Closing the Door

I am self-aware. Firefly would say that I didn't understand her addiction, but that is not true. I am an addict in recovery. It's just that my drug of choice is a person. 

(Excerpt) It's Not Right
Originally Posted: July 10, 2012

 I can't explain my addiction to Billie. I try to write it off as only an attraction to the outside package, but that would be a lie, although I know every curve, every line, and flaw on the outside. There is also something within that draws me to her.
 
"Ever been close to someone, but miles apart? I've been there several times. You hold them tight as if you can force them closer until they whimper, and you realize you're hurting them. There's nothing that will span that distance." 

*     *     *

I wrote that ten years ago. I say I am in recovery, but every email, every text, every Firefly is just me chasing that high. I am in recovery, but once an addict, always an addict. It keeps me from getting close to someone.

And it won't matter now.
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...All I Want, Toad the Wet Sprocket 

Before I mentioned Billie, the psychic suggested I've been reclusive for the past couple of years. I have been. She told me I could be happy with someone like Ava, but I would always be looking for that missing passion-- that addiction (my words, not hers). 

Being in love is my addiction. Each time it happens, it is worse than before. The thought scares me, and so I avoid it. Sam says she has a good feeling about Ava. The psychic thinks I deserve to be happy. It's like telling an alcoholic, one drink won't kill you. I've said to Firefly there are many things in this world to experience. The only way to do that is to give up what you long for.

I am closing the door. Without fanfare. Without spoken truths. I have a weakness, but it doesn't make me weak, because I see it for what it is and I am not giving in.