Storms Are Brewing

 As I said in the last post, Sam and I went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant on Monday night. A storm blew in just as we were exiting the restaurant. The wind was so strong the entrance doors did not want to shut. We ran to our separate cars as the rain began to fall. On the ride home, the sky opened up, and it poured.

The wind knocked out power in several metro Detroit areas. Sam is still without power, and the twins lost power. Thankfully, mine did not go out. Although, it is out just a block away. I made my way into work this morning to find that a power line was down in front of work. We could not get to the building, so I turned around, picked up the twins, and headed back to my house.

By Tuesday afternoon, the power was back on for both Sam and the twins. Tuesday night Ava came to the condo running late and juggling her multiple lives. She changed, and we went to a nearby outdoor mall to pick up carryout and browse a few stores.

I haven't changed my diagnosis yet, but I think her diagnosis has some underlying nuances. Understanding her has changed my feeling toward Ava. I like her. I find her fun, interesting, and an enigma. The latter is probably what draws me to her.

Ava has changed up her plans for September. She is no longer going to house sit in Kalamazoo. The lady was not willing to pay what Ava considered a fair wage. Now, Ava wants to go away from September 11th thru the 14th with me. I booked a cabin in Hocking Hills, Ohio for us.

Don't ask me how she will pull off getting away without consequences. I don't think she has worked out her lie yet, but it sounds like there is trouble in paradise anyway. I think Ava would be happier if she uncomplicated her life. I am not sure she can do that. She seems to thrive on the chaos. 

I pushed a little around the edges. She considers her dad to have narcissistic tendencies, but she doesn't see them in herself. I keep reinforcing the honesty part between us and letting her know I am not going to judge her. This is who she is. I might not agree with everything she does, but I feel like I understand her. That is all that I am looking for right now.

The Other One

Sam called me late Sunday night. "You know, usually it is Tinkerbell drunk dialing me in the night."

"I am not drunk dialing you," she assures me. "Did you see Billie had her baby?"

Yes, the other one, as Shelby so affectionately called her. Had her baby Sunday, August 28th. She posted an image on Instagram. I haven't heard from her or reached out for any further information.

Billie has only posted three times on Instagram. They have all been made in the last month or so. One of her baby shower, one with her boyfriend, and now the picture of her baby. She never posted anything while we were together, nor up till now, anything with her new boyfriend. 

I think for the first time in her life, Billie feels normal. Good for her. Though, I can't help pontificating. There is no normal, and the fairytales society feeds us are not worth chasing.

Last night, I meet up with Sam for dinner. "You know, stalking my ex-girlfriend's Instagram account is a very girlfriend-like thing to be doing," I tell her.

Sam assured me she just popped up in her feed. I think Sam only mentioned it because she worried the news might send me into a funk. It hasn't. I am happy for Billie, but otherwise, I don't really feel affected. Billie is part of the past. Hopefully, there is not much of the girl I used to know there still.

The Narcissist

 I am not a licensed psychologist, so I cannot diagnose Ava as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, after doing some research, I will say she is definitely high on the scale.

9 signs of Narcissism

1) They are wrapped up in their own opinion instead of listening.
2)They tend to cheat in relationships.
3)They constantly need to be admired. Need for constant adoration.
4)They do not take criticism well.
5) They exploit others without guilt or shame (lack empathy).
6) They belittle others.
7) They see themselves as more attractive than they really are.
8) They gaslight those who are dear to them.
9) They put some people on pedestals (narcissists believe they have to have perfection in everything, including people they associate with. They rub up to people higher in status, hoping the perfection will somehow rub off on them).

I have never been so close to someone who shows so many of these qualities. Narcissism is on the rise in the general population, and millennials show more narcissistic traits than prior generations. I have suggested to Ava she lacks a certain amount of empathy, but I don't think she really listened. 

Narcissists differ from sociopaths. Narcissists do not act with malicious intent. They see people as an extension of themselves, like tools. This doesn't mean I will stop seeing Ava. Understanding who I am dealing with gives me a clearer perspective.

*     *     *

Saturday night, I met up with Tinkerbell and Tech for dinner. We went to a pizzeria in downtown Utica. It was great to see them. I haven't seen much of Tink this summer. While we ate pizza, I filled them in on my realizations concerning Ava. I tried explaining my theory that Ava is a narcissist while Tink interjected questions and jokes. Tink's sense of humor amplifies my own.

Sam would argue that Tinkerbell is a narcissist. Tink does have some of the characteristics. I think one of the biggest differences is that Ava does not act out of need. Ava doesn't need to be seeing me. She doesn't need to treat her boyfriend this way. She could get a normal job and work on a life together. Ava chooses not to. 

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but once while discussing how dysfunctional her relationship is, Ava said, "I am going to make him break up with me." It shows her intention to milk the situation for all its worth and then walk away without appearing to be the bad person.

Shelby mentioned it is lucky Ava is not seeing the wrong person This is true. Narcissists tend to leave a lot of emotional damage behind and are the victims of stalkers. One can easily manipulate a narcissist by playing into their fantasies and delusions.

Remember when Ava was considering the long-term arrangement with the rich guy? He was playing into her financial fantasies. I do feel some empathy for Ava from one standpoint. She wants to go to therapy. Ava realizes she is not happy but doesn't realize why. I don't think it is for me to tell her. I doubt she would agree. If anything it would probably push her away. 

Question Without Answers

 Shelby commented, "Yeah, I'd be careful. I thought I liked Ava, but the more I read, I'm turning off her.

It seems really immoral to play with this guy she is with. I can't tolerate it. Like, I'm sure he is kind of an idiot, but she's really taking advantage of him.

I'm glad you get what you want, of course. But she lies so easily."

I am having a problem with it too. Ava's sister lives in Kalamazoo, which is just shy of three hours away from here. It was her sister that recommended Ava for this house-sitting job. Last weekend, Ava went to Kalamazoo to meet the couple and see her sister. 

Tuesday night was telling about her trip. She told me she admitted to her sister that she was still seeing guys on the side. I say "guys" because Ava had a client she saw a couple of times in Kalamazoo. Ava said her sister was fine with her decision to continue seeing clients on the side and pulling her in as an excuse. Ava probably framed it as needing to help their mom financially, which she often does.

"Now that my sister knows, I can use house sitting in Kalamazoo as an excuse for us to get away," she told me. Ava tried not to mention that she told her sister because she wanted to meet up with this client last weekend. I called her out on it. 

"No, more lying. I spent too much time peeling back the onion," I scolded. Ava is more truthful with me than anyone else at this point, but lying is still her natural defense mechanism. It comes from the trauma she endured growing up and can be seen in my post, Not Far.

My ego led me to believe Ava was reluctant to give up our arrangement because she felt some connection to me. I justified it because you can see this relationship with the boyfriend has always been on borrowed time. It's sad, really. Ava doesn't have any close friends. No one she confides in. She is afraid of being judged.

I try not to judge her. I think she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with others. She thinks she needs therapy. She could probably benefit from it, most people can, but not if you go in with the wrong goals. I don't think you can change what you are unwilling to see.

Ava says she likes traveling with me more than anyone else. Now that she has her excuse in place, she wants to get away in October for a weekend. I like traveling with her too. We will probably end up going on a trip. 

However, Tuesday has left me more reflective. Liz A. made the comment, "Enjoy it while it lasts. This will all end someday."  I get that. Everything ends or evolves. I've never been delusional when it comes to my arrangement with Ava. Still, I am left with questions that may not have answers.

It's a Girl

 In lighter news, Firefly had her baby Wednesday, August 24th, 8 lbs 8 oz. 21 inches long. A good size baby for such a tiny girl. It was a natural birth. Firefly's labor was only about 5 hours. She got off pretty easy. The baby, Ava, yes, that is the baby's real name, and the mother is doing well. 

Tools

Monday, I thought I would have to come into the office on Wednesday (my work from home day) for a meeting, but my boss said he would cover it for me. This is good because Ava spent the night Tuesday, and we always stay up late into the evening.

Ava made it to the house before 7:30 pm. She wore a knee-length floral dress. With her long black hair framing her face, she looked beautiful.

We were going out to dinner. Our original plan was to go to a restaurant called J Baldwins, but I made a wrong turn, and we ended up in front of a sushi restaurant I had been meaning to take her to, so we switched plans on the fly.

We stopped off at the grocery store on the way home. Ava picked out a selection of fruits to snack on. I don't keep a large variety on hand beyond what I know I will consume. 

When we returned to the condo, we camped out on the couch and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. Toward the movie's end, I ask Ava, "Do you see any similarities?" 

She gave me a coy smile but hesitated to respond. "I'll take your lack of a response as a yes," I tell her.

Ava has two trips planned for September. She is attending a three-day conference in Ohio, starting around the seventh. When she returns, she will head out to Kalamazoo for seventeen days to house sit for a couple who own two dogs and two horses.

The new job in Kalamazoo has emboldened her, giving her an excuse to be away. Ava plans to go on a trip to Chicago with her sister on the first weekend of October, and she also wants to go back the second weekend with me. She plans on using house sitting as the excuse to get away on our weekend.

Ava indicated if she didn't go with me, she would probably be going with someone else (not the boyfriend). "You better give me first right of refusal," I tell her.

After the movie, we head upstairs. Ava spends the night. We stay up late having sex and talking. Neither of us is ready for sleep. 

It is after 1:00 am. We are spooning beneath the covers. Ava and her boyfriend exchanged love bombs over text while I gently stroked her ass. I lean in close, smirk, and kiss her neck. Ava makes an off-hand comment about having to fuel the flames.

I find it is all very disingenuous, even narcissistic, but I do not express my thoughts. Ava likes to think she is a good person. She tries to be, but I think her actions are wrong. Ava wishes things could be different. Ava would like to be honest with him, but she knows how that would go.

The thing that bothers me the most. Is that if Ava gets caught, she will try to justify her actions by saying she did it for them or for her mom. In truth, she is only doing it for herself. That is why I am saying she is narcissistic. It is hard to respect that.

She told me a bit about their sex life. Ava said he gives her all the orgasms she needs. He likes her to sit on his face, but instead of going down on her, she grinds against his face. It is a perfect analogy for their relationship. He is just a tool for her to use to get off. Ava sees all guys as tools for achieving her needs.

Ava thinks I am enlightened because I am accepting of her actions. I am enlightened because I see her for who she is, which is very different.

Relationships dishearten me. More accurately, people dishearten me. I feel there are few good ones out there. Not even myself. Free will is our greatest evolutionary advancement and the downfall of our species. 

Display

I modified the tan tower. I am happy with the results. At this point, I have three tall towers. Anything else I prepare will be just extra.  

Saturday, I built this tree house. I wanted to experiment with some recently received hexagonal pieces. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either.

 I went to my friend Jay's house on Friday night for pizza and a few beers.  Sam joined us after she got off work, and we sat outside on his patio catching up.

This month is passing by quickly, just as I predicted. I have been moody lately. I tried to put it into words Friday afternoon but ran out of time. I am unsure if the post will make it out of draft mode. I will rework my thoughts later.