You can call my mom if you want."

Physically she looks good.  She is the heaviest I have ever seen her.  I can tell her mind is not clear.  She tells me she is on Xanax, and that her stomach is in knots.  She has been using another person to acquire heroin, getting them hooked then piggy backing off them to get her own by pretending the cost is higher, until her patsy went to the dealer by himself and figured it out.

The snow in the city has gotten worse.  I'm sliding around the streets of Southwest Detroit in parts of town we have no business being. Billy cannot remember half the stuff she is told or does when she is high but she knows every street in the ghetto.  We come to a stop in the middle of a snow covered street.  Cars line both sides.  I look out my driver side window.  A burned out home and an abandon house are on my left.  Several house on the right don't look much better. 

Billy steps out of the car and meets the dealer on the sidewalk.  This guy has sold to us before but has never seen my car.  We usually buy from one of his runners on a different side street. She is back within seconds.  I catch a glimpse of a black guy walking back into a house.  I would not be able to pick him out of a line-up.  I am not sure I would be able to get back to the same location.

Billy directs me in a series of right and left directions that get me back on the freeway, while she unwraps eight foil squares the size of your index finger nail and pours the off-white powder onto her phone screen.  

The amount of heroin looks small.  The effects, combined with the Xanax, can be seen  immediately.  She snorts the powder.  Within minutes she is 'nodding.'   It takes an hour to get out of the city and the snow squalls.  Billy appears to be sleeping for the ride but I can rouse her with a nudge.

Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play
She said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
Baby, baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Goodbye..."

When we get home I put in a pizza.  Billy gets comfortable.  We make a pot of coffee.  Outside the snow squalls have caught up to us.  Big puffy flakes fall in a whiteout of snow.  Looking out the windows from the couch the scene is picturesque.

We eat and play video games.  Billy  talks of quitting next week. Her movements are slow she has no concentration.  Watching her is like watching a person trying to keep from falling asleep during everything she does.  It is sad to watch. 

I ask her if she has ever seen herself before.  She says no.  I start video taping her with my phone while she is eating.  She doesn't notice.  I want her to look at the video tomorrow when she is straight.  She is compliant and mostly happy when she is on dope.  Her mind shuts down and she has a heightened sense of touch.

Billy snots another bump.  When it kicks in there is no use trying to play video games.  She suggests watching a movie and I agree.  We lay on the couch together.  I let my hands drift over her soft skin while the movie plays.  She gets lost in the sensations of my touch.  Billy turns to me and we kiss.

I let my hands drift down between her legs.  Her eyes are closed, her lips are slightly parted.  She is awake and he breathing reacts to my movements.  She begins to rub me.  My need for her becomes urgent.   We are spooned with me lying behind her.  Both of us have on light pants.  I pull them down and enter her from behind.  

It has been weeks since I have had sex and I can control myself long while I am inside her.  I cum quickly.  Billy is asleep before I get back from cleaning up.  I take up my position on the couch and hold her close.  I drift in and out of sleep with her while she snores.  I'm sure she doesn't remember we even had sex on the couch.

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth
Will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock
With a tick tock rhythm
A bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again
Then I bumped again, she said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
"I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life 

I wake her after midnight.  "Sara honey, let's go upstairs."  

She apologizes for falling asleep"In my defense, I usually am in bed by nine at home.  I have nothing else to do."  

Billy does her final bump before we go upstairs.  She takes off all her clothes.  I follow suit.  In the dark during foreplay she makes the comment, "You are not video taping me, are you?"  As if she had some disjointed recollection of my taping her earlier.

"How can I be?  The light is off."

We have sex earnestly in the dark.  I pound into her hard from behind, feeling my body slap against her soft ass with each thrust.  She moans with each stroke.  We finish facing each other and fall asleep tangled throughout the rest of the night. 

I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords could make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
All right
And when the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we're tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I'm struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
Slides up around the belly
Face down on the mattress

The next morning I have to take her home.  I have Tinkerbell, Max and The T-Rex coming over that night.  Billy is still is involved with the other guy.  We don't try to figure anything out.  We have time for breakfast.  She picks a diner close to her home.

The drug haze is gone.  She is thinking clear.  I show her the video of her from the day before.  She is not happy with what she sees.  She doesn't think she is always like that.  I assure her she is.  I tell her I could not believe her mom didn't know she was on Xanax yesterday.  This is the Billy I like. The Billy that is fun to be around but not using.  The morning after Billy.  She is not high but she is not yet affected by cravings or withdraws.  For a few moments, she is normal.

One, and you hold me
And we're broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
I feel myself heavy on the ground
I'm scared I'm not coming down
No no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws just locked now in a smile
But nothing is all right
All right

She asks the owner of the restaurant if they are hiring.  She charms him into allowing her to apply for an opening that doesn't officially exist. She tells me that she is going to go to her doctor on Tuesday to get on Suboxone, if she can't she is willing to go back to rehab again this week.  I hope she does.  She should never quit trying to quit.

I clean the house when I get home, erasing all evidence of her presence before Tinkerbell arrives.  I don't want to answer any of her questions.  When Max arrives we make replicas of the perk-a-cola bottles for every perk they offer in Call of Duty.  This morning I weigh 4 pounds less. 

The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
In the place we used to sta-a-a-a-rt....
Semi- Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Future?

One of the greatest science fiction writers of all time, Isaac Asimov , created a series of books about the future and robots.  One of his themes was that humans colonized other planets.  Those planets became richer and more technologically advanced than Earth.

People on these less densely populated planets relied on robot labor and avoid human interaction.  I think our own society has been showing these same tendencies.  Young people are dating less and having sex less.  We communicate via Instagram, Facebook and Skype.  I think this virus is speeding up this social distancing.  People who would never consider using a video service have no choice now.  We are learning how to work from home, how to shop from home and order food from home.  Sure when this "stay safe, stay at home " quarantine ends we will return to our old routines but it only takes 30 days to create a new habit.

People will say, "Why are we going to the office five days a week?  Why do I need to go to the store?  Grandma is turning 75 this week let's set up a Skye with the family."  Social distancing will continue.  Now add in virtual reality, advanced computer games and a guaranteed living wage and we will become the Matrix.  Not the unwilling batteries for the computers like in the movie but willing blobs that don't take care of their physical body and spend all day online working on their virtual image. 

Reality will become what you want it to be...but it won't be real.  Actual human interaction will be disdained as something the poor are left with.  Don't take off your 3D glasses you will see the over-heated, over polluted real world.

Hook me up and plug me in so I can live my fantasy.  Ready Player One.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Trips and Pirate Ships

Yesterday Tinkerbell and I went to Home Depot to return the bi-fold doors and pick-up the correct ones.  The benefit of living in a large sprawling metropolis like the Detroit area is there are 15 different Home Depot locations to choose from wen searching for one that has the merchandise in stock.  Tinkerbell takes full advantage of this.  Why wait for doors when you can drive a little further to pick them up today.  So we drove thirty minutes to another of those areas we should be avoiding to do the swap.

The virus seems to take the fun out of these excursions.  More than once Tinkerbell sarcastically mentioned how fun these trips are when I am in a good mood.  I don't want to be out on the town.  The virus is only half of the reason.  We stood in line for about 20 minutes.  The sun was out but it was still windy and cold.  I kept my comments to a minimum.  There is still no forecast of a sunny day with temperatures over 60 degrees in the near future.

I have been spending my free time building legos.  I build a giant pirate themed set that is both a ship and a ship wreck.  The modified row boat in my creation too.




Now I am building a imperial clipper ship to battle the pirates.


That happens to be a pirate themed roller coaster on the background.

I think my next project will be some dystopian scene.  something to go with the virus!

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

The Distance

My youngest turned twenty-one last week.  He text me last night.   He wants to move up to Marquette Michigan and continue his education at Northern Michigan University.  Marquette is seven hours north of here.  It is in the upper part of the upper peninsula where the get an average of 200 inches of snow a year.  Where it is not unusual to get snow in May.

He has applied to start this fall.  I don't think that is a good idea.  I told him he should wait a year and continue his education as far as he can at the local community college first.  Moving that far, with his girlfriend takes money.  He doesn't have any saved.  It is going to take a more reliable four wheel drive vehicle than his twenty year old truck.

I will miss him.  Billy left last August.  My dad died in January. Tinkerbell moved to the other side of town.  Now, Max is thinking about moving away.  It leaves a hole that cannot be filled.  You don't replace a father, a lover, a best friend or a son.  It is a distancing that never goes away.

The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
And long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.. The Distance, Cake

Monday, April 20, 2020

A Dream

I had a dream last night.  It was very vivid.  It seemed like a continuation.  Like I have had this dream before but didn't remember it.  In the dream I was engaged and a week away from getting married. But something was wrong.  I was not attracted to my fiance.  I was in a panic, going coworkers and friends trying to explain to people something was wrong.That I wanted out of the wedding.

"I don't even have her face stored on my phone next to her text messages." I told people. We were only engaged six months which coincided with a strange memory loss.  I kept telling people I wanted to call off the wedding but no one was supporting me.  Something was wrong and I was becoming frantic and starting to hallucinate.  I was sure  the woman, who's face near really coalesced in the dream, was marrying me to get control of my money.

I am sometimes able to gain some control over dreams or to continue them. Not this time.  I woke feeling anxious.  The events from the dream have stayed with me throughout the morning.


Sunday, April 19, 2020

Dog Days

Leave all your love and your longing behind
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..Dog Days Are Over, Florence + The Machine

I put on a pair of jeans again yesterday.  They seem foreign and constrictive.  I followed Tinkerbell and her boyfriend down to the Home Depot in Warren.  What an interesting sight.  Many people were still not wearing masks, including some of the employees.  I stayed in the Jeep as much as possible.  When we got the four bi-fold doors to her condo I took one into the master bedroom and immediately could tell it was the wrong size.  Tink did not measure both rooms and the master bedroom needs larger doors.

They discussed taking them back that day.  I suggested waiting till at least Monday.  The store has a 180 day return policy right now but Tink is short of money and patience.  She is hiring a handyman to complete the repairs on her condo.  Part of me felt slighted, I can do most of the work but mostly I am relieved I do not have to do it.

She has been spending money changing things that were fine and not on just finishing what was need.It is awkward being around people.  Everyone keeps their distance.  You eye everyone as being able to do you potential harm.

This weekend has been a bit harder than the others.  The weather is not better.  I don't feel like going out but the sadness is growing.  I am lonely.  I have not been able to get any of the usual girls to come over and I don't think it is a good time to find someone new.

There is only so much time I can waste building legos.  Honestly this sucks.

Friday, April 17, 2020

Staying Home?

I find it interesting to see how different friends are applying the stay at home order.  Many are having  difficulty staying home.  It is a reflection of how stable their home is and how comfortable they are being at home.  I am finding it easier as time goes on.  I am not sure I like that.  You don't meet new people when you are social distant.

Tinkerbell texted me at 10:00 p.m last night.  She is living with her boyfriend and is now concentrating on renovating her condo to rent.  She is mad because I suggested people renting would expect things that she does without, like closet doors and a dishwasher.

Tinkerbell: I cannot find any closet doors less that $100.  I am going to kill you for suggesting taking down the curtains and installing closet doors.

I am not sure why her decisions are somehow my fault.  If she did not want to spend a lot of money she should have looked at prices first.  I eventually found doors for $73 a piece.  She ordered these.

Tinkerbell: You just cost me $295 (Once again, how did I cost her that?)  We get to take a drive to Warren to get these doors.

The doors will not fit into her car.  She needs my Jeep or my son's truck.  I am sure we need to go to Warren because they were not available at the local Home Depot and she didn't want to wait.  I don't want to go to Warren.  The virus is more prevalent the close you are to Detroit.  I don't tell her this or ask how I cost her the money.  If anything picking up the doors and installing them will cost ME time and money.  She is one of those people who cannot sit still.  One who thinks she will not get sick so neither will I.



Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Best of-- You Can Fly

Things are slow here so I have again dipped into the past.  This was a play on being accused of having a Peter Pan complex.  Wendy was a crush and Tinkerbell of course is still one of my best friends.


Monday, April 9, 2007

You Can Fly

"You can fly, just take my hand." I told her. "We can fly together".

On one of my forays into the real world, I found her. Wendy caught my eye perched between the real world and one of her own, sad and alone, in need of attention. I would come back to visit her and her eyes would sparkle. Unable to resist we took flight.

Our worlds overlap like layers of mist and I pulled her away from the real world on shared adventures. She is no stranger to the clouds and I longed to keep her here with me-- for a part of her wanted to be.

We lay stretched out on the rocks staring at the stars. "I hate what she has done to you," Wendy says to me.

I look at her confused. There was sadness in her eyes. "I don’t know what you mean."

She doesn't elaborate. Something nags at me, an ache at the base of my spin. 'I should know', I find myself thinking. The thought escapes me quickly, caught on the wind. "You may cry for me. I’ve forgotten how," I laugh.

"Come on, my shadow has gotten away from me again,"I shout, all other thoughts forgotten. "This time we'll fix it good."

“You ever think of the future?” Wendy wonders aloud. We are in a cove away from the mermaids, the pirates, the monsters and fairies. The day is our own.

“Why would I do that? Nothing changes here.” I dive into the clear water, than turn and pull her in with me. Surfacing we laugh. She is close to me and I can smell the fragrance of her hair. “Save those thoughts for someday. Someday never comes,” I say smugly, proud of my wisdom.

"Have you seen yourself in the looking glass? You are not as young as you think."

"It is a trick of the real world. I refuse to believe it ." I say brushing it away with a nonchalant wave of my hand. "I have no time for the looking glass. We still have much to do."

Shaking her head, she smiles. "Never change Peter," she whispers.

Wendy’s visits became fewer. Flying is harder for her. Our time together never seems to come. She tries pulling me into the real world. I don’t understand why she feels the need. I resist, kicking and pouting. "Why would I want to do that? You belong in Never Land. Come with me, let’s fly again."


Tinkerbell flutters about me partially ignored. Her dark hair flowing in the breeze, mischief surrounds her. She is eager for fun. The night is bright and calm. I am cloaked within my world, lost in thought.

She surmises where my thoughts are. "You spend too much effort on this, Wendy girl." She says, carefully irritation creeping into her voice.

"Come on Tink, don’t be that way. She is not like the others." I stare out at past Mermaid Lagoon, planning elaborate adventures for Wendy and I.

Tinkerbell's impatient buzzing increases. Hands on her hips, poised to speak, she stops. The fairy girl watches me for a moment. Resigned, she shrugs her shoulders and flies off only to return later and repeat her complaints again.

My plans come to not. When next I visit the real world Wendy's room has changed. "Why have you put away your toys?" I ask. "It’s not someday."

"It is time for me to grow up a little Peter." She turns from me and feigns interest in the folds of her dress. "You should consider it too," she continues.

Her words sting me. suddenly my heart is in my throat blocking my words. The room closes in around me. 'You can not get older', I try to shout but the words are trapped inside. Trembling, I fly out her window in rage.

Returning later, I sit on her window ledge and peer at her through the glass. She is sleeping peacefully. Her dreams are hidden from me. The night is cold. Light from the full moon shines through the window, casting shadows about the room, but my shadow is nowhere to be seen. It has escaped me again. My fingers pull absently at the frayed stitching hanging from my sock where Wendy once sewed my shadow to me.

I raise my hand to the glass, as if to touch her. "Don’t leave me too, Wendy," I whisper.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Neutral

I try not to get political here.  This is a spot for me to tell my story not to preach my ideas.  There are a lot of people in my state (Michigan) suffering. In fact all my friends have been either laid off or given some sort of pay cut.  I am very lucky.  I may come through this without lasting affects.

There are people on Facebook, so I hear I do not have an account, that are protesting our governor for shutting the state down so tight.  These people are obviously spending to much time on Facebook and not enough time noticing that Michigan has the third highest number of cases.This virus is killing the old and weak.  Unfortunately it is not picking on the selfish or stupid.

I tried fixing the inner tube on my exercise bike but it is still leaking slowly.  I can get an hour workout before it needs to be refilled.  I ordered a new inner tube from Amazon.  It should be here by the weekend.

I could get used to working from home if it wasn't for the isolation.  That has given me something to think about.  My next carrier change will need to be with a company with more flexible policies.

Monday, April 13, 2020

A Visitor

My youngest showed up announced yesterday.  Although I was glad to see him.  He should not be coming over.  His mother works are one of the busiest hospitals in downtown Detroit.  Still I did not kick him out.  Monday is his birthday.  He will be twenty-one.  He decided it would be a good idea to by some beer and celebrate.  So we did.

I was not feeling well yesterday, so I did not drink.   I am beginning to have pains like I did back in December.  I am beginning to wonder if it is holiday stress induced.  I do not even think of Easter as a holiday.  Billy finally texted back, the day after I tried calling her.

Billy: Hey.  How you been?  I'm alright.  Struggling with being unemployed right now with no insurance, but making the best of it.  You hanging in there?

Bathwater:  What the heck?  I was worried about you.  I you haven't replied in a week.  I am okay.  Trying to stay busy.

That is all she relayed.  I am not going to bother writing too much into it.  Like I said before.  She would be the worst person to be quarantined with right now.

Max didn't stay long.  There was an awkward moment at the door when he was leaving.  We didn't know whether to bump elbows or just wave goodbye.  I felt like a prisoner getting a visit.  This isolation is taking a toll on my mental health.

The boss did not cut our salaries during our weekly review, although he did mention several of the customers who did.  He is trying to apply for government loans.  If the money isn't coming out of his bottom line we will be okay.

I use an old bike on a stand to exercise on the basement the stand provides resistance but it seems the back tire has developed a leak near the valve stem.  I will have to fix it myself if I can get an inner tube for the wheel.  I will need to look for that today.  The bike is the only consistant exercise I have been able to maintain while at home.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Updates

Yesterday was in the mid-sixties.  It will not be that warm again in the near future.  I took that opportunity to get out and both ride my bike and walk.  I listened to top 100 alternatives songs from the 2000's.  It is the sound track of my blogs.  They say that music can be uplifting but I do not find it to be true. 

Most days I sit in silence.  The never ending voice inside my head is constantly talking.  They say with meditation we can learn to quiet the voice but it is my only company during these days of quarantine.

I am on Chapter 6 of my memoir.  It is the point when Billy and I first meet.  Ready through those old posts is very emotional. I still have not heard from Billy.  If it was any other friend  I would just call but I am not sure it is my place to call her.  I am going to wait until tomorrow. I am expecting to get a recording, or for it to go straight to voicemail. 

Back in February the physic used the term, "she hasn't learned her lesson yet".  Is that a nice way of saying she is going to jail?  Many of you think I give the physic's words to much validity.  Perhaps I do, but I can't fault anything she has said.

Last night a light rain can through the area.  In the middle of the night the wind picked up making the condo creak and grown under the force.  I was awake.  I don't sleep well unless I take Advil PM's to knock me out.  That is a habit I don't want to start.

Tomorrow the owner has scheduled a meeting for us.  Several of my co-workers feel it is to tell us he is cutting back salaries.  I hope not, but it makes sense.  I am not concerned.  Unlike many who are less fortunate now I can afford to live on half my salary.  Still it will mean cutting back on extra curricular activities.  Not that much of that is happening right now.

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside...Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Chapter 5: The Penthouse Club

I have added the fifth chapter to my memoir on Wattpad for any of you who are reading it.  It is still a first draft but I would love to get some feedback.  Is it worth completing?  If you like the writing here and are curious about my earlier years you should give it a try.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/213417032-lost-and-found-in-glitter

Lost and Found in Glitter

In case you are wondering, that image was taken at the Penthouse Club in Detroit and yes that is Billy on a side stage.  She was so beautiful.

Living in Fear

Bathwater:  I think the days I am suppose to be working are worse.  There is little to do for 8 hours.

Rose: Yes I know!  Lol, well I am not scared to see you if you're not.

Bathwater: Are you sure you are safe?

Rose: I haven't been around anyone but no one knows for sure I guess.

I declined to take Rose up on her offer. I am not afraid of getting the virus.  I still think I might have had it.  I am resigned to the self-isolation.  Perhaps I am getting used to being alone.  There are few people I would break my seclusion to see (the Gymnast being one).

I am in a malaise just short of depression and it scares me.  By the time this is over, being alone could become the new normal for me.  This is not how I expected 2020 would be.  I am sure none of us did.  The death toll is supposed to peak this week in Michigan an then start to recede. By May things should be close to normal.  I am sure things will begin to rise again once we return to work but I do not care.  A life living in fear is no life worth living.   

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Audience of One

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name
And you ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone? Audience of One, Rise Against

I have not heard from Billy in almost a week despite reaching out to her a few times.  That is not like her, especially with all that is going on.  I have been wondering, is she sick?  Is she in rehab?  Is she in jail?  It could be any combination of the above or none of them.  You never know with her.

While I was walking around my subdivision I was think how it would be nice if I was with someone during the quarantine.   My thoughts drifted to Billy but I quickly realized she would be the worst person to be with during self quarantine.  An addict does not adapt well during a crisis.  Anything can throw her life into chaos during a normal week.  Now she is not working.  What will she do when her money stops coming in, or if her dope stops coming in.

I cannot think of anyone I would wanted to be quarantined with. The ideal person does not exist in my life.  Maybe they never did.  I never took the time to think, this is the person I could spend a year in isolation with.  I was always too busy with my day to think about eventualities.  Do you?

Billy is the closest to being that person though.  I turned a blind eye to her addiction to be with her.  I am not sure what that says about me.  I fear it says I will not find that ideal person. In the end it didn't matter.  Billy left me for another and here I sit watching the world go to hell... an audience of one.

Dragon Hoard

Little mentioned fact on this blog so far is that I collect Legos.  I have been collecting since before my twins were born so that means at least 27 years.  I have spare bedroom dedicated to them but the amount of built models overflows that room.

Billy liked to build the models with me.  For a while it was hard to get motivated to build anything.  I used to make original models but I lost the motivation.  Last week I was try to build an elevated train station but I got disappointed with my train car and lost interest. This weekend I decided to change that.

I have always wanted to build a dragon hoarding over a treasure.  I choose a Harry Potter set I bought before quarantine to use as a starting point.  It had a decent dragon but I made several changes to it.  It took my three hours to get the legs the way I wanted.  After several rebuilds and slight changes he is complete.  This morning it was time to work on the treasure hoard.  I started with a mosaic floor and worked my way out.  I am happy with the results but I need to work on my lighting and editing.

I used to have Photoshop and my son's digital camera.  These photos are from my phone without any edits.  Still it was a good start.  I will probably take it apart and work on it some more.  That is the only way I know to get it right.





Thursday, April 2, 2020

What I Have Been Looking At

When I am not surfing porn out of boredom I am looking at the virus numbers.  I am sure that most people are already tracking the virus on one site or another.  I find three sites very interesting. 

US Health Weather Map by Kinsa

This map tracks fevers reported by internet enabled thermometers.  When fevers start to climb in an area you can expect an explosion of hospital cases and deaths to occur about four weeks later.

COVID-19 

This site projects when the virus will be at its peak in any given area in the US.  It also shows whether there will be enough beds for the sick.

Johns Hopkins

This site shows total number of confirmed cases and deaths world wide. 

Stay safe.  Stay home. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

I Ventured to the Store

I made a list of the essentials, eggs, bread, coffee, cookies, ice cream and a dozen other things.   It was the first time in two weeks I wore jeans.  They felt weirdly confining compared to my sweat pants.  I fitted a surgical mask to the contours of my nose, packed a baggie with sanitary wipes and went to the grocery store yesterday.

I know I said I was going to stay inside but on line ordering of food is back-logged over a week in my area.  I didn't want to run that low and I needed my comfort food God knows there is very little other comfort going on here.  It was my first trip in ten days. 

There were a lot of cars on the road for this area being a hot spot (just north of Detroit).  It was 5:00 p.m.  The skies were streaked with grey clouds and a light drizzly began to fall as I got out of the Jeep.  I wiped down a shopping cart from the parking lot and entered Walmart.

The store was not crowded but there were people shopping, most for food but some seemed to be browsing.  About a quarter of the people wore some type of mask.  A saw several people shopping in groups of two and three.  What is that about?  Why increase your families risk?  One couple even had a baby with them.  There was even a group of six teens aimlessly wandering the household aisles.

Shopping was as solitary an experience as being home.  I didn't talk with anyone. Didn't get near anyone.  I opened cooler doors with wipes, paid with my phone and wiped my hands constantly.
When I returned to the house, the first thing I did was wash my hands.  Then I unpacked my groceries, washed my hands again and sanitized them after for good measure. 

It is going to be a long April.  I have not been able to convince the Gymnast to leave her quarantine and risk entering mine...at least not yet, but I know her, she gets horny and her toys will eventually not be enough to keep her inside.  Till then, I still have five more seasons of Once Upon a Time to watch.  I think I will let my hair go grey and grow out a beard.  If I am going to be a hermit.  I should look like a hermit.