Slow Spinning Redemption

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right; I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

Saturday was the memorial for Sam's father, who passed away earlier in the year. We had beautiful weather. I told Sam I would pick her up and be her chauffeur for the day. I helped set up the hall and made myself useful while staying out of the way. After the memorial, I stuck with Sam and went to her sister's house, where she was getting together with the rest of her family. I wanted to ensure she was okay and safe on such an emotional day.

That night, I received a 2:00 am call from Tinkerbell. She was out drinking with Tech and some friends. Her thoughts often drift to me when she is drunk and feeling unhappy. One of the things she said to me was, "You are my home."

Tink is not close to her family, and I consider her my fourth child. Anyone who has read my book knows we have had a long and complicated relationship. She is one of the few people I can talk to for hours on the phone. Her sense of humor makes me a funnier person.

Sunday, Sam and I went to an art fair in Saint Clair. It was held in the park along the riverfront. When I recounted the story to Sam, she said, "I wouldn't be surprised in the future if she winds up on your doorstep." 

I would not be surprised, though I don't expect it to happen until T-Rex graduates from high school. He has two more years. 

Ava texted me on Tuesday, "Hey, I might be back for a day this weekend. Are you available to meet this Sunday?"

"Yes, I would love to see you Sunday. I can arrange to be around."

"I will let you know more, either today or tomorrow," she continued.

"Wonderful, I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad I will get to see you soon."

She ended the conversation with a 100% emoji, a heart, and a cute emoji that looked like her with the words back at you.

I don't deny that I have left an impact on other people. Rather than accepting it unconditionally, I often question the motives or meaning. I don't think doing so is terrible, but it stems from a lack of confidence in myself and who I am. 

Billie said to me during our last exchange, "...you really do deserve someone who cares about you for who you are because you are a great person. You were such a positive person in my life, even though I was not.. at all. I'm glad I reached out too because I saw you as someone I would want to stay in touch with."

There is a term used in the manosphere, alpha widow. It can be defined as follows: 

An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact on her life.

But that impact can be sexual, financial, emotional, or any combination of what makes him who he is. I do not call myself an alpha male as defined by the manosphere. I have been a blue pill beta most of my dating life, though I have come to appreciate and embrace many of the ideas. They call those guys the top 20 percenters. In other words, the top 20% in looks, status, and frame. I consider myself in the top 30%, which is a difficult position. I am close, but not close enough.

Sometimes though, I don't think I give myself enough credit for my impact on others. 

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional