The weekend left me moody and dwelling in the past. It is not where I want to be, but often the present is not where I want to be either. It is one thing to understand my motivations, but it is another to want to change. I am not changing. I am not sure how to reverse years of self-programming or what change is supposed to look like. What I do know is there hasn't been enough.
Sometimes, it is tough realizing I am the problem without being too hard on myself. I feel like I should take the month of March to identify which parts I need to change and which to keep.
Ava spent the night Friday, but the encounter felt hollow. It left me feeling empty. I would say I couldn't point to one thing that made me feel this way, but that wouldn't be true. In fact, there were several things. I told her she was spreading herself too thin, a point she agreed with, but I do not feel the need to guess at her motivations.
Ava holds back details concerning herself. Other things she shares seem more like "shit tests," comments to elicit a response. Last week, we made plans to go to yoga Tuesday. I told her she would need to register on the yoga studio's website to sign us up for the class. Saturday, she did so using an alias. Something I felt was unnecessary yet telling.
There is a mystery there, but I am losing interest in it. My time feels better spent elsewhere. If we make it to our road trip, perhaps I'll learn more. I feel like it would be time better spent taking Max on the road trip this morning.
Sunday, Max came over, and we changed the coil pack and spark plugs on his car. I asked him to look into a new computer for me. He has been playing a new version of Age of Empires, and I would like to play it too.
Saturday afternoon, I took Twin A to lunch. We went to the same restaurant that Billie, my dad, and I often frequented on Sunday mornings when Billie and I were still together, and my dad was alive.
That brings us back to the past. I miss being with Billie even though I don't want her back. I don't dream about possible futures with her. She is the past, and I have accepted that. I am at a loss to describe what I am missing. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still think about her every day. It isn't healthy, It holds me back. I think it always will.
Everyone holds things back. Or should say we might not which order to present our self.
ReplyDeleteCoffee is on and stay safe
The level withheld, determines the intensity of the friendship.
DeleteThe Past always looks better in the Rearview Mirror. When it was the Present, it probably wasn't as rosy as we like to be nostalgic about later. Of coarse, the Present right now is pretty hairy on so many fronts, so is it so surprising that the Present isn't where so many would like to be either? Let's Hope the Future holds more Promise.
ReplyDeleteI don't need to be reminded that things where not always good. I have my past posts that remind me. Still, there was something there that is missing now.
DeleteI think I know what that missing part might be. I believe, from what you have shared, that Billie is someone you truly Loved, and will probably always have Love for, even if it was a misplaced Love or one that just didn't work out... it happens. It fosters a knowing of when that is missing... until it is Found again. If you need to fill that Void, here's hoping it is Found again and with someone that works out.
DeleteI rarely look back without thinking "well, that was a stupid thing to do," or "there must have been good times, I just don't remember them." For me, the present, in fact for the past decade or so, is good and so I see no reason to dwell on things I have no ability to change.
ReplyDeleteThe present is all we control. I am not asking to change the past or plotting futures, but there are things I miss.
DeleteYou may think this sad, but I don't miss anything, except for Gertie, my first Boxer. She died of a heart attack when she was 5 years old.
DeleteI do think that is a bit sad.
DeleteNo matter what you think, this Ava chick is getting under your skin. The only thing you can change is your reaction to her and things she does. In order to do that successfully you need to figure out your triggers.
ReplyDeleteTake some time on your own.
You are correct, Ava is getting under my skin, but not in a good way. Her behavior has changed.
DeleteAnd that is the crux of the problem. Finding women to have a relationship is much more difficult. Should I wait till it happens? I like to have sex and I would enjoy some companionship, but I do not want a lot of the other things that comes with a relationship. Dating Ava is not like buying a prostitute there is an implied deeper level of commitment. Ava and I do things outside of sex which are no different than two people dating. It is a friendship.
ReplyDeleteI spend too much time romanticizing the past, I realize this and just try to shake myself out of it and move on. Easier said than done, but oh well.
ReplyDeleteYes, easier said than done.
DeleteI have tried those things in the past. They didn't work. It all sounds like a good idea, but the reality very different. Besides you have to do what you enjoy, you cannot do something in the hope to meet someone. I started yoga in hopes of meeting someone.
ReplyDelete