Round Here

The Lego project is proceeding on schedule. I took a break the last two days to clean the house and organize my workspace. Max wants to sell his car and get a different one. Part of me agrees, but I don't have the stomach to start looking for a decent replacement. I am letting him do the leg work and will see what he finds. I just paid $5000 for his next semester of college. I am not looking forward to spending more on another car. I would instead take Ava to Hawaii.

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge
Of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

Ava came over last night wearing high-waisted black jean shorts and a pastel pink bralette. She looked pretty. I slipped my hand into the waistband of her shorts and pulled her in for a kiss. I showed Ava some of my progress on the display before we settled down on the couch to chat.

She parks her car outside of my house
And takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

The more the evening progressed, the more I noticed Ava seemed preoccupied. She has a job interview today. That is part of the reason, but Ava is also not where she wants to be in life. She is dreading her thirtieth birthday coming up in November.

She stated she had nothing big planned to mark the occasion. 

"I had the perfect trip planned," I tell her. "You went and spoiled it."

Ava is a mash-up of contradictions. For instance, she wants to buy her boyfriend something for their three-month anniversary but still refuses to call his house home or do her laundry there. Ava says she needs to be with someone with a high libido but then indicated she stopped initiating sex with the boyfriend because he refused to have sex with her during her period. She still claims our arrangement is the one good thing she has going.

Ava is lying on her belly in the center of the bed. She is naked except for the teal-colored tee shirt of mine she always borrows when she stays the night.

"Do you think I should be with someone who accepts me for who I am or someone who challenges me.?" She asks.  

I roll over onto her. Sitting on her thighs, I begin to massage her back while I try to formulate an answer. 

"I don't think it is that simple. You should be with someone that accepts you. You don't want to be with someone trying to change you. You should have that lifeline of acceptance to fall back on, but you should also have someone you can grow with."

I think she was saying that this current guy takes care of her and puts up with her quirks, but he doesn't challenge her or help her accomplish her goals. 

And then there is the biggest contradiction of all: she still comes to see me. I no longer bring it up anymore. It all makes sense the more I get to know her. I am unsure if she is self-sabotaging her relationship or if it is just her overall inability to commit. If I had to guess, I would say it is a combination of the two that keeps her justifying her actions.

Seeing me makes her happy, and she doesn't want to lose that. I don't think she would see breaking up with this boyfriend as a loss of the same significance. Which reaffirms my belief in not getting into a serious relationship.

She says it's only in my head.
She says, shh, I know it's only in my head...Round Here, Counting Crows