Survival

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Ava strolled in after eight. I put aside the Legos I was working with upstairs and joined her in the kitchen. She brought dinner for herself, sushi from her favorite restaurant. Early I had indicated I had already eaten. 

I talked about the latest book I just finished, which leads us on different tangents. When I get time, I will read parts of The Ape Who Understood the Universe again. I don't do it justice in conversation. It is fun to watch Ava get fired up on topics like health and fitness. Her voice gets louder, she starts talking fast, and she is more animated.

Ava looks at her watch, "It's after nine. We should head upstairs." She heads for the bathroom in the spare bedroom, which she has subtly filled with her own products, to take a shower. Later, I tell her she is still nesting here. Ava denies my comment, but not that she has made the bathroom her own.

She is gone longer than usual. I am already lying in bed in semi-darkness when she is finished. "Did you get distracted in there?" I ask.

"I cut myself shaving," Ava tells me. "It took forever to stop the bleeding."

"Honey, you could throw yourself on the bed straight from the street. I wouldn't kick you off.."

"You going to let me tie you to the bed tonight?" I ask purely out of habit.

Between kisses, she responds, "someday," with a smile.

It takes a moment for me to switch gears from conversing to passion. Ava tells me this is the best sex she has ever had. I have no complaints. I think part of the allure comes from the fact we only get to see each other a few times each month.

"I know. I am the best boyfriend you never had," I say. "Can you name one thing you don't like?" The whole time we have seen each other, I have never heard her express an attraction toward something I was lacking. 

She has to think about the question before responding. "You still keep in touch with your exes."

"True, but I wouldn't jeopardize what I have over the past." 

She retells a short conversation she had with her current boyfriend. This seems to be an issue he has.

Ava doesn't think she can continue seeing me until the end of the year. I believe that is an arbitrary time frame she has constructed in her head-- a justification. I'll just continue seeing Bathwater until the end of the year because I need to save money. Perhaps that's true. Ava can be stubborn when she wants. Time will tell.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversations?
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me

"You can do whatever you want," I suggest. Like Ava, it seems easy for me to brush off the morality of it. Survival trumps morality in this case. Survival is a basic instinct. Morality is a social construct. Ava is stuck between what she wants to do and what she feels she needs to do. 

We lay on top of the covers. It is late, and a cool breeze drifts in from the doorwall. Ava's head rests on my chest, and I feel her floating in and out of sleep. I roll on top of her and kiss my way down her torso one last time before she goes to clean up.

Downstairs, we make plans to get together in the following weeks. I hold Ava close, kissing her and giving her butt a squeezy before she races off.

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

And did you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

And now you're lonely looking for yourself out there... Drops Of Jupiter, Train