Tuesday, February 4, 2020

This Time It's Different

Destroy my pain
Then capture life again
This time it's different...
This Time It's Different, Evans Blue

The passed few weeks have pushed me far from center.  My father's death has left me feeling guilty and sad.  I had this fantasy in my head.  Billy would come to his memorial and I would be able to cry on her shoulder while holding her tight.  It did not happen.  She sent her condolences in a text and said she was sorry but she had to work. 

I invited her to get dinner this week but she said her new boyfriend would not be comfortable with that and she was trying to be considerate of his feelings.  Where was that attitude when she was cheating on me and denying it?

We got into a long exchange of text.  Too long to post here.  Besides I have already deleted it from my phone.  She said she was only a phone call away.  I reminded her she hated talking on the phone.  Billy told me she was living with the new guy (they have been dating for less than six months).  That explains why I have not seen her on Xbox in over a month.  I am sure there is more to the story.  Her parents probably kicked her out.

In the end, I told her she wasn't there for me.  The one time when I could have used her. That she never was despite all the times I was there for her.  I told her our relationship made us both better people but I wanted to say she was still pretty bad.  She was just a very shitty person in the beginning. 

She is living in a basement of her boyfriend's mother's house.  Still using.  Still broke. They live together and work together. I wonder how all that closeness is going.  Billy has an avoidant  personality she needs her space.  I know exactly how he is trying to "help" her.  Good luck asshole.  You are just banging your head against the wall.  You cannot help someone.  They have to want it. It is only the beginning.  Wait till you go through 4 or 5 failed attempts at quitting.  Billy has been trying to quit opioids the entire time I have known her.  That is also most nine years.  Most of that time she didn't really want to quit. Overdosing, several times in jail, being a stripper/prostitute didn't give her reasons to quit.  This abortion isn't going to either.  The only way it will work is if she surrenders to the process but she is not willing to do that. 

I don't want her back.  I am done with her issues.  I was trying to salvage a friendship with her because I do miss her.  But why?  The good times never really out weighed  the bad.  She cannot take care of herself let alone be there for someone else.

My friend Sam said to me months ago.  "Eventually you will get tired of getting kicked in the teeth."  She was referring to my desire to kept in touch with Billy.  She was right.  I won't be there when her next crisis hits.  This time it's different.

7 comments:

  1. i'm going through similar things with a couple of long friends I knew for a decade then during the holidays we just abruptly decided to stop with each other. most days I don't even think about them, but just today in fact a stray link accidentally landed me back on their page again and I found I really did miss talking to them. feelings flicker on and off but never seem to flame out entirely. I feel you, it's a neverending rollercoaster of emotion, bumps, and bruises

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  2. I do miss her but it is time for this cycle to end. I cannot keep rescuing her anymore. She will continue to make dumb mistakes and will never feel the impact until one day there is no one there to pick her up but herself.

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  3. Fuck Billy . She should have been there for you no matter what’s happening now. Stop trying to salvage the impossible. Know your worth. X

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  4. Jules you are correct. It has been hard letting her go but sadly it is time.

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  5. The person attached to their qualifier is just as addicted to them as their qualifier is to their drug, so yeah, it's time to go cold turkey. Have you been to any naranon meetings?

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    1. Danielle I have often felt that way. No I never went to any meetings. Billy never made it to many either. I am comfortable letting her go. I am ready to move on to something new.

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