Billy started back to work on Thursday. Back to work and away from the new boyfriend's jealous eyes, she called me Friday. She is sure she had the virus back in late March/early April when she was sick although she was never tested. She is lives close to the city of Detroit and travels into the city to buy her drugs. I think she is probably right. She is not clean but she says she is only using about six packs a day. That is over a $400 a week habit, but half of what she was using before. I suggested maybe it was time for her to take that final step and get on Suboxone and to get of the illegal stuff. She said she wanted to wait until the issues with the virus have died down. I think she is afraid of letting it go.
She said it is worse for her when she doesn't hear from me. She is always wonders how I am. "Figured you would appear eventually," I told her.
She sounds happy. I have mixed feelings about that. I know we can never be a couple again. I would never trust her. She would end up leaving again and I am tired of watching her killing herself. It was time for us to part. I should want her to be happy. Maybe if I was happy I would want that for her.
I just don't know what would make me happy. I do know I am lonely. It isn't a new truck or an acrobatic fuck buddy that only shows when she wants.
I feel sorry for you, never really been lonely... bored as hell sometimes, but never lonely.
ReplyDeleteI equate the two as the same thing. Weekends I enjoy being away from the computer..usually but there is a certain amount of boredom that comes which it.
DeleteAgree. I feel sorry for you too. Maybe some extensive therapy would help.
ReplyDeleteI have had therapy in the past. Maybe if this continues I will need it again. Writing here is therapeutic. I just want things to get back to normal.
DeleteOh damn, that's sad. I have a family member that's had a problem with pain medicine and it's never easy to watch.
ReplyDeleteNo overtime it takes a toll on you physically. Billy doesn't come from the healthiest bloodline to begin with. In twenty years she will be looking older than her years. She already does.
DeleteIt's never a good time for suboxone or getting clean or rehab, or whatever the alternative to what she is doing is. There is never going to be a right time for Billy until she decides she's done, and do you think that will really ever happen for her? I wonder what would happen if you didn't respond when she reached out to you? I know it's hard as hell, but don't you think you're staying in the dark with her because of these thin strings you guys still have attached? And hey, no judgement, just do what's best for you. I cannot judge on this because I will wax poetic about dudes forever, you know me.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure D. there was a time I thought the same about Tinkerbell. I always think there will never be someone to replace the last. Given time I am of course, I am always proven wrong. Yes these thin threads do make it harder to more forward.
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