Secret Escape asked:
Have you ever thought that maybe you feel hollow because all you do is look for women to have sex with as opposed to trying to have a real "relationship"? You seem to go into these paid encounters looking for more, and then are disappointed. You're paying Ava for sex, not her innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want someone to share themselves with you, you're going to have to do more than plunk some money down. Choosing people on shallow points will give you shallow results.
I remember going on a date with The Hippie. Looking back, part of the problem was I was not ready to date. Not in that sense. I am not sure much has changed.
That is the crux of the problem. When I was younger, a relationship was the end goal. I thought a relationship would make me happy and solve all my problems. They never did, though, they just created new problems. I ask myself what do I want and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it.
What does a relationship bring with it that I am missing-- companionship, sex, love, someone to grow old with? Even those things can fade over time. When I was with Billie she provided those things and I was willing to sacrifice anything for her. I came home each day to her and never thought, this is not the woman I want to be with.
Billie wasn't perfect. Far from it. She had issues and our relationship came with many problems. My life is easier and has more direction without her. I know where I want to be five and ten years from now. Being in a relationship would not change those goals.
I have a family, friends, a home I love, a car, a job, financial security. What can a relationship bring to me that I value that I don't already have? What I have, is what makes me a valuable partner to a woman looking for a relationship. Sure, there are women who do not need these things either, but they would not be willing to date someone without them. Not seriously.
What can a woman bring to a relationship that I value--looks, sex, a lack of baggage? Those are hard to find in a woman my age. Perhaps it is time for me to start dating again, but I will be doing it with a different mindset.
The problem is that drama can be exciting. Maybe drama is the very thing you thrive on because everything else is in its place? Anyone with great looks and highly motivated by sex is going to have baggage whatever age because that in itself brings drama. If that's what you"value"I would look at exactly what that means to you. Remember this: There is always a price to pay for excitement.
ReplyDeleteI do enjoy a bit of drama I'll admit. I may not have great looks :), but I am motivated by sex-- for a little longer at least. I do value having sex, it is one of life's pleasures. I do not value just being with someone because I am alone. Everything comes with a price. Like the new book I am reading says, you need to determine what you give a fuck about.
DeleteI think part of the problem is dating websites since they make it too easy to disguise the baggage, and may, in fact be magnets for people with baggage.
ReplyDeleteDating sites do not help people date.
DeleteYou do you, Bathwater. As long as you are happy and not breaking the law or hurting anyone then the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know, but I am always questioning my motives and values. I think it is healthy to questions ourselves.
DeleteI don't think I could handle dating in the 21st century.
ReplyDeleteI think dating in any century is hard, but from the numbers and statistics I see, it is getting harder.
DeleteThe dating world sure has changed.
ReplyDeleteCoffee is on and stay safe
Everybody has baggage. Honestly, I couldn't date someone without it, not because I want drama, but I don't want to date a fucking idiot ever again with no relationship or life experience. I need someone with a little bit of trauma so that I know they know what it's like to have bad times and can recognize good. NOW, does that mean they are healed? Absolutely not. I have a ton of trauma, but even though I am wounded, I try to not bleed on other people. I have my shit together, I'm a bit needy, but when I get the security I need in a relationship, it just works. I just have to find the fucked up yang to my fucked up yin.
ReplyDeleteGood luck finding that person Danielle. I don't think I will find that person.
DeleteI think Dating is hard because good matches really is a roll of the Dice, aren't they? We can go thru a lot of people before finding someone we'd want to be committed to and them to feel equally connected to us also. It is also easy to fall in Love with who isn't good for us, or we're not good for them. Sometimes I think finding the Right Relationships is by Chance and Luck really... whether it be Romantic or Friendship... sometimes the Right people come along and sometimes they don't. I agree with Danielle that everybody has Baggage and we're all flawed Human Beings with various Traumatic incidents that happen with Life. I do think you're right that when Younger, a Relationship was often the End Goal at some point... as I Age, if I were still Single, I don't think a Relationship would be the End Goal anymore and so I'd be hesitant to get out into the Dating Scene since I wouldn't want anyone to be misled or feel used. I found my Soulmate and we've been Married a long, long time and if God Forbid he went first, I'd be inclined to make comparisons, which wouldn't be good for the other person... they could never fill a Void that is impossible to fulfill. Perhaps since Billie was so Special to you, there could be that Void that is impossible to fulfill no matter who you meet now? Just a Thought.
ReplyDeleteNo a relationship is no longer an end goal. I am surprised to see so many people at our age that still have it. Billie was special, I don't think I will find someone like her again. Not even Billie is that person anymore.
DeleteThe simply life is best. I try to practice that in many ways. Perhaps because I am just lazy. Dating seems competitive everywhere, but it has been my experience the local dating market around Detroit is especially void of options.
ReplyDelete