Charisma Exercise

A book Ava and I listened to on the trip to Kentucky was on charisma. It is called Charisma Myth. One exercise in the book is to write a letter to someone that has wronged you in the past. There are several reasons for this: letting go of the past, stopping its effect on you, and closure. After writing the letter, you write the person's response. By constructing the reply, you create a reality that can be as effective as an actual interaction in changing how you feel about the event.  What follows is a letter from myself to Billie and my written reply from her.

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Billie

How are you? It has been a while since we spoke. I have thought of you often over the past few years. At first, it was every day, but now sometimes days will pass without something reminding me of you. Sometimes I wonder if it is the same for you, but I'm not sure if I want to know. I have come to understand why you left. Still, the way it happened hurt me. I deserved better from you. 

When we were together, I was willing to compromise parts of myself for the relationship. Probably too much of myself, but I would not be who I am today if we never met, and I do not look back on our time together with regret. It still seems strange that we seldom reach out to each other, but those times we do never seem natural anymore. There are people I don't mind losing touch with, but you will never be one of them. I like to think that we are still friends.

I have met several women over the past two years, but I am not expecting to find a relationship. I am not willing to compromise. Frankly, I haven't seen anyone worth considering.

I have accomplished several things and hope to accomplish many more. I've traveled to places we never could and plan on going to more. I am happy most days and making the best of my life. Deep down, I am the same person, but I would like to think you would also recognize my changes if we were to meet. It has taken me a long time to get to this place, and I still have a long way to go, but I see my path more clearly now.

I genuinely hope you are happy. I hope you are healthy and have kicked your habit. More than anything, I wish that for you. I hope you think of me fondly when a silver Jeep passes you on the road or when you hear a particular song on the radio the way I do you. I fear you probably want to forget the past, but I hope you can remember there were good times there.

Sincerely

Bathwater

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Bath

I am good, work is still a struggle some days, but I have not stopped learning. You know I am sorry I hurt you. It is something I never intended to do. I didn't leave because of you. There are still things I need to do. I am still trying to figure myself out.

I never will forget you. I probably would not be alive today if it wasn't for you, and that is something I will never forget. 

I am glad you are happy and doing the things you've always wanted to do. I am sorry I could not give you that. Yes, I often wonder how you and the boys are doing. You will always be my friend, and you can always reach out to me.

It is a struggle, but I am clean. I would like to think you could see the changes in me and be proud. They wouldn't be possible without you. We are planning to get married and want to have children. I hope you find someone. You are a good person and don't deserve to be alone. Don't shut out that possibility.

 I can never repay you, but I want to thank you for all you did for me. 

Billie

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I am mauling over the idea of sending my letter to Billie. I don't think she would send a similar reply. I believe she feels many of the things I've expressed, but she would lack the ability to articulate them. I don't think I am looking for closure. This isn't a door I am willing to close in the strict sense of the word.