I desperately need a distraction. I need someone to help take my mind off Billie. I am slipping, and she is slipping. I have been good. Since this text exchange, I have not texted Billie, but I want to text her.
The psychic said I can tell when Billy has a bad day without talking to her. Perhaps there is some truth to that. I know she is broke. She is down to the last $100 in her bank account with three days till payday.
I feel so far removed from her. Is that a coping mechanism? I miss lying next to her, but I cannot remember how it felt.
I am torn. Part of me wants her to fail. Part of me wants her to come running back to me. I am not sure why. Fantasies play out in my head. Billy coming to me for money. Her and I sleeping together. Me sending a picture of her naked body to her new boyfriend with the words, "Enjoying your little addict still? She will never be just yours. Not while she is using. Not unless you are willing to support her. You will never know how many people she is sleeping with, but it won't be just you."
The old me would do that back in the early days when Billy and I would fight. We were mean. Reading back the words I just typed, I realize I know them to be true because they were true for me.
Why would I want her back? I do not. I want them both to hurt. Like I hurt.
I desperately need a distraction. Friday, I am traveling to China for a week. I just need to make it to Friday.
Positive affirmation: "I am the master of my anxiety. Anxious thoughts will not control my actions."
Wow Bath, you are back, saw that on Danielle's blog. Often wondered how you were doing, considering I was in Grand Rapids still when you used to write, but now am back in Detroit area.
ReplyDeleteSeems like we are all still moving forward.
Rothwilder we should grab a beer. Yes I am back, I should not have left. Good to see some people are still here.
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