Wednesday, February 12, 2020

First

Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first

First, Cold War Kids


Billy texted me this morning.   She was pulled over by the cops Monday and went to jail.  Billy has warrants on her from past drug offenses.  She she skipped out on probation.  It has been six years. She did not have any drugs on her Monday, that in itself is surprising, and I paid off all her court cost and fines back in December (over $3000) so the judge let her go and closed out her case.

She got very lucky.  She would be in jail today if not for me.  She texted me to thanked me.  She no longer has these warrants hanging over her head.  She no longer has to worry about going to jail if she gets pulled over for a traffic ticket or gets involved in a car accident.

I am happy for her.  I think the things happening to her now could give her that push she needs to get clean.  I just wish I felt happy.  The news today has tipped me backwards.  It made me sad.  Like breakdown in tears sad.  Years ago I would be on anti-depressants, attempting suicide or in the mental hospital about now.  I am stronger in that respect.  Just not much.

I paid those fines and so many other things for her so we could have a life together.  Not so she could have a life with someone else. From the outside, her life is moving forward and things are only getting better for her.  I don't see the struggles.  When will mine?  Will my time come?  I do want her to succeed. I want her to get clean and be happy.  I just always wanted it to be with me.  Maybe I no longer want to be a part of her struggles to get clean.  Maybe my part is over.  

I have been saying, everything is happening for a reason.  Is that the truth or a cop-out to explain away the bad.  I don't know anymore.

7 comments:

  1. From your post... previous and today, you are a caring Person.... I hope the Universe aligns for you in this aspect... Billy and You.... It would be nice to hear of that in the future.... Best Wishes

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    1. I am pretty sure the universe is trying to tell me that my time with Billy is over... At least for now. I do hope we continue to be friends, no matter how painful the process.

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  2. Clarification.... I do hope the Universe aligns for both Billy and You.. Separately.. tho... one must build his or her own road first..

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  3. Yes we were good at avoiding building our own roads. Our separation has given us both an opportunity to grow.

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  4. I have never stayed friends with my exes. It's not because I hate them, or that I don't care about them. I just feel like it's impossible to move on and really own my life after them if I am still tethered to them. Not saying that is what you should do at all. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the staying-friends thing, especially when I have yet to see it work out well for anyone.

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    1. I understand what you are saying but I think it can be done. It just takes time and the desire to move on. Tinkerbell and I are a good case in point. We were once lovers and now we are friends.

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