I went to yoga last night. It is the second time I have been back to class in two years. The classes are small. Few people are risking stepping into the studio. I like the smaller class size, but I know it is not economically feasible for the studio.
Ava joined me. She liked the class and the teacher. I told her I planned to continue going, and she was welcome to join me whenever she was available. At least till summer, when I plan on getting my exercise outdoors. I have to start wearing my glasses during yoga class. There was a cute woman next to me, but it is hard to engage with someone in a dimly lit room when you cannot see.
Jules wrote in my comments:
No matter what you think, this Ava chick is getting under your skin. The only thing you can change is your reaction to her and things she does. In order to do that successfully, you need to figure out your triggers.
I do know what is triggering when I sit back and look at things in the context of Jule's statement. It is the shallow sexual relationship we have. Ava doesn't offer more. I am not looking for her to fall in love with me, but the intangibles that are missing are triggering because there is nothing to hold onto. I don't feel trusted, respected, or needed. I think Ava is being deliberately deceitful. It makes it hard to form any type of connection with her. When I ask myself, is she a bad person? The answer is, I don't know. Unless she treats me uniquely for others, I would find it hard to believe others have not picked up on this too.
I felt more connected to Firefly who has countless flaws than I do Ava. No, it is not because Firefly and Billie have the same issues. Ava confesses to having problems, but she never shares them. I am sure I question too much. I can't help that. This issue with Ava has two dimensions, but if she were gone, I don't think I would find myself missing her. I would find myself missing the convenience of having her around.
Praying for love and a lap dance
And paying in naivety..But It's Better If You Do, Panic At The Disco
As long as you aren't looking for more with Ava then it sounds like she is ok to be with for the reasons you guys get together.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine trying to form a new real type of relationship these days. I've watched my 30 year old daughter date a few guys and none of them seem to want an actual relationship, just a hookup.
I'm not a hookup sort of person so it's hard to imagine trying to find someone to have a relationship with when a lot of people these days are just looking for no strings attached hookups.
I think these day man are realizing actual relationships are a bad investment.
Deletei stopped having sex with the person who didn't want, need or respect me and it was one of the most liberating things I have done. I'm happier celibate than degraded.
ReplyDeleteYoga is great for us, enjoy it!
That is the problem, need want and respect should go both ways. I cannot fake it, I don't think others can fake it either and that is when things fall apart.
DeleteI agree with Mary. Her last paragraph pretty much sums it up and few people would choose to disclose much in a hookup, I know I wouldn't, if I were inclined to be looking for just that. Sex for the carnal aspect, or for monetary exchange, is a means to an end, therefore, you wouldn't necessarily expect the want, need or respect that would come with a committed relationship based on more than the physical. Just an Old Woman's archaic take on it. For the Younger Generation I agree with Mary that Hookups seem preferable than a Relationship with depth and a commitment to the individual... very little chance to be Hurt then, unless you begin falling in Love with what should have remained Casual and Transactional.
ReplyDeleteI do think Ava keeps her distance to avoid being hurt. I think there was a painful relationship in the past she doesn't talk much about. I want to get hurt either, but it is normal for me to associate sex with a deeper connection. I find it hard to believe people can disassociate the two over a long period of time without lying to themselves.
DeleteThe sound of a small and dimly lit yoga class sounds bloody wonderful to me!
ReplyDeleteI did write that. I see it happening. It’s interesting to read your analysis. If you don’t feel trusted, respected to needed then it’s never going to feel right. All it can feel is hollow and leave you missing that all important something.
Sometimes the convenience of missing someone can be as bad as missing someone. However, if you make your life something that other people can join in with or fit into, then if you part ways with them it won’t impact your lifestyle so devastatingly. I really think you need to do you until you have clear boundaries for yourself and recognise unhealthy patterns.
I am trying to always question things. I feel failing to question and consider other opinions because we are set in our ways is a weakness that should be avoided.
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