Mixed Bag

 I've started packing bags. The Gladiator is washed, although I don't think it will stay clean with the weather we are getting for the next two days. I am updating my playlist and investigating stops along the route. I am overkilling my preparations, but it is better to be prepared. I have a feeling Ava will be more last-minute in her preparations.

I have been getting hair bumps from shaving lately. The only culprit I can point to in this change is the soap Ava gave me. I am not sure why that would be, but I haven't changed anything else. So that is annoying.

March dragged on with little change in the weather. I hope April is better. I don't plan to take my computer on the trip, but I think I will take my tablet just encase I decide to take notes along the way. Work is piling up, but I hope to have a better attitude after a few days away.

I was moody last week when I wrote the post Weak, but that has passed. Perhaps it is all part of letting go of the past. I am content, maybe a little bored, and looking forward to Spring. 

I have been editing Dave's book and reading a few by David Gemmell, searching for inspiration for my own. Gemmel was a great writer of heroic fantasy. I was sad when he passed. 

Winter Returns

Winter returned over the weekend, disregarding the date and bringing snow Saturday and Sunday. We received enough snow during the night to cover the ground Saturday morning and Sunday I took Twin A to lunch through snow squalls that limited visibility but didn't add any accumulation.  We will have cooler temperatures on the road trip than I hoped. Still, I am looking at getting away.

This week will be busy leading up to our departure. When I was a boy, my mother would have to clean the entire house before we left on any trip. She would be in a dark mood that would not lift until we were on the road. It dampened the excitement. My two brothers and I would make ourselves scarce while she cleaned to avoid her wrath.

I did not inherit her pretravel moods, but I did clean the condo this weekend. I want to clean the Gladiator inside and out before we leave, but the weather will be cold and rainy the next few days. 

I am working from home the first three days this week, so that will give me a few extra hours to finalize the trip by picking out a few places of interest along the route. I will be going to yoga on Wednesday instead of Tuesday this week, and I have a massage scheduled for Thursday evening. 

I took Ava to the River Crab Friday night. She enjoyed the food and the view. She was particularly interested in the driftwood floating down the river. Thinking of ways to harvest it for free and make some craft projects out of it. 

"So if we go to the sand dunes on Lake Michigan this summer are we going to be filling the back of the truck with driftwood?" I asked her.

Ava plans on spending the night Thursday, so we can get an early start the next morning. So we will be spending four nights and four days together. It is our first trip and I am anxious to see how it will go.

Weak

One of the last things I said to Billie was agonizing comes from not making a decision. Things become easier once you make the decision. Right or wrong, you make a choice, and you are no longer polarized. She doubted my wisdom, but it's true. Knowing this doesn't solve my problem.

But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy, I love it when I fall for that
I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy, I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak...Weak, AJR

Billie consistently appears in my dreams. Wednesday night, I dreamed I was rescuing  Billie from rehab. Like most of my dreams, things turned sideways, and she was missing as much as she appeared.

I have unresolved issues leftover from our relationship. My feelings are conflicting. I know our time has passed, but yesterday Billie weighed heavy on my mind. I don't talk about it much anymore. It doesn't resolve anything, and no one wants to listen.

I wrote a version of this yesterday but didn't post it. I've distilled my thoughts down to one simple truth, I miss Billie. I probably always will.

Blah

It is a quiet week. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night, I went to the 7:00 pm Basic Class for yoga. I prefer the Wednesday class at 5:30 pm. The regulars that come to the Tuesday night class are talkative and loud prior to the start. It makes it hard to get relaxed. Ava prefers the later start time. Even though she didn't join me this week, I didn't bother switching. I will next week if Ava doesn't join me.

The newlywed bride is trimming my hair Thursday. I'm sure Alexis will have plenty to tell me. My hair isn't that long. Usually, I'd wait a week, but I feel like I will be busy next week, and I want to look nice for the Tennesse trip.

Ava and I are going to dinner Friday. I haven't asked her any questions concerning the arrangement she is thinking about entering. All she's told me so far is, thanks to my advice, she would be living alone if she accepted it. I'm pretty sure Ava will. Whether she will still be able to see me regularly, if she does is yet to be seen. I should start looking for a new girl, but I haven't been in the mood.

I've been on other dating apps lately and had a few conversations, but I haven't been interested in anyone who has been interested in me. I just fade after a few text exchanges. The Detroit metro area is abysmal for dating.

My road trip is only is ten days away. The forecast is not predicting warm weather, but I don't care. I just want to get away for a few days. This is the first time Ava and I have traveled together. I'm curious how she will be on the road and on the trip in general.

After

It was close to ten. Most of the wedding guests had left the restaurant. The staff was cleaning up, mostly ignoring the few of us that remained. I joined the best man and one of his friends sitting alone at the bar in conversation.

The best man wanted to ask our waitress for her number. He is a young kid, barely old enough to drink. "How should I do it?" He asks me. 

"Look, you are tall, good-looking. Just ask her if she would like to hang out sometime and ask for her number. What do you have to lose? The worst thing that can happen is she will say no."

She didn't say no, and they exchanged numbers.

Alexis had her mind set on going to a bar to dance after the wedding. Sam and I wanted to go home. She was drunk, and I was tried, but Alexis was offended when we wanted to call it a night, so we acquiesced. 

I drove the newlyweds. They were in no shape to drive, but I had maintained my designated driver status through the evening. We went to a microbrewery a few miles away in downtown St. Clair. The bar was not crowded, and the patrons were primarily young hipsters.

Six of us went to the bar from the wedding, the bride and groom, the groom's sister and her husband, Sam, and me. Sam and a stuffed dollars into the electronic jukebox and picked out songs, but the staff remotely turned down the music as we made our choices. They didn't want the outsiders getting rowdy.

No one danced, and the conversation revolved around childhood memories. The others have known each other since childhood, so I had little to add to the discussion. I'm not much of a social person and tend to grow silent in a crowd. It is something I should probably work on. I prefer one on one conversations.

Sam and I stayed for an hour then left the newlyweds in the hands of the other couple who were also staying the night at the motel. We discussed the evening on the ride home. Sam mostly downplayed the consequences that would later stem from the marriage. 

I forgot to ask Sam about her own relationship issues. During dinner, Alexis indicated that Sam went back to the guy she dropped after being stood up on New Year for one evening. Sam insisted her feelings had changed and she wouldn't be dating him. I noted Sam posted a selfie of her and me on Instagram where this guy would see it. He initially reached out to her on Instagram. It is one of only two photos she's ever posted.

Sam may say she is over him, but the move was calculated nonetheless. Alexis told me Sam spent an evening looking over the guy's Facebook account from her phone. Sam doesn't have her own Facebook account. This had something to do with her decision.

The Wedding

 Saturday, I laid around most of the morning before making myself lunch and getting on the computer. I typed out my latest post and worked on edits to Dave R's new book. Outside it was raining and gloomy. I couldn't shake the urge to write. Editing motivates me to work on my own stories.

I pulled on a black pair of work pants and ironed a casual blue button-down shirt for the wedding. Alexis said the groom was wearing jeans, so I didn't feel the need to overdress. I wanted to wash the Gladiator before picking up Sam and Alexis, but the rain drowned that idea.

I picked up Sam at her house. She wore black slacks and a black jacket over a white lowcut top that showed plenty of cleavage. Alexis was already at the venue. As soon as we got into the truck, Sam described how someone the groom told spread the news to others in  Alexis' social circle. 

The ceremony had not happened yet, and it was already public news amongst Alexis' friends that she was keeping it secret from. Who knows why she wanted it to be hidden. Probably because she is doing it for the money. Perhaps she was afraid someone would talk the groom out of it.

The wedding was held at The River Crab, an upscale restaurant on the shore of the St. Clair river. The groom purchased two rooms at the attached Blue Water Inn motel, and a few of the guests did also. The St. Clair river narrows at this location. Canada can be seen just a few yards away. The St. Clair River joins Lake Huron to Lake St. Clair, which leads to the Detroit River. People come out to eat and watch the freighters go by in the summer.  

The rain continued throughout the day and into the night. Sam and I met up with Alexis in her room while the groom was getting ready three doors down. Alexis was visibly nervous, and both women were already pre-drinking. Sam showed me the groom's ring. It was a simple silver band, but it was huge. I slid it over my thumb with room to spare. 

Before the ceremony, the officiator came to our room to have the bride, groom, and witnesses sign the marriage license. I offered to get the groom. I refrained from asking if he was ready to sign his life away and instead opted to just say he needed to sign the license.

The bride wore black slacks over a white top. She showed me a pair of white lace underwear when Sam and I arrived. There was a small round electronic music device attached to the front. When you squeezed it, Here Comes The Bride played. "I found these in my underwear draw last night," She told me excitedly. "I haven't seen them in thirty years, and it still works."

 The groom wore a blue sports coat over a blue tee-shirt and grey jeans. The groom carries most of his weight in his ample stomach, but he doesn't look like he is ready to check out anytime soon. He's a deep-voiced gregarious man. Who is outwardly funny and flirtatious, but from all accounts lonely and disturbed.

Neither the groom nor bride are tall, and both are overweight, but if you met them, you would think they make a good pairing.

The ceremony and dinner occurred in a room off the main dining area with a beautiful river view. The ceremony was quick. Just the words you expect to hear at a wedding. The groom briefly spoke after. Sam and I sat with the bride and groom at a small round table, and the twenty other guests, all from the groom's side, sat down from us.

A few things were obvious. The groom and guest took the wedding as more than just a convenient arrangement. It was hard to tell what the bride was thinking. If the guests felt it was strange that the bride did not invite any of her friends to the wedding outside of Sam and me, only the groom's sister mentioned it, and I think she knew more about the true nature of the wedding. 

The groom painted it as childhood sweethearts who have finally come back together. I find that hard to accept because Monday, they will go back to living separate lives in separate houses with no plans of moving in together.

It just reinforces the idea that I will never get married again. Sam jokingly asked, "You wouldn't consider marrying me, Bathwater?" 

"Sam, I'll admit you are on my exceptions list." 

She was by far the prettiest woman there that evening, and I found myself staring at her cleavage more than once. Though she is a good and loyal friend, she is not in love with me, and I am in love with a different ideal.

We Are All Characters In Someone's Story

 I was once accused of making things up on my blog. I don't. I'm silent when things are boring. Even Billie never accused me of lying, although she seldom liked what she read. Though everything is written from my point of view and that undoubtedly colors the tail, this is true of many good stories.

Once, while sitting on the couch, I asked Ava, "haven't you ever visited someone in jail?" She looked at me, shocked at the thought. Four people on my Cast of Characters page have been to jail at least once. A fifth is no longer on the page but was featured in twenty-one posts. Can you guess who they all are?

I visited three of them while they were in jail, if you include the video chats with Firefly, bailed out one, and picked up two of them when they were released.

Before you ask, I have never been arrested or charged with any crimes. That makes me sound shadier than I am, but honestly, haven't we all done something against the law? If you haven't done anything-- anything at all-- then my Cast of Characters would seem interesting.

I will reveal the four and what got them arrested after the wedding post if you are interested. My life has definitely been the road less traveled since the divorce. Perhaps that is why I'm where I'm at today. I wouldn't go back and change things, though.

I hesitate to list my crimes here, but most are in my memoir anyway, and in most cases, I was a reluctant accessory. I was about to include one story that did not make the blog or the memoir, but there are some things that others would rather forget. Even though I was involved, it isn't necessary or beneficial to reveal them for a post. I will say, no one died, thankfully.

I've seen many sides of the human experience. I feel like it has given me greater empathy for what others experience.

Snippets

This week has been full of conversation. Each deserves a separate post, but I have been to busy lately. Her are snippets from a few.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young

Ava is lying below me. we are lying diagonally across the bed and her legs are over my shoulders. She already came while I had her bent over the side of the bed and I have slowed the pace. The sex has been a mixture of conversation and acrobatics. I'm a talker, even in bed.

I am resting on my hunches while still inside her, lightly stroking her ribs and along the underside of her breast with my fingers. "That feels nice," she tells me. "You should write a book. I would be vouch for you."

"I already wrote a book. You didn't read it," I tell her.

"Is there sex in it?"

"Some," I assure her. I withhold the fact I have written about our encounters here on this blog, though she knows I still write.

"I have been with younger guys and they don't have your stamina. You have to reveal your diet, or whatever it is..." She has made this comment before.

"I think these condoms have more to do with it."  I don't mention any other reason. I know when to keep my mouth shut. I take her praise with a grain of salt, but it is nice to hear. She still has plenty to experience. Still, it doesn't hurt for her to think about what she will be missing if she proceeds with her deal.

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know... When you Were Young, The Killers

*     *     *

I checked in with Firefly last night. I have been keeping tabs on her Snapchat and Instagram posts. She appears happy, but she is good about posting things in the best light.

Bathwater: So blondie, how are you and the orange doing? I am proud of the way you stepped up to your situation.

Firefly: She is an avocado now! She's good. I have the anatomy scan April 4th. I should be moving out by May. I have $1500 saved right now.

Bathwater: Wow, you are doing good! Is baby-daddy pulling his weight?

Firefly: Kinda,lol. He just got a new job $15 an hour.

Firefly is planning a shower, working, and keeping up with her probation requirements. I didn't inquire any further for now. I am sure she knows she has a long road ahead of her.

*     *     *

Alexis called me Wednesday, out of the blue, complaining about having to find a dress and how nothing fits. The wedding has become a bigger affair than she planned. The groom has invited twenty people. Alexis invited only Sam and me. She told her mom about the nuptials but reminded me not to mention where we are going on Saturday in front of her son. He will think we are going to a friend's class reunion.

"Sam has been crabby lately," Alexis tells me. Sam broke up with a short-term boyfriend in January. Her first in over two years.

"That's what happens when you stop getting laid," I tell her.

Sam doesn't say much concerning Alexis' plans. The two have known each other too long. She just watches things unfold. She is probably passive-aggressively expressing her disapproval. Apparently, I am not only Sam's date for the evening but her designated driver. There is sure to be a lot of drinking at this wedding. The bride and groom and staying the night at a hotel, separate rooms I am told. Both will be too drunk to do more than pass out anyway.

It should be an interesting occasion. I cannot wait to relate the details.

Follow-Up

I would like to address questions in the comments in the previous post.

Several people pointed out men can be emotional too. I agree. I am very emotional. It would be a better statement to say that the way the man and the woman approach these arrangements will be different. 

Alexis is a hairstylist. She lives with her 80-year-old mother, her 16-year-old son, and Sam. Alexis worked out of a salon before covid. Now she works out of her house and survives off that income and government assistance. She is trying to get on disability, but Sam questions whether she qualifies (so do I). Alexis' health issues have more to do with a poor diet, lack of exercise, and abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs.

Alexis never plans to live with or consummate this marriage. It is strictly so she can benefit from his healthcare, receive a portion of his pension after he dies, and get the $150,000 in life insurance. The guy is buying someone to care about him. Unfortunately, Alexis will probably care more about him dying than living.

Ava texted me yesterday. She said after our discussion, where I told her she should push for what she wants, the arrangement will be her living alone. It wasn't that way before. He wanted to live with her, which would have made it awkward. This doesn't mean she will have a license to sleep with other guys. The fact that monogamy is an integral part of his arrangement is interesting. Ava says it is because he is old-fashioned. I agree, but not for the reasons she gives for his request. Besides, there is no way Ava will be able to comply with that. She is already scheming ways around it. He could use infidelity against her toward the end of the two-year arrangement. After all, I doubt she will be signing any contracts.

Why do I have a problem with either of these arrangements? Because they are not simple business contracts. A simple business contract is, I will pay you $10, and you will provide me with a widget.

Let's start with Alexis. Her contract sounds simple. I will marry you on paper, and in return, you will put me on your health insurance now, and I will receive a portion of your pension when you die. Thinking about it now, it doesn't make sense, and  I think Alex is leaving out some detail. Perhaps because he is morbidly obese, and she doesn't want to admit to anything sexual. Regardless, there will be all these unspoken expectations-- from the guy. We are married. You need to take care of me when I am sick. You need to go to school functions (he is a teacher). Trips? Sex? Medical bills after his death?

Alexis doesn't have any unspoken expectations, and though she knows the arrangement comes with these implicit strings, she will do her best to avoid them.

Ava's situation is similar. The guy is buying his widgets in bulk and will have his own implicit strings. Ava will do her best to control and minimize these because it is not part of her plan or desire. Ava wants financial stability and to secure her future. The best way to do that is not to be controlled by someone else's expectations that she knows going in she cannot agree to. Heck, Ava doesn't even want to conform to the spoken expectation of monogamy. What happens after the two years, and he wants to continue, but she says no?

I don't have a problem with either woman's decision, although I think Alexis' arrangement is morally objectionable. She should be helping the man seek mental health services, not hoping he will die. "Well, someone should benefit from his death" is not a valid argument, in my opinion. I think I will be saying, "See, I told you so," to both. 

 Ava's arrangement with me is different. We are a simple business contract. We could part ways tomorrow, and neither could say they were cheated or that expectations were not met.

My friend Jay keeps telling me plenty of wealthy widows live in his condo complex in Florida. I could go down there and find myself a similar arrangement. The idea doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

Two Stories

I am going to a wedding this weekend. My friend Alexis is marrying an old friend from high school. It is not a marriage of love. The guy she is marrying is morbidly obese, an alcoholic, and has several health issues. Alexis is marrying him because he has no heirs and has committed to signing her onto his health insurance and pension (he is a teacher and has good coverage).

The marriage will never be consummated. They will never live in the same house. Alexis is securing her future, although I think his life insurance will get wasted by her on booze and online gambling. For his part, the man faces his own mortality and fears dying alone.

The wedding was supposed to be a simple justice of the peace affair. Few were supposed to know about it, but the man has since invited twenty members of his family and friends. Alexis has invited two, Sam and me.

I warned her that this arrangement would come with a price. Alexis doesn't want the marriage to become public knowledge because she fears judgment, but I think the guy will hold it over her head. Alex thinks the guy doesn't have long to live, although he needs to live at least a year for her to get the full benefit. I warned her that the human body can take a lot of abuse and nothing is ever free.

It should be an interesting ceremony.

*     *     *

Ava is still in talks with a wealthy older man. He wants an exclusive relationship with her for two years. The man offered a place to live that would become hers after, a salary, and health insurance. In turn, he asked for an exclusive arrangement. She is not attracted to him. Ava is already looking for loopholes. The fact she went on a four-day trip to Florida with him and slept in separate rooms is telling. Ava and I will not be sleeping in different rooms when we travel to Tennessee.

Ava is already scheming up ways to continue seeing me. I am left to assume I give her something she knows she will lose, and it isn't financial security. The man's offer dwarfs anything I provide. He can take her anywhere, give her anything. Still, she wants to go to Hawaii with me.

Months ago, I deduced something happened to Ava four years ago. Ava lost her virginity at twenty-four. She is twenty-nine now. That relationship changed everything for her. She felt betrayed by him in some way that she would not go into detail, but she said he lost her trust.

I warned her this arrangement would come with an unspoken price and the benefits seem vague at best at this point. I warned if she was going to go into this, she should make sure it was on her terms. "Make a list of what you want and stick to them. You have more power here than you think. I doubt this will be the last opportunity you will get," were the words I left her with. Financial, she thinks it is a lot to give up, but I warned her it sounds like the same situation she is trying to escape, and she will not be happy.

*     *     *

I understand Alexis and Ava's motivations better than ever, but I also know that women are emotional and men are more logical. The two do not mix. The goals they want from the arrangements are not the same as the men's goals, regardless of how it is framed. You cannot buy love, and that is what these men seek. I know because I have been there. This difference in mindset will cause friction.

It has been so hard for me to get over Billie because she did love me for a time. I disagree with what Alexis and Ava are doing, but not because they take what is being offered to them. I don't think it is good for them. They will not learn to take care of themselves or live on their own terms. But, that is just my opinion-- and I think logically.

Snow, Again

 

Woke up to see this from my balcony Sunday morning. You can see the wood piled near the new construction I mentioned previously. The snow will be gone by Tuesday, but it puts a damper on the idea of Spring being on the way. Despite the snow, Max and I went to a local Lego resale shop. The roads were slick in spots, but it was a planned adventure so we headed out according to schedule.

The lego resale shop is a family-owned business. It struggled through the pandemic. They make part of their money from kids' parties and those were not happening last year. You never know what you will find in the store. They buy old sets from customers and resale parts and pieces at a significant mark-up. 

With the amount of Lego I have in my condo I could open a similar store. I have 70% of the same inventory they had on hand sitting on shelves now, but it would mean depleting my collection. I am not ready to do that yet. 

People are asking to see what stage my current creation is in, but currently, it is in pieces. The reason we ventured to the resale store was to replenish certain colors. I need more light blue for the water. You can see past images if you select the label Lego on the right.

Otherwise, my weekend was quiet. I spent a lot of time thinking about my next novel while rewatching The Magicians on Netflix. I love that show. It has excellent writing, although I think the first three seasons are the best.

The parts to repair the sun visor on the Gladiator arrived and I installed them Saturday. They seemed to work. I even reinstalled the screen on the door wall in hopes that I will be able to open it and let the air in soon.

I have to admit, I have not been very productive these past few weekends. I will blame it on the weather, but I do need to get motivated. 

Mixed Bag of Hope and Gas

 Hope and I had arranged to meet up last night, but I ghosted her instead. Hope and I talked about getting together for more than two months, but she would always back out, or the weather would get in the way. Through our brief text conversations, things with Hope never felt right. She sounded more like Firefly and less like Ava. In the end, I had an uneasy feeling about meeting her and decided to ghost her.

I woke this morning to an inch of snow on the ground. Yes, it is still coming down, but it looks like the weather will shift next week. I have been ordering parts and getting the bikes ready to ride. It will probably not happen until Ava and I get back from the caves in Tennessee.

I don't have any big plans for the weekend. I should pull out the big Lego project and decide what the next step will be. I think it will require the purchase of parts for water. March is turning out to be an expensive month. I paid $500 in taxes and software. It took $72 dollars to fill the Gladiator earlier this week and that was BEFORE gas went to over $4. It is going to make for an expansive road trip to Tennessee which is nine hours away. The trip will cost over $300 in gas alone. 

Struggling to Thrive

 Tuesday evening, Ava and I went to yoga. The class was half full. I am not sure if it is economics or covid keeping people from returning, but my guess is it is probably a bit of both. Afterward, we stopped at Krogers to pick up some items to make dinner. My kitchen is fully stocked for my needs, but it is devoid of the fresher things Ava prefers though I am getting better at picking those out. Things like mushrooms, which I don't like, tend to have a shorter shelf life and don't get eaten fast enough to keep around.

We sat on the couch after dinner. Ava picked through a container of pomegranate seeds while we talked. Ava wants to move out on her own. I think she would be happier, but she is not willing to make the commitment or sacrifices it would take. She lives in her head, dreaming of possibilities without putting plans in place that would lead her to exactly what she wants. Ava allows the distractions her current life offers to avoid making plans.

It was a good conversation, and I offered some advice. After thinking about what she said further, I will offer up more advice next time we meet. I think she should get an apartment on her own. If she needs help, people (not me) are willing to cosign for her. Ava has good credit but no rental history. She should get a full-time job. This would impede the traveling she has enjoyed lately, but the traveling is just an excuse to get away from home anyway.

Getting her own place would allow her to live life on her terms, and she could start doing the things she says she wants to do. Ava has big plans in her head, but big plans begin with little actions. I am not faulting her, but I don't think she is being offered opportunities to benefit her. There are always strings attached. She doesn't need those strings. She is not struggling to live. Ava struggles to thrive.

Ava is reluctant to live life on her terms, but she will not be happy until she does. When she does, she will make better decisions for herself. 

Frogs

 They are digging holes in the lawn in several areas around the complex. On the way home from the dentists, I asked one of the workers what the project was for. He indicated they were running gas lines to the new construction going on across from my building. 

I am disappointed by this new series of condos being built. The original plans called for a small park across from me. Those plans were scrapped when the builder redivided the land. soon I will be looking at other condo units when I step onto my balcony. I might have to start getting dressed before walking in front of the window. 

I used to know it was spring when I could open the door-wall and hear the frogs chirping at night. I doubt they will be as loud this year. It reminded me of this post. I couldn't find the original date, but Max will be twenty-three this year. 

Frogger
Originally Posted (Unkown)

"Let's pretend we are biologists searching for a frog that can cure cancer."

"What's that?"

"It's an illness you don't have to worry about Max."

Max called me this afternoon wanting to come over for his extra day as he calls them now. I picked him up and we went frog hunting at the retention pond in the subdivision near my condo complex. It was a beautiful day. The rich smell of hot tar came drifting down from the wooden bridge over the drain. We made our way down the banks slowly. Max is a good frog catcher. At his home, he always has two or three in his aquarium. Today we had no luck catching frogs, though we saw a few. Max did find a dragonfly that didn't seem to mind being caught.

We came back to the condo without a frog so we decided to color some frog pictures instead. One thing lead to another and we ended up making our own origami frogs.

At the end is our first video. Our origami frog in action. That is Max's silly voice you hear in the background.

The Dragonfly

A near catch

Max and I

My Body

Friday night, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a noisy bar called The Hub. It has been weeks since we saw each other and it was nice to catch up. We sat at a table next to a group of eight women all close to our age (we are in our fifties). Our entrance garnished some attention from the women at the table. They were probably looking at Jay. He is much better looking than I. 

The women at the table were all overweight. I made a comment to Jay and his wife. Nodding my head to the other table I said, "This is what I deal with."

Sunday, I tried fixing the driver-side sun visor on the Gladiator. It is broken and falls out of the retention slot. It could not be fixed by me. I have to take it to a dealership, but I do not want to schedule an appointment weeks in advance and wait days for them to fix it. Some clever company made a workaround piece of plastic that will fix the issue and keep the other side from breaking. I purchased that and will install them. Hopefully, that will fix the problem. 

I put building my custom Lego project on hold in favor of building an existing Lego 3 in 1 castle. I wanted something easy to build that didn't involve me thinking.

I did a lot of other choirs around the house that left me feeling achy. My body is not what it used to be. Something I am finding hard to accept. Some days I feel like just giving up and surrendering to old age. There are days I wonder why I keep pushing myself. Who am I doing it for?  These thoughts I keep to myself, except for writing them here. 

There are days I get tired of the silence that surrounds me. It is both a prison and a life raft. It reminds me of the meme I saw over the weekend. I will not do it justice here because I don't feel like writing out the complete scientific study, but a dog raised in torture is afraid to free itself. Somedays I feel like that dog. I think a lot of people do whether they see it or not. I cannot fault others for what I do myself.

 My body tells me no, but I won't quit

Cause I want more, cause I want more
My body tells me no, but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more... My Body, Young The Giant

Not Far

 I bought  The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It is actually an interesting book. It is not earth-shaking with revelations but a gentle and readable reminder of sensible ideas. I am on the last chapter. I bought the audio too and will be listening to it while I drive.

Ava and I went to yoga last night. In typical Ava fashion, she was a few minutes late. The girl burns the candle at both ends. She never has enough time in her day. 

At the end of the night, we were lying in bed naked and spooned together. Soft music was playing, and she opened up a bit about her parents. She said since getting the booster, her mother was peeing blood. The doctors didn't have a good reason. Her mother is still in a lot of pain from injuries in a car accident.

"The only thing I say to my father is, not far," she tells me.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"It doesn't matter whether I'm walking out of the house with my backpack or my suitcase. When he asks where I am going, I say not far, then hit the door running like a kid."

"But you are not a kid."

"But I am."

It was an emotional conversation, and she shed tears as she spoke. A lot goes on with her that doesn't get said. Like all of us, she is a product of her upbringing and still trapped by it in many ways.