I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears
You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far
I am not making progress. I could blame it on what is going on in the world but I am not sure that is entirely the case. I am banging my head against a wall. I repeat bad habits expecting the outcome to be different and I get depressed when things turn out the same.
Billy is never far from my mind. She is this construct that I gauge everyone I meet against. I am not she would measure up to the person in my mind. If I found this person, the one who soothed all my issues, this perfect match for the imperfection that is me, she would be exactly the wrong person for me. I know this but I have a hard time accepting it.
Billy used to say, when she wasn't using she didn't feel like herself. I understand what she means. When she is not using she IS herself and that person is a stranger to her. I am a stranger to myself.
We spend our lives constructing the world around us to make us comfortable instead of deconstructing what is that makes us need to protect ourselves. I get the concept and yet I find it extremely hard to practice in this world.
So disappointed follows disappointed, I keep looking for a quick fix instead of accepting the way things are, because I do not find joy in the way things are. I would not find joy in the past but I cannot stop thinking about.
I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway... Barely Breathing, Duncan Shiek
Life is sometimes very difficult. I sometimes struggle with feeling down. I hope that things turn around for you. Take care...
ReplyDeleteI think what becomes difficult, is trying to meet my own expectations. When I reduce my expectations and just allow life to be things are easier. Sometimes it only takes a different perspective to wake me up.
DeleteThe hard truth is that we have to learn how to soothe our own issues. No one else can truly do it for us.
ReplyDeleteActually I think it is correct. We create our own issues why should we expect someone else to soothe them?
DeleteRather moving
ReplyDeletePlease tell me more
I can elaborate in my next post.
DeleteJust so you know, change is one of the most difficult things to achieve since we rely so much on the past.
ReplyDeleteChange is difficult. But change happens regardless of what we want. Acceptance is the hard part.
DeleteSo, you're a bit stuck? Sometimes you just have to change something, if the problems are too big, just pick one thing to enjoy. It's amazing how we can build on one good thing.
ReplyDeleteBetter days will come
I am a bit stuck. I am becoming okay with it though. We cannot do anything else right now.
DeleteI totally get the feeling like a stranger to yourself. I often joke that I am tripolar rather than bipolar, because I go up and down so often and can never seem to be comfortable with anything. Maybe that’s just the sort of person I am and that some of us are, maybe it’s learning to accept that the ride will always be a rollercoaster just because of the way we are.
ReplyDeleteI think we can get caught up in the ride and loose who we are. Looking back at my memoir I see myself addicted to the ride.
Delete